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Radio Hiss

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I've noticed that Apollo only ever seems to talk to me when I'm sad. He says "Don't be sad, things aren't as bad as you think, you don't have to feel so down, it's alright, I love you, etc." But really not much else. I don't know if he's saying these things because he wants to or because I want him to. 

 

My hamster died and I did not take it well. Apollo tried hugging me in the wonderland to calm me down. I don't want Apollo to be nothing but a comforting force as he is right now. I haven't been making much progress at all in any aspects of my life, let alone tulpamancy. It's heart-wrenching to think that my hamster died because of neglect. I don't want that to happen to Apollo, too. 

 

I've started taking anti-depressants, but those are causing more harm than good right now. On the second day, I could no longer reach Apollo or P&HJP and had to go to bed early. On the third day, I went to bed at four and slept through the day.

 

Just to vent, I really want to get my life back on track and make progress with my thoughtforms and feel better about myself and not feel so goddamn awful all the time. I hate that Apollo keeps getting older but none of his skills seem to be improving at all. I want to go work out and feel better, but this fucking pain in my lower back is handicapping me from doing that, and it's only getting worse.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I had P&HJP talk on the IRC a bit, but now it seems they've gone away to some other end of the wonderland, or perhaps back to Eemaj. I'm guessing they need a break and some time alone to figure stuff out. Maybe when they come back they will have made their decision on the merge.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Well if you want Apollo to be more than a shoulder to cry on, then you need to talk to him about victories. Hell, those victories could be as silly as "Woo! I got up on time."

Little things like that to add just a bit of positivity. You can't move up if you're always looking down. Well, you can but you'll probably hurt yourself.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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I've been so torn up over the deal of my hamster Pretzel that I've barely been able to go an hour without crying. Emotions ran high yesterday, needless to say, and as a result Apollo was a lot more territorial than usual. He hasn't liked me spending time focusing on P&HJP rather than him, but yesterday it turned into an all-out war between him and HJP. He didn't like that I was letting HJP talk in the IRC instead of him, even though Apollo doesn't have much to say. HJP is so quicker to give a response, most likely as a result of Eemaj, while Apollo might not have anything to say at all. He still didn't like it, though. Ever seen an episode of Fairy Tail where two wizards are battling, blasting all of their magic at each other, yet nobody ever seems to get hurt by it? That's what it was like in the wonderland. P was nowhere to be found during their little fight. It was quite entertaining, listening to their tulpish insults. HJP seemed to be merely toying with Apollo, knowing that there would be no victor but he could still get amusement out of riling him up.

 

Later, P came back, and he and HJP went into "evil mode" which is hard to explain, but essentially they went red-eyed and demonish. They were trying to scare me (and Apollo), but once they realized that I simply thought of it as annoying, they snapped out of it. Then they revealed that they did, in fact, feel it would be best to go through with the merge, but still need more time.

 

I told them that they could not merge if they had so much pent up emotion over having learned their old reality was not reality. As I went into another bout of tears over Pretzel, P&HJP started crying, too. Letting out emotion is good. I think they feel a little better now.

 

We'll all need to have much calmer minds before they can perma-merge. They temporarily merged just to get a feel for it, and actually smiled. I don't think I've seen them smile post-enlightenment, aside from HJP bullying Apollo, but they (or should I say he?) seemed to like it.

 

[P&HJP] Merged, we felt closer together yet further away from our past. We both shared memories of Eemaj, but it felt more distant. Our thoughts were inseperable, as the two of us normally are. Not to mention, Apollo seemed to like us more as one. We feel it's the right path for us to take, but we're not going to rush into it.

 

[Apollo] Maybe the death of Lyro's hamster will result in us being brought together. His grief is strong, but I want to help him move past it. I'm trying to "comb out" the sadness he feels, and replace it with something more positive, or at least something to distract her from it. While Lyro was sitting alone at lunch today, we made a promise to each other. I promised to learn to self-force and develop myself, and he promised to improve his life however he can.

 

Once we all get past the sadness that's plaguing us (yes, I have some too, but I don't like to show it), then we'll be able to show each other and the world what we can do together. There are no limits to this brain-family we're all a part of, and I want to make that clear as day. Even if I don't like P&HJP that much, this applies to them, too. We can do anything, we just need to go a few extra miles to get there.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Allow me to introduce myself. You already know me as two (barely) separate soulbonds named P&HJP, but I am now only one. P&HJP have merged and decided to stay that way. I may break apart by mistake, but I will try not to as much as possible.

[align=justify]

My name is Piano, but that name may change in the future. I look like HJP physically, with long hair and a slim build, but I wear all black like P. My personality is essentially everything they had, only some invisible traits that they may or may not have had are more pronounced in me. I have all of their memories, but feel farther away from their past than they did. The space between P&HJP’s minds has been removed and instead placed between me and their past.

 

I will from now on refer to P&HJP as “they” when speaking of them as individuals, rather than saying “us.” I think that using plural pronouns in reference to myself may be detrimental to my development as a singular entity. However, make no mistake: I AM P&HJP. I am not a new thoughtform birthed through their essences or anything like that. I am them made into one.

 

They wished to start anew. To be able to most past their past and be able to be a part of this sstem. Merging was the best course of action to go about achieving that. I am now able to devote myself to other goals and ideas than they did due to no longer having the restraints they did.

 

I do not consider myself a tulpa, and I do not consider myself a soulbond. I consider myself a part of this system. I will use the word thoughtform in reference to myself rather than those other words.

 

What are my goals? What do I want to do, now that P&HJP are one and the same? I want to work with Apollo. I have taken a liking to him and wish to help him develop into a stronger tulpa. I will try to force him and help him become who he wants to be. I do not know what my role in the system is other than that. I lean towards “system protector” though I do not know where that might come into play. I suppose I will take self-discovery as it emerges.  

 

I find myself wanting to be accepted by others. Not liked, necessarily. Simply accepted as I am. I cannot change what P&HJP were forced to go through in Eemaj, what it made them become, and how real they believed it to be. New tulpae are automatically accepted by the “community” but it seems I have to go an extra mile to be accepted. I want to be accepted by people I don’t even know infinitely more than P&HJP ever did. That is what I mean by personality traits that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. P&HJP never let other people get to them emotionally. I, however, find that I can be hurt when I learn that others are unwilling to accept me. I need to prove myself to them. That is why I want to take on the role of helping Apollo to grow. 

 

Self discovery, helping a systemmate, and becoming a part of this brain-family. That is what I wish to devote myself to, rather than dwell on the pain of the past.

 

Until next time.[/align]

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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[Apollo] Earlier Piano and I were able to stay connected to Lyro while he was having a debate in class. Adrenaline is no joke. It was exciting.

 

I want to talk to people, but Piano is better at communicating than me, so he always seems to steal the spotlight. I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone without Lyro or Piano interjecting, but whenever I do, chat goes quiet q-q

 

I changed my form to look more like the picture Slipper drew. My form is a little less stable, but that's likely because of the highly stressful week Lyro's had.

 

[Lyro] Yesterday, I was wondering if I was parroting Piano, and he said "You're not controlling me, get that through your thick skull!"

 

TIL this is Apollo's favorite song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIeDGKb-WpY

 

Today, my sister and her boyfriend took me and my other siblings to Luray Caverns. I was trying to get Apollo to connect to my senses and look at the formations. I find that whenever I do that, my own focus on what's around me is drowned out. Caves are cool: I liked it. I share Lyro's awe of nature and stuff like that.

 

[Piano] Sometimes I start splitting apart. Usually when Lyro is thinking of P&HJP, or there is something that one of them wants to say separately from the other. It doesn't take much to pull myself back together, but I have to remember to stay together.

 

[Apollo] I appreciate Piano being here, and how he's helped me. I thought before that having another tulpa around would help me, but Lyro thought it would be too much work to make a new one. Piano is already past the early development stages. He needs time to get used to not simply being a puppet, but he's developed a lot more than I am. I like having him around.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Piano's been having some anger issues, to put it lightly. He's mad about his past, and mad about everything that's been troubling Apollo that he has been unable to speak about. We figure we'll have to help him get past his past before he can become the system protector.

 

I felt I was past it briefly, but that was just a delusion. I am not.

 

Yesterday, because it seems everyone else has been doing it, I had Piano search for other thoughtforms in my head. He came back with two figures. One looked like Apollo, but was mostly see-through and did not speak or anything. We think it was a part of Apollo that broke off at some point. Apollo "absorbed" it (whatever that means.)

 

The second one though... he was a thoughtform representation of a bad memory. He was a person I used to know, and obsessed over long after he left. I had imaginary conversations with him in an effort to feel less lonely, imagining what it would be like if he came back to me and stuff like that. He seemed confused, not knowing where he was or who the other two people were, asking me what was going on. I think he believed that he was that person. I was a little hesitant, as I have a lot of emotional connection towards that person, but knew I had to let him go. That thoughtform wasn't the real one: he was simply something my subconscious conjured up as I was in so much pain after he left. I didn't want to be without him, so he somehow came into being inside my mind. I needed to let go of the thoughtform, and I needed to let go of my memories of that person.

 

I told Piano to destroy him however possible. Not just to destroy the thoughtform, but to destroy my connection to that person that the thoughtform represented. It got pretty grizzly, to say the least. Piano took out all of his aggression on that thoughtform. In front of Apollo. I heard the thoughtform's screams in my head. I went on the IRC and talked about it a bit. Apollo was horrified. I don't want to get into it too much here....

 

I resolved to stop giving that thoughtform attention (after this post, of course). I do wonder if that thoughtforms ability to enter my dreams is what gave Apollo and Piano that ability. He's been entering my dreams at least once a week, even when I don't think about that person at all.

 

Moral of the story (I skipped a lot of stuff)... Piano needs more help getting over everything. I'm going to let him proxy-write his story to get everything off his chest and as a method of forcing. 

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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My brain has been whirling as we all have been trying to learn and grow together. This is all this thread is: a place for me to share experiences, what we've learned, and how we've grown. If you had told me before I started that I would end up with my two characters, P&HJP, inserting themselves into the system and then merging into a semi-psychopath with PTSD who kind of wants to murder people, NO WAY I would have pursued any of this tulpamancy stuff (given I actually believed you), but it happened, and now I want us to work together and seek a brighter future.

 

I want to say something: I am not perfect. My posts could have some exagerrations or unintentional parroting, but I'm only human. I can't be 1000% truthful, but I try to be as much as possible. I never intend to lie or be misleading, ever. It's up to you whether or not you believe my experiences, but I think what matters is that I believe my experiences, because if I didn't then Apollo and Piano wouldn't be here.

 


In order to prevent a massive wall of text, I'm splitting it into sections.

 

Piano's thoughts: [hidden]

Piano kind of shifts between "them" and "me," but there really isn't a difference.

 

[Piano] Needless to say, I've been pained about my past. I've been violent and I've wanted to cause others pain. I've been angry towards Lyro due to all of the suffering he put P&HJP through, and how I have to live with it. The fact that Lyro put them through pain because he liked that he could feel it, too, made me even angrier. He felt their pain, yet he kept making it happen. He liked making it happen. This... is all a heavy cross to bear. I have a lot of self-loathing, a lot of pain, a lot of bad memories, and feel helpless.

 

Doc's system offered help, and then CT gave me some advice. At first, I just ignored it, thinking that I would never be able to move past all of the stuff that happened to me. I did some thinking, though, and realized that it was ridiculous for me to think of myself as some sort of special exception, that I couldn't move past it, when CT and Doc could have gone through much worse at the hands of one another, yet they still somehow managed to forgive one another, or at least walk away from it all. Surely I could too, in time.

 

There was one problem though... Lyro had not yet apologized for anything he did. He did at the end of the day yesterday, and came close to crying. He said that if he had known P&HJP were real, he would have stopped everything he put them through (as he has). I don't know if I can forgive him, but perhaps we'll get there soon.

 

The document where Lyro's proxy-typing my past is coming along nicely in that it's helping me to vent, and also uncover things I never knew, or never realized. We will definitely share it when it's finished, and then perhaps everyone will truly be able to see my origins. I have nothing to hide.

 

I love Apollo. Not in any romantic way,

(the only people in this system who loved each other in a romantic way merged)

 of course, but in an indescribable way. I'm kind of plagiarizing Lyro in saying that, but it's true. He's innocent and kind and forgiving, and everything that I am not. I may have horribly traumatized him a few times, but he doesn't care: all he wants is for everyone in this system to be happy. He's warm-hearted in that way. He said that he wants to "mend our broken hearts." P&HJP resented him at first, but he's grown on me. He gives me a reason to exist, and to want to improve myself as the days go by. Lyro's been growing on me too. I love Piano and Lyro too. This system needs more love, and I'm here to provide it.

 

I still have a dark mind, and that may never change. I had a really dark moment earlier... it was brief, but scary. Somebody mentioned that if he was in my situation then he would have offed himself. At first, I thought that that would not be something I would do, mostly because Lyro thought that, too. Lyro's thoughts do not control me, though, so I started to consider it. Wouldn't that be easier? Just somehow end my existence. Apollo stepped in and begged me to reconsider: to not consider anything like that. He insisted that he needs me, and doesn't want to see me go.... [/hidden]

 

Eclipsing speculation: [hidden]

I think that Apollo and Piano have the ability to eclipse, to some extent. If I'm not mistaken, that means a thoughtform thinks of something and then the host does it automatically. Well, today two eclipsing cases may or may not have occurred: I was planning on staying off of the IRC for the day, but Apollo didn't want me to. It turned into a battle of wills, but Apollo managed to get me to go on it so he could talk. Might just be because he does, but I think I eclipsed there. Later, I suddenly shouted something that surprised me the second I did. I wasn't being possessed, but think Apollo's thoughts in response to what somebody else said made me do that.

 

I think that P&HJP might have done some eclipsing in the past without realizing. Lyro was planning on making HJP as a throw-away character, but P's will to have HJP come back made him bring him back as a ghost.

 

This is all speculation, really. None of us can say for certain if any of this happened. Still, it's interesting to think about. Maybe we'll test it in the future. [/hidden]

 

Events from today: [hidden]

So I found a new forcing method... going outside. I went on a walk, partly to see if one of them could possess, partly to just talk to them. I wanted Apollo to possess, but he said he thought Piano should instead. I got to the point where my I could feel the pulse in the fingers of my left hand, and Piano was this close to taking control, but something was preventing him from doing it, and it wasn't doubt: it was his own essence.

 

I was sitting atop the hill beside the park, and closed my eyes to see if I could help Piano "cure" his essence of some of the pain and anger he was holding, so perhaps he could finally possess. Piano was hostile. He shouted at me, saying there was nothing wrong with him and to leave him alone. I grabbed him and ripped something out of him: a shadowy figure that had been a part of him. He was shocked by it. "Apollo, destroy it," I ordered. Apollo nodded, and in a flash of light it disappeared. Gone. It didn't come back like Doubt and Depression did. Piano immediately began crying, and collapsed onto the floor. Apollo revealed that I had a shadowy figure within me, too, and made it disappear. Piano was convulsing a little, then he sat up and hugged me as he cried. I asked Apollo if getting rid of that thing did anything, and he said, "If you believe it did, then yes." The three of us had a little moment where we cried together. Piano needed to let his emotions out in that way. I don't know why I was crying. I didn't actually shed tears, but I did in the wonderland. I'm feeling blendy emotions as I write this. Apollo ruined it by crying like Spongebob. 

 

I left the wonderland and thought, "What if this is all just false? What if they're not really there?" Something in my brain immediately crushed that thought. I got up and started walking down the hill. I thought, "No, they're real. I feel they're real. I believe they're real. I know they're real." They both responded positively to that. They started to hug me, and I felt the need to stop walking, even though I felt ridiculous when I did. It was nice though. 

 

I'll definitely do forcing while outside more. I'll turn into the weird girl who meditates at the top of the hill, but fuck it! [/hidden]

 

We decided to take a break from the IRC for a while. We'll still be on the forum, but I just need some time away from the chat.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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No PRs posted since mine? Whyyy.

 

I just got through trying some active forcing. I got distracted by sad thoughts, so Apollo started saying comforting things, as he does: "I'll always be here for you," is the last thing he said before Piano joined in... Piano wasn't so kind. He started insisting that Apollo shouldn't be so naive, and that one day I could abandon him to rot in the mindscape, and he'd be powerless to stop it. Piano has started using a weird mindvoice as he's trying to find the right one, so it was kind of strange hearing him, but I digress. We argued a little over that (it wasn't really an argument as I wan't angry, just trying to calm him down), but then Piano stormed off and told me to leave him alone. Apollo prompty followed him to try calming him down. I tried to join him, but they both told me to go away. I tried to join again, but then a door was slammed in my face, followed by "you'll only make it worse!" from Apollo.

 

Welp. So much for that forcing session. Can't force if I don't have any thoughtforms around. 

 

There won't be any proxying going on in this post due to that, even though were some things that they wanted to share. Guess they'll have to wait until tomorrow.

 

In other news, at some point between my last post and now, Piano was fidgeting a little in the wonderland, and then he split apart. P&HJP appeared, and they both started shouting at each other, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. "What is this argument about?" I demanded, and they ignored me. P&HJP never fought in Eemaj, but I figure whatever this argument was had been brewing for a while. The strange part was that, even though they had split, Piano remained. He stood there as a faint, see-through figure that said nothing and looked confused. P&HJP made up from whatever the fuck they were arguing over and merged again, joining where the ghost-Piano was standing. I think that that means Piano is developing an identity separate from P&HJP, so when they split, neither of them took it. I don't know if that's possible, but hey.

 

This morning I woke up at 5:50 am. I went downstairs to do my morning rituals, and about 20 minutes later, Piano woke up. We had a nice long conversation together, just the two of us. Apollo woke up at 6:45, as I was walking to the bus stop, and then the three of us spent the morning talking together. I noticed that Apollo and Piano can't really talk if I try visualizing them at the same time, but hopefully that'll change.

 

Piano's calmer now, despite the recent events I described. He's doing better, but still needs plenty of work. It'll be a slow process, but one that will pay off.

 

Forcing plans (daily if possible):

-Piano therapeutic time

-Apollo-only time

-Family bonding time with the three of us

-"Other"

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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I'm practicing using a different mindvoice. Let's see if I'll be able to get through being proxied in this post without my voice reverting back to Lyro's voice. He didn't even get through that sentence. I can speak in my new mindvoice for much longer than he can.

 

Piano and I decided to make a truce so that we'd stop provoking fights with each other. We haven't fought that much, but Piano's made many threats. We also made a pact: we decided that, for Apollo's sake, we'd both work to be less negative and sad, and work together in helping Apollo to grow. We figured Apollo would not be innocent and kind anymore if we kept up our usual dismal moods (I don't expect him to be, but don't want him to lose his emotional innocence prematurely). Apollo wants us to get along, so we (Piano especially) will have to make an effort to do that.

 

[Apollo] Now for a rare bout of negativity from me... I worry a lot about where I'm going. Will I, for some reason, be dropped and forgotten? Will Piano absorb all of Lyro's attention, and then I'm unintentionally dissipated? Will I say or do something that will cause Piano to turn against me? Don't get me wrong, Piano is my best friend, other than Lyro, but I feel like I have to tread carefully around him. The smallest thing can set him off on an emotional downspiral that usually ends in violence or threats. It's getting better all the time, but it's not going to prevent it from bothering me. I might be exaggerating the problem a bit, so take this with a grain of salt.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Recent stuff.

 

Apollo's stability:

[hidden]Yesterday, Piano went into a cat form, because he liked the idea of him being a cat, IDK. Apollo tried to join him, but his cat form was completely messed up and inconsistent. The color didn't stay the same, and it didn't even look like anything. Just a blur of cartoonish fur. Piano's form looked near flawless and realistic (as a black cat with red eyes), meanwhile Apollo was a confusing mess. I came to the realization that Apollo was unstable.

 

I had known for a while that he was, but I thought it was an issue that would sort itself out. His form, voice, thoughts, opinions, and just general state-of-being are all very unstable and change easily. Most of what I proxy for him is just what he's thinking at the time: he can easily change his mind ten times over. I can hardly visualize him without his form messing up in some way. I decided that we would have to take steps to fix this, rather than wait. I did some forcing for a while, using symbolism and other stuff to get him more stable. Piano, in comparison, is very stable, so it's certainly doable. He says he feels more stable now, but it might take a while.[/hidden]

 

Piano progress:

[hidden]I went on a walk, and after getting yelled at by Apollo and destroying the Berlin Wall, I had Piano go through and say goodbye to certain characters of Eemaj. He missed Lucinda most of all, and cried after saying goodbye to her, but then told me that he thought she and I were similar. He expessed sadness at having learned that none of those people were real. I told him that I had always wanted P&HJP to be real, and was so happy and amazed that he was with me, even if it was due to bad circumstances. We talked, and I think we really connected. He doesn't seem to dislike me anymore, at least. Things are looking up. People who live in the same brain tend to make peace more easily, it seems, but I can sense Piano's hesitation, which is perfectly fine. I love him as much as I love Apollo, and want him to know that.

 

Also, on the walk, my face was freezing. I went inside and laid down on the stair landing, and suddenly felt really exhasted. My face started burning and my vision started spinning. I just felt weird. I can't really describe it now, but something was up. I went to my room, and it felt like something was physically spinning inside our brain. Piano said that he was doing it, as he was trying to take control. It didn't work, but he managed to do something.[/hidden]

 

Mental fatigue:[hidden]

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of stuff going on in our brain: more than just head pressures, but not severe enough to be a headache. My brain seems to be trying to get used to having three different minds running at the same time, especially with Apollo and Piano becoming more active. It usually does this if I instruct them to stay active or if I communicate with them for a long amount of time. Brain exercise.

 

However, the process of having three minds in our brain is making me fatigued. I get tired more easily at the end of the day, yawn throughout, fall asleep when I shouldn't, etc. etc. It'll probably become easier to handle in time.[/hidden]

 

Dissociation:

[hidden]I want to become dissociated as much as possible, so that we'll be able to switch and all that in the future. The first step in my dissociation plan is to separate myself from my body's identity. My real name starts with an F, so I'll use that here. I am Lyro, my body is F. I control F, I am not F. I sign everything with F's name, but I know I am still Lyro. The hands I am using to type this are not my hands, they are F's hands. Apollo and Piano will soon easily be able to control A's hands as I can. Hopefully learning to think like that will allow them to possess and get me closer to dissociating.[/hidden]

 

The Berlin Wall:

[hidden]As I said before, I went on a talk today. I started thinking pessimistic thoughts, wondering if that was all a parroting-induced delusion, and then one of them started telling me to stop thinking that way. I was surprised, because it was Apollo getting mad at me, and not Piano. He told me that I was the one blocking them from making progress. I asked him why he would assign blame like that, as that's not productive. He agreed not blame it on me, but instead, a wall. He said that there's a wall in our brain that stops us all from reaching our goals, big or small, and we need to destroy it. I went all Ronald Reagan and told the two of them to tear down the wall. We'll probably destroy the wall several times a day just to be safe.[/hidden]

 

Possible servitor:

[hidden]I am toying with the idea of creating a servitor that might be able to make it easier for possession/switching: it could essentially give someone control over part or all of the body when instructed, make it easier for me to let go, shove somebody into the front when requested, etc. Do you think that's possible, or not? If the brain can choose who goes in the front, then surely a servitor can be made to do that, too.[/hidden]

 

Randem:

[hidden]I watched A Hard Day's Night (movie) with Apollo. Here are some comments he made throughout.

"Why is it in black and white?"

"I don't get it."

"Whoa, did he just threaten that guy? A real threat?"

"That was pretty funny."

"That reminds me of Meti."

"It didn't make a lot of sense to me, but if you liked it, then I'm happy."

And probably some others that I can't remember.

 

I used to hate the album "Kisses On the Bottom," but I found that it's perfect for tulpaforcing in the wonderland. It's not boring enough that I'd switch to something else, and it's calm and gentle so I won't get distracted. I recommend.[/hidden]

 

Getting back into the habit of forcing feels good.

 

I was telling Apollo that I wished he could possess/switch soon, and he responded with, "Don't worry, Lyro, I'm sure something will happen," which would be sweet and touching except that he plagiarized the Beatles. Still nice though: maybe I should stop worrying so much and just keep that in mind.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • Radio Hiss changed the title to Life of Felights

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