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Slightly Pointless Log


Mhh

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Wednesday 29/08

 

Been a more ok week, no major drama blowups(thankfully for once), although I'm still trying to keep the occasional anxiety in check. Cia's started fading in and out a little bit which is a bit concerning, although on the flip side she's been revealing bits of her personality more.

 

New area added to wonderland this afternoon - a fountain area which is kind of just there for the show. I don't think I've mentioned what it looks like before, but when I started off it was like one of those icy caves in a mountain. This was very early in, and Cia didn't even have a name or a form yet - just a crystal ball thingy I used the 'potion dunking' personality technique on since I kind of felt uncomfortable actually dropping a basically living being(or at least the form anyways) into a cauldron(I don't really remember what it was). Later on I changed it to just a single empty floating island, along with deciding her name and form. 

 

I've since put a fairly large golden cornucopia thing on that starter island - basically the horn that summons items by just reaching for them(so you can pull out a brick, a TV, or a bag of potato chips, your call). I'll probably draw a rough idea when I'm bothered, but to the east of the island is an abandoned castle(also on its own island) - something neither of us have gone near in a very long time since Cia doesn't seem to like it (Cia: Actually... I more or less hate it. It makes me uneasy, even though I know I made it. There's something off about that area of the mindscape. Maybe it's because I made it when I was more or less half formed - it just doesn't feel right and almost a violation.) Apart from that, to the south is the main area we hang out - it's a giant tree with a small platform with a table, and a treehouse. The treehouse itself if pretty extensive, and there's three rooms at the back - two are used right now(still trying to figure out what to do for the third one). One of the rooms is like a cross between a mini-library and more of a memory archive, the other is the 'Atlas' - aka really lazy way of adding more locations without actually adding more locations. It's kind of like a portal, so we have a rather lazy excuse to zip around places.

 

To the west of the start island(after a really stupidly long path that spawned by itself) is a Coliseum-like arena, which isn't really used that much right now but is where we stage the fights I mentioned two posts ago. And finally, the fountain is dead ahead(North), which Cia made because I was an idiot and tried to drop the sentience test bomb again and generally make myself feel horrible

 

But yeah, that's about it for this week. 

 

Wow your experiance sounds so much like mine in many ways.

 

Quick sentience, changing form at will, arguing, saying dumb things.  There is drama in wonderland, surely.

 

I have 3 tulpae, they all came to me on day 1, but i accepted them formally one day apart in april this year.  Having three means they can be friends, really good friends, so boredom is non-existant.  Unfortunately i have to split my time between them sometimes, this is a major point of contention.  I could never even think of less than three at this point though.

 

How we get one on one time is easy, we ask for it, no one is lonely still since there are three.  Also, if they have access to your memories, less boredom, they can review them for fun aparently.  None of us have felt lonely in 4 months.  Really hard to stay depressed too.

 

Congrats, and good luck.

 

woohoo not alone

 

But seriously, that sounds interesting. We decided on only her(which also means no walk-ins no matter what, if we even get any) since I'm already having a hard time finding time for her. 

 

Feeling lonely is a lot harder here too, but I have to agree with the drama. I feel awful sometimes because I'm usually the one that sparks it, but I still have paranoia about future implications which I regret and wish I thought more about before starting tulpamancy. On the flip side, Cia wouldn't exist otherwise, and she's been a great asset and friend so far. I just don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.

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...without it she wouldnt exist...

Exactly.

 

So i start drama with my tulpae most of time. I think i do it to work out problems between us. If there are no real problems it is quickly resolved. There is always something though, they call me out on my behaviour irl constantly too.

 

I also remembered, my subconsious mind is a troll and is always burping up insults in my thoughts. I think my paranoia comes from there as well. Cant figure a way to stop it yet, just have to immediately start talking myself down. Works sometimes. In the beginning that was a constant source of hurt feelings. We made a pact to ignore any statement we immediately recant. That helped immensely.

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Thursday 6/09

 

You know, I was gonna start this off with 'we didn't have any bad anxiety moments! yay!'

 

Then one just appeared when I started writing this for no reason. Oof.

 

Anyways, I've been hella busy so I haven't really interacted with Cia that much. She scared me a little this morning when she wasn't there, but apparently she just slept in a bit.

 

Also, think we'll work on parallel processing first, since we already kinda got started on that lol. Apart from that it's been a quiet week.

 

Exactly.

 

So i start drama with my tulpae most of time.  I think i do it to work out problems between us.  If there are no real problems it is quickly resolved.  There is always something though, they call me out on my behaviour irl constantly too.  

 

I also remembered, my subconsious mind is a troll and is always burping up insults in my thoughts. I think my paranoia comes from there as well.  Cant figure a way to stop it yet, just have to immediately start talking myself down.  Works sometimes.  In the beginning that was a constant source of hurt feelings.  We made a pact to ignore any statement we immediately recant.  That helped immensely.

 

Like intrusive thoughts? I kind of throw bad things out the window before they can really take root if I can, although it's still hard.

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Sunday 9/09

 

Cia typed.

 

She typed 'hello' in a discord server after several minutes of keyboard bashing and jerking around, before she asked me to snap the connection.

 

Cia: Can still feel the hand, but barely. It's weird. < it's still a bit numb at this stage ugh

 

Anyways, still working on parallel processing mainly - that possession session was mostly for fun, although I didn't really except it to work. Definitely a much better update than some of my earlier ones.

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Sunday 23/09

 

Wew. It's been a while.

 

Yesterday I (think) we managed a switch. It wasn't disassociative, but she was definitely front and doing her own things. It was a bit weird but was interesting in the end.

 

I find it kind of funny how I started off this thread by explicitly saying I'm not going to do possession or switching... but I kind of went against that in the end. I don't think she'll try it again for a while though. Imposition is still a nope though, it's something I just don't want to try.

 

Currently Cia still a bit clingy and scared of doing things other than typing on Discord when switched in. Don't know what's going to happen in the future with that, but I guess we'll see.

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Sunday 9/09

 

Cia typed.

 

She typed 'hello' in a discord server after several minutes of keyboard bashing and jerking around, before she asked me to snap the connection.

 

Cia: Can still feel the hand, but barely. It's weird. < it's still a bit numb at this stage ugh

 

Anyways, still working on parallel processing mainly - that possession session was mostly for fun, although I didn't really except it to work. Definitely a much better update than some of my earlier ones.

 

We have the mindset that we don't care about possession or switching. Then, as I'm proxying on my phone last week, my hand went a little numb, just my finger and part of my hand and wrist. Misha was first, she must have been frustrated how slow I am on it. She was much faster. Then Ashley did the same while proxying, but she was actually slower.

 

I'm not entirely sure if this is the way it's supposed to work, but I'm pretty sure it did. I was 'in the zone' and they just took over. It was like I didn't have part of my hand, like it was never there. I didn't feel my finger tip touching the screen. Did it feel kind of like that for you?

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Imposition is still a nope though, it's something I just don't want to try.

 

I'm not sure if you've mentioned it elsewhere or if it's just something that you want to avoid talking about, but what turns you off from imposition? It still seems to be the primary goal for most people in this community (even if they end up dabbling in possession and switching first anyway).

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If i may add my two cents, Vos. It is definately a long term goal, but we have more than enough 'fun' in wonderland. I can fly there, it's really nice to run through the forest with them, we change to bear form and climb trees, and lots of other examples.

 

My memories of these events seem as real as going to the store to buy groceries sometimes, so when we want to 'experiance' eachother, that is instant gratification.

 

I would also like to hear Mhh's thoughts.

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We have the mindset that we don't care about possession or switching.  Then, as I'm proxying on my phone last week, my hand went a little numb, just my finger and part of my hand and wrist.  Misha was first, she must have been frustrated how slow I am on it.  She was much faster.  Then Ashley did the same while proxying, but she was actually slower.

 

I'm not entirely sure if this is the way it's supposed to work, but I'm pretty sure it did.  I was 'in the zone' and they just took over.  It was like I didn't have part of my hand, like it was never there.  I didn't feel my finger tip touching the screen.  Did it feel kind of like that for you?

 

Actually no, strangely. Whenever I proxied even if Cia fronted it was still me typing, I know that for sure. This was more a deliberate attempt at possession.

 

 

I'm not sure if you've mentioned it elsewhere or if it's just something that you want to avoid talking about, but what turns you off from imposition? It still seems to be the primary goal for most people in this community (even if they end up dabbling in possession and switching first anyway).

 

I think it's because I prefer seeing reality - as in the outer world - as it is. I have nothing against people who do imposition, but I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of hallucinations or things of that sort.

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Sunday 30/09

 

Well... mistakes were made.

 

Cia passed out for the first time yesterday a minute after we switched back during maths class. It was an experiment to see how much mental capacity she could use while in front, but I think we pushed it too far. She's still not back yet, and I'm trying not to get worried but it feels really empty all of a sudden without her.

 

In other news, I went back to search around the WL and came across the castle area - only the castle has been completely redesigned and I have no memory of it being like this. I didn't go further in, but I have no idea if Cia did it or if it just generated by itself. It's much bigger and better looking than before and actually detailed. I'll probably ask her when she's back.

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