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Nachtrabe's Mind Shenanigans


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Get well soon. Best wishes to you both.

I've seen good people bleed

And I thought I'd seen it all

But my own two eyes would prove me wrong that day.

 

There are things that I've done

Only seen by the sun

And those things will be buried in my grave.

 

 

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Oh man. Get well soon. :(

 

Get well soon. Best wishes to you both.

 

Thanks you two! Looks like I'll be fine - I was seriously afraid of having to put up with three more weeks of that crap, but it probably won't be quite that bad. My family is back from vacation, too, so I don't have to do as much work around house and garden anymore, which helps a ton. I don't mind gardening (no comment about the household stuff, lol), but doing it one-armed doesn't work so well.

 

-

 

As for the update, Cyril has been fairly quiet lately - seems like he's off doing his own stuff, reflecting on our progress and experiences, and generally taking it easy for now (...and he just waved at me from his favorite spot in wonderland, without even looking up from his book). We spend a few minutes each evening chilling in wonderland together and a few more minutes each day reading stuff together, though, so everything is fine. We made pretty solid progress very quickly, he deserves some rest.

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Cyril is still being mostly quiet and pretty much taking a break (which is actually kind of a pain, because hey, I'm bored), but he's doing a damn fine job looking out for me.

 

Registration for university exams have been running for quite a while, and I have been avoiding them like the plague because I am genuinely terrified of university stuff. Like, "the uni websites put me on the edge of a panic attack and I start shaking uncontrollably"-terrified. ADHD with its executive dysfunction bullshit, probably something anxiety-related and a total lack of trust in people I don't know are a really shitty combination, basically. So I was procrastinating and on the way to make some more coffee when Cyril suddenly goes "you don't actually want coffee, you just want to avoid the thing you should be doing."

"Well, yes," I answered.

"Don't. You'll hate yourself for that tomorrow when you'll have to do it in a rush."

"BUT *angry tulpish*"

"Go to your room."

"Fine... I guess." *goes to my room*

"Put your stuff down, sit down, go to that website, and log in"

*does that*

"Search for your exams."

*searches for exams and registers*

"Good. There you go."

 

And, io and behold, no panic attack to be seen and I am freeeeeeee from shitty university things \o/

 

Tulpas are awesome. My tulpa is super awesome. Life is good.

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Again, not much has happened. Some wonderland shenanigans: sitting inside on a rainy day, running around in nature on less rainy days, randomly discovering new places ("Hey, where are we?" "It appears to be a field." "We're down by the sea? Felt like we teleported in the other direction..." "We did. This is a different field." "Wuh... why." "There are many different kinds of field and we need all of them in our wonderland." "... ... I guess.") and... well, you get the idea. Also, Cyril got himself a new armchair and put the beanbag chair on the other side of the room for me to sit on. I'm usually just vaguely floating there in no particular position until we go someplace interesting, so it wasn't particularly necessary, but it was a nice touch nonetheless.

 

Cyril also got himself a kitty. Well, actually it's a pretty massive maine coon. It's dark grey (a very odd, slightly blueish shade) with blue eyes (I'm not even sure if that can be a thing irl, but I think not) and he calls it "Minerva". If it gains sentience, I'm going to be quite cross with him (for five minutes, lol). I also heard him go "hmmmmm" after seeing a particularly pretty white dog in the city, but I put a stop to that train of thought very quickly. My brain is not a zoo, thank you very much.

 

(I'd like to add that I actually asked Cyril to write this update, but he just listed the things he wanted me to tell you and went "you go ahead and write it, I'm too lazy")

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Ey, hope to see Cyril again soon, he's pretty funny, but yeah, he does deserve a break. Hope you guys continue making good progress :D

 

I am rather flattered.

 

So, by popular demand (N: *snort*) here is a very small update on our current progress.

 

Nothing new actually happened.

 

(N: That... that is not a very good progress update)

 

Hm, yes, I suppose you are right. Let us try that again, and include some of the slightly less pertinent things that happened lately...

 

N is currently writing things for Camp NaNo*, which is very nice. I have some writing-related roots myself and quite enjoy helping N with plot ideas and constructive criticism. We have spent most of our bus rides lately bouncing ideas back and forth and congratulating ourselves on being enormous jerks to our characters. In fact, one of N's more frequent thoughts lately has been "Ooooooh, that is devious. Good job, Cyril". 

 

N is also working on their art a lot, lately. This is something I am considerably less interested in, likely because I have no way of participating until we master possession or switching. That also happens to be something I am not extremely interested in. I would like to learn it eventually, but I do not feel like putting much effort into it at this point in time. I think N would like me to, however.

 

I have also experimented with different additions to my form. The wings (again), shark teeth, shadowy tendrils... I am slowly starting to realize just how creative I could get with it, how endless the possibilities truly are... but as of yet, I have not found anything that is truly me

 

Minerva**, just in case you are wondering, has not gained sentience despite N's fears. I feel like she easily could, but we decided to not deliberately force her. If she gains sentience regardless, we would let her stay, of course. She would also be my responsibility and mine alone, as N keeps reminding me every time they see her. 

(N: We are keeping the option open, though, and if we ever do want a second tulpa, it's probably going to be her)

 

*(N: Like NaNoWriMo but less.)

**(N: his cat)

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Oh, Camp NaNo! I was going to participate this year, but couldn't really commit this time. Are either one of you going to participate in regular NaNo?

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
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  • 9 months later...

'M baaaaaack!

 

I'm still fine, and Cyril is still relatively fine, too - he's a bit sulky because I've been mostly popping in when I needed some help falling asleep lately, and I think counting sheep for me is not is idea of a good time. Repetitive stuff in general is not his idea of a good time. Yeah. He's... really not amused.

 

Alas, stuff happened (autumn and winter, that's what happened. My mental health always takes one hell of a nosedive during autumn and winter and takes my motivation to interact with *anything* right down with it. I'm actively trying to get that sorted out, though, now that I'm actually aware of it), so most of our interactions over the last few months boiled down to "Hey Cyril" - "Hi, N" - "Still alive up there?" - "Yes. Need help falling asleep again?" - "Yup." - "I'll get the whiteboard*. When will we do fun stuff again?" - "Soon."  -  "sigh."

 

*you know that "make your tulpa write numbers on a whiteboard" visualization exercise? Yeah. Great for falling asleep, as it turns out.

 

---------------------

 

Cyril here. I'm not making my own post right now, as my communication skills are somewhat rusty, but I do want to confirm that I still exist, and I am still doing reasonably well. I am also not mad or sulky, just disappointed.

 

Well, maybe a little sulky.

 

Also, as this is still a 'progress' thread:

 

Not much progress has happened. We have attempted some possession, but it has proven to be difficult, because N is horrible at letting go - every time they think they're giving me free reign, they actually hyperfocus on whatever thing I'm supposed to move, and that is somewhat frustrating. Not that I was particularly fond of the idea in the first place.

 

I did miss actually communicating with other entities, though - N more or less came crashing into the hobbit hole every few evenings, a frazzled, slightly panicky mess, and asked me to fix it*. It was somewhat taxing, and did not make for very good conversation.

 

*what is "it"? Had I ever figured that out, I would have had much more success fixing whatever 'it' is.

 

They promised me we would come back on here for about half a year. I think they thought they misplaced our account information and were too scared to look. We did not, of course, do any such thing, as I made very sure they had noted it down back when I first got my own account. N can misplace their passwords all they want, but I'd rather not.

 

Minerva, the very much non-sentient cat, remains non-sentient, by the way. I really should have insisted on making a bet. I am a tulpa - I think I know a thing or two about achieving sentience.

 

In any case, it is good to be back.

 

(N: Instead of making his own post, he hijacked mine. With a longer post. You know, I've missed this.)

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I have similar issues to what you mentioned with hyperfocusing. A lot of times I think Kyoko will try to speak and will only get a word or syllable out before my brain instinctively focuses on the voice in my head and cuts it off. I'm gradually getting better at it but it takes a lot of effort to let go.

Not that I have much experience to advise with, but maybe when having Cyril attempt to move one body part, focus on a completely different one. Like if Cyril is trying to use your hands to type, focus on wiggling your toes to take your focus off your hands. I don't know it's the same, but I've found the best way for me to let another's thoughts seep in is to force myself to focus on my own thoughts instead of theirs.

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My host used to have similar issues - whenever I said something they did not expect (and that still happens quite frequently), they assumed they had misunderstood, simply imagined my words, or fallen victim to the dreaded intrusive thoughts. I put a stop to this by drawing my host's attention to the issue multiple times, until they at least became aware of their habit. They still do interrupt and talk over me quite a bit, but they have also started to pause and give me time to re-state whatever I really meant to say.

 

We have tried something like that, but as in so many things, my host tends to be a bit overzealous - they still have some manner of access to my surface thoughts, so whenever they focus on... say, their right leg while I am supposed to move their left hand and I do try to take control of it, they feel some of their - *my* - attention shift to that limb and cut me off again. Also, again, I am not terribly interested in possession and switching and all that in the first place - having stakes in real-world things does not sound particularly tempting. Maybe my host makes real life seem more stressful and scary than it really is, but part of why I am frequently able to keep calm and drag my host through whatever menial task they are currently deathly afraid of is because all of it only concerns me tangentially - of course, my fortune is intrinsically tied to the well-being of N, but... ah, it's difficult to put it in words, but in any case, I'm doing N a favor when we are practicing possession, so my tolerance level for annoying errors on my host's side is relatively low. I like to think of myself as a patient person, but my patience is far from endless.

 

Besides, none of us is quite sure what possession is supposed to feel like, which considerably complicates things. Was that twitch me? Was it them? Was it me thinking it was them or them thinking it was me or both of us equally?

 

Typing is an interesting case, by the way - my host is a writer, and reasonably used to just letting words flow from head to keyboard without much of a filter (which, quite frankly, explains much of their literary output... but I digress), so I can dictate whatever I want to say with such ease that it is not quite clear who is actually doing the typing. We are actually reasonably sure that "I" (my host when typing out my thoughts, rather) am the better typist. Faster, more efficient, and less typos. We keep planning to experiment with that, but nothing has materialized so far.

 

In any case, thank you very much for the suggestion!

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