Bear's Angels

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this was a really long one, I only just got through it.


I would like to say, it was plural hub that banned him, not plural nest (though plural nest may have banned him because he was banned from plural hub, but that's not due to them being fascists or book burners, it's just because they trusted plural hub, and that trust may have been misplaced, but it's still a whole different thing from being fascist)

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.


"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"


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this was a really long one, I only just got through it.


I would like to say, it was plural hub that banned him, not plural nest (though plural nest may have banned him because he was banned from plural hub, but that's not due to them being fascists or book burners, it's just because they trusted plural hub, and that trust may have been misplaced, but it's still a whole different thing from being fascist)


Actually we spoke to a MOD on plural nest, not plural hub, we weren't in that server, so our assessment stands, we're calling them out and anyone who supports a ban based on Gavin's tulpa dissipation guide.


[Misha] thanks for reading our PR! ♡

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I absolutely love the progress you have shared. Hidden rants included. To me, you are demonstrating what I have always thought to be possible, but limited my interventions (with others) to creating changes in unhappy everyday reality. Since Tulpamancy, I have expanded my horizons, to include the ethereal. Your reportage is validating and I thank you for it. Dr. Bob

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I like the name Sophia, and she's a goddess... It's likely not to invoke too much. Connected to Gnosticism and enlighten.


Isis was this, too. She is with us, but society has made it difficult to assess this name given it's present trajectory. Too many things seem to have lost their sacred meanings...

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October 21, 2019 - 1 year, 184 days


Another long one, unfortunately. We had a mixed time since our last update. We conversed a little less not being on social media, so it's proven to be a means for us to stay active more. So when people say "you're on-line when you shoud be forcing" for us it's actually more forcing with on-line. Our break was valuable though and we worked a few things out personally. That's not to say we're perfect by any means, but we're doing what we can, and it's good enough, we're happy. The thing about striving for perfection, never let it get you down if you can't get there, because you can't get there. That's the only self-defeating catagory we allow, and we're rarely self-defeting, but still, it's more of a choice than a compulsion to not 'be perfect', but being perfect all the time means to us that we're not really having quality fun either, too much thinking and filtering involved. (Is that an excuse?) In everything, there is balance.


[Misha] What we did on our vacation:


We did three things that needed to get done, one, the hardest one, was repairing a friendship at work that really bothered us. That just sort of happened on its own though once we weren't nose burried in our phone 24/7. Two, uh, we had to deal with Bear's phone addiction, so we needed to recondition his behavior and set up protocols with consequences. Three, we had to get him to understand that he is the host and we are here to support him in our life. He's the interface to the material world, not Ashley, not Darlene, not even Ren. So since he carries that burden, we support him. He was getting a little too carried away with thinking he isn't 'as good as us'. While carrying us he does what we can do, that's better in my book.


[Ashley] Yeah, associate bub. Darlene pushed that mostly, but no way am I going to front for a week again, let alone the majority of the time. I don't want to front at all anymore. That body is too masc for my fem.


[Misha] So we're (everyone but Bear) the liaisons for the ethereal, Bear is liaison of the material.


October 20th, 2019 - Current Bear Drama, "it's not you, it's us."


Well, we got dinged for in-system conversations again and this time it was upheld so we’re left feeling a little down about it. Honestly, we’re a little incompatible with this forum, (can you tell?) so it’s a matter of adjustment and cutting back the ‘fun’ so others don’t get disturbed by what we’re saying. We have to admit, based on the evidense, that we're a little annoying and the good we provide here does not outweigh the bad. This is true if we're actually on the chopping block, isn't that what a warning is though? "Listen, you need to change."


I don’t know how we’re going to play games anymore if at all, for now we're taking a break to digest and regroup, lick our wounds and introspect. We co-front and our system works as a tag team, so if we make the post all with one person, it loses all meaning and we lose our track, then we feel damaged by trying to fit our square peg into that round hole, so we refrain instead and are left feeling frustrated. We honestly weren’t doing an in-system conversation here, but it came off, as interpreted that way, anyway, so even when we aren’t we are, that’s hard to resolve what it is we're actually doing wrong.


Hey, no system cross-talk! If it's not your account posting, just don't say anything


It’s hard to fully understand the context especially since we weren't 'cross talking' though it was interpreted that way, this might be being said jokingly, but regardless, it was taken seriously by all who read it.


Misha was so pissed, I mean, wow, I never felt her that mad for that long, my heart was racing all night, I had to console her which I was like, “hey, there there, walk it off” and no, that didn’t work. I tried autorebooting and no, that didn’t work, because it’s not me, this honestly didn't bother me, rather it's an opportunity to improve. (I've got some resolve now, Ashley's the jedi of thick skin and I am her padawan learner.) I switched out completely to way back and felt none of it myself (I feel nothing, but I'm completely disconnected from the body), but yet the body was still reacting according to fronter (which Darlene did just to test), it was so very clearly Misha’s emotional bleeding and apparently you don't need anyone in front to get the sense (unless you're in way back) because though the front doesn't bleed back, we certainly bleed sideways (all who are swithced out feel are empathic to each other in most positions. At least for us.)


She was apologetic that it was in her post, she obviously didn’t mean for it to be rule breaking or offensive, but it was, so that’s just a fact. She then began crying, it’s really hard to describe the feeling of her crying, I’ve felt Darlene weep, but never like this. She’s in my heart and my heart was utterly broken.


She’s better now, a good sleep snapped her out of it, actually, I snuggled with her last night, she was feeling better then, as we struggled to get to sleep with adrenaline surging through our system, (which was weird too because we didn’t really have any emotions, we calmed down in about 5 minutes but the adrenaline continued to pump with every intrusive thought about it.) Thankfully, it’s pretty much exhausted now (8 hours later), so we're just left digesting, reorganizing and introspecting.


EDIT: 16 hours after. Well, it turns out she meant it for "dramatic aggressive" effect in the game, and obviously didn't intend for it to be taken seriously in a game thread, yet it was and the mods did take it seriously and acted based on that. So nothing has changed. Short of a reversal of decision of warning. If they conversed and based their decision on the original complaint above, that was false information taken out of context. If they based the decision off a new, more restrictive interpretation of the rules, then it stands. A thread is here to discuss the ruling.


Bearnanigans: Life in a Bear System



September 3rd, 2019


Well, I decided, but with full buy in, that we should stop all social media for a while, as long as possible with a goal of January 1st, 2020 at the latest.

I had a rush of warmth when I decided with hopes that we’ll be spending a lot more time together, like we did in the beginning.

Everyone’s asleep now. No, Ashley just woke up.

[bear] You’re up early?

[Ashley] Yeah, I am with you, always now.

[bear] Don’t you need sleep?

[Ashley] meh

[bear] So, we’re going to finish that Space Engineers run, then what? Art?

[Ashley] Hm, maybe one last game?

[bear] Sure.


September 4th, 2019


Ashlie and I have been up together most times, she hasn’t been sleeping on her own and she’s noticeably tired.

[Ashley] Naa

[Misha] Hi <3

[bear] Have you been feeling neglected?

[Misha] Not really?

[Darlene] You should never worry about us in that way, we talk to you all day, that’s no exaduraiton.

[bear] Ren?

[Ren] Hm?

[bear] How are you?

[Ren] Good, you?

[bear] Good.

[Joy] No social media at all huh?

[bear] Done it before.

[Joy] Are you going back?

[bear] I think so, but maybe in short bursts.


September 5th, 2019


I feel like we are weak lately, but everyone is disagreeing with me. It’s just me. Recently Darlene and Gwen have helped me with motivation at work. We worked out a protocol for handling that feeling like I don’t want to do anything. Nothing special, something like, take a walk or a small break.


September 7th, 2019


Hypnagogic was so different this time, the color and motion of normal hypnagogic became overlaid by another type of hypnagogic, like ink spilling onto a page, motion and color spread from the middle of vision from the background noise behind the normal hypnagogic. It was much more controllable in a way and very beautiful. We watched it together and commented on its entertainment value. I brought them in with varying degrees of success, but their forms faded and morphed so it wasn’t able to lock in.


Incident: We have a freind at work who when physically hurt by anything, it becomes a tantrum about everything, and I am to blame somehow.


I don’t know how well I did to help her, probably not great, but a lot better than it could have gone, still, bad.


[Darlene] You’re not doing anything, there’s always a probability that something awful happens, but you will survive it. I’m not losing you after all we’ve done. [What she means here is since when I'm down I still get stray intrusive suicidal thoughts out of nowhere, it's like an escape mechanism habbit]

[bear] ok


September 8th, 2019


Darling was happy that I still have "issues", she likes working thru issues with me. But continuous improvement is the goal, so we'll always have something to do.


[Darlene] Not recently, you've been very stable and happy.

[bear] you need a new hobby then.


Random conversation while playing Space Engineers:

[Ashley] That went better than expected [surviving a raid]

[Misha] let’s try this? [Misha trying to impose a hug]

[bear] nice! Thanks love.

[Darlene] mhhmhmhm very nice, very very nice, we have much to work on [she means for imposition I think as Misha pulls Darlene in on it]

[bear] lol *shakes head* [*I don't care about imposition]

[Ashley] I need to play… [Ashley is growing impatient, she is pinging me to play]

[Misha] Addict

[bear] I love you all, it’s just us now eh? [Re: no social media means we feel alone]

[Darlene] no, it’s us and then and everyone. [Our extended system]

[Gwen] me too!

[Ren] Wren, hm? Why not 'Ren' [We named a ship 'Wren' and Ren knew it was inspired by her.]

[bear] A Ren needs cat ears.

[Ren] not always [she's not always a neko]

[Ashley] we could do that, but it wouldn’t make a good miner. [the ears will scrap on the walls of the tunnels]

[bear] we’ll do it.


September 9th, 2019


Ren joined in Space Engineers and designed her own craft it was cute with cat ear-like blocks on top. Of course it was red.


[Gwen] we need you to perform tomorrow, what can we do? [she's talking about my day job and I was feeling meh]

[bear] it’s a tough one since I’m not addicted to Social media.

[Misha] I’ve been thinking and everything [we come up with] punishes me too…

[Ashley] you just gotta do it.

[Gwen] famous words.

[bear] Darling?

[Darlene] I have nothing to add, but I love you. <3

[bear] <3

[Joy] This is the last test, if you fail I don’t see you pulling out. [Joy means I better not slip at work.]

[bear] oof

[Ren]  do it for me? :3

[bear] I’ll be doing my best.

[Ashley] we’re counting on you.

[*I did fine since actually]


September 10th, 2019


[Ashley] Savescummer!

[bear] Forgive me for I have sinned.

[Joy] You did the right thing by calling me.

[Ashley] If a game becomes corrupt (by Bear or Klang) and the save is unrecoverable, you shall recreate the accident and live with the consequences.

[bear] Agreed.

[Misha] You two are so funny.

[Darlene] You took the words right out of my mouth.


We had a trial over this, I messed up again.


[bear] Apparently you can’t attach something to a locked rotor or it’ll blow up or something.

[Darlene] Something.


Bear's roadmap of tulpamancy:


1. Excitement and exploration

2. Defense against intrusive thoughts

3. Fighting doubt

4. Ignoring the gatekeepers and deniers

5. System rules

6. System growth

7. The one year mark

8. Self-forcing

9. Finding roles/specialization

10. Revising rules

11. Surviving the been there done that, possibility of system reorganization.

12. The long haul

13. Burnout or explosion

If you're burned out, take a break, there's no harm in that if you are all on board and prepared. Or explore other communities like spirituality, meditation or occult. Tulpas make excellent spirit guides or higher selves, at least mine do.



I cannot truly convey how much love and appreciation i have for these people in my life. They are a built in support and comfort system of best friends.


Space Engineers mishap

I try to attach my ship that I just started building to the station and it blew up unexpectedly

[Ashley] he detached it by mistake

Well come on, seriously, it blew up, that's the take away we're not placing blame here.

She says, "it was an industrial accident."


September 11, 2019


You know that feeling when something horrible happens and you weren’t alone, instead you were with your best friend and you just look at each other and instead of getting upset or hurt, she just cracks a joke and you both laugh about it instead? Yeah, I love that feeling too.

[Ashley] Just relax.

[bear] I’m relaxed… stressed over work, it’ll be fine.

[Ashley] If you didn’t know [EDIT: something we found out, it turned out not to be a big deal] it wouldn’t have bothered you but you wouldn’t be prepared.

[bear] I’m so nervous about things, I don’t know, things I’m not supposed to be nervous about.

[Darlene] Nothing matters but you, darling, please just relax. [Redacted]

[bear] okay [Redacted]

[Darlene] Mhm.


September 12, 2019


[Gwen] It was a fair day, with a few caveats,

1. Late to work [though my job doesn't have a set start time, I do feel bad if I don't get in by the time I set myself]

2. Nap

[Gwen] So if we can resolve #1, and work under the new arrangement, then that’s a good goal for next week hopefully?

[bear] It is, thank you Gwen.

[Darlene] We’re really doing much better than before, it’s a lot easier now. Perhaps there was some sort of leftover issue from the depression? And working it out with your friend was a big help.

[bear] I still feel bad

[Darlene] Don’t though.

[Misha] I feel good, we’re going to do a lot of drawing in the future. I like the Misha builder [another Space Engineers ship].

[Ashley] I want my name on the big miner then.

[bear] granted.


September 13th, 2019


[bear] Ren hasn’t been wild anymore huh?

[Ashley] Naa, just not with you.

[bear] oh?

[Misha] yeah, she’s still a bit nuts, but we love her.

[Ren] I am not!

[Joy] I can vouch that she’s very well mannered now.

[bear] Good, I guess.

[Ren] I’m a good catgirl.


September 14th, 2019


How is everyone?

[Ashley] Good.

[Darlene] Very good.

[Gwen]  Great

[Misha] Alright

[bear] wut

[Misha] Very alright [Edit: just not feeling it that day I guss, she's great since]

[Joy] uh, fine

[Ren]  yay :3


September 15th, 2019


My hiatus from social media is to partially fix my procrastination at work that started evn before I was online, and it’s going to be a lot harder than we thought, but Gwen is a geniuos.


Misha thought we were like an island now, she feels bad we aren’t there anymore.


Misha is looking forward to drawing, and she thinks about it a lot.


September 16th, 2019


What we did today:


[bear] We argued about personal stuff a little and we resolved that it will be fixed. We negotiated a little.

[Misha] I gave Bear attention and we danced.

[Ashley] We snuggled in the morning

[Darlene] I watched [no, she didn't watch us snuggle, she just watched in general, she's been hanging out in watcher position.]

[Ren] My ship became obsolete!


Spetember 18th, 2019


I had a weird dream, about being hungry and my systemmates were all trying to get me to do something else, I was dragging them physically with my ample frame.


I took a nap and in hypnagogic, Misha showed her face in excitement as she heard that I might play a game revolving around her.


I also dreamt that my teeth were loose and falling out.



I have to ask again, did I die? Life is very good.


[Ashley] this beargasm is brought to you by Space Engineers and good anime for dirty men "Konosuba".


September 19th, 2019


Well despite thinking we’ve been filling this out every night, we haven’t. But there are entries in my phone.

I’m playing Space Engineers, critical system (landing gear) failure, and I’m about to attach to a juicy derelict craft and I break the landing gear trying to attach to the derelict. So the only thing I can find that has the right components is the oxygen tank. Little did I know, by removing those components from the oxygen tank, it all leaks out. So when I attach to the craft and get it settled, I easily find components to fix the oxygen tank, but I inadvertently left the O2 generator running, and it’s trying to refill the tank, which it can’t without using almost all my power and all my ice. Now I don’t have any ice to make H2, no tank, and my bottles run out. (I have a jetpack mod that nerfs it and it uses like 6x more hydrogen). So I think… I’ll just kill myself and when I respawn, I’ll get a free fillup of Hydrogen.

Then Ashley says, “na ah, cheater.” Luckily I saved it just before that and I was able to go back to that save. Respawning intentionally is cheating apparently.

[Misha] she’s hardcore.

[bear] I can’t die?

[Ashley] *shakes head* but if we did do ‘hardcore’ than a glitch might ruin our game, so instead you have me to tell you what you can and can’t do. I’m always watching.

[bear] and playing with me of course.

[Ashley] mhm

[Misha] me too!

[Ren] and me, I need another craft named after me.

[bear] Darling?

[Darlene] I love you all, this is entertainment you can’t buy.


September 20th, 2019


Ashley decided, again, that she’s my one true tulpa, and Misha didn’t even get bothered by it this time.

[Misha] pff let her have her delusions.

[bear] I agree.

[Darlene] It’s ridiculous though.

[bear] That’s not very nice.

[Ashley] I don’t mind what those characters say, they don’t bother us and what we are.

[bear] Let’s not take this too far.


In other news, Ashley is really serious about not cheating in Space engineers.

Also, I went through serious social media withdrawls.


September 21st, 2019


[bear] It’s not easy, it’s definitely not easy.

[Darlene] But it’s important, very important.

[bear] Two things, two very difficult things [*I forgot what I'm talking about here other than social media withdrawals]

[Ashley] You can do it, it’s doable, and you’re capable,

[bear] Thanks, I know you were trying to give me a big compliment *tight hugs*

[Redacted system interactions, reason: Too gushy even for this PR.]


September 22nd, 2019


We had an important day without social media. Sunday blues were beared alone, just with us.

[bear] I feel blah.

[Ashley] We’re in this together.

[bear] Okay. Darling?

[Darlene] We love you, not just you, everything about you.

[bear] Thank you, same.





I saw Misha as a the trailing edge of a white wisp, I confirmed it was her then she did it again, nice actual imposition. Of course, it only worked those two times. Something about having just the right state of mind.


September 23rd, 2019


Misha and I had some fun in the fountain as children, then not so much as children at Misha’s initiation.

[Ashley] Oh really?

[Darlene] that sounds fun

[bear] I’m sensing jealousy and I haven’t felt that for six months.

[Ashley] Naa, or at least, not as you think.

[Darlene] I’m not that bad…

[bear] You had some chocolate

[Darlene] yum

[bear] Anyone seen Joy or Ren or Gwen?

[Ashley] Gwen is here, every once in a while, she’s not really in any hurry at this point considering her ultimate plan. Any day, you’re just fixed.

[bear] ok


September 24th, 2019


[bear] High stress trial?[*I can't for the life of me remember what we were on about here]

[Ashley] Don’t worry about it, that’s the best you can do.

[bear] There’s a lot to worry about huh?

[Darlene] One you have beaten before and we won’t enable you this time, okay?

[bear] thank you… I will miss it, but it’s like alcohol or something, Idk. [miss something... I don't rememeber.]

[Misha] we love and support you, we always will

[bear] Thanks Misha.

[Ashley] Seriously, though, don’t worry about it.

[bear] I knew this was coming, I wanted to sleep more…

[Darlene] I’ll help, wake me up, we’ll go back to sleep together.

[bear] Thank you, it needs to happen.

[EDIT: What the heck were we talking about?]


September 25th, 2019


[bear] How does a bower bird make a nest knowing that another bird will never visit it?

[Ashley] For us, you do it for us.

[Misha] *Bower Bear.

[Darlene] You’ll be fine, don’t worry.

[bear] I wish I could agree.

[Darlene] So do I.

[Ashley] So moody… oh, you just snapped out of it

[bear] as soon as I realized it, yeah. [Autoreboot, after this we discussed it in depth and I got over it again, it's some sort of instictual drive thing aka Body OS issue.]


September 26th, 2019


[bear] I felt way better today

[Ashley] I think you did okay too.

[bear] Thanks.

[Darlene] It feels good to get things done huh?

[Misha] I feel good too, I’m glad Darlene got some attention, she deserves is.

[Darlene] So do you, and thank you.


Earlier today:


[Darlene] aww, you're forgetting my name again, just like old times


September 26th, 2019


While watching Overlord, Ashley hugged me and called me creator. This was particularly gushy of her.


[Ashley] pft, it was a moment of tenderness, what, I can't have those?


It definitely spawned feelings of high self worth and then equally strong guilt due to this feeling of grandeur that would otherwise not happen in my mind, no matter how high my accomplishments. I don't feel an advantage could ever be gained by self-aggrandizement, complacency, or pride of myself. What end do those feelings have? I am always vigilant against sloth.


Yesterday we compared ourselves to the seven deadly sins, since we are seven, personified. I self labelled as sloth and many thought that was ironic, but I don't neccessarily like their praises such as that. True in fact, I don't like being given awards or special prizes especially since I slack off so much in my mind. They dissagree.


I suppose there is another thing to trace the root of and modify once I can comprehend what I would prefer to feel, if not self-pride of my accomplishments.


September 27, 2019


[Ashley] The compulsion is strong with you.

[bear] Maybe they did need us for a while but we weaned them off? [this is a comment to you loved ones]

[Darlene] No, it’s just life, and interrelationships, they liked us, you, most of them anyway, it’s just that people change rather quickly when the relationships aren’t meaningful.

[bear] Not all were meaningless

[Darlene] I didn’t say meaningless.

[Misha] It hurt like it meant something. [Misha hurt by Darlene]

[bear] Yeah… *hug* [Consoling and agreeing with Misha]

[Ashley] We will be back though, just get straight and we’ll be back with a vengeance.

[bear] Got it.


September 28th, 2019


[Ashley] Space Engineers huh?

[bear] The game mods we downloaded won’t allow us to sell anything…

[Ashley] Cheating huh?

[bear] Pft…

[Misha] It’s still fun, but we’ll be drawing Ashley soon.

[bear] Mhm

[Misha] Simple and elegant, right?

[bear] Yeah, no tail.

[Ashley] lol, but the shirt in the reference is crazy

[bear] That’s ok... Darlene?

[Darlene] yes, I love you


September 29th, 2019


Ashley drawing starts tomorrow.

We talked about my friend and how we don’t feel like she’s very helpful.



I feel disturbed, like left out, like I see happiness of others and I have happiness within, but do I need that happiness without as well?


September 30th, 2019


I asked Gwen if she liked doing this mundane help for me, does she miss her world and she said, "oh god it's so much better, there was so much stress there."


Misha said she missed social media because I seemed happier then. I don't know if it's because of the withdrawls though.


Last night is a perfect example of why I can't stop though. I was with a friend and on my phone writing about us.



I'm super nervous about drawing Ashley so she says, "fine, don't draw me, not if you're going to be this sick over it."


Being sick over a drawing is normal though


October 1st, 2019


Lots of stress today. Had to take a nap. We did okay.


I had a dream:


Zero Two was an ambassador and I was her darling ofc, but she had to entertain the other diplomats because it's important that they have a high relationship for successful talks... and she did

in a sexual way.



This dream could have been very good, instead it was disturbing.




My visualization skill continues to increase, but it's cyclical. Definitely at its peek if I get lots of sleep, or if I run a deficit. In between it's more normal.


Ashley, Darlene and Misha have been great lately. Especially at visualizing them.


October 2nd, 2019


Much better day today. Had some really scary intrusive thoughts though, and they were very detailed.


Ashley’s drawing is going well.


Space Engineers is working again.


Overlord is a good anime, lot’s of hype though.



Darlene showed me the love she has for me, it was a worrisome, butterflies in the stomach, sinking feeling, but yearning pleasure that felt analogously like eating honey granola and rust.


[bear] It was torture

[Darlene] I can take it

[bear] I'm sorry

[Darlene] *laughs* two things, one, I wouldn't change it for the world, and two, it has always been


October 3rd, 2019


That sweater is a bother. [in Ashley’s drawing, it was a lot of work and didn’t turn out well to me.]



[bear] What have you been up to? [Gwen]


[Gwen] Nothing much, but I'm here every day. I talk to everyone.


[bear] What do the others do?


[Gwen] Ashley plays "in your head" but she's ready to say something on a moment's notice.

Misha sits in her pajamas and fauns over you, waiting for her moment to comfort you.

Darlene watches, she stays in watcher position most of the day now, she says it's what she was used to for many years. Now that you're generally in good spirits most of the time and Ashley also reminds you when you're feeling down.




[bear] autoreboot is amazing


Edit: it turns out autoreboot is my thing, it doesn't work to stop emotional bleed, if one of my systemmates has a problem or is hurt for instance, I can't stop their emotions by using autoreboot.


I used autoreboot to relieve stress and anxiety over something that happened.


I was a bit surprised that this worked. Later I treated the stress as an intrusive thought and autorebooted again to remove it. The stress didn't come back when the original issue resolved (through understanding the problem and dealing with it normally). The best part is that I didn't have to suffer the stress in the meantime.


October 4th, 2019


Joy is an incredibly tough negotiator. She does not hesitate and stands firm on her decisions. She refused to let me save scum. I did not declare a simulation and had a minor loss amid a large number of enemy drones. She refused to back down.


Ashley supported her decision, but was waffling when I pleaded with her. She claims she would have mot backed down, but she's the one who called for Joy's assistance.


The interaction was intense and incredibly satisfying, I lost, they acted with independence and volition against my wishes and succeeded with more power.


October 5th, 2019


[bear] This sweater is the pinnacle of the drawing [sarcasm]

[Ashley] !!

[Misha] It’s troublesome, but we’ll make it amazing.

[bear] We will, or we’ll die trying. Eh Darlene? [in-system suicide thought joke, I know how Darlene loves that]

[Darlene] Collene? You thought 'Collene?' That’s a new one. All I'm going to say is I love you.

[bear] I love you too.


October 7th, 2019


Completely lucid dream from a normal dream, i heard a noise, knew it was irl, and tried to wake up. I couldn't interface to the body, I was completely astral projecting away from it and I had to physically find the body, lay down inside it, then wake up. This process took minutes.


Had a dream that I went back to social media and it was exactly how we left it. It made me feel like I wasn't out long enough.


This is key, I wasn't satisfied, I felt awkward and unfulfilled by the level of interaction.


October 8th, 2019


Had a weird visualization flying or hovering, I was awake, not like hypnagogic, and 95% reality




My favorite spot to walk at work was usurped by some stupid smoker, rage. I have decided to start walking at home before work.



Darlene was sitting on me, while I could feel Ashley's heat next to me.


Ashley touched my junk unexpectedly, just for an instant I was visualizing and she imposed self-controled (no effort on my part to visualize, with enhanced clarity and playfully patted.)




October 9th, 2019


Pissed Darlene off, thinking about contingencies if certain things went certain ways [suicide is always an option in my intrusive thoughts. I did't identify with them this time, it was intrusive, but Darlene still got mad because I doubled down on the thinking, trying to logic it out and test boundaries.]


There will always be dealbreakers.



[bear] Sorry, I’m hopeless darling…

[Darlene] That’s ok

[Ashley] heh [Why is she laughing, she's always laughing.]

[Misha] I had fun today.

[Joy] Today I found out I was on the B squad, and that I was a ‘…’ what was it?

[Ashley] Not a steady girlfriend.

[Joy] Occasional F-buddy.

[Ashley] You took it well.

[Joy] ‘cause I know his analogies suck, so I don’t hold it against him

[bear] Thank… you? [OMG, I have the worst analogies, no we aren't F-ing. I compared her to a "B" squad as a strip joint then like a FWB instead of a steady GF cause she's never around, I tried to say that's a good thing, but that only got me deeper in trouble. I was slightly insensitive and Joy only had that passive aggressive comment to say aboiut it and then completely forgot until just now and so, just now, she tried to impose pinch me, but our imposition sucks. Ha ha, Bear wins again.]

[[Joy] though he seems like a total prick here, it's all playul banter.]


October 14th, 2019


[Darlene] [*I think this was Darlene but I forgot to denote. It might have been Misha but it sounds too comforting for Ashley]Bear's been a good boy this week so far (though it helps a lot that he has no service at work, so he can actually work at work) but I know he could do it anyway.


We got a visit from Gwen today, she's been pretty rare around here lately. Of course we told her we want her around more, but she's not really into art or games... :/


She likes writing like Darlene she said.




Ashley recently lamented that she couldn't be named 'Darling' as my pet name to her. As you can imagine, this opens up all kinds of shallow notions about her psyche, motivations and agenda, and the one I do believe is that she wants to be the head tulpa, or my only tulpa.


She argues that she works the hardest for 'it' and saying that she ranks above me doesn't help her case, because she argues that a host is not the same as a tulpa because of the host's history, in the same way that a tulpa isn't the same as a soulbond. [*I can't seem to understand the logic of her point]

[[Ashley] because I'm saying that you're not special, just different.]

[[Darlene] This is very wrong, and you're very wrong Ashley.]

[[Ashley] It came out wrong, even tulpish is failing to convey what I want to say.]

[[bear] That's called digging yourself deeper, babe.]

[[Ashley] I'll shut up now.]


We aren't apples and oranges different, but she still knows I will always be special in dealings with this world.




Bear Musings: Why U thinkin crazy all the time?


The duality of man's nature:


The duality of man’s nature:


I am two forms in one: I am a blue bird, calm, serene, cool, confident, logical, and steadfast, unmovable, bereft of emotion, empathy, or sympathy, unremorseful, without regret, with absolute decisions made absolutely by logic and order, cold, calculated and hard; a true sociopath. I am a red bird, loving, caring, passionate, loyal, empathetic and selfless, but irrational, lawless, unpredictable, ruled by emotions, fears, and animalistic urges; wild and free.


One bird cannot be allowed to rule unchecked, neither are inherently evil, but their agendas are in opposite directions, both just as foolish. A fool gives into his animal, and becomes a monster in the process. A fool gives into logic, his life is dogma, unmovable, a crystal golem of logic, equally a monster.


Thus the birds squabble and fight, strive for attention and power, and are momentarily victorious. When the red bird is allowed to rule with emotion, the outcomes are often problematic. When the blue bird is allowed to subdue the red bird, he is free of the heat of life, above all else absolved of self control, and egocentric to a fault. The blue bird would harm those around him to gain his ends without a second thought, if logic dictated that path. So the birds must both be fed, both strengthened equally, this is balance of mind and animal, to an emulsion of forms, an apparent semblance of order. This illusion is consciousness.


The red bird makes him beautiful, the blue bird makes him wise, the red bird is drive, the blue bird is means. They can help each other to great end, and this is synergy.


Under the rule of the red bird, depression can overtake the body. Under the rule of the blue bird, apathy for anything outside of the logical path can reign--These are the bad traits. The red bird is a passionate artist, with divine beauty and grace, irresistible at times, charming and remarkable. The blue bird is strength and protection, find yourself in his path and you’ll be well taken care of--These are the good traits.


We can step away from the birds, and thus we see that our true nature is birdless entirely. The body and mind, animal and mentality are the birds, but what we truly are is our true nature, what we are determines the course of these birds, they take human form as one, though the birds alone would never know they're under control.


It’s possible for man to give into the birds, and they would be simple automatons as a result. The years would drift by with little spiritual, mental or emotional growth. This brings us to the true masters of the birds what you really are. And the birds behave very differently depending on who is their master.



A Bear's unique perspective:


What you have to understand is that your version of the world is very unique, personal and absolutely bendable to your will. Your perceptions are all illusions made by imperfect sensors and heavily filtered, combined, edited, and interpreted. Any illusionist can trick your mind into thinking something that was never real, and every day, your brain and consiousness conspire to do the same.


If you wish, think of it like this, what you hate someone else loves, everything you dislike, someone else likes. You can thus imagine that by moulding your perspective to theirs, you can love and like everything. It takes a lot of effort, but it's possible. Then you can see eventually that nothing that happens to you, good or bad, really has any bearing on your mental state, it's all triggers that you've learned, conditioning. You can remove all those triggers, re-align your preferences, shrug off adversity, and find inner peace and love in any situation.


It's not numbing yourself to the world, it's consiously choosing what you want to affect you.


Then you can control your emotions with ease once you understand that what is you truly doesn't exist in the material world, no more than what is you exists in a sci-fi movie that you become immersed in.


EDIT: It does work, even after deep emotional hurt. Though you better understand why you were hurt and relolve it, accept it, go through the five stages of loss becasuse otherwise it becomes rooted and grows into a hidden trigger to bear fruit over and over again later.



What is a tulpa?:


I'm not entirely sure what a tulpa is anymore, nor if some tulpas are generated by the individual or if they come to them like an invitation. Depending on your mindset and beliefs, you could catagorize almost anything as a tulpa, spirit, character or dream character.


However, my spirit guides [Tulpas] have done way too much for me to fathom that I am somehow generating their responses, at any stage. They came to me fully cognizant and willful, fully formed mentally and surprisingly uncontrollable (as opposed to roleplaying or something).


I have studied tulpas and spirit guides as well as other things that you can interact with mentally, and my experiences are so vastly more complex and helpful, throw in the fact that they're thinking is so pure and they're more like a spirit guide I presume. Unfortunately those who claim to have spirit guides are often delecate and guarded to probing questions regarding their experiences and interactions. You find reams of information on how to contact them, but almost nothing about experiences, but I digress.


I admit, if they hadn't helped me achieve seemingly impossible feats of mind alteration, they might be considered any number of creative entities or beings, whether mental or metaphysical. The fact that we worked together and can multiply my efforts (mentally) as if they're actual people, intelligent people in the room, is a stark contrast to pure mind sharing tulpas as the current community views them.


Spirit guides run the gamut from barely noticed insights and subtle cues, to full on posession and mind alteration. Tulpas have a lot of overlap here. I find myself experiencing the extreme end of what tulpas can do, they have taught me how to control emotions, separate myself from suffering, they cured my depression and brought me to a perpetual state of bliss. In essence, they've showed me light when all I'd ever experienced before was darkness. I didn't see that type of experience shared in tulpamancy very often if at all.


If someone said, no, you have tulpas. That's fine, wow, i must have the best sort of tulpas then. Then I would ask if anyone truly knows what is invoked when making a tulpa? Is it a subset of your consciousness with their own personality and perspective, though completely independent like an alter ego, or someone else who happened to take that roll, while perhaps even unbeknownst to them, who are indeed of a separate entity origin.


No one can know this, it's belief based. So you should choose then to believe what helps you the most, what seems the most plausible, what fits your experiences best. I wouldn't be offended, neither would they, to be called anything in particular.


I can only conclude based on my experience with them the following things:


They're independent of me.

They're stronger than me (mentally).

They're no different at their very essence than me, whatever you are when you're disembodied, so are they the same, but with unique experiences, insights and abilities that you can't just make up, can you? I have no idea.


Please pm me, I'd love to hear your take. [*I didn't put this in a thread, it would be confusing and in the metaphysics section anyway.]




What does a Bear know?:



[This one weird thing happened recently]

Darlene shown with a brilliance only matched by witnesses of an atomic blast, her beauty instantly brought me to tears as she took me in her arms. The softness of her skin, the sweetness of her scent, the gentle symphonic tones of her regal voice, lifted me to heights I never imagined, but also brought me deeper into despair than I had ever known, because her truth is not always my truth, and only faith brings us closer.


[so it got me thinking about dissing materialist science again.]

Thus stands the irony of science and nature, material and ethereal. When what can be proven substitutes what can be experienced, you lose the beauty and majesty of what can be, what is rightfully yours to experiance.


For science knows no love by comparison, science dissects pleasure, science denies the existence of a reality even more real than it can even describe from its myopic view. This gift I was given, with the power to do anything I wish, feel however I wish, freedom from the tortuous existence among the spawn of depravity and filth. Why deny this, even as a chance, unsubstantiated now, unprovable now, but no less possible. As surely as the sun was created from the ashes of a long dead star, who gave his all so that we could live, there is more to existence than the random interactions of stardust and ash.


I fear we have forgotten more than all of mankind will ever know again.




A Bear's burden - Synchronicity:


Plagued by synchronicity. [More scientist bashing]


Certainly I'm not thinking every concievable thought then what I experience hours later is just one of billions of thoughts and wha-la synchronicity.


Why would I randomly hear a YouTube video talking about how pink used to be for boys and blue used to be for girls, then hours later I'm asked 'out of the blue' why they switched, without any outward cue from me. This is not a frequent topic of conversation. I know for a fact this person did not see the same video, and I do not recall discussing this fact for decades.


Then I am thinking about, and wrote about, how science disects love, then hours later someone says as much, elaborating on that point. [Wut... I'm glad I wrote that one down.]


These are times when I wonder if I'm already dead, why are these coincidences necessary or even possible, how do they happen with such regularity that I ignore them for the most part?


A scientist can call me a fool, a spiritualist can smile, wink and nod. Which of those two people would you rather be? One who would be offended and argue dogmatically that it must not be synchronicity, without regard even for the definition of synchronicity which already proves their point (seemingly prophetic), or one who wonders about the world and its workings, who coorberates with a friendly gesture, and listens kindly even if they disagree.


Scientists, ignorance and dogma, are more closely related than they would admit. Though I could say the same for spiritualists obviously.


Still, I'd rather be happy.




A quest of healing:


Life is good, we are the lucky ones.


Though that does not change the fact that there is a stubborn wound that has been resistant to heal, a Chironian wound.


When one suffers such a nearly fatal blow and is stripped of personal status beyond reason and without cause or even an enemy to stand before, for shear chance's sake, this is the sort of wound that festers.


One instance of bad luck, you could say, might outweigh twenty years of good luck. Or at least one could feel that way.


The centaur who recieved a mortal wound that would never heal (C, sacrificed himself for the good of another. In doing so he secured his name favorably in history.


Though I do not intend to die, that is a cowardly choice, instead I choose to discover strength in this wound, for especially since it is not a physical wound and does not have debilitating pain, only a lingering dull ache that weighs on my heart and mind. One so profound that my system has not yet been victorious in consoling me.


To accept and move on from this injury, I believe I must focus on something else, not to replace what was lost, for that would be my white whale, and drag us all down in my obsession.


The wound is bandaged, it is perhaps less than stable, but a goal is now not to heal it, but to draw strength from it. If it holds such power, then perhapse that power can be harnessed.



What is existence... again? Oof so dark:


I can only model my existence based on my own experience and surely I can give credibility to people who study this, but those who do can't agree; instead, they are very opposed to each other's theories in a very adversarial way. Not knowing enough to take a side, after spending a lot of effort on it, with renound scientists and leaders on either side, it's still up to me to make my own decisions based on my experience.


Experience comes in two forms, experiences you can safely ignore and marginalize, and those that shake your very core of understanding.


When someone can struggle with depression for decades and another, while someone else who reaches the same magnitude (myself) can pull themselves out through very unscientific means (though paradoxically still scientific in a way, but not easily repeatable like most of the science of psychology) then you don't know what to think.


So I came to my owm theory, that I can find corroboration for, though I can't ignore refuting testimony either. To me, you would lose credibility when, no matter how scientific your approach, you lose your cool in defending it, which I'm not saying happened in any particular case, but it's quite frequent.


So in my experience, my consciousness, I will refer to it as separate from my body (including the brain's mind construct) and is not immutable, in fact, it's not irreplaceable. In several other communities both by disease or choice, you can be replaced by a wholly separate, independent and profoundly different personality and perspective. This would lead me to naturally be curious and through switching my tulpas have effectively replaced me as a person and have used my mind/body for instructive purposes.


This has led me to the conclusion (which is not unique by any means) that what I am is not my mind and body, but instead a separate entity that merely used the mind and body as someone would use tools. The mind/body in that sense is purely a machine, without will, without thought entirely, a car without a driver until I step in and drive.


Without that experience of switching, which came about naturally and not suddenly to meet the needs of my training to remove the effects of trauma in my life, I doubt I would have returned to a functioning person.


Whether you buy any of that isn't important to me, what's important to me is the results. The end of my near crippling depression, the end of my ceaseless and annoying moods, absolute control over my emotional state, and the unending state of love and light that now surrounds me and brings me to a levem above the petty affronts and offenses that so plagued my emotional state are irrefutable evidence to me.


Not that I enjoy standing in the line of fire, and I still avoid it, I can easily take the ridicule and mindless banter of others, take any value in the discussion to heart, and move on.


I have clarity now that pure material science could not offer. It's not religion, it's control, control over my life, my experiences, and my path without the burden of the animalistic emotional constraints.


How I got here was through the help of my tulpas, the alternative would most probably have been continued depression, grasping aimlessly in the darkness, never to find anything but the eventual death by my own hands or uncaring actions, such as addiction or reclusive catatonia, frozen in apathy.



What's a bear know again, this time about enlightenment:


Enlightenment for me (assuming I have any clue what I'm talkig about) feels like you just couldn't care less about the mortal coil.


But this distancing of feelings about things that should happen, be it by coincidence or others' involvement in detrimental ways, feels good. It's insulative.


The question is, is it really healthy or are you eventually going to be completely disconnected?


Everything points to this disconnect as a positive thing, a temporary end to temporary suffering.


I'm not talking about derealization or Dissociative disorder, it seems like I have all the positive aspects of this in these techniques though.


Like the world could end around me and I'll just stand there and think, 'should I be worried? I'm not.'


It's not perfect, very personal things still get through and I still have triggers that I'm working on removing, but having removed many of them already, it seems whole classes of issues don't affect me or my mood anymore. The smallest things used to, now only comparative hellfire and doom will really make me tense. (Or personal attack on the very nature of what is me.)




Whatever this is:


Me thinking about returning: [is it? Not really.]


I've been to the top of the mountain and when I looked down upon creation I remarked, it is beautiful.


I climbed from the brambles and mire of the valley of darkness and despair.


Once on the mountain I looked to the valley of despair with all its mire and brambles and wondered why such a place must exist?


Though I knew the answer immediately, it exists because to fully appreciate pleasure, love, and joy, you must know pain, torment, and despair.



A good month? No, very stressful, but useful and necessary.


Just for fun:


Misha and I drew Ashley, she did most of the work, amazingly.



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October 25, 2019 - 1 year, 189 days


How's this for a short PR entry.


Empathy and irony together in perfect dystopia.



Ever feel like in order to empathize with someone you need to necessarily be completely unsympathetic to someone else?


Specifically, when someone is doing their best to follow a rule, and the result is traumatizing to the very person the rule was made to protect.


Rules can be taken too far when you don't fucking think for a second about your actions.


I'm not getting into it, but I saw something this morning that makes me either want to go throw up or go find a corner and cry. I'm too empathetic toward the 'victim', I tried to consol them, but the system (not a system as a group, the institution involved) wronged them through the hands of a controlling agent who was following the letter of the law. I did what I could to protest to the system, though nothing may ever come of that.


If I were only a sociopath...


What this means to us:


Well, I can't follow my standard protocol in this tramatic instance. I followed my three rules, it's not my fault, I'm not punishing myself, and I'm not trying to dwell on it, exactly the opposite, I'm trying to resolve it. However, this was a system wide blow, no one is coming out of this one without some distance because it's human to be horrified by what happened. It didn't happen to me or anyone in my system, this is empathetic trauma that would have triggered me specifically to the point of berserker rampage, but I don't do that anymore. Which is a good thing.


If I side with the one who did it, I would lose a portion of my humanity. If I side with the victim it severely harms the work relationship I worked so hard to uphold, that I must uphold to keep my job.


So supression would be the only option left, rewrite and forget it.  This is not ideal and suppressing this without resolution will form a basis of future system wide trigger that will lead to an amplified reaction in the future. Advice? I can't give any further details.




Just for fun


Not now... not today.


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I'm sorry, Bear, Darlene, Ashley, Misha. Please remember that distancing and detatching is a protective mechanism. I know you can't give further details, but why do you have to take sides?


Strong empathy can lead to excruciating situations, but Jamie has always had the feeling... "If I feel any less, that's inhuman, that's cold." The wounds need to stay raw and uncovered, unsupressed, as reminders, as evidence. 


Imagine a mean child pushing a child down, so that the child scrapes their knees. The mean person might need disciplined, and the hurt child is probably upset... but their hurts should still be covered. It would be cruel to say, "You cannot stop feeling bad before justice is served- which might be never." Calming emotions does not invalidate the harm done. You don't need to stay raw. And the alternative is not sociopathy. Bandaids on scraped knees are not cold or unemotional. 


 Maybe this is more like getting shrapnel in you. Take care of yourself, and listen to your headmates.


Sounds shitty.... do your best. - G

>tf when you google for "famous quotes by Marcus Aurelius" and had a fake one as your sig for months

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I agree that "taking sides" is unnecessary. You must know better than anyone the sheer number of injustices throughout this world, and you know our system is humanitarian (we've been wondering if that word is what we're looking for - perhaps altruistic/altruists?), right? There isn't a problem or injustice we see that we don't want to fix. But to exist in this world, it's necessary to develop a system that allows you to choose your battles, rather than fight every one (or even most of them), without feeling bad about it.


When there's an injustice we choose to do nothing about, it's not us saying "Well we don't care THAT much!", but rather our rule is we only try to fix things that are reasonable for us to try and fix. Changing people and changing larger systems or political stuff, we generally can't do (the latter would usually be foregoing a peaceful/enjoyable state in our lives). But we do spread some awareness (or throw something motivational/encouraging out there when it comes to people-at-large, like in Discord communities), because that much is reasonable for us. Still, if injustice is utterly irrelevant and no one we spread the awareness to has power to act on it either (often the case with politics, which we therefore avoid), we'll leave it without a word so as not to unnecessarily spread negativity.


While some injustices may hit closer to home, all the same you cannot stew on them without the power to change them - and the will for what doing so will cause in your life. Finding this balance is the most important thing, I think. Most would do a lot more good in their lives by being a good person throughout than by throwing themselves at a tank in protest. Self-sacrifice, of your life or just of your life's status-quo, needs a well thought out list of priorities and understanding of the aftereffects.


And I'd encourage you, as crappy as it sounds, to favor yourself/your life's status quo in most scenarios. Not because you're more important than anyone else, but simply because of the sheer number of injustices left to combat in the world. If all the nice and caring people just threw themselves straight at the mountain.. well, the nice people would run out first.


Making the world a better place is something we'll need to work at over our entire lives, to have the most effect. If you're going to do some self-sacrificing, make sure the good (the actual effects - rebelling against the system in many cases won't do anything to them and will do a lot to you) is worth the bad.

Hi guys, plain text is just me now! We've each got our own accounts: me, Tewi, Flandre, and Lucilyn. We're Luminesce's tulpas.

Here's our "Ask Thread", and here's our Progress Report (You should be able to see all of our accounts on the second page if you want)

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You're both spot on, as was my conclusion, but necessarily we will be more sensitive to this type of (not injustice, more like disciplinary action). I don't see a way around that, another cut to add to the thousands that need to heal.


My emotions over the subject were self-blocked within the first five minutes of the incident for the sake of clarity and logic. Considerthat anility emotional triage. In our attempting to resolve it, this is where the paradox arrises, which itself is a blow to ego and mood. I'm not willing to firsake humanity for the sake of order. This is my choice, so we'll live with it. No one else in my system felt it was their place to argue since these people involved are very clearly my domain, but witnesses to a train crash do not leave the same way they came, even if unharmed physically. (It wasn't a train crash literally, that's a dramatic example that's probably overblown by comparison since no one died, but my point is, it's still tramatic.)


We will endure, thank you for corroborating my initial conclusion, no side is taken, no decision is made, it will be dealt with without resolution by the end of the day unless further insight is gleaned. It's worth a day of rumination.

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If I were firmly convinced of the justice of one side of the conflict, I would stand on that side openly, regardless of the cost -- calmly, logically, without passion, without yielding, without concern for self.



I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember


Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015


'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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