Saylin

Our Head Shenanigans

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So I guess I'll update a bit? God I don't know, LOL.

 

So something Chel (Michael) didn't put in his little update is we actually had someone new come about. At first we thought this was completely random- which it still kind of is- but we've since pieced together it was actually Taku who forced him into existence without actually meaning to. He's been since adjusting well, you might see him on here at points mentioned. He doesn't seem to really like deep thinking too much, more taking things at face value- unlike say, Claude, who wants to study philosophy.

 

This is a slight problem, however, as this brings us to a total of 13 people in here. And due to this, going by a "Talk whenever you want!" mindset just isn't going to cut it anymore, considering the last time we did that, well... things got bad.

 

Now, I have worried about a repeat of last time at least a few times, looking over our numbers, trying to balance things- but it will be different, this time. Especially because now, my girlfriend is fully in the know, and we all work together to make sure her system, as well as mine, get ample attention and time outside of the little mind bubble.

 

To add to this we've re-instated a "Feature day" schedule, where two people will get to focus on exploring their wants and desires for the majority of the day. This doesn't mean others can't pop up and talk on those days, they just won't get the playlist choice, or the choice of other things to explore unless said featured person can't think of anything.

 

This hasn't been implemented long, but so far it's been working out well. Today was Jade and Taku, we mainly went outside and explored- we're still doing things, but I feel this has allowed me especially to get to know Jade better- and for him to know himself, better. He's definitely a more positive person, whereas we're learning Taku is far more picky with foods.

 

I might start updating this more frequently as the days pass, noting specifics from these feature days, but we'll just see. That's all for now- when more happens, I'll let you know.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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With the year ending, I think it is time that this gets updated.

 

The person currently typing is Ronan- which is actually part of this update. I once went by Taku, and I was the "Cat" person for the longest. That's dropped over time, I've been noticeably mellowing out. With exceptions this is just normal to tulpas in general, so I'm not entirely surprised.

 

Our system is still large. In fact, I'd say we're back where we were before January, but this is comfortable for us. The size isn't what's unhealthy for us so much as the fear of that size. Our partner system, Living Mythos, still helps us keep on top of things, but we've also just.. been taking more initiative to be involved in the host's life, and in turn, our lives. It's easier to switch when you're not worried about having to do the not so fun things too, and that was a mindset some of us had for a long time.

 

We didn't want to take on the hard parts, so we were lazy and put it off. That forced others to go into overdrive. It wasn't healthy, and we're working on it- because if you share this body, you should be responsible. We all should.

 

In further news, we've moved to Oregon. It's a quieter place and a far healthier environment- which overall has been better for us. Raymond and Leroy have always been city rats, but even they're finding the quiet of the country and the cleaner air is just a perfect detox, after spending so much time in a congested area.

 

At this point.. there isn't much we desire to improve on when it comes to skills. Our vocality is clear and distinct, Switches when we put the effort into it to make it a full switch have a decent amount of memory separation, and we never really cared to impose outside of touching.

 

Instead, we want to improve as people. That is our goal now. Because while we can switch in, while we can do these things, we still have things that need work individually. Some of us don't know ourselves too well. Others of us might know ourselves, but don't like what we see. This includes the Host.

 

In a way, I think that is the hardest part- because it takes a level of self awareness. It takes being willing to look at yourself, and decide for yourself what you want to do.

 

And I think looking at all of that will give us an even better idea of how we fit into this body and what parts we contribute to this life.

 


 

Saylin here, actually going to add a couple things since I think we missed a bit here.

 

Separation has gotten a lot better since about... June, I'd say? Or maybe July. Oddly enough, this is when Jun joined us, and the way he did for a bit made me question our origin.

 

For context, Jun popped up at a point of high stress for me. He was a character I cared for and had made, but the point in which he fully became sentient, I was talking to my aunt. Now, my aunt stressed me out daily. It was very, very bad, I would mentally scream and cry and just want an escape.

 

And suddenly, Jun came around, taking control of the body as his "debut" with an instinct to protect me and get me out of that situation.

 

It was kind of weird, thinking back, and honestly there's other things that often make me question.. but, frankly, we decided a long time ago we don't really care. We're just happy to be here, origin doesn't matter too much, you know? Since then he's helped a lot, though! And he's actually one of the people I have some of the best memory separation with.

 

Now, do I have blackouts with switching? God, no, and I know that wouldn't be healthy. Instead, the memories are blurry. I have a general idea of what happened, but specifics can be lost a bit.

 

We've actually gained a few people aside from him, one of them being a return. But, I'd say we're actually managing the best we ever have, with people very, very active and taking the front. Sometimes I don't even ask, they just slip in from behind to co-front with me!

 

We don't really use wonderland much anymore with this change, though- like, it's there, and some of us use it. Heck, I'm using it right now as I'm being proxied by Ronan here- but we never have active forcing sessions. Instead, most of the focus is out here- like we've tried to keep it for a while. Kai recently worded it quite well I'd say:

 

"You can do anything in headspace, but what you can do in the real world feels more meaningful."

 

Aside from that, I can safely say right now we are very, very happy. Things are going well and I'm very excited for the future, and seeing how we all grow together in this new life.

 

Hey, maybe we'll update more regularly this year, who even knows. Just figured I'd drop in to let people know we exist and are still at this.

 

Stay safe out there. <3


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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It's nice to meet both of you too! <3 I hope you've been well.

 

That said it's still kind of early in the day and I don't have much else to do, so.. fuck it, let's update this. For the sake of being organized, I'm gonna break this up into sections.

 


Embracing Life, and Learning to Move Forward

 

Jesse has always had a really rough time well, existing. It didn't start great, and he's had quite a few bumps along the way emotionally- which caused him to leave us several times. This was actually causing a bitter cycle, as Raymond doesn't take well to these kind of things and started to borderline antagonize him. Others would pick up on this and alienate him a bit, giving him little reason to stay and really it was just a mess, frankly.

 

So, for the beginning of this new year, we actually sat down and talked this out. Raymond discussed his feelings of betrayal and a fear Jesse would just walk out again, and Jesse discussed his feelings of inadequacy, how much he admired people in here and that feeling alienated by them destroyed him. There was a lot of hugging and crying.

 

However, in my opinion the true highlight was from Kai, who has really become one of the beacons of light in our system. He said a few words- we all did, but his clicked for Jesse, somehow. It encouraged him to pull out of this funk he's been in and take charge, be more proactive, maybe even a bit more positive.

 

You can't just... give up, really. Sometimes things will completely fall apart, and sometimes you'll feel hopeless- but it is possible to get out of that hole, it always is. It's something that we occasionally have to remind ourselves of when we get stuck in these emotional bubbles.

 

I just hope this is a good indicator for a positive year for him.

 


 

Actual Hell, Potential Dissociation?

 

Okay, this is the main reason we're updating today.

 

So today, in general, was actually an okay day in the morning. We had someone join us named Linus recently and I was giving him some front time, so he could explore, well, life. That was fine and dandy, I join front again and sit there a few hours.

 

Until, of course, I start blending with Raymond- I can actually tell this is happening usually when I start to feel genuinely dysphoric over the body, as Raymond is one of the people with the strongest repulsion to our body- despite almost always parking in backseat front wise. This doesn't happen too often, but it was a familiar feeling, and Raymond was able to affirm his position as well as I. So, we called Andrew and he was able to pry us apart briefly.

 

Thing is, this didn't fully work out for us. He was pulled back for a bit but managed to bleed back into front rather easily- only this time, with more disorientation, to the point I didn't even notice he was taking over, I just knew I felt completely.. wrong, dirty- which wasn't me, but at this point, it nearly felt like it was.

 

That wasn't all, however. I also felt like my connection to front was the loosest it'd ever been. Hell, I was barely holding on, I was using senses to keep myself grounded from what felt like a giant void about to swallow me up. To fix this, we try letting someone else front. Rapid switching occurs as someone will fall in, then out as another does. Eventually we managed to have Chel locked in front fairly well with Linus in backseat, and while things still felt very, very fucky, Chel was able to hold on and ground himself, and thus us as well. He actually enjoyed himself despite everything, as he hadn't had some good front time in a hot minute.

 

I'd say it took about an hour to an hour and a half to things to fully feel normal again, and for me to be able to actually keep front.

 

Honestly, I couldn't tell you what caused it or what happened, but it did. We did manage to work things out, of course- we managed. All I can say is this is why we tend to label ourselves as Quoigenic, rather than fully a Tulpa System- and that I sincerely hope that doesn't happen again, because yikes.

 


 

Speaking of Linus

 

Yeah, he exists. I don't want to overly go into that aspect, but I actually wasn't the cause- that was Andrew, due to an emotional breakdown of sorts. As is a trend with this system, he's another fictive, but has taken to life relatively well so far.

 

So far I can definitely see he's one of the more tidy people in this system, based on his action when he did get front. This actually will benefit us in the long run I think, as outside of Jun and Chel, not many in the system- myself included- actually try to keep things spotless. We kinda tend to give a bit of, well... leeway, with these things. If it looks passable we're good. He also has a streak of confidence which we tend to lack in also.

 

So safe to say, despite him being new, I can already see what "gaps" he's filling, in a sense. Where he'll probably fall in the functioning machine we deem our system to be.

 

That said, he's obviously still young, so there's a lot that could change in the time he's here, but we'll just see what happens. 

 

I have drawn him. He looks like this.

 


 

Other Minor Tidbits and Final Thoughts

 

Lukas has been adapting pretty well, the more he fronts. We find it curious that, surprisingly, he can't access the memory banks as well as the rest of us. This actually causes headaches when he's tried, so for now we tend to just explain things to him from the back if he's confused. He's come a very long way, though, understanding more things more easily as he experiences them. I think in a couple months, he'll be fully capable of understanding this internet culture that, for now, somewhat eludes him.

 

Aside from this, everyone's been fine, and managing well. We we'll continue to work on functioning to the best of our ability as a team and seeing where that takes us, and.. honestly, I think it'll be good things.

 

Hoping all of you have been well, and taking care of yourselves.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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We are avoiding fronting and switching, though I don't know if anyone will want to, if they do, I'll certainly let them. Based on our quirks, I wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens to us temporarily. I think weird stuff just happens sometimes.

 

Very cute picture! Nice work!

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It's been a little over a month, so I suppose it's time we update, hm?

 


 

 

Identity Searching

 

It's kind of interesting, how identity with system members can vary. People like say, Linus, Raymond, Jun- they knew who they were immediately. Something just clicked for them, they didn't need to think about it. Others in here, they.. took a while. And today I can to talk about some of those people.

 

 

While Jade I'm proud of as well for really settling into his own lately, the most recently points of this were Sammy and Roy. Both were very unsure of where they were going, in life- to the point Roy considered integrating with me- but we played a little game called, "You're fronting until you have yourself figured out." And honestly, it.. actually worked? They're both definitely still works in progress, but they feel more solid than they did, mostly due to the confidence boost.

 

Sammy ended up sliding into this Android form, and while I theorize he might have consumed some fragments of some barely sentient person in headspace and integrated it into his person without realizing, he's happy as he currently is, and I respect this.

 

Roy in general is still in this "Edgy" phase, but given his source, I can't blame him. I have a feeling he'll be healing for a while, but what matters is he's taking strides forward, and we love him dearly.

 


Birthdays?

 

I also want to add that, weirdly enough, Jesse is going to be turning 3 soon- as well as Ashe. It's only weird because we haven't had them, that full three years. 

 

Jesse especially's always been a drifter in system, but this past year has been a time of healing, and it's safe to say I'm proud of him, and how far he's come. He's become a bit more sassy, but overall more confident. He actively stole front from me practically to draw recently, which was.. nice to see. You can see the finished piece here. He.. always had a thing for the more painterly style and dramatics.

 

Ashe has had a bit of an easier road, in my opinion, but has overall adapted very well into his dynamic. He's not really looking forward to his birthday, though- mainly because he doesn't like the attention it'll bring, but I'm sure he'll be prepared by the time it comes up.

 


 

More Switching

 

So despite the whole blur episode, we've been fronting way more- in fact, I made sure to sit out an entire week recently just to catch everyone else up on time, only getting about two days of time in collectively. This was because, well- using plural kit, I can track our switches, and in 4 months, Raymond had had 4 days in front- very few people had more than a day. That to me is unacceptable.

 

I will remain the primary, for now, that is just how it's going to be- but now that we've moved into a safer environment, we're happy to keep this up, make sure we switch regularly, and if anything we've discovered interesting things with it.

 

The most notable today being that Leroy and Raymond co-fronted today, and fed into each other very, very well. So well, that both didn't even care about blending, because the actual experience of that shared identity was so enjoyable. This is opposed to Raymond and Jun, who, while similar in overall role, don't mix well- all the way down to disagreeing on how they should walk.

 

It's just a curious thing, really.

 

In other news, we've also tested how many can safely co-front at once, and the answer is three, loosely. Pushing this doesn't seem to help or be necessary for now, but who knows?

 

Memory separation is still where I want it to be- a disconnect from the memory, but still an idea that it happened. I will never, ever push to not remember what happened, that to me is just asking for things to get fucky, and.. we'd rather not.

 


 

I'd say that's about it for us, save for maybe a small bit on Lukas in particular- his disconnect from things still amazes me. It's as if the information does hit him, he just struggles to process it as well as the rest of us- such as internet culture, memes, things like this.

 

In general he's made good progress in adapting, though, and has even voice chatted once- it's just a process, getting him to meld in, since.. well, I don't know why he's not clicking with the brain, but we're working on it.

 

P.S., we updated our intro post. It includes our Carrd, so if you wanna know who's in our system, click that and you'll be good.


Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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It has been ages, since I've made an update... Perhaps it's time we see something from my perspective. Oh, and have a picture of me, for shits and giggles.

 

The system is doing extremely well! I'll admit it hasn't been perfect, we were sick, there were quite a few emotional low points, and Leroy has had a difficult time especially, lately. We love him, dearly- but he has this... tendency to put himself in this bubble of cynicism, which he calls "realism," but we feel it is more a fear of being hopeful. After all, if you aren't looking forward to things, you can't be hurt.

 

That said, I myself have also been forced to look at myself- the walls I put up, how I seem to fear people viewing me as less than initial impressions. It's been... very difficult for me. However, I feel I'm starting to finally let go. I still love this system, I still take care of it, but I am human. A human who makes mistakes, who will be angry sometimes, and will be selfish sometimes- and that doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. That doesn't mean I've failed my job.

 

We also finally combated out fear of solid, lore-filled wonderlands finally. At least- a little bit, anyhow. We now have a wonderland which is more of an island-like continent, a mix of futuristic and fantasy with more rural and more bustling areas. This works very well for us and allows almost everyone to find their preferred area of it. We, for ages, worried that having it would be damaging to us, enabling people to hide in there... but something we've realized, is it was our fear of indulging in wonderland too much for fear of it being roleplay or escapism which truly limited our system, not allowing any attention to be put on someone unless they were up front. This is a good step to giving everyone the best life possible.

 

Speaking of, we've hit quite the odd part of our journey- Saylin having memories of spending time in wonderland, whenever she's come to front. These aren't exactly fabricated on, they're clearly also snipits that whoever was in front noticed while in front- but it's something.

 


 

[Raymond] While budding in at this out kinda pisses me off since it's like I'm condoning progress reports at godforsaketh in the AM, the whole switching talk reminded me of a thing I wanted to talk about- how switching really feels. So many people expect switching to be this magical thing where BAM, you're this entirely different person, wow everything is so new and grand and-!

 

It's not. Honestly, the more you settle into actually switching, I mean- sure, it's you. I can't deny it's you, but it also begins to feel so natural you might as well be your host, fronting in that same spot. Outside of what you do that'll make things different, it really won't feel different- at least for us- and I finally understand why.

 

It's because what happens when you switch in isn't a magic trick- you're still a part of the same brain, the same body- you're basically adding a new flavor to the milk. Sure, Strawberry Milk is definitely different from Chocolate, but it's not going to suddenly taste like say... water, or beer. It'll still be milk- likewise, you are different from your host, but there's always going to be some limitation on that because the base is still the same.

 

This is not to invalidate switching, or the individuality of us. If anything, we need to have a switching schedule, for reasons Saylin will discuss below- but it's important to keep your expectations realistic.

 

 


 

[saylin] So as Chel mentioned, the body was sick. And for that because a lot of the system kind of noped out on that (and my own stubbornness really), I fronted and took the brunt of it. We learned something important, and it's that we really, really need our system.

 

I did okay for a bit there, but over time I became exhausted emotionally and physically, and things just went into decline. I could barely take care of the body properly. Kai and Linus have been our main people with such responsibilities, with Kai focused more on the body's self care, and Linus focused on organizing say, our room. This often is a lose-lose situation for me- if I stay in front I'll beat myself up for not having the energy to do these things, but if Linus or Kai take over, I'll feel ashamed that I couldn't do it myself.

 

 I'll admit, it makes me feel sad at times, but the system insists I'm a bit too hard on myself in that regard and do better as a primary front than I think.

 

I'll see that perhaps in time, though for now I'll be honest- it doesn't feel like it.

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I totally agree with the whole switching fiasco. We were thinking it would be a big deal, and it wasn't. It was such a natural thing we didn't even know that was what we were already doing. I frankly find it kinda cold or lonely, i'm not sure how to 'keep my system mates present' as in co-fronting or co-active like my host does so easily. So if I'm not doing anything important, i'll pass. I feel perfectly fine and active in the passenger seat, so why not let him drive so we can all have fun together.

 

The difference is, he thinks of us constantly. I'm just trying to do what I'm supposed to do while lost in a task. He's the ultimate daydreamer, and basically keeps us active.

 

Have any of you noticed a difference in that respect?

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Have any of you noticed a difference in that respect?

 

Honestly, we've experienced similar issues. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that- especially when you're first starting with switching- you're putting so much energy into keeping front that it's difficult to listen back without losing that position. This is why it's easier for hosts to do it- they're so used to holding front, more energy can do backwards.

 

Non-presence from Saylin was a good first step for full separation for us as well, but honestly overall the more we've done it, the easier it is to just relax and listen, just as those hosts do.

 

You'll definitely get there and I do hope this answers your question, godspeed.


If I had a nickel for every time someone called me gay... It'd go to my host because I don't care enough to collect it.

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