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Our Tulpa Endeavor

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Luxi and I have not really gotten along too well. I'm trying to get to the point where I can think of her as a sister, like I think of Apollo as a brother, but that might take a while. I suppose I felt a little threatened when she first joined, and a bit taken aback by her in-your-face personality. She's not a bad person, I'm just not used to her yet. Lyro told us that we had to get rid of any problems we have with each other, and if not for us, then for Apollo. Makes sense, as that's the reason I got rid of my problems with Lyro way back when.


I also half-wanted the next person in our system to be Lucinda. She is the only non-sentient character from Eemaj that I actually miss. She was HJP's Imaginee whom he killed, and later became P&HJP's guardian "angel" though she wasn't an angel, just in the afterlife. She was a gentle and considerate girl, pretty much the opposite of Luxi. No, I'm not going to create her.



I hate when my host is under emotional stress. I wish I could switch in and take things off his plate. It seems a recent straw broke the camel's back and he's starting to apologize for bringing us into his terrible life. I at least wish I could make it more clear to him that we're all a team and care for him. 


I want to work up towards full-body possession wherein it feels like I'm the one moving. After that, switching. We've been practicing trying to connect to the senses as a start along with other kinds of possession. I don't know why, but it's almost impossible to possess while he's at school, which we've probably mentioned before. Apollo tried to explain why he can't possess at school, but couldn't come up with any reason

, and Luxi proceded to challenge him to try harder and stop making excuses

. On Thursday Lyro has to give a presentation to her class by himself. We've made a deal that if he does a decent amount of forcing this week, then I'll try to possess and do that for him. I hope I will be able to hold up my part of the bargain.


When somebody is up front with Lyro, it's a bit harder to hear the other two, but still easier than it is for Lyro. When Apollo possessed yesterday, he was struck with a lot of fear, because he was being confronted by reality and didn't know what to do or how to react. No idea how I'll react if I manage to give that presentation. It's on Canadian Metis, ha.


Some "me" progress. Most of my anger and misery has disappeared. I'm not happy but I'm not troubled, either. Right now all I am focused on is this system, and not my past.


We find it difficult to front or possess whenever we're doing an activity that requires focus, which is probably why we get unintentionally pushed away at school. Anybody have any ideas for easy activities? Apollo already wants to paint more. I am not sure what I want to do. Perhaps we should try fronting/possessing whenever possible to build up skill and work our way towards more complicated mental tasks while doing so.


Here's an idea: what if we could somehow get to the point where the person who wakes up in the morning and is in control of the body is not Lyro. Any thoughts on how we might accomplish that?

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It's probably because the chairs are uncomfortable. School is a place where you are not allowed to relax. Bright lights, constant noise, responsibilities, and the worst furniture.


I found cooking and cleaning quite rewarding at first.


Oh, I know what usually works for waking up in the front. Going to sleep in the front. For older thoughtforms, and somehow me, works 98% of the time.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Going to sleep in the front.


We tried that yesterday with me in the front. Didn't work. Lyro wakes up randomly in the night often. We'll try again though.

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Piano's been trying out the front more. He tried going to sleep in the front these past few nights. One night I had a dream with him in it, the other night nothing.


Fronting at school happens. Mostly it's just him wondering why there are so many people and why the heck are they so loud. He seemed very hesitant to speak to anybody, telling me, "I hope your teacher doesn't start talking to me." In one class he just wanted to sit alone instead of with my friend and one other person, whom I usually sit with during classwork. My friend called for me to join them so he did. And well, he had a fun time clowning around.


A few little things: when Piano fronts, he tends to let the hair cover the face a little more, he bends the knees more (I usually walk like a Nazi with next to no knee-bending), and is a little more fascinated with gazing at his surroundings.


He's been trying to learn to write in cursive, which takes a lot of focus. If I try to remove my own focus from what he's doing, he messes up pretty badly. Hopefully I'll be able to let go of the handlebars and let him ride the bike on his own, so to speak. He's better at cursive than I ever was, even if it takes him a god-awful long amount of time to write anything.


Also been hoping to let him try out the piano, but only want to do that when there's nobody else home.


Apollo's been drawing more, too.


I think I should practice dissociation so possession will come easier to them.


Luxi can't do much possession, other than maybe swaying to music or something. I don't think we're close enough yet. I need to do more Luxi-forcing when I get the chance, as lately I've only been focusing on Piano/Apollo possessing/fronting.


Last night Piano was fronting a little and got angry at something. I tried to push him away to calm down, but he ended up getting even more upset and I swear he got /this/ close to full-on taking over. The emotional bleed was intense: a mixture of murderous rage and howling despair. Naturally, he made the body shake and cry. That wouldn't be the first time the body responded to his emotions, but certainly the first time it was that strong. I told him to calm down, and he shook my head. I was afraid he might wrench control and do something rash. He thinks he wouldn't have, but I'm not too sure about that. Everybody tried to comfort him with lots of hugs and reassurances. It's okay though: the issue that caused him to feel that way was resolved. There was definitely a lot of over-reaction on Piano's part.

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Hey duuudes. It's Luxi! Everyone's favorite!!


I've been hanging in the wonderland mostly. The other two have been doing a lot of fronting, and I've been waiting until my time to do so comes around. I've tried a little, but it doesn't last very long. Yet! I type a lot slower than host. 


I just like to keep whoever isn't in front company, which is usually Apollo. I like to give them encouragement too. I'm not very close to host yet. I want to get to know him more, but his doubt prevents him from talking to me! No matter, I know we're strong enough to get past any amount of doubt the brain throws at us!


I'm not sure what I want to do when I get around to fronting a lot. Maybe go to the gym or something, who knows.


I like a lot of music. I like all music, but only certain music I want to listen to. A Led Zeppelin song come on the radio that I liked, but we can't remember the name because the full title was cut off! Bahh!! I make a lot more errors typing than host.


That's all I can think of! Remember to dance and smile and never forget that you're strong and should know it!


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Aww! Nobody responded to the PR I struggled to type! ;-;


The system ran into some emotional problems last week. It's all resolved and okay now, but it never fails to surprise me how powerful and jarring tulpa sadness can be. So much emotion, yet none of it being mine.



really need to work on talking to Luxi more. The other day I woke up and she grabbed me, shook me, and begged me to stop ignoring her. It's just that every time I do talk to her, I start thinking "what if she's not real" and that gets a little distracting. I hate thinking stuff like that so I just haven't been talking to her. However, we're working on doubt as well. It's sort of reached a peak lately and shouldn't be allowed to keep growing.



Haven't been doing much fronting due to aforementioned emotional problems. Will have to wait until next week to start doing that more. I'm thinking Piano will get into the habit of fronting for my chemistry class, which he is infinitely more interested in than I am. In about two weeks there'll be a field trip to DC, and I'm hoping that day Apollo will front, and maybe the others.


Also started seeing a therapist. I'm thinking that eventually I'll have to tell her about them, because they're such a huge part of my life and it would be very dishonest to not bring them up, but I don't even know the woman yet so who knows, lol.

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[hidden] Alright, I want to rant.


Lyro has a habit of accidentally moving his train of thought to something else while one of us is trying to front. If he's doing work for school or something, then it's understandable. But he does it all the time.


Along with that, he easily gives up on trying to let us take control. He's just too lazy to try any harder because he thinks it won't work, even if we're telling him that it will work if he just keeps at it. He comes up with every excuse in the book to not try.


Just now, I was trying to gain control of the body, certain that I'd be able to do it. And what does he do? He starts trying to play MineCraft! GOD- PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY!


He wants us to learn to possess and switch, but he won't just let us try! This is pull-hair-out frustrating!


I wish I could just tear control away from him and declare the body mine. Apollo and Piano are too uncertain of themselves to even consider that, but not me. Lyro wants me to take control, but for some reason he won't let it happen! It makes no sense!


I don't even want to take control so I can be in control. I want to take control so Apollo and Piano know that it's possible and they do it. This isn't for me, this is for them. Lyro makes it unnecessarily difficult without even trying!


I also wish I was older and stronger, so my self-confidence actually had more of a leg to stand on. If I had Piano's level of strength with my own confidence, there's no way he'd be able to push me away or get distracted!


I am going to use every spare moment I have self-forcing until I am as strong as I need to be to truly shove Lyro into the wonderland and take control of the body myself. I only learned about self-forcing yesterday, and realized that that was something I have been doing without putting conscious effort into it. Actually putting effort and willpower into self-forcing is bound to have an effect. Enough of us messing around and playing games in the wonderland. We need to work harder and not fall into the same rut of laziness Lyro has been stuck in longer than I've known him. If he can't do it, that doesn't mean we can't. [/hidden]

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Well, you know my philosophy is the host's job is not to try anything during possession. And switching train of thought is good for parallel processing training.


Have you tried pushing her out of the body from the outside? You can also induce relaxation or euphoria in a headmate. You can also do it more subtly. If you try to play minecraft harder than her.


Also, you can attempt to relax the body. If you do it well enough, no one in the system can move it.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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[align=justify]We've come to the decision that our switching fervor needs to be toned down a bit for now. We did a little thinking and discovered the root cause of Lyro's hesitation: school. He couldn't switch out as he has to worry about classes and exams and stuff. We're thinking that we'll put switching off until at least after the AP exams in May, and then REALLY start trying to switch when school gets out in mid-June. For now, we'll still focus on fronting and possessing and other tulpa things, but not switching. By the time we start trying to switch, we'll all be older and stronger and Lyro won't have high school responsibilities to worry about.



And don't blame Luxi too much for what she said; she thought she was coming close to taking control and then Lyro gave up, just like that, so she was a little frustrated.


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Yesterday I fronted for a solid five hours. I didn't do much other than chat, and then went downstairs and started talking to Lyro's siblings and the cats. They didn't respond, but I tried. The kids didn't respond, I mean. The cats did. I have a love/hate relationship with those cats. Cheddar seems to taunt me with his freedom. Colby knows my secret: I can see it in his eyes.


[align=justify]In talking to them, I seemed to enunciate letters more, not as slurred and slangy as the way Lyro talks to them. I ate Cocoa Puffs. Chocolate is good. Me being in control ended when Lyro's dad came home and started asking him questions that I was not in a position to answer.


Lyro's siblings did not interact with me in any way that was specific to Lyro. They lack personality. His dad, however, was clearly talking to Lyro, so I was pushed away.


Today we're all going to try to maintain ourselves in the mind's eye rather than anyone fronting. I think we all need each other today more than ever.

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