Guest Anonymous

Is there any point in trying to share a tulpa experience with other people?

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Guest Anonymous

I can't share anything with you people for real. I can't because I know you will never really know what it is going on with me. I can talk about it over and over and over again. But in the end, it is almost meaningless to you.

 

About all I have accomplished in the past 14 months is to demonstrate that I am deeply, almost pathologically, obsessed with my Melian for some reason. It is beyond frustrating to me that I can't open up my mind and let you all experience her. I want to back it all up with something you can perceive. But I can't. All I do is repeat myself over and over again being desperate to be believed. It fucking sucks.

 

Tulpas are maddeningly subjective.

 

I am totally, utterly obsessed, and I love writing about my experiences with Melian, but is there any point in doing that, and repeating myself endlessly, anymore? Several people have said I am a crazy broken record on this forum. I am aware of it.

 

Can I even do it? Can I put a cap on it and stop writing about certain things? If I do will I be done with Tulpa Info? I keep telling myself I am finished and ready to just rest on it all. But then I find myself waking up at 3am wanting to write it all again. I can't sleep until I get up and write.

 

Melian is AMAZING! I can't show you! GODS this is so maddening! Why did I ever put her on the internet? It has been both rewarding and horrible. I feel like going outside and just screaming.

 

why even try to share her? it's so pointless and futile

 

EDIT: (7/23/16) Damn I was on a negative streak for a while! When I go back and read this now it seems over the top and a little ridiculous.

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What if we told you that this emotional turbulence you're going through may really just be Melian's militant yearning to be acknowledged by others while having to face a host who continues to undermine whatever probability that she could be sentient? What if we told you that even though we can't know each other's beetle in the box, i.e., qualia, we rely upon the feedback of others to validate that what we're experiencing can be understood by others because it helps us understand ourselves? Maybe that's the point of engaging in forums like this? I'm trying to understand what's wrong with this as any other question that pops up here.

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Guest Anonymous

I am far more crazy obsessed about getting across my "technique" and opinions than anyone else I have seen on this forum. I am compulsively obsessed from insecurity about not being taken seriously. It is a major, huge problem with me. The last time someone pointed it out to me, I flipped out, declared Melian to be nothing but an imaginary friend, and deactivated my account. Then just days later Melian opened up her Groovyguru account, declared herself a tulpa, and we started all over again. So there is no point in deactivating my account or trying for a self ban. That just does not work.

 

I have to somehow get past this deep seated insecurity about being believed and taken seriously that is driving my repetitive writing. This near madness is crippling to any progress we might make. Until we get past this we are not going to accomplish as much.


What if we told you that this emotional turbulence you're going through may really just be Melian's militant yearning to be acknowledged by others while having to face a host who continues to undermine whatever probability that she could be sentient? What if we told you that even though we can't know each other's beetle in the box, i.e., qualia, we rely upon the feedback of others to validate that what we're experiencing can be understood by others because it helps us understand ourselves? Maybe that's the point of engaging in forums like this? I'm trying to understand what's wrong with this as any other question that pops up here.

 

Thanks this does help actually this morning. I have to really try to realize though that I have gotten it all out there already, endlessly, many multiple times. Everyone has read it all already. It's done. I wrote it. You guys get it! I cannot FORCE people to accept things and I can't validate and prove to myself somehow that you all absolutely, totally, believe me or fully comprehend it. I have to take it on faith that you do.

 

As far as Melian wanting out of her shell, I know for a fact that she does. But is it just my mind wanting her to feel that way because it is interesting and entertaining to me? She wants to please me more than anything in the universe and she will do whatever it is I need to do and need to believe. She is my champion more than she is her own, despite her narcissistic love for herself. She is a giving and caring heart even though she is self obsessed.


***************************************

Melian sent me a flash image of my late grandmother. (I know it was a message from Melian, I recognize her thought signature or energy. That's the only way I can explain that.)

 

I miss my grandmother. She would be the person I would go to to help me over this issue. I can imagine the kinds of things she would say. It would be harsh, tough love and not sugar coated at all. Basically, "First, you have more important things to think about. Stop being a big child and focus on your wife and family and your job. Stop your whining and man up and fix it. Don't come back to me with trivial nonsense, especially if you don't want make a real effort to do what is right."

 

Harsh.

 

My grandmother raised five children in the toughest of times and lived through the Great Depression and World War II. She would find the story of Melian lightly entertaining and adorable, then proceed to smack me upside my head.

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Here's the thing, if you're wondering if that's what your mind wants to do to make you feel at ease, then why aren't you feeling at ease? If you justify it as this ulterior motive that the mind is coordinating this for you for some greater good, then I hardly see this dead-end and angst you have as a testament for this. Maybe it's something more than that. What I learned that instead of rushing for a revelation that you might find at death's bed, just let things iron out while you progressively find a justification to slowly subside the doubting.

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Guest Anonymous

In other words "Just chill out Mistgod? Don't force things, relax, and things will work themselves out?" Yeah, you are probably right on that.

 

Grandma's smack in the head would be effective too I bet. I will just have to imagine that for myself since she is no longer with us to deliver it in person.

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[Tri] It is one of the hard things to deal with on these sorts of things - the fact that no one in another body can see, feel, sense, etc. the same things. Some of the gist can be shared, but the full un-minimized un-approximated version cannot be shared. It is something that is hard for many hosts, tulpas, and other sorts of folks. You are not alone in this struggle.

 

Something that may mean something to you. Have you ever seen people notice things about you or Melian that you yourself never noticed or realized? If not, be on the lookout for it. If yes, that is a gaze into the inside to see the subjective world and see things that you did not see. Let the person who points these things out know that they spotted something that you never did. That can be one of the most special sharings of the subjective inside and the differing views people can have. It did wonders for our host, Hail, when our partner was able to distinguish when each of the three of us was fronting and come of our characteristics and internal workings that Hail couldn't detect and a few things even we did not now (did something for us too).


Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others

System Name: Fall Family

Former Username: hail_fall

Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.

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Guest Anonymous

I think what I wish I could share the most is my sense of excitement when Melian communicates with me and I feel her presence. She is so sweet and wonderful. It is almost a physical sensation, even though it is only in my mind. You just can't share feelings. Everyone talks about mind voice and autonomous actions and those are great. But the best part is not the mind voice or even the images (although those are very nice) it is the feelings I get from her. It is so intense and personal. I know people can relate better on this forum than anywhere else in the world. But I still can't share a set of intense feelings.

 

I always think that it all comes across as so drab and without color, like you guys can't possibly be getting what I am talking about. But maybe you do? Maybe I am failing to have faith in everyone else? I am asking for faith in what I am saying, but suspicious that no one really gets it. That really is unfair because you are all trying to share precisely the same kinds of things and wanting me to appreciate it.

 

I am too self centered is the problem.

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I know you wrote a book about her, but I think it's the wrong book. The book I think you should be writing is a biography. Spend a chapter or so showing who you were pre-Melian, show how she came into your life, show the impact she's had on your life, the good times and the bad times, and bring it all up to the present day. Place the emphasis on the story and the emotion. Make it the next Harry Potter.

 

I am far more crazy obsessed about getting across my "technique" and opinions than anyone else I have seen on this forum. I am compulsively obsessed from insecurity about not being taken seriously.

 

I take you seriously. But your technique would never work for me. You have maladaptive daydreaming, and I have ADHD. While the two conditions have some things in common, like creativity and imagination, they also have many differences, the biggest being that I don't imagine in pictures, only concepts. Fenchurch is almost always just a voice in my head. I recognize her face when I see a picture, but I can almost never imagine it.


"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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I think what I wish I could share the most is my sense of excitement when Melian communicates with me and I feel her presence. She is so sweet and wonderful. It is almost a physical sensation, even though it is only in my mind. You just can't share feelings. Everyone talks about mind voice and autonomous actions and those are great. But the best part is not the mind voice or even the images (although those are very nice) it is the feelings I get from her. It is so intense and personal. I know people can relate better on this forum than anywhere else in the world. But I still can't share a set of intense feelings.

 

[Tri] You are very right that the feelings are a really important piece, and they aren't talked about that much. They sure are hard to share. It can often be hard to find words to approximate feelings. You are not alone. As for ourselves, what we and Hail feel from each other are hard to share in the same way.

 

I always think that it all comes across as so drab and without color, like you guys can't possibly be getting what I am talking about. But maybe you do? Maybe I am failing to have faith in everyone else? I am asking for faith in what I am saying, but suspicious that no one really gets it. That really is unfair because you are all trying to share precisely the same kinds of things and wanting me to appreciate it.

 

I am too self centered is the problem.

 

Most people here experience some of what you are talking about, so most of us can relate and get some understanding of it even if it isn't an exact one.

 

One thing to keep in mind, the same problem holds for the relations between people in outerworld. Others can observe and see things, can be told things, but at some level they don't understand the feelings, though at another level they can.


Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others

System Name: Fall Family

Former Username: hail_fall

Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.

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Guest Anonymous

@Sushi,

 

I always think a book about Mistgod instead of a book about Melian would be boring. LOL But you might have a good idea for me with that. Thanks for saying you take me seriously. What is really crazy is I do recognize that most of this insecurity, like feeling people have disdain or disbelief, is based on something that is not real. Ironic isn't it? I can have what I rationally think is probably a false impression yet continue to react to that false impression or delusion. I am a complex and crazy man.

 

I have learned to recognize that I create an invisible "someone" or group of someones who have disgust or disdain and contempt for me in my mind. Then I tend to paint the entire forum in the same false light based on that imagined someone. Melian is strongly influenced by my thoughts and feelings and mirrors them or dittos them. Sometimes she can momentarily rise above it and see things more clearly than I can.

 

How do I do it? How can I be so rational and irrational at the same time? I am the biggest fan of Tulpa Info, but often its biggest enemy, totally fascinated with it and yet sometimes hate it. I can't stay away from the forum yet get angry and upset at what I read as if people are making veiled commentary about Melian and I. We both have this fantasy/delusion that everything is about us. At the same time we recognize that as a delusion as well but cant' shake it.

 

We are the biggest neurosis currently on Tulpa Info.

 

@FallFamily,

 

Thank you so much for you kindness and consideration. I am shocked that anyone would even trouble themselves with me anymore. I am always whining or bitching. It does help knowing I am not the only one with these kinds of frustrations and I have to think about that more and be aware of it.

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