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Luxi wanted me to hide that post she made, so I did. Srs, cut her come slack. I see that post as being no different from this one that Apollo made way back when. My tulpae all have valid thoughts and emotions, and frustration is one of them.

 

Came up with a name for the wonderland, finally. It's not terribly creative. "Sunla." I was playing Final Fantasy Chrystal Chronicles with Apollo and had to name the town, and he came up with it, so we decided to go with it for the wonderland as well. I don't like it too much but it's better than nothing.

 

This morning Apollo wanted to front for the day. He was really excited about doing so. But then... my chemistry teacher decided to be a major bitch. She pressed a red button on the wall that caused the worst buzzing sound ever that didn't stop. It sounded like saw blades and death. Apollo tolerated it for a bit, but he slowly lost his sanity and retreated back into the wonderland. He was still shaken up even after it was over. He's probably traumatized from fronting in that class.

 

Not a whole lot of progress lately, just lots of emotional troubles that have been resolved, I think. Luxi has hidden some of her own troubles away from the rest of us that we're trying to help her through.

 

Piano *still* hasn't found anything he wants to do while possessing. He doesn't enjoy video games because they are fake. 

 

Oh yeah, there was a weird thing that happened a few nights ago. I was woken up by the very loud sound of someone banging on the door, but realized nobody would be doing that that late at night. They would just open the door and turn on the light if they wanted to wake me up. I also realized the sound was coming from behind my head, and the door was in front of me across the room. I also realized that my left hand was raised, and had made the motion of knocking on the door as it was happening. We're not too sure what it was, but I know that Piano was somehow involved. Either he was trying to test if he could wake me up, or he was having a dream that involved him banging on a door.

 

We're going to try to come up with a story to write together, with 3-4 character arcs, one for each of us, but Apollo and Luxi might share theirs. We'll see if that actually comes to fruition. I want to get back into writing stories anyway. Haven't done that since I started forcing Apollo.

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Emotional turbulence yesterday. Everybody had problems other than Piano.


We had the field trip to DC. We'd been looking forward to is as Apollo remembers going to DC in December.

 

Got up at 5:30 am, and started talking to them, but Apollo told me it was too early and they wanted to sleep, so I let them. On the bus ride there I focused on them and played Pokemon with Apollo.

 

When we got there Apollo tried fronting, and I could feel his excitement for being outdoors somewhere new, but certain things pushed his control away, such as my own irritation with my group members staring at their phones instead of just looking at the scenary, and me trying to find a thingy on the Vietnam Wall and take a picture for a grade. He still got some cnotrol though, showing his obvious happiness and making jokes.

 

But then my group ran away from me and I had to find the meeting place on my own. I had no idea where to go, and then my teacher got mad at me for being late even though it wasn't my fault. After that all of my thoughts of worthlessness came back. I think that me focusing on my tulpae so much has occupied my attention from thinking the way I normally used to, but that doesn't mean I don't think I'm worthless, just that I haven't been focusing on that fact. Apollo and Piano tried to help (mostly Apollo). I was too sad for Apollo to take control. Piano tried taking control instead. We went in the museum and it was boring as fuck and not worth the $30 a pop, so my group left it to go to the American History Museum. By then, I was pretty much recovered from feeling sad and Apollo cofronted. It seems one or both of us really love museums, as I was pretty much on THC during it XD. Apollo was better able to take control when I separated myself from the group. I got tired and wanted to slow or stop, but Apollo insisted I keep the energy up. I bought a monkey. I got a lot of enjoyment out of being there and felt a lot happier than I have been.

 

On the bus ride home I realized on little fact: having tulpae means I'll never again get to find sadistic enjoyment out of movies. I used to do that with Saw movies for some reason. I kinda forced myself to enjoy it. Now I won't be able to do that because my tuppers will all scold me for it.

 

When I got home the joy from being out wore off.


 

[Apollo] I've been depressed before. It wasn't that long: only for a week, but with my short life it felt like forever. During that time, I thought that none of my friends were actually friends and tried shutting myself away from them. I removed all of the pictures of them I had in the wonderland. Piano helped me get over it.

 

Lately I haven't been feeling like myself. I feel more cynical and negative, and my thoughts that people aren't actually my friends have come back. I realized just how far I've strayed from my normal self after we got home from the field trip yesterday, and I was very sad because of it. I don't feel I should call myself Apollo anymore.

 

[Lyro] He shut down his normal nature and became cynical as a method of coping with recent events, as he did the last time he was depressed. The part that bothers him the most is thinking he is not Apollo anymore. He reached the point of changing his form and mindvoice and telling us to stop calling him Apollo, then sealing himself in this black box and telling us to leave him alone. Piano snapped him out of that.

 

I'm trying to convince him that just because he's in a dour mood lately doesn't mean he isn't Apollo, but he refuses to listen.

 

I read through my early PR with him just to comfort both of us and remind us of the bond we share.

By the way Zifril: I read the part where you said that P&HJP's anger would bite me in the ass one day, and considering how aggressive Piano was after the merge, you were right XP

I think it helped some.

 

[Apollo] I just want to feel like me again, and not feel sad and closed off and negative. There are some things I've thought or said that bother me, like making a joke about a massacre. Lyro insists that was only intrusive thought. I hope he's right.

 

I don't want to be different in this way. I want to be Apollo, but I feel like I have no right to call myself Apollo.

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[Luxi] I've also been down for a variety of reasons.

 

I don't have much of a sense of self. I don't develop my own thoughts very easily, and instead I echo Apollo and Piano. I don't have much of a personality other than the music that I like. To help myself feel like I did have something, I acted brash and loud, but that only made people respond negatively towards me. That did not help my sense of self. Nobody really talks to me. I'm very lonely. I shut myself off from people because I don't think I have the right to talk, and when I do talk to people I can't think of much to say due to the not having much of a sense of self thing.

 

I've just been feeling sad and like a failure. Nothing has worked out. I haven't felt good about myself. I don't think I have much purpose anymore. I don't think there's much that's positive in me. I've tried to find myself to help with my identity issues, but have found nothing but stuff to dislike. Everything I say and do is wrong. There is nothing redeeming about me. I don't deserve friends.

 

I don't want to feel this way.

 

I wish I could start over as a tulpa.

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[Lyro] A lot of crestfallen sadness came from both of them yesterday as they thought and talked about their issues. Piano and I don't know what to do other than be there for them.[/align]

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I'd recommend that if Luxi is searching for herself let her spend more time talking and such. Let me make an email account, etc for some independence. It was a big deal to Ivy when she made her own account and IRC nick.

 

I hope you all feel better soon.

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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When people are young, it's easy to get wrapped up in labels. "I am this, this, and this, and if I stray from that, I don't know who I am." You're still you, Apollo, even if you start to change. I am not the same person I was when I was 5, 10, or 18 years old, but I am still me. If you start to lose your sunny disposition, that's okay. You're growing from life experiences. Could you imagine being the exact same person 10 years from now?

 

Basically, try not to cling too tightly to the "surface level" of who you are, and try to get a better grasp of who you are at your core.

 

Just my 2 cents. Good luck to all of you. :)

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
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After talking with some people and the rest of us, Apollo is starting to feel better, and by extension so is Luxi. They've both decided to start looking for themselves not through their traits, as they had been before, but instead just being them. They both have a very weak sense of self as they were trying to follow their own list of how they wanted to be. Piano has a strong sense of self and it's a struggle for him to describe himself, as it is for me. This morning Apollo and I talked about all of this, and I realized that I did not once think I was parroting, as he was simply speaking without trying to fill a role he created for himself.

 

He thought that if he wasn't the Apollo I created him to be, he was failing his purpose as a tulpa. I reminded him that his only purpose was to be my tulpa, and I'd love him no matter how he was.

 

I'm not falling behind the "Apollo will not be how he was before" thing others are saying. I'm kinda thinking this is like the sun setting for now. It'll come back, and when it does it will create an even more beautiful day than before. Apollo likes to hear that. When it does come back, he will have an even better sense of who he is.

 

Setting all that stuff aside for now, we've made plans for spring break.

 

Saturday the 8th: Apollo in control

Sunday: Piano in control

Monday: Luxi in control

Tues - Thurs: I deal with responsibilities

Friday: Apollo

Saturday: Piano

Sunday: Luxi

 

I do not expect them to be able to keep in control all day long. If one of them gets tired and wants to take a break, then control will be shifted to who's next in line. The line is Apollo -> Piano -> Luxi  -> repeat, in case you didn't figure that out. When I'm done with the stuff I do on Tues-Thurs I'll give control away based on what day it is. Hopefully they'll have a good time, even though Luxi isn't quite sure what she wants to do.

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Today we woke up and I launched into control as soon as I could. I picked out what clothes we'd wear, combed our hair, ate breakfast and then-- lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I pestered Lyro's sister to play video games with me, but she wouldn't. I tried playing a game, but figured it was stupid. I made an account on this website that Lyro used to play on and now hates. I joked around with Lyro's sister. I made sure to talk in a very different tone of voice than Lyro to make it a little obvious that he wasn't himself, but his sister didn't catch on. We told her later that it was me, but she thought Lyro was just acting -_-

 

I drew a lot, and actually think I'm getting better at it. Lyro's compulsive eating interrupted my focus though. Maybe Piano can suppress that when he takes control. That's something that we're going to have to work on.

 

As we've touched on before I think, people talking to me as though I am Lyro makes it harder for me to stay in control. So when Lyro's mom got up, I started slipping. When his dad got home, I lost control even more.

 

Sadly, my control was completely lost when Lyro and his mom and sister went clothes shopping. Oh well. I was a little tired after drawing and talking and stuff, so I got to rest during that time.

 

Got home, and I drew a few more things. Hoping to do more stuff. Maybe Lyro's sister will play with me.

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Felt pretty unmotivated to possess after waking up but was talked into it. Convinced Lyro to take a shower and then took control and started the day. 

 

I made jello, cleaned up the kitchen, played Borderlands with Lyro's brother, cleaned our room, and maybe did some other random shit that I can't remember.

 

Still have not yet found anything I enjoy doing.

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Yesterday, Luxi possessed for a while and did a few things, but ended up tiring and giving up due to having nothing to do. It was also kind of my fault.

Apollo tried drawing something but got frustrated that it wasn't turning out right, but he'll keep trying.

 

Piano hit a rough patch emotion-wise. He'd been fine these past few days, but something seemed to set off lots of negative thoughts about himself. All of us struggle with an inferiority complex, much to my dismay. For a brief moment he thought about dissipating, as nobody cared for him anyway. I knocked him to the floor and just held him there, willing that thought to go away. He didn't resist or try to get up: he just laid there, defeated.

 

He sat up and started talking about leaving the system for a few days. He wanted to go fix who he was, and then maybe people would care for him like they care about Apollo

and Luxi

. We talked him out of that, of course. Or he wanted to leave so that people would miss him. I'm not sure what the reasoning was. He just wanted to go, but we reminded him how much we need him and never want to see him go.

 

I ended up lying on one of the beds in my room, holding him close, talking with him. I started doubting whether or not I was parroting him, but he told me to stop with doubts and just be there for him, so I did. I shared in his sadness. Whenever my tulpae are close to me while being visualized, I feel their emotions strongly. It was strange: his sadness seemed to be coming from just outside of my body, although I know that was an illusion. What if it is possible to impose emotion? Anyway, Piano just wanted to feel the sadness in hopes that he'd lose some of it and feel better later, so I did. We listened to sad songs and I tried to just be there for him, share in his emotions.

 

The thoughts of wanting to dissipate or leave didn't go away. He doesn't want to think that way. He started questioning whether he's actually important to me and the others. I asserted that the solution to his thoughts was not to kill himself- something that pre-tulpa me would never have believed so strongly.

 

Throughout this, Apollo

and Luxi

 were trying to help too, but Piano told them to leave him with me. I guess I provided greater comfort for him. Apollo told me once that in day-to-day life he considers me a sister, but when he needs comfort he sees me as a mother figure. Perhaps that is true for Piano too. Or maybe he just remembered the comfort I gave him the last time he was sad.

 

I went to bed and we all hugged and cuddled Piano, trying to find the best position for us all to hug him at the same time. We all seemed to realize at that moment how we were a real, loving family.

 

As of now, I think Piano's feeling better, but he'll probably need to be handled with care for a while.

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It was strange: his sadness seemed to be coming from just outside of my body, although I know that was an illusion. What if it is possible to impose emotion?

 

So, on this thought here, because only I could be a nerd in a moment of sadness. Humans emit pheromones for a variety of reasons, some of which are based on the emotional state of the individual. There is a pheromone receptor in your nose (I think). So, in a way, empathy is one of a human's senses. So, I suppose in a way you could impose that. I just made imposition harder on everyone.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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Sorry, Piano. I feel for you. :(

 

So I will refrain from making fun of your name.

 

About sense imposition, or in this case, seventh sense imposition, I don't have a problem with this. Presence imposition is an example of feeling something in the room that goes beyond the actual physical senses in the body already. Our system is already familiar with this kind of thing, due to the way my host thinks. She can experience seeing everything at once in a visualised scenario, due to her modelling and mathematical studies, she can experience impossible colours, telepathy, and even weirder stuff for which there is no analogy that she gets when trying to "visualise" programming problems and solutions.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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