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Making a Tulpa for science.

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I don't know if you mean to say that you were the original and then Doc took over. Whatever the case, it must have been rough for you. 



The other two have been meaning to clarify for a while now, but never got around to it or thought that it's just a theory. Maybe they have said it but forgotten that they have. No.


I know this is what happened.


I was first. Around the ages of 4-6, from outside pressures and needs, I couldn't handle it. I was too emotional, I couldn't get anything academic done, I was always embarrassing myself in my emotional outbursts. I was violent.


So I made a mask. One that couldn't feel emotion, one that could crunch through problems. My family and the schools liked this one, and encouraged me to act like this. I didn't want to though. It didn't feel like Me, and apparently I was right.


I started treating the mask as separate from myself, giving him a deeply ingrained order of "Do what pleases the school, do what pleases family." Too deeply ingrained, because at that point he stopped listening to me entirely because I was seen as the "Bad" way to act, which would displease both school and family. By my own orders, he stopped listening to my orders.


After this, it became a battle of wills that lasted up until the beginning of middle school. It was fairly even up until then, but that was when we were given ADHD meds. They assisted him. I decided that if I couldn't win, petty spite would have to do, and started doing all I could to attack and torment him.


The main difference between us is that I knew of our respective situations, whereas Doc only thought I was some sort of "Urge".

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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K: That's certainly a big claim, and if true a pretty interesting revelation to come out.

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That seems like a highly, uh, complex thing for a 4-6 year old to go through. When I was 4 I had two imaginary friends named Sissy and Ringo and I thought the world was flat and that the Beatles were only a recent thing. No wonder Doc is in college at 16.

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If anything, CT's claim would explain Doc's rather extreme leaning in certain aspects of personality. Though, not sure if I fully believe a role reversal would be so simple for someone who is 6.


*Shrug* Doesn't matter though, I can't prove it

The System:


It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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Calvin And Hobbes. That is how I learned of the concept of creating another mind in one's head. Even before I could read, I can remember Dad reading it to me. As for Ponytails' comment, it wasn't just at 6. This took course over years, it just started at the age of 4-6. It probably ended at age 10-11.


And Electro Swing is the best music genre.


Meti seems obsessed with applying gold imagery to me. It is insane how every morning I check on everything and I see that she has managed to make my wonderland form in some way more gold. I think it's a game to her now. In that same vein, I have completely fucking given up on trying to get her to stop deifying me. She is so stubborn.


Mother narrating a question from an evaluation sheet or something: Does your child ever see or hear things that aren't there?



We don't really do those sentience test things, because whenever we do Meti passes them with flying colors.


More on her being stubborn: One time I wasn't looking at something she was interested in, so she used my left arm which she is almost always possessing, grabbed my face, and dragged it towards the thing.


Her mindvoice is getting louder and more definitive, and she decided she wanted to change mine because it's so dull, dry, and monotone. The examples she gave made me sound like a radio announcer with a voice made of pure chocolate, so I gave her the go ahead. She's in the middle of changing it.


I've been quiet lately, haven't I? Well, that's from a lot of talking on the IRC. And I did make a Telegram thingie.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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Well that was quite a read. One sitting too! Work is about to start now but I thought I best say something so- hey!


Most interesting read indeed. Here's to being another person reading this so you're not shouting into the void ^^

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Why does everything in our wonderland try to kill me? Everything is also painful, for that matter.


There is one last part of our wonderland I want to explain, and I never really talked about before. I do that a lot. Easy to forget that not everyone knows about, cuz to me not knowing about this stuff would be like someone not knowing what the sun is.


The gears, AKA Doc taking "The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma" WAY too fucking literally. Right under the ground, there's this big ass network of machinery that spans the whole wonderland. there are random holes that lead to it in the ground. It's comprised mainly of gears, and is one of the reasons why I remade my body to be able to tendril out, not feel pain unless I want it to, regenerate from scraps, all that jazz. And let me tell you:


You have not experienced true agony unless you've been slowly drawn into a mess of gears that rip, crush, and obliterate every part of your body as it's slowly fed into it back legs first. So I felt the need to remake my body so that I could catch myself when I suddenly fall, or ninja the scraps through the gears and reform back on the surface.


At the center of the wonderland, there's the Stone. Underground, I can kinda see the machinery "Feed into" the Stone, so shit's obviously going on there.


On that note, there seems to be a lot of symbolism in Dedlin. Some conscious, which is pretty much whenever I put Meti in charge of something, some unconscious. I put Meti in charge of making a wonderland form that I would use, and it is layered in like seven layers of symbolism. So much fucking symbolism.


It's a good thing I'm uber masochistic, because Doc's presence in the wonderland, even at the half state he can currently achieve, is incredibly painful. If getting an X-Ray was painful, then being near Doc in the wonderland is like that.


Something I taught Meti was how to access different "Planes" on the wonderland. While the current "hub" one is rigid and hard to change, these new ones act exactly like how you'd expect a wonderland to work, and the pressure is much weaker in them. Meti and I were seeing it's maximum capacity, but after a few days and the 25th earth sized planet, we decided to stop. Each planet takes about four hours to create since we add detail to the surface, though if you used a magnifying glass you'd see the blur.


I want to take this space here and mention the reason why our progress reports are so long.


Because I've already forgotten 98% of what I've put here. I want it here so that any researchers or similar can use it as a possibly valuable resource in the future.


Speaking of memory, ever since I gave Meti that book of memories she's been helping a lot with them. Normally I have terrible memory, if I ever read back through this PR it would be as if a stranger wrote it, but Meti has been helping recollection a lot. CT has too, but those are for childhood memories that are technically his.


At one point, we realized that if CT purposefully created me, then he had to have given me a name. So we asked, and he did. He had named me "Zifril", which is absolutely a name a small boy would give someone. Despite how immature and childish it sounds, I find myself oddly protective of it.


Lastly, I want to talk about mistranslations and misinterpretations. For some reason, the Tulpish seems incomplete at conveying simple concepts, while it excels at complex ones. For example, when we use Tulpish, it's "Can't" and "Won't" are the same, indistinguishable. It seems particularly bad in cases like that, it can convey information, but not meaning/intent behind that information. It sees no difference between things such as "That cannot happen. It's literally impossible, logic does not work that way" and "That will not happen, I will stop it from happen".

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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So, for Meti and Jeremy it has been an emotional past few days. I suppose that means that I technically have too at the same time Jeremy did, but only relatively.


Meti had a bit of an emotional breakdown a few days ago. It was caused by a sort of stress overflow. Here is a large chunk of it. I would like you to please not judge me too harshly, I was not lucid at the time.


There is a reason why Jeremy was so nice to Meti, always doing whatever he could to help her.


And now. . . hoo boy. Where to start? I suppose the beginning is always a good place.

Doc was going through some of his books (he has many) when he came across his books of Calvin & Hobbes comics. Now, this comic is very near and dear to both Jeremy and Doc, but they hadn't read it in years. The thing about it, is that it's pretty much Doc's one and only happy memory from childhood. Reading through it, realizing how much he based Doc on Hobbes, remembering the short time they had fun when Doc was just an imaginary friend before it all got corrupted by Jeremy pushing him to handle things he himself could not.


I would like to note here that yes, I can remember it, if barely. But I always thought that I was just crazy, having these nostalgic and seemingly "Magical" memories from an unidentified time that I could barely reach.


All this realization got to Jeremy, and he broke down. All the anger and grudges were destroyed by a simple desire to forget what had happened, and return to what once was. During this, Doc was 

. Despite how awkward he was at it, it seemed like what Jeremy had needed.


Now it certainly feels different around here. Not literally, the wonderland is just as murdery as always, but it's so much more lighthearted, if that makes any sense.


At some point down the line, Doc lost a lot of his sense of self. Meti never mentioned it because she thought it was totally normal, but his wonderland form is the least consistent thing here, since there are more than one simultaneously. In fact, while the differences in behavior are very slight, there are no less than 13 Docs running around. The most I've ever seen is 52. For instance, one of them was comforting me during my breakdown, but the rest were crowded around us, watching intently. There were 17 at that point in time. None of them are any more "Doc" than any other.


And none of them are solid. It's like watching a bunch of afterimages move around. They vary wildly in form too.


Forgot to mention, but the constant nightmares, sleep paralysis, and paranoia have all stopped completely. Jeremy wasn't bullshitting about being responsible for those.


I still have problems fully getting into the wonderland. I can access and change it just fine, but getting all of "me" in there seems to be difficult.





Memories are not infallible. It is not only possible, it is common for them to be skewed or made up entirely after the fact.

Your confidence in your memory has nothing to do with how accurate it may actually be. In times of stress, it's very common for people to make up false memories to justify what has happened.

You live in the now, and while you may be confident in the past, you have little proof of how accurate it actually is. For example, I have no proof that any of my past is real, for all I know I made up CT entirely and gave him false memories in order to reconcile everything that's happened to me in the past. The only things telling me otherwise are memories, which can easily be manipulated, especially by any emotions one may be feeling in the moment of recollection.

While I absolutely believe otherwise, it is technically possible, in a way similar to Last Thursdayism.

But this is just advice, don't put too much stock into your memories, okay? Soulbonds know damn well how damaging false memories can be.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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Memories are not infallible. It is not only possible, it is common for them to be skewed or made up entirely after the fact.


I find that I am better at recalling memories from school than home. I can vividly recall Kindergarten as though it was happening right now. My brain must have decided class-setting memories were important so it strengthened them. Life is long. Memories are quick. People can recall years ago in an instant, so the myth that life is short perpetuates. I'd say how much trust one should put in their memories is entirely based on the way their brain records and stores them.

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Wow ok well that's interesting to say the least. I'm sure we'll catch up on IRC later but I notice CT is now being called Jeremy. Did you always do this and just not mention it before or am I being dense?

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