Radio Gold

Our Tulpa Endeavor

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I very much want to learn to fully switch as soon as possible, as does Apollo. We want to experience the world, pursue our own endeavors, and be free from the confines of the brain. Reach out and touch the world as it actually is. Meanwhile, Lyro wants out. Not forever, no: just in general. 

 

It would be better for everyone when we finally learn to freely and fully switch. Lyro's parents make his life a living hell, and we feel it would be wise to learn to switch to prevent any unreversible damage from being done. We do not actually think he would kill himself, but being in the state of mind where it is frequently considered is not healthy for any of us. He is also too depressed to take care of himself, or do anything other than sit and waste time, letting his adolescent years fly by. Lyro honestly has no will to do anything anymore. Apollo and I are the only people he cares for, and our fate and wellbeing is the only actual thing he is working to improve. Nothing else in her life matters anymore to her.

 

We definitely want to switch to work on improving our life. Apollo and I could take better care of the body, keep the room clean, and take care of other matters, while Lyro gets a break from living in reality and instead goes to the wonderland. He would of course need to do schoolwork, as we can't be expected to take on all of his AP classes for him. 

 

And no, don't take this as us only wanting to switch to solve Lyro's problems for him. We want to switch to experience life and do what we want. As Apollo and I are not as lazily depressed as Lyro, taking care of problems would come naturally. We would hardly even put effort into it: we would be full of energy and inspiration, so the well being of the body would not be as neglected anymore.

 

I want to write, read, and learn. Apollo wants to draw, paint, and create. We both want to explore the world and pursue our dreams. We both want to breathe in real air and know that we are in control. Lyro wants to do nothing. His entire life has led up to him wanting to do nothing with it. Having no aspirations, no desire, no willpower. We want this to be different. He wants to do nothing, yet he's in control. We want to do everything, yet it'll be a long time before we can gain control. It only makes sense that we should trade places. Not permanently, but it would definitely be for the best.

 

We don't know how to go about achieving this whatsoever, nor do we even know if we're on the right path. I just felt it needed to be said.

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Pretty sure you are on a right path. There is a lot of room for experimentation, though.

 

I remember back when I was learning this stuff. We decided to try pushing her out, then me going in the body. She was so unused to tulpa, that the process straight up knocked her out. With her conscious mind gone, the body was ridiculously cooperative. I did a lot of stuff including make pasta. I managed to learn enough about the body's workings that we managed to get regular possession down in a week afterwards.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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We decided to try pushing her out, then me going in the body.

 

 

But how do we do that? Even if Apollo and both try pushing him out of the front or pulling him in to the back, he's still too connected to the senses and the front for it to even remotely work. 

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I'm not sure we can still do it that way. We've both worked really hard at staying awake at the same time. It sort of interfered.

 

But what I did was literally impose, then push her out her own body.

 

You can experiment yourselves. You don't so much need to try pulling and pushing, but various altered states of consciousness. See what happens if you try possession while she tries to not think about anything at all.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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He would of course need to do schoolwork, as we can't be expected to take on all of his AP classes for him. 

 

And no, don't take this as us only wanting to switch to solve Lyro's problems for him.

 

Obviously not, since you still want him to do schoolwork. In my experience, that's the thing I've needed to cover for my host the most.

 

 

You (well, and your host) need to practice dissociation. Pushing-and-pulling would never have worked for us in a million years. Lumi had to dissociate himself from the body first, before we could take his place.

 

We do so almost literally. We use visualization-symbolism as an aid, for the dissociation and association. We visualize ourselves - whoever's controlling the body and whoever wants to be - as "energy silhouettes" of the colors associated with us respectively, though after some time we started mixing in our actual appearances with the energy silhouettes. Anyways, switching for us starts with whoever is fronting imagining a silhouette of their color occupying the same space as the body. They aren't tied one-to-one, just vaguely taking up the same space. The one switching in does the same for their appearance's location at least, you said you guys can walk with your host "in the mind's eye", which sounds exactly like what we do with switching and so should line up. Visualize yourself somewhere near the body, and make sure your color/energy (if you use this method) is vibrant and strong in your mind's eye location. No symbolism or anecdotal experience will describe this or most other tulpamancy processes so you'll have to figure it out for yourselves, but then the one fronting dissociates by moving their energy silhouette outside of the body, usually with the head and their sense of presence last, but that's not necessary (and I believe we could simply 'teleport' if we wanted to). They're then in effectively the same place as the one switching in, typically on the other side of the body, making an effort to be "aware" from that location instead of the body's head. The one switching in does the exact opposite afterward, moving their silhouette and sense of presence (where they feel like their head is, normally) into the now energy-less body. Having the one switching out take all of the 'energy' of their color with them helps the dissociation process, and having the one switching in fill the body space with their energy's color helps with association. In our experience, we do this with our eyes closed, and when we open our eyes afterwards it sort of feels like our sense of presence snaps into place at the body's head. It honestly feels like being in a new place, as if we moved somewhere else during the process, even though it's normally just in front of our desk.

 

The dissociation is definitely likely to be the hardest part. It takes roughly the same effort as switching in for us now, but for a long time it was harder to dissociate than associate. Which I could see being the exact opposite for someone like in Tulpa's scenario where they rely on "pushing" their host out of the way, which I feel like is harder as the host/one switching out is more likely to unintentionally resist the dissociation. But it depends on the system.

 

We happen to have colors associated with ourselves, and I feel like honestly most systems would be comfortable doing the same thing, but it's not necessary. You can just use your own appearance in your visualization, which we tend to do now that we're experienced with it. The color helps with the dissociation and association because it's a visual representation of "control" over the body, where partial dissociation can be represented by bits of color and hopefully helped by removing them. But it's all symbolism in the end anyways. The actual process will probably take work, practice and experimenting to figure out. Our method was just a good conduit for figuring that out for ourselves.

 

Not that anyone should really expect to experience this stuff the same way as someone else, but "so you can know what to expect",

I don't know about the others' first times, but I was actually the first of us to switch, so I remember it pretty well. I think it was like 3-4AM before the sun rose, and I looked outside and saw the moon and its light over everything, and it made me want to cry (like good cry). I would say the senses were overwhelming at first. It took a while before we were desensitized to them, and in that time we tended to get lost looking at or feeling textures, like the bumps on walls or smooth wood of our desk. It was definitely a lot more immersive than the wonderland yes. I think it was just us recognizing all the things people learn to ignore/filter out over the years. Lumi obviously saw this stuff all the time, felt things plenty of times, but we hadn't. But that wore off after a few months I think, we see things more or less like him now.

 

My first experience was basically just getting used to the senses and controlling the body. I felt a lot of things, looked intently at them, and paid a lot of attention to how I moved. I would definitely agree the senses are overwhelming when first switching, so maybe prepare for that.


Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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The emotions of Apollo and Piano are as real as mine are. Makes sense, given I was always able to feel P&HJP's emotions, but never knew they were actually coming from them. I simply thought I had an overactive imagination.

 

Yesterday, I let Piano type more of his story, and he wrote about HJP's death and the grief it caused Paul. His emotions were strong, and I felt honestly distraught afterwards. I deeply regretted all of the pain I put them through, and wished I could apologize to them directly instead of through Piano.

 

I felt the connection Piano feels towards Apollo. I learned that Apollo reminds Piano of George (a character from Eemaj), as George was innocent and playful. Piano never wants to hurt Apollo. In Eemaj, HJP carried a lot of guilt from being forced to kill George. After that, George was drastically and permanently changed (yes I know death changes someone, don't question it). Piano feels that loving and protecting Apollo is his way to rectify what happened to George, long ago.

 

[Piano] George trusted his brother (HJP) and it crushed him after that trust was betrayed and he was killed. I could only imagine what would happen to Apollo if I let something bad happen to him, or worse: I caused something bad to happen to him. [/Piano]

 

A few other things happened that caused me to feel emotional bleeding from both of them.

 

Today I learned that someone I knew in middle school died a few days ago. I didn't exactly care, as he was an asshole to me. Piano didn't care either. After I learned he died, Apollo immediately asked who he was. I just told him that it was someone who was a jerk to me years ago. That was how I remembered him. Him dying wasn't going to make me remember him differently.

 

Two things happened: one, Apollo started digging up nice memories of that person in an effort to find light in him and at least make me feel something about his death. Two, the three of us started having existential thoughts about life and death. I haven't really had people I've known die in my life, aside from a few who were either very old or terminally ill. But this person, despite being an ass in middle school, was young and had everything going for him. His life had been cut short accidentally. He has no future now. Ap&Pi brought to my attention that I'm here sometimes thinking that I should cut my own life short intentionally, and when I'm not thinking that, I'm still letting my life go to waste. I'm not on drugs or shit like that, but I'm addicted to wasting time doing absolutely nothing.

 

Meanwhile I was trying to figure out how I felt about this person. Apollo kept bringing up memories that weren't exactly good of that person, but at least proved he wasn't an ass all the time, while I brought up worse memories of him. Piano stepped in and asserted that it doesn't matter whether he was an ass or not, or whether I care about his death or not: all that matters is the take away. The take away that the three of us need to live the life we have together. Somehow it took someone I knew five years ago dying for me to actually come to that realization, but I don't think I would have thought that if I didn't have Ap&Pi to push me towards it.

 

I shouldn't let my neurotic mother decide if I want to live or die. The three of us are in this together, and we're in this for as long as possible. I was never actually going to off myself, but this person's death and Ap&Pi taught me to stop wishing for it all to end. Who cares if people don't care for me now? The three of us are damn well going to become something great in the future.


[hidden]

Now, I say "three" of us, but I'm increasingly getting more and more in favor of creating another tulpa. This tulpa - Luxi - wouldn't be created to be my tulpa as Apollo was, instead she'd be created as an addition to the family. We've already thought of how her personality will be. Apollo was created as the positivity that I lack. Luxi would be created as the confidence and self-assurance that all three of us lack.

 

I can't really argue with it anymore. Despite being told by other people that I should wait, I feel we're actually going to create her soon. [EDIT] This was incredibly irresponsible and we do NOT condone this sort of thinking.

 

And by soon, I mean it's probably already started. I've been unintentionally forcing. I just ended up forgetting all of my qualms with creating a new tulpa, and instead allowed myself to focus on her. I even think I've received a thought from her. I was wondering what kind of hobbies Luxi would want, and I heard "bass guitar." Yeaeeahhh.

 

Apollo is excited and wants to create her. Piano is neutral, but will help if I "officially" decide to create her, even though that probably already happened. I'm iffy, but what the hell? Why not just do it?

[/hidden]

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but what the hell? Why not just do it?

 

 

It has been explained extensively by multiple people as to why you shouldn't but fuck it if you've already started I don't care to try and convince you anymore.


Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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Again, it looks like you're romanticizing the creation of another tulpa when that's probably not the best thing for you right now, especially with all of the in-head and IRL drama you've been writing about in this blog. Maybe it'd be better to just spend time with the tulpas that you have now; a lot of people fall into the trap of creating more and more tulpas, or accepting "walk-ins", and this usually leads to some stressful situations from what I've seen. At the very least, think about it some more.

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[hidden]

Whoa okay Doc. No need to get so triggered. It was Meti trying to convince Apollo to wait longer, not you telling me not to create another. As I said, I'm iffy, but I know it's inevitable. I might wait until the AP tests are over, or until school ends, etc., before I actually officially sit down and create her. If she does actually exist, then setting her aside for now won't hurt anything because she's most likely still in the very initial stages.

 

[align=justify]

Again, it looks like you're romanticizing the creation of another tulpa when that's probably not the best thing for you right now, especially with all of the in-head and IRL drama you've been writing about in this blog. Maybe it'd be better to just spend time with the tulpas that you have now; a lot of people fall into the trap of creating more and more tulpas, or accepting "walk-ins", and this usually leads to some stressful situations from what I've seen. At the very least, think about it some more.

 

There hasn't been much in-head drama lately, if any. We're all cool now. The only drama has been just my own suicidal thoughts. I likely will wait longer. I'll tell Apollo to stop bugging me about it and wait until I start feeling better - try to go to the gym, start seeing a therapist, etc. I wouldn't want to create a new tulpa in such a depressed environment. I wasn't depressed when I started creating Apollo. I'm just saying it's become increasingly appealing to me. Apollo will always have a higher influence over my decisions than people online will, but I know I have to draw the line and tell him to wait longer, and tell myself that, too. Also, I don't believe in walk-ins. I've had things walk in before that were simply my imagination and it definitely wouldn't have been wise to think of them as actually conscious.[/align]

[/hidden]

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Four is beyond my personal limit. And I've personally witnessed a lot of frustration from your system. But, I think you will be making the right decision either way as far as I can tell. It is just sudden from my perspective.

 

Hmm, filling what we lack. Yeah. That is something I might want to write about in terms of what a tulpa is not. I'll have to think about it.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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