Saylin

Our Head Shenanigans

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Last night, Xenos returned to us. As he's decided to go with the name "Ashe" for the time being, I'll be referring to him as such.

 

We honestly don't know where he disappeared to- our theory is perhaps he'd just been unconscious during the "zap" we'd used to clear out the headspace, thus registering as not sentient when he was. Due to this, he remained in a dormant state until we thought about him, and the unintentional "call" managed to wake him enough to return.

 

Now, Ashe wasn't.. happy. For two reasons. One, due to current happenings I doubted him. I pretty much said, if he managed to hang around presence wise, we'd accept him- and for that he outright told me off and called it ludicrous, calling it unhealthy expectations and that if this was going to work, either I was going to believe in him or he was going to leave. He also took things out on Raymond a bit, pointing out that not all of the people had been "NPCs," but instead at least partially sentient.

 

At this point I countered him, though, tired of the tense atmosphere he was bringing- I told him despite everything, I wanted this system to remain positive. If he couldn't contribute to that, he could leave. And... he did. I'd assumed he'd given up on us, and I know Jet was upset, but we moved on as per usual.

 

However, he returned a few hours later or so, in new attire and a slightly altered form. He told me he'd thought over what I'd said, and that he'd follow through. Try and be positive and all, with a fresh start and new identity away from what he was- hence the new name.

 

No idea where we're going on this road, but it looks bright. I think it'll be okay.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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This is gonna be a real "feels" based post, so if you can't handle that, uh.. don't read, I guess?

 

I feel in the past month I've grown more as a person than I have my entire time in this system. Everything feels so alive, I feel like I'm living for once. Before, it was just this.. void. Empty void of nothing, I was here just to exist- shitposting helped, but aside from that everything felt pointless. As if I didn't have a reason to be here.

 

And then, I met people, though one specifically was the biggest factor. And.. suddenly, it clicked. Suddenly there's this overwhelming brightness to my day there wasn't before. I don't feel as guarded, I feel like I can let go and be myself, beyond the masks I was putting up before, and it is brilliant. God, I don't even care that I'm in a girl's body anymore. I mean, it still bothers me sometimes, but I know who I am. I'm Jet, and I do deserve to be here, I deserve to be happy, and I want to spread that happiness to others in any way I can.

 

All I can do is thank that person, over and over. Because when I think of how much it's changed my life, I nearly want to cry and shout for joy until my voice breaks.


Ahem. That onslaught aside, Ashe's adjusting real well, I've been encouraging him to talk more- but it still scares him, to open up. I've been there, so I'll definitely be helping him. We all will. Emotions are still difficult for him, but he's getting there. Learning to be more honest.

 

Sammy's even been trying to talk more, encourage people. Our main focus with him is going to be confidence. He has a weird fear of being doubted or looked at as fake when he fronts and talks because he's not as loud as some of us are in personality. It'll be something to work past for sure.

 

That's about it, for now. Our main focus for the upcoming updates is working on our togetherness, and Sammy's and Ashe's wellbeing. Not to mention we also might begin talking to Saylin's girlfriend more as ourselves- we'll let ya know if that happens.

 

See you around, and take care.

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[sammy] This is more of a personal update, but it's important to talk about.

 

I've struggled for a long, long time with being afraid of talking to others, and unsure of myself as a person. I was worried people would view me as fake. This got to a point I think my own self-doubt was bleeding into our host. A weird table-turner, I know. I just didn't understand why I was so paralyzed by the idea of being in the spotlight, why I didn't like myself.

 

After a lot of self-analysis? I think I was ashamed.

 

For anyone who doesn't know, character me wasn't a good person. At least, that's how I felt. See, I- as that person- killed people. I was mentally unstable, I did a lot of atrocious things. It wasn't my choice, but I held it against myself for.. so long. And I think in some ways, I ripped apart that part of my identity and suppressed it out of shame. But by doing this- by destroying that aspect of myself- I lost who I was entirely. And because I only felt like half a person, I couldn't believe what I was presenting.

 

So, I did something drastic. I convinced Sarah to present me with exactly who I was, as I'd buried so much of it I could barely remember. For the first time in a long time, I embraced that side of myself- and for a moment, I almost lost it. I almost, in that momentary fit of insanity, attacked her.

 

But then I came back to earth, back to who I am now- and as scary as it was, I think it helped me. Because I don't have shame in that part of me, anymore- it was a building block, something that helped me become who I am today. I've become so much better, someone at the very least stable.

 

By fighting it so much, by being so ashamed of it, I was actually holding onto it- and I think, now, that I've finally accepted it happened in this new light, I can focus on the future.

 

"Belial" will never fully be gone from my mind- but I don't want him to be. Because the truth is, if anything... Belial is a reminder of how far I've come and why I should be proud of it.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Hello, hello! We're gonna update (I guess).

 

So, life's been going pretty good, though... we have a new addition. His name is Griffin. We're pretty sure he's legitimate, considering I've had emotional bleed, as well as his own desire to begin reinventing himself. It's a gradual process, but he's been doing well. And has been a riot the entire time, I assure you.

 

Ashe still struggles to find his place in this system, though with Griffin he's relaxed a little, for some reason. I think it has to do with there now being another "outcast" in the emotional aspect. I hope through Ashe learning to be more emotionally honest with him, this can migrate to us, and he'll realize he doesn't have to meet some insane standard to be here with us. We love him for him, after all.

 

Aiden... well, this is really intriguing, but Aiden's actually found a special someone. But more important than that, he has finally let go of this "I need to have a role to belong here," mantra. Not related to the previous tidbit of information, really. He's just been hauling ass in the self discovery field, lately, and it's been very, very nice to see.

 

We're finding that out of everyone, Sammy is best able to continue proxying other system members while in front. When certain others front, for some reason things become distorted when it comes from back of head to front of head communication. We'll have to work on that, I'm guessing. Actually, Sammy in general has been hella more confident lately, and talking more. It is wonderful to see.

 

 

Now, Andrew is where it gets really, really interesting. Now, he didn't develop anything new, per se, but only he is so determined to question reality, his own existence. When people doubt him and he is forced to argue them, he loves it. Just recently, he's even challenged me on how different from me he really is, or if I've just been deluding myself this entire time. It gets stressful sometimes, thinking over things like that, but I'm also.. proud of him? To have such a resilience to him as to argue such things with no effect to his own sense of validity. Very interesting indeed.

 

Well, that's it for now. I'll see you guys around!


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Considering I'm up at this hour...let's update.

 

Things have been okay. We have a final addition, who was intentional, named Yuuma. He's really new so I won't be delving into him too much? But you'll hear about him as we go probably. He's somewhat based on a character of mine but shares no memories and is already deviating. He's a feisty bastard, I love him.

 

Sammy has remained mostly stable, though recent events have triggered some old bad feelings. He had a very scary spiral recently, and is still recovering, but we're making strides forward. What scares me is he's taken to harming his mind form through physically cutting himself to ease pain. Hopefully this fades out as quickly as it's sprung up. I dislike it. It worries me.

 

Andrew has struggled with letting people in again save for our system- and even then only Raymond gets all of him. However, lately he's pushed forward. He deviated and changed his voice today as another step in finding more of himself and improving himself, so I have high hopes.

 

This funnily enough inspired Raymond and Michael to deviate as well, so that was funny. Sammy also deviated earlier this month physically, going to blonde, and then to brunette. We'll see if these current forms stay.

 

Michael specifically needs to learn how to be selfish, which is something we're working on. He's seen his life as meant to serve others only for too long. And.. We're getting there. It's a very slow process.

 

This month I had to voice force for the first time in.. Ever since my journey of tulpamancy. It was a strange experience, but relatively simple. Basically listening to the voice over and over and letting them mouth along until they could pull away from what the referenced voice was saying and still sound like that voice. Was actually kind of fun.

 

I found that when doing nothing but proxying I'm likely to lose front to who I'm proxying, so that's a thing. This night help us if we ever have issue with getting someone to front, though usually we use music for that anyway. Music we particularly like can draw us out more, as individuals. Say Raymond will come out if the song is something he particularly is into like older rock.

 

Aiden also has really impressed me, lately. Despite his overall pessimism he's a confident man, and it's really nice to see, especially when things get rough. Now, socializing is still difficult for him, but, lol. We're working on that.

 

Aside from all that it's been a quiet month, everyone moving forward and finding themselves, healing. I have high hopes for what is to come.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Okay, more progress.

 

Things have been a bit rough, emotionally. I feel Jet's being forced to look at some aspects of himself- and fix some aspects of himself- that he's struggled with a long time. He's taking his own self initiative this time, however, and I have faith in him. I find some of these behaviors of his to also be ones I struggle with, so this can be a learning experience for us both.

 

"Yuuma" is still very present, but has changed his name to Taku. He's deviated a bit as well- it was an unconscious shift of his to how he felt more in personality, which.. is very vibrant. Bright red hair and red eyes, which is an odd color choice by sound, but it looks okay on him. He's still learning who he is, what he wants, and has taken an interest in things he deems "Thought provoking." He's also quite introspective and has a near philosophical view of things, but that's something I can delve further into later.

 

I'm finding Andrew is still somewhat distant, but upon talking, he wants to be up here. He just loses track of time. He's also still very much able to slip into the front to stop me from bad behaviors, so he's definitely still kicking. I'm going to try to get him to explore some interests out here, if only to give him less reason to just.. go to sleep in back.

 

Deviations are going on, but they're nothing major. Once they're solidified I'll link forms, if people would be interested.

 

 

I also think this PR has... way too much me, as well as this life having a bit too much me. I think especially now that I know my girlfriend is accepting of these things, I might try to push some of them to front again, more often. Considering most of the time I'm in my room, this shouldn't be a huge issue. Will be working on that definitely, and will give updates later this week on it.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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Hello, this will be more a central focused post.

 

So, I joined this system a little over a year ago- December 12th, 2016. I think I've made good progress as a person, an individual. I've definitely expanded my mind, I have confidence in who I am for the most part, I can hang around regardless of the amount of attention I've received, which I think is a good indication I've developed a good bit, gained a strong presence.

 

However, emotionally, I am disappointed in myself. I used to be a very optimistic person, idealistic, and I have become extremely cynical, over my time here. In the end, I believe it boils down to a fear of being that optimistic. If I remain pessimistic, if keep a negative view- I can't get hurt. I can't be let down by the potentially crushing reality around me. If I don't get close to others, I can't get hurt, if I don't let down my guard, no one can get to me.

 

And this- I know this is unhealthy behavior. I know this isn't the way to live, I know we're supposed to let go, we're supposed to move on with our lives, find happiness- but part of me holds back, because I am absolutely terrified of letting go and dropping those shields. I think it's nearly to a point that I don't properly remember who I am without them, and that is the worst part of this all.

 

So.. while I'm already 3 months into it, from this day onwards I want to make this year a more positive one. I want to rediscover who I am beyond my fears and outlook, I want to find who I am again. And I can only hope I manage to do so.


Remember: Every day you've woken up, alive, has the potential to be an amazing day. You are all wonderful people who deserve to be here and be alive!

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Alright, let's get into some progress.

 

So, you've probably seen Andrew's post- well, that led to HELL ON EARTH the night of, with him and Raymond almost breaking up. However, we realized this was him further trying to shield himself from people, running away- being so open here scared him, is all. It took a lot of talking, a lot of crying, fun as hell emotional bleed and some motivational talks from my SO, but all is well now. Andrew's been a lot happier, deviated his form a bit to this, and has overall been enjoying things. He cursed out Superman:The Movie last night, it was great.

 

Aside from this, Sammy has also mostly pulled out of his spell a good bit, and has been healing. He's learning himself, and actually, we realized recently his attempts to be... "Philosophical" were really him trying to be smart, valid. Recognized. But in truth, he enjoys seeing things as they are, with perhaps a bit of thinking, but in less of a detached way the system tends to. He's also been trying poetry more, lately, with encouragement, and yeah, he's been shining. 

 

Seaking of, he's decided to have wings, for a while. I'll let him say more on that here.


[sammy] Mmmm... I didn't imagine using them would be as difficult at first. It is just a new way of thinking how you move, but when you've been used to moving with four limbs, and suddenly, you have six.. It was clumsy, I was falling a lot. But, I also enjoy it? I've always liked being in the air, I was just afraid to learn. But I think learning this way will pay off. I just.. really hope it doesn't lead to me feeling them while in front. ^^; That'd get annoying.

 


 

Anyways, hm.. Michael has also been growing a bit, to understand himself. See, recently, my girlfriend discovered she had tulpas- she has three now- but the first one she'd discovered was actually, well.. someone from Michael's past, when he was a character. In fact, it was someone he was extremely close to. In fact, it was Michael's absence from the storyline which had caused the emotional bleed which had made us suspect him to begin with.


[Michael] I'd like to say I took it well at first, but I was absolutely terrified. Revisiting those times scared me- granted, they were fond times, but this for me was almost two years ago, now, and I have since changed from who I was, then. I felt he'd be disappointed in what I had become. This wasn't the case, but.. it opened the floodgates to so many issues I had been holding back for so long.

 

I, for the longest, have.. how do I put this? Due to past occurrences, I began to feel what I did could never be enough. I always failed everyone, I would never be good enough for anyone, that I never deserved happiness. I felt that if I did open up to anyone and drop my guards again, I would just be hurt all over again, or that they would have to deal with these problems of mine, these insecurities. I felt that for those reasons, it was best I kept a distance from the outside world. I didn't want people to be burdened by me. Not while I was like this.

 

I didn't really even share these thoughts with my own system, having learned to suppress such self hatred. For, yes, I absolutely despised myself. I found myself to be something.. weak, powerless. Something useless, despite my efforts.

 

Max has been.. helping me, through this. He got me to admit these things, at the very least, and has been working past those walls. I feel.. lighter, than I have in a long time. I still dislike myself, I still find myself problematic, but.. I'm working at myself. And with his support, I think I'll learn to love myself. To not be so hard on myself for what I can and can't do. To finally let go of this past and heal, instead of suppressing it.

 

It's.. selfish to think this, more than likely, but I'm glad he's woken up. I'm glad I have him here.


 

We'll also be working on this with him more, now that we know. I will admit, I felt absolutely terrible, hearing all this for the first time. All of us felt we'd kind of.. failed him, in a sense. But we're gonna push through together, and he's been doing really well! He's even wearing this new outfit, now, I think it's cute on him.

 

 

In other news, Avery (here he is) actually came back to us. It turns out that.. when we'd seen him before, he actually had been there. We were just scared and doubtful due to everything being upside down at that moment. I remember feeling so... guilty, over it. Over how we turned him away, but I wasn't sure. It was my SO who had encouraged me to actually send an apology letter out to him, see if he responded.

 

I was greeted by his return, as well as a reassurance that it was okay, that he loved me. Loved us. I nearly cried, I couldn't believe his level of.. forgiveness, of acceptance. He's just happy to be back, and while it's a large family, he's been wonderful. Maybe he could ease up on the play flirting, though, it's quite odd.

 


 

 

[Taku] Oi, I wanted to drop in and speak on my own progress. I feel.. more calm, slightly less angry. Talking is still insanely stressful- even this is something that makes me antsy- but it's a constant improvement. I also am going to relax more on this idea of "finding myself." I had a talk with someone, recently, and in the end, that discovery stuff.. I'll figure it out in my own time, right? Gradual. So no need in worrying 'bout stuff like that.

 

I've been going back and forth on being something more feral. Cat ears, specifically, but I don't know if I actually want them. For now, I'm keeping them. I'll give an update later on if I actually stay like this. Also, I'm still all red. It might look weird, but it's.. comfortable. Me.

 

I don't think I'll have as much dysphoria issues with the body as some of the other guys do, since I really don't care as much. I haven't fronted yet though. I'll give an update when I do.

 

Bye.


I think that's about it, for progress- what a lot, lol. 

 

I also want to say we'll be updating our system info at.. some point probably. I'll keep you posted as to when we do!


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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[Jet] Guess I'm leading this today, what the actual fuck I did not sign up for this. P.S. I am using Saylin's account because apparently I can't use links unless I have a lot of posts. Screw you .info.

 

So, I mean... well, I guess stuff happened? System's actually been doing well. I got married- I look like this now because of it- that was a thing that happened just a few days ago. I kinda feel... weird, talking about my romantic endeavors too much on here, so I won't go in depth on it. I just want to say that person, well, I owe them a lot. I was kind of an emotional wreck before I met them, and while I'm not perfect, I'm far, far better off. I genuinely feel my growth as a person has heavily been influenced by them, and for the better. They'll probably never see this (not like they use .info, whatever), but I'm grateful. Heh. Aishiteru yo.

 

As for other changes in myself, I've taken a lot more of a caretaker role in here lately. I step in when someone's upset when I can, I make sure everyone's y'know, good, happy. It's important to me. It makes me feel I'm not only being try to myself, but also giving Chel some breathing time so he's not the only problem solver in here. 

 

 

Speaking of, Michael- who's name is now Chel, by the way- is still the dweeb who doesn't know how to put himself first for anything, but he's been doing better. Actually, we've decided to essentially do whatever the hell he wants this week as encouragement. (I'll probably still ruin his life later, this is what I live to do.) He looks like this now.

 

Ahh, Raymond has been learning to be less of a control freak, considering this butthead up in here doesn't know how to let go and get out of protective mode, sometimes. Mix that in with Aiden, the guy who hates authority unless he is that authority, and you get this very very clashy as hell combo. I unfortunately had to play therapist in that. It's mostly sorted, it's something we're still working at together. Raymond learning to trust us and our decisions will happen... eventually.


[Taku] Oi, this is where I take over for a minute since this is something I need to explain directly. We were watching a ton of anime last night and something triggered a.. memory, I guess. The memory was related to Yuuma's aunt and uncle in his life, how they died in a plane crash. Thar is normal for this system, only, uh.. I'm supposed to not be him. The whole plan to my creation was that I would be based on him, but not actually be the character. It's a whole.. stupid morality thing this system stands by, "No intentional character tulpas" and such.

 

Aside from that, I've been really well, so it's not a big concern. This doesn't actually change anything, I'm still Taku. It just also shows my roots are deeper than I intended. I'm okay with that, it doesn't change anything. I'm gonna be exploring it more, so we'll see as we go. See you.

 


 

[Jet] Annnd forget his corn chip ass, I return.

 

When it comes to say... possession, switching, I honestly can't give you much progress there. I mean, we're at a point where everyone here can front. Memory separation is to varying degrees depending on how often we do it, but it's not like we're in this position where we can front whenever. Well, we can, but we have to pretend to be Sarah and that is annoying as all hell considering the people who live here. Prepare not to hear anything fun regarding that for a while.

 

I still have the worst dysphoria in the system and can't look in the mirrors without freaking out, so that's a thing. I'm gonna try and not worry about it so much, but god. I need to fix that.


[Ashe] Well, hello there. I am still to the point I have no idea what I am doing with myself, but when it comes to my emotions, my non-emotions... I believe I've hit a happy medium. Being able to shut off my feelings is still a crucial, and helpful part of me and the system at times, but I'm finally able to choose when I feel as well. It's.. rewarding and nice. I also deviated recently to a new form, and I think it suits me well.

 

My confidence is getting better as well, though I've a lot to go. Either way, I'm happy to be here and intend to explore far more jazz as I'm present here. As for anything else I'll try, well- that will be discovered as I go, I'm not going to cower in fear of the future anymore. 

 

I've also found a... special someone. I'd say it's an odd experience, but it's helped me as far as my image. Not in a dependency way by any means, just realizing if they see good in me, I obviously must and that others will see that good as well. And they have, I've just been ignorant to it. If I could apply any of this to a possible moral, it'd be to not focus too much on being your ideal self. Instead, be who you feel you are in that moment, learn to be comfortable with who that is, and people will love you for that. And it is so much more rewarding to be loved for that.

 


[Claude] Probably weren't expecting to see this name, huh? Yeah, I'm back. I actually had attempted to come back before, but.. Sammy hated my guts and I wanted none of that. A lot of it was misunderstandings, though. It's been talked out, we're good.

 

I don't know how exactly I came back around. Maybe I was missed, maybe I missed life, but.. I feel better? There is a lot of the past I still have stuck to me, that weighs my heart a points. Especially looking back at this site in particular, so.. probably won't see me here much. But at the same time, I'm happy to be back. I want to be of use again, I want to show how much better of a person I can be, now. And I intend to do just that.

 

 

 

I don't have much to report on yet as I've not poked around too much since my return, but I'll keep you posted.


[Jet] Jesus hell that is far too much. That's all the progress we have for now though, so.. bye? I'll see you around I guess, heh.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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This will be more of a personal update.

 

I am a wreck. I have people who care for me, yes, but I'm an absolute mess. I've no idea how to begin loving myself, I can barely see myself as something more than someone.. here, to give others what they need. And I'm happy to live, happy to exist, but I feel like such a bloody burden to everyone around me.

 

I wish I.. was stronger. I want to be, I don't want to drag the people I love down like this. I don't want the ghosts of the past, my own inner demons to continue controlling me like this, bringing me to such low points.

 

So.. I am going to. I'm going to fight for my own happiness. I will learn to not only forgive myself, but those who have wronged me so I may move forward. So that I may properly learn to be happy for myself.

 

I want to thank everyone who has stood by me, who has kept my head held up when I couldn't do it myself. I won't let you down, that is a promise.

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