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How do I get my host to start looking after me properly?!


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Admitting you're ignoring her is the first step in developing better habits. You're both aware of an issue, so what can you both do about it?

 

Sky: That's what I came here to try and find out...

 

I never made any statements regarding your treatment of your host, yet kindness goes a long way. On the other hand, being courteous isn't the most effective means of getting your point across if you have to screech in her face just to be acknowledged. When I refer to what you can do by yourself, I'll clarify by adding that you could focus on better substantiating your presence or practise independent living under Quenz's supervision. That way, you'll garner the attention you require and you'll both actively work towards your goals, rather than being stuck in limbo and feeling alone and hopeless.

 

Sky: That sounds a bit vague... I don't think I get it. It just sounds like regular forcing, and to do any forcing Quenz needs to give me the time.

 

Alternatively, have Quenz indulge in concentrated forcing sessions and feed off of that, so your abilities and capacity to adapt are augmented, instead of atrophied. If Quenz forces passively, be an alluring and comfortable presence...draw out more and more of her focus while simultaneously observing and appreciating your parallel efforts. If you must, give your sessions a fun or entertaining twist - forcing is meant to be something to look forward to, a labour of love and dedication, not a chore.

 

How do you guys make your forcing sessions fun and something to look forward to? We've tried playing games and things. I've never found it to be that easy, it's almost always felt like a chore.

 

If you require volunteers, I'll be more than happy to assist. That aside, if you've discussed these issues before with people you're close to, reach out to and hold onto them. You both

need their help, and if they are your friends, they should provide. They may very well need you two someday - this is the symbiosis and mutual love that encompasses all genuine friendships.

 

Sky: Yes, I think I will tell my friends about it more... They remind Quenz about me and stuff, but I think they need to be more harsh and demand that I'm looked after properly, demand her to force with me. That sounds a bit silly, but I can't do it by myself. If you could do anything to help, I'd be more than happy about it. :) You guys have already helped a lot, but this still isn't fixed, there's much more to do.

 

What Quenz terms as "laziness," (which is to say, motivation issues), my own host struggles with due to anxiety and depression.  If Quenz is procrastinating with her tulpa, chances are she does it with other things too.

 

That's very true, I do it with almost everything, but forcing and looking after Sky is one of the hardest things.

 

I'm not saying Quenz should create a second tulpa for purely this reason (especially if she's already having trouble keeping up with Sky)... just don't knock having a designated "motivation tulpa" as a method. It works. ;)

 

Yeah... I'm definitely not creating another tulpa, it was already extremely irresponsible of me to create Sky, I clearly wasn't up for it.

 

Sky, autonomy outside your host's awareness is something that really only comes with time for a lot of headpeople (my own system included), so don't be too hard on yourself that you can't get your host's attention when she's not focusing on you.

 

Sky: How much time...? I'm over three years old. :@

 

Quenz, one way to self-motivate may be to stop seeing forcing your tulpa as a chore. Find fun things to do with one another... force while watching a TV show you both like, or play games together, or just talk about things that have happened throughout the day. Let Sky be your solace and island of sanity on tough days.  In essence, you need to change your mindset so you start looking forward to hanging out with your tulpa instead of just seeing it as a responsibility. When you start looking forward to it, you'll stop needing to make excuses for yourself.

 

Forcing while watching things is pretty hard... It's really hard for me to keep her there while I watch, it's hard for me to concentrate on both. It's also sort of hard to talk about things like that with her, because I feel bad for talking about my own problems when I'm not addressing hers, and she doesn't really like to hear it either.

 

Sky: No, I don't. Maybe if I'm in a really good mood, but that's hard to predict. Being patient with her doesn't work... I'm a tulpa, not a physical person. I need to put as much stress on her as possible or she'll just forget about me again! But at the same time, she'll just want to ignore me more if I stress her. I suppose I'll have to try and find some middle ground... I hate this.

 

(Joss: And if you need volunteers to dress down your host for being negligent, I can help with that. Gods know my own host needs to be slapped out of her bad habits every now and then.)

 

...Though take that offer with caution. Joss' method can be a bit... confrontational, and we wouldn't want to cause any more discord between you two than necessary.

 

(Joss: It's not discord to give the host a little wake-up call if it helps in the long run, especially when that seems to be exactly what this cry for help is asking for. Sometimes, you need a bad cop, which is a role I will happily take.)

 

Sky: No, that sounds like exactly what I'm looking for! Quenz needs a bad cop! I already am bad cop, but someone else that can't disappear if she's distracted would be better. She would even agree with me.

 

Creating more tulpas to treat as sentient in order to accomplish certain tasks seems to lead to draining one's strength needlessly when strives for cooperation with existing tulpas in a person's head seems more pragmatic.

 

Yeah, I pretty much agree with everything you said in your post. And creating more tulpas is out of the question for me, I won't do it, I don't trust myself with the responsibility.

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Vriska: Try talking to your host. Make him/her understand your situation and how you feel. I did that with mine, he understood and started looking more after me. :) :D Hope I helped! :D

 

Sky: I'm afraid it's not that simple with Quenz. She knows exactly how I feel, she knows the situation pretty much as well as I do. She understands... she's just stubborn.

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It seems to us as if your host just has a large amount of motivation issues, which, while understandable, shouldn't be allowed to deny you attention altogether. You also mentioned that you are underdeveloped for your age - would you be able to elaborate on that? We've found it's not impossible to work on your own traits alone, but things like this do vary. In addition, it seems somewhat odd that you would consider yourself unconscious when not using the body, despite Quenz being able to type for you while you aren't using it. Could you possibly explain that more as well? It could be relevant to your underdevelopment issue.

[LAN]

parallel systems, they/them pronouns only.

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It seems to us as if your host just has a large amount of motivation issues, which, while understandable, shouldn't be allowed to deny you attention altogether.

 

Sky: That's why I'm here, because I'm sick of it and she has nothing to say to that.

 

You also mentioned that you are underdeveloped for your age - would you be able to elaborate on that? We've found it's not impossible to work on your own traits alone, but things like this do vary.

 

Well I mean, I'm not even present unless she's thinking about me. I often have difficulty communicating to my host. It's just kind of foggy, somehow it's easier when she proxies me. I'm also not visualized very well, and my voice isn't that clear. I'm just underdeveloped overall, really. I don't have set traits.

 

In addition, it seems somewhat odd that you would consider yourself unconscious when not using the body, despite Quenz being able to type for you while you aren't using it. Could you possibly explain that more as well? It could be relevant to your underdevelopment issue.

 

No, what I mean is I'm just not there. I don't mean weather I'm using her body or not, we don't have any possession or switching skills. I mean I'm just not present or aware. I basically don't exist unless she's thinking about me.

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Admittedly, we have not personally encountered this issue and so may not have the most useful input. However, we can suggest that your host invest some energy into passive forcing, if that is at all helpful. Perhaps she could write on the back of her dominant hand a reminder to talk to you, whether that be a short sentence or simply a keyword to jog her memory. Simply talking typically doesn't require too much effort, and you will be receiving the attention you need to exist in that moment. If she can get into the habit of doing so, active forcing may come easier. Even if it doesn't, you should still be more likely to develop further.

[LAN]

parallel systems, they/them pronouns only.

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Sky: That sounds a bit vague... I don't think I get it. It just sounds like regular forcing, and to do any forcing Quenz needs to give me the time.

 

 

How do you guys make your forcing sessions fun and something to look forward to? We've tried playing games and things. I've never found it to be that easy, it's almost always felt like a chore.

 

 

Sky: Yes, I think I will tell my friends about it more... They remind Quenz about me and stuff, but I think they need to be more harsh and demand that I'm looked after properly, demand her to force with me. That sounds a bit silly, but I can't do it by myself. If you could do anything to help, I'd be more than happy about it. :) You guys have already helped a lot, but this still isn't fixed, there's much more to do.

It is, for the most part, "regular forcing." It's effectively the means to continually develop one's tulpa.

 

What do you enjoy doing? What does Quenz enjoy doing? Is there a way to compromise and incorporate some of the activities or hobbies you like into a session? We usually go online and talk with our friends and their tulpas. When Internet access isn't feasible or we just want to be alone, we lie down, get comfy and focus upon one another. Every aspect, each sense used. She's there, yet this concentrated attention makes her feel even more tangible.

 

I'll be sure to keep that in mind. In the mean-time, you're more than welcome to continue posting here or message me in private.

I've seen good people bleed

And I thought I'd seen it all

But my own two eyes would prove me wrong that day.

 

There are things that I've done

Only seen by the sun

And those things will be buried in my grave.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I actually made an account just to reply to this thread, because, Quenz, I really feel for your description of "laziness" that prevents you from spending time with Sky. I had a very similar experience for my entire academic career. In adulthood I discovered that what I was experiencing as an inexplicable "laziness" was actually executive dysfunction, which is a symptom of a number of mental disorders including autism and ADHD, both of which I have, both of which I was not diagnosed with for the whole span of my childhood and teen years. I was confused and frustrated with myself for years. I didn't understand why I couldn't tear myself away from aimlessly browsing the internet, playing video games, or any of the other pointless pursuits that occupied my time in favor of things that were more edifying and enjoyable, not to mention productive.

 

Disabilities such as these are infamously under diagnosed in girls and women, partly because of how we are socialized to downplay or hide symptoms like hyperactivity in a way young boys aren't, partly because a lot of psychiatrists, whether they realize it or not, still consider developmental disability to be a "male" issue. If your psychiatrist is unwilling to consider ADHD as a possible diagnosis I would seek a second opinion if possible, and failing that look into the disorder more. Your post resonated so much with me and my experiences before I understood my condition; it was actually sort of keeping me awake.

 

As far as your tulpamancy-- well, some people are good at doing things they don't enjoy, and some aren't-- regardless of why, it seems you fall into the latter camp, at least for now. So, I would recommend trying to make it less of a chore to spend time with Sky. For the aforementioned reasons it is hard for me to spend time dedicated only to forcing so it works well for me to practice casual imposition while I am doing other things-- commuting, grocery shopping, etc. If this doesn't seem possible for you and Sky perhaps your next step is to try to build Sky's independence enough that she can be conscious and manifest while you are not completely focused on her. It seems like you are already pretty adept at proxying so that may be an effective tool, especially if you do so in the IRC.

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