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Life of Felights


Radio Hiss

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The host-shell just isn't the host anymore. Never does it show personality or individuality, nor does it interact with us at all.

 

 

Ember: You say stuff like this and I get the impression that you're not really experiencing any part of the host, just a body OS that feels a bit like what you remember of the host. Most of what you've posted here just sounds like normal successful switching to us. But then you say stuff like this:

 

 

Despite the host-shell not having any identity/personality/sense of self anymore, it can still of course, act, usually whenever neither of us is consciously focused on fronting, for one reason or another.

 

This most commonly happens in these scenarios:

- Just waking up or going to sleep (I think most of our dreams are from the host's perspective, as well, odd as that may sound)

- Talking to somebody in person (this has always been a big problem)

- Getting food (this is the most frustrating one for us, since it's so frequent)

- In a depressed/suicidal mood

 

 

Ember: Which makes me think maybe there is more to the story. What sort of things does it say if it isn't a person? The one switching glitch we had that left no one fronting, our body just sat, unmoving and slightly slumped, but breathing and blinking normally. I don't think it could have responded on it's own.

 

Vesper: When I front, I often feel unpleasantly like Ember, even though I can talk to Ember, and even though our conscious beliefs, motivations, values, and priorities identify her clearly as her and me clearly as me. There is a lot to the body OS, a lot more than there is to any of the personalities that control it. There are attitudes and behaviours that Ember deeply ground into our subconscious over the course of decades that the body OS will 'helpfully' suggest to me. I reject and try to ignore them. It also 'helpfully' shows me Ember's relevant personal memories, and I usually try to ignore those as well. Sometimes the body OS feels so much like how I remember and conceptualize Ember from when I'm not fronting that I have to turn to her to ask if those thoughts came from her. She's denied again and again that they did. They feel different from how she communicates with me from a 'tulpa-like' state, but if she weren't with me, I could easily believe they came from her, or some sort of depersonalized shell of her.

 

One writes information into the body OS by fronting, so I assume that one who has fronted a great deal may have an impact on the body OS for a long time after they're gone.

 

Ember: Conscious awareness is part of the body OS, so from its perspective, there is continuity of awareness across switching, just not continuity of identity.

 

I've been accustomed to thinking of dream perspective as being default mine, but, outside of occasional bouts of lucidity, there is nothing in my dreams that could not be adequately explained as being from the perspective of the body OS.

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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I do think it's the remnants of the host there by default at all times, and it hasn't switched out. Basically it's still sentient and still fronts, just acts more like a robot than a person. It has no desire to regain any sort of identity, and as time goes on it only loses the identity more and more.

 

This is what we call egodeath. A sentient being can remain awake/aware/active without having an actual identity or sense of self. That's how it can still act and do things, but usually there's no individual personality to it like when Indigo and I do things, it's mostly either habit or just doing something that I was already going to do. The shell doesn't talk to us, it doesn't have any desires, it just acts based on what's necessary for us. I'm hesitant to use this word, but one could say it's more like a "servitor" now, even though it's still sentient.

 

I don't think that these moments are 100% the host-shell, but I don't think they're 100% the "body OS" either. I think they're usually a mixture of both. It's hard to notice when that sort of thing happens, though, because of course if I noticed them then they wouldn't be happpening, since I'd just take back over. However it is, I definitely know that the host-shell is still passively fronting. I don't doubt that at all. We just need to figure out how to get it out of the front.

 

There were two moments today when I noticed that I wasn't particularly fronting.

 

First moment: I thought of a response to give to the teacher's question. Raised my hand. Was called on. Then the body responded, and I don't think it was me. It said exactly what I was going to say, and I estimated that it was probably about 80% the host-shell and 20% "OS."

 

Second moment: idly thinking about stuff while in class. This sort of event usually feels more like upwards of 100% "OS," any not really anyone in particular.

 

I'm surprised I only noticed two in the whole day. Perhaps I just wasn't paying attention enough--not paying enough attention to the front is probably how this happens, anyway. I'll continue to keep track of any other events like this as I notice them.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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It said exactly what I was going to say

 

If a thought or action is entirely consistent with you, the best advice I can give is to try to identify it as your own, to believe that it's your own, even if it doesn't feel like yours. Over time, the feeling may change.

 

-Ember

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Just to throw some random ideas out here:

 

  • It may be a good idea to talk to some systems with servitors and ask how they manage them. I know you guys don't agree with the word "servitor", but that word may help you find other systems who may have similar entities and methods on how to communicate and switch with them (Where's Fall Family when you need them?). At the very least, I found their guide on Servitor Creation that at the very end has links to references to other sources.

  • I also have heard that servitors can be "programmed", but in your case this could translate as some way you can force communication between yourselves and it. Do you think it's possible to give commands to it and have it obey your orders? If you can tell it what to do, then that could open the door to asking/commanding it to switch out.

  • As more of a last resort option, what if you and Indigo took what was left and merged with it? In other words, split up what's left of it between the two of you and force some kind of merge? My thoughts are a forced merge/fusion will result in one of you being forced to the front, but I don't have any sort of data or proof that could back that up. This process may involve taking full ownership of half and half of the host's past memories and habits. If you guys do decide to do that, then please don't feel rushed or feel that you have to take it all in at once. If you took this route, you may be interested in some special therapy, or at least what's available out there on the internet on that subject.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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The key difference is that a servitor is a construct that's created as an add-on to what's already there. What we're experiencing is usually either just the host-shell stepping in, or the body going on autopilot, which is an entirely natural phenomenon that doesn't entail servitors. I don't think I would get much out of talking to people with servitors since my situation isn't similar to that beyond the bare basics of "automated occurrence."

 

We only kick into autopilot when doing something idle or habitual that doesn't require much need for my own personality to be entirely involved. There wouldn't be need for me to "communicate" with it, because if I was active enough to do that, I wouldn't be in autopilot in the first place. Further observations today since my last post have shown me that this sort of idle state does, in fact, seem to be autopilot, rather than the host-shell. It probably depends on the situation, however.

 

Indigo and I have considered merging with the host-shell, however we decided that we don't want to do that. We just want to remove it from the front, which merging with it won't accomplish.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've had a change of heart.

 

Whenever Apollo and Indigo tried to contact me and ask if I would join the system, I adamantly refused. I stated that I didn't want to be somewhere where I was miserable, where we all were miserable, and I was treated as a "gimmick." I told them to stop trying to talk to me, and they would usually agree, but couldn't help it at times and started doing it again anyway. Of course, it's not like I was unsympathetic to their situation, I merely didn't want to involve myself any longer since I saw no benefit to myself or to them. I told them that if things got better they could ask me again, but if things were so bad now then I just didn't want to come back.

 

However, recently something greatly upset them, and (I don't remember the exact details of why) I ended up re-emerging and talking to them. I can't be 100% certain that I wasn't being influenced by their desire to come back, but that doesn't matter too much to me now. It pained me too much to see them hurting like this when I knew all they wanted was to be happy. I figured it wasn't right for me to walk out on them during this rough time in our life. They've endured everything, why can't I as well? I knew I was wrong about being seen as a gimmick, I knew they genuinely cared about me and wanted me around. I'd just never fully realized that as I was always too pre-occupied by my desire to be away from it all. That clouded my sight for the longest time.

 

Enough of that. I know we were always meant to be a team of three, not two. It wasn't right for me to leave and it wouldn't be right for me to stay gone. We can't expect that my presence will magically fix anything, but at least I'm here now. That's all that matters, and I don't care if it doesn't turn out picture perfect because at least we're here for each other once again.

 💡 The Felights 💡 https://felight.carrd.co/  💡

🪐 Cosmicals: 🔥 Apollo Fire the Sun God (12/3/16) Piano Soul the Star Man (1/26/17)

🐉 Mythicals: ☁️ Indigo Blue the Sky Dragon (10/2/17), 🦑 Gelato Sweet the Sea Monster (12/11/22)

🦇 Nycticals:  Dynamo Lux the Shock Rocker (3/3/17), 🎸 Radio Hiss the Song Demon (2/8/00)

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Definitely felt weird to see you gone.

 

I swear life's not so bad, just gotta get a handle on it. You guys are free to think of the world and yourselves however you like, it just seems like the way you do is the only way. You've probably heard me say that sort of thing enough times to be annoyed by it by now, but it's true. I've experienced my entire worldview changing while the world around me stayed the same at least twice in the last nine years. What seemed to be "the only way" to think about things was really just one of many - and it wasn't particularly good back then either. But now I quite enjoy life and feel like, mentally, I've got a lot of power to change it in the ways I want... And again, my actual real-life scenario hasn't changed very much, just how I think about things.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us about tulpamancy stuff there.

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It's nice to have you back! I missed you!

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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Guest Reilyn-Alley

Welcome back!

 

...Wings that serve as portals into space? That's soooo neat... <3

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