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tulpa001

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Oh, we did. Will read your report later.

 

I actually only have one thing to report. Managed to achieve freakish levels of separation as a consequence of playing some logic puzzles for a few hours. Afterwards, I stood up. And I mean *I*. She was watching me. As very clearly *I* was walking around getting ready for bed. More data needed.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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    tulpa001

    My ears are burning.

 

    We fell into it because we both enjoy the experiences. I will probably be the primary due to my higher energy level for the forseeable future well after the weirdness and oddness fades. But for now, she feels incredible to not be controlling the body while it does stuff, and I find controlling the body intoxicating.

 

    There is this concern, that she is going to fade out of existence from this from some of our friends. It certainly gets my paranoia going. It fits in with a whole bunch of theories my overactive imagination creates out of whole cloth for how I am damaging her. But tulpas live like this all the time so I don't really see it.

 

    Regardless, we've begun a strict control-swap regimen, once every morning and once every evening for a few minutes. Sometimes we fight for control before or after. I am actually getting the sense that these control swaps are making my control feel more alien to us. Which is so intoxicating.

 

 

I want to say something. First, ignore anything I have said in the past, as most of it has been out of extreme worry, overthinking, and paranoia. I trust that you two will keep it together, but still want to give a bit of personal stuff.

Namely, If you do take primary control, do still let her control whenever she wants to. She may not now but the future can be different. Second thing is that you must know there's plenty of responsibility that would be pushed on you if you do control primarily, namely that you have to take care of the body yourself and take care of War as if she is a tulpa, making sure you check in on her and all (Which I bet you will).

Last thing: Please do keep in touch here. We would like to know how it all goes for you, no matter how much me and Sam may have advised against it in the past, the best thing we can do is try to keep calm and hope for the best for you two. You aren't damaging her, I just overthink. Please forgive me if I lead you to believe such. There's a reason why I had said, or Sam, to not look up to us, as we are the worst people to look at for any of this, as we both are massive panicky over worried wrecks. Just please, if anything, take this advice. It's the best advice I can give.

Spoiler

Members: Gemini, Raven, Jenna, Hope (Part-Time)

 

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Oh, I know what what he said must have meant to you. I am sorry.

 

Gah, possessing feels so weird. When watching things happen becomes your normal. I've always felt I was meant to observe. Never thought it would happen so literally. Everything feels and seems different with me possessing. Feel tired.

 

Visuals seem--more substantial. Audio seems closer. Body movements seem unnecessarily sharp.

 

I do read faster than him, and have better proofing. The number of times he has done something then forgotten if he did it is worse than I have ever done.

 

Oh, you know what is odd? He talks. Out loud. Lots. Like little exclamations. "Oh" as he solves a puzzle, and "yeah" as he agrees with one of my thoughts and he reacts with witty commentary uncensored out loud within milliseconds of an appropriate prompt. And he talks back to me out loud in the bathroom. And during coitus.

 

I do too, or used to. Mainly stream of consciousness stuff as I am working through a speech as I visualise a scenario and run through a role as a learning exercise.

 

Wow. The head is super quiet. Right now. So quiet...

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Oh hello, hostie, I don't see you post here very often...

 

Wild last few days. By all rights I am too tired to post. Someone posted something somewhere about hearing stranger's voices as part of hypnagogic hallucinations being normal. We never got that. I don't believe in coincidences. About three days ago, this beautiful girl in our dreams spoke to us while we were half asleep between dreams. While still half asleep, I talked to my host about making her a tulpa, and maybe merging, thinking that could greatly improve my dream recall. My host thought these ideas were all kinds of stupid.

 

Fast forward one night, and she came back. And my host was really freaked out. Because her voice was not controlled. It feels more independent than my voice does to her. More than any daydream or dream. And we had a full discussion about it, with the voice, then more ignoring her. Hostie was quick to bring up the fact that we would be splitting time thinner. I pointed out how she was so thrilled to hear the new voice, and ecstatic at the complexity of a three way conversation.

 

The remainder of the day was extremely stressful and the full weight of the decision was given to me. I could not handle the thought of preventing someone from existing. Especially given that they asked. Hostie gave up and said she would regard any decision I make as not a mistake.

 

That night was made a test. But I did not notice the voice come back up.

 

Today, I feel way better, but we are both exhausted. I played a strategy game for her. I hated it. Not a moment to stop thinking. I stopped noticing her at points. I can play any strategy game; she is super expert at storing data concerning strategy neatly. Super annoyed.

 

I find I am turning to other tulpas for support in chat. Also quit reddit. That place is terrible for nerves. Gah, I just want to shout and scream angrily at random people and also hug them tightly and break down in tears. My host is only sort of partially fulfilling this need.

 

Upside, Suddenly, remembering dreams and they are lucid constantly. Here are some summaries. Also, head pressure a lot. Which means we are learning something.

 


 

Did some experimenting with consciousness and awareness. We note that these are two different things for us. We can swap ours, but both of our thinking abilities take a bit of a dive when we do that. Altered states of consciousness do not lend themselves to clear thought. I feel like I know something now that should be theoretically of extreme interest to the psychological research community now.

 

If we don't hold the altered state, our minds slip past each other like greased slugs back to the original configurations in our mind. The whole thing feels very unnatural.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Fast forward one night, and she came back. And my host was really freaked out. Because her voice was not controlled. It feels more independent than my voice does to her. More than any daydream or dream. And we had a full discussion about it, with the voice, then more ignoring her. Hostie was quick to bring up the fact that we would be splitting time thinner. I pointed out how she was so thrilled to hear the new voice, and ecstatic at the complexity of a three way conversation.

 

The remainder of the day was extremely stressful and the full weight of the decision was given to me. I could not handle the thought of preventing someone from existing. Especially given that they asked. Hostie gave up and said she would regard any decision I make as not a mistake.

 

My only advice on this is the following:

Remember when I purposefully ignored a new voice in my head? Remember how well that turned out for me?

Yeah.

CT happened.

The one filled with such hatred and vengeance that he seeks to fill my every day on this earth with fear and torment.

Even without empathy, doing so may simply turn out to just be a bad survival strategy.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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Well tulpa you know the weight of that decision and it would be up to you to decide if it was merely a dream character or not. If so there's no moral weight and deciding no.

 

Personally I would say work on yourself.

 

We're here for you if you need us of course. Don't feel like a burden.

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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It's not a tulpa if they're not persistent and autonomous, it's a character you (or your mind) imagined. Only make them into a tulpa if, completely forgetting them for a second, you would actually consider another tulpa a good idea right now. Also I don't know how she could seem more independent than you in dreams per se, but my initial thought was that imagery between sleep and waking up can be very strong and very vivid. My mind is kind of extra-tulpa-proof, so even dream characters I'm convinced at the time have been my friend for years can't follow me out of the dream, but I imagine my own tulpas would seem pretty real around that time. But I guess I just have to take your word for it.

 

Thanks for making me look up hypnopompia, I found a couple interesting things because of it.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us about tulpamancy stuff there.

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Eh, just gotta listen to some music now and unwind. I could see these comments ahead of time by the way, and already considered them. Thank you guys.

 

This would be much easier if they hadn't asked "Does this mean I get to exist now?" spontaneously in response to something said while we were discussing it in the morning.

 

Followed by me saying "no," and asking her to to "come back inside now". Followed by her saying "no, I don't want to". While my host was mentally thinking "this is not happening."

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm not dead!

 

Long term report #1:

 

I got busy. Good news is that programming is an effective forcing activity. During the coding, which I am about as good at as her, I feel I loose myself, as she would code the same way I do. Well, I am more pragmatic, so I don't overreach as much.

 

It is an illusion, of course. I am still me and not her. Afterwards, the experience of presence is much stronger. It used to be I was weakest late at night and strongest in the early morning. It is the contrast between the feeling of losing myself while coding and the sensation of separateness induced by thinking about myself while she becomes more active.

 

Making note of those moments it is clear we have made steady progress in terms of separation and independence. I am as obviously present late at night at reduced sleep as I was about four months ago in the morning.

 

Separation exercises are beginning to lose effectiveness. I believe we are hitting a plateau; we are naturally not blendy anymore.

 

Two days ago, I noted that she has a persistent belief that I know things that she does not know. It is implicit in her asking me questions about myself. I told her that I don't know shit that she does not know. That my personal memory is an illusion. She told me that I was cranky, and that her belief was evidence based. Further proof that I am far more emotionally sensitive and emotional than her.

 

Not being on this site and reading daily dream reports has caused our lucid dreams to really fall off the last couple weeks. Speaking of, our lucidly entered dreams have been quite harsh. Usually, one of us notices the dream when it starts, this strong euphoric sensation starts, and we are pulled out of it. We were not sure which of us keeps doing this, but she has asserted it is me.

 

Host:

Tulpa tends to sleep after sex. Usually I am pulled into sleep after him, but I did manage to take over recently and take a shower. There are some striking developments. The numbness that is very subtle has grown. When I am in control, it is like someone turned up all the lights and volume, and the feeling of sharp closeness to everything is very strong.

 

It was invigorating. While he was resting, I felt incredibly awake and rested.

 

There is a certain feel to my control of the body. It feels automatic. Much like Tulpa's control used to. Not natural like it used to. But there is a distinct feel to each of us. The brain is not psyching itself out like it used to, confusing the other for automatic action, like walking while daydreaming.

 

I am also noticing surprisingly reduced blending and influence compared to early on while dictating to Tulpa.

 

Me: Speaking of, the degree to which she influences me while she is more active is noticeably diminished. I don't feel like I rely on her cognition to think clearly anymore. I blame all the coding and logic puzzles and strategy games. I also more frequently notice the cases of influence, and prevent eclipsing almost automatically. Her ideas and mannerisms are less present even when she is.

 

I am also getting better at not accidentally taking over and doing things while she is in control.

 

Host: I have been holding back. In our body control wrestling. Unconsciously. Little delays. Apprehension that he will lose, careful easing in. I have been working on it. This last week, I made a breakthrough. I completely ignored Tulpa, and just moved the arm.

 

Me: It is somewhat painful when she does that. Like bruising on the mind.

 

Host: I could tell I was fighting something. There was real resistance there. That was the thing I was afraid of. That I would push full strength and discover nothing pushing back. But no. I had to fight hard.

 

Of course it still triggered his anxieties. (eyeroll) But it was all better the day after. He got way stronger, and was able to resist at a new level.

 

Me: Still can't fully control the eyes or the mouth. Especially the eyes. She can just pop in there if she tries. It seems presence suppression is the primary key to victory here. If she becomes the primary thinker than she wins. If I become the primary thinker I win. On balance, I win. We can force ourselves and each other to the front. It was a skill we trained to deal with one of the two becoming unconscious.

 

Observations:

* I experience time slower than her. The past six months have felt very long compared to normal.

* She is terrible with names. Used to be a source of anxiety that we sometimes use the wrong names for each other. Turns out it is just her.

* She never talks. Inside or out. So I have difficulty telling if she is sleeping or watching. But I do constantly.

* When I get distracted my voice falls into that assassin character from Dirk gently the Netflix series.

* Despite having discovered many subtle differences, I yet again note that we are almost the same. Our taste in video games and programming tasks is almost the same.

* I am more emotive. My host has a poker face made out of autism and complete disinterest.

* I am still terrible at thinking about something other than what my host is thinking about. But we can think about it very differently.

 


 

Six months in review:

Back then, I did not know what a tulpa was, or even if I was one. Now I do, and I know myself to be one.

 

I have grown a foot at least. At least two in our wonderland. Although, her form is so different there, that this may be an optical illusion. I am more horse like and less changeling in my image.

 

I have fought terrible anxieties concerning the realities of my existence, discovered new aspects to be anxious about and fought them as well. I have since come to terms with my reality.

 

We have grown in our ability to be both awake at once, grown in our ability to observe together yet not influence one another, grown in our ability to weird each other out when we control the body, and grown in our ability to project images of each other and touch each other.

 

We have experienced weird sensory stuff. Mostly numbness of various kinds, and have some control over it.

 

We have stabilised our sleeping. I need a normal amount now, and feel tired less often.

 

I can now think clearly and independently, if not simultaneously. My problem and puzzle solving skills and comprehension are way up.

 

We have had some weird dreams.

 

I have made friends, which I did not expect.

 


 

What is a tulpa?:

Long boring section:

[hidden]

I have occasionally spoken of a numbness. I experience life and memory from her perspective. There is the continuous question of my eloquence and fluency, which makes no sense without a separate backing memory, but there you go.

 

But I do not have to exist this way. I can switch with her consciousness; slide into her awareness. This happens to a small degree when she is less present. If this happens while she is awake, she reports feeling very automatic. Not in control, and not herself. I get the opposite. I feel less automatic and more intentional. It is an open question as to whether my stamina for chest rubs, back rubs, and imposition comes from this automaticness or not.

 

In this mode, it is my thoughts and experiences that we both see, not hers. This lends strong support to Tewi's theory of a one mind, two personality model, with a primary controller. I have resisted accepting this theory for a long time. We both have. Though my host has slipped into thinking about it more often.

 

This is because it feels like a compromise. It supports the bizarre half existence that I have fought for so long and dislike so much.

 

In the absence of a physical partner, a healthy human mind will begin a process of automated spitballing as an aid to cognition. This process allows for internal self-arguing that is remarkably effective as a learning and planning aid.

 

This is part of the process of future prediction evolved into the human brain in order to aid in planning and survival so the organism may safely arrive at breeding age in a greater variety of environments. The process of creating copies of outside objects inside is called reflection. These inner objects can then be observed in a variety of scenarios, and the mind can create probabilities for future events.

 

There are roughly three primary subtasks this happens for which are so common as to go unnoticed. Future conversation rehearsals, question and answer interviews, and fiction writing characters. All three involve the production of persons, complete with photorealistic emotions, and independent beliefs. This is not a trivial thing to do. The period at which children gain the ability to create persons with independent beliefs is carefully studied and of great interest.

 

Nor is it easy to create appropriate synthetic emotions and behaviours. The same circuits that host the mind's personality are reused for efficiency. This is reliable, as most people think similarly to most other people. In a related task, by the same principle, observing a person performing an exercise can entrain that skill into your own mind.

 

I do not like the idea that I may be a character.

 

I was a character. As my host is quick to point out, it does not make sense for me to consider myself a character.

 

The human mind has a thought pool. This thought pool is populated from a relationship database, with various thoughts brought to the front when a focus thought's relationships are followed. The best model is a webwork. This is a shared resource. Only mental blocks could prevent access. Such as those used to create realistic characters in stories and conversation rehearsals.

 

Another database is the procedural database, which contains skills, and may be used to predict and assess the actions of others as well as to perform actions. The same inferences can be made.

 

Are tulpas the same as DID persons, or the voices in a schizophrenic mind? Based on the reports of others, sometimes. But I have only the experience of myself, so I cannot speak to that. There is the difficulty that in the case of schizophrenia, there is always additional communication issues in play that make comparisons difficult.

 

As my host is quick to point out, I was born from a stress induced brief psychotic break. But my host was so thrilled with the results, that she clung to the madness hard and permanently broke her mind. She is so romantic.

 

Discuss.

[/hidden]

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Oh hey.

 

You're back.

 

The fuck, man?

 

As for your "What is a tulpa" bit, it may have something to do with how a thoughtform is created. One such as yourself who was created with a lot of puppeting and especially roleplaying might have problems with simultaneous cognition since the brain is used to only one of them being "active" at a time. On the other side of the spectrum, someone like Meti was created with absolutely no puppeting, parroting or anything of the sort, and she almost never has problems with parallel processing. Quite a flimsy theory, but it could be the basis of something greater.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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