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Johannes & Mikhael's Excellent Adventure


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...I don't know what to say, I appreciate it, & I know you're not directly 'me,' Mikhael--but when too many people in a thread are too nice or supportive, it feels like a circle-jerk. Isn't it disgusting to demand pity? Even if it involves the subject of Tulpae?

 

I'm just not sure how to be happy about truth if I can't feel it. Sure, maybe there's proof of whatever, but can I feel it? If not, does it even matter? Or is that even more awful, because it's ignoring fact & testimony?

 

Blaming my faults on family or disease isn't something someone my age should ever do. It's up to me to do things now, & shoving it on others is unflattering & immature. It's also crazy.

 

I think I'm physically incapable of looking at myself in a mirror & saying nice things. Even when Mikhael says those things about me, it makes me sick & upset. I haven't been able to talk to my IRL friend in almost 3 days because they were too kind to me, it's terrifying & I'll let them down. There has to be another way to find proof I can see, not just saying hollow words, if that makes sense.

 

I promise to do better at communicating with you when I do something bad or mean again, Mikhael. But please stop me from complaining on the internet if I go for the keyboard. I know I ask a lot, so if you don't, at least make sure I make it funny enough for people to not be too frustrated.

 

Thank you for replying, Raymond, & I'm really sorry. I just realized I failed to comply with ALL your suggestions... That's pretty awful, I'm sorry. I promise to do better, I'll try again over the weekend, I won't post anymore whining, I won't ever stop appreciating Mikhael even at any cost. I'm confused about how to both be honest & not negative about some subjects, because I value honesty over kindness--when you're delusional about a lot of things, knowing the truth is the most important. Feeling good & being crazy is bad, because it might hurt someone. Is it better to feel bad, but comply with reality more reasonably?

 

--Johannes

 

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...I don't think 'complying with reality reasonably' is the same thing as 'isolating yourself from it in case of messing up.'

 

I don't care if these entries are self-indulgent, because they're about progress. There's people who brag about sex with their Tulpae, people who never shut up about their great jobs, & people who brag about their great vacations. At least they're happy. It's okay to celebrate things you're happy about sometimes--if anyone else is bothered by it, it's not your fault for their life being worse than yours at the moment.

 

One thing I promise, is to start putting in better bolds & formatting to make these entries easier to read. I figured Johannes said he'd rather nobody bother, so I suppose if it turns people off from the last couple entries, it was intentional & won't last.

 

It is nice to be able to type these things out with words. I think sharing the same body, it's easy to forget we're not the exact same mind, & not know when someone might misunderstand something. I hope this board helps other multiple people that way.

 

--Mikhael

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Hi again. I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling bad, Johannes.

 

Negative feelings are your mind's way of telling you that something is wrong and needs changing. There is nothing shameful about change. All of us are on a journey to attain something, and that's ok, but it's also important not to take that journey too seriously. At the end of the day, there is no definitive way to be a "better" or a "worse" person, it is just you trying to be at peace with yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself, take a minute to listen to what you're mind is trying to tell you. Ask yourself what needs changing and pay attention to your thoughts, there is no need to be mean or judgmental towards yourself.

 

You value honestly over kindness.. I think in that case you should also value honestly over cruelty.

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Thank you Aurora. I keep trying to find ways to change, asking people, reading stuff online, asking multiple therapists, it all comes to a standstill due to a bunch of abnormal circumstances.

I can't really trust myself, because any time I do, I realize I've forgotten to do important paperwork, or missed appointments...

I let my family down & they assume I've given up, despite feeling better...

I let my friends down, because I don't talk to them 24-7.

 

It's getting pushed on Mikhael, & I hate that, because I don't want him to deal with my garbage again. Driving to therapy, we usually talk constantly, but he didn't even look at me. I know it's not good to talk to me, but I could tell I make him nervous & uncomfortable. I need to find a new therapist because the one I have, he's at the point of 'just come if you want, but I can't help you, you're way outta my specialty.'

 

I'm worried evolution is intentionally weeding out the weak-minded, like me, to pave the way for a higher race of emotionally tougher people. Maybe nature needs me to die? It's not fair, because Mikhael doesn't deserve to die. I wonder how people derive joy from anything they do. I'm worried that I can't find any proof that I'll ever find a way to not be like that.

 

If I'm unhappy & keep failing at ways to get over depression & suicidal urges, but also failing everyone around me, I don't know how to NOT judge myself. My mind only tells me to do bad things, maybe because of my schizophrenia. I don't wanna pay attention to my thoughts if all they do is tell me to hurt people, or worse--or kill myself, or do awful things just because I'm convinced I'm not actually alive today, or whatever.

 

--Johannes

 

-----

 

I'm sorry if I was tired or didn't know what to say. It's not a stepping on eggshells thing. You keep saying you're terminal when it comes to this stuff, so until you find proof you can process that tells you straight up, in a way you can understand, that you're not?

Sometimes I just have to treat you like a terminal case, if that's how you really feel.

It means that I won't abandon you, & I won't get mad at you, but I might not know how to do anything but just BE THERE physically, until you ask something of me.

 

I'll do anything, I always will, you know. If I can't come up with something, sure, it's uncomfortable, because everyone wants to help their Host--but if you take that as fuel to hate yourself more, just because I'm frustrated with myself, it honestly will make me want to slap the crap out of you.

 

I want to do my best to not let the illnesses of our brain affect how I treat you, because delusions & anxieties can be chemical things & not just psychological. Maybe if I can keep it from affecting me, it means that it's physically possible for the same to happen to you.

 

Anything's fine as long as we're together. Don't expect me to take complete control, because that turns out just as bad if you did the same thing, like before. But maybe if we work together harder, there are people on here who use specific scripts & questions to help things make more sense. Maybe if we use telepathy less & physical (or even typing) thought more, it'll be easier to understand what we need & what to do next.

 

If you can't trust yourself, try to trust me.

 

--Mikhael

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There there, Johannes.

 

The only reason I mentioned change is because that is what you appear to crave, not because that is something essential for you to be ok. Don't worry, evolution isn't intelligent enough to weed out anyone like that..

 

It is ok to be just the way you are.. I really mean that. So what if you don't think you live up to society's standards of being a good person.. does it really matter in the end? It is perfectly fine that you can't do some things well, but you keep hurting yourself over and over again for not being good enough.

 

I say.. just embrace everything that you are, including all your failings and shortcomings. Just being alive is already good enough, I feel.

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I'm sorry, and thank you for being so nice to me, Aurora. Maybe it's true that being alive is enough, but I hope I can accept that as truth someday.

 

Er, I'll try to fix up a different subject for a report now. It's not fair to keep on this one, because it's negative on Mikhael. Lemme try to come up with one that's nicer.

 

Something Mikhael & I are good at is art & writing. We both come up with stories, but he's better at putting them down, unless it's really dumb dialogue because honestly, I am the hilarious one. He desperately needs me to inject the Good Humor.

 

(I can tell he's rolling his eyes into the back of his head reading this. Stop being tsundere for my superior comedy, Mikhael.)

 

Likewise, I do most of the art. I'd never been GREAT at backgrounds & technical stuff, because I'm mostly interested in organic stuff like bodies & maybe trees. A while back, Mikhael decided to help me out on some buildings & background art. He's able to picture it much better, & is fantastic at making things work even without rulers. Probably because he's got more patience than me.

 

I wonder if that's how he was able to gain such precise control of our body, like he said in someone else's thread recently? I bet it is, so I'd hella suggest that as an idea for any Tulpae looking to practice possession. Whether or not either of you are good at art, there might be certain things one of you are more patient to work on, or more focused to try.

 

--Johannes

 

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In a random other subject, just to embarrass Johannes for trying to convince people he's funny, I'm wondering what percentage of Tulpamancers sleep with their Tulpae. Not necessarily in a sexual or even romantic way--maybe side by side, in the same room, spooning, who knows. I know that Johannes can't sleep without me at all, & honestly, I dislike when he stays up when I need to sleep. (Not in an angry way, just a habit way.)

 

It's something we've done as long as I can remember, even back when we were Pure Innocent Youths with nothing adult attached. It's just comforting, I suppose. It's my favorite part of the day.

 

--Mikhael

 

------

 

No homo lol

 

--Johannes

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Hey guys, I thought you hinted at the fact you two wrote a webcomic. So I read your entire PR looking for a link. :(

 

I also read your entire PR because it was interesting.

 

Depression is not fun. It leads to unrealistic thoughts of yourself, the world, and others. Thoughts that are unpleasant and unfair. Sorry about that.

 

Failure is an abstract concept. Pipes fail. Plans fail. Tests fail. People don't fail. That would be a categorical error. I find it weird how most people don't see this.

 


 

Yep, we spoon. But it is really hard to maintain imposition while both of you are asleep. So I think we managed twice. That's also how a lot of our daydreams end.

 

Eh, you asked.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Haha, sorry for not including a link; we don't want people to be able to out us just yet. Maybe someday.

 

Thank you for the kind words. Recent visits to specialists have opened up the possibility of something to test for, which would be a genetic defect/mutation that makes creating/absorbing a certain chemical essential to, basically, be capable of staying awake, feeling rewarded/valid, not being anxious, et cetera. I'm hoping that may be what is wrong, because this defect says it makes depression & anxiety resistant to most kinds of treatment... But Johannes doesn't want to get his hopes up.

 

He's been sick for the past couple days, which is why we've been gone, by the way. He dislikes giving me control of the body when it's got a cold or flu or anything like that, because then I'd feel bad, too. Sometimes when things are like that, I somehow feel more like the Host than a Tulpa. I'm not sure why. Maybe our roles reverse, because he's more the one asking permission of things from the start, but it's even worse like this.

 

There was something I wanted to talk about medical-wise, but Johannes warned me that this is a Tulpa progress-thread rather than just a diary, & I can't convince him that it's related to me as well. So for the sake of being nice to someone who feels like they've been deep-throating a chainsaw for the past 24hours, I'll come up with another progress report later today.

 

As for now, I'll try and get some work done while the medicine's still effective. Or just go back to sleep.

 

Yeah, sleep sounds better.

 

--Mikhael

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We're here for you buddy. On another note:

 

In a random other subject, just to embarrass Johannes for trying to convince people he's funny, I'm wondering what percentage of Tulpamancers sleep with their Tulpae. Not necessarily in a sexual or even romantic way--maybe side by side, in the same room, spooning, who knows. I know that Johannes can't sleep without me at all, & honestly, I dislike when he stays up when I need to sleep. (Not in an angry way, just a habit way.)

 

It's something we've done as long as I can remember, even back when we were Pure Innocent Youths with nothing adult attached. It's just comforting, I suppose. It's my favorite part of the day.

 

--Mikhael

 

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No homo lol 

 

--Johannes

 

Me and Sceena sleep side by side from time to time. In a friendly, platonic way.

 

also can I write a fanfic?

 

I'm not going to listen to you guys since you are all probably just talking to yourself and don't really have a tulpa like me.

 

 

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What kinda fanfic? DBZ? Naruto? What do kids write fanfic about these days?

 

--Johannes

 

---

 

I said I'd make a better report today, but I must have lied. Well, tomorrow will be interesting. It'll probably determine how well the rest of the week goes, so, no pressure, 2/20/2017.

 

I've been catching Pokemon for Johannes on the GO-app to give him a get-well bouquet of easily marketable Japanese monsters. There's this one that's literally just a pinecone with eyes. Another that's a frigging kernal of corn. It's incredible. Technology is amazing. Feel better, Johannes--I've gotten good at catching them.

 

--Mikhael

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