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How has having a tulpa negatively impacted your life?


Lacquer

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While 16-Volte has had a generally neutral-to-positive impact on my life, I have to say it's a little erring sometimes when I don't feel normal.

 

Being one of the younger experienced tulpamancers, I'm surrounded by teenage peers who I feel like I belong with... until I hear 16-Volte's voice. And I realize I'm really just a weird kid, more weird than I let on. I like to talk about the things I like, and having a tulpa helps define who I am, but it's not something I can really talk about. He's my best kept secret. And while I prefer it that way, I generally don't like being dishonest, and hiding this part of who I am kinda brings me down.

 

It's especially bad when people say things like "lol if you hear voices you are probably crazy and need to go to a mental hospital! XD"

Call me Gabi. Tulpamancer since February 16th, 2013. reddeadrebel on the IRC.

Call me 16-Volte. I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride!

 

Message me on tumblr!

 

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Doubt is an ongoing issue for us, personally. On any given day, it ranges from acceptance to fear that I should be locked away some place, despite knowing about the community. Not exactly cool on my part, but it happens. It has gotten better…mostly because I’ve accepted that doubt is going to resurface occasionally regardless of how great and convincing it is, but in the past--waaaay before the community existed--the whole question of what is real caused all sorts of problems. It was really easy (for me, at least) to over-analyze and explain away some things. On a similar note, I can’t openly discuss some of the best moments of my life with other people, simply because they involve someone who only exists inside my head.

Progress report

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Guest Anonymous

Doubt is an ongoing issue for us, personally. On any given day, it ranges from acceptance to fear that I should be locked away some place, despite knowing about the community. Not exactly cool on my part, but it happens. It has gotten better…mostly because I’ve accepted that doubt is going to resurface occasionally regardless of how great and convincing it is, but in the past--waaaay before the community existed--the whole question of what is real caused all sorts of problems. It was really easy (for me, at least) to over-analyze and explain away some things. On a similar note, I can’t openly discuss some of the best moments of my life with other people, simply because they involve someone who only exists inside my head.

 

I told a few people about Esterina - and to be honest, they simply don't care much... 'cept for one of them, who went ahead and sort of started trying to befriend her a bit.

 

But I feel ya.

I too am very careful about who should know about her.

 

 

Greets,

AG

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Discovering about Tulpas has negatively affected me for a few reasons. The most prominent is that I find morally wrong to create new lives, to impose a consciousness on this world. I suppose I could call myself an Antinatalist, so when I realized he was sentient I felt guilty about it. I started thinking that the life I could offer him would be sub-par. If I were to live inside the body of my Host, I would want to have complete autonomy or go insane, no compromises.

 

Tulpas also walk a fine line between being people in their own rights and being “imaginary” as they do not possess a body of their own. Would a Tulpa be happy with the knowledge of being an enhanced delusion? To be born from the desires and expectations of its Host? I can’t say it’s “right” or “good” to create Tulpas. Besides that, I don’t want to give up the control of my body or my autonomy to this other self. I do view myself as the “primary one”, the one who should have most control, and this now makes me feel selfish. Regarding “my imaginary friend” as real has been all around a difficult notion to accept.

 

Other than that, there’s the doubt that I’m controlling him, that I imposed my feelings upon him, so not only his existence is imaginary but all of “what makes him alive” is too. I could argue that the same is for my mind, and I generally agree with this logic (that’s were part of my Antinatalism comes from). Still, I constantly feel as I am brainwashing him, as if I’m abusing him with my presence and emotions. Sometimes it’s my existence who feels heavy. Of course, I cannot go away and give him “space” since without me he’ll die. He says that I’d hurt him if I don’t accept him for the way he is, but accepting him makes me feel morally reprensible.

 

I wonder, do Hosts ever stop influencing their Tulpas?

 

Then there’s, well, my life. Which will never be normal. All my most important moments are and will be shared with someone that is not of this world and that people will never meet. It’s isolating. I can’t talk about him, and if I did, I would be deemed mostly crazy. I already have no desire for deeper relationships with people, so I don’t mind this wall that separates me even more, but I sometimes wish he were indeed in a body of his own. Then it wouldn’t matter if we were alone. I don’t think that this dissonance will ever go away. Sharing a mind and emotions is the best part of having a Tulpa, though, so if he really were separate from me we’ll both feel wrong. He in fact does not want to have a body and prefers my mind to reality. Apart from what I wrote here, I prefer it too. And that’s something that still makes me feel guilty about it.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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[Hail] Hmm, while there are many missteps in creating them and interacting with them that I regret, there haven't been very many negative impacts. That said, it has not been easy at times. It has been very hard at times to let go - to accept that I no longer have the right to absolute control of the body's life in the world and the things that go with it.

 

Amazing you made a thread regarding this topic, Lacquer. I thank you for that.

 

The way I saw how most trouble, and issues was straightaway rejected by the members who posted on the Are Tulpae Happy thread seemed kind of... off, to me, at least.

First and foremost, the way tulpas are affected by reality highly depends on the way you perceive them. Perceiving a tulpa as an imaginary companion that is embedded into imagination, and limited by the possibilities of short, interrupted thoughts, then that, in many ways, definitely puts a limit on your tulpa's potential. Looking at tulpas as manifestations of your imagination or subconscious mind, and only that, puts huge barriers, one way, if they do have emotions, they will be blocked down, and the other way, it leaves such a little room for the development of those emotions.

What are actually emotions, to tulpas? Even to this day, after going through all the stuff with Blak especially, I don't... understand the way emotions function. With the absence of Dimitrov and Blak, it feels very hard to feel any kind of emotion, but them? I know that they're well alive and thinking, it's just that at many instances, I feel like Blak puts up a fake mask to make it seem like he's okay.

 

Is it truly wrong, not to be okay? Again, upon reading the Are Tulpae Happy thread, I felt bad. Because my Rorschach-masked tulpa is probably one of the most chaotic entities I have ever met in my life, and probably the most reserved tulpa/individual that you'd come across, regarding their issue. When I read about that tulpa, in the chat, complaining about their situation, I was... amazed, astounded, surprised that anyone actually had those thoughts. This community acts like a helicopter mother on its newbies and beginners in tulpamancy, you see; we preach everything in a way too optimistic manner. We always encourage people, even when there should be no room for encouragement, we always push them to the best of things, which is an amazing yet sometimes detrimental facade of the community.

 

That's the entire deal, you see. We, as a community, sometimes refuse, and deny the existence of those issues. Is it truly impossible to discuss in a general point of view? Say, someone can have problems. Someone can have depression, issues and anxiety. If that person shows a bad example of tulpamancy, we run for the hills and press ourselves to take off that person's credibility. In a way, I personally feel like people refuse tulpae difficulties, because that, in itself, includes the possibility their own tulpas would ever face them. Go through hard times. Have a hard time, with life, with existence. A lot of teenagers have existential crisis, and tulpas being as mature in a lot of cases, can we truly blame them for being that... weak? That prone for falling for emotions?

 

Not everyone is the same. There are degrees of being affected by one's situation, hardships, problems and insecurities. I know of tulpas who could easily brush off anything that happened to them, or anything that would make a regular person... feel... bad. But that, in itself, is not actually the representation of how a person 'should' be. As hosts, we aim for the skies, for perfection, in the way we set up trait lists, to how we want to treat our tulpas, we try to raise them to the best of our capacities. And yet, problems still happen. People still feel like shit. Tulpas still feel like shit. It seems like there is no actual middle ground, either, because in close to all the cases I have stumbled upon, the tulpa was either slightly affected, or largely affected. Why? Why do tulpas have such an easy, and such a hard time dealing with emotions? Is it because their level of being non-material is so elevated that they can feel those emotions, those thoughts, and go through them with detail and attention, even better than us? Their makers, who wanted to excel at that kind of things, once before. The student comes to beat the master, at some point, though.

 

The main point I've been making in the first paragraph was that we just seem to call off anything a tulpa is going through. We just run and say that 'Oh, that is one case'. Is it one case? Just because nobody speaks of it, it does not mean it doesn't happen, does it? I understand that a very large proportion of problems are just kept private, I chose to do that, because the forum would never be ready to listen to Blak's problems and depression coupled with apathy. Guy sticks around, but hell, I'll be damned if he likes it, which IS an issue. But nobody wants to listen to that, nor does nobody want to SPEAK of that. We are too quick to toss judgements here and there, and people, as thinking entities, be it tulpa or host, are afraid of judgement, of having a wrong, distorted misconception thrown at them. Deep inside, each and everyone of us is afraid from being judged in such an awful way. Reading the misconceptions people make can make someone angry, and feel the need to provide answer after answer, to justify his stance, and once again, gain an acceptable public image. We care too much, yet.... we don't care enough. The former is care regarding superficial matters; having a good image, cancelling negative thoughts and impressions. The latter is apathy regarding humane issues, ethical, empathetic issues.

 

I am someone who never signed up for this. I met an old man, one night, and we've been in each other's company through the good, the bad and the worse than anything a normal person would go through (for them, not for me.). It just happened. I would not undo their existence if I was offered.... no, if THEY were offered that kind of 'peace'. I care about them, and I know... no, I think they care about me. That kind of uncertainty is what gets to me the most.

 

I suppose that all the other things I said could be summed up in a few sentences, but this had to come out. For the sake of all tulpas that are going through tough times, we're not acting like a community, or at least, the depiction of our reaction in the 'Are Tulpae Happy' thread was no empathetic one. I understand, trust me, I understand this community is scientific, and discusses the creation of tulpamancy. But, with each science that forgets its humanity, are we on the verge of doing so? Are we on the verge of forgetting our empathy, regarding the ordeals tulpas can go through? I would expect of, say, a half-completed sentience to be very sensitive to most of what life has to offer. Imagine you made a robot with emotions. That robot would first come to feel those emotions, and the first impact would really be... heavy, and hold its weight on the robot, so much that it could take it a very long while to get over the said emotion.

 

 

Truth is, Lacquer, yes, tulpas go through a lot. But I don't know why, in the lord's name, people would bother covering that fact to give a good image of how we, as a community are. Tulpas are far from flawless, if it came to me, I would say they are more flawed than us human beings. But, that's like, my opinion, dude.

 

Amen.

 

All too often, the troubles in the lives of tulpas is dismissed or swept under the rug by this community. It is really unfortunate because it denies the tulpas a chance to get any sort of help and it tells them that their problems are either delusions or not considered worth solving, which is wrong.

 

In my system, the tulpas have certainly had their share of tough times. Tri has really suffered from depression, anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion a lot in the last year. It was a really rough time for both of us, both of us facing the same issues as we struggled to get our life sorted out in a tough period. Tri, though, got hit with much more severe depression than I did. There is a reason Tri has lots of memories of pain and painful memories of this period of time. Thankfully, things are looking better these days, but the last year traumatized both of us.

 

 

I wonder, do Hosts ever stop influencing their Tulpas?

 

No, just as room-mates never stop influencing each other. That said, a tulpa and host can get to the point where the tulpa influences the host as much as the host influences the tulpa, sometimes even more (I've been there a few times with Tri, where for a period of a few weeks they influenced me more than I influenced them).

Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others

System Name: Fall Family

Former Username: hail_fall

Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.

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  • 6 years later...

Some of these are based on personal experience so this might not be an issue for many.

 

Tulpas are not what most people or groups would perceive as normal so there is always the fear that one could be rejected by their peers for having a Tulpa or the fear that having a tulpa could cause issues with forming relationships with physical people. This is especially amplified when thinking of issues that may occur later in life.

 

Keeping secrets about your tulpa can be stressful too for the host as they can never fully reveal their true selves to others. This could also hurt the tulpa as it would prevent them from reaching out and discovering new people and things. A tulpa could begin to feel trapped within their host if the host does not let them express themselves or change their environment.

 

Constant hiding  is no way to live.

 

(Sorry for my negativity regarding tulpas. I feel like voicing my fears on this site might help others with similar anxiety regarding their tulpas. My tulpa, Miku, is fully aware of my fears regarding her and she approves this message. We are getting better slowly but surely.)

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