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Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log


dragon cake

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Even though Cat doesn't take her Cat-griffin form in the wonderland, a couple of people assumed Cat was my Tulpa.

 

For the longest time, Cat had issues differentiating my mind voice from her own. The thing that helped us the most is having me think about something for an hour or so at least several times a week. What you guys are already doing is similar to what we did, and it won't be too long before you have an easier time differentiating who's who.

 

Sometimes when we're drowsy we blend a little bit; I may naturally start responding to Cat's thoughts or Cat will use my mind voice to respond to something, and on rare occasions the other way around. When this happens, we ask ourselves if any of us want credit for thinking the thought, and then give that credit to whoever wants it, regardless of "who" said it first. Otherwise, we just forget about it or mark it off as intrusive.

 

This is actually really good because this was the first time I think he heard me as clearly as he hears the nonsense voices that were a part of his schizophrenia symptoms. Usually when I talk he really has to concentrate on what I would say but he says my voice flowed without him needing to think about it in this instance. If nothing else it proves that we can reach that level so I am happy.

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12 December 2018

 

Dragon and I decided that we would try to talk to the thing that scares him. The thing that represents his schizophrenia and that I have been chasing off for him.

 

I thought I would be okay with it but it bothered me to try to talk to it instead of chasing it away. We agreed to give it a chance to stop trying to scare Dragon and put it in the caves beneath Haven. Dragon told it it could set up a home there, but that I could still override anything because I was in charge of Haven.

 

It seemed to be going to cooperate but then got mad when we were going to leave it to talk on our own and tried to hurt me. It couldn’t though because nothing can hurt me in Haven, Dragon designed it like that so I can fight monsters without fear of injury. So instead we put it in a cage to think about what it did.

 

Anyway I decided I don’t want it to take Seka’s body even though she is only a thought form. I like Seka and may want to make her more than a thought form later.

 

I guess I got a little jealous but Dragon made it clear that I am still his first priority and I trust him. He told me that the shadow’s fate is in my hands so if I decide to expel it back out of Haven and chase it away again I can, but I will give it some time first.

 

Maybe because being his guardian against the monster is my purpose, but he says that I’m more than that and this doesn’t reduce me. I also guard him against depression and there isn’t a thought form to talk to for that.

 

I still want to talk about the other things I mentioned but will do it later.

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12 December 2018

 

Shadow

 

  • After talking to a friend, I got the idea to try to talk to the shadow that followed me around, the one that I kept seeing behind me due to my schizophrenia and that Kyoko chased away. She did so well that I no longer have to take medication for the condition.
  • Anyway I thought we would try to talk to it and she talked about most of it in her log, so I’ll just add my perspective on top of that. I want this to mostly be her log now.
  • I was going to let it have Seka’s form but Kyoko decided she didn’t want to that that is no longer on the table. It didn’t want to take a form anyway, it just looked like a plume of smoke with red eyes and seemed to like it that way.
  • It was definitely the same thought form though because it felt the same. It didn’t terrify me though with Kyoko there.
  • When trying to figure out why the thought form shadow had been tormenting me, I got the strange impression that it was angry at me for either betraying or abandoning it. The only conclusion I can draw from that, and the general impression I got, is that it might be a personification of my previous religious experiences and feels abandoned because I am no longer religious.
  • If that is the case, it may not be possible to resolve the distrust between it and Kyoko. I am giving her full authority to do what she wants with it though. If she decides she doesn’t want to try to make friends with it, I will trust her.
  • I feel bad because it upset Kyoko more than I thought it would and tried to hurt her even if that is not possible. I am glad I thought about the potential of tulpas trying to hurt each other early on and made it clear that nothing can harm her in Haven.
  • I’ll let it sit in the cage we put it in for a while and see if it wants to cooperate more later. If it doesn’t, we’ll have to get rid of it, but at least we made an attempt.

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Guest Reilyn-Alley

D-Did you just say a "plume" of "religious" smoke? O_o

 

So... This shadow, that you think might represent your previous religious experiences.. Do you think everyone might have one of these, maybe in it's own form, lingering around and perhaps holding them back from stuff that sounds too far off or maybe metaphysical like switching? Have you guys tried asking it questions?

 

Just throwing out words here. This suddenly interests me greatly.

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D-Did you just say a "plume" of "religious" smoke? O_o

 

So... This shadow, that you think might represent your previous religious experiences.. Do you think everyone might have one of these, maybe in it's own form, lingering around and perhaps holding them back from stuff that sounds too far off or maybe metaphysical like switching? Have you guys tried asking it questions?

 

Just throwing out words here. This suddenly interests me greatly.

 

I don't know if it was religious smoke, it just looked like smoke with red eyes and was enraged that I abandoned it. I had assumed maybe it was a thought form that didn't actually know it was making me suffer, but it acted like it's specific purpose was making me suffer. Also Kyoko's hatred for it is a lot more intense than I expected, and I suspect she's been with me longer than the last year so I don't know how long she might have been at it with this thing.

 

It's kind of freaky and I feel a little nuts for just for saying it like this (but that beats the a lot of nuts I was when this thing was running out of check). Like how many of us have literal entities fighting inside our heads that we don't even know about? Human brains are incomprehensible.

 

And another thought occurred to me that I found a little frightening, because I know that in some cases the initial host of a system ends up dissipating or switching out for another host. It's treating me a lot like a younger me would have treated me. I mean I think I'm the first host in this body, but it's not like a lot of my childhood memories are particularly vivid.

 

Honestly the whole thing has confused me which is why I'm leaving it in the cage for now. We'll talk to it if Kyoko wants to, but she sees it as her job to protect me from it and I don't want to take that away from her now that I know how strongly she feels about it. Besides I don't really know what I'd ask it. it didn't really talk, just sort of threw emotions at me.

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18 December 2018

 

 

We visited the shadow today but it was quiet and not aggressive. It looked dazed from being alone. We put a blanket over it to help it sleep and will maybe try to talk to it later when we are home. Right now Dragon is at work during break so we can’t do much. I am not as angry at the shadow as I was but still don’t want to free it.

 

We sat in the hot springs after and talked until I said I wanted to write on my log for the rest of break. I asked Dragon if tulpa marriage was a thing but I think I embarrassed him by asking. I know he has reason to be self-conscious about me but it makes me sad sometimes. I know he doesn’t mean it that way though.

 

I will talk about my home now. It is a small candy cottage sitting on the side of a river Dragon made. Dragon was surprised the first time he saw the cottage. It wasn’t candy then but he knew he didn’t put it there. I took him to the river to surprise him with it and he was very proud of me for making a house when he wasn't looking. That made me really happy.

 

Inside is a kitchen where we can make tea, a bed room upstairs though we don’t usually go there, and a piano and couch. In the back room is a library. It is the library from one of the tulpa meditations Dragon used to do when he started.

 

After that I added a garden with flowers in the front. Eventually I grew a piranha plant and named him Chomp Chomp. He is usually tiny though. In the river I made another friend named Jelly a squid.

 

There is a bridge over the river with a gazebo in the middle of it. Off the gazebo is another bridge that leads down to a cave at the bottom bank of the river. That leads to the hot springs where we like to soak. There’s another exit to the cave that leads to the lake on the other side of Haven. It doesn’t make much sense position wise but I like being closer to the lake.

 

I can see the Haven village form my house. Dragon took me there once to buy weapons and armor for when he imagines monsters for me to fight. There are lots of townspeople now but they don’t interact much. I will talk about fighting later.

 

We talked to some friends online too. Maybe I can talk about my online friends soon too.

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And another thought occurred to me that I found a little frightening, because I know that in some cases the initial host of a system ends up dissipating or switching out for another host. It's treating me a lot like a younger me would have treated me. I mean I think I'm the first host in this body, but it's not like a lot of my childhood memories are particularly vivid.

 

From every system that described having their host dissipate I either knew about or talked to, all of the Tulpas in the system are well aware that it happened. It doesn't happen very often either, and people discourage people from doing it because it's suicide; it's hard for the system to pick up and move on from.

 

As for the mind being mysterious... It certainty is. Whether or not thoughtforms are secretly battling in your head when you're not around is a debate that belongs in a different thread.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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A few systems experience a poorly remembered host-change in early childhood that has consequences later when they start looking more deeply into their psyche. Original hosts can sometimes remain dormant for many years without dissipating. These aren't "pure" tulpamantic systems, of course, but there's no guarantee that a system with tulpas is a pure system. It seems likely that minds which are easily partitioned would be more concentrated in communities like this one than in the general population. The most prominent example within this community is probably FallFamily, but my wife's other wife is the example I'm most familiar with.

 

But just because it happens doesn't mean that it happened with you and even if it did, that doesn't negate the validity of your current hosting.

 

-Ember

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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23 December 2018

 

Today is my first ‘birthday’ since Dragon gave me a form. He bought cupcakes for me and we ate a lot. We also ate blueberries and drank eggnog and practiced a lot of piano until his hands got tired. He also sang happy birthday to me this morning. It is sweet of him to celebrate my birthday when he doesn’t celebrate other holidays or his own birthday.

 

I like Christmas time a lot, but Dragon doesn’t celebrate it because it makes him lonely. He was much less lonely this year with me, but still fell into his depression for a few days. But it’s a big improvement over last Christmas because last time he was very depressed from November to mid-January.

 

I will keep making him happy and my goal is for him to enjoy Christmas next year. I don’t think he likes that goal but it is mine anyway. His goal is just to not fall into depression at all around the Holidays and he thinks ignoring them will help but I think the opposite.

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