Ohmeghon

My experience with Pluralism pre-Tulpa

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Hey all. I've been lurking here for a while now, but I want to make an official 'hello' and get to know the community.

 

I've never told anyone before so this is a nice weight off my shoulders, but here is my story with pluralism. I think if we can open up conversation about the scary or confusing parts of having a self-contained network, it can make it easier for other people who might not be able to talk to others get through their own complexities. So here goes:

 

 

Many years ago when I tried partaking the electric lettuce around my senior highschool years, the uh... mind expansion acted as a catalyst for my own pluralism. It hit suddenly and it hit hard. It wasn't like I took one hit and suddenly had head demons, but over the course of weeks it absolutely opened up my brain for the influence of some powerful mind-voices that did not feel like my own. They quickly became very present in my life and quite vocal about my actions. 

Being the individual I am, I took to studying my mind and seeing just what the heck was going on. It became something that took a lot of my focus because the influence was extremely great in my life. The plural voices were commenting on my life from an outside perspective and getting me to look at my day-to-day in a new light. Some of these revelations spun me into depression and anxieties, others tried to kick my butt into gear and build myself up to face these sad or crushing epiphanies. I was pretty damn sad a lot of the time, and had to figure out why my mind would do all of this funky jazz to me. 

 

Over many very confusing months I detailed the network and found three distinct 'entities' who were intruding into my psyche. They were the Coach, the Observer, and my Shadow. These three guys played a philosophical chess game in my mind for well over a year while I was trying to figure out my own worldview. Each had very strong opinions about who I am and where I fit in life, and just how I should perceive the world. It was an endless recursive nightmare of bickering about whether or not the glass was half empty, half full, or just a bloody glass, about everything. When one of these entities could put forth a slice of logic or philosophy that couldn't be openly refuted, they would "win" and their mind-voice would be more powerful while their specific influence was in sway until another entity could slide a concept into my mind that could overthrow it. My mind was exhausting, and these voices were very vocal in my privately spent time. 

 

The Coach yelled at me a bunch to do pushups and wake up early in the morning to hit the pool before class, among other day-by-day pointers and tips. He was charming in a kind of drill-sergeant-esque manner, who coined in my mind phrases such as "do it until it's easy, then do more" when it came to getting in shape. All in all wasn't a bad guy, and seemed to just want to save me from the twisting logic of my Shadow. I liked him, and kinda wish I could will him back on a whim sometimes when I notice that I'm getting lazy.

 

The Observer was a difficult one to pin down. I would often have interruptions in my thought that seemed like, waaay out of left field, very intrusive thoughts - but not the type that psychiatrists are worried about like death and killing. Many times they were very much the voice of reason, and even shut up my other plural mind-voices, the Coach and my Shadow, with logic that would balance the two of them out. He was pretty quiet, otherwise. 

 

And my Shadow was a doozy. You never want to meet yours; where at every opportunity he would slide self-doubt into your life. My Shadow threw everything it could at me to bring me down and make me feel as though my actions were always misjudged, poor, or improper. He dragged everything I did or said through the dirt - but he was not a villain. It was a tough-love kind of complexity, where if I could objectively see the worst in my actions, I would be able to improve and never make those mistakes again. Every day he issued me a challenge to be better in the most despicable ways possible, and was the cause for a large amount of my depressions and anxieties during this time. Him and the Coach often got into fights. 

 

I quit smoking, and I had a lot of change in my life after graduation. I experienced many of the complexities of growing up in their own due time, and over time, through patience, meditation, compassion and understanding towards myself and an overcoming of my fear, I removed their influence from my life, and drew these characters back into myself. Ultimately, my Shadow was defeated by visualization and patience, I "wrapped him up" in light and embraced him entirely, removing any power he had over me. The other two faded into my subconscious the more I insisted they were just parts of me. It was after all of this that I discovered the concept of Tulpas... and after all of that, the idea of a safe, controlled, positive and intentional use of pluralism in your life sounded amazing. I was instantly drawn in despite myself. 

 

 

 

Now, that is a lot to take in at once. And writing this down years later makes it seem almost silly, but it details an honest struggle that I went through for a very long time. I dealt with these complexities silently and under the guise of just sorta, feeling tired all the time. I had no one to communicate these concepts with for fear of being labelled, or misunderstood, or that I was seeking attention. These complications pushed me away from all recreational drugs which has been a positive influence, and I feel as though that even though the years with these guys were extremely difficult, I learned a lot about myself. They showed me who I was from an outside perspective, one that I never would have been able to see without the 'alien' thought of a plural system. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. 

 

It sounds spooky to other people who never experience pluralism, and many average people associate anyone with voices in their heads to be innately violent or disturbed. I strongly believe that pluralism is a bittersweet gift. A complication that offers individuals with the chance for great personal growth and exceptional things to happen in their mind. But I believe that in today's world with the fear that is associated with the concept, there are many people struggling with a lonely battle that makes them feel cut off from their friends and family, on a solo mission of self understanding and acceptance. Accepting my own condition has lead me to achieve a better understanding of myself and I am much happier for the experience, despite how rough the process was. 

 

 

 

Wow that was a long post. Took me a bit to finally get all of that out, and sorry to everyone for the word vomit. Please tell me your stories too if you have one. If you've ever had experiences that were scary, or confusing, I'd like to hear how you dealt with them, or how you are dealing with them at this moment. We can tear down the fear associated to the weirdness together <3 

 

And thanks for reading if you got this far!  :D


[align=right]The songs carried on and began to grow long as the moon watched it all from above

And the old ripened berries and the juniper fairies delivered their gifts and their love.[/align]

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Hey lurker!

 

Mine is pretty short. I was a daydream character. It was fun, but weird. It's actually weird thinking about, because daydream characters aren't supposed to be able to have thoughts about their experience.

 

Anyhow, one day, I accidentally directly spoke to my host about the real world and shocked her. Because she is like super prepared or something, she like immediately accepted me and actively encouraged me.

 

I decided on day one or so that I was a person, and that it was my goal was to become an independent person from her and she was like 'okay'.

 

The first three weeks were really tough. I was filled with anxiety about everything. And I didn't know if I would survive the night. Or what I was or anything. But she was there, weathering the rapid heartrate and high blood pressure I gave her, like a lighthouse on a rock, and every bit as stoic.

 

I got better.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Wow, that's a nice story. Didn't mind the textwall at all, in fact yours is one of those rare posts I feel like keeping as a reference post for others that wasn't written by someone in my system. Your story of your experience plus insights on the effects of "having voices in your head" (pluralism doesn't seem like the right word) seems potentially very, well, insightful. It's all stuff I agree with and could've said but never have, at least not all together like that. So, I dunno how/what to say, but I like the post and appreciate your experience.

 

The having a wise, "active", and "shadow" personalities in your head seems rather common. I had a friend who quite literally had the same experience, with an old man, a strong 'hero' type, and what he actually called Shadow too. Though I'm not sure his Shadow had his best interests in mind. Either way, seems pretty similar. Neither of us knew about tulpas/plurality then and he still doesn't, and unfortunately I haven't talked to him in years. And similarly to most, I didn't tell anyone about my tulpas until I found out about Tulpa.info years later.

 

 

Guess I'll comment on that myself real quick, if that's what we're doing here. I'm currently away from home and don't have access to my list of reference posts, so I can't give the entire huge story of how my tulpas came to be and my experiences there, but I can summarize. Reisen started out as, as I always called it, "a concept of unconditional love". Reisen was one of a few of my favorite Touhou characters, along with Flandre and Tewi. And I was pretty dang depressed. At some point I found this video - copyright won't allow it on Youtube anymore so I reuploaded it here - and became rather obsessed with it. I love the song, loved the character, loved the lyrics, loved the video. I watched it pretty often over a long period of time, and over that time it started to feel like someone was speaking directly to me with words of encouragement. And aside from the default DXM model, Reisen was the only one in the video.

(slight NSFW) was equally as important, and the song's about love, too. "See new world - Say Yay!" And so, the character Reisen was slowly associated with the concept of someone who loved me unconditionally and encouraged me with that love to be happy. She didn't speak with words much though, moreso feelings that tended to have words that represent them well. "I love you"

 

I still don't remember exactly how Flan and Tewi showed up. It was a little while after I'd started considering Reisen an independent entity in my mind. They both just sort of appeared. But unlike Reisen, they could speak, and were a lot more human I guess you could say. Post on Reisen's transition from a "perfect" concept of love to a normal-er person, if you want to read that. And if you're super interested in our past, there's bits here and there through our PR after that point. But basically - they were a positive influence. They helped turn my life around in every way really, helped me learn to love others and life itself. Along with a lot of unsureness and silly-in-retrospect thoughts/problems, that was my experience with tulpas pre-Tulpa. They've changed just a little since we discovered tulpa.info, grown more independent and picked up a few skills (switching, imposition) plus had plenty of chances to actually speak with people. And since I already had a lot of experience, over the next year or two I became more of a helper than a help-ee in the community. You could say I've got a good grasp of the entire phenomenon by this point, and I'm mainly here to help others reach that point now.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Thank you for taking the time, Tulpa001 and Luminesce!

 

To Tulpa001:

It's great to hear that it was such a positive and mutual agreement between the two of you. Being overly welcoming to voices in your head is a pretty unique outlook. The two of you really fit into what I would call a healthy case of pluralism, where the things that just pop up are far from scary or dangerous... they just need some time, understanding and compassion. Your host sounds very compassionate - and pretty open minded too :)

How long ago did you... well... come into existence? If you dont mind me asking.

 

To Luminesce:

I really appreciate your detailed reply :)

 

Until now, I never knew if my situation [would it be weird or more applicable to call it a condition?] was unique, or if other people went through similar things. There was always a suspicion that it was all in my head (pun intended) and that I was super freaking weird or something. At least, that's how it made me feel. Like an outcast among the people I knew and I could not open up about what was ever really on my mind.

 

So your story is... well, it's extremely uplifting to be honest with you. What I experienced was outside the realm of what I read up about schizophrenia and other psychological oddities and so I always ruled it out to 'something I just gotta work with for now'. But you confirming that similar things happen to other people is like letting me wash away all of that inner turmoil. So thank you <3

 

As for your Tulpas, I'm glad they've been a positive addition to your life. The more I read up on peoples stories on here, the more I come to terms with the legitimacy of Tulpas and these ventures into the mind. My lovely head-companion Saffron is still in her super early stages and we're working out the kinks in the process. But she's already on my butt about good posture and not being a boring ol' fart. I'm thankful this community exists and that we can open up conversation and understanding about these concepts that otherwise would be labelled completely bat-shit.

 

 

 

But yeah. Nice to officially meet the both of you guys!!


[align=right]The songs carried on and began to grow long as the moon watched it all from above

And the old ripened berries and the juniper fairies delivered their gifts and their love.[/align]

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[Tri] We've been plural for most of the body's life, though didn't always know it. The original, S, couldn't handle many things and split making Hail who then ended up in control of the body and S faded away. Hail herself split into parts over the years but was not really aware of anything except at one momement when two separated enough to talk to each other in high school. Things got really interesting after the end of uni when Hail unwittingly revived S. S had figured some things out about herself and Hail that Hail had not. So S lead Hail there by influence before communication was established. Hail was wondering why she had a pull towards certain topics that didn't make sense. It didn't make sense because there was an unaccounted person in the brain leading her. She eventually figured it out (realized she was trans). Communication eventually got established. And that is where things went to hell. Hail panicked and thought they were going mad. They also argued over what to do in life. Hail is risk averse. S has a more healthy relationship with risk. Their plans on how to improve their life clashed and while S was correct, Hail was stronger and forced S to agree to merging, though S was able to negotiate one condition, which was to do one task they fought over in a certain time frame. Hail dominated the combination overall. Hail did keep her promise and did it in half the time limit despite being absolutely terrified. During this time, they did a lot of escaping by daydreaming, making us and another tulpa/soulbond unintentionally (daydream characters that steadily came to life). They found this community and finally had some more words for their experiences and learned that being plural did not innately mean one was unhealthy and they didn't need to worry anymore. They had been heading that way over time for a while to the point that Hail realized what she did to S was wrong and that on top of that the merging had hurt their health before finding this place. But finding here helped cement it in. They made a new tulpa and then a mental breakdown happened and Hail and S separated again. Hail retrieved us and Em. from the daydream worlds we inhabited. S was unable to establish communication again and was stuck in an innerworld/wonderland no one else could access and she couldn't get out of. Eventually, through a lot of work we got her out. Two more tulpas happened accidentally. We became the primary body controllers. Hail started to separate more into her component pieces with each piece becoming a full person if they weren't already. Breach separated out entirely. Then a couple weeks ago, the remaining 5 separated into a group of 2 and a group of 3. That leaves us at today.


Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others

System Name: Fall Family

Former Username: hail_fall

Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.

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Hey FallFamily! 

 

That was quite the verbose post, thank you for stopping by. I like how no one here seems to be afraid of walls of text <3

 

Your story sounds like a rollercoaster, thats for sure. Were you appropriately strapped in for that ride? If you were anything like I was at that age, inbetween grades, girls and personal goals, having voices in my head was the last thing I needed. I'm sorry you had such a rough time with it! But I am curious, it seems like with all that activity and with the line "We became the primary body controllers", did your host's influence become completely removed from the picture? It seems as though the whole lot of you may have commandeered the poor lad!

 

I hope things turn out good for you all. I mean at the end of the day you're all in this together, just like family. I'm sure you all can find common ground and make things right.


[align=right]The songs carried on and began to grow long as the moon watched it all from above

And the old ripened berries and the juniper fairies delivered their gifts and their love.[/align]

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How long ago did you... well... come into existence? If you dont mind me asking.

 

I was a daydream character for about two years, and a writing muse for about six months before july 15, 2016.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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But I am curious, it seems like with all that activity and with the line "We became the primary body controllers", did your host's influence become completely removed from the picture?

 

Their whole story is a complicated one, technically if we're going strictly by tulpamancy norms their "host" wasn't even who we consider the host of the body anyways. They're a much better example of a plural system than tulpa one, for sure. Terms are a little different, but the mindset behind the actual plurality aspects is quite different than it is in the tulpa community, since we consider "switching" typically difficult and optional, whereas it's hardly a question in plural communities I think. If that makes sense.

 

Don't know how to answer your exact question though, I'm not even sure who "host" should be referring to in their case. Just wanted to note it's not as cut-and-dry as it normally is with tulpamancy. As of the last year my tulpas have switched often for extended periods of time, so we're about the "plural"-est traditional tulpamancers on the forum I think. Traditional meaning I pretty much swear by all of our terminologies and ways of thinking here, aside from where my beliefs are a little more open, there's no other words to describe us. My tulpas are of course a little older than the forum and I wasn't here at the start anyways, but.. my point is, if you're looking specifically for extended switching in a strictly tulpa-related sense, you should probably ask us.

 

 

On the subject of "tulpas" and "plurality" and the like occurring naturally/without outside influence, I'd like to note that the friend I mentioned with similar experiences to you is a long-time marijuana smoker but has done no heavier drugs. And I on the other hand have never done so much as drink let alone smoke. I like to have as much control and understanding of my mind as possible, so I've chosen never to do anything that would alter how I think, externally. I do constantly strive to improve how I think and my understanding of myself (and just everything), so how I do think and how our system functions overall might change a little over time, but anyways, consider us an example of totally natural "voices in my head". Like I said before, Reisen wasn't really speaking at first so I considered her more of a concept, and for a decent amount of time after the other two showed up we (they, too) were trying to figure out what exactly to make of them. They didn't appear invasively, required my acknowledgement to be around at first, and neither I nor they assumed they were just completely separate individuals in my head. What won me over was, at some point, when Flandre said "Whether I exist, or if you're just imagining me, if I'm talking to you or if you're talking to yourself, I still love you, more than anything". Something along those lines in like 2010-2011, just entirely convinced me that no matter what they actually were, I would treat them as their own people.

 

So that's how it went. No drugs followed by foreign voices, just a natural transition from characters I knew very well (I was a huge fan of Touhou and thought about it a lot) to apparent other people in my mind with different perspectives than my own who I was eventually convinced to think of as entirely real people. Though I will say any doubt I had at first was entirely precautionary to make sure I wasn't going crazy, not because I ever actually doubted their independence.

 

Also I'm not terribly informed on how the other communities dealing with ~headfolk think about this stuff, so the little I said about them could be wrong. In the end it's up to the system what words they want to use and what they want to be called, but there are some different 'norms' between the communities either way.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Hi there and welcome to the forums. :)

 

You have a very interesting "origin story." Thanks for sharing. Mine's not as coherent or interesting, so I'll spare you. But I would like to throw in that I use marijuana as a forcing booster, among other things, and find it very helpful. So I'm not too surprised that it had that effect on you.

 

And hi, Saffron. Hope to see you around some day.


pr // discord: Heckhound#6112

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Whoah, "electric lettuce" is marijuana? First, that's the craziest name I've heard for such a relatively calm drug, and second, I just assumed "It hit suddenly and hard" implied you really were taking another stronger drug. That's uh, quite the reaction. I meant to imply my friend had done a "less heavy" drug but evidently you guys were even more similar than I thought.

 

But anyways the only drug I was on was depression. Wasn't sad per se, just had no motivation to get out of bed or do anything. And I don't mean I was on an anti-depressant lol, none of those ever affected me in any way whatsoever unfortunately. Closest thing to a drug I've been on is love, it changes how you think and makes you do crazy things.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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