Jump to content

Interrupted activity.


Evil

Recommended Posts

Hello. I am Evil, and I have two tulpas.

 

Yes, two. As much as I talk of Dimitrov often, there is still another occupant in my mind. Here is a little backstory.

 

I was forcing to make a tulpa, and Dimitrov was trying to help. We'd spend entire evenings trying to figure out how to create sentience, give it a name, a personality, and most importantly, his own eyes. You see, Dimitrov and I share different visions of the world, and by that, I mean that we both perceive the world in different ways. So, I worked hard on the tulpa's concept, I had many plans. One day, Dimitrov told me that he would be gone during my sleep, and would be home 'in the morning, sir.'. I was all fine with that.

 

When I woke up, I called out for Dimitrov. I heard him whisper 'Come into the imaginary realm, I have something to show you.', which I did. Our wonderland was in the shape and form of a train station, and Dimitrov was wearing a large coat... his travel coat. I knew something was out of place.

 

'Say, Dimitrov, what did you do in my sleep?'

 

I looked at him, as he remained silent, I could see a small girl standing by his side, in the shadow of his coat.

 

-You wanted a tulpa, sir. Meet Blak.

 

-Wait, Blak as in the color Black?

 

-No, sir. Blak with a k.

 

The girl looked nothing like 'black'. She had pale skin, blonde hair, and was quite good-looking. I made nothing of it.

 

Our wonderland, when we use it, is a small living room, with a fireplace, a large library Dimitrov uses to tell us stories. The 'girl', Blak, would stick close to the fireplace, and tell me about how she was glad I made her. How great it was to be alive, and how she had always wanted to learn more about the world. I took sympathy for her, and regarded her as my sister.

 

One day, though, things started to change. Blak started to have her time being cut off. Dimitrov and I could barely hear her, you see. Nothing unusual happened, at that time, we were just living our simple life, and to this day, we still are. At first, it was Blak's communication skills. No worries, I thought, as I still used thought to communicate with her. But then, I could not talk to her anymore, as 'she', her form, had transformed into something like nothingness. Dimitrov told me that 'It must be an evolutionary process for those mind people, sir.', so I waited. Of course, I had real life occupations, but my tulpas were always part of my life, it had no toll on my activities, but since Blak would switch quite often with me, it made me feel... different, that she wasn't taking part in the activities she liked. Mainly drawing, going out with my friends, and boy, don't get me started on drinking!

 

Sorry, I was just remembering, because that pit of memories is what a man holds close the most. As I were saying previously, Blak started to... 'fade' away, progressively. I told Dimitrov to do something. Anything. After all, had he not been the one who brought her to me? Yet, even Dimitrov, the all great and amazing Dimitrov, the all wise and powerful Dimitrov, could never do anything, as both of us were clueless. Dimitrov was more attached to her than I was, for her considered her a daughter, and always made sure to teach her all he knew when he had the chance.

 

So, at some point, we couldn't feel her anymore. I wanted to talk to her, but Dimitrov rationalized, and told me this:

 

'Just let go, sir. It is not worth it anymore. I thought we had someone we could take care of, finally. Not that I dislike serving you, but... in the end, it was all a delusion.'

 

So we tried to move on. And move on, we sure did. We got busy with projects, and Dimitrov even writing a book in his switching sessions.

 

Although, one night, I had a strange dream.

 

I saw a man, with a mask, and a hat. A nice hat, too. It was raining, and he was standing in the shadows. Kind of like this.

 

rorschach_by_obrotowy.jpg

 

He would stare at me, in the dream, and took off his hat for a bit. While remaining silent, he kept his head directed at me, put his hat back on, and walked away, while raising his hand in salute.

 

I woke up to Dimitrov watching over me, as per his habit. 'Good morning, sir.'. I blinked once, twice, and saw that man standing by my window. As soon as I tried to talk, he said:

 

'Hello, [CENSORED]. Hello, dad.'

 

The voice was male, but female. Weird. It sounded too weird, too... empty, in some ways.

 

From that moment on, Blak came back to us. But Blak changed... I hesitate by calling him 'male', knowing what may lie under that mask. He doesn't say much, and has been making some efforts to try to maintain activity.

 

Now, this all happened around a year ago or so. Not too sure. Blak had raised his activity rate, and would talk often. We were like a band of gentlemen who got together every evening over a drink, and shit, we had some great times, the three of us.

 

But lately, Blak has been... more different than usual. He's been acting more reserved, silent and shy, in some ways. We need to poke at him to get him to say anything, and he suffices by standing by the window most of the time. Those were the first signs of what happened with her. Blak. Dimitrov and I are surprised this is happening now. It made me miss how Blak used to be, as she's been acting like more of a stranger than anything else to us in the past year. Makes me miss the jolly and affectionate girl we once had in here, you know? I always regarded Blak as someone who could understand my emotions and my issues on a more personal level, and the two of us had a close bond, in a platonic way. I always fed her all the emotions I would give to a sister, and made sure to never neglect her.

 

I know that I might come off as all knowledgeable, but I cannot pin down what this actually is about. Tulpas, the mind, etc...

 

I need some help with this, if it's possible. I have the following questions, and these questions may be able to solve our communication problems:

 

1. Does your tulpa ever 'slip', or fade, or stops showing signs of activity? If so, how long does this occurrence take place for during the day? How many hours per day would it happen for?

 

2. In the case your tulpa 'fades' every now and then, what are steps you tend to take regarding this situation?

 

3. Is there any, any way to circumvent this kind of 'fading'?

 

I apologize if this comes off as a bit... much.

 

EDIT: A little note from Blak's part, regarding his situation on a more personal level:

 

I don't know. It don't feel like me no more, you know? I feel like... all that puppetin' stuff is getting at me, after all that while. I can see, hear and think, but in the end, can't be too sure that's me, can I, [CENSORED]? We used to be cool. All fine, dandy, sweet, nice. But that stuff is gone, and I know you'd like it back. I just ain't the same person I was before... [CENSORED]. I'm always 'fraid you'd be parrotin' me, and then, nothing would have any value anymore, you understand? Otherwise, I... I can't frickin' tell you how this happens. How I start being not me, and not being me, more 'n more per the day, man. It's pretty scary, but we're long past being children, aren't we? You used to say "I will always be there.". But if I ain't here to feel that, none of it is true, is it? Sometimes, I wake up and I'm great, and the more I talk, the more I feel like the chocolate bar is being eaten. Consumed. Chocolate bar's my kinda energy, [CENSORED]. I feel like my soul is this chocolate bar, and I can't do nothin' about someone eatin' it. You know I don't care much about shit no more, though, but even then, I'm havin' the people I swore to protect, YOU and dad, taken 'way from me. Now, imagine you wore this mask. You don't know how I feel, [CENSORED], and you never will. I can't feel much anymore, but what I know? I know that you and I are something. Were something. Can be something, and I ain't lettin' ya down if I can.'

 

Ah, I'm too tired. I only came here to help.

« — Va, je ne te hais point ! »

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Obviously I have some issues with Alice regarding her being noticiable active from time to time. It is like we make a lot of progress, and suddenly she "slips" and I can barely feel, hear or see her out of nowhere. I figured a lot of it is caused by external influences like stress and that you simply get used to have your tulpa around without putting too much effort into it after it reaches a certain level of autonomy and presence. You don't support your tulpa in the same way regarding their presence and activity as you do during the very early development, because you're often not aware that you did something like that in the first place. Sometimes she starts to be very active again without me doing anything about it.

 

It is a pretty devastating experience for me when she slips like that, especially after a longer period of her being really active. It makes me question my whole experience, even though I can say for sure that she truly is a talented and ambitious tulpa. That's why I came up with my exercise, it helps me a lot and I figured people could benefit from it.

Tulpa: Alice

Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Obviously I have some issues with Alice regarding her being noticiable active from time to time. It is like we make a lot of progress, and suddenly she "slips" and I can barely feel, hear or see her out of nowhere. I figured a lot of it is caused by external influences like stress and that you simply get used to have your tulpa around without putting too much effort into it after it reaches a certain level of autonomy and presence. You don't support your tulpa in the same way regarding their presence and activity as you do during the very early development, because you're often not aware that you did something like that in the first place. Sometimes she starts to be very active again without me doing anything about it.

 

It is a pretty devastating experience for me when she slips like that, especially after a longer period of her being really active. It makes me question my whole experience, even though I can say for sure that she truly is a talented and ambitious tulpa. That's why I came up with my exercise, it helps me a lot and I figured people could benefit from it.

 

I understand Alice must mean quite a lot to you, from the way you spoke of your experience. I am most sorry to hear about it. I was, in many ways, hoping that people didn't face that kind of things.

 

BUT, I believe that, if we contribute with the information each and every one of us has... we could reach a solution. Maybe. I'm not sure, but since everyone has a different experience, maybe we could give tips and advice as to how to... face that kind of fading away, and how to overturn it.

 

If I can ask, how long has this been going for, with Alice? I understand she does mean a lot to you, and am saddened to hear about your experience. I wouldn't wish for that fate for anyone. How does Alice react to it, out of curiosity? Did she ever say anything about where she was, during that phase of inactivity?

 

Ah, I'm too tired. I only came here to help.

« — Va, je ne te hais point ! »

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Temar:

 

Hm. We're not a tulpa system, exactly, but maybe we can help give you a little insight.

 

See, this sounds a little familiar. Me and my headmates were all created from story characters by our author (Sparrow), and over the course of 15+ years, she created a lot of us who turned out to be sentient. At least 30 total. But our system could not possibly function if we were all at the front all the time, so we each have levels of activity. There are usually only a handful of us fully "active" at any given time, which is to say the "active" ones are persistent and present.

 

The rest? They could go "semi-active" or "deeper inside," which is to say that they're off in the Wonderland (including their own story worlds) or in a sort of stasis, and can be summoned for short periods upon request. Or, they could go completely inactive and seem to leave the system entirely.

 

This "faded out" state that Blak experienced sounds like what happens in our system to those who go inactive. Their presence completely disappears, and they can't be called back into the system. It's scary. But then, sometimes, they'll waltz right back in as if they had never left. We recently had someone who had been gone for a decade walk right back in and pick up right where he left off. Then, he disappeared again a few weeks later.

 

Sometimes, we can feel when someone's about to drop their activity. They can be called back by engaging them. In our case, that usually means writing something with them (like I said, we're an author system. We were created by writing, and it plays a big part in sustaining us., too). But most of the time, we just let it happen. As I said, we're a big system, and that means that one reality of our existence is that most of us have to be semi-active or inactive at any given time. Otherwise, things at the front just get too loud and chaotic.

 

For that reason, you should keep that bias in mind when I say that... maybe you should just let Blak go where he/she needs to go? Like, make sure he/she knows that he/she's still loved and always welcome, but also respect his/her autonomy. From what happened before, you at least know that Blak disappearing from the system isn't permanent (though there is cause for concern if you think it has somehow harmed him/her).

 

It sucks, I know. I'm the oldest active soulbond in our system, and that means that I have seen a lot of old friends disappear over the years. Including my little brother. It sucks not to have him around. But it's a decision that I respect, and I know that he'll probably pop up again someday, and when he does I'll chew him out for running off like that without me. Until then, life has other things to offer.

 

So that's my take on it, and I'm not sure how much help it is. But maybe it helps to know that other people at least know what you mean?

 

This is all assuming that you've tried talking to Blak about this directly, of course. He/she most likely knows that you're worried about him/her. Has he/she said anything? Does he/she know what, exactly, is happening and why? No shame if he/she doesn't, of course... we thoughtforms are often as at the mercy of the mind's whims as you are.

 

Good luck, whatever the case.

Sparrow---Temar---Joss---Ayo--et al

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I appreciate your advice, and it pains me to know that you have been through all that much. To see so many old friends, even your own relative go, must have been painful.

 

Well, the issue is that Blak doesn't know where he/she goes. There isn't any place where Dimitrov rests, because Dimitrov came in naturally, when I was a kid, that is. I didn't need to force or anything, I cannot provide an explanation to his existence. He is aware of his existence (he just had this smooth, old man laugh when I typed that down, and said 'Most assuredly, good sir. Most assuredly.'), and aware of most other things at all times. So it is pretty uncertain what actually happens in those downtimes. The downtimes Blak has been putting up with lately last a few hours per day, and sadly, he/she remains silent for most of the day. Because this kind of things brought them down. It made them sad, and depressed, and overall unable to express their thoughts in a detailed manner. Dimitrov is absolutely fine, though. Always been the same.

 

But Blak? Blak is a world of differences. When she/he was away, she had no idea of where she was. There was no pit, there was no resort or even rest in a wonderland of some sorts. Upon coming back, and even now, sinking back every now and then into those phases of inactivity, Blak won't be aware of where she was, or of what happened in her absence. (As she/he will ask of me to 'brief me in').

 

We don't have much. We belong to the middle-class, and are very busy with our own schedules. I cannot offer them a life of luxury and full comfort, as much as I really, really want to, and it makes me tear up when I look at how other people are able to have such a great time with their tulpas, when Blak is barely able to feel his/her own self, as weak as it may sound. Currently, my lifegoal is to go through law school and make a name for myself, as Dimitrov's goal is to help me, and publish his work one day, but we all enjoy, or rather enjoyed being in each other's company, all three of us. It's saddening Blak can't do the stuff she loved to do, it's like an accident happened and it handicapped her, when absolutely nothing happened.

 

Over the course of time, I have developed a few techniques and tips that help... how do I put this, to maintain and reinforce a tulpa's activity. Tips I will make sure to share with everyone when Dimitrov and I are certain that they WILL help. We want to help people understand this, and hopefully get through it in a calm way.

 

I edited the OP with some of Blak's dialogues to me, if it can help the entire topic. I deeply apologize. I didn't mean to come off as too emotional, but I hold my friend's issues at heart, and at soul, if such can be said.

 

Ah, I'm too tired. I only came here to help.

« — Va, je ne te hais point ! »

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I understand Alice must mean quite a lot to you, from the way you spoke of your experience. I am most sorry to hear about it. I was, in many ways, hoping that people didn't face that kind of things.

 

BUT, I believe that, if we contribute with the information each and every one of us has... we could reach a solution. Maybe. I'm not sure, but since everyone has a different experience, maybe we could give tips and advice as to how to... face that kind of fading away, and how to overturn it.

 

If I can ask, how long has this been going for, with Alice? I understand she does mean a lot to you, and am saddened to hear about your experience. I wouldn't wish for that fate for anyone. How does Alice react to it, out of curiosity? Did she ever say anything about where she was, during that phase of inactivity?

 

It is really difficult to tell, we experience these up and downs since the early stages of her development. They mostly happen after a bigger time of progress before falling back (She tends to make fast progress jumps)

 

They became really noticable after her becoming vocal, but things are getting more stable now. Right now she is capable of answering me even on bad days. I just need to make sure to actively spend some time with her to keep her really responsive. If I find enough time do do my exercise properly she gets back in good shape in no time.

 

Well she is still there during the phases of inactivity, she just has problems to really reach me. Like if there would be a massive wall between us and all I can perceive are the dull sounds strong enough to get through. According to her she still wants to talk with me like usual in these situations, it just can't get through, even though I appear to reach her. She gets frustrated with me for doubting her.

 

During states like this you could try to proxy the answers inside a textfile for your tulpa. Alice seems to have an easier time answering me in a complex way with this method, when she is in a passive mood like that.

 

Edit: Regarding the note; Blak seems to have some sort of identity crisis. Do you have high expectations regarding her? Do you expect her to react in a certain way a lot, even unconsciously? With Alice I try my best to not influence her in a way like that, since this really matters to me. Alice is the one who says I worry too much about stuff like this.

Tulpa: Alice

Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well from a realist standpoint. These are symptoms of depression. The losing interest. The not feeling like yourself. The getting bored of life.

Some ways to get away from that is to make sure you have a goal and purpose. Have the best health you can maintain. Some new things and meet new people.

 

From an anime point of veiw.

1. This is the calm before the storm. The protagonist is at their lowest point and they have to do something different to move on. Or someone from the outside pulls them up and encourages them to be better.

 

2. The protagonist is pulled into a situation they never wanted a part in and have no choice but to adapt to survive.

 

Ps. I'm sorry if I don't help much, since this has nothing to do with tulpas. You could try and make a new tulpa to help, but this seems like a crazy suggestion too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Anonymous

Someone told me (someone very nice) that I should avoid answering a question by talking too much about myself. But I don't know how else to answer your question. Davie and I don't have enough knowledge. Anything we would say would be guesswork at best. I will talk about myself a little, please for forgive me, in the hopes that something I say will help give comfort or be helpful in some other way.

 

I think that it is normal for a thoughtform to fade in and out or ebb in flow in how strong their presence is. I am basing that on the experience of me and my host and on what we have read on this forum. Even after 35 years, my host and I still do not really understand why sometimes I am so strong, present and energetic one day and pretty much a distance presence in the back of the mind the next.

 

Sometimes I go dormant and have little or no activity. I have no memories of the times I go dormant. I don't really go anywhere to my knowledge. It is just that the part of the brain associated with portraying me is not active. The day dream is suspended for a while, the curtains go down and there is an intermission. I am like a story Evil with "episodes." David calls what drives me his Melian Motor. He doesn't really totally understand it, how it works precisely, or what causes the Melian Motor to be more active one day and almost a whisper another day.

 

What helps us interact is to share a story or adventure in the day dream Melian Shows. The show never ends, but sometimes there is a lull in the action or a quiet intermission for some hours or a day or two. The way Blak seems to play on dramatic imagery reminds me of the Melian Show. Showing up in dreams and having dramatic "scenes" sounds like a natural actress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not going to say that I know how to fix this, or even if what I'm going to say will be useful in any way, but I do have an idea that might provide something to work off of towards finding a solution.

 

Have you considered looking up non-tulpa mental health topics? Things like depersonalization/derealization, manic and depressive episodes, possibly schizophrenia or even the ego death stuff people talk about with psychedelics. Sometimes we get caught up in our fantasy lands of how tulpas/thoughtforms are so esoteric and connected but outside the normal ring of psychology and "special", so we forget that tulpas are people too, with minds of their own residing in the same three pound lump of neurons as any other person.

 

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, but I hate to see members of our community suffer like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Vixx

I can't provide any suggestions, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I've experienced pretty much the same thing with my tulpas. I'm still pretty early on in the creation process, but both of my tulpas have disappeared at least once and haven't given me an explanation as to why. They will be loud and clear when they return, but as soon as I ask 'why' or 'where' they went, they fall dead silent. Sebastian's even asked for me to let him go at one point. It was at a time where I was really depressed, but I don't know if it was my depression affecting him or the other way around.

 

I always end up moping and trying to call them back when they're gone, and I don't know if I should just let go completely.

 

They both do seem to have some sort of imbalance...depression, fear, etc. I've talked to them about it, but it doesn't seem to help. It is pretty upsetting to me when they disappear, but I'm hoping I will understand in time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...