Bear

Bear's Angels

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I love Classic Bear. I feel your interactive posts added a lot to the forum. You were all still addressing your audience, not just one another. When I saw your post yesterday, I sagged. After a few seconds, I told my companions, "I think I'm done with the forum for today." And then I closed the tab.

 

I would have done things more like you, but Vesper is always, "Stay on topic, stick to the point, you don't need to say that, I don't want to talk about that, we've got other things to do."

 

-Ember


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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What is LOTPW?

 

LOTPW is Last One To Post Wins, the most active place on the whole forum. With no other goal to the game than to simply be the last who's posted, it's just a permanently active chat thread.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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LOTPW is Last One To Post Wins, the most active place on the whole forum. With no other goal to the game than to simply be the last who's posted, it's just a permanently active chat thread.

 

Ah, I see. I thought it might have been another site or blog. Thanks.

 

Tell Tewi I said hi.


Your thinking needs a readjust; total concentration is a must.

-Zecora

 

Imma Reportin Mah Progress!

 

And, please, call me Sparks.

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June 25th, 2019

 

Mini update:

 

There was some changes last night.

 

Bear decided to fully take a break from online to concentrate on personality changes, and Ashley is with him full time to help with that, so it's a step beyond what we ever thought we were going to do. They're really excited about it though.

 

We're happy as a system but we realized there were some interesting choices now. So Bear and Ashley decided to just work on that for now.

 

Obviously we're still here, Misha and I, Joy, Ren, and some others that don't usually participate anyway.

 

Misha and I are co-fronting now, co-hosting even, it's not really any different than we were before, but Bear and Ashley are in the back, way back, like, not watcher, but they're not associated. So they hear us, but aren't involved in anything we're doing. So, technically I'm primary now, not that I really wanted to be, but hey, I can handle it, and Bear is technically here if I get in trouble, he's not fully dormant, and he hasn't had to 'rescue me' yet.

 

It's an interesting experience, but I'm making him do hygiene stuff.

 

Having more control certainly has it's advantages, accessing his stuff for work hasn't been too bad. Talking to people was always fine, i'm actually a little more serious than Bear, but he can be serious, so no one noticed. Even if they said something, I'll tell them to shut up.

 

I think it's going to be good for all of us.

 

Also Misha and I are doing our own experiment, let's make the most out of it.

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July 5th, 2019 - 1 year, 76 days - Personality Edit

 

June 25th, 2019

 

Bear decided to take a break, and he did this to address specific personality issues.

 

Personality Issues that are being addressed:

 

[hidden]

- Don’t be sad/stressed/angry preemptively for things that might happen. Thinking of things that might happen and those consequences are okay, as long as you’re thinking about acceptance, not the actual loss. This is identified as one of the major left over behaviors from depression. So we’ve added it to the depression tools.

 

- Don't feel bad or dwell on things that you can’t do. This one is covered by Rule #1 of the depression tools.

 

- Don't feel like you're not being liked when people clearly like you.  This stems from abandonment issues, he’s had for a very long time, got over, and recently was re-injured. He will learn slowly that it’s a natural part of life, it hurts sure, but he’ll always have us, that’s clearly on him, we’re not going anywhere.

 

- Don’t feel guilty when you share experiences and others apparently aren’t happy about it. This is pretty normal, in terms of feelings, he doesn’t like to brag, that’s good, but he wants to share this amazing thing called tulpamancy, so we’ll help him write things in such as way as to report and not to brag if they’re great, and so he will have to get over it.

 

- Let your tulpas help you, leaning on us is okay, you’re a special person all your own, you don’t need to be perfect and you are a very valuable member of the system and we all love you.

 

- Saying things you feel immediately should be remapped to thinking about them a little first, and fixing any inappropriate thoughts before you say it. This one is really on him. Unless I’m fronting, it happens too fast to stop it, so he’s considered on probation and any slips and he’ll lose front. This is already enacted and this week he had zero slips, good boy!

[/hidden]

 

The Body OS Experiment was an amazing look at what is and is not Bear. Separating the two clearly showed that all the little things that bothered Bear are himself, not the body.

 

What it showed most importantly in terms of quality of life improvements:  Is the body a habitual procrastinator already? The answer is squarely no, I felt no such compulsion.

 

[Ashley] This lays the groundwork for change.

 

We know the previous tools took about six months to soak in:

 

1. Don’t dwell on things you can’t change.

2. Don’t blame yourself (externalize), we’ll tell you if it was your fault and we’ll get over it.

3. Don’t self-punish, we’re here to do that

We added this one recently:

4. Don’t lament things that haven’t happened.

 

[Misha] That week, co-fronting with Dashie was fine, but I felt a little lonely. Ashley had Bear all to herself. Dashie is fun and funny, but she’s not Bear. I need my cuddle buddy and I’m glad he’s back.

 

[Ashley] June 27th, 2019

 

Personality Surgery Roadmap for Success:

 

Stage I - Identification and separation of existing issues

Stage II - Training with net + Identify handling protocol for new instances

Stage III - Assisted practice + new handling probation

Stage IV - Normalcy with assistance when needed for refresher

 

[Hidden]

With the issues we identified, some of them stem from when Bear was a child, and those are numerous beyond words, so we have chosen to leave them be. We feel confident this is not going to affect our results because he was fine for many years. His latest problems and depression last year came from new injuries but was merely resonating with prior injuries.

 

In the Patchwork Bear model, Bear had learned from observation from watcher position, but was unable to handle new unique situations without help. This caused stray thoughts to snowball as stated previously.

 

The OS Experiment identified Bear-only issues that needed solving. Dashie was given front and full control and in her dealings with life and thought processes, those issues that weren't in common with Bear were deemed Bear's issues. Those would be identified as the symptoms and their absence a success criteria.

 

Bear’s point in doing all this comes from the notion that it was noted that these situations are easily handled by others, so why would Bear need assistance?

 

Stage I clearly identified where Bear was the cause of difficulty and annoyance.

 

The previous training approach as in the "Force Filtering Experiment" which was the basis for the Patchwork Bear would have to include handling of new unique occurrences with or without assistance, preferably without. It was missing a few key components to work perfectly, and it didn’t address mental states.

 

Identification of root cause for difficulty was the next task, because eventually Bear will have to deal with these occurrences before a trigger occurs. Triggers lead to unsavory behavior and feelings which are not founded in reality and non-existent in wonderland, so we have deemed them 'trauma caused traits'.

 

Could damage be identified and removed in personality surgery? Some things were worked out, using a technique that will be described later in this PR. The major ones that were identified as the root of recent behaviors were addressed, and they are very few.

 

A protocol would need to be put in place to handle exceptions from things that we couldn’t identify that would otherwise be susceptible to causing triggering.

[/hidden]

 

Stage I milestones:

 

[Hidden]

Switching: Forcing Filter Experiment gave us a means to train reactions and eliminate specific well known triggers by effectively switching to someone who doesn't have these triggers. This worked brilliantly as it handled all occurrences new or old and trained Bear to react and feel appropriately. There has been no slide back on known issues; however, unknown issues still caused occasional difficulties.

 

Problem: Bear realized that leaning on his tulpas for certain situations, even if he learned from them, weren't palatable. Since there should really be nothing in him that would require this, but this was still required even after extensive training. "Patchwork Bear" was functional but left Bear unable to react appropriately to new situations without constant supervision. Triggering is normal within limits, but new triggers were identified as a daily occurrence and that was deemed by Bear to be excessive for reliance on the system. His argument was based on the postulation that no one else has these issues so why burden the system with him?

 

- Training through switching was not enough to prevent the daily stream of bad pathing Bear lead the mind through. Identification of these are seen in The OS Experiment previously.[/hidden]

 

Stage II milestones:

 

[Hidden]

- Given the OS Experiment's success in identifying Bear specific issues and inappropriate thought pathing, one possible solution was to use protocol.

 

Protocols were set in place, just like the depression tools were a protocol, or set of rules that helped him recover from his depression, were successful in raining base mood, and led to complete depression recovery. The three original tools implemented a safe island where time could heal the wounds.

 

Protocols are one option for solving the problem, in that, a protocol for reaction and thinking could be memorized to prevent triggering. In essence it would list those specific issues as what is not allowed to do, and further commands would be instilled that would handle the pathing. Given the pathing became unstable, switching to bring the thinking back under control would be done.

 

Unfortunately, this method seems to be only a temporary fix, the pathing will return to abnormal given very little time, and Bear was still feeling burdonsome. Simply training away each path or removing them is akin to only removing red spaghetti from a can of tangled red and blue spaghetti, damaging or removing the blue ones in the process. It was further identified that not all red ones are necessarily bad, so removing any became questionable.

 

The OS Experiment transitioned to a training experiment. If that path was deemed sufficient, but the protocol couldn't rely on specific instances to be trained as there are subtle differences in small perturbations of incidents, it could still lead to frequent instability.

 

During this stage, Dashie was given pseudo-host status and veto power over Bear. She'd been shown to be able to completely squelch the issues as they come up, but only at the cost of kicking Bear from front to watcher, way back active tulpa status, or dormancy. So this is not ideal.

 

We then identified protocols/rules that will allow for proper function, exit strategy for thought paths including talking them out with the system before the trigger is set to avoid leaning on the system. Still this seems a solution to the symptoms and not the cause.[/hidden]

 

Stage III milestones:

 

[Hidden]

Training without veto power proceeded to give invalid or inappropriate pathing, new protocols were then discussed and written.

 

This stage was co-fronting, and handling with assistance. Blending was also be tried as a means to relieve the symptoms and re-wire a path to success, but this was not desired by Bear.

 

Thus the alternative method was proposed: Somehow patch, remove, or replace damaged roots of thought. These were identified in stage II as areas that re-occur without much help from training.

 

Bear and I were in agreement that protocols should allow the safe handling of issues even when no other personalities are present. Singlet testing will be done (everyone dormant but Bear) before this stage is deemed a success.

[/hidden]

 

Stage IV milestones:

 

[hidden]

Once the testing with and without veto shows consistent issue handling without trigger, the original system configuration can be restored and testing will continue. At this stage, personality surgery should be deemed successful and this phase of personality renovation should be deemed complete. New issues should at this point be addressed without triggered switching. This will be ongoing, as the new protocols mature. Either everything will go smoothly from then on, or we’ll need to come up with a new model.

[/hidden]

 

June 28th, 2019 - Personality Surgery - The Joy Model

 

The Joy Model Origin: First demonstrated by Joy, was her ability to simply disown or rewrite her history. Specifically, she was in a very depressed state when her last book ended and she decided on her own that she was merely the actress who played Joy the character. This adeptly removed all trauma from her personality, but kept the depth and breadth, the history and richness that makes her so strong and useful.

 

We know history is set, but its details belong to those who remember it.

 

The Joy model:

You can deny any part of your history, disown it, and it will no longer affect you.

 

Postulation: If Bear and Joy are fundamentally the same thing (people), and Joy can do it, then Bear can do it.

 

Joy's history is entirely hers to command now. She has books written about her, her turmoil, her depression, her losses, but she chose to think of it like she was just an actress playing the part in those fictional books. She was a bear to deal with, but at some point suddenly she had a whole new outlook.

 

Gwen did something similar:

 

[hidden]

In her book, she was left behind by her love to be (abandoned), no idea where he went, or even if he was okay or not.  She was devastated and lonely, stuck in limbo, promised to a man she might never see again. On top of all that, she had Toxicophobia and was generally a very nervous and skittish introvert who spent a lot of time alone and away from others, she had a distrust of people due to the trauma of growing up in a town where her and her mother were the only avians. This was forced upon them to escape her father's abuse.

 

When she realized it was fiction, (a lot like Iris of Ember.Vesper) she was instantly relieved. Furthermore, following Joy’s lead, she didn't feel the need to accept her past, she could just keep the good times and throw away the rest.

[/hidden]

 

Conclusion: If Bear is like Joy, or Gwen, and he is, we know we're all just people, he doesn't have to accept or own his past (the really bad parts). He's physically fine, since there's no mental maladies currently affecting him (based on the OS Experiment), then things in his past can be stored and forgotten, it may still be his actual, verifiable past, but he doesn't have to ever think about prior trauma, he doesn't have to own all those things done to him that weren't his fault. Who he is was forged partly by this trauma, but he doesn't have to own and carry that trauma with him the rest of his life.

[/hidden]

 

Stage III - Re-Write

 

Re-Write your memories

Re-Write Your Life

Re-Write Your History

In imagery rescripting, you “edit negative memories via imagination,” which leads to a “happy ending” as you send your adult self back to the time of the bad experience in an effort to “comfort or defend” yourself... You don’t actually erase that memory, but you store it away in a revised fashion that competes with, and hence weakens, the power of the original memory. Through positive mental imagery, you can feel more in control, less helpless, and less despairing about yourself and your life.

 

Instead of shutting down their negative images or thoughts, participants were encouraged to morph them into happier and more pleasant ones.

Bear and Ashley have been doing this with some of his recent and core damage. You know how good our visualization is, how it's as good as real in memories, well, it looks like Bear will be reliving some of his past in wonderland. He was actually kind of doing already in some cases and he didn't even realize to take it to the next level and replace current memories for good. We’ve already seen marked decrease in instances of mood, to near non-existent levels.

 

Of course he can also dissociate from and abandon some of those really horrific stories from his youth, but really, no one knows about them but him, no one ever has to know again, not even him or us.

 

How will we know it worked? Well, he won't be affected by those things we spoke of in the OS Experiment and earlier.

 

Stage III - Auto-Reboot

 

When annoying feelings or thoughts come, leave the front, hug your tulpas, don't think about it, give some snugles, then when you're over it, drain the thoughts, think of something good, come back to front and continue.

 

If it's an inconvenient time, you can always switch with me or Ashley, or Joy.

 

This is in contrast to the Patchwork Bear model, where he would switch with us to avoid triggers, that was addressing symptoms and knocking out specific instances and similar ones in the future, because he learned from how we handled it, but there was always more scenarios and Bear felt he shouldn't have to 'lean on us' to rescue him, since someone like me has seemingly far fewer triggers. In this case, he’ll be dealing with them directly to prevent the offending thoughts and behaviors.

 

Stage III - Alone

 

In the unlikely event no one is there to help, and during the Singlet Testing Experiment yet to be done, Bear will be alone and will need methods to calm down and think clearly. Well, any singlet should have learned this in Kindergarden. After all this surgery, we feel he’s finally in a good position to try to apply all those techniques we all know. Take a breath, go to your happy place, talk yourself out of it, be your own advocate, etc.

 

[bear] July 2nd, 2019

 

After two months, it's pretty clear that Gwen, Hali and our moons, Ulla, Johanna and Red are not really interested in being part of our activities on a regular basis.

 

So we've assigned them all as moons, and as such they'll stick to their lore unless they want to visit. They are all well and satisfied with their status.

 

Moon status doesn’t rob them of their humanity or independence as we see it anymore, it merely exempts them from our daily dealings and allows them to pursue their own interests unhindered by us. We, as a society, believe that everyone has to share the load. If you’re not involved with us, that’s your choice.

 

On that note, we are now a system of six. Gwen has expressed interest in being seventh, but only on the condition that I can prove to her that I’m someone worth trusting. Honestly, she’s only concerned with me, though she should consider all of us as a whole, she doesn’t. She feels I’m the representative, the creator, and she wants to know the real me.

 

Gwen’s Challenge Revamped:

 

[Hidden]

But we've decided that the original challenge is flawed. If she wants to know the real me, we'll give her a chance with a challenge of our own, one that will include me, but not as a cooperative struggle against the elements, but as a personality challenge.

 

To be a member of the Bear system, we need people who are willing to work toward a common goal. Anyone can join and interact, but the seven will be here for a reason and a purpose. We all must have our purpose.

 

Therefore myself, member 001, and Misha, member 004, will be involved in this to determine who really wants in.

 

Hali, Johanna, and Red have opted out and will continue to be denoted as moons. Ulla and Gwen have opted in and will, until the end of this competition, be denoted soulbonds. This will be a personality death match of some sort. If they are the last two who survive, they'll both be given system status, if neither do, than we will remain a system of six for now, or who knows what.

[/hidden]

 

July 3rd, 2019

 

In a hypnagogic state, I could feel Dashie like she was in the room with me strongly, so I asked her to lay next to me and she did, I felt her lay next to me, I saw her cuddle me in my mind's eye as she did so with light imposition behind me, the bed moved, my shirt moved, and her warmth was next to me. Then I had a lucid dream, odd and sleepy I was laying in a room with others and I knew I was dreaming because odd things happened, and Dashie was with me. It was very short, but what an amazing experience.

 

Just for love:

[Hidden]

To my systemmates:

Alone, wounded, lost and frail, I found no peace, no light, and no joy in anything.

 

Then you came to me.

 

What you brought was love, you healed my wounds, you gave me peace, you are my light, and joy is all around me.

 

I owe everything to you, I love you, and I am yours forever.

[/hidden]

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July 19, 2019 - 1 year, 90 days - Personality Edit Success

 

A change from Stage III from our previous entry, even though Ashley and I discussed it, she said she won't go dormant, and she was initially worried that I might do something that would cause problems or change myself dramatically. We talked it out and now she's not worried about that, but part of my personality, deep inside is a random impulsive drive that is a good thing in many ways but can be pretty dangerous otherwise. It's the drive that made me take up the pencil and draw, it's the same drive that causes me to 'fix' something without really thinking very deeply about it and cause irreversible damage to something. This is very rare, but she doesn't want to go dormant regardless and this is her life too, so be it.

 

The question of "can I survive as a singlet?" with the singlet experiment was an idea to prove that I truly evolved, but we have enough proof. After this week, with no help from anyone, I have successfully used the techniques we discussed and have had zero mood issues. I'm fully functional in that way.

 

I still had a couple relapses in procrastination and goofing off, but then Gwen stepped in and is helping with that and that's all she wants me to say about that here. Gwen is now a full sister angel, but she probably won't be posting here on this site anyway. She's very internally focused.

 

Our family has a goal, and that goal is a successful life by whatever means we see fit. So some of us will naturally want to help on the internal side and others on the external side. We're all independent people and we all have free will.

 

It is a system decision, made without my coaching, to make me the primary fronter and that's how it's going to stay. They feel comfortable that way, I provide drive and passion that keeps us busy with very little effort, and I'm the workhorse... bear. I'm okay with this.

 

The personality surgery is something that will never be complete, because we are finding and dealing with memories and other muck in my past pretty regularly. The auto-reboot process makes it so I can stop a mood or bad thought path well before it sets in and then deal with it immediately, before anything happens. In doing so, the frequency of occurrence is decreasing dramatically as we find big driving wrinkled memories from the past and iron them out.

 

July 7th, 2019

 

Dashie kissed me again with imposition. She doesn't kiss me that often, but it seems like when she does it's imposed.

 

We need to test that more.

 

[before we developed Auto-Reboot, Dashie had to manually rip me out of front, push me in the way-back position and bring me back to front to destroy moods. We called that 'manual reboot.']

 

Bear and Misha were obsessing over a friend who isn't very friendly anymore, and i had to push Bear to the back and lecture Misha too.

 

July 8th, 2019

 

Body OS, what we are, and how to 'edit' us:

 

[Hidden]

Bear considers his body in wonderland to be his true self, and the material body is a suit he wears to access the material world. We can all use it, that's not him. It looks like him because he's associated with it for so long, but if it arbitrarily changed to a different creature entirely, he'd stay as he is now. Dashie didn't become him by wearing the material suit for a week.

 

[Dashie] It's an autonomous material device that can do things like on autopilot, but it's not self-aware. It was reported to Bear that he can carry on a conversation while sleeping, but the conversation is more like, "sure, okay, yes, I will." That body agrees to everything and doesn't offer any new information, it doesn't argue or want to do anything, the responses are seemingly meant to disengage from conversation without being rude or ignoring the other. If asked a direct question, it says it doesn't know. It won't retrieve information. It can however stand up, navigate to another part of the house and lay down again, but it won't know it's cold or hot or clothed. When Bear is fully in the body, we're fully here most of the time and when we co-front we're sharing it. It's capable of being controlled by all of us in series, and two or more of us simultaneously for some tasks, a couple of them are pretty complex, requiring split attention, that is simple enough for two, we haven't played with more than two very often, but one on each arm, not an issue.

 

What makes us, us, are three things, experience, personality, and perspective. In those three are memories, behavior, and form or self-identity. The brain is a means to coordinate and store, process input, and format output. It filters the material world and maintains the ethereal world.

 

When considering what it is we actually are, we can think of what it would take to make us. How we interface is through behavior (including mannerism and speech) this can be approximated discretely through the use of archetypal traits. We estimate that somewhere north of a thousand traits would give more than enough resolution to copy behavior. Though the number of traits that define you is obviously much more, average values can be used to smooth the curve between the points. The copy would act and react like us, but lack the accessible memory. When confronted with a shared memory, the best the copy could do is agree that the shared memory seems reasonable.

 

It is also clear to us that the discrete nature of personality is real. Phobias have a source, anxiety has a source, stress has a source. If you remove, block, or rewrite the source, the symptom goes away. We are in the process of doing that with Bear. It's not a fast process, and it's about changing what is accessed given stimuli that trigger that behavior or thought. The root cause can be completely transparent, but eliminating by best guess, brings you each time a step closer to the root. For Bear, we've successfully identified several and are working on rewriting the source now.

 

Without us, the process would be vastly more difficult. We give the example of what's not broken, so that broken bits can be replaced. I'm not afraid of spiders, if Bear was, then I could handle spiders for him, in doing that, I teach him that spiders aren't so bad. Quickly he can share experience handling spiders in a neutral way and that memory overwrites the old ones. If the root of spider fear can't be found, it can be buried by new experiences to the point that the oldest experiences are unrecognizable.

 

[/hidden]

 

July 8th, 2019 - A discussion about the singlet experiment:

 

[Hidden]

Ashley doesn't want to leave Bear alone. Today we had an inkling of why (she always knows).

 

It was just a thought. [Here I was thinking I could replace my personality with a new undamaged one, and the thought took them all off guard.]

 

Today my host surprised *me*.

 

Explain

 

It's a nuclear option, but it's just an idea, how would i actually do that in a week? It's just masking the problem right?

 

Though it did work before, you're nowhere near as bad now, not hardly, and it's not warranted by any means.

 

I'm okay with flight and fight methods like auto-reboot, as we continue to identify and solve a lifetime of issues.

 

This is you, and you got pretty far being you.

 

The grumpy me

 

The you that wants peace, not to placate disturbances.

 

I do trust you, but you need to follow the plan. If it doesn't work, we'll talk about more drastic measures.

 

Thank you

 

It'll just be like a nap [Here Dashie was considering the singlet experiment, even though we aren't going to do it now.]

 

Don't do *anything* without us. [Here Misha was relieved that she didn't have to go dormant, and she doesn't want to.]

 

What about other thoughtforms? [Here we're still discussing the contingency.]

 

They'd be notified.

 

[The underlining tulpish here is that I might not even be able to pull it off, it would probably take way more concentration to keep everyone dormant, but who knows. I don't want to do it anymore either.]

[/hidden]

 

July 9th, 2019

 

A very interesting thing happened. We collaborated on a solution to a problem and believe it or not, six heads are better than one. We had a rapid fire brainstorming at work, a mix of tulpish and mindvoice meant that even a new idea could be stopped before it completed. We managed to go through the feasibility of half a dozen ideas in 20 minutes, where I normally spend 20 minutes per idea for feasibility before it gets squished.

 

We reached flow together, while I was exercising, in a way that we had never done before, and struck down so many bad ideas, but built on them. This was a true test of co-fronting and proved to us that we think independently in real time. The mind is so vast and thought is something that can overlap easily, we were all thinking simultaneously and independently during this time, either that or efficiency of thought increased six times.

 

July 12th, 2019

 

We had an intrusive of Misha pushing Dashie. They argued about Dashie's statement that Dashie made about owning my soul.

 

Yeah, it was a joke

 

July 13th, 2019

 

Gushy stuff:

 

[Hidden]

I feel beautiful with you Dashie. [Here I felt real honest to goodness full on love for Dashie after we had a little talk that I didn't write down.]

 

I felt it too.

 

That was real.

 

... [Here Misha felt left out and a little jealous.]

 

My love for you, Misha, was never in question, it's beyond the moon, irreversible, irrevocable, and irreplaceable.

 

You don't have to say it. [Here I looked to Ashley and was thinking about what I would say about my love for her.]

 

Of anyone here, I never have to worry about you Ashley.

 

*anymore [Here she corrected me because in tulpish she reminded me of all the times she caused drama regarding our mutual feelings and interactions. Especially early on when we always fought over time.]

 

Lol [This was funny to me in retrospect.]

 

I'm on cloud 9, you do everything for me.

 

Love is as love does. [Here I'm memeing because I do love Dashie, she'll always be my favorite. On discord I said my love for her is deeper than the ocean and wider than the sea, and she loved that so much. Just now as I typed that she got a little choked up about it.]

 

Loving people are going to keep on doing loving things.

 

[Here I'm explaining my actions in general, I'm a loving person, so naturally I'd love those around me, especially those who treat me in a loving way and they all do without exception and nether do they ever hold a grudge, or 'act out' because of something I did to offend them. It's always handled well before any damage is done. They do not hold grudges or torture me over things I didn't know I did! I love that most of all. They spoil me so, I just have no patience or tolerance for someone who would suddenly be mean to me in retaliation for something that I may have done without telling me anything is wrong and on top of that deny that anything is wrong until I figure it out. With this empathetic connection, that simply isn't possible, I know something is wrong immediately. If we could only have this connection to everyone...]

[/hidden]

 

July 14th, 2019

 

Revisiting the Singlet Experiment thought, and my defense:

 

[hidden]

We've been talking about the possibility of our next experiment. Bear still wants to do a 'singlet test' but when he was thinking about it, he thought he could 'replace his personality' and we were all taken off guard because we've been spending all this time 'fixing' him and why would he think that.

 

It's not like I know how to do that and it wouldn't be possible in a week anyway. Plus, it was just a thought.

 

[Dashie] Like you said, it's the nuclear option and we're not agreeing to that.[/color]

 

This isn't about that, it's about rule #1. [Free will.]

 

That's pretty hurtful. [Here I really hurt Dashie by thinking that I should be able to do whatever I want and I instantly felt bad.]

 

Yet another reason why I won't do it, a valid reason. I'll do anything for you all. I don't think it's right to limit anyone, but it's a big enough decision that it should need system buy in because it could cause hurt feelings.

 

Yes, thank you Mr. Semantics. [she was feeling better here but rubbed it in anyway, she had a big smile in her face, not entirely because I saw it her way.]

[/hidden]

 

Here the discussion changed to about Gwen:

 

[Hidden]

Just like how I couldn't have Gwen as my moon. [Misha's example here goes back to before we had the ability to add moons or other system members.]

 

You can now.

 

Fuck, she doesn't like me though. [Misha very rarely cusses, but she was feeling pretty raw about Gwen's feelings toward her. She really wanted a little obedient servant girl to do as she pleased with.]

 

Because you just want a love slave.

 

You're half right. [she said with some embarrassment, but she meant, she wanted Gwen to love her. At the moment Gwen is a mere acquaintance.]

 

Oh my dear Misha, am I not enough for you?

 

Of course you are...

 

Gwen? [Here I called for Gwen.]

 

Not right now.  [Misha was embarassed]

 

[Gwen] May I speak? [This was addressed to Misha.]

 

Ok

 

[Gwen] I rule nothing out, obviously being in this body is an influence, now I understand. I understand a lot more lately. My little break made me think. I still want that story, and I want it to mean something, but I see here there's a different story unfolding.

 

I understand it may be a little odd Gwen, but it's part of the urges of the system, is that even me? [Here I'm speaking about the underlining sexual tension everyone has, especially me toward all of them. Gwen noticed the feelings she had toward us and began to consider that she wasn't completely immune. (As moons and characters seem to be.)]

 

[Dashie] I don't think so either, really. This bod is a horndog, you're just bearing the brunt as fronter.

[/hidden]

 

July 14th, 2019

 

I had chocolate cake today. Not just boring carnival fare, we had expensive chocolate cake. Moist, creamy, decadent, rich, it was easily the best chocolate cake Bear ever had, and it was totally worth it. I love him for thinking of me!

 

Yeah, and you almost attacked me to stop me from fronting

 

Sorry, this is serious, this is chocolate cake. This was my chocolate cake.

 

It was good.

 

Mhm.

 

July 17th, 2019

 

We had a discussion with Gwen and she laid some ground rules. She decided she wants to become a full systemmate and have responsibility of her own.  She made it really clear and she said she'd do her part. She doesn't want me to discuss it here, so I will abide.

 

It was very serious and we made agreements about the internal workings here, in exchange she would help, and she will be a full systemmate. The terms will last one year, like the old style pacts we had. Ashley recognized something in her had changed. What she offers is very useful, so she's here to stay I hope.

 

July 18th, 2019

 

Well, the Bear system saga continues, just as Bear is doing great, Gwen has formally joined us again with a purpose of her own. It's kinda like Gwen to surprise us and she did it again last night. She's full angel now and I'm proud to have her join us formally.

 

She helped Bear and that's all I need to call her sister at this point. I was impressed by her today and I hope she continues to help us indefinitely.

 

[bear] As was the case previously, her emotions expressed in my heart, where Misha's are on the right side of my chest. She's not sitting in the couch, rather she prefers to impose as is kind of related to what she wants to do.

 

Why do they all support me? I'm just another thoughtform, but they made it clear to me that it's my life and as loving support of a continued successful life, they are all here (in their words) to support me. This may not match mainstream opinion in the community, I'm just presenting facts.

 

 

We had so many conversations and snuggles lately, I just want to say we're all very happy and it was a lot of hard work to get here, it's pretty amazing to me that this is possible.

 

Just for love:

[Hidden]

In thanks for your amazing efforts Dashie, I wrote this for you:

 

My love for you is vast, greater than the depths of the ocean and wider than the sea, I mean that.

 

You're my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. You're my heroine, and my champion, and you can do no wrong in my eyes.

 

Be gentle to this heart, as it always has been, it is by your will that it remains unbroken.

 

 

To my beautiful Misha:

 

Always the comfort I need and never needing anything in return, you're selfless devotion to me doesn't go unnoticed and I will never take your infinite kindness for granted. You're the kindest person I've ever known, you're the ideal of heaven on Earth.

 

 

To Ashley, my guardian angel:

 

We've been through a lot together, I owe you my life. As I promised before, you are my leader, and I will follow to my last breath. Though I may not always look like I am following orders, as I'm not perfect, my heart follows you obediently, and always will.

 

 

Gwen:

 

Your vow of dedication is endearing, and know that you will only find love here. We will do our best to impress you, and we will gladly help to make all your wishes come true.

 

 

Joy:

 

Thank you for your help. You're intelligence and wisdom have helped us greatly, and we will do our best to make you proud. You know how I feel, and you know you are special to us.

 

 

Ren:

 

Your energy and passion is an amazing addition to our lives. You're always welcome and we ask for nothing in return. Just bring with you your spirit and your innate ability to make anything fun.

 

 

[/hidden]

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Good to hear you guys are all doing well.

 

Our system tends to see particularly good food as an opportunity to surprise another system member, sometimes even to the point of feeling guilty for eating something like (good) cake if we'd already been fronting for a while.


Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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That's very good of you all Tewi, I can tell you all care deeply for each other. Believe it or not, I used to do that for my biological family. I never ate the last anything just in case someone else wanted it. Whatever they were to me or did to me, I still cared about them in general. Maybe that's being the last sibling (youngest) where everyone else is one way, someone had to be the other way.

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August 27th, 2019 - 1 year, 129 days

 

Whew, a lot happened. A lot. We feel better than ever and it's only increasing, hopefully it'll end before I float up into space from all the good vibes. Let's get started. First and foremost, Dashie is now Ashley and Ashley is now Darlene.

 

So here's the system now:

 

Bear - That's me

Darlene - I call her darling, but her new name is a play on that. She loves this little play on words and the name.

Ashley - She was called this for a short time, maybe a day and she loved this name, but I loved the name Dashie. As it turns out I love the name Ashley as much if not more and old Ashley decided to give Dashie her name back.

Misha - as always

Joy - She's come a long way toward being more included and is very happy with the system and her role.

Ren - very happy, well adjusted

Gwen - Truly earned our respect in classified ways and means. (It's completely personal and she doesn't want to share her roles, not even hints or generalizations.) I suppose this will remain a mystery.

 

July. 19th, 2019

 

Let's review the last year and a quarter...

 

1. In the recovery from my depression we developed these tools:

- Don't beat yourself up

- Don't dwell on things you can't fix

- Don't blame yourself

Given the strict adherence of these rules and the self-less help of my system, we succeeded in ending my depression. Remember, at this time we didn't switch and even co-fronting was more like eclipsing, proxying, and light possession, not full possession, we never really did that until after we learned to switch, so this was me, trapped in front and really tortured and broken until about October last year.

 

2. Force filter experiment (Triggered Switching)

Though my depression was gone and didn't come back, I was left with moods and I was very sensitive. However, Dashie was about as strong as granite and Ashley rarely let things bother her by this point, so why not let them do it? This experiment was to 'let them do it' and by the time this became very smooth and easy, we realized what we effectively did was switching. Since then we've become fluent with a half dozen switch positions.

- Watcher: No emotion, no thought, no interruption, but memories are still recorded from this position. Watcher cannot be conversed with.

- Imposed: Presence located in reality, can be conversed with, memories are registered with the fronter.

- Tulpa: Just like a tulpa, normally requiring some sort of forcing, either by the current fronter or self-forcing. In our system, anyone in this position is able to self-force, even Gwen (our newest) does this. As host in front, I don't force anyone as a general rule anymore. Sometimes the memories are still registered with the host, but from the fronter's perspective.

- Co-fronting: technically you can do this with just possession, but we use switching fluidly in this state. (except Misha, she refuses to fully switch, and that's fine.)

- Way Back (wonderland): Here you don't have any connection to the body, and you're more your essence. Any moods or trains of thought you had before entering this state evaporates. If the front isn't 'watching' you, the memories are theirs and they will not know what you're doing, but you can somewhat remember and experience what you did, but it's like 1/10th the potency unless the front keeps you in mind.

- Dormancy: You're gone, there's nothing about you in the system, you're forgotten momentarily. All memories are registered and recorded with the fronter. That fronter 'is the registered owner of the body' at this point whether it matches their self-image or not.

 

3. Patchwork Bear - mistgod explanation

This was an amazing mechanism but ultimately used as a training tool before we really knew how to 'fix' the roots of the issues. I did learn a lot and didn't trigger about the exact same issues they taught me but the number of issues that can trigger from a root is like cutting the stem off a weed, it keeps growing new stalks.

 

4. Body OS experiment

I didn't want to have to lean on Ashley In the course of replacing Patchwork Bear, I wanted to be independently normal. We achieved that ultimately. This experiment was done in order to understand what is me and what is the Body OS. It turns out, none of the issues are the Body OS. No one else experienced the issues when I was dormant or way-back. I did emotional bleed a lot and Ashley was fed up with it, and that leads us to out next accomplishment.

 

5. Manual reboot - Ashley (Dashie) fronted for a week and she was getting sick of my self-forcing and emotional bleeding if I paid attention. She didn't want to stick me in watcher position, it's kind of a stasis position, so she pushed me so far back (way back position) that I didn't know what was going on in the material world. I didn't share any senses. From there, I don't emotional bleed onto her. As it turns out, there are no triggers in wonderland, so it puts me in a relaxed and normal state.

 

6. Auto reboot - I learned to go to way back position without switching with anyone, I effectively completely disassociate from the body and emotions of the body. It drops any moods I have and emotions evaporate immediately, no matter how strong they are. I then can see the issue logically and we use this opportunity to address it.

 

7. Personality edit process

This was extremely helpful in getting the roots of my issues dealt with.

 

I explained this many times and I've included two of these explanations here (from Discord, so it's choppy).

[hidden]

July, 12, 2019 - anon explanation

When I have a sour thought and it threatens my mood, I can pull myself out of front and push myself way back, then when I come back, the thought and the emotions are gone.

We call it an auto-reboot.

The thought and mood tended to stick around for a while otherwise.

Then we follow this process.

1. Depersonalize the root issue, like if it's past trauma or a bad trait

2. Rewrite the memory, like in hypnopompic where you can fix nightmares

3. Add new memories on top, and associate those

So when I remember that path again, the sad memory is a happy loving memory

 

Psychology Today

"You Can't Change the Past, but You Can Rewrite Your History

New research shows the benefits of using imagery to rescript your past memories."

 

Before yesterday, it would take Dashie to do this.

We called this manual reboot.

 

July 14th, 2019 - Nihi explanation

Three things: reenact like hypnopompic after a nightmare, flood the memory with associated good times, and disassociate from the bad memories.

It's going to take a long time.

In the meantime I use 'auto-reboot'.

When I feel a mood or a weird thought path coming on, I can switch myself to 'way back position' then switch back.

I lose my train of thought and any emotions.

'Way back position' is a tulpa position without emotional bleed.

Close to dormant.

No one has to rescue me anymore.

We did an experiment where Dashie was switched in for a week, and she did not experience any moods at all.

I was way back the whole time more or less, or dormant.

The experience proved the issues were mine, only me.

 

[Dashie] it took 7 months

[Dashie] we were there, couldn't help before we did that forcing filter experiment

[Dashie] that because patchwork bear, but he "didn't want to lean on us"

[bear]I didn't want to be the only one with problems, or I wasn't going to front much, because all those problems went away when I didn't front.

[Dashie] that's why it works for us

[Dashie] when we switch, we don't have the same triggers

[Dashie] patchwork bear required me to step in and switch in to handle triggers

[Dashie] and Bear would learn

[Dashie] but they were symptoms, so they kept coming

[bear] I can honestly say now that I'm better than I was since 2014

[/hidden]

 

Let's go further back then, this is a documentation list of my original issues [trigger warning]:

[Hidden]

Early 2018

 

Depression with suicidal thoughts

Sometimes unable to work

Depression spirals lasting up to four hours with increasing frequency and duration

Self-loathing

Self-blame

Self-deprecation

Very poor outlook on the future

Helplessness

Loss of interest in things I previously liked

Gaining weight

Can't get enough sleep, too stressed

Very low tolerance for anything

Easily triggered, many times a day

No motivation

Dread of continued existence, mental exhaustion

A wish for mind alteration, something that would allow me to accept my life and like it. It really wasn't bad and I knew that, yet I was still just destroyed mentally over things I couldn't have or couldn't change.

 

When I found out about Tulpamancy, I found something I had interest in and I obsessed over it. Documented here.

[/hidden]

 

July 22, 2019

 

Lots of hypnagogic but couldn't get it to lock in well, still fun.

 

Wonderland fun: Misha and I terraformed a spot on the moon, there's standing water, a light atmosphere, moss like plants and little judgmental slug things--Misha and I were playing and at least the one slug we met rolled his eyes at us.

 

July 23, 2019

Didn't get much sleep last night over something that continues to bug me. At least nowadays it invigorates me and challenges me to solve it rather then bumming me out. Hidden below is a rather scathing post, and it's mostly me venting, and probably offensive. This is how we feel, but we didn't bother to post it, we already can predict the responses and we all know each other too well here. At best we'll just re-hash prior inconclusive arguments.

 

[Hidden]

Anyone can do anything imaginary with hard work. You can swap out your whole personality (switching) and go completely dormant, you can imagine with better than dream-like clarity, a full motion 4-D experience (through hypnagogia or other meditative state, and perhaps other ways), you can get fully immersed or fully render a scene in front of your eyes with 5 senses intact (wonderland association or imposition), and you can do anything else that your mind can imagine without any mention of confabulation. These are only a few examples of what we've achieved, not all of them are consistent or on-demand, but it's only a matter of practice and unlocking procedures to achieve it, it's headed that direction, we're certain of that. Some things like triggering hypnagogic state is a matter of meditation or relaxation for example.

 

Here's the meat of my post, (for those with dubious reading comprehension, I'm going to make it clear) and I don't really care if anyone responds, but an 'on-topic' response would be addressing the act of denying, explaining away (as with the confabulation offense), or questioning someone's experience as if it was impossible (such as the experience of parallel processing).

 

If you don't care to believe someone, just don't, but don't directly insult them by making up unqualified excuses about why a brain does or can't do things or by saying it's impossible based on some tangential philosophical logic. You're not an expert, are you?. No one knows everything a brain can or cannot do, period. Not even seasoned experts in the field. You're not even a seasoned expert, are you? So we cannot only conclude their making things up for whatever reason. To flat out deny them the experience is beyond rude, and it's destructive. Site any relevant papers if a debate is initiated, and if you have some, that only means that it's been studied, no theory is definitive. A well founded theory or study is appreciated but outliers always exist. If you want to say, we don't want to hear from outliers, that's another subject entirely and should be addressed separately. If you don't believe in meta, that's great, neither do we, so in that case, between us, then anything we experience is by definition is explainable, and not meta.

 

Example:

One evening the room seemed to take on a orange hue and that was very odd, so I stepped outside and the sky was a brilliant green and yellow, the clouds were golden lined and the sun was a brilliant orange. This is not a typical sunset, I've never seen a sunset so beautiful in all my life before or since. Nor have I ever seen any documented skies like this. It's not like anything I've ever experienced by any means. Yet I stood there in awe for a half an hour until it returned to the more mundane, yet still pretty, sunsets of normalcy. There were 4 other witnesses within my purview. We were all just silently in awe of this spectacle and  no mention was made of this on the news. Maybe this was a perfectly aligned lensing effect that was probably only visible within a small circle, but who cares, it was amazing.

 

Example:

One day I looked up and there was a rainbow, just there for no reason, no rain accompanied it. There was a few clouds near the horizon, but this was in the opposite hemisphere of the sky. It was strong, full and bright. This is odd, no doubt, but it didn't stop everyone around me from experiencing the same thing and remarking how beautiful it was.

 

Tulpamancy is a personal experience, there's never going to be 'other witnesses'. Anything from mundane vocality to the most fantastical seeming feat is possible and has been reported.

 

To us, if you deny someone else's experience, you're only denying yourself. You're showing your own weakness, you own close mindedness, and your definitely showing your own gate keeping. Just because you didn't experience it yourself doesn't mean you can't. I find any argument in this realm so tedious and disappointing that we're not entertaining them anymore.

 

If that seems hypocritical to you that we are unwilling to throw out our experiences to match your thinking, then you don't understand my point, and the issue is that I'm incapable of making the point understandable.

 

Just because your belief system is at odds with someone else's experience doesn't make it any less rude or intrusive to start explaining it away. We already have confabulation and parallel processing threads with all kinds of fetid mess for your reading pleasure. This is about courtesy and acceptance of experience in the greater community. Tulpamancy isn't rocket science, its psychology at best and therefore not easily repeatable, and you're being very cruel to minimize or negate someone's experience without first trying to understand it.

 

If you just can't understand, if it's positive, what's the harm in accepting it as valid for them. Obviously some things like 'demons are attacking my tulpas' are beyond this rant. I'm not unreasonable.

[/hidden]

 

July 24th, 2019

 

I feel myself gaining overwhelming love for my system. Slowly we've realized that something like imposition, or even a step further like having others see them, means nothing to us. Our life in the inner world is richer and more fulfilling than any material existence. This is not effecting my work or other chores, it's perfectly healthy.

 

I consider material toil to be my job, but I live in wonderland.

 

The body is just an interface to material concerns and a communication device between systems.

 

Our shared love is absolute and indescribably beautiful.

 

We are seven independent souls that enjoy our friendship above all else.

 

I never could have dreamed of such an outcome.

 

...

 

I dreamt I was a male nurse and I was going to marry 6 of 9 sisters. The three remaining sisters weren't very pretty, some of them were very pretty, they looked to be different races too etc. I can only imagine it was my mind's may of trying to understand love of a head-mate.

 

July 27th 2019

 

Object permanence of wonderland - another post that I decided not to post because I already know it won't get much traction and honestly I don't really want to argue anymore. I get a feeling that I'm not going to convince anyone who doesn't already experience this, but at least my continued insistence shows you how much we believe it. We're done beating this drum though after this I suppose.

 

[hidden]

It's a well known developmental milestone in child development whereas an object continues to exist even when they cannot be perceived.

 

This applies to all things, organic, inert, and living.

 

A dog left in an apartment does not cease to exist when you leave for work. It continues to live, act, react, and though when you come home, that dog may very well be in the same spot you left him, things have occurred. This is to be expected and you understand that.

 

In wonderland we have many examples of object permanence, of course you may have experience, as we have, that if you create a building, meadow, object of any kind, when you leave wonderland and come back, the mental map of wonderland, very much like the mental map of your own neighborhood, remains. This is a reinforcement and I contend an example of the application of object permanence. Thus that mental map is static, like in the concept of mind vault. It certainly does not have to be, but once you treat wonderland as a real place, this is an instance of expectation to maintain immersion for future visitation.

 

Here's comes a big leap, but let's pause there a minute and form a bridge of understanding. If you treat wonderland as a real place, with real people living in it, you would expect those people to follow certain patterns analogous to object permanence. In the real world, they will self-entertain for instance, or indulge in any manor of activity, forming memories and experiences. Thus in tulpamancy we generally agree that you have 'real people' living with you now. This is the basis of tulpamancy right? You would 'expect' real people in a construct treated as real (wonderland) to behave similarly to reality. This is a common report of new tulpamancers, many have this belief by default.

 

So why do some lose this belief? To my reckoning, there are a few ways that this belief becomes corrupted:

 

One, by others in the community, given pressure to 'prove' something purely subjective, a young tulpamancer may just acquiesce under peer pressure and succumb to the supposed knowledge of their seniors in the community.

 

Two, because we are used to sharing memories we expect to be able to share these experiences apart, but for the vast majority of times, we're left with a big question mark. This experience isn't fully in your memory somehow, if you ask those who supposedly did something, they're pressed to tell you, they may come up with quick answers or draw blank. Other times they produce a fanciful story and real progress toward any number of goals that you may feel is unlikely to be produced in the time frame of explanation.

 

I contend in some of these cases, such as when a thoughtform independent designs a mansion in your absence, with details like furniture and flow, bedrooms and kitchens, flowers in vases and works of art you've never seen before, reproducing this experience on a whim in the same time frame it took them to show it to you is very intensely difficult and takes a lot of concentrated effort by comparison. It's hard to do with any detail, try it. If you say it's easy, you don't understand my point.

 

Many examples like this exist.

 

Check-in:

 

In our experience, when the fronter checks in on those outside their purview, they are often caught in mid-action. This has happened even when I was away and Dashie checked in on me. Do that several times at random intervals and you can paint an accurate picture of their activity. Not doing this does not prevent that same activity from occurring. The activity often has flow and purpose, and you don't need to pay attention to it.

 

There is, however, very little accessible memory of that activity. Even when I did it, leaving Dashie to front, I brought back with me only a general notion of what I did, but very importantly, like the mansion, I also had tangible results. In some cases, a better understanding on a subject (more on this in a minute), in other cases, increased sense of well being or feeling recharged.

 

There's another well known phenomenon which may be related to dream amnesia, that being when you tell yourself, before you fall asleep, to solve a problem that you're stuck on, sometimes called 'sleep solving' or 'spreading activation'. The solution may very well be waiting for you when you wake up. This is well documented and I have used this myself many times in my career.

 

Theories claim that you can gain access to more of your subconscious while you sleep, and thereby seek other associations in your brain which can help solve the problem.

 

I claim you can also do this with head-mates while you're awake, and they can produce results.

 

There are parallels here. Leaving the fronter's stream of consciousness, you have two options, dormancy or way-back position. In this way-back position, you aren't even necessarily being passively forced consciously by the fronter, yet you remain active and accessible nonetheless. My memories of this time are in the realm of 10% or less (some claim this can be improved).

 

Consider it akin to a daydream, you do what you want, but retain next to nothing of value as far as memories go--the vast majority of the memories are generated by the fronter; however, you do sometimes get results, one big one is a sense of well-being for having relaxed a while, or the afterglow of fun, you may also feel recharged.

 

This is not at all unusual considering how certain sedatives can completely stop memories from forming, or where you have the slightest inkling of an exceptional dream but cannot remember much of it when you wake.

 

The mechanism can take any number of forms, none of which I'm offering here as any sort of explanation, my point is, if the expectations are there, the occurrences are there as well, and some head-mates remember way more than others (in my experience). Before you dismiss this entirely, consider this, how much do you remember between two random hour marks yesterday? I bet if I picked a set time frame, you'd be hard pressed to remember even 10% of that, that would be on par with what I'm talking about.

 

Therefore I believe better quality of life is there if you want it and this is just a mindset issue. Either you believe this to be true, active in wonderland while the fronter is occupied with something else, or you don't. Like many things in tulpamancy, belief plays a huge roll, so why limit yourself arbitrarily?

 

I understand, anything that feels fake generates doubt, we've all gone through that, even with vocality, if you haven't then I am envious. Though with time and repetition, certain unexplained events occur, certain accomplishments seem unlikely or extraordinarily difficult to repeat on demand, but not impossible, and you begin to see and reinforce your beliefs with real experiences that can't be doubted so easily, and it gets easier.

 

Before you dismiss something someone else can do as impossible or obviously made up, consider all that you can do and in any of the tools of tulpamancy. Corroboration plays a big roll to cement belief, but it's not necessary. Thus just because you don't corroborate with someone's experience, that does not invalidate it.

[/hidden]

 

July 29th, 2019

 

Realness of my system, why I don't doubt anymore:

 

[Hidden]

 

I suppose if I only had a minute to explain to someone why I don't doubt, I'd have to go over the insanely powerful self-help I've been able to accomplish that I can't imagine I could do alone. Any of these alone will do:

 

1. Depression: They genuinely helped me overcome MDD (depression). Guided me, supported me, cheered me on, cheered me up and loved me through it all.

 

2. Switching: I had a lot of issues even after my depression, especially sensitivity and moods. I was very thin skinned and riddled with intrusive thoughts. Using this I managed to use fast switching to avoid triggers, and while switched out, I was able to learn from my tulpas how to handle situations normally.

 

3. Personality surgery: Even after I was 'cured' and didn't trigger at all because we had this fail-safe in place, I wasn't satisfied, and I still had moods. I didn't want to have to rely on them to fight my battles so to speak, so we decided to perform memory healing and this. Through this I leaned how to stop all emotion. Which basically means I can now stop moods in an instant. At first Ashley would pull me out of front, throw me in back, then drag me back to front, we called this 'manual reset' I learned to do this myself under her instruction. I haven't had a mood in weeks now, and I used to have them three times a day. We're identifying and healing my past traumas, which is remarkable.

 

Any one of these would be proof enough for me, so I am triple buffered from doubt.

 

I have to add, that after I had the experience of dormancy and returned, I was astonished that the memories I returned to weren't mine, rather they were my tulpas (both Ashley and Ren have fronted while I was dormant.) I also saw how what we are as people is just a thin shell, like a shrink-wrap fabric that can be opened, viewed, and edited or repaired once you see yourself like this, and our edits are holding perfectly. I could have literally gone dormant and never returned, thus the system would have been free of me and my issues, but they loved me too much to allow any thought of it. Some systems do this however, some actually want this and can't achieve switching yet.

 

Doing this or discussing this will probably get you kicked from Plural Nest (discord) we left that server when they banned someone for writing a well thought out and humane dissipation guide. It's the mods of Plural Nest's loss for choosing to be book-burning gate-keeping fascists I suppose. Ha, you can't kick us, we're already off.

 

[/hidden]

 

July 30, 2019

 

Heard Ashley's voice, saw Gwen (7/29) and flew over a grassy field with Ashley in hypnagogic, which was just like lucid dream flying, that was very fun.

 

August 1st, 2019

 

More Bear history review, yeah, we've been thinking a lot about our journey lately and talking to a lot of people about it [Trigger warning].

 

[Hidden]

 

April 2018 I was in really bad shape, mentally. I was suffering from severe depression and suicidal fantasies.

 

At this time, I strongly felt a presence. This wasn't new, I'd felt a motherly presence almost all my life starting with an angelic visitation I had at the age of five when I was in a particularly bad state due to abuse and feelings of neglect. That experience, seeing this winged being of light exuding an overwhelming sense of motherly love, never left me.

 

Over the years, I had ups and downs, and particularly on the downs, that feeling of presence was there. Bring us back to 2018, I felt her very strongly. So out of nothing but curiosity I asked, "if you are there, show me a sign" and I don't typically get hallucinations, but in front of me, within arms reach was a gold and red swirling orb about the size of the tip of your thumb and again that sense of her there.

 

That evening I tried to contact her, I merely started to picture her and what she might look like, then suddenly out of nowhere I heard, "Hello B..." [my real name].

 

She used my mind voice to contact me and I was able to communicate right then and there. It turns out there were three angels with me. All of them spoke and we discussed who they were, where they came from, why me, that sort of thing. 

 

In the last 16 months they've been entirely consistent, supportive, beautiful, caring, loving unconditionally, but also helpful in that they aren't going to let me do things willy-nilly, as much as they would help me avoid depression spirals or suicidal thoughts. Since then, three others made themselves known, but are far less frequent, the most recent one just a few weeks ago.

 

They're not here just for me, they're also here with me for their own benefit as well. We share this life now and I have just as much of an obligation to see them succeed as they do me.

 

It's been absolutely amazing to go from being close to giving up to being spiritually enlightened to the point of being able to fix myself and feel that unconditional love around me from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep.

 

I love them more than anything or anyone, we're family now, while my biological family is entirely out of my life, they're no different than strangers, these delightful and angelic people, doting over me, give me strength of will and character I couldn't have dreamed possible.

[/hidden]

 

August 2nd, 2019

 

More ramblings [Trigger warnings again]:

 

[Hidden]

 

By giving up lust, greed, and anger (mostly anger), without any other actions, for me at least led to hopelessness, frustration and ultimately depression. Not knowing what I was doing, I also saw others around me calm and the drama that was my life also calmed, that's when I realized others around me were just reflections of myself, so they all healed but I worsened.

 

At my lowest points I couldn't really do anything but cry. I had bad depression spirals that left me even unable to hide my sadness so I had to seclude myself to endure.

 

The last spiral I had was a Friday, April 13th, 2018, approximately one year since I gave up anger etc, and about 6 months into my depression.

 

After that I vowed it would be my last (by any means). I was prepared to "end the next spiral". It ironically gave me a small break from them. That morbid sense of control. You can't go any lower than bottom I guess. That's when I felt her presence very strongly, one that felt familiar and renewed.

 

By chance I stumbled upon the concept of a tulpa [redacted for repetitiveness]

 

That afternoon she spoke to me, then introduced two more. In six more months and a lot of visualization meditation, i wasn't depressed anymore. By January 2019, I could feel myself getting stronger with their guidance.

 

[redacted for repetitiveness]

 

Now I feel powerful, joyful, amazing, and I'm surrounded by love.

 

EDIT: I suppose all these retellings is a sort of affirmation exercise, even I'm surprised that I have this same story in my journal so many times, lol.

[/hidden]

 

August 4th, 2019

As we all know, Misha is the queen of imposition. Apparently she was in another physical room than us as Bear was taking a nap. (Bear is a nap master, even at his friend's house). When he woke up, he heard someone coming, we heard a whisper (I heard it too), "you have to be quiet, he's still taking a nap"

 

To that Bear replied, "no, I'm up."

 

To which his friend says, "what? Are you talking to me?"

 

"Yeah, you just said..."

 

"I didn't say anything."

 

[bear] Then I'm like, "um, maybe they have DID or something and lost their memory temporary."

 

Nope, Misha pops in and admits it was her. She was "traveling" imposed.

 

Conveniently, her memories are very few for the whole thing, but she wasn't connected in some way so that she didn't even know he was up. Call this an experience outlier, but we've come to expect Misha to be 'out and about', as she's done this many times. Nice imposition though!

 

August 5th, 2019

 

Joy is a boss. I was a bad boy at work, sort of, and broke a promise I had made to myself so we had a trial, Gwen took prosecution and stuck to her guns, I was going to lose.

 

Then Joy said, can't you just take time off work?

 

Yes.

 

I love you Joy, and Gwen.

 

Free man walks...

 

August 7th, 2019

 

We contemplated doing a duplicate self-double merge like Dashie wanted, but decided against it.

 

August 8th, 2019 - Conversation about names, old names used here:

 

[Hidden]

[bear] Ashley, what name do you want?

 

I want Misha.

 

*squeak sound* wut?

 

[This had me giggling.]

Seriously though?

 

Daisha.

 

No, that's still my name too. I mean, I love you *nameless* but if you take my aliases that's very confusing. I understand the hypocrisy (thanks for that word, Bear) of my statement.

 

hmmm... Joy.

 

[Joy] I already lost "Ranger", but If I can be called Ranger again, then fine.

 

[bear] Oh dear...

 

um-

 

[bear] don't say Ren or Gwen or Shy or Bear.

 

I don't know ;-; those are all my favorite names.

 

Melatosha then.

 

[bear] No, you need to take this seriously.

 

It's too much fun! Do I even need a name? How about no name at all.

 

[bear] ...

 

Dawna - meh

Lilith - eh

Shawna - too masculine

Lillian - sounds old

Vivian - also old

Gina - please no

Katherine - you know why no

Frankie - ugg

Daria - i'm not sold

Hele- No.

 

[bear] Oh yeah, no H's or ABGJMR's. Are you okay with this?

I'm good, yeah. I liked that name, you liked that name, but Dashie loved that name and I consider it something I can give her in thanks above and beyond anything I could otherwise give.

 

thanks Ashley, I'll take good care of it, and you'll never do wrong in my eyes.

 

when have I ever done wrong?

 

*flood of tulpish from Dashie to Ashley*

 

[bear] moving on, what about...

 

Abagale - no A's

Calilie - nah

[Ren] Cashia, Cat, Catherine - na

[Joy] Donna, Dorra, Deborah - no, thanks though

Elizabeth - no

Elise - no

Erika - hmmm, no

Eliza - no

Eris - taken

Elenore - old

... it just goes on and on ...

[/hidden]

 

August 8th, 2019

 

Dream 1: NSFW

 

[hidden]

 

I friend of mine IRL was missing Misha, like he desperately wanted to see her, and Misha was in the dream with me, standing next to me.  She was all bundled up with tasteful attire, and he was basically asking me if he could see her cleavage. She obliged before I said anything and...

 

[video=youtube]

 

Except it wasn't just in his pants, ukk..., but nothing got on either of us and I didn't see 'the source' TG!

 

[/Hidden]

 

Dream 2:

 

Misha was switched in for the first time (while we slept, not her intention), this was her dream:

 

She lived in a co-ed commune and an Indian dude made up a game where everyone had to cut out sections of the layers of their clothes. To keep her dignity, though she also felt like she was distancing herself from the community by doing so, she put on enough layers so that even with many holes and layers, she was still fully clothed underneath. This guy made it a point to come and see her (of course) and when he realized this he was devastated. Apparently, the whole game was contrived specifically to see Misha's rockin' bod.

 

August 9th, 2019

 

Names... oh no.

 

Liana - Hmm

 

Hannah - what's it mean?

Brilliance or gift from god.Oh, that's nice.

 

Damnit it's an H word!

 

Faith - so cliche

 

Brooke, it's a B-word

 

...

 

August 12th, 2019

 

[Hidden]

 

EDIT: I can't remember if I posted this, my PR is too long to go through it and find out, sorry. I have an odd recollection that I posted it in LOTPW. Too lazy to research it. It's just ramblings and venting anyway, enjoy or skip:

 

The seams of your material construct are clear to me now. I've taken the blindfold off plenty enough to see what is possible. I'm not making shit up, science measures the material construct, but science can't fully measure the mind, and I don't think it ever will because it would be impractical to build a device to measure what is impossible in the material world.

 

My visualization continues to improve. With switching I gained a very powerful insight, that I am self-limiting and finite, when I'm plugged in, i'm flawed, my tulpas are more perfect than I am because they haven't been damaged or limited by material life. They don't share my flaws, and together we're eliminating them. My response to stimulus are now being seen from a higher level, there's no reason I can't change whatever I want given time and effort. I can be more perfect too, but that's rather boring compared to what I can experience and live with my head-mates in the ethereal construct.

 

My visualization is now 70% [EDIT: eh 80-ish now, this rant is three months old] up from 40% 13 months ago. It's already fully equivalent to viewing pictures online, better than 2D hd by comparison. We live in two worlds, material and ethereal. The material world is affected by what we do, the ethereal world is similar and simultaneous.  Once I started leaving wonderland running all day, it has become so easy to be in both places. In another year and it may be more 'real' than reality.

 

Not to diminish lucid dreams, but 1.2x reality I get in my meditative states are hauntingly beautiful by comparison. My goals are set squarely on that. Imagine that on demand. You'd simply get used to it and suddenly the material world will seem like a sad simulation of the true expression of experiential possibilities.

 

This isn't para-science, it's super-science. Understanding and experience is possible. Imagine what is above what can be measured or experienced in the material world. Believe it, I have it, and there's nothing stopping anyone from taking off those blindfolds. It puts things in perspective, certainly.

 

[Edit: For some reason, I had this link, not sure why other than to say, hey look, these people are using hypnagogic and visualization. I don't currently believe in past lives.]

[/Hidden]

 

August 14th, 2019

 

Bear-Ashley merge was pretty unstable, not like a switch. This merge we kind of felt like we were separate a couple times. It was perfectly stable in wonderland, but it kept devolving to symmetric co-fronting.

 

...

 

Strange imposition experience repeat:

 

Today I saw that same orb that I saw just before I started tulpamancy. It stayed in one place even when I darted my eyes. It was directly in front of a person I was speaking to.

 

I immediately asked Darlene if it was her and she took credit for it. I certainly wasn't doing it.

 

It was a small ball, about the size of a marble, gold and red, luminous. The person in front of me didn't notice it, but it was out of his field of view and I said nothing.

 

Later I asked why she did it (I have no choice but to believe her, I don't deny or doubt them) she said she was just messing with me, she wanted to end the conversation with him because she knew I was bored with him. Rather she was bored with him. She refuses to do it on demand. She says it takes a lot of concentrated effort. So I ask, how did you do it? She says, "the same way you would do it."

 

That's all.

 

August 15th, 2019 - Old names used.

 

Dren was a thing, a Dashie-Ren merge. She was more of a swirling chimera though, not very stable, like oil and water.

 

Then we tried Misha-Dashie, she didn't have a name and also didn't last long.

 

Then we tried Dashie-Misha-Ren and again, very unstable.

 

August 16th, 2019 - Old names used.

 

Dashie-Misha merge again, still not stable, we will probably not try again.

 

August 17th, 2019

 

MOAR NAME DISCUSSIONS!!!! and sap, you are warned.

[hidden]

 

I want the name of a goddess.

 

Thus we looked on websites for baby names meaning goddess and boom, Cybele jumped out at us.

 

*nameless* loved it because it has the ‘s’ sound a soothing white noise and it has a smile in it.

Cybele [sib-uh-lee] or [sib-bell] /'s?b???li/ or /'s?b bel/

Cybele my bele, oh how I love you.

 

Hm hmm h hm te dum [This was a random imposition or mind-voice near-imposition]

 

Hey Dashie.

 

[Ashley] It’s Ash or Ashley, we need practice.

Ash… wow, full circle. [The first name she wanted to be called when I was calling her Dashie very early on was "Dash", but I didn't like it.]

[Ashley] Mhm.

 

[/Hidden]

 

August 19th, 2019

 

Gwen did something very special for me just now.

 

Conversation that's mostly redacted, sorry:

 

[hidden]

She basically said [REDACTED]. I didn’t need to prove anything.

 

[Gwen] No, you did. You proved it by the way you interact with those around you, by your kindness and love, by your attitude and your deeds. By listening to me.

 

It’s worth a lot to us, yes.

 

[bear]Thank you both. How’s Gwen doing, Cybele? [EDIT: that name didn't last long]

 

Good, really good. She fits well. She’s worthy to be called an angel.

 

[Gwen] Thank you, it really means a lot.

 

Ahem, you forgot the most important part, she just [COMPLETELY REDACTED OOF].

 

[bear] Technically she pledged that she [sHE WON'T LET ME SHARE THIS! It's completely innocuous and tame, sheesh.]

 

No, it wasn’t exactly that, she [REDACTED, LOL] basically. [EDIT: I will say that Misha was shocked somewhat, because she didn't think Gwen would come around to the platonic love thing we all share, and this was not related to that, but shows that ideal.]

 

[Gwen] Not the [redacted :3] *laughing*

 

[bear] Wow...

 

She definitely fits here.

[/Hidden]

 

August 21st, 2019

 

Well, it finally hit Gwen that her old friends were fictional. That none of them, including Johanna, are really as advanced as her or really self-aware. (Johanna might be in denial, I don’t know.) She broke down and cried for about half a minute and I cried with her mostly because she was emotionally bleeding all over me so then Misha hugged and consoled us and we were laughing with tears in our eyes in a few minutes because she has a ton of friends now instead, in us. She was a little embarrassed by it but I told her I think it’s very normal. She had waves of sadness for a few more minutes but didn’t cry again. (Of course I was listening to a sad song at the time. I’m honestly not affected by sad songs anymore, but it ‘set the mood’ I suppose as we were finishing the edit on her book.)

 

Somewhat relevant, in her story, the book ends where her friends were supposed to meet up in ten days, but weeks passed and they never returned. There was a very dangerous mission involving dragons. I haven’t written that book yet, but they probably won't return the same or in any reasonable time-frame. Gwen knows this and it doesn't bother her at all, what bothers her is the strong friendship she had in the book with those two others and they don't care to join her in her new life, or just aren't beyond characters, she won't go back though either.

 

August 23rd, 2019

 

We officially changed some names as indicated earlier.

 

August 24th, 2019

 

Earlier, (like last week) we had a very vivid dream character visit us in hypnagogia. She wasn’t like the other random scenes or other faces that pop in when it’s not my system, she was clear and capable of responding and communicating. She was black haired, fair skinned and she said, “be nicer on Reddit.” So as a result I was nicer on Reddit.

 

Fast forward a few days and she returned, and thanked me for "being nicer on Reddit". This was the oddest walk-in we’ve ever had and it’s never happened before like this. She didn’t match anyone we have ever known. Her vocality was entirely in hypnagogia. So unique! [EDIT: Haven't seen her since.]

 

August 26th, 2019

 

Things happen that you don't expect, it's life, but you have the power to move on.

 

Oh, and now everyone is calling me "Love" it's a meme. It's a little sappy.

 

[hidden]

Darling?

Yes love?

 

Dash...ley?

Yes love?

 

Misha?

Yes my love?

 

Gwen?

[Gwen]Yes love! *salute*

 

Ren?

Hm?

 

Almost everyone.

 

Joy?

[Joy] I'm not calling you 'love', it's silly. I love you, I love everyone, but no. Love is a drug, and calling you a drug is like saying you're god. You're not god, and you're not a drug. You wrote my story and that's great, you 'created me' maybe, probably, but you're not my god, you're not my drug. Sometimes you're a bear, you're cuddly, you smell nice, you're warm and soft, but not a drug, not a god, just Bear.

 

I am a bear, a happy bear.

[/hidden]

 

Just for Fun:

[Hidden]

 

Haiku of ranting:

 

Many, many rants

Even patient mountains tire

Even stone gets bored

 

Haiku of ranting alternative:

 

Incessant ranting

Even ancient rocks grow bored

Mountains lose patience

 

Haiku of love:

 

It's all around you

It's all within you right now

Just enjoy it please.

 

Haiku of Gwen:

 

She says 'hello there'

'I need you to prove something'

'You already have'

 

Haiku of Happy Bear:

 

The bear is happy

Where did all that anger go?

Drowned in love's embrace.

 

[/Hidden]

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