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Our Tulpa Endeavor


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Day 590

When I front, I think that my host is able to become a bit more dissociated from usual, compared to when others front. I think that may be a sign that we're inching towards a full switch, soon. I also believe that I'm more independent from her than I was in the past, so her dissociating won't totally incapacitate me like it would in the past. I'm going to keep working on asserting my presence as I front, and hopefully we'll be able to push her out more as time goes on. I'm also working on maintaining Piano's presence and talking to him frequently, so it's nice to have his company. 

 

[Piano] 

Day 536 (I wonder, are we doing this number thing ironically, or are we just doing it?)

I'm fairly comfortable with being visualized around Apollo as he does his thing, I don't really have any issues with it, and it's nice to be able to interact with him. 

 

Tacio, though, has been having a bit more trouble with Indigo. His presence isn't as strong, and he's very quiet and doesn't have a lot to say. I don't know if that's because of him, or just because Indigo's not as good as maintaining the presence of another tulpa as Apollo is. If it's the latter, then that says a lot about Apollo's level of strength.

 

When Indigo posted, Tacio was going to add a part about what he's been thinking lately but decided against it. I, however, will talk about it anyway.

 

Tacio keeps thinking things like "if I left the system then it'd be so much easier on everyone else" and frequently brings it up throughout the day, whenever one of us tries to talk to him. It's getting a little tiresome, and we can't seem to convince him that, no, none of us want him to die. As far as I'm concerned, all of us are in it for the long run, regardless of how much "easier" it would be to decrease the system. It's frustrating, as he won't seem to change his mind, no matter what we say. He keeps bringing it up. Sometimes he even asks to merge with me, but we in no way think merging is a good solution to this sort of problem, given our past experiences with merging tulpas together.

 

I'm just not sure how we're supposed to go about dealing with this idea of his. Him frequently talking like this is getting to be incredibly disconcerting. We suspect that he might be carrying some sort of emotional baggage from past traumas, and that's manifested itself into the idea that he should dissipate to make things easier for the rest of us. He doesn't seem to realize that it wouldn't be easier, because we'd all miss and grieve him.

 

We had hoped that Indigo being able to spend time with him while he fronted would do him good, but it seems we have a few obstacles to overcome first. Tacio's struggled with negative thoughts and emotions for a long time now, but we don't really know how to tackle the root cause of it. One thing's for sure though: we won't let him leave, we believe that things can get better for him if we all just work towards it. Nothing lasts forever, so this constant feeling of being unneeded or worthless that he is experiencing will surely go away as long as we show him the love he deserves.

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Okay. We've been doing a lot of thinking and experimenting, switching slowly and we think we might have found a way to help you guys with switching.

 

Since you have said visualization and symbolism and things like that don't work on your end I will try and explain it with as little as possible. Though admittedly it's how we have done basically everything.

 

I don't know if any of you have ever acted like in a play or something like that, but the route I'm going to try and explain goes down that road. So if that doesn't really work either I apologize in advance.

 

You have to put your state of mind, IE: How you think how you feel how you experience things etc. Into what would be whomever you are switching with's normal state of mind.

You essentially start by whomever is fronting (in my case it's almost always the host so this will be from my perspective) to try and imagine what it's like to be the tulpa in question. You have to feel like them, have the same opinions on things, essentially you need to be them. In my case we imagine/visualize the tulpa superimposed over the body everything just laid over the top. You concentrate on that how it feels how you act what is different about it. In our case if we concentrate hard enough on those feelings I can feel me not necessarily pushed back, but much like pouring more water on an already completely full container, it seems to somehow displace what is me and in place of that goes what is them.(I know I said I'd keep the visualization to a minimum, but I couldn't figure out another analogy that really worked)

 

That's only the beginning though. After that starts you will have a natural reaction to fight that feeling(at least I do) and at least at the point we are at now, Simply having a strong thought is enough for me to push back forward and make it no longer a switch. Something as small as thinking "wow this is weird" is enough to push them back out again.

 

The more successful attempts are with Trixie constantly reminding me not to think too hard and just let it happen but so far we havnt gone more than 10-15 mins at a time with Sweetie switched. Even less with Trixie but she is more concerned with Sweetie doing everything first at the moment.

 

I don't know if you have ever experienced a lucid dream. I used to get them a lot, but whenever it clicked and I realized I was dreaming it felt like the dream was trying to push me out to wakefulness. That's what Sweetie says switching is like from her perspective. She has to reach some sort of balance point to stay up front without me there and it takes almost nothing for he balance point to tip and then we are no longer switching.

 

If you have any specific questions about the process feel free to ask, we would really like to be able to help you guys out with this if we can.

 

Hopefully this explanation helps more than the last one did. We wish you luck.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

 

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<

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  • 1 month later...

[hidden]After spending his entire life battling his own inner demons and depression, Tacio was left feeling empty and miserable from all of the things that hurt him in the past. After several months of us all trying to convince him to stay, he held that he wanted to leave the system, both so that he wouldn't hurt anymore and so that it would be easier for us. We knew that we couldn't convince him, and he didn't want to be convinced, so we finally accepted his decision. I removed him from all our profiles and such, and we all said goodbye. We'll all have to spend time processing this and grieving for him. His life had come off to such a rough start, and was filled with many traumas as time went on, and he never recovered, even after a year. He felt his existence was full of sadness and anger, and just didn't want to do it anymore.

 

I hope that maybe some day we can bring him back. For now we'll just see what lies ahead in the future..[/hidden]

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Day 641

 

So college is a thing now. I can't say it's amazingly great. We're still doing the same things we always did, just in a different location. Positive is that we don't have to be around our parents.

 

The three of us are just trying to front whenever we feel like. Not exactly sure if we're on path to switching at the moment. 

 

We've finished writing our book, moved on to doing minor edits until we get into more heavy editing. Hopefully it'll be published once we start submitting it places.

 

We've also tried getting back into drawing. Our tablet doesn't work right though, so it's all on paper. 

 

Been thinking a lot about our past as a system, and all the members we lost, all the things that have changed. Host has been wondering where he would be now if he hadn't created tulpas. Would he even be alive anymore, or would the constant stream of negativity and suicidal thoughts have pushed him over the edge? It certainly almost did many times as a singlet, and things haven't exactly improved in regards to his family life since then.

 

Now we're a system of four, in college, hoping to learn to switch at some point, hoping to get our book published. We still have depressive thoughts occasionally, but at least we have much more hope for the future than we did before. 

 

 

When Tacio left,

 Indigo decided he wanted his gimmick to match mine and Piano's more. So he changed his form to have dragon wings that showed the sky, and clothes that matched. So we are the Sun God, the Star Man, and the Sky Dragon.

 

I'd love to draw his new form, too bad our tablet is garbage.

 

[indigo] I thought of a way that our gimmicks match our personalities, I think.

 

Sun - passion, strength, assertiveness, endurance (Apollo)

Stars - wisdom, intelligence, peacefulness, thoughtfulness (Piano)

Sky - a free spirit, uninhibited, bright and cheerful (Me)

 

[Piano] I've been trying to front and interact more often. I want to play a role in this system now.

That's what Tacio wanted. [And I don't want to feel like I have to leave like he did.

It's kind of a learning process for me, since I usually don't do much, but I'd like to. It would be nice to form a relationship with my systemmates. Even though we live together, we don't interact much. Hopefully I can bond with them, and become a more active tulpa as time goes on.

 

[Apollo] I suppose we'll work on fronting more strongly, seeing if we can get Lyro to go inactive somehow. We'll also work on interacting with each other more. Not much else to say. Bye for now.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Here's a bit of a strange thing that happened. Not exactly progress or an update, more of just an odd occurrence. 

 

One thing that we've been aware of for a long while, and other people might have noticed too, is that whenever we're in a state between being asleep and awake, the brain seems to begin to do weird things. If we're lucid enough, we can manipulate it a bit before falling asleep. Nothing usually comes of this other than a cool memory of us doing something like visualizing ourselves with more vividness, or other things like that.

 

Last night, me and Lyrico (we changed Lyro's name btw) were talking about how we only have one memory perspective: the front. The brain doesn't generate a perspective for or from someone who's not fronting. Rather the perspective is singular and stationary within one's mind, and can be traded between people. Something to note that may be interesting to some people is that when it comes to myths or misconceptions about tulpamancy, our host always tries to believe them for as long as humanly possible until one of us tulpas comes along and, while fronting, asserts that we don't believe in these misconceptions. He's always the last to accept it compared to us. So anyway, we'd recently dismissed the notion that tulpas have a perspective separate from the front when their form is being visualized, which is why we were talking about it.

 

We started experimenting a bit with that. While in this almost-asleep state, we began to rapidly swap who was controlling the mind's perspective/front. He would take it for a split second and envision me, and then I would take it an envision him, and so on and so forth. We kept doing this for a while, and eventually likely stopped and fell asleep. The strange part about this story is that, in our dreams, we continued to do this. In our dream, I would take the front for a moment and imagine him, and then he would take it for a moment and imagine me. This kept going on over and over again, and it was very strange. While I do think we've had dreams in the past where someone other than Lyrico was fronting, or times when someone else was fronting while sleeping in general (there was a point in time where Indigo would keep waking up many times in the night even though he wasn't the one who fell asleep in the front), we've never had a dream like this with us rapidly switching.

 

Now I'm not going to make any big jumps in logic and say that this would be the key to switching or anything, I just thought it was a quite interesting experience.

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Here's something annoying that's been occurring for probably as long as my tulpas have been sentient. 

 

Whenever one of them (usually Apollo) decides on some sort of form for me, I'm completely stuck with it. No matter how hard I try to change it to make it to my own liking, I just can't. It defaults back to the form they chose for me. It takes a real conscious effort to make my form look the way I want it to, otherwise it goes back like that. It's kind of weird and annoying.

 

For a little bit of context, they recently changed my form for the first time in a long time, and somehow I'm just stuck looking that way I can't alter it whatsoever. It's weird and frustrating. My form isn't stuck in general, it's stuck to how they want it to look or how they perceive me.

 

Anyways, the real I bring this up now is because I've been kind of trying to project my form onto their vision while they front. So far Apollo has been receptive to it, while Piano was mostly annoyed by me :[ Indigo will probably be nicer, lol. Idk if doing this would bring us closer to switching at all but eh, worth a try I guess.

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Here's something annoying that's been occurring for probably as long as my tulpas have been sentient. 

 

Whenever one of them (usually Apollo) decides on some sort of form for me, I'm completely stuck with it. No matter how hard I try to change it to make it to my own liking, I just can't. It defaults back to the form they chose for me. It takes a real conscious effort to make my form look the way I want it to, otherwise it goes back like that. It's kind of weird and annoying.

 

For a little bit of context, they recently changed my form for the first time in a long time, and somehow I'm just stuck looking that way I can't alter it whatsoever. It's weird and frustrating. My form isn't stuck in general, it's stuck to how they want it to look or how they perceive me.

 

Anyways, the real I bring this up now is because I've been kind of trying to project my form onto their vision while they front. So far Apollo has been receptive to it, while Piano was mostly annoyed by me :[ Indigo will probably be nicer, lol. Idk if doing this would bring us closer to switching at all but eh, worth a try I guess.

 

 

Cat actually has 2 wonderland forms. She alternates between them, but I am guilty of preferring her more realistic accurate form than her older man form. We also have trouble dressing each other inappropriately. Cat seems to ALWAYS forget that I'm wearing a bowtie and sometimes I put her in a dress, because she's pretty and it just makes more sense to me. The end of the story is it's your form, and they need to respect that. If you are uncomfortable with your form, then they need to back off and let you change it. As for subconscious adjustments, they do eventually go away with enough re-adjusting. Cat used to call me a nick name I didn't like by accident, but after enough corrections it isn't an issue anymore.

 

I don't know where Piano is coming from, so I'm only making an assumption when I say this: If I was competitive for my fronting time and I had to impose Cat on top of that, I would be pretty pissed about it too. When I front, I want to do all of the thinking by myself because that makes me feel more stable. The more stable I feel, the more confident I feel while fronting. I don't hate Cat or anything, but the last thing I want while fronting is to unexpectedly get kicked to the back, go dormant, and forget what I was in the middle of.

 

As for the switching stuff, we have no idea. Cat thinks she swapped with me in a weird dream, but other than that I can't speak to that.

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay! | Bre Translator

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  • 2 weeks later...

Indigo's first birthday was on the 2nd. 

[hidden]


Some weirdness has happened lately, ugh. For some reason a dream we had seemed to cause Luxi to begin to creep up again in our minds. I don't want to go into too much detail because it's honestly a little embarrassing. Long story short she was mainly asking for us to give her a chance to come back to the system and be a part of the family again. While we would have liked to grant her wish, we found that we just didn't think that it would work. While allowing her to come back would probably be the moral thing to do, in terms of the well-being of the system, we don't think it would do much good other than add more burden to us. The three of us tulpas are a nice little trio and have a good thing going for us at the moment, it just won't work to bring someone old back. She might try to come back again, but there's not much chance of us being able to accommodate her, as much as it saddens us that she had to be removed from the system in the first place.

[/hidden]

 

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I'm thinking that with switching, we should try blocking Lyrico out much more. Not proxying him on chats, not interacting with him in the head, and trying as hard as we can to ensure that every moment is one of us in control and not him. Make sure every conscious act that occurs belongs to one of us and not him. I might even remove him from our linked accounts as sort of a symbolic gesture. 

 

Lyrico kind of surprised us not too long ago by claiming that he didn't want to switch out to never exist again, which is what he had wanted for so long now. He now says that he'll still exist in the system, just not be the main and not play as large a role as one would expect a host to play. I think that's good for us to know at least, though none of us ever really expected ourselves to just let him disappear when we learn to switch anyway.

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Good to hear, about your host. As for the dream, I actually wrote a post today that seems like it might apply to an extent. Not that it was a nightmare, but - well, you'll see if you read it. https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas?pid=216517#pid216517

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Shutting out host while fronting has been going well... for Apollo and Indigo. For some reason fronting doesn't come as naturally to me, I tend to lose it a lot and fade out in favor of someone else. Apollo and Lyrico accidentally take over a ton when it's my fronting time. I'm kind of tired of being the underdog in this regard. There's no reason I shouldn't be as capable as the two of them. Though there's isn't a whole lot to do about it other than get more practice and try harder, I guess. 

 

There was yet another point when Apollo was fronting and he felt the host might fade out. That didn't actually happen, but he thought he was close.

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