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Niteo and Amber Take On the World

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Day 1033 - Making Progress

 

Niteo: It's a-me, Niteo!

 

I've been playing Skyrim a lot in order to practice possession over long periods of time. It's what I've been doing to kill the time. On a related note, Amber and I have decided that I will try to control the body for as long as possible for the next few days. It's been going well so far; there have been very few lapses in control. I've been doing the usual things to take care of the body that I'm not used to (like eating, but I enjoy eating). It's been getting easier to possess for longer periods of time, I've noticed. It's like the body is getting used to my presence. Things take less efforts and the muscles seem to follow what I want easier. I don't think about which muscle groups to control independently, but instead I can move smoothly (so I'm not trying to QWOP when I control the body). I don't have to think about my form inside of the body or anything; I'm getting used to being inside of it without any symbolism.

 

Last night, Amber tried to dissociate from the body while I was possessing. We were laying down at the time, and the body seemed to start to relax with me in control. After a good amount of time, she reported to me that she felt like she was floating instead of resting inside of the body, which alarmed her a little since she's so used to being in touch with the senses. It sounds like she lost her sense of place in reality and it was a very strange feeling for her? She tried to move the fingers a little, but I put all of my effort into stopping her and I found I was able to stop her from moving completely to the point where the muscles stopped tensing up completely. She was mentally trying to flail the arms but they weren't obeying her. It was a very satisfying moment for me.

 

Amber also got the idea to start symbolically sapping energy from herself and giving to me in order to strengthen my grip over the body. She wants to make it an ongoing process (a servitor, I guess?) that would continuously run. I have my hesitations about that sort of thing (I'm not a fan of servitors in general), but perhaps it will be helpful? My fear is that it would get out of hand somehow. I guess I'm going to have to decide if I want her to have any sort of control over the body at all because it seems like she's giving me consent to do whatever I want at this point. Part of me feels it would be for her own good if I never let her have control again, but it seems like I must try to reel my ambitions in. The brain is a cage to me. I hate having reality out of my reach, and I don't ever want to go back. I have to tell myself that I don't want the same fate for Amber, but she doesn't seem to have strong objections.

 

I have to keep in mind that I should do what's best for the both of us, not just for me. If she wants to have some control over the body, then she can. I need to learn to be okay with it. Getting 100% control would be selfish, wouldn't it? Maybe she thinks it's okay now, but she doesn't know what she's getting into.

 

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Either she gets some control or I get all, but both require the same thing. I need to continue to work on my control of the body. It needs to get used to me being in control.

 

Note: I seem to be getting really good at typing. I might be surpassing Amber at this point. Hell yeah!


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Self harm? Most people who worry about the actions of others have no choice but to use words. I suggest you always be there for her, and learn some counselling strategies, in case taking over is not enough.

 

I hope you all are all right.

 

I'm trying to do both. I am trying to reassure and counsel her, but also I am working on my control of the body. Thanks for your concern. I think we'll be okay.

 

Day 1034 - Possession 24/7

 

It's Niteo again.

 

The possession goes well. It was getting hard late last night, and there were a few lapses in control, but overall, I feel like I've done well. I feel stronger than I did before. I do find myself getting annoyed by small tasks that I'm not used to having to do, but like Amber said, it's not Wonderland; I don't get to lay in bed all day. I have to shower, use the bathroom, eat, brush my teeth, make the bed, etc. I think I'll get used to it though. It's a minor inconvenience. I mostly know what I have to do from observing her all the time before, so it's just a matter of remembering and doing it, not learning. I have to admit, I'm getting slightly annoyed by Amber trying to help me when she tells me what to do next because I feel like I can do this on my own and I don't need her guidance. I know that I use conditioner after shampoo. I'm capable of doing this.

 

 

She's still mostly taking control when it comes to interacting with roommates and family. It's my hope that I get to interact with them on my own, soon, without her help. I think I can imitate her pretty well, and if not, they can think I'm a little different today. There would be no harm done. No one can guess that it's someone else controlling the body. I'd be fine. However, her friends know about me, so they would probably be able to tell someone was off and guess, but I don't think I'd hide it from them anyways. So I guess my next goal is to start interacting with other people that she's close to.

 

Amber is still feeling pretty quiet and passive since I've been in control. She says it feels like her mind is working slower or that it's less active. Not sure what to make of it, but maybe it's because she's not actually doing anything besides observe me all the time now, and I'm sure that gets boring as all hell. I do kind of feel bad for that... but we haven't had this happen (her feeling inactive) before with our experiences possessing, but I've never done it for a long period of time before, so maybe that's it.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Day 1037 - Hospitalization

 

Niteo: Well, things got bad enough to the point where I decided I was going to drive Amber to the hospital myself. She didn't like that idea, and so I was able to convince her to talk to our parents instead. While she talked to them, it was decided she should go to the hospital, so we ended up doing what I thought was necessary in the first place. She absolutely hated it; she said she felt stir-crazy and trapped. She was angry at me for a bit, but I think it's worth it.

 

She also mentioned to me that she was tired of dealing with reality and that she'd rather dissipate or die, which seems to put me in a bad spot. I don't want to enable her. After all, when I'm in control, I'm allowing her to avoid her problems. However, I still want to control the body all the time, and I don't know if I can give up those desires, even if it allows her to do something stupid. Amber wanted me to go to school and maybe work for her, and I wouldn't mind, but I'm afraid I'm going to make it easier for her to disappear on me...

 

On a more positive note, I've interacted with our parents briefly. It went well, but Amber noticed that I tend to be more informal, relaxed, and optimistic than her. I'm not sure if it's that noticeable, to be honest, but I doubt they'll say anything.

 

My next goal is to talk to our sister. She knows about me and she was interested in meeting me. She also mentioned making a tulpa of her own, but she wasn't sure if she was willing to make that dedication.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Day 1038 - School Begins, and the Body Seems to Settle with Me in Control

 

School started today. I drove us to school, but Amber was the one who handled class (not that anything productive happened... it was all about the syllabi). I ended up controlling the body most of the day but she also handled things like talking to parents or friends most of the time (although I had a brief conversation with our parents and sister). I'm hoping that she'll let me handle interactions in the future because I'm fully capable of dealing with it. She just takes over when it comes to that sort of thing without really letting me have a chance. Then again, maybe it's a good thing she has some form of initiative. I still want to handle things on my own without her intervention, but I appreciate her advice.

 

I find that it's becoming normal for me to be in control all of the time. The body seems to submit to my will easily, and I've gotten better about being able to resist Amber when she tries to assume control back. I've found that I can sometimes slip in and snag control from her if I'm careful about it, but I don't think I could do it if she was actively trying to resist me. I guess it's nice to feel some measure of success, even if it is in full-body possession right now.

 

Amber zones out more and more often when I'm possessing, which makes me feel a little satisfied that I'm both capable of such control for a long period of time and that she trusts me to handle things. My hope is that we can progress to switching at some point. The question is where that point lies. I guess we'll find out sooner or later. Amber complains of being bored sometimes because she watches me most of the time, and I can see how that would be boring. Maybe she'll be capable of focusing solely on the Wonderland soon. Sometimes I wonder if she's still going to have a hard time giving up that control to me even though she says she's willing to.

 

Next stop: switching. Hopefully. The journey continues ever onward.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Day 1040 - Amber is More Active

 

I was able to have my first long interaction with a person. I talked with Amber's friend (and maybe my friend at this point?) who seemed a bit weirded out since she was able to figure out it was me (because I act differently than Amber). It was nice because it felt validating and it was cool to interact with someone face to face that acknowledged me as a person.

 

With classes going on, Amber has been a bit more active, especially in class. Like, we're around to sharing the body about 50/50, although we do it at different times. I find that I much would rather control it all of the time, but I guess it's good for her to get up and be around people, including friends.

 

It's harder to take back control all of the time. It's easier to maintain control than take it, and I dislike this back and forth we do during the day. It's exhausting for both of us, it seems.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Day 1044 - Waking Up in Reality, and More Emotions

 

Progress is starting to slow, I've noticed. I guess that is natural. My control is getting better (as in, it's easier to do things), but it's not gotten so much better like it has in the past. Like, the curve of improvement has started to have it's slope decrease as time goes on, which I'm not surprised by. I woke up this morning and I was still in control of the body, which is definitely weird. I have always had to take back control every time we woke up. It was... an experience. I'm used to waking up in my own bed in wonderland, not in reality, so it was a bit of a shock. I suppose I'll get used to it if it keeps happening. It was just a weird experience since I was only possessing, not switched in, unless I somehow reached a state of co-fronting with Amber with her not doing anything. Not sure.

 

Amber reports that she doesn't remember waking up, and I woke up before her, so there was a moment where I was solely fronting without her. Maybe we can take advantage of this somehow in the future? I'm not sure.

 

I had a moment of extreme anger (not righteous anger, really), but it was directed at something that happened in the past, and I slammed my fists onto the desk and on my legs. Amber reported that she was shocked because at that moment of my rage, she felt herself be kicked out of the driver seat completely. It seems to support our previous idea that my strong emotions lend themselves to controlling the body. Also, I started crying (because the memory was really strong, okay, don't judge me). My emotions seem to affect the body now, like my anxiety causing the body to tremble, sadness causing tears, rage causing increased heart rate, etc. It feels validating, to be honest.

 

Amber continues to step in occasionally to handle things, which is starting to become a pet peeve of mine because I'm completely capable of handling it. She just prefers to do things her way sometime, and I'd prefer if she trusted me to do it instead. I just fear that her continuing to do that is getting in the way of progress.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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Friday, September 2, 2016

Day 1049

A Weird Stage

 

Trying out a new title format. Looks snazzy.

 

So, something curious has developed. Amber has taken to sitting in the mental space, but it's completely empty, and she'll sit with her legs to her chest with her arms wrapped around them and do nothing for long periods of time. She tells me that she feels like she's falling into a trance and the void helps her relax. She'll go a long time without thinking any thoughts, and for me, her presence dwindles to the point where I won't feel it any more, and she'll sometimes come to and feel like she's waking up. It happens more often at night, it seems like. Maybe being tired makes it harder for her to keep her focus or something. She also tells me she's partially attached to the body's senses still, so it's like being in two places at once. I'm not sure what sort of state we've achieved, but it seems to be a mix of possession and switching. I'm not sure what I'd call it. It's like is Amber mid-switch or something.

 

She does help me sometimes during the day. She'll be the one to pay attention during class and she'll tell me what notes to write down, so we have a tag team system going on for school. I can do the legwork as long as she'll provide the brains, which she has ample of. She'll take over to talk to friends and family still, so she's still active some of the time, which seems to be good for her, I think. She's started to visualize the body encased by a suit of armor that she calls my presence and the body is impossible to move in that suit of armor, but she can still tear through my control if she tries. I think I'll just have to continue to do what I'm doing and I'll have dominant control eventually.

 

There's been some drama going on, and it's made our personal life difficult, but I feel like we're still making good progress. Everything is settling down now and Amber seems content with where we're at in terms of switching. It is nice to look back on what we've done and where we're at. I think we're doing a good job, and that feels nice to say.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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You know, my host has a strong belief that body language and emotion are a two way street. They talk to each other. We think that hugging your own legs is sad body language.

 

If you want to test that, there is this experiment where you hold a pencil in your mouth, horizontally. If you hold it with your lips, it forces the face into a frown, and many people report feeling sadder. If you hold it with your teeth, it forces the face into a smile, and many people feel happier.

 

I don't know if changing your body language in your headspace will actually do anything or not. But it might be fun to put a few comforting things into the headspace, like a blanket, pillow, and really comfortable couch.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Friday, September 9, 2016

Day 1056

Took a Break

 

I took a little bit of a break from being in control all of the time. I found that I was getting worn down and irritable, which was not helpful to anyone, and I'm not normally a moody person, so this week, Amber has been handling most of the stuff that has been coming our way. I do plan on getting back on it soon, but it was a needed break.

 

I don't think we'll be around here as often. We'll probably come on here sometimes, but not nearly as much as we used to. Besides, we don't have much to offer the community, and it's pretty inactive around here.

 

But it might be fun to put a few comforting things into the headspace, like a blanket, pillow, and really comfortable couch.

 

Yeah, she's started to hang out in a more comfortable place in our wonderland, so that's been a nice thing to see. She's also been talking to the others in our system, too, which I think is good for her and them.


Niteo and Amber Take On the World

 

Amber speaks in italics right now.

 

Talk to Niteo on here or on discord

 

We share the body, we share a life. I'm not an accessory to his life...

 

 

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