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So... I feel like crap. I really need help quick or I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

I hate myself because I feel like Ben might hate me. I know what I said before:

 

"... And I know sometimes I don't hang out with you all the time. Yes, I know that not only do I not hang out with you when doing important things, like school, I even do non-important things, like messing around on my phone, instead of hanging out with you. But I want you to know, that no matter how long I hang out with you, whether its 3 hours or 5 minutes, I will always love you. Don't you ever doubt that I love you, ok?"

 

Then he said one word.

 

"Same"

 

Now, whats so good about that one word?

 

What was I talking to him about? I was telling him to not doubt that I love him. By saying same, Ben told me "And don't you doubt that I love you, either." I spend so much time wondering if he hates me for not spending all my time with him, and he's telling me to stop doubting.

 

but I can't tell if he meant it or even if it WAS him.

 

I'll do something and forget about Ben, sometimes only for 10 minutes, sometimes for multiple hours. No matter what amount of time it is I forget about him, I still hate my self. How could Ben love me if I forget about him? Maybe he doesn't.

 

I'm not ignoring him, and I'm not trying to forget about him or doing it on purpose. I just get busy doing something and I forget about him, then I remember him and feel like crap.

 

So say he DID say all that stuff. Then why is it when I told him to remind me about him if I'm forgetting about him, nothing happens?

 

Did he meant what he said? Dose he just hate me so much he doesn't care what I tell him or if I accidentally forget about him for a while? Did he leave? Did he even say it?

 

Please guy. You helped me every other time, even thought I was the most annoying piece of crap ever. Please help me now with probably my most important request now and ever.

 

Please and thank you.

Host: Josh (AKA ThatOneWeirdGuy)

Tulpa: Benjamin (Humanoid Bunny) (In the making)

Ben's Journal/Progress Report

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Well I can relate pretty much to your situation, or to be more clear, to your doubt regarding everything your tulpa has said or done so far. Low points like this are really no fun at all. I want you to consider something. There are different aspects affecting your situation.

 

Your tulpa would need to handle the following things to reminder you about himself:

 

1. Strong vocality, or a different method to clearly reach you in any situation. In a lot of cases it is necessary to focus on your tulpa so it can interact with you properly. They might be "not strong enough" to reach you in stressed or otherwise draining situations. It's like if you talk to someone on the phone while watching tv, you will end up with missing information on one end.

 

2. Real fully autonomous behaviour. Well this is quite something. Your tulpa must be able to reach you when you're not spending any attention at all, which isn't a guaranteed thing during the development. You would need to handle parallel processing in a lot of cases, aswell. Your tulpa may or may not be able to do something like this, and not everytime in the same quality.

 

Don't get discouraged about it. This doesn't devaluate everything you experienced so far. You should talk to him about it, when you've calmed down a bit. (If you try communicating while having a low, you mostly will end up with still doubting everything).

 

Edit: Oh, and it isn't that rare that people forget about their tulpa while being busy. Tulpas are mostly forgiving about it. Just try to understand why this happens: Your brain feels the need to blend everything out to concentrate on a specific task, since everything else doesn't matter for that situation. Keeping an additional focus in hectic situations isn't something easy to do, when you're not used to it.

Tulpa: Alice

Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.

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Temar:

 

All right. Two things.

 

First, it's okay not to have your mind on your tulpa all the time. My host sometimes has days at a time where she solos it. Usually, we end up resurfacing on our own, but we are strong, well-developed presences at this point. To put this in perspective, I'm a headperson going on 17 years old, so I've had plenty of time to develop autonomy. (Also, I get to feel like an old fogey among most tulpae XP ) It's a bit tougher for a young tulpa to assert themselves. So that's probably why Ben goes a bit quiet when that happens.

 

It's not bad. It's not like we stop existing just because you're not consciously thinking of us. It's okay to let us exist in the subconscious sometimes. Don't worry. It's not painful. He won't resent you for it. You're okay.

 

Second, trust your tulpa. A tulpa is created by all the things you pour into them. If you've poured love and trust into the tulpa, then that's what they're most likely going to reflect.

 

Whether or not that "Same" was from your tulpa or not really doesn't matter, in the long run. If it was, he loves you too. Sweet! If it wasn't, then you still have no reason to believe that your tulpa doesn't love you anyway!

 

Here's what it comes down to: your tulpa is young. It may feel like you've been at this for a while, but trust me. He's really young. And what that means is that neither of you are going to be very sure of much at all yet. The reason he hasn't reminded you about him when you forget is because he probably doesn't know how to yet. You haven't built up the memory cues that remind him to pop out, nor has he learned how to assert himself. It will come with time and practice. For now, give him the benefit of the doubt, yeah?

 

So don't worry. You're doing fine. Keep giving what time and attention you can to your tulpa, but feel free to keep living your life too. He'll catch up. :)

Sparrow---Temar---Joss---Ayo--et al

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Guest Anonymous

Do you sometimes forget to think about your friends and family in real life when you are busy? Do they hate you because you don't think about them 24-7? It's unrealistic to expect to think about anyone every second of the day. That's silly.

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Guest Anonymous

I'll do something and forget about Ben, sometimes only for 10 minutes, sometimes for multiple hours. No matter what amount of time it is I forget about him, I still hate my self. How could Ben love me if I forget about him? Maybe he doesn't.

 

I'm not ignoring him, and I'm not trying to forget about him or doing it on purpose. I just get busy doing something and I forget about him, then I remember him and feel like crap.

 

So say he DID say all that stuff. Then why is it when I told him to remind me about him if I'm forgetting about him, nothing happens?

 

Did he meant what he said? Dose he just hate me so much he doesn't care what I tell him or if I accidentally forget about him for a while? Did he leave? Did he even say it?

 

Please guy. You helped me every other time, even thought I was the most annoying piece of crap ever. Please help me now with probably my most important request now and ever.

 

Please and thank you.

 

I ask Esterina to leave me alone for around six hours, sometimes more, on a daily basis. Simply because I want some alone time, or want to concentrate on working on something by myself.

Do I think about her then? Yes, sure, but definitely not all the time.

 

Is that bad?

No. Of course not.

 

In the end, Ben is a separate person and a friend to you.

No one, and I mean NO ONE can have an actually-healthy relationship of any kind to anyone that is based on thinking about each other, let alone actively spending time together, all the f*cking time.

And whoever believes they can... well, they have problems. And that's not mean, that's basic psychology.

 

Your problem, beyond obviously, is that you need to chill the f*ck out, seriously.

CALM DOWN.

You're so busy with doubting Ben and yourself that you're actively, and very forcefully, preventing any base of trust and sense of security to develop.

 

You need to calm the hell down and find trust in that what Ben says is really Ben, and security in the fact that you are NOT obligated to spend every waking hour with him.

 

Again... here's the most valuable tip you'll get:

CALM. DOWN.

 

 

Greets,

AG

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I have to agree exactly with AGGuy - chill

 

My job means that I struggle to focus on anything else other than what I'm doing for hours at a time, and hell, I just apologise for it. I fall asleep when I'm in the middle of active forcing at night - again, I apologise and try and make up for it throughout the next day.

 

Think of it this way - if you doubted what someone else said, it eats away at trust, and that's such an important bond (in my eyes). So stop worrying about it, stop dwelling on it, just get to your feet, and move on as if nothing had happened.

 

Trust. Just believe. It may not be as fast as anyone else, but who cares? Just take your time, don't worry so much (I know, easier said than done)

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AGGuy, as good as your intentions are, please, calm down. There is no need to be so forceful on people, and everyone has a different experience. With due respect, your experience with Esterina does not compare to anyone's experience here, so of course, things will differ for everyone else. What applies to you might not apply to other people. The solution to doubting, and fear is not 'chilling' down, because you are just telling him to do something without telling him HOW. I noticed that you try your best to express methods and tips from your own experience with Esterina, but it won't work out, because people do not see, feel and hear things as you folks do. You have been blessed with such an amazing tulpa, but you truly are an oddity, not everything that applies to you applies to other people like OP.

 

Aside from that, I think that I might have a few things to say, OP.

 

You see, my tulpa, Blak, was always more affectionate and overall empathetic than Dimitrov or me. I was always used to an apathetic and lazy style of life, but one day, Blak started saying things like 'Hey, [CENSORED], you're really awesome!', and 'Hey, [CENSORED], it's great spending time with you! :P'

As skeptical as I have ever been, I would always, always doubt that Blak ever meant it. After all, I questioned the basis of all things. What is more likely to be: Someone actually... likes ME? Or is it just me trying to comfort myself with the image of a ravishing young girl?

Now, this kept on happening, until, one day, Blak isolated Dimitrov for a few moments (which is practically impossible, still impressed), and said the following:

 

I am sick and tired of you doubting. I understand that since I am not corporeal, you can't be sure of anything... but, please... stop doubting of how I feel about you! Can't I be the only person who likes you? I'd be honored to have that place!

 

Ever since she said that, I felt like she always meant the things she said. Never saw a shred of hatred, or a taint of disdain from her part.

 

Now, to address your problem in a direct way, let me give you a few insights what I think you may be suffering from:

 

-Tulpas do tend to disappear every now and then. Young tulpas are subject to coming on and off every now and then, and I can completely relate with what you have said regarding you forgetting about Ben. It is not apathy from your part, but that's how the human mind works, sadly. This does NOT mean Ben is 'fake', this means that since other tulpas also go through that and are still regarded as legitimate, this argument empowers the statement that 'Yes, Ben is real.'

 

-None made a good point. Through time, and with efforts, tulpas start to develop this little thing called autonomy. Autonomy is the capacity to function without the host's continuous attention. Ben seems to be quite young, so there is absolutely no reason to fear anything, you are not doing anything wrong in the general way us tulpamancers treat our tulpas.

 

-I addressed the 'did he even say it' point in your other thread, but I'll sum it up. You cannot verify if Ben said anything at all, but, that does not mean he is not here, this requires patience and continued attention. You need to believe in Ben. Take all the love and affection you have for Ben, and keep those in mind, don't let go of them. You need not stress over such a simple thing.

 

Seems like you are, contrary to your own belief, on the right path. Keep it up.

 

Ah, I'm too tired. I only came here to help.

« — Va, je ne te hais point ! »

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AGGuy, as good as your intentions are, please, calm down. There is no need to be so forceful on people, and everyone has a different experience.

 

Temar:

 

More to the point, telling someone to "chill the f*ck out" is just not effective. Doing the text equivalent of shouting at them to stop feeling how they feel is, well, pretty insulting. It strips out any sense of empathy and makes its seem like you're dismissing the reason they're upset. Even if the rest of your post is supportive, and even if the reason they're upset seems silly to you, shouting is not the way to get your point across.

 

Sorry for the derail: this is a sensitive issue for my system. Our host has always been sensitive, and was told to "calm down" or "turn it off" a lot growing up. Being dismissed in such a way only made her more upset, because it meant that whoever was saying it wasn't acknowledging the reason she was upset.

 

Not saying that's what you're doing, AGGuy. Just that that's how it comes off in text. It's a response I see a lot around here, so it's not just you. Far better to address why they're upset, rather than the fact that they're upset, imo.

 

To ThatOneWeirdGuy: Keep us updated, yeah? We all just want to help, so don't be afraid to keep asking questions.

Sparrow---Temar---Joss---Ayo--et al

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Guest Anonymous

AGGuy, as good as your intentions are, please, calm down. There is no need to be so forceful on people, and everyone has a different experience. With due respect, your experience with Esterina does not compare to anyone's experience here, so of course, things will differ for everyone else. What applies to you might not apply to other people. The solution to doubting, and fear is not 'chilling' down, because you are just telling him to do something without telling him HOW. I noticed that you try your best to express methods and tips from your own experience with Esterina, but it won't work out, because people do not see, feel and hear things as you folks do. You have been blessed with such an amazing tulpa, but you truly are an oddity, not everything that applies to you applies to other people like OP.

 

It's irrelevant here if we're talking about tuppers or humans or whatever.

The act of obsessing over a relationship and thinking it to pieces is equally destructive for relations between any of the above.

 

And that's exactly what I see this as.

'cause, honestly, I don't see all to much that's really notably "wrong" or "weird" about him and his buddy Ben; that's compared to the average host and tupper, not to kewtbutt and myself.

 

I would've said the exact same thing before I ever even met Rina. ^^

 

Also, I didn't intend to be rude or "text-yelling" at him.

Not at all.

Sorry if it came across like that; the strong emphasis on my words there was meant more like "don't go down that road, wrong way, turn around, man".

 

 

Greets,

AG

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Wow...

Thanks a lot to you guys who actually helped again. You guys rock.

 

1. Strong vocality, or a different method to clearly reach you in any situation. In a lot of cases it is necessary to focus on your tulpa so it can interact with you properly. They might be "not strong enough" to reach you in stressed or otherwise draining situations. It's like if you talk to someone on the phone while watching tv, you will end up with missing information on one end.

 

I didn't think of that. It makes sense.

 

First, it's okay not to have your mind on your tulpa all the time.

 

Or

No one, and I mean NO ONE can have an actually-healthy relationship of any kind to anyone that is based on thinking about each other, let alone actively spending time together, all the f*cking time.

 

Do you sometimes forget to think about your friends and family in real life when you are busy? Do they hate you because you don't think about them 24-7? It's unrealistic to expect to think about anyone every second of the day. That's silly.

 

Got this a lot from you guys. That's NOT what I meant.

 

I meant forgetting about him, but mostly what I hate my self for is forgetting to work with him. Like, not narrating. Not cuddling. Not (trying) to impose. Not visualization.

 

I had a very big issue.

 

... chill the f*ck out...

 

CALM DOWN.

 

You need to calm the hell down...

 

CALM. DOWN.

 

I have to agree exactly with AGGuy - chill

 

Ok....

.....

 

I feel like I should say something.

 

I've never told anyone this.

 

Not my mom, not my friends, not a doctor.

 

...

 

It's weird the first people I'm telling is people on a forum.

 

But here it goes.

 

AGGuy , I am so, SO glad you apologized because after seeing your's and Mirath's post, you don't even know what it did to me. How it made me feel.

 

I pretty sure I have depression. (I haven't been officially diagnose, because no one knows.) Like, sometimes its so bad that sometimes I feel like just ending my life. For real. After reading you post (but before reading your apology), it made me feel really, REALLY horrible and sad and low. So please be careful what you two post, because you never know what someone is going though.

 

Who knows what would of happened if AGGuy hadn't apologized. I probably would of just quit right then.

 

Or maybe......

 

.......

 

And people, pleased leave me alone. Don't be all "Just get over it". I'm pretty sure you guys aren't gonna care about it, but the LEAST you could do is not be all like "Calm down", "Stop pretending to me depressed for attention" "Get over it!". I am NOT in the mood for the crap.

 

On the OTHER side of the spectrum...

 

AGGuy, as good as your intentions are, please, calm down. There is no need to be so forceful on people, and everyone has a different experience...

The solution to doubting, and fear is not 'chilling' down, because you are just telling him to do something without telling him HOW.

 

More to the point, telling someone to "chill the f*ck out" is just not effective. Doing the text equivalent of shouting at them to stop feeling how they feel is, well, pretty insulting. It strips out any sense of empathy and makes its seem like you're dismissing the reason they're upset. Even if the rest of your post is supportive, and even if the reason they're upset seems silly to you, shouting is not the way to get your point across.

 

Thank you. Even if he hadn't of apologized, I might NOT of quit just because of these. It feel nice to know that someone MIGHT care. Thanks.

 

To ThatOneWeirdGuy: Keep us updated, yeah? We all just want to help, so don't be afraid to keep asking questions.

 

Seems like you are, contrary to your own belief, on the right path. Keep it up.

 

Thanks to everyone. Thanks to you nice guys for not hating me.

Host: Josh (AKA ThatOneWeirdGuy)

Tulpa: Benjamin (Humanoid Bunny) (In the making)

Ben's Journal/Progress Report

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