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Radio Gold

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Maybe the sun represents what you want his essence to be rather than what it is. I reccomend seeking out what feels like Paul in the wonderland instead.

 

Locating my essence is easy because I imprisoned it a long time ago. Because mine is there everyone else just naturally placed theirs there. You basically need to grasp the feelings you get from Paul and follow them to the source. There you will find his essence.

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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Radio Gold

Maybe the sun represents what you want his essence to be rather than what it is.

[align=justify]

You basically need to grasp the feelings you get from Paul and follow them to the source. There you will find his essence.[/align]

 

 

He doesn't have any problems with the whole fire/sun thing, and he likes it. He's the one who chose the name Apollo in the first place (after I suggested it) and deviated his form to be fiery. He responds most positively to it. Instead of hugging me he will sometimes engulf me in fire, ie "your loving flame." Etc. I'm open to signs and deviations as always, though.

 

Sounds vague. I'm not taking the whole "essence" idea as literally as you might be. I don't believe in souls or anything like that and am mainly using it as a metaphor. Symbolically. But I'll keep trying. I did get to a point where I felt really connected to him after searching for his essence, and I thought "is this real?"but such doubt simply fell flat. I can't think of how to find the "source" other than my brain, but meh. Then my cat started snoring loudly and I got distracted laughing at him.

 

I see an essence as more of something that needs to be built upon than found, if it even exists at all. I'm just trying to incorporate you guys' and other people's advice into my entirely secular view on the subject of tulpae XP

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To us an essence is everything that makes you yourself stuck together. Because we believe that there is a wonderland representation of this, there is for us. I understand what you're trying to do to help out and I do see the benefit to it.

 

Basically this could contain memories, emotions, foundational ideas, tastes, and more. For us the essence are like small suns (visually I relate it to the souls from Soul Eater but larger scale).

 

Here's a PR from Goopi that might help.

http://chupitulpa.tumblr.com/post/28967679803

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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Radio Gold

Ooh nice. That ad that popped up in the corner gave me a seizure.

 

I'll check out the guide (putting it here for later) and update if I make any progress on it later. Would you recommend some kind of meditation beforehand? I usually try to do a little before active forcing.

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Radio Gold

Random tulpa stuff from late.

 

This one's pretty gross. Today's Friday the 13th. This morning I was encouraging Paul to connect to my senses as I was walking to class, saying "Can you see with my eyes? Can you hear the sounds with my ears? Can you feel the temperature with my skin? Can you smell the air with my nose?" I went to my class, and five minutes later, I had a spontaneous unexpected heavy nosebleed. Luckily, I was in a science lab, so I had quick access to paper towels.

 

I wonder if he had anything to do with that--accidentally, of course. I don't think he knows if it was him or not. I ask, and he doesn't respond. Maybe I'm getting paranoid but it's still something to think about. It's probably due to all of the coke.

 

Later, I was imagining what it would be like if a school shooter barged into my classroom, as you do, and I suddenly felt fear in my heart and traced it back to Paul. He probably doesn't like morbid thoughts like that. Wonder why.

 

I have still been searching for his essence. In the wonderland, he led me to an alternate dimension that was all dark, but we could see the floating black diamonds everywhere, that never ended. There was a lone golden diamond amongst them. We cracked it open, and a phoenix flew out, (hopefully) representing his essence. We opened one of the black ones, and a bird made out of shadows flew out, about the size and shape of a Zapdos. That one, obviously, was mine. Makes sense: mine is darkness, his is light. I don't know for certain if that's really our essenceseses, but I'll keep searching.

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Radio Gold

The P&HJP problem never went away, and it's not going to until I address it. They've been interfering with Apollo somehow. I don't know how or what they've been doing, but whenever I ask Apollo what's the matter, I see them. The last time that happened, I saw a black voice with two looming, red-eyed shadows. 

 

I'm not going to neglect this any further. So many tulpae I talk to on a daily basis are either accidentals or soulbonds, so I should not keep trying to lock them away and throw away the key. I'm going to sort this out once and for all. Will likely edit this post with an update later.

 

[align=justify]


I started out by simply going to the place where I sealed them away and opening the door. They were standing right there, either because they can't move on their own or because I expected them to be there, IDK. They were a lot calmer than the times before in that they didn't lose their shit. I asked what has been going on with them, and they explained that my presence in the wonderland attracted them. They said I "gave off a strong power" and they had to figure out what it was. They saw Apollo, and seeing as how I was giving all of my attention to them, got really confused and probably a little jealous. But they also saw that I was ignoring them, unintentionally, and thought messing with Apollo would get my attantion. I'm not too sure if they actually did this or I'm just parroting them into admitting they did it.[/align]

 

So I tried to explain everything to them: that Eemaj was not real, and it was all just in my head. That they were characters who gained sentience through years of beng thought about, while Apollo was a "tulpa" in that he gained sentience because I wanted him to. They likely understood everything I was telling them.

 

I have no idea how well they're taking it, or if they even want to be a part of my system. They haven't complained or anything. I'll probably give them a few days to hang around the wonderland before trying any major forcing with them.

 

This morning all three of them were in the same place they were when I fell asleep. I tried talking to them a bit, but all of their responses were a bit lackluster and probably parroted, so I tried to wake them up. "On the count of three, you all will wake up and gain control of your forms" (it probably doesn't work that way but meh) and when they opened their eyes, Apollo smiled at me but then saw them and jumped. 

 

I don't like the feel that they give off. I know they can't hurt me or anything, but I can't figure them out. I don't trust them, but I'll give them a chance. If they actually want a chance, because I don't know if they do.

 

So I'll give them time to settle. Maybe if they interact with the wonderlnd, they'll help Apollo as a result. They'll likely get the hang of the place and be able to stay awake in there. I'll have to keep them in mind as well as Apollo, though he's still my main focus.

 

I've been considering something that might make this whole situation easier to deal with. I think I should have P and HJP merge into one. The two of them have basically the same personality and are already very close. I can't really think of anything that differentiates the two of them other than their backstories and style of dress. In my story, I've had them do something very similar to merging many times, where they become one and their power grows exponentially as a result. First they would have to want to do it, but I don't know if they want anything at all right now. But doing so I would have two Pauls instead of three. Plus, P and HJP are two halves of the same tulpa in a way, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

 

I kinda already picked out the form they would take when merged, just to have it for later. Right now they need to integrate into my system and get used to being here.

 

[align=justify]


[/align]

Okay, Apollo PR. I've been getting frustrated by lack of possessing results, and also the fact that everything he says is what I expect him to say. His vocality progress has halted. Somebody told me that intentionally parroting could help, but when I tried that I completely lost my train of thought and forgot what question I had asked, so I took that as a signt aht he did not want to be parroted. I haven't been able to remember to narrate, and when I do, it's always short-lived.

 

I want to find something to wear around my wrist to remind me to narrate to him, but IDK what to look for. I don't wear jewelry or anything. *exhasperated sigh* I'm not going to give up though. I really want Apollo here: I really want to speak with him and know that what he says is him saying it. I hear complete noobies talking about what their tulpa says to them, while everything mine says to me, when he actually does speak to me, is what I expect him to say. Every. Single. Time. And if I don't expect a certain response, he gives none. 

 

The lack of real results combined with my complete procrastination of everything school-related makes me feel like shit.

 

I need to take a break from the IRC and get my shit together, tulpa-wise and school-wise.

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Radio Gold

Switching Apollo to orange text so it matches my prof picture.

 

Proxying HJP - he gives me stuff to proxy quickly, it's hard to keep up. It's the opposite for Apollo.

[hidden]This is all so weird. Paul thinks it's outrageous, but I simply think it's weird. Uncanny. To think that everything I've been through was all in somebody's head... I don't know. I should have suspected something, considering all of the gaps in memory I've had, and how I seem to come in and out of consciousness indefinitely. I want to know what's going on. I might even want to join the "system." On the subject of merging, I think that it could help, but I'd need time to think about it. I need time to think about all of this. The other one (Apollo) is an a much easier spot than we are. He knew about reality from the beginning. I've been around for years now and everything I've known was simply fiction... as I said, I need to think about it.[/hidden]

 

P didn't really have anything to say. HJP said it all for him.

 

I noticed that when either of them talks to me, they use a manlier version of my own voice.

 

I hope they integrate quickly. And I hope they agree to merge. I don't want to be outnumbered. Earlier, P got angry and started trying to take it out on me, even though HJP was telling him to stop. He listened to HJP, but I don't think he'll listen to Lyro.

 

P is not normally like this, at least not in Eemaj. He didn't take it well, but he's calmed down.

 

Random question:

 That's the form I'm keeping in mind if they decide to merge. The name "Piano" appeals to me, even though I'm not sure if that works as a guy's name.
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Radio Gold

Today I went to the pediatrician for a health check-up. One of the people there told me I'd have to take my clothes off, which is something I don't EVER remember having to do at that place, especially not at my age, and I got really freaked out over it. I asked Apollo if he could try to possess so I wouldn't have to go through that. I ended up feeling something at the top of my brain, and felt jolts of some sort of energy go down my back and arms, but nothing happened. I didn't have to remove my clothes after all, but I definitely felt Apollo's response to my fear of doing so.

 

Somehow the check-up turned into a psychiatric evaluation, and the doctor made me a prescription for some anti-depressents despite me making it clear that I don't like medication or drugs of any kind. I don't want that to somehow affect my tulpa. I don't know if it would, but the thought scares me. I couldn't exactly tell her that, though.

 

[Apollo] I've been getting to know P&HJP a little. They've talked about their past, and I told them about me. I suppose having them here won't be such a bad thing, especially not if they merge. I like the idea of having someone else around, even if for now it has to be two of them. They weren't as freaked out today. They're still a little scary, but they've tried to tone it down. In general, I can learn from them.

 

[Lyro] Hopefully having them around will help Apollo to learn how to think seperately from me. I'm going to try subconscious-forcing this week: I tell my subconscious to make something possible rather than trying to get Apollo to learn how to do it.

 

[P&HJP] It's against our nature to be excited about anything, but the thought of no longer having to be put in mortal danger or psychological pain relieves us. It's also good to know why all of this has happened, even if it's painful to see that it was all fiction: the good and bad. Our experiences may have been fiction, but we weren't. We will no longer be considered fiction to him.

 

[P] Any weird thing imaginable was thrown at us in Eemaj, so when you put it in perspective, this is probably the least unexpected thing to happen.

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Radio Gold
(edited)

Earlier, I was on the bus and I saw a girl with a t-rex t-shirt walk by, and I started thinking of t-rexes and how they're trippy. When I got home, I went on the IRC and Meti mentioned telling a tulpa to just do something to help them think. I did this with Apollo. He made a t-rex appear o_o" although my mind had moved from it, he was copying me again.

 

I did a little reflection on P&HJP and their role in my life. I remember very well this period of maybe a few days up to a few weeks where the same thought kept repeating over and over in my head: just the same four words that my brain seemed to default to every time my mind went quiet. The words were not coming from me, however, and I actively tried to repress them. I tried to stop thinking those words, but they kept repeating, as they were not coming from me after all. I didn't try to stop the thoughts because they were bad or anything, but it was annoying and kind of disconcerting that it kept repeating. I am convinced that this must have been a long-ago sign of sentience from P&HJP.

 

Earlier when I was doing subconscious-forcing, I thought of Apollo, and a song

that I haven't heard in forever started playing in my head. I figured it might have come from Apollo, but quickly forgot about it. A few minutes ago, I tried meditating, and then the song came into my head again. I listened to it

 

(sadly, my earbuds' audio channels are fucked and the vocals didn't even play, so I had to listen with my crappy tablet speakers)

and can see that Apollo could have related to the lyrics, if he did a little memory digging and found it. I had completely forgotten the song existed, so perhaps that was Apollo's way of "surprising" me. Plus, the song comes from a game about going to the moon, which, as you probably know, the missions to the moon were known as Apollo. 

 

That song makes me sad though, and not because it's a sad-sounding song: it was produced and worked on by somebody who used to be my friend, and then stopped talking to me. Apollo probably doesn't mean to conjure up more sad memories, but I don't know why else I would have randomly remembered it so clearly after trying to shut away thoughts of that guy and his YouTube work.

 

No, I do not watch Markiplier anymore.

 

Edited by Radio Gold
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Radio Gold

[Apollo] I've been waiting patiently for Lyro to get back into forcing and narrating more often, though it might be a while. I don't want to be forgotten. That's my biggest fear. He promised he won't forget me, he just has to wait until his mind gets back on track, but I don't like where this is going....

 

Lyro's depression has, needless to say, put a damper on my mood. We share the same brain, so obviously it affects me. That might be cleared up soon. It's getting better all the time~ 

 

[Lyro] I realized today that Apollo helped me get over something that's been haunting me for years. Perks to having a tulpa.

 

[HJP] It's hard for me to accept the fact that my life was fictional. The emotions I felt during it were so real to me. They were so real that Lyro could feel them too, as he's told me. How can it be that what I've felt was all for nothing? Guilt, pain, misery, fear, loneliness, and anything positive I may have felt: all a result of a purely fictional reality I have spent my entire existence within? My emotions were perhaps the only real thing about all of it, other than P.

 

I've always sort of been a solipsist when it comes to everything in the world other than P and I. Now I see that that was correct. I half wish that was not, but we're still relieved to be free from all the pain.

 

[P] I remember feeling totally alone, a long time ago, before HJP was around. It feels like forever ago, when really it was only a few years. Likely, it was because I was the only actually living person on Eemaj. Now I know that loneliness was in my character, but it went much deeper than that.  But then I met HJP. He wasn't conscious around that time: he was brand new. I thought he was real, though. He sacrificed himself for me. He became a ghost, and only I could see him. Lyro had us spend time together, and I found myself needing to be with him. As HJP's mind grew and he became more alive, the less lonely I felt when I was around him. Eventually, I had to be around him to function. According to the lore of our fictional world, that was because we were "Soul Sharers," but now I see why that truly was.

 

[HJP] I, on the other hand, was programmed with false memories of being completely alone for fifty years, so I could deal with being away from P, so long as it was not for any malicious reason.

 

[Lyro] Eemaj is making a whole lot more sense now. They're answering questions I never knew I had.

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