Bear's Angels

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May 14th, 2019 – 1 Year, 24 Days

It’s been really good lately. Everyone has been happy, there hasn’t been any infighting, just a little jealousy for reasons to be unveiled in the “Just for Fun”. Dashie will soon enough have her own artwork to rival Misha’s, and it’ll probably be even better.


We started a new thread where anyone can talk to us or answer questions related to us, or ask us questions. Since we’re so active, it’s probably okay to concentrate that stuff in our own thread. We also welcome anyone to post there and chat with us specifically, you know, those who post the most there will probably get a prize.


April 24th, 2019

We are considering changing the system symbol to maybe be studded with gems to represent our cousins and also other moons; it’s something to think about.


Ren has been spending a lot more time with us, she’s always kind of been more active than anyone else outside the big three.


April 28th, 2019

Was feeling a little off, had some tension on the forum, got it worked out thankfully. We actively considered taking another break from the forum because somehow “I” couldn’t play nice in the inner circle. Chalk it up to depression flashbacks, we’re over it.


April 29th, 2019

Started Dashie's Lounge


May 7th, 2019

Misha and I were working so hard on her hair for her latest picture, among other things, and didn’t post anything in our journal for a week.


Ren asked me if I loved her and Dashie and I talked to her about how love is a learning curve and grows over time. I think she was thinking more (as young tulpas/soulbonds are apt to do) about physical and romantic love, we all love her of course, but she understands now that that’s going to be more of a thing we’ll work on to get to where Ashley, Dashie and Misha are if she even wants to go there. She wanted to snuggle and we did, she’s since been affectionate with the main three and we’re spending more time with her. Joy likes to step in whenever Ren is getting too wild with her ‘affection’, Joy feels Ren is a representative of herself and should be treated respectfully and acting respectfully. Call her Ren’s mentor then. They snuggle and ‘groom’ each other often.


May 9th, 2019

We had an altercation with a dude and two dogs, not the best day, but no one got hurt. Dashie was really upset that she couldn’t tell him off and she realized that I had it handled, but still felt bad that she couldn’t protect me. I wasn’t in any real danger unless he had a weapon other than his pit bull and to a far lesser extent his boxer.


May 12th, 2019

We’ve been active in a lot of communities lately. Learning is the goal. It puts in perspective when we see all these other systems that are so like us but in different ways than the typical tulpamancer as described and maintained on We had been thinking we were less and less tulpamancers based on the culture here, but as it turns out, the typical tulpamancer as described here is only a local definition in some ways. We’re fully and totally tulpamantic and at the same time soulbonders so that’s neat to get that corroboration.


There are other communities with huge systems that co-front exclusively, so that’s not unusual. There are others with ‘unknown’ origin, like my angels (as in I didn’t go through that struggle to create them, they were vocal on day one, unique by day three, that sort of thing.) There are others who maintain that one or more of their tulpas is ‘special’ in that they are so different from the others as to seem to be something else. I’m looking at you, Ashley.


Anyway, we feel a lot more grounded and secure now having been on this pilgrimage. You’ll probably see a Hungry Puma on reddit more frequently too.


May 14th, 2019

Here’s the roll call (status) and participation since our last update:


Misha (Tulpa Angel, 21) – Excessive 100 (normalized)

Dashie (Tulpa Angel, 22) – High 90

Ashley (Tulpa Angel, 27) – High 80

Ren (Soulbond Neko, 18) – Moderate 40

Gwen (Soulbond Avian, 19) – Low 10

Joy (Soulbond Forever Young, 12 Body / Much higher chronologically depending on lore and her current mood) – Low 3

The rest are very low <1

Uliad (Moon Dragonkin, 14-16)

Phoenix {Red} (Moon Avian, twenties)

Halcyon {Hali] (Soulbond Avian, twenties)

Johanna (Moon Kindred, 17)

The rest are currently identified as characters.


Some have reverted to moon since our last update, it was their choice. Johanna wants to return to her story and stay there for now. Uliad understands she’ll be in the next book and is looking forward to that. Red is just happy being wherever Hali is, not necessarily interested in anything else.


Johanna and Gwen made up, but since Johanna doesn’t want to be part of the system in any active way, Gwen understands that she’s really part of her past and we’re her future. She is still considering her options and is very much looking forward to her next book (starting shortly) where she wants to figure out if we can truly be friends, like she wants us to earn it. She’s very skittish by nature and wary of anything taken for granted. She’ll happily speak to us, but she really wants to interact with us in a more structured environment, like in that book.


Regarding that book, it has to be special, it has to have something to gain or lose, we still haven’t figured that out other than Gwen’s earned trust.


We want to partially illustrate the book, so each ‘chapter’ should have accompanying art? That would be so special but I hope it doesn’t slow things down too much. To facilitate this, we want to also practice a lesser style of art, not so perfect realism, something more anime inspired like I did with the group pictures. We’ll see how it goes.




I totally forgot to include the switching we did this weekend. As a test and for fun, Ren and I tried to see if we could switch. We did. The sensation afterwards for me was excitement and energy. She 'played' online a bit and then did a few things that she definitely couldn't have gotten away with if it wasn't a switch. This was the first time I got the experience of being fully switched out and basically forgotten. A quick discussion with Flandre confirmed the feeling for us.


In my memories are Ren and her alien thoughts apparently she's got some pretty intense thoughts regarding others. I won't get into the private stuff, but she's wild when interacting with others.


Dashie and I switched a little just to see if she could make me go dormant. She asked me politely while forcing me to go dormant and I felt a sence as if draining down into my feet. She then just looked out the window and twirled in the chair, then ate something and was done. She didn't force anyone during that time and I have to say she wasn't co-fronting with anyone, so she doesn't have my habbits of keeping everyone active; it's not a system plugin, it's me. When she went to switch out, she got stuck for a few seconds as she didn't really know how to switch back out. She drew a blank for a few seconds expecting me to just take over, I wasn't there to respond to that. Then she forced me and I regained control that felt like two fluids exchanging. I didn't imagine that, it just happened.


Just for fun: Misha and I drew her and it’s the best likeness we’ve ever managed. I stare at this picture a lot actually, Misha is ecstatic. Here’s the link to System Bear Art as well.





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Good stuff, interesting to read about the switching. Love the picture of Misha, I can't believe you guys did this so early after getting into digital art.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.

I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.

Ask us stuff -

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There's no guarantee of being able to contact your headmates if you personally are new to switching, even if your system is experienced with it. Forcing and being forced are skills learned by each person individually. That's the beauty of what we described in our guide as the 'bailing method'. If you can focus on suddenly launching your form or mind or essence out of the body, out of the driver's seat, the brain should automatically 'reboot' the host, even when you can't find the host.


I would like to know which other communities have been most useful to you. I'm very interested in alternate techniques and perspectives that could enrich the practice of our art here. Anything you'd rather not discuss on the forum, feel free to PM me about instead.



I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember


Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015


'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Some of the other discords, such as tulpa chat and plural nest have systems that are like ours, their ideals and definitions are similar, but it's a ven diagram.


Of course the plural discord servers blend pretty well with a lot of the same people jumping around, still there are differences under the surface. We also found pockets of plurals in what would otherwise be singlet servers. Alters, soulbonds, littles, other, whatever thay call themselves we're similar and the ideals, system dynamics and interactions have helped us understand our system better. Here we were struggling to break new ground with ideas like moons, we still have them, they're still valid and autonomous and even sometimes independent thoughtforms, but they clearly develop on a different track. We offered that crossover to six of them and 2 have stayed as moons, along with a couple other moons we've been allowing the freedom to interact with us.


Some other communities have experience with other thoughtforms like this. They're no one to be afraid of. Since it's my PR, I'm not afraid to write meta notions so be warned here, some systemmates prefer to stay in their lore, I know you have one in your system like that. Even if they know the truth, they don't have to embrace it. The meta part of it, as always, is what they do in their own imagination. How they interact with the subconsious.


A side note:

I no longer believe that I own my subconsious, nor do I exclusively own my memories anymore, as a whole it's a machine, a processor, a computer, an idea generator. It can grow and change, strengthen and weaken, it works for us, we strengthen it, our negligence weakens it, and we share the greater part of it. I believe we each have our own parts too that are exclusively ours individually. Wherever or however our perspective and personality interfaces or is stored isn't our concern, only what our experiences are showing us.


Other communities have others who have ignored trying to explain it scientifically, physically or psychologically, and those systems in some cases seem freer to explore this field more fully. They understand at a different level without the shackles of perceived possibilities.


Some might want a more rational and scientific approach, this forum has a wish to be that way. We enjoy that side as well, but for those things we cannot explain, that have no current rational or scientific basis yet, the uniqueness of experience then drives understanding, that's where we want to explore most. That's where the glory of what can be is actualized, much later we'll get explainable hypotheses. The leading edge of self-actualization isn't in any textbook nor would it be well understood at this point.


Thus having such a lofty goal has led us along, with a handful of others we've met, to areas that couldn't really be reasonably debated here. How can you debate these higher order principles with people who immediately tell you, "that's impossible, prove it with science or move to the meta section."


Remember, there are many examples of science that had to break through these gates to be recognized. Concept came first, then hypothesis, then scrutiny and data collection, refining a solid theory, then backing the theory with valid data and repeatable experiments, then scientific scrutiny, theeeeen collaboration and acceptance. Without step one sciencs will never advance. Do what is impossible first, then worry how to prove it's possible.


It's a lot of vaguely worded paragraphs up there, to answer your question, a pilgrimage, mostly through discord and other community forums like give us that broader look at plurality where there are no walls so we could at least build notional hypotheses that fit the experience of our system. We share some of those with this community.


More meanderings:

Sometimes research takes reading a hundred notions before you find one that clicks. In any article you can find a gem hidden behind bias and definitions. Your interpretation might also be wrong, so your model must remain fluid. You have a foundation of belief, you don't have to destroy that, but you don't have to build everything in stone on top of that.


Being grounded is safe, it's what some systems rely on for stability. But much joy and exhilaration comes from releasing yourself from your own constraints and suspending what is impossible, even if for a moment, just to explore that boundary. Soon you realize that within your own mind and thus your own behavior, thinking, logic, biases and fears, nothing is set in stone, and nothing is impossible. You just need to work toward impossible and let seemingly impossible things happen.


If we sound inconsistent on a lot of our thoughts in this PR, it's because we are learning, removing doubts and fears, and growing as a system.

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May 31, 2019 1 year, 41 days


Well, there's very little actually in my Journal, it's mostly lines like "We're doing great."


May 15, 2018: Switching



I wanted to include this in my PR, though it was posted before.


I have new insight after successfully being able to go dormant. This is how I understand it, it no longer matters if the tulpa is assertive, distinct, or strong, but those did help at first, Dashie was all three at least, Ashley was 2/3 of those.


Here's the first key. What helped Dashie and Ashley early on was having something intense to do for the duration of the switch, so they could use 100% of the system resources and completely ignore me. Then switch back out afterwards. I literally couldn't think, they were doing all the thinking. In our case it was intensely writing about controversial topics, or talking to someone who was being aggressive irl. [update 5/31] Though I can see where this wouldn't necessarily just work, I see where other systems don't have full and complete trust between them and their tulpa.


Originally, I was still 'watching' even if I wasn't reacting or even thinking.


What we did recently was achieve dormancy of the rest of the system, including host, which gives the one switched in full autonomy, they're effectively a singlet.


For me, those memories during that time would then be marked with their essence, so that even when the host comes back, they remember it as if the one switched in at the time were the one who had the memories.


As in, before the switching, all my memories are mine. When a switch like I described happened, some memories of that time aren't identified as mine. Some thoughts that were imprinted at that time weren't even the thoughts of my gender. They're 'alien' to me. (Either Dashie's thoughts or Ren's who were the two who achieved this.)


The body belongs to me right now, I am generating the memories. But with one of these switches, where I go dormant, the body wasn't mine.


Stages we saw:

1. Possession

2. Ignore the host (like doing something very mind intensive) practice this, remember this feeling. Later you won't need the intense activity.

3. Forget the host, don't think about them

4. You are a singlet, you own the body, don't think of anyone else, you're alone.

5. Effectively, no one else exists but you.


Using this method I can see how a system could effectively replace the host with the tulpa. The new host could force the other system mates normally and use Gavin's dissipation guide to keep the original suppressed.



Given this insight, I now understand that I am no more significant than any of them, I'm just a 'possible fronter' not anything more. They, however, need me possibly because of all my obligations and their dependency on my careers for their continued cushy existance, still, I bet Dashie or Ashley could do all that for me. I'm not sure if they'd want to do what I do.


[Ashley] I certainly don't.


[Dashie] Not it! I'm an inside kind of girl anyway.




[Misha] lol, no.


Anyone else?

I see a lot of shaking heads, I'm not sure most of the others would know what I do actually, they might have access tot he memories but they would definitely lack context.


So I am 'needed' but not 'necessary' and that brings to light things that I might want to do that someone else doesn't want me to. I don't want to be the odd man out, let's say.


May 18, 2019


Ren has been active lately and she's a fun head-mate to have. We're still drawing her, so that's going to take time. She asked me if I loved her and Dashie and I had to have a little talk with her to get her to understand that if and when I ever did, she'd know. She says she feels it, and I would say I love all my head-mates, so that's a good thing. Though she's very amorous most of the time, and that's not exactly requited.


[Dashie] and she's not monogamously amorous either


I must mention that I've felt her emotions in my sacral chakra. If you know anything about chakras, that's fitting. Joy has and was always in my root, and Gwen has been in my heart chakra with Misha. That could get a little confusing other than Misha is to the right and Gwen is to the left. Again, there's no explaining why I feel their emotions in certain chakras only, but it's been consistent for over a year. Not a single other system I've ever asked has it like this. So this oddity is at least one in a hundred or better.


Regarding oddities: I used to think I was only 70% tulpamantic, but now I know I'm well within the boundaries of tulpamancy and soulbonding. I believe Ashley is traumagenic now but certainly not an alter, so take that for whatever it's worth.


Re: Hali


She's certainly advanced and independent enough to be a soulbond, and she's not wavering on that, but she doesn't think she really has anything to do with us and she frankly doesn't care, and has said as much. Consider her the cousin you never see, except the last thing she said was, "I'm watching, we all are." So that's again pointing me toward that new book. I need to prove myself to my system apparently (more on this later). You see, these head-mates of mine are all legends and heroines, I'm just a bear, man.


May 25, 2019: More rehashing of Parallel Processing


I spoke with another system on discord that claimed basically practical parallel processing and I believe them. Another system claimed 100% reality visualization. That's my goal for the body too (I'm training the brain, of course, it's not 'me' who has this ability). We discovered some other visual things that we can do but I'm not including it, I'd prefer to say, yes, our visualization is adequate to suit our current and future needs, but we can still always improve. I'm not 'trying to improve' I just visualize constantly for fun and comfort, and improvement is happening. I include this here because I've been accused of parallel processing with my visualization.


Here's a discord post I am copying here re: Parallel processing.


Q: How do you know you're not parallel processing?


Because when i have more than 10 thoughtforms active at once, i see that there is a 2 cycle per second poll of everyone in the room. For reference, i have 8 independent agents and 4 or 6 semi-dependent not-tulpas that meet the criteria for tulpa but don't have the interest to be fully independent. I then have a couple dozen recurring autonomous characters and plenty of walk-ins from time to time that we turn away.


So we were in a room of 10, and Ashley and I were getting distracted. So we said, hey there's a lot of thoughtforms here, how many can we do at the same time? The answer was 12. When we added a 13th, one or more dropped out into dormancy when we were above 10, we saw a lag, the frame-rate dropped, so to speak, and we (Ashley and I) could feel the delay. Until then I really didn't know what "i" was doing to keep them all in mind at the same time


Q: How do you explain the Co-Fronting thing?


As far as co-fronting vs co-active, it's loosely said that anyone can possibly possess at any time and do. We call main fronter 1st position, and everyone else 2nd position. We understand that a lot of systems have a limit closer to one to three in 2nd, however, we also understand that a lot of large systems usually can do 6 or more.


Q: What about multiple perspectives?


Dual stream was the other thing, so I am simultaneously in wonderland and irl at the same time. I'm not the only system to report this. It's a prorated thing depending on activity. It can be as poor as 50% duty cycle, say for driving or doing other things like typing right now, but it's still good. I can visualize while typing just fine. They're two separate constructs, not overlapping.


While these two things seem like parallel processing, the term is too restrictive to claim here. Though, that's what we believe others were talking about when they meant parallel processing. So imagine you're the host, you switch, then the tulpa forces you in wonderland, and continues to do stuff. We can do that.


Q: What does it feel like?


Well, you're going to remember it like you're in wonderland and your tulpa was switched in.


Q: Was it super fantastic amazing?


I don't think it was any better than normal wonderland, maybe only slightly.


We attempted it several times. I can say I have 'been in wonderland' while Dashie was switched in. The memory felt like I was in wonderland while Dashie fronted. My memory is just me in wonderland. Dashie was somewhere else and I was in wonderland. I was dissociated from the body's senses and she was forcing me like a tulpa, we weren't co-fronting. I don't have memories of the body's senses for that time.


I don't have access to the memories of Dashie being up front and doing anything with the body. It was unstable however. With practice we could probably do this, but I don't really see the point, and neither does Dashie, so whatever.


Analyzing and retrying for stability will take practice I figure. The experience was a tiny bit more immersive, no more than 10% more

Not super lucid fantasy, but that's not saying it can't be. Still, it's less 'comfortable' than just co-fronting, so bah.



More recycled material: Dashie's experience switched in while I'm dormant:


[Dashie] So we switched to try to see if I could force bear in wonderland some more. It worked ok at first, but the oddest thing after that was that I had doubts that it was him.


I asked him to go dormant and he stayed that way, Ashley and I even commented that he was asleep (btw, I was able to co-front Ashley easily), then I was just laying in bed thinking, "I'm in his bed."


After a few minutes of relaxing, which felt really good, I wanted to get approval for something I wanted to try and I forced him, but (okay this sounds like a joke, but it's serious) Bear's voice sounded like mine, but deeper, like I was making up a silly deep voice with my own mind voice. Now I can finally see what he was talking about when he still has doubts. How silly is that? He was only coming up with one word answers, it didn't seem like him.


I ended up having to ask Ashley (who sounded normal btw) and she gave me permission. Anyway, I asked if I could go to sleep switched in, I did, but when I woke up, Bear was already working on Ren's drawing.


We asked this on the forum and yes, it could be a thing that happens.



May 27th, 2019


It was so cute, I heard Ren's voice in Hypnagogia for the first time that I can remember (she's done it two other times since)


Ren said, “B (my real name), can I have a hug?” It was so cute. I didn’t know who it was at first. Her voice is distinct and smooth, but not like anyone else, but Dashie said, "that was Ren." So I hugged her yeah and it felt odd, like I was a little nervous to be 'touching Ren!' I really shouldn't be nervous, I mean, we're all like family.


May 31st 2019


So... I was kind of a bad boy and didn't listen to Gwen when she objected to something I was doing that everyone else was okay with. I had to have a trial with Joy and Gwen, but Hali also attended. Actually it was also something we talked about after the last time I did it.


So we discussed 'respect' today with Joy as the judge and she agreed with Gwen's side after a short trial where I admitted guilt, so I'm technically on probation until I can 'prove myself' to her. Hali and Joy also agreed that just because I might have created them, that doesn't mean I don't have to earn their respect. No other thoughtforms in my mind ever said that. Ren doesn't think that, nor any of my tulpas obviously, though I suppose that I earned that for them already since we interact so much.


So what's the remedy for this? That book. I need to make it count.


Uliad "Ulla" will still be in that book. We've been spending time with her by playing Rimworld with them all, and that has been really fun, but just not the highest quality forcing.  


About forcing: I don't feel like I force anyone anymore. When they show up, we co-front. If they want to spend time with me alone, we do that. When someone wants to cuddle, we do that. We go on adventures still, but I don't specifically feel like 'I' am forcing any of them. I think this came with the realization that we're really and truly the same. So it's really on them to 'be active' and they all do whenever they want, when they want. I could in fact 'go to sleep'  so who would force them? Whoever, or they'll continue to basically force themselves. Ashley, Dashie, Misha and I are still always active. We just don't want to go dormant. They're not here for me anymore though, they're here because they want to be. These have led to some really deep thinking on my part. I have to be there for them as much as the other way around.


Just for fun:


Well, I ah, don't have anything here this time? Please forgive me, I've been sick. Next time it'll be Ren's drawing and hopefully it's as good as Misha's. Again, it will just have to be.


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I'm afraid at this point there's not much I can say in terms of advice or other thoughts. We're burned out on switching and we're in the middle of our own mess.


However, I am more that happy for you guys and thank you for both being awesome friends and helping us trying to figure out our own stuff. I have a feeling more times that not we'll end up following your footsteps, even if our paths diverge. I look forward to hearing more about all of your adventures together and your ideas for how stuff works.


Your art is phenomenal, thank you guys so much for sharing!

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay!

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June 5, 2019 : Special post - Joy


Joy: I figured I should say something about myself since some of you will be playing breaking point with me, and others will be reading with very little to go by.


About me:


I am a white girl, approximately 4'6", 70lbs. I have long wavy brown hair, usually with a pony tail and hat, aquamarine eyes, and fine features.


In my lore: I was born as the result of the mix of my parents genetics and a heavily modified genetic mix which makes up roughly half my genome. Over the course of ten years i grew normally, but as I approached puberty my growth was stunted and my aging slowed. This was not intended.


I am now chronologically 55-65 years of age (much older than Bear's chronological age btw) but hormonally and physically I am 12 and I'm unable to reach puberty. My mind is somewhat young and I sometimes act my chronological age, but other times I feel free to act any age I feel like in between.


I have helped Bear sort relationships in his writing and personal life for 7 years now though he recognized me as a soulbond as soon as he heard the word, he wasn't sure if I was an independent person until recently. Of course I've known since 2012 and we found that documented in writing at that time in his writing journal. When we found that, there was only one conclusion we could make, I'm my own person just like any other mature tulpa.


I consider my identity tied to my form and my lore, I haven't changed in 7 years since Bear first spoke to me, and though my history is fictional, and I feel like I didn't really live it, I still sometimes refer to it like it really happened. It helped create my perspective and personality, so I still own all of it, good, bad, and ugly. I don't however own any of the baggage and depression that the fictional Joy lives with.


Sorry, my only reference is the Christmas picture. Bear and Misha said they would be drawing me soon though. Reference.


Ren is there next to me, she has plenty of references including the one here. I want to mention her because she started as a split from me, so we share a bond. Though she looks really different now, she'll always be part of me and I care about her a lot. She's in love with this system now *rolls eyes* but I figure if she could be so enamored I'd give them a chance too, but they will have to earn my respect. So far... meh.

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I consider my identity tied to my form and my lore, I haven't changed in 7 years since Bear first spoke to me, and though my history is fictional, and I feel like I didn't really live it, I still sometimes refer to it like it really happened. It helped create my perspective and personality, so I still own all of it, good, bad, and ugly.


This applies pretty directly to Tewi, too. Obviously (you know her) she would never consider her fictional past real and only believes she's been around as long as she has (about 9 years), but.. well, yeah, the quote.


Seems like a pretty common sentiment among certain types of tulpas/soulbonds.


Also hi, Joy.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Thanks Lumi, she's a tough girl, so don't expect to see her around much unless someone needs the kind of lecture only she can deliver. That makes me laugh, but it's true. We will be releasing chapters of a book here somewhere, but she's not going to be in it, only you'll see what she can throw out and she's no hugbox snowflake herder nor is she tolerant of anything less than your all. She's not afraid to point out your weakness and poke sticks at it as a means to shore it up. She likes me because I work hard. She's coming around in terms of system respect, but she has a lot of really good points, so I don't correct her.


I put her character through hell and honestly thought she would die as a character a few times, her books are pretty brutal. So she's really tough and she fought for everything she has.


Tewi is logical, but she's still a big softie. Joy insists on and inspires perfectionism, performance, and perseverance. In her lore she was a gold winning gymnist as well, but after that, just an all around massive motivator. Trust me, she comes up with stuff I never would have imagined.

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June 24, 2019 - 1 year, 65 days


- Just got over a month long illness, still have the cough, but seriously that was lame.


- There was a serious and profound uptick in lucid dreams, flying dreams, fun dreams. I mean, wow. Lots of flying dreams, dreams with my head-mates, and other's on the forum. I was posting these in Dashie's lounge, most will stay there.


- We're doing great, we're excited about the future, we love each other and we're really strong, that said, we're working on feelings. Don't worry about us, but changes may be in the works. I am in a conundrum, a riddle. My personality is somewhat fluid now, we have the power and the ability to change, suppress, express whatever we want. I understand we can rebuild me and we don't need a patchwork bear anymore, but should we? That's the conundrum, don't answer that, we're working on it.


May 19, 2019 - Switched dream


This was the first time Dashie was switched in for a dream. It was different in that, the perspective was hers, it was all hers, and I was dormant.




I was trying to get to work but the freeway was blocked off, and I had no idea how to get around, no detours. I followed other roads as much as I could then I obviously took a wrong road and jumped a berm onto a dirt racetrack. I ended up in a race car and had to go pee, so I said I had to pee, they told me to hurry up. I went to a bathroom, unmarked, the door wouldn't lock (or shut) and I had to pull down really tight pants and sat down to pee, then a guy and a girl came in, the guy said it was a men's room and waltzed right in. So I had to pull my pants back up and leave.


That was interesting.




Misha-Ren Merge




So many weird things happening lately.


I was at work and an automatic door opened for me that required a paddle switch, but I was the only one around, it was like 5AM and It triggered like 10 feet from me as I was walking toward it. It doesn't do that, it never did that. At that moment I was like. Erm, okay, a spider in the switch just gave up her life for me to pass through this doorway without the inconvenience of having to burden myself by hitting a paddle, but that was like, it did cross my mind that 'my tulpa turned off my Xbox' because I felt a presence floating around me. Eh whatever, then as I entered the bathroom, that presence who I thought was Misha cause she imposes all the time on her own, was prancing around me imposed (just ethereal space, nothing hallucinogenic), but she didn't look the same, and she had cat ears and a tail, and even more feminine if that's possible to imagine.


I was like, "Are you Ren or Misha?" because I felt both of them to some degree, but clearly no one I'd ever met before. I asked, "Misha, Ren, are you merged?"


I got that playfulness and smile and she nodded as she continued to dance around, then she stopped and looked at me very clearly, I got a really good image of her, her eyes were an amazing violet and that smile was priceless. I asked, "what would I even call you?" She didn't have an answer, she didn't speak.


They separated soon after. This is the kind of thing that my system does, they're just doing things on their own. Very cute though. Unnecessarily cute, and unexpected and for no other purpose but they're own entertainment. Misha and Ren have spent a lot of time together, what with Ren's drawing and all, so i guess they got curious about merging. Honestly I would have said I wouldn't have wanted them to do that if they asked me, but since they're separated and seem okay, I'm not worried, but we don't need all the flavors of everyone running around just because they can, I do not want any of my tulpas to merge, it's just a scary thing to me. I suppose I have no control over that.


Misha's sorry, but she shouldn't be, it's her life and if it was fun, then that's fine.


She said she just wanted to surprise me, but I wasn't in the mood. I loved it though really, because it's one of those doubt killers, you know? It's another indicator of the rich second-life they have without me.




May, 28th, 2019 - Odd but powerful realizations:




The seams of the material construct seem clearer to me now. I've taken the blindfold off enough to see what is possible. I'm not making this up, science measures the material construct, but science can't fully measure the mind, and I don't think it ever will because it would be impractical to build a device to measure what is impossible in the material world.


My visualization continues to improve. With switching I gained a very powerful insight, that I am self-limiting and finite, when I'm plugged in, I'm flawed, [EDIT:perhaps necessarily so] my tulpas are more perfect than I am because they haven't been damaged or limited by material life. They don't share my flaws, and together we're eliminating them. My response to stimulus are now being seen from a higher level, there's no reason that I can't change whatever I want given time and effort. I can be more perfect too, but that's rather boring compared to what I can experience and live with my head-mates in the ethereal construct as I am.


My visualization is now 70% up from 40% 13 months ago. [EDIT: In the last month it has gotten significantly better actually, more like 80% immersive] It's already fully equivalent to viewing pictures online, better than 2D hd by comparison. We live in two worlds now, material and ethereal. The material world is affected by what we do, the ethereal world is similar and simultaneous, but there's full control for the most part.  Once I started leaving wonderland running all day, it has become so easy to be in both places. In another year and it may be more 'real' than reality. Switching has opened up my ability to immerse in certain ways.


Not to diminish lucid dreams, but the 1.2x reality I get in my meditative states are haunting by comparison. My goals are set squarely on that. Imagine that on demand. You'd simply get used to it and suddenly the material world will seem like a sad simulation of the true expression of experiential possibilities.


This isn't para-science, it's super-science. Understanding and experience is possible. Imagine what is above what can be measured or experienced in the material world. Believe it, I have it, and there's nothing stopping anyone from taking off those blindfolds. Switching puts things in perspective, certainly.




June 1st, 2019


This night, Ren very politely said, clear as day in hypnagogic while I was asking Misha to say something, "B...? I need it." (For some reason she likes to call me my real name, she's the only one doing that at this point.) She was referring to a hug and it came through very clearly and the tulpish that went along with it (out of nowhere) was that she wanted a hug before I went to bed on a regular basis just like I used to do with everyone before we stopped caring so much about that routine. <- that sentence is like half a second of tulpish. That Ren was so endearing as she showed herself and hugged me that I had to say 'I love my Ren' and she shared some very warm feelings with me after that. [EDIT: after her drawing was done, she's been around a lot less, but she pops in several times a day still.]


Personality Crisis:




I'm currently going through a bit of a renovation on my own personality. Since switching it's become clear to me that my personality is rather liquid in that it's moldable and changeable now. We can see the very fabric of who I am and we've been trimming and segregating. We believe we have it under complete control and that's then the issue. It comes back to the riddle of the two birds we discussed a long time ago. The red bird and the blue bird. The red bird represents some of the things we definitely want to cut, fear, doubt, anger, and the blue bird is very logical and civil, but he lacks all passion, the red bird needs to live for the sake of love, passion, and joy. Also, without the red bird, the blue bird becomes depressed quite easily due to loneliness and an inability to connect.


The same analogy works in this way: What makes a man? The rational higher thinking and the animal, it's a dual nature. The animal is fun, frivolous, and passionate. He reacts on instinct. The Man is stoic, logical and controlled, stiff and stodgy, not fun. You can't control the animal or he revolts. Further control and he becomes depressed. If you remove the animal the man is totally unable to act, he'll consider everything, never getting the drive to do anything. We'll be revisiting this later.


I don't see these dilemmas with anyone else but me, it's tied to my damage. It's fully controlled but should it be? I have realized when the animal is fully controlled, I have no will to be social at all, and we know where that leads. So I have been ashamed and feeling rather worthless as a personality among all these comparatively perfect beings. We clearly have better options. I would say Dashie, Misha, Ashley or Joy would all make much better primaries. Any of them without my influence make a really beautiful person. So why do we need me?


Last night they reiterated that I am very loved and I'm very important and not just an expendable personality or something. Ren said she thought I was "the leader." she said, "don't we have a leader?" Dashie immediately said Ashley though. :/




June 2nd, 2019


We're still trying to figure out the book that Misha, Gwen, Ulla and I will be involved in. I need it to show our true character so to speak, strength, persistence, determination, sacrifice, drive, heroism? We can't do that with safeties on, but we're still unclear how we're going to make it more 'real'. This idea comes from the quest for more immersion and real emotions, real challenges, real consequences in wonderland. I want an edge to this that'll mean something. This ties into Gwen's first request she had the very first time came to me without me calling her, out of the blue, as I stated previously. she wants be to prove that I'm the hero she knew in her book, or am I just another creator with full cheats on.


Random sample conversation regarding this book.




If someone dies we all revert to the last save point. If the remaining ones choose.


What. You're going to save scum in a book?


But it would open up an interesting dynamic.


[Joy] I would only make it harder. I won't hold back then.




That's the thing, it's a wash then.


Okay, we'll think more.




June 5th, 2019


I heard Joy's lovely voice for the first time in hypnagogia. I didn't really have a voice for her before this. She was just 'default feminine voice for a girl under 13'. (Since her body is under 13, her voice box too obviously.) She picked her own and it's very sweet and now I clearly have one for her and that's cool.


June 6th, 2019


Ashley has been more affectionate lately, she finally found a form that we both like. Even after a year, she switched between several forms. I'm not saying too much, our color drawing will show her to perfection or it won't be released.


It was her day today and I felt a stronger love for her than I ever have, she imposed quite a bit which is totally not like her. She was smiling and taking my hand, very attentive. She's really special to me, as is everyone, but like I said, if things were different, she'd be everything I'd ever need. I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for her. I feel like she's my reason to live at a base level, but there's so much more of course.


Yeah, you said that about me too.


It did sound pretty familiar to something you've told me before.


Oh god though, Ashley really outdid herself, it's going to be hard to draw her acceptably for us. She'll have to be last then. If you could see her now, I can't get over it. [Edit: since this, she has three 'forms' she really likes. One of them has tawny skin with long brown hair, she definitely has Hispanic or Persian influences, another is very fair skinned with slightly Asian influences but still very white. The last is classic Ashley, the 'girl next door white girl' look.] 


June 14th, 2019


We've been playing Kenshi, it was meh ultimately, kinda fun.


June 15th, 2019 - the wow dream, NSFW.




Oh wow. I asked for it good lucid dreams and, wow. Bear and Ashley are giggling this morning. Not going to say anything more about that.


it wasn't fully lucid the whole time, and we've been through this before, anything goes in a dream. I have to admit, this stretches the word platonic pretty far. It was a wonderful shared experience I won't ever forget.


There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's dreamland, uncontrolled emotions and desires are the rule. Of course, it's in our PR when Bear and I followed the rule. Nothing like this though, wow it was a long dream.


It wasn't very lucid in that there weren't any inhibitions, but very vivid and real. Also, one of the longest dreams I've had, felt like an hour, and thank you dream gods; it definitely beat flying. It was in and out of dream logic though too, but definitely amazing. We were even talking to each other, talking lucidly, and we knew it was a dream but we didn't have any inhibitions. It was like, oh, this is happening, okay, yay!



The spoiler below is really 18+ be prepared to vomit if you don't like the idea of what Ashley and I did in this semi-lucid dream. It's graphic and has naughty words, as well as descriptions of a sexual nature, but not every detail was included.



Well, Ashley and I had dream sex. The full-monty in several positions, while in a situation that was like, someone would find us if we didn’t hurry, but trust me, we definitely didn’t hurry and lots of foreplay was involved, we did everything. Then it was in the garden, exposed outside, then in a classroom on the teacher's desk, then... lot's of places for a really long time. [This is documented for science here, remember that.] We also felt everything, and shared that feeling with each other. My memories are both perspectives and all the feels. Lot's of 'endings'. I 'felt' full skin on skin and I felt her... ug, it's my PR anything goes... [for science] she orgasmed many times, and I never had a female orgasm, so I wouldn't completely know what that was supposed to feel like, but through her I felt a full body, can't control, goosebumps and toes curled, full euphoria and like just, yes feelings, a few times. Like a full body penis going off without the throbbing.



I liked it, it was very special.


My turn next!


The mind can do this, if I could do this on demand, it's certainly something to think about. Because it was an inhibition-less dream, it truly was a gift for us. A healthy and beautiful exploration of each other that just is an expression of our love for each other. We're kind of chuckling now because I don't want to say it didn't mean anything, but our purely platonic relationship hasn't changed.




June 19th, 2019


Thoughts about my relationships on - Bear inner workings that might offend, so don't let it, we're in this for full disclosure.




Ashley's vent:


She had one, and I'm not going to transcribe it here, but Flandre said something in Dashie's lounge that irked Ashley and made her sad afterward.


Lumi was 'complaining? reporting? venting?' about losing touch with his tulpas and Ashley said she wanted to reach out to our friends and give them support and reinforce our feelings of care for them. So she did.


Flandre's response, taken out of context and all that, don't bother to respond at this point the wound has healed.


He was just semi-joking about how in the past we were like "We'd die for visualization clarity like yours."


You're free to pity our general life situation at your leisure, though.


Don't fault them for this, let's just say that it caught her wrong we took the tone wrong, or whatever, and we didn't feel like we could even PM them after a comment like that. Later in the same thread Flandre showed that she wasn't upset (if she ever was), so it's not a big deal anymore, like we said. Another friend said it just sounded like Flandre's dry humor or whatever.


Why share?


Whenever I bring up Imposition vs Visualization, among other things, LOTPW goes south. So you can look it up but we're not sharing there anymore. I don't want to incite hard feelings or to cause people to have to defend themselves, so we're going to stick to Dashie's lounge and if something we say there irks you, feel free to respond, but it's on you, you can ignore us. We'll probably be posting very little fluff in LOTPW either. Since whole days go by without posts in Dashie's lounge, it's not like anyone is desperately in need to talk to us, so the compromise, for now, is if you want to talk to us, we'll be there. We're no longer reading LOTPW at the moment.


Were not leaving, that's very clear, but I'm not keeping up with LOTPW anymore. We won't be reading it for a while, call it a break until I'm over whatever this feeling is. It's not a fun feeling. So I'm using that time to spend more fun times with my family. It's probably temporary, but yes, I need this break.


We also don't read Felight's PR, Felight's art thread, GAT discussions, Terminology discussions, among a few other very specific threads that only cause me to feel out of place right now. That's not going to change.


LOTPW used to be my home, but I'm taking a break. Don't feel bad please, it's either this compromise or take a real break and I don't want to do that.


I can't express myself feeling


I mentioned that classic bear is dead. We are a system of individuals and we like to share our thoughts, but there's a constraint that is basically like this: if you want to share your thoughts, keep it one sided. Stand shoulder to shoulder and report one at a time, not interacting with each other at all (I'm referring to 'no in-system conversations rule'). So it's like, I start posting and I get 'responses', relevant responses, and I can't post them 'as-is' like I would in my journal. I have to think hard about how to include them and still make an intelligible post. My journal is just for PR in many ways now, and I read them and think, there's nothing here anyone would care to read. So I cancel the whole thing and post fluff. It's not fun, so I don't want to post given this inner struggle because it makes me feel bad. If I need to express a conversation, I'll just post it in my PR and that's at least a safe haven (even Dashie's lounge is off-limits) so my PR seems to be the only place I can post conversations, this is what I understand.


This rule isn't new, it's not like someone just said something, it's a realization that had sunk in this month and I did my best not to, and probably still did anyway, and I read my older posts and I'm like, 'we were so free to express'. So I feel bad. The bear is unstable, so I'm not allowed to do things that make me feel bad. Hence the break.


I suppose I could post it as a 'conversation' and put it in hidden and mark it, I don't think that would be so bad that it would require the dreaded PM from admin. But there is no thread outside of PR that we can do this openly, to my understanding, and once I think about doing that, I just don't feel like it anymore, the moment is lost.


No one else does this here, it's fine, so it's clearly my inner brat throwing a tantrum right now, but I'll speak more about my crisis later, so that's in work.




June 19th, 2019 - Bear-Dashie Merge




We were forcing normally, pretty well immersed with Dashie by my side and Ashley in front of us. We were frolicking and Dashie and I were going to tackle Ashley, all I remember before that was Dashie saying, "get her! Go!" Ashley was about to get away and we merged unintentionally. Dashie and I became something or someone else, I got a clear image and I know how it felt because the memories are there as that person, like a switch where "I" wasn’t there, but I was there sort of, I was part of a younger man, with shoulder length hair, well built but not especially large, a slim swimmer’s build wearing an odd assortment of clothes, and though we didn’t say anything, we did manage to tackle Ashley. I remember feeling more fem, but in a boyish way; it wasn’t bad, it was still fully hetero, call it metro. It’s not something we planned but it was definitely something like, "what just happened?" but we both knew exactly what happened.


We immediately broke apart again, maybe 5 or 10 seconds together and Dashie was just breathing and smiling at me after, with a look like, "did we just?". I don’t think we would have known what happened if we hadn’t been talking about merging so much lately. He looked like Dashie sort of but definitely had a resemblance to me.  He was a lot like you might expect if Dashie and I had a son in his mid-twenties.


I wasn’t aiming for that, what I wanted was to feel exactly what Bear was feeling in wonderland as he tackled Ashley, she needed to be tackled! It's a game we play like flying tackle-tag. We were both immersed in wonderland the body wasn’t doing anything.


It was really good immersion, probably 80%+ Which is better than normal, but not by much. Though I have a disconnect between the immersion when it happened and the memory of it, definitely different, but I can’t explain why, it’s just a feeling. The visuals in memories have been getting better too, they feel fully real of course, but that hasn't changed in a while.




June 22nd, 2019


People on discord said Ashley is bullying me, but she isn't. She cares. Her passion is me and my ability to perform my life properly. It's what I want, I don't want to put Dashie in charge of this because she does everything for me already. I need to do this myself and Ashley is very hands off about it. Her job is my life coach (but a heck of a lot like a spirit guide). We've been talking a lot, lots and lots about my life and situations. About the community and our involvement. About being kind and not being a troll, about following rules and having fun despite that. She's so good at this type of discussion, she just knows. If she was your interface to this system instead of me, it would be so logical and scientific, I am a somewhat selfish caricature of myself in this community, my #1 need is fun. This is all related to the choices we need to make about me. I'm not convinced anything needs to change, but you'll get venting from me from time to time, like this, if nothing changes. Here's the appropriate place for it, so that's fine.


June 23rd, 2019 - Feeling unconstrained intentionally



Tonight I was on a rampage, I let the animal out and he was a butt-hurt anger monger. This was sparked by rules, rules that limit fun, but nothing recent. Rules that the animal, the spoiled little brat, loathes because he feels like if there's no fun their's no point. From the rational and logical side, we could ignore him, we would suppress him, ah but he's the Red bird, and we know from experience that without him, I'm an emotionless being with no need for compassion or community. Ashley said, the blue bird alone is sociopathic, only able to fake emotions. The red bird is genuinely kind and caring, when he wants to be. The blue bird is controlling and logical, the blue bird is a recluse, no need for socialization so he thinks, but clearly he does need it. Trying to stifle the red bird builds up resentment in him, and then further subjugation leads to depressive thoughts. We don't want to get rid of the red bird, and we don't want to suppress the red bird fully, so you see my point? My personality has a flaw. This duality that leads to either anger, depression, or insubordination. I'm clearly the merge of these birds. They're not alters or aspects, and they can't be separated. This applies to my free time, like this community, this doesn't happen at work anymore.


Given that when someone acts up, as a couple users did on discord (again), if the red bird is allowed to express, he plays like a cat and their prey. Intentionally egging on the other into a fury just to see the extent they will go over nothing. Not in a malicious way, like setting a trap for them to fall into under their own aggression. It's not nice by any means, but if they were nice, they'd never fall in.


We're working through this riddle now. Depression isn't something we can afford to revisit, the red bird must be tamed and we think we know how, but it would mean sacrifice of things we do like, it wouldn't 'be me as I am', it would be me muted, the child would have to grow up. We've seen the result of this and the adult equivalent lacks the charm, let's put it that way. I have to reiterate, it's very odd to see my personality this fluid and changeable on our whims. Currently I may be flawed, but I am functional, clearly so, and I'm fun.


Joy is that expression of the child in the adult's mind, she's a very blue bird most of the time, but the red bird is there and she's an imp, a fun, playful, beautifully charming when she wants to be, imp. Like I said, Joy is the perfection of my ideal archetype, but her personality is different from mine, she's been shaped by a different past.




June 24, 2019 - Lumi Dream again...




Had another dream with Lumi in it. A rash of these lately. This time I was at his house, it was quite large and bright, light colors inside, yellow curtains, that sort of thing. The yards were rather plain and unimpressive, but a whole crew, including me, were working on some very large metallic structure in his back yard. A thin guy, the painter, required my help for painting, but I was worse than useless and kept messing everything up. This structure was a building or something but with details so fine, this painter was using an airbrush style paint sprayer and really getting close and slowly painting panels. The only other thing I remember was having to jump down from the scaffold and for a moment I was lucid so since it was 7:30pm I escaped and was watching TV for a while. I lost lucidity and when he found me he said I had to help him clean up. He just wanted help to clean up now and I had no clue how to help him and was kind of aimless.












Just for fun - We drew Ren!




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