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The Ping

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Mmmk, still not much to report from the last two sessions. I had a failed session last night that I'm not counting (started falling asleep, had to cut it before anything got done).

 

Yesterday midday, we watched more memories. That's about it. I narrated, she listened, got some emotional response.

 

This morning, I was on the couch when I came into wonderland. I walked upstairs, and Pez was still sleeping. I rubbed her back a little, and I accidentally woke her up. I asked her if she wanted to do anything, and she shook her head. I asked her if she just wanted to stay in bed for now, she nodded. So, I sat next to the bed and started narrating about some things that are coming up in my schedule. She started giving me a head message, which was unexpected. She's still not talking, which I'm thinking is more of a good sign than anything. I'm beginning to think all her previous talking was just parroting, so her NOT talking is a sign that I've given her full control over herself. Or something like that. Anyway, got a head message, then when she was done, I just crawled into bed beside her and "went to sleep" in wonderland. AKA: came out of visualization.

 

No, nothing lewd. Sorry all you Fedes of the world.

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And here I was bringing out my sword... Thanks a lot.

 

HAHAHA! My plot comes to fruition nicely!

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3 missed sessions? Yeah, about 3.

 

Here's the deal: shit's weird again. I'm going to feel like the fucking Xerxes of RP for typing this out, but here goes.

 

First 2 sessions, not a lot happened. Sat with Pez, watched some memories, I did the "emotion ball" technique (envisioning a ton of emotions as an orb and putting them in the tulpa.) I stuck to positive emotions, and put those in a nice glowing pink orb. Then I put the orb into Pez. Rinse and repeat about 4 times, and that's basically the first 2 sessions. Oh, I also repeated the doubt jars. This time there were about 10 jars, showing that when I clear my mind of these they just seem to come back. Whatever, I figured even a temporary solution was better than none at all, so I went with it. Some narration about what's coming up in the weekend, nothing really to report.

 

Anyway, those were the two kind of "bland" sessions since last post. This last session I just had, though, is where it gets fucking DnD or some shit.

 

So, I try to get into wonderland. Much to my dismay, every time I do, I start shaking like Haiti. Literally, it's like the instant I start thinking about being in the living room, I just start trembling, and my head even starts shaking a little. At first, I kind of figured it might be the music? I was kind of just shooting wildly for a solution. Anyway, I turn the music down, go back to trying to get to wonderland, and I just start trembling worse.

 

At this point, I'm kind of guessing that Pez is trying to keep me out or something, so I start talking. "Pez, it's ok. Let me in." Something to that effect. That works. But, instead of being in my usual wonderland, I'm outside of a door. I knock on the door, and ask Pez if I can come in. No answer. I say, "Alright, I'm coming in." Open the door, and Pez isn't there. Just this weird fog. Actually, more of a blackness. Anyway, I start shouting to try and find Pez, and my fears come out of the darkness. Yeah, I know, RP as hell. It gets better, just you wait.

 

When I say "my fears", I only say that because it's hard to really call it anything else. Some sort of humanoid figure, but it was constantly changing. One minute it had the face of some sort of demon with fangs, next it was Frank from Donnie Darko (I just watched the movie, so that kind of makes sense). It just kept changing like that. I yelled at it to let Pez go, and it sort of fell backwards, and the shadows retreated to show Pez balled up on the ground. I picked her up and teleported back to wonderland, in the living room. I started talking to Pez, and she just pointed behind me. Turn around, and I'm looking at Slenderman.

 

Are you ready for the most RP ever? So I look at Slenderman, and he starts talking. I'll spare you the conversation, because it was pretty damn cheesy. Let's just wrap it up all nice and pretty like this: Slenderman was just a sort of an ambassador for the rest of my fears. He told me I couldn't get rid of him. I said something akin to "Fuck you, this is my head, get out" and envisioned him becoming really tiny and stepping on him.

 

Well, obviously not asking you to think any of this was a legitimate tulpa making process. Here's the thing though: remember how I said that I was having trouble really fully trusting Pez? How I couldn't seem to get rid of those nagging doubts? Now I can. I guess I can't say that what I experienced wasn't RP at all with a straight face. It probably was. However, my mind seems to respond quite positively to symbolism. Maybe this little bout of RP worked well with me, because I symbolized destroying my fears about Pez.

 

How do I know it worked? Well, she's just more...sentient now. Also, her deviations are coming through. I can't see her form anymore. She's changing it. Every time she tried to before, I would try and force her back. She talks to me in a weird way. Can't really describe it. A little bit of, "I know without her saying," but she is saying. I'm just not hearing with a voice. Really impossible to explain. I'm sorry. I had to create a new wonderland. She wanted something beach front. Now she's in a tannish house by the sea. Kind of nice, really. Her personalities different now, too. She's a little bit bossy. That's ok, though; I have to admit I was trying to force her to be an airhead. I like her better with her added personality. So, there's that.

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Let the long walks on the beach, BEGIN!

 

No seriously, that's been the past 2 sessions. We walked on the beach, I told Pez about stuff, and she got a form.

 

Mmmk, so first session after my wonderful bout of RP, I asked Pez what her form was going to be. She said she'd decide while I slept. That's was Friday night. Unfortunately, on Saturday, many things had to happen. Family visiting, photos, watching the Olympics (go women's swim team! U-S-A, U-S-A!), etc. I didn't get a chance to force until night. When I did, Pez warned me I'd be surprised. I got into wonderland facing the beach. When I turned around, she was short, a little pudgy, and a brunette. So...yeah. Definitely different from what I was trying to force on her.

 

After that, like I said. Long walks on the beach galore! I still have a problem trying to narrate. I just get distracted easily, and I forget to do it. Really, it makes me feel quite stupid. Either way, I spent a lot of time playing catch up, narrating the stuff that happened that day. Pez is working on getting a voice. Actually, she pretty much has one. The problem is keeping it consistent. Sometimes, it falters, or comes through as some other voice. Well, it's actually more of a problem with me. I can't seem to focus on listening, kind of like with narrating. Maybe I have ADD? More on that later.

 

I like puppies.

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Cancer! Cancer!

 

There is a difference between cancer and overzealous patriotism. Although they do both seem to happen in old people a lot...

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Force some PEZ candy and give Pez some PEZ.

You said it. You just had to say it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although it would be highly amusing if she had chosen the form of a PEZ dispenser.

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I have returned from the flat lands of Kansas with an intense sunburn and a message: Unlike Denver, KC is pretty neat. Also, "Have a Schlitterrific day!" is the worst way to say goodbye I've ever seen.

 

3 missed sessions or so. I'm afraid I don't have much to report. I've been working on focusing on Pez, which is the problem I've been having with vocalization. She wants to talk, and does so quite easily. I don't always listen, though.

 

One exercise she actually thought of was to put a "tattoo" on the palm of my hand. The idea is that even though I'm not focusing on it actively most of the time, I have to know it's there. Hopefully, every time I catch a glimpse of the palm of my hand, the tattoo will be there. Eventually, the conscious effort of forcing a tattoo on my hand (I had to sit there and stare at it for a while until is stopped changing, and Pez is telling me I'll have to repeat that a few times) will become an unconscious reflex. That's where I want Pez to be. Instead of having to try to focus on her, it will be an unconscious response. Teaching my mind how to do that small scale first will lead to being able to do it with Pez. Hopefully.

 

On a side note, the tattoo is ONLY in wonderland. That is, until we start working on imposition. At that point, I'll try imposing the tattoo onto my hand first, until it becomes an unconscious response. Again, teaching my mind to do these things small scale, first.

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