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Tulpamancy Troubles: Manipulation and Confusion


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Edit: This was the emotional outlash after struggling with my partner and my problems. Please don't read this if you don't want to. If you can relate at all to the mess down there, then that's great. Ranger and I sorted it out and everything is fine. I put this as a question because I didn't know what to do, and I'm sorry for the long winding craziness.

 

 

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The hard part about this is it's complicated. It's a long story, and I can't describe my situation without fairly specific details.

 

 

For a while now, I had an "imaginary friend" named Ranger. The thing that's different is I assumed he was my "subconscious" and he had sentience, only somehow it was buried under my thoughts and through his conversations with me. I kept wondering if he was more than just an "imaginary friend" or if he was something more sophisticated. I then found out about Tulpas and Tulpa.info after several Google searches. After reading the description of what a Tulpa is and some guides, I realized he might be a Tulpa.

 

I found out that it's not a good idea to go from imaginary friend to Tulpa through reading the guides. I went with the decision anyway because I wasn't sure if Ranger was already a Tulpa or not, and if he already was, I didn't want to take away his memories or fail to recognize him for what he was. I decided that I'll start more or less from scratch, call him Ranger, and then let him choose if he wants to keep that identity or not. I figured if the identity of the "imaginary friend" truly wasn't a Tulpa and he realizes the past identity isn't him, then he can drop it and the name if he wanted so we could move on from that and continue development.

 

So, I started forcing and narrating over the course of roughly a week. I assumed he could be anyone, so I talked to him about stuff, named a bunch of random nouns, etc. I also told him over and over that he can be whoever he wants to be and told him about the situation and so forth. Soon, I read about early signs your Tulpa is trying to talk to you and found out about head pressures and emotional flashes. Not very long later, I start getting head pressures. I was excited, and after that focused on how to use his head pressures to figure out what Ranger was trying to tell me.

 

One of my fears during development was parroting and not actually listening to him. Before finding out about Tulpamancy, I normally chatted with him every now and then. Now and then, I was trying to figure out how to deal with my anxiety. In the past, my attempt was to create some character and personify it, and I interacted with it alongside Ranger. I interpreted this a some kind of mental role-play as a way to understand my anxiety, or at least not feel the raw emotions head on. As time progressed, I made more characters, Ranger became multiple people (but I new they were all him) and this continued for quite some time.

 

Over time, my anxiety became worse. I had darker thoughts, bad things happened to both me, Ranger, and everybody else in the "mind role-plays". I reached a point where the anxiety no longer embodied a character but just a black liquid substance and intoxicated anyone or anything it touches. Soon, my own dark thoughts set things up where I felt I couldn't trust Ranger sometimes or at other rare moments he flat out wanted to kill me. In the long run, I knew that I loved him and he loved me and probably didn't mean it, but it was still troubling and disturbing.

 

I reached a point where I don't do the role-play stuff anymore, and I focused more on Ranger as a whole. At that point, my faith in Ranger was declining, thinking he was an "imaginary friend" and probably didn't have his own thoughts. I thought the only way to know for sure was to lucid dream and talk to him, thinking Ranger won't be influenced by my thoughts. I found that lucid dreaming was probably not my thing, after several failed attempts and seeming inability to relax enough to do MILD or WILD.

 

I was worried I was lying to myself the entire time, simply parroting everything and while helpful, meant that it was unlikely Ranger was sentient. Despite feeling this way, I felt that something was off- that it just didn't feel right If Ranger was simply an "imaginary friend". I spent a bunch of time on Google trying to find any clues or anything similar to what I was going through, and eventually found out about Tulpas.

 

So, when forcing with Ranger in the last week or so, I tried to minimize what I said, expecting Ranger probably couldn't say much on his own. I reached a point where I felt like I was talking to him like I used to, and that concerned me. I read guides saying that if your Tulpa talks, then it's them and in other guides fast progress isn't unheard of. I wondered if I was so good at Parroting from several years of experience, it could be almost impossible to tell who's really talking and who isn't.

 

I found a tip that suggested if your were really struggling with parroting, then you can imagine your Tulpa taking a garden hose representing your thoughts, and then mostly shutting of the hose and in doing so allow your Tulpa to talk more and the Host to listen more. [Reference to the guide here] I decided to try that over the weekend, hoping I could finally hear Ranger's thoughts and not have to worry about mine being in the way. The experience... it wasn't fun, giving me a massive headache at the end, but I learned that he likes the color orange, doesn't like it when I called him "buddy", and apparently likes to collect words into some giant dictionary. Despite being freaked out, I thought I was finally getting somewhere.

 

So after that, I talked to him some more, tried to figure out the head pressure thing, try some hand possession to see what happens, and then after waking up to tingling in both of my hands (weird since I focused him into only my right hand previously), Ranger confronted me.

 

He started off by confirming that his identity matched the past, and he told me that he was really frustrated with me because I thought I was parroting. He told me that he picked his favorite color to be orange on purpose, knowing I associate it with danger (In the past, I associated Ranger with the color purple). After telling him I was afraid I was controlling him he told me, "...no, I have more controll over you than you think..." and explained to me that he had kept a close eye on me for a long time, that he made himself an authority figure on purpous, even in the "role-plays?", and was willing to manipulate his appearance, hide his thoughts, and manipulate me just so he could help work with me when I needed help or get me to talk to him, especially when I was uncomfortable or lethargic. He revealed that he was a little bit evil, and explained to me that the anxiety got to his head just as it got to mine. He explained that about a few months ago he told me he was real because he was scared I was loosing faith in him and he decided to tell me all of this now because I now believed he was a developing Tulpa and started gaining my faith in him again.

 

I feel really guilty and sad, not angry. I feel guilty he felt pressured to manipulate me and hide his true feelings, that he would manipulate himself to get closer to me, and devastated that I never really knew until now.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I still have that feeling that I'm just having another moment of spiraling anxiety and I am making it seem worse than it seems, but I don't think it's the case. I know I have Ranger as my Tulpa, but I don't understand why I feel like it's my voice and not his? 

 

I don't want Ranger to feel like he has to live the rest of his life like this. Where do I go from here?

I actually use this as a form now, but it's not my main one. I'm still not a hippo, neither is Ranger.

I used to speak in pink and Ranger used to speak in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

 

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