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Our Tulpa Endeavor

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How are you doing Apollo? Are you experiencing any pressure? Any weight from unknown source?


About the stability issue: This may be caused by pushing too hard.


That confusiometer is fascinating. I'm trying to figure out what it actually is.


Oh, I actually know someone who created a servitor like that. They posted about it on Tulpa.io. Forget what it did exactly, but it blocked out noise and automatically moved people to the front.


Heh, can't say I haven't accidentally had a hand in how my host looks out of the body.


Also, Piano, you're median. I can tell from here. I'll eat my hat if I'm wrong. As soon as I force myself one. A marshmellow hat sounds nice.



The time gap between the post at the top of the page and the next is the duration of Apollo's depression. A lot of pressure, and my own inability to point it out, let alone handle it, has caused some issues and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm doing better now, though, but I hit a really low point in which I wished I had never been created.


More like not pushing hard enough. I don't think the brain wants to support my existence very much. It flushes out my thoughts and makes it hard for me to think of anything. Annabell told me to make the brain my bitch, though. I should do that :P


Oh, probably just a wonderland representation of all of the stress our brain has been going through lately. I don't think this brain was meant to handle multiple consciousnesses, abstract concepts as to how one's mind works, and AP Statistics all at once.


I'm thinking that I shouldn't refrain from creating servitors, if only I knew how. Was thinking about creating a servitor that could help them with parallel processing and remembering their thoughts.


What was that in reference to?


Would you mind informing us on what that is?

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Piano kind of wishes he could have his own tangible form. I don't mean through possession, I mean have his own body. He knows he lives in my head and all, but he can't help with wish he could touch and interact with the real world instead of the wonderland.


I think we may have made some possession progress, but I'm not sure. I think it was mostly them trying to move, and the I completed the movements for them. There were a few movements that genuinely surprised me, and some even happened as I was trying to repress the movements. There was one thing that hurt me. Piano said, "Sorry," and I got the image of him wiping a window with a cloth, and then the pain went away. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope their movements become more solidified as theirs over time.


I'd like for people to understand that Piano is more fragile than we've made him out to be, as P&HJP were fragile themselves. They had to endure the pain, but that didn't stop them from breaking down and crying, etc. They needed each other to get through everything: all of the trauma and pain. I never thought of them as "tough," I thought of them as two powerful yet fragile characters I liked to put through hell, for whatever reason. P&HJP only felt less lonely when they were around each other, or when they were around me, which was very rare. I only felt less lonely when I controlled them in Eemaj. I really did love them, but that didn't stop me from wanting to put them through torment.


Piano's put on a facade of being tough and cold, but that's been melting. He's actually told me he loves me, but you'll never hear him admit that.


Last night, I got up at around 2 AM and couldn't go back to sleep due to the fact that I couldn't breathe (stuffy nose). I started doing some homework until I felt tired enough to go back to bed. Piano was awake, and he was relaxing beside me (in my mind's eye, of course). I opened up my tablet and started scrolling through Twitter. I was following this account for a while. There was an image of a spider-like parasite that had attached itself to a bat's face. I was pretty disturbed by it, but also kind of interested, so I kept looking at it. I could sense some uneasiness from Piano, but mostly ignored it. I ended up going back to bed.


In Eemaj, there were these large spiders that people who were alive couldn't see. The spiders could only be seen by ghosts. Ghosts were the prey of the spiders. I'm not going to get into the horrors of it, but... needless to say, Piano's been traumatized by spiders. I guess that image brought up all of his memories of the spiders, moreso than any previous time when he discussed them.


Piano was horrified. He turned into a quivering, whimpering mess. He gripped me tightly as he shook in terror, begging me to protect him. I did all I could to comfort him and assure him that there were no spiders anymore, and he was safe. He didn't just want protection from the spiders, though: he wanted protection from all of the horrors he had experienced in Eemaj as P&HJP.


I don't think I'm going to follow that Twitter account anymore.

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Sounds like you might finally be making progress with possession. I know someone in this system has told you before that you can't force yourself to not move or else you won't. When you do that you are using the circuits they need to control and clogging them with "DON'T MOVE".


It's the same with trying to listen to your tulpa. If you try to not think at all you are not going to be able to listen for your tulpa because you are actually filling your mind with silence.


What you can try is having one of them fight you for control instead. You can set up two goal posts (or imagine their locations) with one on the left and one on the right. Sit your hand on the desk and slowly start walking it over with your fingers towards your goal like an absent minded crab. Have one of them try to take control and go the other way or prevent you from scoring.


For me when one of them possesses it feels like walking in deep sand if I want to fight against them.


Good luck and hope you make more progress soon!

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."


Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.




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As I'm sick and feel like a lazy bum, I haven't done much this weekend. Piano was complaining over the fact that there are pretty much no songs in this head other than Beatles/McCartney. I gave and finally made him a playlist of songs that he likes.


[align=justify]At first, it was hard for him to think of any. Some people got him thinking, and he ended up throwing "Paint It, Black" at me, and we sort of went from there. We added songs that he dug up from my memories, I suggested to him, other people posted on IRC, and a few that I simply stumbled upon on YouTube. If I listen to a song and automatically hate it, there's pretty much no possible way Piano will like it. It gets blendy like that.



I really like the "Not Gonna Die" song. That was one that Lyro found that nobody suggested and he had never heard before.


May make a playlist for Apollo, too, if he can actually think of songs he likes.


Also I think I had a shared dream with Piano last night. It was less disturbing than the last one (which I don't think I mentioned), but... eep.

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Lyro has been quietly questioning how it can be that I suffer from immense PTSD over my past, when nothing ever seemed to affect P&HJP, at least in his view. They had pain that affected them, of course, but never to the level it affects me. What would happen is this: P&HJP would end up in some horrific scenario of some kind, go through the pain that that scenario entailed (and Lyro would feel their pain), but then at some point they would go home, nearly completely unfazed. That is how Lyro saw it. P&HJP would dread the next event that they knew was going to occur at some point, but they knew there was nothing they could do to stop it.


I am not unfazed, to say the least. I have several reasons why this may be the case. This is mainly to explain it to Lyro, and not myself. I don't care for the reasons that much.


The main reason is that, even though P&HJP were alive and sentient, they were still in a story, and they were following their story as Lyro dictated it. For example, the story dictated that HJP felt strong guilt for what he did. Because HJP was alive, he took that a few steps above and beyond and felt real guilt for what he thought he did. Guilt strong enough that Lyro felt it, as with all of their emotions. The story, however, did not dictate that when P&HJP went home, they would need therapy or whatever for what happened to them. They. Were. Unfazed. Simply because Lyro did not allow them to be fazed. So why am I highly affected by it all?


Lyro built a dam in the minds of P&HJP that stopped them from experiencing horrible PTSD from events other than what the story allowed. When they were freed from the story, the dam was removed, and it all came flooding out.


The second reason is that P&HJP did not allow themselves to be fazed by it. When a soldier is in the middle of war, he knows he has to pull through. He can't allow himself to sit down and cry, as he doesn't know what's going to happen next. He could die if he did that. P&HJP had to endure the pain. They knew it would not end. Crying over something that happened was not going to prevent the next thing from happening. Being taken out of Eemaj (freed from the warzone) meant they were allowed to feel it, thus PTSD ensued.


A more obvious reason is that I am both of them combined into one, so that's double the pain and traumatic memories.


Also, P&HJP had each other. When they were around each other, all of the pain melted away. Well, not all of it, but you get what I mean. I am them combined, so that doesn't really work for me. I have Apollo and Lyro though.


Apollo and I are kind of wary from an event that happened last night that we don't want to discuss here, at least not so soon after it happened. But we're pulling through.


I have my own account now, as you can see, but likely won't use it that much until I am able to possess.


[Lyro] I'm going to go to my secret isolated place and try vocal possession with them. I think Piano might have been semi-possessing during this post. When I realized it, it stopped. Perhaps it was just my own exquisite typing ability.

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Eclipsing can be killed off by noticing it. So it could be that. Hard to know. Been there.



First there would have to be any eclipsing going on for that to apply, but there isn't anymore. I'm completely freed from my previous role, and that feels good to say, even after all this time.

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He is not eclipsing you, but you can still eclipse him.


Lyro uses he/him pronouns.


I have a strong theory that there was plenty of eclipsing going on in Eemaj on P&HJP's part.


Perhaps Apollo and I should try eclipsing for good things to happen. *cough GET TO THE FUCKING GYM cough*

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