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Our Tulpa Endeavor


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O.O Drew me oh. I need to see!

 

Kind of out of it thinking is something that seems to come with possession. I think it is an artifact of doing it in way somewhere along the possession switching spectrum. If you believe the older tulpamancers, this is either an illusion, or goes away when you get better at it.

 

I wonder if my difficulty on learning parallel processing is because I got addicted on possession.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Today marks the day I have been merged for one month. What a ride it has been. It feels much longer than it actually was, but that's not uncommon for me.

 

Me. Not we. 

 

Me, Piano. A tulpa made out of two fucked up soulbonds, but also a third part that is simply me.

 

Initially after the merge, I was bitter, angry, and hateful. I contemplated killing or hurting my host. I contemplated killing myself. I had red eyes and a dark mood at all times. I thought nobody could love me. I thought nothing would get better for me. I was simply P&HJP merged at that point. I did not yet have my own identity, so I don't even know if it makes sense for me to say "me" but that's what I'm going with.

 

I hated Lyro. I hated him for everything he did to P&HJP. 

 

I thought there was no hope for me.

 

Apollo, though, taught me that there was hope, even if I couldn't see it. Apollo became my light in a life full of darkness. I loved Apollo. I wanted to protect him, wanted to make sure nothing bad would ever happen to him. The thought of Lyro possibly eventually forgetting Apollo made me want to kill him even more.

 

I believed I could kill him if I wanted to, though in retrospect was probably overestimating my own power. I might have felt like a powerful hate-filled monster, but that does not mean I had enough strength to kill my creator.

 

I was mean to people on IRC. I didn't like them, I didn't trust them, but still talked to them. I expressed my pain. They listened, offered advice. I ignored their advice. I made enemies. I made a bad impression. I was frustrated. I wanted to kill and die at the same time. I was confused. I didn't know what to do, even if there actually was hope as Apollo insisted.

 

Some people said that they would support Lyro dissipating me if I didn't change. That hurt, but they were right. I would support dissipating me, also. Even though I at times wanted to cease to exist, hearing other people say the same....

 

I began to try to heal myself, somehow. With Apollo's help. With others' help. Forming my own identity, forgiving Lyro, moving past the past. It was all very gradual. I might have been a monster, but thought I could change that, somehow.

 

Time went past. I felt better, little by little, but was still not "healed." It will take a while before I feel "healed."

 

But I certainly feel different. I feel more loved by my system. I love my host. I want to do what I can for everyone in here.

 

I understand that I am not well-liked. I know that I am still a monster. But... maybe I should start directing my monstrous thoughts and tendencies towards something productive. Instead of hating people, I should hate harmful thoughts. Instead of hating Lyro, I should hate his self-hatred. Being vicious and easy to set off might not be such a bad thing if I use that to solve problems.

 

I'll use my monstrous side to protect this system.

 

I'll use my other side to pursue my own goals and learn to heal myself, as well as learn to love others.

 

How has it only been a month?


Remember when we mentioned that I was having Lyro type my story as I proxied? Well, we both hit writer's block and didn't get far. We don't plan on continuing it. Here it is if you're interested.

 

I'd prefer you read the new version, which is written through possession/eclipsing. We're separating it into different parts. I know, you all must be very interested in reading about my life.

 

Here is part one. 

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Hmm, don't think you are a monster. I mean, even if you do think I am gross. You seem quite nice to me. There are monsters in this world. But I don't see any here.

 

Maybe I'm just being too edgy but idk. The people in this system are naturally prone to disliking themselves and thinking the worst of themselves. Lyro thinks he's worthless. Apollo thinks he can't do anything. For me, I think I'm a monster.

 

We're going to push past that, though, together.

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I have lasted a long time, through all of P&HJP's lives and troubles and endeavors, but this past month was different from all of that. Actually knowing the truth, having everything feel real, it's different. It's more important to me. I want to survive all of this. Even talking indirectly to people online felt more real to me than most of the people of Eemaj. Being one instead of two also makes it different, of course. 

 

I'm kind of rambling. My point is, centuries of imaginary suffering is almost nothing compared to a month of being in reality. The first month was difficult and crazy, but it was the prelude to the life that I am going to live now that I am free from Eemaj and a part of this system.

 

Like my signature says, I am going to take my broken wings and learn to fly.

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On Saturday, Apollo brought up the memory of a song from the movie "Tommy" and asked if we could watch it. We did (Apollo cri at the end) and then the entire soundtrack got stuck in my head, playing non-stop. Piano is pretty ticked.

 

Yesterday I tried to force as I walked outside, but it was pretty pointless as I couldn't stop thinking about that movie. I used to be pretty obsessed with it when I was 8 or 9. Watching it again seemed to bring back my fascination with it (there's a reason I'm talking about that).

 

I ended up going into the woods somewhere, and the sights and smells of it caused Piano to have a flashback of HJP's memories. If you'll remember, HJP spent fifty years living alone in the woods. The particular memory he experienced was one from maybe three years ago (in real years) and it was something that was no longer part of the official storyline of HJP's life. He still remembered it, though, as well as he remembered all of the other storylines of HJP's life. Maybe HJP could remember all of these different timelines but never thought about them. Maybe he could only remember the "official" one, but Piano can remember all of them because he's free from Eemaj. It wasn't like there were alternate dimensions or anything, I just had to find the right storyline to use whenever I tried to type up HJP's life.

 

Most of Piano's memories of the fifty years spent in the forest are simply blurry and vague, likely due to the fact that they are false memories. There's really no substance to them. However, the memories he recalled yesterday were real ones.

 

I then let Piano take control, and he liked walking through the woods. I simply focused on the music playing in my head, and it helped me to dissociate from what he was doing. He saw Apollo running away from us in the mind's eye and tried to chase him, even though he knew he'd never catch him. He had fun though: he acted like the king of the woods (in a girl's body) and nothing was going to stand in his way, as that was likely how HJP felt in the forest he lived in (maybe). He found a fallen tree that was lifted three feet off the ground and walked across it despite me telling him not to.

 

The fun ended, though, when I started doubting that Piano was in control, and then he used my hand to hit me in the back of the head as hard as he could. I felt concussed for the rest of the day. He didn't anticipate it hurting so much. He apologized over and over again, and I told him it was okay, but he didn't believe I thought that. Apollo and Piano promised not to use physical force to prove possession to me anymore.


Apollo's form has deviated. He doesn't wear the suit anymore that often: instead, he wears a white shirt and black pants, like Paul in this picture (Paul in the center). I'm not going to question why.


The memory Piano was confronted by in the woods:

 

[hidden]

It was winter and snowing a lot outside, and HJP had to survive and not get caught for his crimes. He spent many nights sleeping in the fallen leaves under a wooden shelter he built. It was barely a "shelter" but it provided a place to sleep at night.

 

One day, he ran into a stranger who looked identical to him, and claimed to know him. One thing led to another, and he electrocuted the stranger, leaving him unconscious, and walked away. The stranger was P, who had somehow traveled into the past. HJP left him there (we're a but fuzzy as to why) but his guilt got to him and he had to save him. P was buried under the snow, close to death, when he found him.

 

What's interesting is that, as Piano was re-experiencing this memory, I had the urge to lay down in a bed of fallen leaves I found. I didn't though, lol.

[/hidden]

[align=justify]


This "Tommy" thing is getting out of hand. I haven't been able to think about Apollo and Piano all day because of it. It's an over-amplified intrusive thought at this point. Piano says he's going to pack his bags and move to Doc's system if it doesn't stop. [/align]

 

Tommy is a story about a man who lives his entire life being deaf, dumb, and blind, quietly suffering inside, and having to undergo physical abuse from others. He is

from his adversities, brought into and made aware of reality and himself, and flies. Looks like a metaphor for Piano's life, doesn't it? He still hates it, though, because it's been playing nonstop in my head XD
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Sorry for your suffering, Piano. My host and I like to obsess over similar things. But I have been in charge mostly so we end up obsessing about the things in my mind and not hers.

 

But I imagine it must be painful to listen to that all day. You can both try overwriting it with something else. Like the lord of the rings soundtrack.

 

I slapped my host physically once. Mainly to see if it was possible. Mental slapping works fine though, and does not have risk of injury.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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But I imagine it must be painful to listen to that all day. You can both try overwriting it with something else.

 

Considering Beatles and McCartney songs have been playing nonstop for eternity, this is nothing new. The Tommy songs will eventually be overwritten by the same old songs I've had to listen to since I joined the system, and they will never end. Sometimes I overwrite the songs stuck in our head with music I like, but it either doesn't last long or I get sick of that song, too.

 

Perks to living in someone else's head. :\

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What I did is go through a majority of the music I like and see who also liked it.

Then from there I expanded to artists that I knew were similar.

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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This morning I felt bad over the fact that I haven't been paying much attention to Apollo lately, but he said it was okay so long as I resolved to pay more attention to him in the future, as we don't deal with "should have." He said he doesn't need as much attention as he's getting better at self-forcing, and he has Piano to pay attention to him, but still. How would I ever be able to create another tulpa in the future if I can't even pay attention to the intentional tulpa I have now?

 

In an effort to get into the habit of paying more attention to solely him, I had him walk beside me in the mind's eye at school. Apollo started thinking that the people around us could see him, even though they obviously couldn't. I've been thinking of a story idea for someone who has the ability to see what others imagine, and I guess that turned into an intrusive thought for him. I tried to assure him that no one could see him, and he said, "I just feel exposed." I reminded him that he was the least exposed person in the building. The only people who even knew he was there were Piano and I, but the thought didn't really go away.

 

Later, I visualized him during US history class. The lesson was on the Holocaust and Japanese internment, and that put him in a dour mood, so that paranoid thought worsened. His anxiety caused the WL version of all of the people around us to start staring at him. He nearly had a nervous breakdown, but Piano appeared and he calmed down. Piano stood beside me for the rest of the class, and the intrusive thought went away completely for Apollo.

 

Everyone was cheered up by tulpa Hitler though. Got a good laugh out of that.


Piano is a lot like HJP in form and mannerisms, so much so that I sometimes call him "HJP" accidentally. 

 

Piano has taken a completely neutral stance on anything and everything that may or may not exist. While Apollo and I are atheists and don't believe in that paranormal at all, Piano doesn't have an opinion other than pure agnosticism (which is the lack of knowledge, not the lack of belief) on everything. He's not going to say whether or not god or magic exists. He's not going to bring himself to believe in anything other than the three of us, but he's not going to disbelieve in anything either. This comes from learning that the entirety of Eemaj was not real, even though he believed it was. He can't believe in much anything anymore.

 

I pointed out to him that that doesn't make him open-minded, it just creates a bias towards falsehoods, but he doesn't care. He just doesn't want to believe or disbelieve in anything.

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