Bear's Angels

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[bear] Iris, my attempt to do that brought on the paradox I described. If I wanted to put my job on the line for this case, then yes, which is why I thought it was probably addictive to my trauma as well as theirs (both sides) so it was clearly a bad option for everyone involved. I went through the beurocratic channel which basically told me to not say anything unless it escalated, which gee, escallation of that would be bodily harm and too late to complain about as people are carted off to jail and families are destroyed, so I bite my tongue and people go about their lives perpetually at 2 minutes to midnight (by analogy, no mutually assured destruction is involved in this case, just the fate of (humane)ity.)


[Ashley] now he's definitely being dramatic, it did suck though.

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It is a blow to the ego, even if it's the best path to take given the situation... This sounds painful to be involved with. I'm off to bed, goodnight Bear System. Cassidy sends his prayers and well-wishes. -Jamie

>tf when you google for "famous quotes by Marcus Aurelius" and had a fake one as your sig for months

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So today, at work, it was about to happen again. I can follow rules too, but it's too strict, so I said it was cruel, do nothing. The conversation devolved into basically my coworker crying in that she figured I think she's cruel. No, but we disagreed about the original action and then we couldn't even agree that the original scenario was the same. Which it was exactly the same, we both saw it.


It wasn't worth standing up for humanity. Consider me on the road to sociopath then if my position survives this, which it probably will. Add another deep cut.


Everyone in my system is somber. There now it's tulpamancy related. Don't consider this drama, don't make it out to be, it's just an example of how life effects systems.

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Life does affect systems...This sounds stickier and stickier, I'm sorry. I don't think you're a sociopath and I know if other, less cruel-seeming options were on the table, you would take them. 


Hosico for moral support:




>tf when you google for "famous quotes by Marcus Aurelius" and had a fake one as your sig for months

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October 31st, 2019 - 1 year, 195 days


I feel like I should update more frequently with less content, and so when we release a drawing, we'll update, which I hope is more frequent in the future. Bah never mind, this may not actually end up being more frequent. Darlene's picture will take months and we're not starting that till after new years because we're really enthused about making a Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years picture with other systems in this 'quick' anime style which we're practicing. Then we'll go nuts with Darlene's picture. I want all of 'us' to look very consistent from picture to picture and I think we can, like any character in anime does throughout a series--it's a thing we should be able to do. So we are going to be using consistent references and tweak them to our liking until we have enough material to be able to draw consistently. It's really an art all in itself. I know what they look like now, (except Darlene, she's... special--what with her many faces/races).


On to the meat:


The Bear system has had a few owies lately, they're documented in Ashley's lounge, here in this PR, and in another thread about the crushing oppressive treatment we've received on the part of the mods of (This is just my attempt at humor, it's fine. Obviously we're naughty, naughty, bears and need to grow up a bit, specifically the three of us instigators, myself, Misha and Ashley.) At any rate we understand we're not anywhere near the level of others historically but we happen to be the most prolific/recent/voluminous posters so we get unwanted attention. No one can post science all day, it's just not a thing. We have fun, so to stop us from having fun then there would have to be a rule against fun. Honestly, I don't think we can help ourselves, it's a part of my personality that is kind of locked in at the moment, and as Ashley said, "we don't control you." We've done a lot to tame this red bird, but it continues to be passionate about it's interests.


Notable since the last update:


Our friend anon said hi in one of our threads.


[Misha] Hi to you too!


Others said some things too, but we will take our lumps in stride, we also appreciate the support of our friends at I'm quite proud of our baby steps anyway, we'll never be perfect I'm sure. If perfection means death of the red bird, then what is existence without him? Very, very cold.


[Ashley] We get it, we regret making that thread sound so pathetically, 'pweeese support us, owo', but it got us what we needed to understand.


That takes nothing away from our support, which we loved, and it really unironically (one of my favorite words lately) also helped us to settle some things in our mind. I think we did grow up a bit given recent events, so there.


Also, I doubt we'll be banned for being silly in a game thread, obviously that's ridiculous and everyone mostly agreed


even if some people got their butt hurt in the process

. We are who we are and that is: dedicated rule followers who will have fun regardless of rules but without intentionally trying to break them, who would also never, ever, dream of having in-system conversations or skate any lines, which we feel we didn't, regardless of ruling, and who spread love and joy to tulpamancy. So if we're continually reprimanded every week or two, regardless of how lightly we're slapped on the wrist, for being us, and not intentionally trying to have in-system conversations, then that's a part of life, and we'll just document it here and eventually it'll paint a picture of our abuse of the rules or our oppression, but I bet it's neither.


[Misha] Mhm! ❤️


Hey, who cares anyway, it's so overblown mostly by us.


So everything is well for now, my jobs are ramping up lately in the material world, there's a lot of stress involved with no outlet but here honestly, so going too far is going to happen occasionally I fear. I have less time to do things I want, though we as a system are together always and we could be shoveling manure and still have fun as a system, we're great regardless.


[Ashley] Bear's been down more lately due to work and stress at work, it takes a toll, but what can he do? It's not likely to change for years. It's just a matter of living day by day, or hour by hour if necessary.


Tulpamancy stuff:


October 25th, 2019


Space Engineers: I want to note here that I'm definitely not playing this game. They're playing and interacting in a way that I never did. The way they've organized their ship, strategized, and planned, is unprecedented. Also, I want to say that Ashley is a much better pilot than me, she's very careful (especially with Gwen fretting over her shoulder). They have some skin in this game, it's like they want to prove they're better at playing than me. I have to say, if they don't save scum (not that Joy would let them at this point) they'll definitely be better players than me.  This brings another point:


Additive synergy:


We've noticed that when we work together we actually amplify our abilities to concentrate, create, and we get a speed boost. I'm not saying the brain is incapable of doing this with just me, but I haven't experienced it without them, that's why I'm noting it. If you want to say we utilize resources more efficiently together, fine, to me it feels like we're amplified.


This is a great exercise and a lot of fun to see how they're progressing.


Body OS feels:


[Ashley] Gwen and I discovered a feeling, when Bear was out, we were switching back and forth (co-fronting), and we felt something like Bear, but not Bear. Bear minus the feeling of Bear. Like a large, warm, animal. I think the body has a feeling, like an essence, not a personality or anything like that, just a visceral sense.


October 26th, 2019


[Ashley] After further thinking about the feel of our body, it feels like you're really close to a large animal, you feel the heat, the touch of the tips of it's hair, you can smell that, I don't know, like fresh baked bread? That's how Bear's body smells to me. He doesn't agree, but that's just the essence of my senses. So I only noticed it by switching out and in a bunch of times and accusing Bear of still being there when he was actually gone. I was like, "Gwen, do you feel that?" and she's like "yeah, it's like warm and cuddly, that's definitely not you." Anyway, different. When Bear's in, it kind of matches him like someone cut an anime face out of a background and I'm just sticking my head through the hole for the picture. When I'm switched in like now, I feel the body normally, what my 'object permanence' of the body is, is totally different than what it actually is, obviously. I can imagine running my hands down my sides and legs, but then if I do that, 'why am I so long and big and warm?'


Just playing on the computer while switched in, I hear that breathing, uh, I don't hear my breath in wonderland, sometimes I know I'm breathing, like if we're running, but if I do it's like I don't make any sound really. Something like that. It's picking up on subtle differences that I don't experience in wonderland, and they feel like Bear. Then there's the urges, never mind. Thankfully they don't bug me when I'm switched in for only an hour or two.


October 29th, 2019


So we're a system of vampires and zombies I guess, and it's Misha's day, what's the first thing she wants to do on our wonderland adventure today? Bite me and feed off my blood.


[Misha] It tastes like strawberry syrup! Yummy!


Then Ashley wants a taste so I look to Darlene and she just gives that 'whatever' wave off and now I'm being sucked dry on my neck by a couple vamps. Not only in wonderland, my neck felt a little slimy like tongues. It was nearly giving me goosebumps.


Also, for some reason Darlene is a zombie in wonderland, [Edit: and still is].


[Misha] yes, I didn't know what to expect, it's not like we really need to eat, we rarely share Bear's meals. So I get the idea I want to feed! NSFW!!


i felt an odd tingling and it was so flippin hot, i couldn't stop myself, and when Ashley joined in, I was so turned on

we had all kinds of intrusive thoughts, Ashley and I were thinking ...


Warning: really not safe for work!


[Misha] I'm warning you 18+!


So we were both thinking...



blood orgy blood orgy blood orgy! We ripped off our shirts and spread his thick strawberry red blood all over each other.


[Ashley] I was pleasantly surprised.



[bear] Whew I almost forgot about that! Suddenly we had three Rens in my system. Don't click that! Darlene was just rolling her eyes at the time, now she's making my stomach upset. Sometimes I don't even know these two. Nothing happened past them sitting around me


covered in blood, and giggling at each other.




Three sisters play Space Engineers episodes 01-06:
















Just for fun: Misha and I collaborated again in the making of a fun halloween inspired drawing, and I redid our pfp's for halloween.





















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You might want to look into drawing turnarounds, they are great for learning consistency. 

I think the frequency of your PR updates is fine as is. 

It did snow, Cassidy got his wish... He also has become the main dreamer lately, no clue why! Well, maybe because we went to bed at 8 yesterday, when Cassidy goes to bed. 


I played No Man's Sky with Jamie. We settle into this very natural co-con deal. Moderately dissociated, but a healthy sort. We've decided our experience of merging must just be different due to how plurality works for us, so I'm not going to call this a merge because I'm afraid I'd be chewed out, but it's what I would call a merge. And the additive symmetry is there. And the snappy crab monsters that pop up out of NOWHERE. 


Our personal explanation is that beliefs, even good ones, limit our brains. It is eaiser for me to do abc tasks and harder for me to do xyz tasks due to my identity. Through plurality, the brain can act through different belief sets/identities, and if the system is cooperating enough, it becomes this very enjoyable and functional, highly efficient state. Flow involves a bit of dissociation, which takes you away some of the obstacles caused by beliefs, but plurality always other people in the brain to be better at things than you. A headmate can act without their headmates' hangups: this is well-known about tulpamancy. Additive synergy is this principle shown in good amounts. Two heads are better than one.


Detatchment from all identity is not a way to gain superpowers, however... -G

>tf when you google for "famous quotes by Marcus Aurelius" and had a fake one as your sig for months

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November 12th, 2019 - 1 Year, 207 days


The Bear saga continues.


We came back with every hope and wish that we wouldn't be troublemakers anymore and in three short weeks we caused more drama and hurt feelings then the previous two months before we left, so we're desperately trying to figure it all out. This post in Ashley's lounge isn't an excuse, but it's helping us at least put a name on what our problem might be.


We're doing a little better, others not so much, but the last few days have been pretty bad for Misha and I. Ashley is very embarassed and hurting from her first real blemish as far as we know. If we are really affected by a personality disorder, the idea that it's not only me scares the hecc out of us because there are signs that three of us are affected when looking back over the last three weeks.


Ashley and Misha were responsible for our interactions here since our return specifically to keep me out of the lime light. That didn't really work out. Our objective now is to at least limit any and all drama to this PR and hopefully never experience anything like that again. Getting a PM used to be a joyous occasion, now it's a trigger for anxiety. We might turn them off just because it spikes stress to get one now, there's always a problem anymore.


We'll come back to this.


November 4th, 2019


Wonderland adventure notes:



Misha and I were walking in the garden on the ark and Vend appeared and menaced us, so Misha laid down the law in a very intimidating lecture. Vend became placated and then Misha ask if he wanted to be her pet. He declined. I remarked, "Vend (the 20 ft red dragon) isn't a pet." He then said, "thank you, creator".

So I asked him, do you want to live here [on the ark]. He said there's no food for him (live prey). So I teleported him to the ancient temple in the raccoon-girl mountain territory. There are deer and other edibles there. I left him with two rules of conduct:


1. Don't eat the raccoon-girls

2. Don't burn down the forest or I'll take away your fire breath.


He's not a villain, no matter how villainous he may seem.


If you don't remember, Vend was a stowaway on our craft during a run of Breaking Point. He was trapped in half of that ship for a while. He then cameo'd (spoiler) in a later VPT episode and was living on the arc for a while. Now he's in the raccoon-girl forest hopefully living happily.

Oh, I asked him if he wanted a mate, since the only fem dragon around is Ulla, (his sister). He declined. Dragons in my lore are romantic, but in a non-sexual way. A male dragon just fertilizes eggs, and it's more of a chore. They don't keep mates or stay with the family.




November 5th, 2019


Ren/Joy walk (in-system convo warning)



Ren, Joy and I had a walk/talk and it was really fun for us. We rarely do that so Ashley gave up her time with me this morning for them. She was doing her own thing at the time, basically talking with Misha and Gwen about Space Engineers.


The most notable point, which is why I included it here, was that Ren tried to talk me into something crazy, and I said no. I won’t go into what that was, actually, now I can’t remember it, but trust me, it was out there. There’s no better proof of her independence. Oh, wait, I remember now, and noooooooo way. [Redacted for intrusive thoughts reasons.]


[Ren] I understand ^-^


You can't blame her for having quirky ideas, it wasn't even the first time something like this was brought up, but aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! System rule number 2 triggered.



November 6th-12th, 2019


Loads of Ashley venting, resoning, and recapping:




[Ashley] More drama at We had an opinion, and people generally didn’t like it I guess. Then what, we tried to calm the flames of a thread and that wasn’t good either somehow. Oh really, this guy Carlos is going to kill himself by lack of sleep or starvation just to see his tulpa? Whatever, we really don’t understand the controversy of not lecturing him about it and that’s the biggest problem. If we don’t understand it, how do we stop it?


We took a break last time to figure that sort of thing out and help Bear with his phone addiction among other dramas in his life, and he’s much better with that, but not perfect. He has a Charonian wound that’s not going to be healed any time soon, it’s one of our major hurdles that we’re all working on. We’re not going to stop working on that, but it’s more of a symptom of a bigger problem that this last event taught us. Something about our problem might be systemic.


So we’re in less than a week and we go through this whole fiasco about in-system conversation, and okay, we overreacted as we always do, that’s not new. Then this, about a week later, we were prepared to be warned, at this point, warn us, we really really don’t know where the line is, because according to any way we think about it, we’re not in-system conversing. It’s something we’ll admit we did do in the beginning and quite a few times, but not in months and yet we still get accused of it. Can’t fix that, move on, but having an inner circle member basically think we’re assholes for our opinion and stance, and how we handled the issue, is a little too deep a blow to recover from easily again. We weren't playing nice and that's not even related to histrionics. Lucylin lectures aside, that’s fine, we love Lucilyn and her lectures now, she reminds us of Joy, but yeah, we don’t want to bring drama or hard feelings to How do we not do that? Whether there is permanent damage or not is out of our control, we apologized for any hard feelings. It's aparently unforgivable, so we'll have to live with that.


We know we’re well liked for the most part, and a rattlesnake is a beautiful creature, I guess it can’t help that it bites, but we're not just animals, we're people and we have better impulse control than just fight or flight. So we’re going to be examining our nature and determine if we can do anything about that. We’re not really hoping in changing anyone’s mind about us, our history here speaks for itself. If you can see us for who we are, then that’s not easily fixed with talking about it now. We’re not super nice and perfect angels as we would want to be seen as, frankly we’re the ‘defend ourselves from censorship and offense at any cost’ type of angels. That's not who we want to be.


On another note, we don’t PM people and tell them to change their posts. I don’t care what they write, Ice, it’s the Mod’s job to police that, not us. We couldn’t care less if someone said they wanted to kill a group of people or they like horse dick, it’s just that ridiculous anonymous human nature speak or locker room talk. So that’s where we wonder why we’re always targeted for an opinion that’s genuine, we don’t care if you fast or sleep deprive yourself to see your tulpa, it’s on you, we’re not here to lecture every Carlos that comes along and we didn’t like all the flames he was getting for it. Granted Carlos’s posts have been pretty trollish as was pointed out to us, but we’re done helping the Carloses for a while if ever. It’s all so petty, we don't trust ourselves or our opinions anymore.


Misha is sad, again, and I don’t under any circumstances want to see that. She’s not blaming anyone, it’s just mourning over what happened. Bear is stressed to the hilt from overwork and he uses this time on to unwind and spend time with us through our interactions, but not if it causes stress too, that’s not why we’re here.


We don’t want to spread drama, it might be a system issue. As we thought about it, none of us have avoided it. Even Darlene snapped at Reg once. That’s what really got us thinking. anon was being a jerk, but he’s just being himself with his own opinion. It’s not endearing to us obviously, but we’re not trying to cause trouble. Still I think we were a little passive agressive with him too.


Another thing, Discord has proven to us to be more trouble than it’s worth. For every good interaction we have, there’s another one that’s questionable and another that’s offensive in some way to either us or someone else, so that’s just not good enough. We do miss the interaction, but idk, we leave carnage in our wake a lot of the time, and we’re not trying to do that.


Reddit is tolerable, Misha does that with Bear, but there’s no ‘community’ just a string of discrete interactions of random users that we never see twice in the vast majority of cases, ‘thank you’ and ‘that’s interesting’ is about the best responses we get.


So we realized on our last break that we do like the interaction and it helps us, but if the cost is too high when we’re unleashing a swarm of bears on and trampling everything, then we have to have a step back and think. We get hurt when we look back and realize out oversized bear paws trampled all the flowers. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.


So analogies aside, we have some thinking to do.


Three sisters play will continue, our PR updates will continue, our Art thread will continue, and whatever else we can do without causing trouble.


I’d say, chat with us in Ashley’s lounge, but that’s pretty rare whether we’re here or not.


Even this step back is drama and causing more trouble for some, it’s like we really don’t know what we’re doing. It’s like we’re the drama queens no matter what we do, but in the near term, we're just going to be treading water. thanks to everyone for their support up to this point, we understand if that's going to me a lot less in the future. As Lucilyn pointed out, we still suffer from negative thoughts, just like that last sentence proved.




November 8th, 2019


What is wrong with Bear system nature? [This is before we found the term "Histrionic".]


1. Impulsive

2. Not really listening, especially when challenged

3. Stubborn

4. A need to win


I don't know how or if we can fix some of our systemic issues. We know there's a problem, but we haven't found it in 18 months. We're going to devote all of our resources to try to find the issue.


A piece of advice from a spiritually minded person on Reddit: "Think about your anger with your family, live in that anger, release it, deal with it."


This is really hard to do, I have missing years in times of extreme stress, like my 19th year, I have no memories of that. year 20 is really fuzzy, after that was Bear 2.0 living on my own so that's fine.


EDIT: Akinkinit worries about not having enough to say to update the PR, I wonder if he'd prefer our situation.


November 11th, 2019


In-systen conversation warning, stuff and a Ren-Ashley merge.


[Ashley] I guess there was no avoiding the pain and subsequent drama. Yet another episode.

[bear] Inner circle broken, and we're the ones who did it. I don't know the repercussions of this mentally. It was kind of a ward against some intrusive thoughts.




[bear] Ashley and Ren merge was a thing, very cute. She presented herself in hypnagogic, she was so adorable. What happened Ashley?

[Ashley] Ren did it, and you don't argue with Ren if you know what's good for you.

[bear] Ren's an adorable menace

[Misha] no she's not, she's a lovable cuddly kitty-girl and we love her.

[Ren] *gives Misha then I a hug*

[bear] Ashlen and I talked a little then cuddled as I fell asleep. Two of the most affectionate girls makes a very affectionate girl.


Ashley doesn't seem affectionate, but to me she's very attentive, affectionate and responsive. It embarrasses her for me to say that, it's not the persona she presents to anyone else.



November 12th, 2019


[Ashley] So we're thinking of doing an experiment to try to discover what's going on. We came back with the plan that I would be in control of the posts, and in three weeks we had three episodes of Bear brand histrionics, but we can't blame Bear this time. Misha did the first one, overreaction and all Re: in-system conversations, but then again Bear's thread was pretty histrionic too, so yeah, us three instigators now. I did the next two. This is being generous, we're not counting the micro transactions.


The system wants to stay on and the community as a whole, we're happier here and we talk more when we're here. It's good for us, but not if it causes stress to us or others. You either love us or hate us, sometimes both, but we were saturating this forum, so anyone who doesn't like us is going to be basically tortured. That's got to stop.


If we can avoid it we will not cause drama. To ensure this I'm fired as liaison to the site, Misha too, and of course Bear isn't ready at this point.


We're raw, we don't know what the problem is or who's to blame. Is Bear the cause and we enable him? Is the body somehow involved? Is it a personality thing we learned from Bear or is it deep seated triggers we can't find yet. The frequency is low, once a week to be fair, but not nearly low enough, especially when the result is people think we're assholes, childish, breaking rules, or people we care about get hurt.


[bear] this is a very common theme in my life in general. No wonder I see my friends so infrequently, and my guarded nature might be to protect people I care about, I don't know for sure.


[Ashley] So we've been kicking aroung an idea for an experiment. Perhaps Joy will take over for the next month and a half, she'll basically be switched in and proxy us with full redaction power. Our little, older sister is by far the most mature person we have in-system, not even Darlene is pure white in this. As we were scouring the system for possibilities, Gwen went to go hide under a rock, Ren... nevermind. Joy it is.


If we do this, let's make it count, this is a test. Can we learn from Joy? Can we find the root cause of our persistent and pervasive issue? It's not circumstances when we're the only constant in the equation. Not just Bear, the charonian wounded, patchwork, misfit toy bear either, it's three of us now.


Our future is heralded by Joy, can we play nice? We shall find out in something like "The Joy Experiment." She's been helping us today but she can't redact us in the heat of battle, so it might have to be just her for a while.


If we do, We'll force her to post at least three times a day to make sure we're not "better" due to inactivity.


Even six weeks isn't enough, but in that time we will pretty much guarantee to break this if it's a habbit left over from Bear's depression. It's pretty much a conclusion that we should do this.


*fingers crossed*.


Don't worry, Joy is fun too.




Externalization is something Bear had to learn to overcome depression, but it feeds perfectly into the victim role that we recognize fits perfectly with histrionics. So it's a bit of a revelation that we see this now, and we're terribly disappointed that it came down to offending the very people who helped Bear recover. Not to mention Misha's hints at possible symptoms of early depression in certain lights. That's unfathomable and unacceptable.


Not to externalize now, and this is no excuse, but his jobs just took a jump in stress, both of them. He's way overworked now and it's affecting all of us.


The stress levels are saturating and if Bear or any of us (Misha isn't entirely out of the question) slip into depression now, I don't have any clue how we'd fix it. This isn't to be taken lightly.


So we apologize in advance for any lapses in our participation, it's just us doing everything we can to stay on solid ground.


One thing we worry about is BPD, true BPD can have a cycle of about a year, one year down, one year up sort of thing. It's been a year. If we're slipping now god help us. We're battle ready this time though.


Just for fun: We drew ourselves roughly in anime style but it’s just practice




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I didn't read this before I PM'd you, oopsy... hope you're okay.


Maybe Gavin will join Joy for a month in front, he's been wanting to do the same but has always kinda chickened out around the 3 day mark. I'd like to go dormant and see if any new alters come out in my absence. 


I like you all in the community even if you aren't perfect. 


You're in our thoughts and prayers, and we'll be around. Thank you all again for all the advice and support you've given. -J


edit: Very nice art ;) Stylized art can be harder than realism!

>tf when you google for "famous quotes by Marcus Aurelius" and had a fake one as your sig for months

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I just got warned 10% for in-system conversations above I didn't think that was a thing in PR's, sorry for that. We moved those conversations to hidden. I'm not sure that's okay either.


At any rate this really shouldn't bother us, but it really does, it's a lot of stress at exactly the wrong time which we have explained above. If we can't have in-system conversations in hidden, in our PR, then we will have to comply, but I feel like we should worry about the whole thing because it's so very littered with that sort of thing.


It's a heavy day today, we still don't know what the rules are after this long so we're kind of lost emotionally. I don't know what I can do anymore; I really don't get it.




Edit: so my old posts are okay as is according to Vos, and this:


...there are some examples where we're willing to make exceptions' date=' like if someone is posting a transcript from a session that's relevant to progress...[/quote']


Since I presume I was doing that and it was flagged, we won't be sharing any transcripts in the future.


Also, my account is going dormant to wait out the three month 10% ban, and we're going to, if at all possible, not share posts anymore, so you probably won't here from me till early next year. I don't want to risk any further action.


My systemmates will still be here to some extent, but honestly we're beyond stressed at work already and the drama never seems to end here either--we really can't take any more.


Don't raise any stinks on our behalf, we're not interested in contributing to anything that will single us out at all.


When work calms down, we'll feel a lot better.


I'm not sure if "Three sisters play" is appropriate even in Ashley's lounge, so to avoid more warnings, we're discontinuing that too.


We love you all, we're just trying to do everything we can to be able to stay for the long run.


If we can't avoid future drama, we're sunk man, seriously.

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