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Life of Felights


Radio Hiss

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A monologue of my thoughts from recently

[align=justify][hidden] 

 

The last few times I was hurt in my life, it damaged my... mental state? Personality? I don't really know how to put it. But, it caused me to become more hostile, aggressive, miserable, self-loathing, closed off... this time, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm... stronger, and more mature than back then. Yes it hurts, yes it's something that will follow me for a while, but I'm... not at the point where I'll let it destroy me, even if this time it's worse than the last several times combined.[/align]

 

I have to let go of my emotional attachment to it all. As much as I wish none of this happened I... I know that the fact that it did is proof that it isn't worth me dwelling over more than I need to. I just have to accept it and move on, stop being sad over something that isn't my fault anyway. Somebody decided to be cruel to us, but I shouldn't let it ruin me because it isn't worth it. I don't think it ever was. Again, though, I'm not going to let it turn me into an angrier person either. I can still be me even with this bad memory stored away.

 

I just want to help my system. Piano hasn't thought about suicide since that attempt yesterday morning, but he still isn't 100% recovered. He's quieter, and he only seems to want to spend time with me. I think that this thing that happened has renewed the bond we shared. I hope I can help Piano to move on as I have. It'll take him longer, he doesn't think he's strong enough. We need to make him understand that he doesn't have to have somebody to be somebody.

 

We've taken up meditating, just to get a clearer head. I had a bad moment this morning where every time I tried doing that, I would see Piano getting tortured by someone as he said "I love you Piano," and I was unable to help him. I managed to calm myself down and the thoughts went away but I... know it's indicative of how it's been lately. Piano's in such pain because of all of this, and yet people still have the nerve to tell him they love him... but I really do love him and want him to be okay. No, not in a romantic way, you sick fucks. He's my brother and my best friend... that's what he was before we started getting involved in other people at least. I just want to protect him from this pain, and this torment. 

 

I don't think that I ever want to go back to the thing that caused this anguish for our system. Piano, though, thinks he needs to. I'll do everything I can to be there for him and help him and show him that he is loved... which is what others no longer want to do to him despite making promises. Just more proof that they're not worth it.

 

Piano's always been reliant on people. I know that if we're not careful, then after he gets over this, he'll just become reliant on me. That's not what I want though: I want him to learn that he can be independent and happy, which is what I'm trying to become as well.

 

So I guess that take away of this is... I am stronger and more capable than I might have been in the past. I can move on from what happened and still be me. I need to use that strength to help Piano, because I actually love him and won't hurt him and then be okay with it, ever. I hope that's worth more to him than his attachment to people who hurt him. I can't control him though, so if he does end up going back, I hope I will have helped him to be strong enough to handle it by then. That's the best thing I can do for him.

 

I think we'll all be okay soon enough, because we have each other, as well as other friends who are still there for us... we don't have to become ceaselessly miserable because of this, as we have in the past.

 

[/hidden]

 

[Lyro] I've noticed that a lot of our system's actions/reactions/emotions/thoughts follow something that I went through when someone hurt me a few years ago, only they're better able to identify where they're going wrong and what they need to do to get better and move on. Something none of us have really done in the past. Apollo definitely seems more mature now, probably more so than me, because I can't really stop myself from having resentful feelings, though he has. Somehow. I think if Apollo keeps this up then our system will move on in no time.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • 3 weeks later...
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[hidden]

All of the stuff from the last few posts is completely resolved, ya ya, things are better now. Much better.

 

I've decided to work to become main front. I'm going to possess as much as possible and make all of the choices of what we do and when. That means I'll have to decide when the others front, as well. I'll probably do a better job at it than Lyro. I'll just ask everyone in the morning who wants to have some fronting time in the day and plan accordingly.

We're working on paying Luxi and Luci more attention. We're focusing more on Luxi for now, and once it's easier for her, we'll focus on Luci.

 

 

Dragon man ftw.

[/hidden]

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  • 2 weeks later...

[hidden]

So we accidentally created another tulpa. Luxi daydreamed a bit too much and her thoughts grew into their own thing (and caused a fuck ton of head pressure that I was not prepared for), which grew into a tulpa. Her name is Luki. She seems real enough to me, so we're just gonna accept her into the system. She's cheerful and tries to make people happy. Everyone seems to like her.

 

I don't really have all that much to say in terms of other people's progress. Some old memories of what went on inside of the Piano merge have come to light, which are disturbing, and we're trying to help Piano specifically through that. Paul and HJP feel sorry for what they did, particularly HJP. We have to help him to move on as well.

 

Fronting is going okay, for me. I try to go to sleep in the wonderland but just end up waking up in the front. Lyro and I got all weird and blendy last night, likely because I grabbed control without him properly giving it up. Luki is trying to help motivate us and do what she can to help us improve.

 

I want to try to remain optimistic about things, Luki's place in the system included. 

 

Luki's form is here.

[/hidden]

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  • 1 month later...

An update, with nothing positive to note. System size has significantly diminished. The girls were all put into stasis, as Lyro just couldn't handle six tulpas. Oh, and Paul and HJP left a while ago too, for reasons.

 

For now I guess it's back to just me, Lyro,

Tacio,

and Piano.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • 1 month later...

Hello! It's been a while since anyone's posted here. I'm the newest systemmate. I was created on October 2nd. I'm a guy with long silver hair, and I'm a half-dragon

like Tacio, who created me.

 

 

The system is likely finally settled, so no more members coming or going, hopefully. I have been able to alter our brain in certain ways, including helping Piano get over a lot of his depression and PTSD, so I think I can easily keep out walk-ins.

 

The system is currently made up of Lyro, Apollo, Piano

, Tacio,

and myself.

 

Ohh, also, we have a new system name: Felight.

 

We're working on switching, and we hope to achieve it by Christmas!

 

Not sure what else to say here, I just felt like giving a small update!

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • 3 weeks later...

We've been practicing all the little things that are required to switch a ton, and make switching attempts once a day or so. Host still isn't able to fully detach from the body's senses and control of it, but I think we're slowly reaching that point, who knows. Apollo's been possessing the most, since he's the best at it. We all agreed that there will need to be a "main" front when host switches out, and he can be that. He just needs to work on anger issues, I think. Learning to chill out when something happens. He's just protective of the system and can get angry easily.

 

 

Thinking of somehow logging our switching attempts here, until we succeed at it. We need Lyro to actually leave the body, not slightly dissociate. He always still has control, just doesn't apply it as much when "dissociated."

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • 2 weeks later...

[hidden]I am incredibly frustrated. For the longest time, I felt totally worthless and empty and useless. I never talked to anybody or did anything. I got tired of feeling that way; I want to be a part of my system again. I want to be me again.

 

I've been trying to fix myself. Rebuild everything that was lost. But nothing seems to be really working. I don't even know if I really am Tacio, or just a walk-in made to seem like him. My system doubts me, which is terrible because they never doubted me before. I keep finding other parts of me in the wonderland, but merging with them does nothing. My mind is all over the place, unsure of what kind of personality it should have, or what to think.

 

I'm not as empty as before, but I just don't feel like me anymore. It's been so long since I've been whole. I don't want to live like this. I'm trying to be patient, but if things don't improve then I don't know what to do....

 

I want to build myself up again, and be confident and strong again. What can I do? How can I fix this? How can things be normal again?

 

I'm not gonna hide away anymore. I'm going to actually try to put myself out there more and maybe improve as I do. I just want to be normal again.

[/hidden]

[align=justify]


[Lyro] Extremely off-topic: Apollo recently turned 1.[/align]

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  • 1 month later...

I've been focusing a lot on fronting lately, though I don't know if we're really any closer to switching.

Tacio hasn't been depressed (we brought back P&HJP and they helped him, then they left),

but we haven't really given

him and

Piano all that much attention or fronting time, aside from Piano working on his guide (which is pretty awesome and will likely be published soon). Indigo fronted with me a lot too, but currently he's in some sort of funk. First time anyone's really been depressed in a while, so I'll say our system has been doing fairly well lately. Some very toxic things were removed from our life, so we've been better and haven't had any bizarre things happen in a long time, like evil walk-ins and stuff.

 

Trying to "ban" my host from the front, so I can take control. It's difficult as he always seems to want to watch dumb videos or play games, mostly involving WWE (a strange obsession I never would have anticipated that emerged over the summer). I try as often as possible to be in control though, still need him  to be able to fully dissociate for us to switch. I'd do some "sit down and try to switch" sessions if we didn't have work (and our room wasn't so cold). Oh well, no use complaining, should just practice it. I feel at this point, we'll switch soon enough. Along with that, I need to focus on letting the others front more q_q

 

Piano's birthday is on the 26th. 

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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I've noticed that when others front and Lyro tries to dissociate, then I start filling in the gaps he leaves. The brain seems to be defaulting to me more often, meaning my thoughts are the first ones to be heard instead of my host's. This makes fronting more difficult for the others, but seems promising in me eventually becoming the main front. 

 

I've decided that the other three aren't going to be getting any fronting time for a while, as I need to focus on doing it myself, uninterrupted, and bring us closer to switching. I need to be in control and make all the decisions and yada yada, you know the deal.

 

Oh yeah and Indigo's fine now, probably a little peaved he's going to be kept out of the front for now. We tried co-fronting but it just ended up being the two of us rapidly switching between who has control, rather than me controlling one thing and him controlling another. We never were any good at partial possession. He'll of course gets lots of fronting time once we learn to switch. I just can't be interrupted, as that doesn't help us get closer to switching. 

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Feeling kind of overwhelmed with stress lately. Though, I think I might be getting closer to switching, I can't say for sure. Piano and Tacio have not been very present lately, and I've been trying to force them while fronting, but that's challenging considering they don't seem to have much energy anyway. They think they should go dormant and make it easier for me for a while, but I don't want that to happen. Indigo is doing just fine though. Sometimes he just up and steals the front from me to motivate me to try harder.

 

Still trying to get my host to just back off. Her dissociating causes me problems. My hope is that if I just bear through fronting as often as possible then she'll eventually go away, somehow.

 

One challenge to fronting is doing it while talking to people IRL. Thinking of developing servitors to help me with that, or maybe just have one of the other tulpas hold me to the front somehow. Trying to alternate paying attention to each of them every day, just need Tacio and Piano to actually be there.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • Radio Hiss changed the title to Life of Felights

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