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First Tulpa


phaseshift

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Day 1 || 29.03.16

 

I've been browsing this forum for a while now- likely since the summer of last year. The idea of a tulpa has always interested me- and I have spent at least seven months researching all about them. I finally feel ready to begin my journey into making a tulpa of my own. This thread will hopefully be my way of sharing my progress with the community.

 

In this first post, I am going to detail some things I wish to discuss now, rather than have them asked later. These will include:

  • Who I am.
  • My reasoning for creating a tulpa.
  • Information about who my tulpa will be.
  • My documentation plans.
  • My goals.

 

I should start off by introducing myself. I would like to be called Angel, and would like they / them pronouns used for myself. I am nonbinary, and sixteen years old. I have several mental illness, including anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder. These things have made aspects of daily life hard for me. I'm generally a really creative and fun person when I'm not having a mental illness episode. I am known to have suicidal thoughts, and may have attempted once or twice. I will go into more detail about that soon. Due to school, my depression gets really bad towards the middle of a term. I am almost at my exams, and will hopefully be done with them soon. I don't really know what to say about myself- I blame the BPD- but I'm sure as this thread goes on you might learn more about me.

 

The next point I would like to address is why I wish to create a tulpa. While the reason itself is basic, my explanation is a little more personal. I wish to create a tulpa in order to have a friend. That is the basic way of putting it. I've never really had someone close to me- all of my "friends" from school have since left me, due to my mental illness- and I generally only have one close online friend. Feeling this lonely isn't really good for my health in general, and I feel like creating a tulpa could aid this. No, I am not just creating a tulpa to force them to be my friend. I'm sure I have had tulpas in the past, one who I remember being called King, and one named Finch, who I accidently created. I never created them to be my friends, yet they were there for me more than anyone else in my life has been. Unfortunately, they seem to have dissipated- as I did not realise that they were tulpas. I do not plan to bring them back (yet).

 

I know it is a controversial topic in the community, and I hope I am going to be handling it in a suitable way. The tulpa I plan to make will be based off of one of my comfort characters. Although it might sound stupid- seeing this character during a breakdown can pull me out, and can stop me from doing dangerous and impulsive things. I believe basing my tulpa off of this character will not only aid me- but likely encourage me to keep on going. I understand that 'making a fictional character' could lead to issues such as an identity crisis. That's why I'm- sort of making them the character, but not really. In the beginning, I will make them as if they were the character, but telling them that they are not. For example, giving them the form of this character, the personality, the characteristics, and the voice. But I will tell that that they are based off of this character, or similar to this character, and that they are allowed to change however they please. In doing so, I have also made their age a whole ten ish years younger, to match them to a similar age as myself. I will always ensure to encourage them to try new things, should they want a new look, to act in a different way, I will always let and encourage them to do so. I feel like I can only describe it as the one time where Disneyland in Tokyo, Japan, had a bunch of special characters for Halloween that were based around the Disney Villains, but not the actual villain themself. I hope my explanation was clear!

 

Now that long winded explanation is out of the way- I really ought to tell you who this character is- and generally, the traits that make them up. I will be talking about them as if they were any other person, and not just a fictional character. Better to start doing this from the beginning? I have made three flashcards, that have basic information I could tell my tulpa while forcing in the very beginning. I'm going to type them up below so that you can get a grips as to who my tulpa will be!

 

Basics

Your name is Rhys.

You are seventeen years old.

You are male.

You are based off of the character from the video game 'Tales from the Borderlands'.

You are my friend.

 

Traits

You are an ambitious man.

You have dreams of being a great leader.

You are a loyal friend.

You are very kind towards your friends.

Many people would call you caring.

You are very affectionate.

You are very smart, and very wise.

You can be protective at times.

You are very trustworthy.

 

Appearance

You are tall.

You have an average build.

You have short, brown, fluffy hair.

Your right eye is a beautiful brown, while your left eye is a vibrant blue.

Your right arm is mechanical; a sleek, yellow build.

You wear a striped blue shirt, black trousers with thin blue stripes going down the right leg, a red suspender tie, a black bodywarmer with a Hyperion logo on, white boots, and the cutest socks.

 

As you can already guess, he won't be 100% like the game character. It's a good start. These are written on flashcards, that I'll be able to use every so often during my forcing sessions. It's always good to go back to basics every once in awhile! Anyways, as I said before, my reasoning for creating this tulpa in particular, is that he is based off of one of my comfort characters. While I'm sure many people will disagree and call this wrong- I hope you understand my reasoning, and can see that I'm doing my best to cater to my wants, as well as his needs.

 

The next thing I plan to talk about is my documentation plans. In this thread, I plan to post everything. Information about my emotions, my feelings, my general wellbeing. Along with things like my forcing sessions, my progress, and the like. I will also type up any written documentation I have, and any verbal things if Rhys doesn't mind me doing so. But that will come later. For now, I have several notebooks, stored in a special box, that I plan to use to document different things. I'm a very neat person (I do own a bullet journal afterall.) and like to keep things in separate notebooks. Two of the notebooks were ordered from Redbubble, and are Borderlands themes; two are general A4 notebooks I took from school; and three are notebooks I bought in Disneyland Paris during my last trip there. Anyways, let me list what each notebook is for!

  • A4 Red Notebook: This notebook is for planning and research. So far it has eight pages on the very basics of tulpa creation. As I read more guides, I will copy things down into this notebook. The front page contains an index, my list of daily goals, and a list of what each notebook is for- in case I forget.
  • A4 Purple Notebook: This notebook will be for any written forcing I do. If I decide to do forcing that requires writing, it will be documented in this notebook. Hopefully it will fill up rather quickly!
  • A5 Mickey Mouse Studded Notebook: In this notebook, I plan to write a letter to Rhys every single day. After reading This guide, I feel rather inspired to write a letter to him, to either read them to him, or show him at a later date. Once the notebook is full, I will find another, and keep going. I feel like this would be a way to start getting close from day one.
  • A5 Mickey Mouse Glitter Notebook: I plan to use this notebook to write a journal, documenting what I do each day, and my general feelings on it. It will be like this thread, except without all the written evidence, and might not hold as much detail.
  • A5 Book with the phrase 'I love you' in many languages across the front: This book will either be used for more letters, should the need come to it, or will be a shared notebook for us both to use. I haven't decided yet. I have many notebooks. Oops.
  • A5 'Rhys' Notebook: This notebook has the pattern of Rhys' clothes on the front, and will be for him to use however he pleases. I wonder what he'd think about it.
  • A5 Hyperion Notebook: It's so yellow! Another notebook for Rhys to use as he pleases.

 

Golly that was long! I hope this wall of text isn't boring people to bits!

I guess my next point to address is my goals. My main goal is to make a tulpa. My monthly goals is to spend at least 50% of the days in the month forcing. For example, if a month has thirty days, I want to spend a minimum of fifteen days forcing. (Obviously not fifteen straight days- more like- an hour a day, for fifteen days in the month.) I think this is doable. Of course, I ideally want to spend every single day forcing, but to set a low goal like this makes it easier to achieve, beat, and outdo the goal, making the reward seem so much more satisfactory. My weekly goals would be to spend at least four days a week forcing. (Yes, I know the maths doesn't add up, but we're talking about if I only look at a week, or only look at a month.) My daily goals are a little different. They go as followed.

  • Write a letter to Rhys everyday.
  • Spend an hour or more (actively or passively) forcing everyday.
  • Write in the journal everyday.
  • Show love.

This all seems doable. The last goal doesn't mean to love Rhys, or force him to love me, more show that he is loved, as I tend to not do that towards the people I know. I tend not to show people that I care about them, or value them, so I really ought to keep it a goal to show Rhys every single day how much he would mean to me. I wouldn't be updating this thread every single day, as some days, nothing will happen. However, if something major happens, I will be sure to post, if not, once a week should do it. I have a feeling my posts are going to get very long.

 

That was a lot of typing.

It's 1am, and I should really be sleeping.

This was Day 1 for me, although I did not actively force, I think having planned this much, and set out the supplies, ready for tomorrow, is an achievement in itself. I cannot wait to update you all more, I apologise if any of this is long or offensive, and I hope to have an update soon!!

 

To be honest, I can't wait for everything to pan out. I'm going to Disneyworld in Florida for three weeks in November / December, and again in February. I can't wait to take Rhys! I'm sure he'd enjoy that.

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I'm back- posting some updates about the last few days. These are not copied from my journal, as that got a little too personal for my liking. I guess I'm probably going to go into more detail here.

 

Day 2 || 30.03.16

 

I ended up writing a whole page in my visualisation journal, writing a paragraph for each of these aspects of Rhys: his build, eyes, hair, and robotic arm. People say the hardest thing to visualise in a tulpa is the eyes, yet I found it rather easy? Considering two weeks ago, I couldn't even visualise anything in my mind's eye, I found this to be very easy. I chose to focus on these things- as clothes are easy to visualise, and could be changed at will- so do not need to be defined right now. That is not to say I was visualising him naked- when I actually visualised, my brain filled in the blanks, and he was wearing the correct clothes. So that was great. I managed to visualise Rhys sitting in a chair opposite to me, and laying next to me. Generally a good day visualisation wise.

 

Day 3 || 31.03.16

 

A very good day for narration and visualisation. From around 1am, I started constant narration for an hour. Talking about him, about me. Visualisation was good too. His image comes to mind easily now. During the day, I went to central London, and so it was very crowded and I lost focus a lot. However, while on the train, I could visualise Rhys in the chair opposite me, sitting. And when someone sat in that seat- he'd move to be in free space- generally holding onto something- like a handrail. The same thing happened on the bus. He waited for me outside the bus door when I got off. I narrated some songs to him. I also explained my other coping mechanism to him, which I call music time. It's essentially me walking back and forth for an hour, listening to music, essentially daydreaming and roleplaying with myself alone. It's weird. Generally a very productive day.

 

Day 4 || 1.04.16

 

Paranoia was getting to me. I ended up procrastinating too much, talking about Rhys to people, but not actually doing anything with him. I feel bad for it. Luckily, I have established that some of my closest friends, who are barely friends at all but still, are very supportive and understand my reasons in making a tulpa. They have even provided tips for grounding, meditation, visualisation, and said they'd fight anyone who tried to hurt me or him. I guess I was productive in the way of getting support. I did spend the day doing lots of things, unfortunately not tulpa related. I will work on more tomorrow.

 

Anyways, I have no idea when I'm going to update this next, or how often. I guess every three or four days, or if I have a lot to say. Maybe. Who knows. I hope tomorrow is a better day for forcing.

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Two days of little progress.

Unfortunately, my mental health got the better of me.

 

Day 5 || 02.04.16

 

Again, no progress was made. Today was a very bad day. I ended up losing all of my friends, including those supportive friends I mentioned the other day. It lead to a breakdown and me almost self harming and contemplating suicide by the time it hit midnight. I didn't want to hurt Rhys by interacting with him while I was like this. I feel bad for not making any progress in days, but I guess it's for the better.

 

Day 6 || 03.04.16

 

No progress again. Due to recovering from the incidents the day before. How do people usually cope with mental illness while making a tulpa? To be honest I can't even cope with my mentality anyways. I'm almost back on track. I know on Tuesday I'm going to be at a theme park all day. With traveling. On trains. Meaning visualisation and narration time. I guess tomorrow I'll do some more planning, and then get back into the swing of things on Tuesday.

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Keep at it! <3

[align=right]The songs carried on and began to grow long as the moon watched it all from above

And the old ripened berries and the juniper fairies delivered their gifts and their love.[/align]

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As someone who's had their mentality and emotions get on top of them twice, both times messing up the process and causing me to start over, i'm begging you to stay at it. I regret it, i regret not having the determination to make my tulpa, but this time around I am going to make it work. As for you, don't make the same mistake I did, okay? Force even when you are upset, because after all, doesn't that show Rhys you love him? Heck, it might even cheer you up in the process. However, i wouldn't vent to him or anything, i think you're right, it may have a poor effect on him. Best of luck, Phase.

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Oh my. People talking to me! That's going to boost my ego for a while probably. I know I'm posting twice in one day, but I love replying to people on forums. Reminds me of when I was twelve and happy.

 

Keep at it! <3

 

Thank you!

I appreciate it!

 

As someone who's had their mentality and emotions get on top of them twice, both times messing up the process and causing me to start over, i'm begging you to stay at it. I regret it, i regret not having the determination to make my tulpa, but this time around I am going to make it work. As for you, don't make the same mistake I did, okay? Force even when you are upset, because after all, doesn't that show Rhys you love him? Heck, it might even cheer you up in the process. However, i wouldn't vent to him or anything, i think you're right, it may have a poor effect on him. Best of luck, Phase.

 

Usually I would like to think I would force when upset. I was just too upset. To the point where I could not think straight. I didn't want to risk anything. Next time, I know for sure I am going to try forcing when upset. As long as I have a positive attitude towards it, even if I am upset, it should still be okay. Maybe.

 

I plan to do some planning later today (It's 2am right now oops.) And get back to forcing tomorrow. I have a long train journey, and so far my best forcing session was on a train. One hour on one train and one hour on another: it's plenty of time to force.

 

I wish you luck with your tulpa too. Stay determined. Do it for them. I'm sure they will appreciate everything you do, no matter how small! And it doesn't matter if you had past failures, as long as you keep trying everything will be okay! Ten minutes of progress is better than nothing. You can do it friend!

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Wicked interesting thread, I'm actually a big Borderlands fan. I've only played one and two, but your PR totally has me wanting to play Tales. Good luck with your progress dude.

We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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I am really good at replying to things oops.

 

Wicked interesting thread, I'm actually a big Borderlands fan. I've only played one and two, but your PR totally has me wanting to play Tales. Good luck with your progress dude.

 

Hello!! To be honest I got into Borderlands because of Tales, and ended up cashing out on all the other games AND dlc at once. And the legit reason was because I thought Rhys would be in those games. Oh what did I know. I'm still 100% glad I did it though!

 

Aa I read through your progress report! It's what inspired me to post here, to be honest? I wasn't originally going to post because I feared the heavy judgement but! Yeah!

 

Day 7 || 04.04.16

 

I was starting to feel really bad again, generally wanted to self harm again, but I started feeling head pressures and could feel Rhys with me. He's already comforting me, I guess. It's nice. Other than this, nothing really happened. Damn procrastination.

 

Tomorrow I will be going out all day to a theme park, and there is a long train journey. Due to having time on the train, and time I will be alone in queues, I will have a lot of time to narrate and force. Really looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I need to work out how I can manage forcing not at 1am. So far I've only been doing it really late because it's the only time I am alone. It's hard when you're paranoid that your own family member will see you doing weird things.

 

I wont be online at all tomorrow, but I should have a long post about

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Try some passive forcing as best as you can whenever you're with someone else, they'll never be able to tell the difference and you can always just play it off as being lost in thought or spacing if they do.

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I said I was going to update this today. Luckily instead of me talking about me not doing anything, some progress was made. Bless the invention of trains and headphones.

 

Try some passive forcing as best as you can whenever you're with someone else, they'll never be able to tell the difference and you can always just play it off as being lost in thought or spacing if they do.

 

I tried to do this. I find it hard to focus on more than one thing at once. So I have to choose whether to talk to Rhys or pay attention to who I'm with. I guess soon I'll be good at splitting my concentration, but it might take some practice. At least I know what I need to work with.

 

Day 8 || 07.04.16

 

As I said, today I was out for hours, from 9:30am to around 7:00pm. I spent approximately three hours on the train, and that time was spent narrating. I fell into the trap of only narrating music again, but I think it still worked. In the beginning, I did what I did before, sitting where there was an empty seat opposite so I could visualise Rhys sitting there, and begin narrating from there. I find it easy to see him, it takes seconds for his image to come to mind. Even the smaller details are starting to become clear. A few more sessions, and it should be one hundred percent done. Well, you never really stop, but the basics would be done.

 

So it came to the point where someone sat in that seat, and he got up again and went to stand by a handrail. This time I could actually tell he was walking there, instead of just the 'oh you're on the pole now' moment. It's like having a walking animation in a video game instead of instant teleportation. I'm probably going to be using a lot of video game similes, they help! Rhys was leaning on the handrail, right arm resting on the handrail, and his head resting on that. I don't see how that would be any more comfortable, it's not even a flesh arm he was resting on. It's the kind of weird thing Rhys would do.

 

After him standing for a few minutes, he kinda, jumped next to me. Now so far he's avoided being in the same place as someone else is, but he just kind of sat where my mother was and leaned on me. It's funny how this happened just as I was starting to feel anxious about being on the train. Perhaps it was him realising and comforting me. He seems to be doing that a lot. He leaned on me for most of that train journey.

 

When we had to change trains, I felt like he was holding my hand the whole way. But it was weird, because I was holding my phone to my chest with that hand, but it felt like my hand was to my side as well. Would it be okay to make that assumption to assume that my 'wonderland self' had their hand to their side and was holding Rhys'? (I know it's technically me, but I kind of want to describe the experiences as my 'normal self' and 'wonderland self' as there would be different kinds of things happening? I don't know. I'm new to all of this.)

 

On the next train, the seats were not facing each other, but in rows. So I couldn't really see any free chairs. Either way, Rhys sat next to me. About five minutes later he's leaning up against the train window and sitting on me. I kind of went into a semi-dissociative state; as I could feel myself moving and interacting with him but my body was as stiff as anything. I suppose I was visualising textures in this time? I don't know if that has a word, but I was holding his arm and could feel that it was cold and metallic, rather than the empty feeling I'd had up until now. I could feel the corners and edges. There is a notable difference between the many textures now. If I couldn't see him, and was holding random places, I could probably now tell what I was touching. I think during this time my 'wonderland self' was singing the songs to him, instead of me just narrating them.

 

For the majority of the day, I was rather distracted by the theme park rides and all. And the fact my mother was talking to me all day. Although whenever I could focus on Rhys, he was holding onto me in some form. I definitely think that this is his way of keeping me calm.

 

On the way home, similar things occurred. Except he pretty much sat across me on both trains instead of only one. Rhys is like a cat, he sits on everything and loves attention. I'm sure the fandom has drawn that at some point.

 

My mother wanted to go out and so she was getting off at another stop. Meaning when I got off, I had to walk home 'alone' in the dark through streets that are dirty and not so nice. Usually the kind of place you see in a movie where someone gets hurt. Rhys made sure I was calm and kept an arm on me at all times. When I got home, I think he probably went to rest, because I didn't feel him around once I was safe in bed. I like to think that this is what happened.

 

So that was what happened yesterday. Today I'm catching up with all of the stuff I missed off of my to-do list because of going out all day. This means I probably will maybe only design the main section of the wonderland today. Seeing as I set a goal to draw daily, I may as well do that. For now, I am planning to have one really cosy room that has the blanket fortress feel. Who doesn't like a whole room full of blankets, teddy bears and fairy lights. Apparently people put things into the wonderland to aid with sense sharing, like television screens and things. I plan to do something like that, but build the things into the design so it looks more normal and like the things are meant to be there, rather than 'oh there is a television in the desert' kind of feel.

 

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

Again thank you to anyone who is commenting here, I really love seeing support rather than the hate I was expecting!

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