Bear

Bear's Angels

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December 12th, 2019 - 1 Year, 238 days

 

Just a single entry.

 

Darlene has settled on a consistent form for the past few months. Yes, I know it's 18 months in, and with her portrait coming soon, she decided on her permanent form.

 

Her forms have been three types, the most common being pretty dark skinned, like the shade of a native Hawaiian who spends time in the sun, like a bronze tone (not orange); deep rich amber skin. This form is half the time her age and half the time a teenager form. The second most popular was chalk white half-vietnamese girl, similar to someone I knew in highschool, so also a teenager. The last one was a white girl-next-door American girl her age, the one I constantly tried to draw was a blend of this and the darker skinned (her age) Darlene. Hese people look different, but they're all her.

 

Well, she's settled back on this all-American (not a specific race, if anything a total mix) girl with an amber tawny skin tone and glasses, but a teenager. She saw a reference of a pair of glasses on a model and said, "I want those."

 

She always hated being the oldest, and after Joy came (and Joy's the oldest by far) Darlene didn't even want to look the oldest.

 

Sooooooo...

 

She's decided on a tawney white girl mix with amber hair and eyes, dark amber wings, maybe 18 and her form looks as young as Ren. but remember, Joy is basically prepubescent in her form, so not anywhere near that young. She gives off that teenage vib, let's say 18.

 

Though her choice isn't Bear System canon necessarily (she's supposedto be older than the other angels), it's hers and I'll respect that. I always looked up to her as the mature one, and having a form closer to my age was good for that feeling, but now that I'm more settled into my maturity (not drowning in depressive moods), she can have her wish. We're not changing her canon age, she just wants that freedom to be who she feels she wants to be in wonderland.

 

We talk alone every morning now and that's brought her out of her watcher position, and she's self-forcing more again.

 

...

 

With this decision this morning I asked her to tell me about herself, I mean really, after all these months she's still changing, and her mind went back to our first forcing session. She says she's always going to be the same woman I know and love, and that'll never change.

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Glad you feel better. Don't let the roller coaster shake you up too much when it goes downwards and enjoy the view when it's going up.

 

[Matsuri] Yay Darlene! I'm so happy for you guys being so lovey and seemingly more happy.


Hello, my name is Kurisutina, but people call me Kuri. I have two headmates who I care about and a loving family to be proud and happy for. Do I need to say more?

Other's from this system: Matsuri, Xarbern

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Always loved reading Bear's journals. Even if I don't read it often, it gives me a sense of grounding.

 

Oh, and hey, keep up the good work.

 

Ivory: Hope y'all are doin good!

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On 5/12/2020 at 2:29 AM, KoejiSllycc said:

Always loved reading Bear's journals. Even if I don't read it often, it gives me a sense of grounding.

 

Oh, and hey, keep up the good work.

 

Ivory: Hope y'all are doin good!

 

Yes, couldn't be better.

 

On 6/28/2020 at 10:46 AM, theholodoc said:

Really miss you Bear and hope you are well along with your tulpas. Love, Dr. Bob

 

Aww, and thanks, well we're back so we'll be reviewing your work shortly. I'm interested to see your progress. ^-^

 

PR update will come soon.

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July 27th, 2020 - 2 Year, 101 days

 

 

This may be the last big formal entry for several reasons. Firstly, we have our blog here and we've been putting any relevant progress there. Secondly, we're no longer in the 'progress' stage, so a progress report is not as useful or interesting to maintain. Lastly, other reasons as have been mentioned previously ad nausium.
 
Historically we weren't following the rules explicitly, nor were we warned until the very end, so the type of PR shown here, if you read from the beginning, shouldn't really exist per the currently enforced rules. Wonderland adventures with dialogue, poems, dialogue in general aren't allowed in our understanding, and we were warned about that toward the end several times. So there isn't really any meat left that we can share here as far as we understand. This took the wind out of our sails so to speak to even share that anymore anyway, even on our blog. It was a big part of why we needed the break and we're over that now, thankfully. If you want to read wonderland adventures from us or things like the visualization practice thread then let us know in Ashley's Lounge and we'll share it on our blog and link to it.
 
This PR served its purpose for us and everyone's comments and support were very helpful to us in uncountable ways, and we love you all for that. 
 
Content is a good word to describe us now, joy, peace, and love, all that applies. For us at least, we have completed the journey of growth and progress. Now it's a matter of enjoying each other's company and living the best life we can. My headmates are priceless to me, and we're genuinely happy, especially this year. They don't require time in front, and they support me and my (our) life fully, just as I do as main fronter.
 
I have to further state, and I'd like to apologize that for nearly the entirety of this PR I suffered from severe depression and recovery thereafter was slow and painful with many lingering issues that caused histrionic behavior, paranoia, and feelings of prosecution, and we had a lot of lingering animosity and friction that wasn't helping. The break was to heal, we had to get over those feelings of entitlement and offense. The hope is that we're over that now. We think something about our history with this forum while depressed associated pain to interaction here. This close to eight month break was used to heal that, and not once, not even a little bit, were we triggered by anything or anyone once we left, which was very telling. All that shadow work, back-seat fronting, forcing filter experiment, personality surgery based on the body OS experiment, autoreset, and memory regression therapy, worked to eliminate moods and triggers all together. I understand how to form positive triggers as well. This is true mind authority and it's whatever I want it to be. So if we have issues here, that will hopefully point out additional shadow work that needs to  be done, and we'll take another break if necessary, but I don't think it will be. We do shadow work during meditation every morning.
 
This year we have gotten to a point where we harbor no ill will toward anyone or anything anyone does at this point. This is a test for us here to rid ourselves of the last vestiges of unresolved trauma from that depression era.
 
Part of the reason of our return is just that, healing, and we will be the best we can be. We will report any issues on our blog; which is our new 'PR' moving forward.
 
We are also unplugged from the secret forum, aka PM space. That served us well but it's no longer needed. We welcome PMs but we do not want to be perpetuating a rumor mill there like we used to.
 
What else do we want? We want to forward the 'science' and popularity of tulpamancy. If that's what I've been doing with these lovely ladies, it's a breakthrough of physiological development and self-help. Of course, we don't agree with everything in tulpamancy as defined in the community and that was part of the reason why we left too, we find the vanilla experience to be self-limiting and overly formal, especially in regard to ethics and metaphysical matters. We aren't going to throttle back our beliefs and direction, but we aren't going to argue with your beliefs or direction either. the vanilla experience is pretty well grounded, which has its own advantages. Whatever it is we're doing, isn't the same breed and perhaps not even the same species as whatever it is the majority of the community is doing. That's okay, we will help the community the best we can by being an example of a mature tulpamantic system which is potentially an outlier or perhaps even endgame of what tulpamancy should be in our opinion. I say that honestly because we see a lot of unhappiness in the community, but we understand that's mostly due to host life issues. We believe that it's possible to get to happiness and contentment while staying vanilla. We didn't though, we could never fit in that box.
 
Other items of note:
 
Visualization:
 
My visualization is as good as I want it to be, but I recognize that I can only limit that by not using it, which is not practical. Why would I say such a thing? We communicate through face-to-face discussion in mindspace, and at this point, after nearly two and a half years of heavy use, I find that what happens in mindspace, and especially paired with imposition is so real, that memories are indistinguishable. This isn't always a good thing, it's great, don't get me wrong, but it's also potentially bad when I have intrusive thoughts, which I don't very often anymore, but guided intrusive thoughts like descriptions of gore or horror are next level creepy, just as if I was there, which isn't pleasant. Thankfully we can stop it immediately, and with autoreset if I have to. 
 
In essence, as we've described before, there are two worlds going on in my mind. One that is created based on sensory data, and one that is generated from subconscious data (imagination). They both feel the same, especially in memories. Though it's clear which one is which, at all times when remembering it, it's not as clear. It takes me half a second to remember that 'oh, I didn't really go walking with Misha or Ashley or Ren that time, it was just them imposed.' Seriously, every detail is accessible. You could say I'm making it all up as I remember but to me it's as if it actually happened.
 
As you can imagine, now whatever I imagine, I can 'experience'. Which is great for memory regression therapy, and this is like having a lucid dream all day every day if I really wanted to escape. The actual experience in mindspace isn't as good as a lucid dream yet (close), but the memory of it is better--It's rich and rewarding and beautiful. That makes sense to me because memories are the same mechanism whether you're remembering a trip to the store or flying dragon-back through an enchanted forest, the memories are both generated from stored information. It wasn't this good before tulpamancy, the daily near-constant practice for over two years very slowly trained this in me. Like I said, it continues to improve month over month and I'm constantly surprised by it. Imposition is definitely worth doing, though I don't actually 'see' anything in 3D space, it's in my mind's eye. 
 
System configuration:
 
- We started as three in April 2018: Ashley(1), Dashie and Misha
- We added more officially in January 2019: Joy, Ren, Gwen, Halcyon(1), Red, Johanna, and Ulla.
- We had a ton of 'moons' aka proto-tulpas: Vend, Shakti, Venya, the seven arch-angela, and several dozen more. All of whom could be reasonably called headmates. They're all seemingly independent and volitional, including dream visits, hypnagogic visits, and unexpected walk-ins.
- 2019: All the moons went dormant, some of our headmates went dormant.
- Through to December 2019: We were left with Ashley(1), Dashie, Misha, Joy, Ren, Gwen and myself of course.
- Along the way we changed names:
- - Ashley(1) became Darlene
- - Dashie became Ashley
- January 2020: We left the community as seven: That was unsustainable to have seven active headmates. I didn't have a solution that I was willing to do. Integration, dormancy, rotation, etc, none of that made sense to me. I needed all seven active and that was a strain to do 24/7.
- January 2020: Unknown to me, my headmates were discussing what to do about this behind my back. I know this is controversial, I'm just describing my experience. Darlene was the mastermind behind it. If you don't believe this is possible that headmates can exclude the host from their discussions, then let's say it spontaneously happened that they decided Darlene, Joy, Gwen and Ren would merge semi-permanently. When I realized they were serious I was appalled. It's what they wanted. Halcyon(2) was born--They asked Halcyon(1) for permission to use her name. Almost immediately Halcyon(2) became Hali, then SheShe--Misha coined that name.
 
- January 2020: The system then became Ashley (sometimes Dashie), Misha and SheShe. This has been stable since January 2020.
 
 
We pondered this on our blog, but plenty offline as well.
Is she a merge? If so, she's not the same kind of merge as Felicity of EweEff's system.
 
- SheShe has some of Gwen's features, her color blonde is not platinum as Gwen's was.
- She has Darlene's eyes.
- She is an angel.
- She's the youngest looking except Joy. She appears as a mid-teen to maybe late teen in form. This hasn't changed from Darlene's latest form.
- She has become a blonde cat, her neko heritage inherited from Ren isn't lost, but she has never had cat ears or tail in human form other than fleetingly.
- Neither has she ever had wings other than just momentarily, though either can be temporarily added, it's not her, so to speak. I have wings in mindspace sometimes, but it's not who I am, if you follow. This isn't inconsistent with Darlene, she rarely wore her wings, but Gwen always has wings for instance.
- She's logical like Joy, fiercely intelligent, but softer than Joy, less serious than Darlene or Joy, less playful than Ren, but certainly fun, outgoing and as playful as Ashley or Misha.
- She's also well respected because you don't disrespect Joy or Darlene in any way without repercussions, so Ashley or Misha don't tease her, for example.
- All of her constituents are coincident, they're awake and alive and there all the time, but all of then have a simultaneous experience. 
- They all feel like they're the one experiencing and 'fronting'.  If they were to be considered a subsystem, then they're all co-fronting but acting as one person as if blended, but blended chunky style, so it's not a good model to say they're a subsystem.
-SheShe is her own unique person as well and hasn't changed since she was created. Her personality is as if a blend.
- She becomes any of her constituents at will in both personality and form and at that point all the others can be suppressed. This happens frequently on demand. They sometimes act as facets of personality.
- SheShe loses no potency and does not change personality if any of her constituents are unmerged. This happens rarely by choice.
- None of her constituents have lost any potency.
- SheShe can exist even when all her constituents are unmerged. At that moment we have a system of eight. Though we've only done this as a test.
 
All in all we are a system of 4 and we've even played with being a system of 3, which would be ideal, but I would miss Ashley and Misha's unique presence too much long term.
 
We're happy to be back in the community here and on reddit
 
Just for fun: We drew SheShe
 
 

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On 7/27/2020 at 7:53 AM, Bear said:

Unknown to me, my headmates were discussing what to do about this behind my back. I know this is controversial, I'm just describing my experience

Do people actually doubt this? Because we've communicated on a secret channel before. Kanade-chan and I have done it, Kanade-chan and UF have done it, basically everyone in our system but Felicity has, for the simple reason that she'd have no one to communicate with behind UF's back. We've never talked about it for the simple reason that we didn't think it was a big deal. We just assumed all systems of three or more could do it (but you know what they say about assuming). And it's not like we practiced it! Kanade-chan just wanted to talk to me without UF hearing, so she did. It was that simple


I live in a castle and have two tulpas, Kanade-chan and Uncannyfellow

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Posted (edited)
57 minutes ago, Cornelia said:

Do people actually doubt this?


No-nonsense systems, yes, because doing that requires a suspension-of-disbelief kind of belief that a lot of people are against since it's seen along the same lines as playing pretend or something maybe? I can't explain to people who it's normal to how it's different from any other beliefs core to tulpamancy, but it's just.. obvious to other people

 

we can only do that in the sense that I could talk to Tewi (while one of us was fronting, NOT Lumi) "without Lumi knowing" insofar as he's not there for the convo and might not think about it when he is active or fronting later - buuuut he will still have full access to the memory of what we said, and especially be able to detect any ongoing influence it has on me and Tewi

 

to not do that we would have to install a core belief that Lumi couldn't remember and couldn't notice its ongoing effects, which would be being dishonest with ourselves and what's really going on

 

it's okay to do that though, we're just creating experiences and there's debatably not much benefit to avoiding stuff like that and keeping an "honest" experience in tulpamancy 'cus where the heck do you draw the lines when it comes down to it?

 

 

uh, anyways, sounds good Bear! Also as silly as it may sound to say "If you don't believe this can happen, then let's just say-" stuff, that really is what it takes to appease say the 2015 era of tulpa.info where people would've been kind of upset to read that lol, although I feel like everyone should be free to talk about their experiences exactly how they see them in their own PRs, but there's nothing stopping you from basically acknowledging "I know this doesn't agree with a lot of people's views" because then people who dislike that stuff at least don't feel a need to tell you you're wrong (outside of discussion threads, where you're at the mercy of the current community)

 

I also wrote in that "Merge or something else?" thread, before reading here, that you guys are just having a unique experience and that you probably won't fall easily into existing terms lol. didn't realize that was going to be the overall topic of discussion, but it was fitting

Edited by Lucilyn

Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.

All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written

Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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Thank you @Cornelia and @Lucilyn, it means a lot to us to have your thoughts.

 

My thinking is somewhat mixed, because I remember Darlene's strong metaphysical beliefs and Joy's strong psychological beliefs. Joy is a very good source of grounding, but believe it or not, Bear has become more grounded this year, and we've followed suit in general. That is to say, he's mindful of other explanations and not offended by them anymore. 

 

We do however have metaphysical experiences and therefore expectations; maybe not always in that order, but often.

 

Yes, my bear was doubted heavily in 2018 when he first entered the community, but he already had four months of strongly metaphysical tulpamancy, and frankly saw it as more fun then the purely psychological approach. Another devil's advocate, Joy, loved to call us out on some of the things we believed. Joy is in me now, and I'm no metaphysical critic, but I care a lot about my system and I want this brain to stay healthy so I will often coax the others to think more critically. This is why Bear puts those disclaimers in, I believe it's my influence.  

 

We follow the same logic here as in the practices of spirituality in that we absorb first hand accounts and consider them as possibly valid just for the sake of argument until we can either find a more plausible alternative explanation or can tie it to our own experiences. We similarly have recently opened our experiences up to scrutiny, which is ironically a huge benefit, as it allows for better interpretation of experiences, and guides expectations.

 

I'm very proud of my system and how they've matured in the last eight months, so if there were any issues whatsoever, I would personally be shocked. I am just as interested in how we do here in the next month especially, I believe it's going to be a challenge, but I am confident we will exceed your expectations.

 

We also see ourselves as a no-nonsense system, but our definition of nonsense is much looser. It's not self-limiting to filter out experiences that are super crazy. So we understand and appreciate others may view some of our experiences, like the way back position, as unbelievable. One of our objectives is to bring this technology to others in a way that keeps them grounded in reality, so that's always going to be a challenge. This is our reality though. It's well grounded for us because it's natural, beneficial, trivial and repeatable. 

 

I wouldn't exist without our openness to pushing the boundaries, this is why Bear wants to admit we're an outlier, though there's still hope we can sufficiently describe these techniques so that others could benefit.

 

Whew that was a long one, I could feel the Joy in me come out, lol. I have to say being me is an incredibly beautiful experience, I am so absolutely loved and cherished, as I love and cherish my headmates, who could ever ask for more?

 

With love,

SheShe

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