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Giving in to Ego


Ponytail

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Honestly and truly, I think this is a good thing. Switching and fronting require so much trust in your tulpas. To be able to just have them front like that, in control so easily? You've definitely done something right here, and should be proud. Keep up the good work. <3

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When my tulpas start proxying each other but I'm slipping in and out of control and so are they... Agh! It's not painful or frustrating it's just very... loopy and you begin to feel less real, if that makes sense.

 

Oh yeah happens to us to, but with me being me we reached The Fuck It Point pretty fast.

And that's all the advice I got. Stop caring and it suddenly isn't an issue anymore. We at most attempt to study it when it happens, but that's it.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.

Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.

CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.

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Though, that can't be proxying. Either eclipsing or possessing.

 

I hear what they say and type it not sure what else to call it.

 

Also, Doc, really it's just the fact that it's weird.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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Quote of the Day: "If it doesn't melt your ears, it's not worth listening to." - Tula

 

I'll let you decide how out of context you can take that. Anywho, as per usual law, I have to start this PR by saying WHAT'S UP, BIIIIIIIITCHES?!

 

So Ponytail decided to do the ultimate gay: Go to a live wrestling event. BUT, he was having us watch and it was hella. Mostly though, the entertainment was the crowd chanting and Josh's witty one-liners that he sometimes held back on because there were children around us. So yeah, those were my thoughts. Omega was paying attention to Tula, as she can't do shit without our help yet. But, he definitely seemed to enjoy the show, though he wishes there was more blood, because he's gross like that. Tula was the most boring of us, she just enjoyed it because we were all doing something together. Tula is so happy all the time, I don't get it. But, I guess I shouldn't be upset or concerned at her happiness, just happy that she isn't neurotic.

 

Anywho, just a little thing, see ya nerds :p

I like umbrellas.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello various, pathetic human life forms.

 

You see, I'm allowed to be a condescending, entitled shithead because I graduated high school and going to college and that makes me sophisticated and thus all of you worse by comparison. *Holds pinky up.* So, aside from graduating high school a few days ago, I'll go over other major bits about progress.

 

Practicing really switching is taking the back burner for now. We just aren't in a situation (Read: Living with people who really don't need to know I'm crazy) to actually really practice that. I mean, I guess we COULD but wtf is the point of learning to switch if Annabell is going to constantly be yelling for my help on even the most basic of human things? (Such as, "Josh, where is the fucking bread?"). Slight exaggeration, I'm sure at this point Annabell could live fine without me. She's gotten this habit of constantly observing me and making comments. However, I can't hear her when I'm focused on something. Or maybe she just doesn't talk? I dunno. She says it's a little of both.

Recently I've also been practicing imposition. It's coming along... okay? I read a few guides, most of the ones here are not beginner friendly I've noticed. However, I did find one that suggested using hallucinations and trying to manipulate them/ recreate them for practice. The first example it gave is the sparks you get from eye pressure. When I woke up this morning, I saw something behind my fan and I recognized it as a hallucination (I get a lot of minor hallucinations when I try to dissociate from my eyes, which I do alot). Instead of blinking it away like I normally do though, I tried controlling it. I managed to make a vague outline of Big Ben and a generic car a kindergartner could draw. I couldn't move these images from behind my fan, however. For clarity's sake, it's a ceiling fan and it's on.

 

Annabell has been feeling really well recently. I guess me no longer having the stress of school has allowed us a break to cool down and Annabell as a result has been far more... her pursuit of coitus has been higher and she's been cuddling me a lot more. She's also become god-like at possession, able to take control of everything save my voice practically instantly.

 

I was recently reminded of how Omega used to act when I first made him aware that everything he ever knew and hated was a lie. We need a word for that. Anywho, point is, it's occurred to me how much he has really changed. He's sorta gotten over his old habits and I'm really impressed and proud he's done it. If you want more details, hunt me down, it's a lot of writing and I'm unbelievably lazy, so it doesn't end up here.

 

Tula exists. Thank god I've been noticing that more. Admittedly, it's really hard for me to pay attention to anyone but Annabell. Annabell loves me a lot more and I love her a lot more so it usually means she and I get like, really high on emotion and it's just an incredible experience (Don't read too much into that, I'd tell you if the sex was great. Which it is, btw). Meanwhile, Tula loves me, but in comparison to Annabell it feels like she merely tolerates my presence. As a result, I don't look forward to forcing sessions with her as much. Omega doesn't care either way and he ends up forcing Tula while I appreciate my laziness. However, I've been better about this and have been forcing Tula alot more. It's still a 12/5/1 ratio of time spent between Annabell, Tula, and Omega respectively, give or take. Omega's fine where he's at, but ideally it'd be a 6/6/1 ratio. Ahh, things to work on.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Okay, I actually hate life. I did something that caused my original writing of this to go up in smoke. Or I posted it in the wrong place and I am not happy. I said something, and I can't remember it, kill me. But, hey, atleast I remember that I went through a touching story about this servitor I didn't realize was a servitor or even existed until last night.

 

So, long, long story short, I used to meditate or whatever in order to become more loyal to my girlfriends (I haven't had a girlfriend in three years please love me). I'd focus all my sexual and romantic attention to them and sorta like, alter my preferences in girls to match them. So, little did I know, somewhere along the line this became an automatic process any time someone dedicates themselves to one person. So, Annabell like, admires this relationship Omega has with another tulpa. So, in her admiration of this relationship, she promised to be more dedicated to her girlfriend. Then, without much warning, we felt something at work on Annabell. Upon closer investigation, it was definitely something beyond our control. So we know it was a servitor, I guess, and Annabell gave it a name. Then someone gave the idea of giving this servitor an anime girl form. Annabell thought of a cute form and name and now wants it as a tulpa and I'm worried. I'm stopping her and taking measures from it becoming a tulpa but, expect me to become a system of 5 for the dumbest damn reason ever.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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Yeah, it really weirds me out that I didn't make this intentionally. It had no form until yesterday, and that was to symbolically limit it to when we want to use it. Eventually I'm going to learn I had 73 other processes like this that I never considered are servitors and they'll all one-by-one become tulpas and then I'll jump off a bridge to end my madness.

 

Or perhaps my imagination is too active.

The System:

 

It's too big.

ha, that's what she said.

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