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Tulpaforcing progress


Seebaru

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Day 12

I did some active forcing at midday. Cielo was outside and was trying to pick some fruits, but I realized that his figure was more blurry than when I last saw him - I have to improve visualization more. Even though I could see him smiling, he didn't say a word.

During the afternoon I tried to make Cielo listen to some male voice, and suggested him modifying his own mindvoice in order to make it different from mine. He seemed to not like the voice samples I showed much, so I'll have to make more attempts.

After dinner I did some active forcing again. I wasn't feeling very well - both my throat and my head ached - and my memories about what exactly happened in that session are very confused, but I think Cielo actually carried me upstairs and made me lay on one of the beds. I took the occasion to improve the visualization - I managed to see his face better, at least, and talked to him for a bit. He didn't say anything different from "yes" and "no".

 

Day 13

I did nothing today, mainly because it was my birthday and the messages from family and friends distracted me all day. It's not like I had that many things to do, but I didn't even manage to take more than 10 minutes of peace without someone calling me for some reason.

 

Day 14

I tried to do some passive forcing during the day (fruitless, since I can't get used to it) and some active forcing of very few minutes. I realized I can't find Cielo very easily: I don't always find him where I last saw him, and I often end up finding him in strange places. This time he was at the corner of the kitchen, next to the tub. I managed seeing him for some minutes and talked to him, then I got distracted again. I tried to do some active forcing to the evening - again, fruitlessly.

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Day 15

Today I took the train very early in the morning. I actually hoped I could active force during the journey, but I was distracted all the time for anything - the train shaking, the noises (which were even louder than the pink noise I was listening to) and even the smells, so I gave up. At home I didn' manage to do anything, so this would be a fruitless day.

 

Day 16

I tried to do some passive forcing with Cielo while watching a movie. I have the feeling I managed to keep him more "present" than usual.

Before dinner I finally managed to active force. I won't resume all the things I did because it would get too long (and too personal), so if anyone wants to know more, just let me know. This is a summary of what I discovered and what we did:

- Cielo never has it with me, but he does know what does "angry" mean, and he is able to do an angry expression. I was afraid he was growing up without anger (?), but it seems like this is not the case.

- Doors are too short for him to go through them (he is more than 2 meters tall); I noticed that when he goes inside a room he goes through the wall on top of the door. He doesn't go through any other walls in general, though - I didn't see him doing that, anyway.

- He really likes pizza margherita. (You might not get this, but this is very important to me - I don't know, maybe it's only an Italian thing)

- He has a mole in the middle of his left cheek.

- He changed his outfit: he always has his long black coat, he wears white trousers, black shos and a sky-blue shirt. He also has got a pair of metal earrings.

- When he speaks, he doesn't move his lips. We trained for a bit his lips-moving skills - still, I have the feeling this will take a while to work, because it's not "essential" to me nor to him.

- For now he always speaks with the same mindvoice as me. The only moment when he actually surprised me was when I talked about concluding the session and he said "stay here" with a lower voice.

Today he was also more clingy than usual, probably because I left him alone for all this time. I feel very bad for this, and the worst thing is that he never gets angry about it. I'd like to make him suffer less - I have the feeling he is suffering, but he won't ever admit he feels sad about anything.

During the evening I went to a concert and tried to make Cielo listen to that. I'll ask him whether he could hear it or not nex time I'll see him.

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Day 17

I didn't active force at all because I had many things to do during the day, but I tried to do some passive forcing when possible.

 

Day 18

Today it was strange, very strange. Many things happened in few hours and I don't know how to explain them. Cielo fell prey to several mood swings, which never happened before. I'm also on my period, though, so I started wondering if he started feeling the same side effects - it sounds strange to me, though.

 

Early in the afternoon I tried to active force while I was on a train, again. This time I managed to do it. I asked him whether he could listen to the concert while I was passive forcing on day 16, and he told me he could hear it partially - this means I have to keep the focus all the time if I want him to be able to listen to something.

I thought that it would be easier to keep my focus if we kept ourselves busy, so I proposed to go for a walk outside. He said he wanted to cuddle instead. I was a bit surprised, but went along with that.

I tend to hug, pet, and kiss (on the cheeks or on his forehead) Cielo a lot, usually. It just feels natural to do it. From time to time I ask him some questions, just to be sure I'm still there and didn't start fantasizing. Then... he kissed me on the lips. I was so surprised that I didn't even have a definite reaction: I just stayed there and didn't know what to say nor what to do. I'm pretty sure he did that, too, because he even kissed me two times more after the first kiss. After I got my brain back, I asked him not to do it again until we can comunicate properly at least. He looked like he understood.

I had to stop the session because I had to get off the train and go home. When I restarted the active forcing, he didn't greet me as usual: he didn't smile, although he let me hug him. After a while, I started getting distracted again, and that was when things got strange.

When I managed to keep focused, I found him in a corner of the bedroom, crying. I told him I was sorry (I always apologize when I lose focus, so you might say it's almost a habit) and that I was trying my best to keep my focus while active forcing, but he suddently seemed angry.

Then I started to remember some episodes I read on the Internet, about other hosts being kicked out of their wonderlands from their tulpas, and started feeling anxious about that happening to me. Cielo most probably heard what I was thinking, because he said "yes" and I could feel that he was referring to that thought. I was so shocked I left without saying anything back. (Then I cried too, because I'm literally unable to stand fights with friends.)

At first I was sad, then I got angry and started talking to him out loud, then I felt depressed again. At some point I said something like "I'm a terrible host" and I'm almost sure I heard him replying "that's not true". I couldn't see him, of course, but I had the feeling he was trying to comfort me.

In the end I tried to active force again in the evening. He looked sorry for what happened, I apologized again and we made up, then I practiced with visualization for a while. When I lost focus after a while, he looked resigned, as if he was getting used to it.

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Day 19

Today I managed to talk with Cielo for a while in order to know him better, starting from his likes and dislikes. At some point I sensed a light smell of apple, so I guess he picked a scent for himself - I didn't know he could do that.

 

Day 20

Cielo still doesn't like the idea of me leaving the mindscape. Today he told me he didn't want to go for a walk, at first, but then he gave me a piggyback and took me towards the open field at the right of the mindscape. I didn't ever imagine anything to be there, but then I saw a round opening in the ground that looked like a manhole made of dark bricks. He called it "wishing well" (in English, even though we usually speak Italian) and he dropped a coin into it. I did the same.

I did some active forcing again in the evening, and I found him while he was picking some fruits from a tree. I helped him carrying some, then I found out he didn't want to eat them - he wanted to plant them next to the well (his idea of "planting" consists in pushing each fruit in the ground, until they disappear under the surface).

Then I discovered something embarrassing. Apparently Cielo started kissing me on the lips because he thought that I wanted him to do it. I couldn't help getting angry: what's the point in doing what I "want", if I want him to be independent? I also felt guilty, because he actually based his behaviour on what he thought would make me happy, so it's also my fault for not clarifying things right away. I asked him not to do it again unless it really is his intention, and explained to him what does a kiss on the lips mean to me.

In the end I just took him home, and told him I wasn't angry anymore. He seemed confused more than anything.

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Day 21

Today I didn't force, and didn't even passive force, although I tried to (I feel very guilty about it). I did discover some new things about tulpas, though, by talking to a tulpamancer friend. Getting feedback from more experienced tulpamancers sure helps a lot.

 

Day 22

This morning Cielo tried to change his voice, making it similar to the voice of a dubber I know - he kept using my mindvoice for the rest of the day, though. He looked down, but he kept saying he was fine, which of course worried me even more: how can I help him if he doesn't want to be helped?

I was suggested hugging him while passive forcing. The idea didn't ever cross my mind, actually, because I was SURE that I could only talk to Cielo during a passive forcing session, but it's actually very simple: I just have to think of him and think of hugging him. It was so easy to do I felt very stupid for not figuring it out before. We kept hugging each other for almost all day. It's easier to keep the focus with a gesture than it can be with words, apparently.

In the early afternoon I was asked from my friend's tulpa to talk with Cielo, in order to help him expressing himself better. They talked for almost half an hour, but Cielo didn't ever say more than 3-4 words at a time. For some questions he replied right away, for some others he seemed very undecided, as if he couldn't find the words to explain what he was thinking. At some point he looked uncomfortable about going on, but at least he seemed in a better mood.

I think it would help Cielo a lot if he could at least use tulpish, but he doesn't seem familiar with it, and I don't know if I'd be able to teach him.

In the evening I couldn't concentrate very well, so I couldn't active force again.

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Day 23

Early in the morning I thought I had found Cielo while he was sleeping, but I think he actually was just faking it to make me happy (I was curious to watch him sleeping). After a while he hugged me and invited me in his bed. I took the occasion to try and visualize him better by touching his chest and his back. For some reason he started to do the same to me - I had to stand up and put some distance between us when things started getting awkward... for me. Cielo doesn't show any embarrassment, EVER.

In the afternoon I went in the mindscape once more, but I couldn't find Cielo in the first 5-10 minutes I forced; in the end I found him beyond the orchard, next to the beach. For a moment I saw him with shorter, almost white hair.

Now, this needs an explanation: on day 22 I found out about a fictional character from the game "Tales of Zestiria" called Mikleo, and thought he looked cute. Cielo suddently looked worried about what I thought. This means that he changed his looks because he wanted me to like him the same as Mikleo, I guess...? Anyway, after I reassured him about what my feelings might be ("you're supposed to choose the looks YOU like, not the looks I like! I'll love you no matter what is your form anyway!") he went back to his normal self. After this, we started walking by the sea for a while.

When I went back to passive forcing, I just held his hand. Cielo seems to like staying on my left side. Then, as I was chatting with a friend and her tulpa, I got the strong feeling that Cielo was clinging to my left arm. As the evening came and I active forced again, Cielo was so happy he looked moved. He was exactly where I last saw him - next to the shore, surrounded by trees.

We went back home and ate some pizza, joking around, then we went to sleep. We both went in his bed and kept cuddling until I fell asleep.

 

Day 24

Cielo was my first lucid thought as I woke up. Going in the mindscape is far more easier to do now! And I finally caught him while he was sleeping. I didn't want to wake him up, so I stayed next to him and petted his hair until he woke up - at that moment I tried to practice visualization again. The embarrassment I felt before while touching him seemes to have disappeared; now I feel excited when I do it. At some point I just had to stop with cuddles and took him to the first floor to eat breakfast.

In Italy most people are used to eat sweet/light things (biscuits, milk, coffee, jam, corn flakes, croissant and so on) in the morning, but Cielo seems to like fried, oil-rich food - he cooked himself eggs and bacon for breakfast. I just watched him while he was cooking for as long as I could keep my focus.

During the morning, every time I thought of him, I could "feel" him touching my arm (not imposition, but I knew I was doing it). The sensation was a bit more clear than yesterday. After lunch the sensation got weaker though, until it faded completely without me noticing; I only realized in the evening and I got worried.

When I went back in the mindscape, though Cielo only told me he was tired. I wanted to keep him company while he was eating dinner, but he refused and just brought me upstairs instead, looking far more decisive than usual. Not that I mind.

We almost had a crisis, though. While we were talking, it came out the fact that, even though I know that he's hugging me or petting me, I can't actually "feel" physically those sensations as he does (yet). He suddently seemed shocked, so I tried to make him calm down, telling him I'd do my best to be able to feel him better, but he didn't look much comforted, although he did calm down.

I was suggested giving him a symbol of our bond, so I gave him a necklace. I was also thinking about some pendant to put on it, but Cielo seems satisfied as it is.

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Day 25

This morning as well I immediately thought of Cielo, but I also had strange dreams and got too distracted to stay focused for active forcing. At the first attempt I felt very tired, and at the second one it was Cielo who told me to just forget it, so that I didn't struggle too much. Even though he kept repeating it, he looked a bit angry for some reason.

For all day I tried doing some passive forcing, but I didn't manage to do much. I could just hear him every once in a while, when he gave some answers at some of my thoughts - or giggled about them. He's developing some sort of sharp humour, not that I mind.

When I active forced in the evening, he looked very happy again, but I noticed I couldn't see the environment and his shape as good as the past days. Since we were both tired and didn't want to "work" too much and get bored (when I get bored I also get distracted right away), I taught him how to dance (valzer, for that much I know about it). I'm glad he didn't give up on touching me, despite what he discovered yesterday. I ended up falling asleep during the session.

 

Day 26

Today I woke up very early for some reason, and was too tired to do anything; when I finally felt better it was too late (bright and noisy outside) to force. Cielo seemed annoyed because of this, and I can't say he was wrong: he's finally learning to put his needs first than mine.

In the afternoon I was worried Cielo was still angry, but he hugged me (during passive) and assured me he wasn't. He stayed like this for hours, to the point I started "feeling" ticklish.

In the evening I wanted to active force, but I couldn't. Cielo doesn't even seem that sorry about it anymore.

I feel like I'm going backwards: I visualize worse than before now.

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These days we didn't work much - I'm probably procastinating a lot, this is true. I'll do my best to keep some company to Cielo for more time.

 

Day 27

Today I only heard from Cielo in the evening. I was chatting with a friend (in case you were wondering, she's Azure on tulpa.info), then she told me that she dreamt of Cielo. I replied, as a joke "he's betraying me! He'd rather have you as host than me!" and suddently Cielo clinged to me and shouted "That's not true! You have to believe me, that's not true! I like YOU!". It was fun, but Cielo must have felt very scared. I gave him some cuddles to make him calm down and in the evening I managed to visualize him pretty good again - the "backwards" moment is over, I hope.

 

Day 28

I active forced in the evening, for something like... ten minutes? I was busy all day and couldn't focus much. We went stargazing together in the mindscape.

It looks like Cielo is starting to dislike anything that distracts me from himself - messages, games and even friends.

 

Day 29

Since I had to take the train (again)today I didn't do as much as I hoped to, but I managed to active force for more than half an hour while on the train, and focused on visualization. Cielo's face looks whole, but it's still a bit deformed, with some traits (his eyes and his mouth) that look bigger than what they should be - I'm sure he doesn't actually look like this because when I don't stare at him directly he looks "normal", with good proportions. He picked lots of fruits again and put it all on the table. I'm not sure about what does he want to do with it - whenever I ask, I can't hear the reply.

Since the train was crowded, it was too noisy to focus more; at the end of the day I was too tired to do anything else.

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Day 30

Today is Cielo's first monthiversary. I'm not used to celebrate any monthiversaries in general and I'm a mess with dates of birthdays and so on, but I feel this as a very important milestone. I mean - I've been tulpaforcing for a month, and Cielo quickly became a very important person to me. His development was very quick at the beginning, but it has slowed down in the most recent days, mostly because of my lazyness.

Today didn't go as I planned. I managed to active force just for ten minutes, and it was packed with intrusive thoughts. I use this method for get rid of those usually, but this is the first time my intrusive thoughts actually influenced the mindscape: a hill appeared behind the house and few second later it was erupting mud; a moment after Cielo comes to me, but he was female and the name "Soleil" keeped popping in my mind. I had to stop right away and clear my mind more to make it stop. It was so messy I started having strong doubts about my actual ability to force a mindscape: did I actually do that, or is it just me acting as if I could do it? Maybe I've been talking to myself these days, and Cielo was left in a corner and is looking at me doing everything.

After a while I managed to see Cielo again, and asked him whether he was actually female or not - he answered he wasn't and also looked puzzled, so I figured it WAS just my imagination going wild.

For his monthiversary I builded a greenhouse for him, since he spends lots of time picking fruits and burying them to make more trees grow, but he didn't look too happy about it. I guess I still have to learn a lot about Cielo and what he likes.

 

Day 31

Today I made a terrible mistake.

As an apology, during active forcing I told Cielo I'd do anything to be forgiven. Cielo, then, told me to stay in the mindscape with him. So I had to reply I'd have to get out of the mindscape sooner or later anyway. Cielo got angry (of course) and asked me to leave immediately. I felt very sorry about it.

In the end I decided I'll start to practice some imposition, starting from Cielo's presence. It went pretty good for a beginning.

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This is getting a bit repetitive, isn't it? And it's getting more and more personal as the time goes by. Maybe it would be better to make simpler updates and stick to the improvements in our tulpaforcing, but I still have to figure out a method I'm comfortable with. So today, as an update, here are other two days.

 

Day 32

I active forced for a while this morning, and I clearly explained to Cielo what is presence imposition all about. In the end he looked very happy, but I don't think he forgave me for me neglecting him these past few days. He doesn't seem to like the greenhouse I built for him and I think I know why: that would be a place for him to relax and spend his time, but in the end the whole mindscape has the same function when I'm not there, and Cielo doesn't need any other place where to isolate himself.

During the day I did my best to impose him as much as I could.

 

Day 33

I did my best to impose Cielo's presence during the day, but I find it difficult to imagine Cielo with me when we're in crowded places, simply because I end up imagining him staying behind, blocked by the crowd.

This evening in the mindscape Cielo told me that he created a boat. This surprised me a lot, because I didn't imagine anything else except for our little land with the house and the trees. I guess Cielo likes the sea far more than I do, then. He also told me that he keeps gathering fruit because he doesn't have anything else to do when I'm not there.

He still feels lonely when I'm not there, so our symbolical bond (the necklace) doesn't work much.

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