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Vixen's Frustration


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I'd like to say right here that this does have a positive outcome even if it does sound pretty crap from the start. ^^;

 

So for a long time I've been here - almost three years now I think. For so long I told myself I didn't need to make one of these, that it wouldn't be useful or that I didn't know what I'd say in it even if I did.

 

During the time I was active before my approximately 7 month hiatus from the forum I was an avid reader of many progress reports, KruegerMeister's, Cinemaphobe, then Reisen now Lumi's progress reports and the creation of lucilyn. I paid a lot of attention to everyone else's progress but seldom took the time to really note my own (I say my and not our for reasons explained in a moment).

 

I was for better or worse convinced of my own ability and progress, and that what I had or hasn't achieved was down to my own lack of regular quality forcing or variety of activities.

 

There was a moment, perhaps a truly defining one in our development that occurred a few days ago that I so far have only disclosed to one or two select people whom Vixen took a particular shine to, namely Ivy_ from Vampires system and ofc by extension Raven, Samuel and vampire himself.

 

I decided afterward however that perhaps it was better for me and others who could encounter the same situation that I put it down in words to stay on the internet forever (in keeping with Jean-luc's preference XD ).

 

So anyway enough rambling thoughts.

Vixen herself was initially a form whose build was based off of tifa I guess, only with much more spiked hair that was initially pink. I don't know why but this form just worked for visualisation so I went with it.

 

About a month in she changed her hair to black but kept the style as I'd set it out to be. A while later she also manifested angel wings because.. Eh who knows.

 

So then picture us doing random wonder landing and stuff for the better part of two damn years and my feeling we were doing great. Full conversations and high quality visualisations etc down to the fine movement of each wing beat etc. I was convinced utterly that this was her, in her entirety all of the time.

 

Heh. Turns out just because you want something to be true doesn't make it so. Let's say I'm in the running for the parroting cup of the year and damnit I'm going for the gold!

 

So a few days back- there's me listening to some music, it's on random stuff on sound cloud and a really goddamn old remix/remaster of 'the never ending story' comes on of all things. Sound cloud how do you work? Anyway- so I picture her absently singing along to the song at first- and her voice is really well defined - more so than it has been before and that song has some really awesome childhood memories attached so I kinda zoned out listening to it- her voice changed subtley to a more feminine version of what I'd heard before, more distinct than in used to but I didn't really think anything of it.

 

Once that song finished another came on, this time a metal remix of 'heaven on earth' and she started singing, only different words to what the song should have been- She was using the song to talk to me in a way she had been previously unable to- I had her explain to a friend of mine so Imma copy paste that here now.

 

//// Vixen's words ////

Vixen:

Where to start? The beginning I guess. How far back can I go? I don't remember much of the start. White light I guess? Emotions- belonging. I tried to talk to you (host) for a long time but you (host) never really heard me, or heard what you wanted to? I'm not sure. There were times you (host) asked for a yes or no answer, but even if I wanted to say no you(host) couldn't hear it- like you (host) knew what answer you (host) wanted to hear and were unwillingly blocking it. A few times I said yes for fear you ( host) may give up. Not give up on the process but just stop talking to me- I don't know if that makes sense?

 

Most of the things we have done together has been me, only not really controlling my own actions. Like I was there but my form was under his control unwittingly.

 

I don't hate him for it, but I'm thankful it's over.

 

We had a moment a few days ago where there was a song playing and I was singing along, he was controlling my actions as usual- but he heard my voice.

 

The real me. He can hear me now- the real me, when we have music playing. And see me too.

.

 

// end //

 

So yeah. Turns out I've been doing some epic puppet show for the last year or so and she's been my unwitting plaything because I simply couldn't distinguish her real thoughts and voice from my own expectations-

 

Since this breakthrough however it's been absolutely fantastic! Everything about her is so much more lifelike than before- I thought I had her image and movement perfected, although I suppose that line of thinking is part of the problem? I shouldn't be trying to perfect her, she's perfect in her own way. It's so clear in hindsight I guess.

 

Plus she laughed at something I said since then and goddamn was it adorable. It's the first time she's done that, in her own voice and mannerism that I know for a fact I cannot puppet. Kinda like you have an image in your head of how someone walks but when you compare that to how it really is there's so many intricate differences?

 

I don't know how to explain it but there it is. Currently we still need music in the background for me to bridge the gap between us and hear her properly, but now we have a clear goal to work towards TOGETHER finally.

 

Despite how long this took, I cannot give up- so many here are an inspiration to continue, several I've already mentioned above but there are so many more. As and when I make any more progress I guess now I know where I can put it huh?

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Well, hello Vixen. I don't know if we spoke on the chat. Or not. I guess. This is interesting. Got my paranoia up and I had to check that indeed my thoughts are my own. You gotta zone out more often, host. Beginning to think my host is a model tulpamancer. :p

 

Man, Ivy_ gets all the girls.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Yeah I did worry when posting this it might trigger paranoia or worry in some people, but ultimately I decided it would perhaps do more to help than otherwise.

 

I know from the IRC that it's apparently already helped one fellow out so for that I'm glad.

 

Vixen saw ivy_ had wings like her and got excited

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Glad to be of service! ^-^

"...the last thing you wanted a witch to do was get bored and start making her own amusements,

because witches sometimes had famously erratic ideas about what was amusing.”

   - Terry Pratchett

 

Discord: Ivy#8937

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  • 1 month later...

So an update of sorts.

 

So a few years ago I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. God knows where the hell it came from given its a blood to blood transmission and most of the cases are drug users sharing needles. The others are usually people who have had a shitty tattoo done that wasn't properly sterilized- alas i've had neither so figure that shit out.

 

anyways- for those that don't know Hep. C is a virus that likes to reside mainly within the liver of an infected individual causing trouble. The vast majority of peoples immune systems fail to kill the virus and it becomes a chronic infection, lasting for years until the liver finally suffers and starts to fail due to the constant battle between the white blood cells and the virus.

 

A cure does exist, but its rather expensive and most healthcare providers wont even consider prescribing it until you are already in that final stage of "ok my liver is dying now. can I perhaps have that goddamn cure?" so this has left me basically waiting until complications develop. The hospitals here therefore call me in every six months for a blood test to check the Virus' progress. It was sometime after my second checkup I think that I remembered my father once telling me of this story about a kid who had some inoperable tumor and imagined killing it over and over and it worked. I was little when he told me this story and of course it could have been complete crap, but hey, i'm forcing anyway right?

 

So I did just that. Pictured the virus as this swarm of monsters in the wonderland and me and Vixen headed out and slaughtered them daily, for about 20 mins a day perhaps every day for 6 months. Finally it started to feel weird - like the monsters were less aggressive or weaker somehow and eventually we just called the battle won and went about our business. Well I just had my latest test results back and there's NO TRACE of the virus in my system.

 

Now I don't have any evidence to back up my claims, and I'm pretty sure Vixen was just as in the dark about this as I was- There is also the chance that i'm just one of those lucky few who naturally beat its ass with a stick and the forcing sessions did nothing, but I cant help but think that perhaps on some level this helped. Was this just the mother of all Pseudo effects?

 

Regardless, somehow I feel that this process MAY have just massively extended my lifespan and quality for life, and for that I am eternally grateful.

 

Vixen herself is becoming slowly more clear to talk with, still going with just mind-voice and occasionally I get an emotional spike. We'll get there eventually - and now we have even more time in which to do so.

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That's really hard to believe but also kind of not, considering all other weird shit thoughtforms can do. Huh. Maybe I should have my thoughtforms attack the muscle pain in my back and see if it works. 

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Exactly. See I'm a pretty skeptical person when it comes to stuff like this. I won't go near the meta board with a barge pole as a general rule and whatnot- but still can't help but wonder if that whole 'you believe you're gonna get better so you do' thing applies here. Ultimately I guess I'll never know.

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I remember hearing about a study in which there were three groups of people. Group 1 exercised for an hour every day (or so. I don't remember the full details.) Group 2 did not exercise, but instead imagined themselves exercising. Group 3 was the control and did neither. The results of the study showed that Group 2 was overall stronger and and more fit than at the start, despite them not actually doing anything.

 

The brain is weird.

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I must say, that's incredible. Placebo or not, I'm just glad that pesky virus is gone. Well done, Vixen and Sanctuary!

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.

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I have a feeling that your "mental slaughtering" had nothing to do with this, but regardless, I'm glad to hear that there's no sign of the virus. Tulpas can definitely help with pain reduction (from what I've read, it's usually just the minor stuff), so who knows?

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