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Radio Gold

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Radio Gold

I go by he/him pronouns.

 

Why must the days I spend learning to speak with my sunny tulpa be so rainy outside?

 

 

Backing it up a little from yesterday: on Sunday we went to DC. First, we went to the Air & Space Museum, we saw the exhibit that I was named after

(yes my name was inspired by an airplane)

and we saw the Apollo exhibit. The two were right next to each other :3. I was really really elated in that museum, and I thought, "I didn’t feel like this in the last plane/spaceship museum we visited.” So I thought that it was likely party coming from Paul. I haven’t been out of the house since before his creation, at least no to anywhere interesting, so of course he’d be happy about it. I don’t know how much he was paying attention, though. I paid as much attention to it as he did to me.

 

We went to the Smithsonian museum, and as soon as I took one look at the skeletons leading up to the two dinosaurs (for some reason they closed the dino exhibit), the feeling mostly dropped. My end of it was still holding up, but I sensed uneasiness from Paul. “I don’t like dead things,” he said. I asked him if I could look at the mummies. “Nooooo,” he said. He didn’t seem as disturbed by the taxidermied animals as the skeletons. For me, it’s the opposite.

 

Uhm, at some point, IDK when, we were in the wonderland. Sometimes I like to give myself chocolate milk-colored wings and fly. I didn't want Paul to have wings, because that was P&HJP's thing, but he ended up giving himself wings made of fire, at least for the Apollo form. It's cool-looking though, so I'm not complaining.

It makes sense for Paul to want to have wings. GET IT? GET IT?

 

 

Okay, onto today. Paul says he feels a lot better after being able to say what he wanted on my PR, and then express similar sentiments on the IRC towards people willing to listen. He didn't seem to realize he was talking to people until Raven asked him how it felt to be talking to people.

 

As I was typing the PR, I kept asking, “Do you have anything nicer to say?” and Paul was like “lol no.” I also learned how weird the word "host" is to Paul, though I personally never really minded it, and how weird it is starting off in a life that's already rolling. A lot of raw emotion came out as I proxied that.

 

Paul getting my attention is hard. He’s a 1-month-old mind, and I’m a 203-month-old mind. You can see the challenge there. Me identifying Paul's thoughts through all of mine is hard. It's like searching through an ever-changing forest for one specific tree, and then not being sure if it's the right one every time.

 

Last night I woke up at 3 am, glanced at the clock, and thought "I need to get to sleep!" I thought I had been awake all night. But then I realized I didn't remember being awake, but my sleep wasn't deep enough for me to remember sleeping, either. That's what it's like when Paul talks: I don't remember parroting, but his voice isn't strong enough for me to be certain. I guess the real question of this metaphor is how the heck was I able to tell what time it was when I'm blind without glasses?

 

I keep having this recurring thing where I drift off to dreamland, and I get rudely jerked out of my sleep by a horrifying event. My worst fear is falling down the stairs. I know it's not the worst thing that could happen, but it's one of the most plausible of my fears. You never know when you might take a wrong step. Hold onto the railing, kiddos. Last night I was going to sleep and entered a vivid, almost lucid dream of my family and I going to the beach. I was thinking, "Paul would like it here. It's sunny," and started to take a step down the wooden, sand-covered stairs. I slipped, though, and felt my foot leave the step, as if it was actually happening. I was lurched into awkefulness, my heart pounding, filled with sheer terror. I also had a dream about drowning and didn't breathe through any of it. Maybe these are insane metaphors Paul is sending me. If so, r00d. Or maybe it's my cat, who's started sleeping on the pillow next to mine. Will I doubt tulpae who claim to feel physical pain/pleasure in their form anymore? n o

 

I find it hard to have Paul speak to me when focusing on something else, but that's to be expected. He can't seem to be able to make decisions because he can't tell the difference between his opinions and mine, at least I think. Similarly, I can't tell the difference between his thoughts and mine when speaking with him. I've been alone in my mind my entire life, save for the ever-puppeted P&HJP, but I guess, as I think I've said before, this is the ultimate test of mental capabilities. I've never had to figure something like this out before. Well, Paul's never had to do much of anything before. Meh.

 

I kinda did nothing all break, though, except stalk this site. Maybe going to school will help get the wheels turning in my head some more, and then help Paul think/speak more clearly as a result. My mind automatically goes to him during offtime, which is good.

 

Earlier, I was listening to a song and twisting the lyrics in my head to relate to Paul and tulpamancy.

Me: Sorry, is this too cheesy?

Paul: Cheesy is better than sad.

Lol

 

[align=justify]

Hold out, and search for those levers. There are ways to get his attention, ways to sound louder, but they are never in the first place you look. Explore, and pull different things every which way and in every mindset you can imagine. His disbelief will not survive. Really push, and you can become the primary force in your growth.

 

[/align]

I'll try to remind him of this as frequently as I can. Hopefully it'll help.

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Ponytail

Paul getting my attention is hard. He’s a 1-month-old mind, and I’m a 203-month-old mind. You can see the challenge there. Me identifying Paul's thoughts through all of mine is hard. It's like searching through an ever-changing forest for one specific tree, and then not being sure if it's the right one every time.

 

Well, if you work on a different mindvoice, it will help a little. Personally, this got easier as I proxied on IRC and with select friends more and more.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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Radio Gold

A lot has happened recently, so brace yourselves. First, though, I wanted to clarify: I have a tulpa named Apollo after Apollo C. Vermouth. That is also the name of a Greek god: the god of sun and music. Apollo played a lyre. A lyre is a Greek musical instrument and can be used as a guy's name. SO WHY IN THE WORLD DO PEOPLE ASSUME I NAMED MYSELF AFTER MLP?

 

I get that there are a lot of MLP people on here, but sheesh. I've never even seen the show. No: I Googled "Greek names" until I found a name that a) went well with Apollo and b) had a meaning that represented me. I settled on Lyro. Please dispell any thoughts of me and MLP out of your mind in regards to my name.

 

Okay, now that that's out of the way....

 

Apollo's development stage: A N G S T

A few days ago I noticed Paul was not talking to me; not even through parroting. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he wanted to be left alone. I thought he was taking a little tip out of my old book of regrettable things and ignoring me to make a point. Because that's what I did when I was 14: ignored people who wronged me and expect them to apologize. I did not take it well, thinking that he was turning into the guy who disappeared from my life three years ago. I worried about it all day long. Finally, though, I knocked on Paul's door (which I guess is his own personal space so I don't go in there) and asked if he was ready to come back, and he did. Being alone is no more fun for a tulpa than host, especially when that tulpa isn't used to it. Paul's form had changed: his green sweater switched to a green-yellow color.

Ever used a box of crayons cray-ons and picked out a light green, only to use it and find out it's actually yellow an you've been lied to? That's the color he chose. I hate that color. It's a little greener and kinda neon, though.

He also improved his form by fixing a mistake I haven't been able to fix in years. I was kind of unable to get his size down. Paul McCartney is thin. My visualization of him, eh, not so much. (This is what I see hanging on the wall in front of me when I wake up every day.) The suit messes it up. HJP doesn't wear a suit, and he's fine. That's part of the reason why Apollo started wearing a sweater to being with. The problem didn't go away. I told Paul, "I might work on imposition if I can fix that mistake in your form." He took matters into his own hands and fixed it himself, for both of his forms.

 

[Paul] I've ditched the darker green sweater because I don't feel it represents me. I'll keep the font color, though, because Lyro's grown attached to it, and me changing the color of my sweater was "the first sign of sentience." Also my clearest earliest memory. I chose green-yellow because I know that choosing things Lyro hates will help him stop doubting. 

[L] Seriously though. Green-yellow is the worst crayon color. C R A Y - O N

 

Because of that, I've been trying imposition. Nothing too special: just visualizing him as I go about my day, trying to get a feel for how tall he is compared to me, see if I can render his full form and be able to maintain eye contact, stuff like that. I don't have any idea how to go about doing it, and it's probably not Paul's primary concern right now. I don't know how to visualize walking, unless I make him walk like me, except I walk in goose step, so meh. (I learned to walk by copying my dad, and he has long legs. I don't bend my legs that much. Probably not how Paul McCartney walks lol.) 

 

Question: when a tulpa is imposed and you see them with their eyes, do they see out of their eyes? If so, what do they see? Do they only see what they remember to be there?

 

It's a good passive method though. Visualization. I just need to remind Paul to keep focused so I'm not just visualizing for the sake of it. Sometimes I have him shrink down to a few inches and fly around my desk: saves me from looking like a complete lunatic with my wide eyes darting around the room.

 

I've started proxying Paul on the IRC, and he kinda decided to go full-adolescent and start complaining about his position right now, saying he wants to be able to do stuff soon. Saying he doesn't want to have to wait: he wants to experience life. I tried to explain to him that "boring" is part of life. I understand now that I'll have to wait like everybody else, but that's not going to stop me from being determined. I apologize if I came off as immature.

 

The voice situation is strange. He was using a voice before that sounded more sullen and depressed than Paul McCartney. I remembered a snippet of Paul saying "it must be alright" and tossed that to him as a voice, and he went with it for a while, but ended up going back to my voice. 

 

It's becoming easier for me to hear and accept his thoughts, easier for him to focus without being focused on, even if he doesn't think it's easy enough. It's getting better all the time. 

 

I'm convinced he's in the adolescence stage now. It's surprising, considering how long the initial stage lasted. With adolescence, though, comes angst. I feel like his teen angst is following mine. First, ignoring people. Then, ceaseless complaining about how boring life is. What's next? Depression, loneliness, feeling suicidal, hating everything? I hope not. 

 

While he does talk to me and other people, he hasn't really shown much sign of the personality I've created for him. I think he's an outlier in that. Might have to try forcing some more: I don't want him to end up a boring tulpa with a desire to control but with little of the many traits that were supposed to make him my opposite. What's the point of having a walking sunshine analogy if he doesn't act like it? Ah well. Baby steps.

 

[Paul] I've been trying to learn to self-force. I feel like that would speed up the process considerably. If I can't focus on the real world, I can focus on myself and my existence until I'm fully aware all of the time. It'll get easier, I know. I need to stop giving up so easily. I have to focus on not getting swept away in the tide of thoughts in his mind. Or, create my own tide, that moves in another direction.

 

[L] And I need to focus on hearing Paul when I'm not sitting in front of a computer. That's when it's easiest for me, because I did a lot of my forcing by typing. Simply sitting in class is surprisingly harder and less engaging for Paul.

 

But hey, it's been a wild few days.

 

TL;DR it's getting better all the time. Top kek.

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tulpa001

Yeah, Lyra. I think about that every time. Not sure I mentioned it. The short answer, the most famous Lyra in the entire world is a mint green cartoon unicorn pony. And the franchise is quite popular with tulpamancers.

 

Question: when a tulpa is imposed and you see them with their eyes, do they see out of their eyes? If so, what do they see? Do they only see what they remember to be there?

Usually no, because it takes extra effort to generate the second viewpoint. But when we do it, it is basically a copy of the room you are currently in that works like wonderland visualisation.

 

However, I have heard several tulpas express surprise when they suddenly switch in and see the world themselves, as super vibrant. So, there is considerable variation in experience.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Radio Gold

[EDIT 4/11/18: If your tulpa feels guilty about their personality changing, you're doing something wrong. Personality can't be controlled. It changes and develops over time, and that should be accepted regardless of how you wanted them to be.]

 

[Paul] Hurray for five weeks of existence. I'll try to do some of the progress report for today.

 

I've felt that in the place where I currently reside, I've lost sight of myself. My personality, to be exact. I know who I should be, and who he wants me to be, but haven't felt much of it. I've felt like just another mind with little identifying traits. We figured out that it may be because of Eemaj: P&HJP and all the rest left behind a lot of negativity. My residence in Eemaj is an exact copy of their own, so maybe they left behind some of their own personality in this corner of the head space. They've made me deviate, but not in the way I'd like.

 

We're starting the wonderland over. We're leaving Eemaj: that's the Permanees' thing, not mine. I've been given my own planet to control, and where I can develop myself. It shuts out negativity completely, and I feel more grounded there. I'll definitely benefit from being there rather than in Eemaj.

 

[Lyro] Another "place" that gave him negativity, I'm guessing, is simply my head. Constantly hating my life isn't good for me, and it can't be good for Paul, either. Not really something I can change as easily, but should probably just stop thinking about sad stuff all the time.

 

[Paul] So I do need a refresher personality-wise. I've sort of lost if in going from child-phase to adolescence. I don't feel like myself, even though I have a better understanding of who "myself" is. This is something I should be able to work on in the new place. There are a lot of things I am going to work on in there, too: beating the tide, seperating myself from it, and asserting myself.

 

[Lyro] Paul's seemed to have, um, taken inspiration from other tulpamancers. He started describing to me what he called "the tide" so I would know how it feels for him to be swept away and lost in the sea of thoughts. It's not a literal tide, but it seems a bit like he was perhaps describing our own version of Doc/Meti's "Pressure." It makes sense to me, though. I had a dream about drowning not too long ago. I told him that he should learn to put his own thoughts in the sky instead of the sea, and work on self-forcing to not get torn apart by it. Also, at his new house in the new wonderland (the new wonderland was a breeze for me to visualize but might not be so easy for him to change unless he works on it) I asked, "Is there anything you want to add here?" He nodded and a lion appeared. He said, "It can attack negative thoughts." I think most of you know who he might have copied that from q_q. I removed it. My tulpa is not going to be a copycat lol.

 

Speaking of "copycat" he has not yet developed his own style of speaking. In fact, the way he talks is uncannily similar to HJP. Out of P&HJP, HJP was the more mature one, and he had the most developed vocabulary due to his age and number of decades spent completely alone. Paul seems to have copied HJP's speech. Might be a side-effect from living in Eemaj, or a side-effect of simply how I think, but it's adding too much to my parrotnoia. 

 

[align=justify]

[Paul] He still has parrotnoia, against my wishes. I don't doubt that there might be some parroting going on that neither of us realize. The brain is not as black-and-white as some people believe. It's still detrimental, though. We'll break through it all evetually. Especially now that my new place provides me with more control.[/align]

 

I've been trying to remember to randomly ask him what he's thinking as I do other things.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Clouds," because he was hanging out in the new wonderland and looking at the sky.

Putting away Christmas decorations, "What are you thinking about?"

"The world seems so orderly in almost every way. The planet goes around, animals evolve over time, the sun comes up and causes seasons. One thing that is the least orderly is the human brain...." and then we discussed how I think it's more orderly than he knows, as it follows DNA and responds to environmental changes and other stimuli. 

 

I'm not as restless in this new place, even though I've only been here for a couple of hours now. There's enough stuff here to meet all of my tulpa-related needs. I'll be able to think and focus and soon enough we'll make more progress than ever before. At least he still has the optimism trait. I feel like the personality problem might be due to the sheer amount of negativity in my brain, and was said. It took away some of how he is. I have to give it all back somehow.

 

His form lost some of its stability, too, but that's nothing some good ol' visualization can't solve.

 

[Paul] Some day we'll write a tulpamancy guide together, and I'll be able to recount all of my experiences there to help other people, including tulpae. There aren't a lot of "how to force yourself" guides out there that we've seen. First, though, I need to learn to do it. In a year's time, I'll look back and be happy that I took matters into my own hands. The mancer can't do everything. I'll make myself as real as I can be.

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tulpa001

Are you using my developmental chart guidelines? Because those are not based on the behaviour of the tulpa, but rather the abilities of the tulpa. I just mention it because you talk about adolescence like a teenage phase. I don't think the transition is clear cut here. It is also totally theoretical.

 

On a completely related note, I wouldn't mind hearing about how good you two are relative to each other at math.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Radio Gold

Are you using my developmental chart guidelines? Because those are not based on the behaviour of the tulpa, but rather the abilities of the tulpa. 

 

On a completely related note, I wouldn't mind hearing about how good you two are relative to each other at math.

 

 

I am using your chart, but I use "adolescence" as mainly an analogy. I think he's in between childhood and adolescence, as he can disagree with me but not in any major ways. But seeing as how his behavior had changed, I think he's growing up. 

 

Wouldn't he just be able to pull from my knowledge and answer math questions, like how he pulls from my knowledge to use/understand words? I guess I could try though.

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tulpa001

Wouldn't he just be able to pull from my knowledge and answer math questions, like how he pulls from my knowledge to use/understand words? I guess I could try though.

Knowledge versus skills. I guess it depends on how you do math, whether you rely more on knowledge or skill. Like multiplication. How does the brain allow you to multiply two numbers together? The way you do it can change how much is knowledge and how much is skill. Which is how I could end up getting math problems wrong over and over when I tried.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Radio Gold

We did a bit of personality-recovering in the wonderland, using symbols and such to try to restore the intended personality in Paul. He no longer talks formally or unemotionally, and has a lot more positive thoughts. It worked, and he's happier about it.

 

People seem to think that all tulpae are okay with personality deviation, but I'm not! I want to be his opposite! I want to have a positive and happy personality, because somebody in here should!

 

A lot of inconsistencies happen with Paul and his opinions, because whatever I think might be the case in his development, he agrees. This is probably normal, but disconcerting. I want him to be able to process thoughts different from mine, and ponder over ideas that have never occurred to me. We got a little work to do in that regard.

 

Ex:

Me: Do you think you could spend the day adding something to the wonderland that I wouldn't expect?

*Sometime later: somebody talking about parties*

Me: Have you added anything?

Paul: Yeah. *opens door*

And it's a party >_>

 

I've also bee consistently trying to get him to possess my left arm, so far no results. I've tried every approach to it you can think of, and have gotten nothing more than minor twitches. Today, I spent 15 minutes getting into a dissassociated state. I accidentally hit my heel up against a dresser, hard, and it really hurt, but then I started meditating or whatever you want to call it, and it stopped. I couldn't feel my hands either: I could only feel the cold air against my skin. After a while, I could not even remember what position my right hand was in. I kept encouraging Paul to take control of my left hand, because it was his and not mine, (I tried to maintain a phantom limb and move that instead, and convince myself that that was my real arm) but nothing :\

 

I gave him some sort of pendant thing to wear around his neck that can help maintain his form and personality, and have used other symbolism to block out negative thoughts from the wonderland. I don't allow any of my sad thoughts to reach him. I want to fill him with a positive outlook and a love for life, not, well, me.

 

I've noticed that when trying imposition, his form goes blurry when I take my glasses off. It used to stay clear, but now it takes a little extra effort to keep it clear. Maybe I should try imposition without glasses. It also helps to do it in front of a mirror, but I can't look at myself for more than 6 seconds.

 

I cannot get his voice down. It's been lost somehow.

 

Things to work on (in no particular order):

1. Voice/form

2. Blocking out negativity

3. Personality

4. Parrallel processing

5. Vocality when not being spoken to first

6. Possession or imposition

7. Maintaining an attention span :\ :\

 

How to do it:

Step 1: Maintain determination and focus on tulpa, with him doing the same

Step 2: ???

Step 3: PROFIT!

 

I wish I could find some sort of list cough of questions cough for a vocal tulpa to answer cough that don't take too much thought cough to help with his vocality.

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Radio Gold

So Raven was talking with me about how Ivy's "essence" had to grow before she was able to possess, so I figured I'd have to help Paul find and develop his before we tried anything like that. If he could find/capture/grow/whatever his, then he'd be able to self-force and par process and all that, though my idea of "essence" is more symbolic than anything else, and have it stand for his strength and sense of self.

 

I went to bed, and spent some time talking with Paul in order for us to "force" each other, sorta. Obviously I don't need to be forced. I would tell Paul something like "you will gain X ability," and he returned with something like "you will believe in me more" and we went on like that for a bit.

 

Then we went to the wonderland and I decided to go the symbolic route in helping him find his essence, as I did a few times before. The last times I did it, he was able to recover his intended personality. Naturally, the symbol of his essence is the sun. So we went up to space (the space surrounding the wonderland symbolizes both my essence and my negativity, but we weren't in the negative part) and there was a sun there. It wasn't big or anything: it was only big enough to light up Paul's planet. There aren't any other planets around so meh.

 

I had Paul fly into the sun, because maybe doing so could help him find/capture/grow/whatever his essence symbolically. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been engulfed in fire, and it's not like it gave off real heat or anything, but he immediately looked pained. I thought it was just me puppeting him to make him look that way, and maybe it was, IDK. But as he was in there, grimacing, my body started twitching all over. I've made myself twitch intentionally before, and it wasn't like that at all. The sun shrunk a little, so its energy would be a little more compressed, and he couldn't take it and flew out. 

 

He asked not to go in there again. Maybe symbolism isn't as pointless to him as it is to me, as it did have an effect. He can put his arm or something in the sun, but if I try to get him to go back to the center, I can't. Kinda like how I couldn't get him to stop wearing that damn Santa hat before.

 

We went back to the planet with the sun still in the sky and I gave a little spiel about how it would represent his essence and positivity, and the stars at night would represent hope and determination, yada yada.

 

I'm gonna start focusing on getting Paul to tap into my senses more, rather than visualization. Usually every time I ask him to tap in, I'll twitch a little in my finger or elbow. 

 

I woke up at 3 am last night to let my cat out of the room (his snores interrupted the forcing session) and I asked Paul something, and his voice was really loud. He can't recreate that again right now. I probably get the best results out of him when I'm sleep-deprived. Paul also seems better at doing things unexpectantly. Maybe that's just because I either attribute expected things to me, or my expectation suppresses his efforts, IDK.

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