YumiBerry

Yuki's Progress Reports

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(Yay, now I get to add more updates! I'm renaming this thread "Yuki's Progress Reports". as I don't call myself Yumi anymore.)

 

#1 (Long post)

There was a long time where I really wasn't sure I'd hear, feel, or sense anything even remotely vividly in headspace, but thankfully that's (partially) over.

 

- As is most things that go along with my system and I's development, progress sort of popped up when I least expected it, stop trying so damn hard all the time, and definitely surprised me.

While I'm still having trouble seeing colors besides blurs and grays in our house, Little recently started being her silly self and got a paintbrush and started running around the walls, trailing glowing rainbow paint behind her everywhere she went. I don't think we have the best control of permanence in our headspace yet, because the trail of paint wouldn't last too long behind her before sinking away into the wall and vanishing. Almost like a trail of light, rather than real paint. Little 'claims' it was because she wanted to be polite and not make a mess of the room, but I've known this kid for 8 years and I know she'd paint and put stickers over literally everything if she could, lol. When I brought that up, she just gave me that innocent smile and kept quiet.

 

- I've started doing practices with touch as of late as the next sense I want to get really good at in headspace. It's going better than expected. I've seen tips/tricks mentioning picking up an apple and seeing how it feels, throwing a basketball, and really feeling the texture of them and how they interact with the rest the the world. Whether I'm instantly plucking the senstations from memory and sort of overlaying them on my senses like a blanket or if I'm actually feeling the texture of it with my form's hands is hard to tell. Either way, it's progress. I have a hard time with moving objects like streams of water or things with less solid features. Blankets, beds, hair, clothes, water, soft stuff, etc are all still can't really be picked up on yet. If I were to rest in a bathtub in my headspace room, I'd for sure be able to feel myself push off of the rim of the tub and step into the bath as well as hear all the details of the water, see the steam and shine of everything, and the way water echos the bathroom. I can do it even just as I type it, but the feeling of water and the warmth of the water are a different story. I guess I'll need to work more on that.

 

Taste is somewhere in between those two (as long as it's a strong taste). It feels far more like plucking a memory and remembering the taste of an apple than actually tasting an apple in there, but it's still something. Smell is pretty much my absolute weakest strength when it comes to that. Doesn't help I have unreliable sense of smell in real space anyway  xD

 

- In terms of sound with voices, I could hear my fictive's voice while he was that fictive in headspace much more clearly than anyone else's so far. Possibly because of him having an already pre-set voice. Since he's now changed into something without a voice, we'll have to find a new one, but it was cool while it was there. It was like somewhere between auditory imposition inside headspace and distant mindvoice itself. While I'm at it, I should find better voice examples for all of us.

 

- While having a moment to ourselves in real space, I (Nee) closed my eyes and went to see how Little was doing. She got excited and lead me to her room where she's been designing it to have more features suited to her. After a bit of thought, she decided to have one of those wall-castle beds. On the right side were the stairs to climb up, the middle was her bed with sort of rounded crib bars to keep her from falling so high up, and then a closed tunnel slide back down. Under the bed portion was an open space. She thought about putting a large open dollhouse there that she could jump into to play in (I mentioned 'Like Blues Clues?' and she got very happy). She quickly came to notice though she had nothing to do in there and scrapped the idea in favor for a desk she could draw pictures on and read books. I believe from what we can tell the castle is a sort of soft white with soft pink accents here and there. Once we develop more color, she's probably going to add some baby blues in there, knowing her. I know she wants to cover her room walls with her drawings (once we get strong enough in headspace to keep them there and not vanish all the time).  She also put a treasure chest on the left side of the room for good measure. She then went up with her pet redpanda and they cuddled, took a small nap, and took turns sliding on the slide. 

 

- Small side note to that, when I mentioned the idea of practicing visual imposition with her red panda sometime, they both actually got rather excited. Her pet isn't an entire tulpa itself, but more an extension of herself that helps keep her company. She could probably do this with any of her stuffed animals, but she really loves her red panda. 

 

- Tulpa update: I suppose since my (once) fictive no longer wants to be what he chose at first we're going to start over as much as possible, while keeping some core aspects that could easily carry over. He saw one of the pony characters I own and really liked him and the idea of a human version of him as well. I'm giving him time to think it over before I start really active forcing again with him. When he was a fictive, he was sort of all of our tulpa due to the connection we had to that character. I'm curious now if he will remain that way or become more attached to say... Little or Star, because of their connection to the show. Of course, I'll keep just as invested and as supportive as I always have been. Since we are sometimes 'hive-mind' like when not focusing on talking to each other in our day to day, he's most likely to end up as our overall tulpa. 

At least on the plus side, I can clearly hear hoof step noises in here due to making my hearing better, so there's that if he wants to go that route xD

 

 

- Completely different update, due to my increased ability to visualize images and movements in my own head due to headspace intereaction, my ability to visualize art I've wanted to make has become much clearer too, including animation. While I know a lot of it is due to practice, I feel this could be a good part of the reason that my art has gone from this (April of this year):

 

(Art by me, April /17)

to this

(Art by me, Oct '17)

And animation like has become easier due to vividly being able to actually see it like a movie in my mind. I dunno, just felt like writing this all down.  :)


Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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#2

Our fictive we've been trying to help develop had his confidence broken a bit when learning from the internet that being the person that makes him the most comfortable is a character that is equally well-loved as much as mocked and called 'cringy'. He got scared he'd be made fun of or insulted for being who he wants to be. Sadly, while there was a lot of accepting people, this became true. He faltered a bit and said he wanted to change. We weren't sure, but said we'd support whatever he wanted. He was going with a mlp form for a while with a character we own, but that drive for it seemed to fade after no more than a week. I wasn't sure what to do, so I let it be for a while. Once I gave it some time and turned my mind back to the thought of developing him as that character, I felt that same spark of excitement come from him, thought a little more reserved this time. He's still doesn't fully feel safe saying his name/who he is based on yet. So, out of respect, I'll just describe it.

 

Since then, we've done 1 really successful active force and are trying our best to keep up with passive forcing. We put ourselves in a meditative state with self-guided meditation and some rain noise. After focusing on my breathing and letting go of feeling my body, my mind guided me to an ideal room for visualization building. I was taken to a large, white, square room that had a single wooden stool in it. My mind said to really try and visualize the wooden stool, see any markings on it, feel the sides of it, grip onto it, and drag it out into the middle of the room while attempting to hear the legs drag against the floor. This took a little while to do, but I managed it eventually. Soon after, I sat in my own chair in front of the stool and (while trying my best to stay in 1st person view) did my best to visualize a sort of 3D model of my fictive. I started at the head, eyes, neck, shoulders, etc. Then I began to work on his clothes, trying to get him to give me clues on how he wanted to look, rather then design them myself. I wasn't 100% sure how this character looked with detail as my fictive seems more drawn to the character than I am, so I let him do what he knew of its appearance.

 

He started with a blue shirt that fell around the top of his shoulders, exposing his collarbone and neck. It was a very loose shirt that stopped around a bit past his middle. After a while, the shirt changed around from a loose top, to a tank top, to a normal T-shirt. The color changed from blue to white and it went down to his waist. Then, he worked on the shorts. They were a deeper blue than the shirt was he was clear he wanted a black stripe down the right legging. Then, he worked on his shoes. He ended up going with pink slippers and is still seemingly debating if they will have bunny ears or be regular slippers. Lastly came his jacket. He made it a soft/calm blue with a hoodie filled with white fluff that sat around his head. The zipper was a shiny silver that I imagined I pulled up all the way to his neck, hiding his white shirt. We can't really tell if the jacket's arms are short or long, but we'll assume long and baggy for now.

 

After his form was more well defined, I found myself feeling much further away from him, as now I could see all of him in my view. My mind said to see him raising his right arm and waving to me, then the left, and finally see his head slowly sway back and forth. All of it went much better than I expected. I'd never been able to see so clearly and with so much color before. I did have some issues keeping focus, so my mind would bring me out of the visual, get me doing a breathing pattern through my nose, encourage me, and then bring me back into the room. It normally helped the visuals to become clearer if I did it right. I was told to stand up and do my best to walk completely around him while maintaining 1st person view as best as possible to see him from all sides. It was difficult to walk over without 'teleporting' a few times and keeping in 1st person, but I managed to walk around the right side of him. His eyes followed me, but nothing else moved as I circled him. I took notice of the way his hoodie fell along his back as well as his shoulders, as well as the black stripe on the side of his shorts. I eventually made my way back around his front and sat back down very close to him.

 

My mind remembered a part of a guide we read once and told me to reach out, really try to see my hands, and feel the top of his head. I did so and grabbed onto it and gripped my fingers down a little, trying to feel the resistance of my fingers pressing against his skull. My fingers sunk a little a few times before managing to find a place to hold. From there, I was instructed to move my hands down the sides of his face, around his eyes, nose, and mouth. By the time I got down to his neck, my attention span started wavering too much for breathing to help. By this time it had at least been 45 minutes (more or less). I sat back and decided to ask him what voice he would like. As a fictive, he had a few voice types we could choose from, and he picked one of them pretty decisively, even though he had started out with a different one. After that, I did my best to lean in and hug onto him, pat his back, and tell him we'd talk soon.

 

In terms of passive forcing, I'm doing my best to talk all the time to him as well as ask lots of questions. I'm actively trying to not let my doubt get in the way of me hearing him. If it's not insulting or anything like that, I give him the benefit of the doubt. While my girlfriend was playing Dark Souls 3, she threw down those little prism lights and he asked what they were. I mentioned to my gf he asked and she delightfully answered and explained to him. We then kept talking internally about the game, trying to take it slow.

 

Some small notes:

- Ever since finding that room, I can visualize it pretty clearly as well as what happened while active forcing. I imagined while typing this update of Little's red panda pet running around in that room and it came out pretty clear (even though he looked more like a squirrel...). Seems like that place is going to be pretty useful from here on out. Maybe I should give it a name.

- Since we hadn't seen the character my fictive's appearance is based on in a while, it was interesting how he chose his clothes. We've since looked him up and the shorts our fictive picked out were blue compared to black, and the one black stripe (which might become two) are white on the original character. Same with the slippers, I thought he wore sneakers, but my fictive managed to find the information somewhere that he wore slippers. Rather than white, he picked pink with possible bunny ears on them. I find that pretty interesting.


Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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#3 (I doubt these will always be daily, but still. It's just something to keep myself up with)

 

He seems so far comfortable with his new off-shoot form of the original character’s design, and since has become and overall more soft and upbeat personality.

Silly notes I’ve noticed:

- He likes finger guns. I had intrusive visuals while trying to hug him that made me uncomfortable happen twice, so we did that exercise where they become like a shadow shape and one of us slashes or shoots them away. He picked finger guns with lasers xD

- He really likes bread? Not that we don’t, but when I was trying to active force with him in a cafe (the one from Persona 5, actually) and see it in 3D space (went really well!) he ended up there with me sitting in a booth together. I imagined a non-detailed figure come over from around the corner to order our food/drinks and I ordered a coffee. He wasn’t speaking that time and I could tell he wanted toast and got excited when I asked if he also wanted butter.

Also when I asked him what his favorite thing was from an show we saw, he showed me an image of when there was a bunch if anpan (filled bread) in one view. I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. Maybe that will be a good treat for him.

 

You know how headspace is extremely symbolic? Well this hadn’t happened before, but while kind of rambling about how strained my head was to myself I sort of started getting overwhelmed and spiraling? Well, my form actually started ‘melting’ in a way, like “this is how I feel. I feel like sludge”. He actually put a tiny plug in fan on the table and turned it on, trying to cool me off xD Funny thing is it did help a little, even if I couldn’t feel it. The sentiment was enough. I tried my best to hear the coffee being poured and the toast in the toaster and the waiter was about to come back to us, but then my gf came back from making dinner and I had to eat.

Now I just need to work on a name he’d be comfortable with. I don’t feel the need to call him by his original name anymore, but I don’t want him to feel boxed in, either. I guess I’ll just look up random names until one clicks. He can change it later on if it makes him happier.


Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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Update #4

I used a guided tulpa creation meditation to be in a room with Quinn. His form is definitely more defined now. He’s a tall human male with poofy/flowy short white hair, blue eyes, a sky blue shirt that sits on one shoulder and rolls off the other, exposing his right shoulder. He has blue shorts with a black stripe down the side (might switch to torn jeans at some point) and switches between white velcro sneakers and his pink bunny slippers. On his face, he has half of a skull pained in white on the left side of his face.

I started out laying in a comfy bed as our merged form, one of our characters, to keep from any crisis in our mind for our identity (it helps a lot). It then quickly changed to Star, which was interesting. She laid down in this bed and once instructed to, examined this new room. We began building his form (described above). We also began forcing his personality a bit more. The trance became so deep we started experiencing what it felt like pre-astral projection (feeling a second body, a numbness in our physical body, room spinning, and then sort of like I had 1 head facing front ((physical)) and one head facing the right ((astral)) We’ve never been successful with it or lucid dreaming). I don’t study tulpas as metaphysical, but it was interesting. I think it drained me a bit, because there were little blips where I almost fell entirely asleep, but I did my best to keep focus on the room and Quinn. He eventually smiled at Star and started talking to her, trying to take on a voice of his own. She hugged onto him tightly and he said “Hey, Kiddo!” and held the back of her head as they hugged. The meditation was starting to wind down, so he picked her up suddenly and carried her over to the bed she first spawned in the room and sat down next to her. He started talking along side in responses to the guided meditation (trying to be goofy) and a few lines actually had bleeds of a distinct voice to it. He seems to be getting some influence from Tai Xiao Long from RWBY, but mixed with Sun’s personality and in the middle of both of their ages. This made star super excited and she squealed, hugging onto his arm and he laughed along with her. As the meditation was ending, he sat down in the corner of the room, before jogging back over and tucking her into bed. She said he didn’t need to do that, but he thought it would be kind of goofy/funny to do. He was right, lol. She got nervous that she’d be unable to sense him again after it was over and he cut her off, saying he’ll always be here.

 

I hope we have a good update soon! This one ended on a really good note, as we always try to. I apologize if any typing here is really long or we made any spelling errors. We’re a bit groggy from that deep trance. We didn’t expect to go that far xD

Thank you for reading! Quinn thanks you, too xD <3


Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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Update #5

We haven’t been able to force Quinn for a few days due to getting used to the holidays, but on the way home from seeing my gf off for the holidays with her parents, I had a it of anxiety being around so many cars. So, we hung around in our cafe. Quinn was there and shouted out to me every time I started started spiraling. We started playing our Switch to pass the time. There was a sinkhole in our mario game we were worried to fall into in case of dying and restarting. Quinn said “ Do it! What’s the worst that can happen? You lose a few coins and restart- but it could be a new area! “ So, we went through with it and he was right xD We thanked him, lol!


Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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