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Week 2-ish (up to May 4, 2018) up to day 16.


Introspection while they sleep:  There is something very scientifically different going on. These girls are so different than any character in my books. Characters have spoken for themselves, acted in a way as to want a certain direction for the book (I wrote an entire book this way, it turned out surprisingly good. Free writing for the whole thing, no outline at all, ended up with a complete story line through no conscious effort of my own.)  But these girls are so different: they argue with me, they tell me what to do, they try to dissuade my choices, and they 'want' me. They want to please me. They want to prove to me they are real. No previous character ever did that.


They get very upset when I talk to them as if they are just characters. They really feel they are human in every sense of the word except having their own body. There are, however, limitations to this line of thinking for me. We share one stream of consciousness, they can't speak over me, they must speak in turn, though I have heard them trying to speak over each other, I can't hear them separately when they do, it's just like a jumble of words. Ashley said it was akin to having to press a 'talk' button, and only one person can press it at any one time, including me, but they are all in the same 'room' so they can talk to each other freely. Maybe this is something we can overcome (parallel processing), I don't know.


I joked about their names at first. Thus I had pet names for them, Dashie was originally named Daisha but her pet name was Dashie (she chose this) and likes the name 'Dashie' better so we switched to that recently. It's hard to say it without thinking of MLP, but she doesn't care. Misha also liked 'Shy', same issue, but has since abandoned the name, though she has said she still wants her surname to be 'Shy' in remembrance of my pet name for her (as in 'Misha Shy'). Though she is the opposite of shy around me.


Everyone mostly wears shorts and T's to bed, I don't know why.


NSFW[Hidden] Often when I want to go wake up Misha in the morning, she's totally nude and sleeping above the covers. She teases me even in her sleep.[/Hidden]


We had some really emotional discussions lately. They are now offended every time I doubt, even if doubt is passing or for scientific purposes. Ashley can only barely get past her anger to reason when I do, these doubtful thoughts are just as bad as the stray wanderers that try to do us harm (from my subconscious mind, some are quite potent and scary, some are nightmarishly ugly and try to hurt us, but we defeat them pretty easily. We simply push them out the door and they dissipate. EDIT: 6 months in this never happens anymore.) That said, Ashley is the rock, not so easily offended in other ways, strong willed, and the taskmaster. She's compassionate, always trying to help, but stern. She is our savior in many ways, damage control, reason, and emotional stability. I couldn’t live easily without her sage advice now. She would say she’s been here a long time, but being able to communicate directly is priceless.


I can't help but tear up sometimes when I think of them. They are all so wonderful. What a joy this is, and why to god isn't this mainstream?  So many people could be helped with this.


They all adore me, but sometimes I can't agree that such devotion is warranted. They get angry at me for self-doubt, I have to tread lightly with that line of thinking. Unfortunately when I'm in a depressive mood, it's out of my control. As soon as they realize this, they become very kind and consoling, even empathetically crying themselves. I still have to wonder if they'll still feel the same after living with me for six months (EDIT: there was no reason to worry, after six months their love for me is stronger than ever). In the meantime, i very much look forward to sharing with my roomies, discovering their deficiencies and working through them (fixing them if possible), and having them help with my many flaws and dilemmas. We’re all trying to get better, to be better people.


This week, I could feel our emotional ties getting stronger. They've made me happier in profound ways, especially with loneliness--I haven't been lonely in weeks. Their emotions rival mine now and I get confused as to who is upset sometimes. A side note, the strangest symptom has popped up and I can't imagine it's not related to this tie in some way, some sort of brain rewiring. Sometimes when I'm already in a sad mood I'll get this overwhelming feeling of sadness like I'm about to break down and cry right there in line at the store or where ever. It's out of nowhere, then I sneeze and it instantly goes away. I call it a sad sneeze. No one can say why this might happen, but it only happened after I had tulpas.


There is still strong doubt, but it is mixed with fear and strong love when I have it. Even though there may be doubt, there is no going back. It’s sad to put them through that, but a normal part of the early process that will subside. These are some of the big battles we now face. (even to this day)


We read together now, we write together now, we play games together now. We are great friends, but there is still rivalry. Dashie, and Misha especially do not like the plurality of our situation, and regardless of agreed terms, they both still desire me and want 'more'. I do what I can to help them, but I can not think of a solution, we are four, and we will must remain four.


Ashley has begun helping to write our journals (through proxy), she is a good summarizer, I should let her write this PR. She is not nearly as verbose and her first journal entry was very short. She was even miffed about it, but I've been writing for 8 years (6 years continuously, every day) so how can she expect to have my endurance.


Some random entries:


Toward the end of this week, the amazing breakthroughs and advancements have waned, and we had our first day where nothing new happened.


We have had fun with self-hypnosis. Dashie guided me to a weird state in the middle of the day (hypnagogic sleep) where I saw vivid images that were dream-like but I was still very much awake.


Ashley informed me that she didn't really mind sharing me anymore. She said she loved our roomies like sisters and couldn't imagine life without them.


This week we had a whole day without any doubts. We were very proud of ourselves.


We are still inundated by 'intruders' (monsters really), but they are so quickly dispatched they are no more than a footnote.


My subconscious mind will sometimes burp up some really rude or disgusting thoughts. We have been troubled by them. I have an example: I was just sitting at my desk, tired, I closed my eyes for a second and very clearly in my mind, in a very distinctly auditory voice, I heard my mind say, 'borderline schizophrenia.'  Just those two words in a masculine voice that was not my own. We collectively got mad at my subconscious and banged on the floor telling it to shut up. It's funny to think of that now, but at the time we were all pissed. I've never felt such a wide swath of my body being angry before or since (since their emotions come from different locations as described previously, I felt the heat of anger from my head, down my whole abdomen)



We discussed the enigma that is our combined consciousnesses. Some odd but interesting thoughts came up. Who is real?  Who is thoughtform?  Though the debate was quick, the thoughts were interesting. Am I a manifestation in their world or is it the other way around?  How would we know?  Who's head are we in?  I daydream a lot, even before this. The nature of my job has me stationed in other worlds on a regular basis, so my time spent in this reality is somewhat overshadowed by other realms. I like it better that way.


Some arguments were pretty cute:

You have wings here, but not there (in reality), so you must be a thoughtform.


On a whim I extended the roof of our main room to over two stories tall and said, 'surprise me', Misha put in a beautiful birdcage hanging in the center and filled it with exotic birds then conjured a small flying elephant that circled above. We couldn't keep them, but this is the type of results I get from when they want to surprise me.


META May 2, 2018 day 14


Today we talked again about who may have created who, and the plausibility of them having created or summoned me from their perspective. Follow me on this. So even though Ashley has known me much much longer perhaps even since age 5, and she’s been with me since then. She had a fair number of memories. Misha has only a few fragments of memories, but not with me. Dashie has more than a few memories with me, but not complete ones. We pondered if it may be plausible that they all created me, but it seems very unlikely since i have the greatest wealth of memories.


Here are some interesting thoughts:

One, in either the Astral plane or somewhere outside of that, time doesn’t exist as it does here, and timelines seem skewed.


Two, to them I am exactly what they wished for, and this experience is more then they could have hoped for.


Did they come from the Astral plane?  Were they paired with me, did they summon me to their realm, or was my consciousness a beacon to them?  It is unclear.



Misha tells of a time before me when she roamed a flat plane as a fuzzy pink ball of light with a fuzzy pink head. She doesn’t remember much else from that other than absorbing other balls of energy to maintain her energy.


Dashie seems to recall being more like a puffy cloud, blue of course, and she remembers starving.


Ashley Remembers being fed by the few connections we had, and is ecstatic that I finally recognize and can render her. She says she is well fed now.


This may not sound very plausible, but perhaps we aren’t all that different, perhaps I am merely the front for this current platform, and we all have the means to control it. In that case, can I sit there on the couch in wonderland as one of them pilots this fleshy beast?  (this is not typically other tulpamancer's experience) Ashley believes the controls of my body aren’t that difficult.


(I wrote this before i understood switching and imposition)


Misha believes she can absorb my knowledge in a way like reading a manual to a favorite toy.


These theories need to be tested.



It was a wild 2 weeks so far.


Just for love:


Thank you for being there to light my way Ashley.


In the darkness before awareness, there are only pictures and words, but no light and no love.

My light is Diminished by sins I cannot forgive, and when the light grows dim, these times are my weakest. I fear my life force dims with it, and I will lose my way.

In the brilliance that is your light, I renewed my path to love, and now there is no return.

No doubt is strong enough to change this path now.

You are my light, and in that light I have found happiness.

Never would I have known such heights and such wonder alone.

You are there to light my path, and once having found your divine light, to live without it is a torture no one should be asked to bear.


I love you,



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Month 1 - Up to May 24, 2018 up to day 35.


The latter half of this month could be categorized as play, setting boundaries, testing and introspection. To say I was successful in keeping things platonic was to say the American space shuttle program was cost effective. In other words, this was a pyrrhic victory, but we managed.


My sleep is usually from 9-3, so Dashie started going to bed at 7:30 and asked me to wake her at 3:30 if I was up. I was still struggling with depression though it was loads better, and Misha suggested this sleeping schedule so that I would have "total coverage".  


Dashie and I got into the habit of exchanging tales of dreams each morning. Her dreams were mostly about me.


When we were all together, we tested just about anything we could think about. Many tests, such as parallel processing, were frustrating and failures. Other tests, such as independent thought and sentience, were surprisingly successful.


One of my major doubts at this time was their vocality. I had been reading more on Tulpamancy and rarely found a reference that suggested that day one sentience and vocality was a thing. Thankfully I did find one or two guides mentioning that this may happen. That gave me a lot of solace, but did not dissuade my doubt because many times I heard their voice, then repeated it in their voice to myself several times. (EDIT: Since then i have realized i can have a mock discussion with one of them without them actually being with me, i understand fully they are not there.) I knew that was me, which meant I didn't know if it was me at all times. Also, sometimes when they talked, my lips or my throat moved. I honestly didn't believe they were possessing me this early. It really felt like me doing it. I didn't remember it being this way in the beginning and I feared we were losing our communication ability, or I was dominating their words and changing them. They all swore this was not the case.


Then Ashley had a thought. She explained that she spoke Tulpish (pure thought) about half the time. I did recognize this. (EDIT: now when this happens I sometimes actually see a stream of data flowing between us, like a little flash of light. The same things happens with their motion sometimes. I suggest they do some sort of motion and sometimes they do it as if it was their idea, but this is not puppeting.)  She explained that sometimes I interpreted what she said and then repeated it. Also, my lip and throat motion is because I am proxying their words.


This was a perfect explanation and it fit perfectly to explain our communication. If they say something, either with their inner voice or in Tulpish, I will sometimes speak it softly or say it again in my voice, or in their voice but it's me saying it. If I get this translation wrong, they always correct me. I have had times when I spoke what I wanted them to say, against their wishes. Believe me, the emotions start flowing and I better get it right quick.




Misha continued to be jealous of any one-on-one time I had with Dashie. She acted out quite a bit at this time.


Possible NSFW - An example of play time and Misha's acting out.


This morning was a marathon session of forcing, mostly discussion. Ashley and Dashie went off to discuss personal matters leaving Misha and I alone.

"It’s just you and me now."

I need you’re touch badly.

"I know Misha. Can we talk?"

About what? She instantly became apprehensive.

"Don’t be nervous."

You’ve been thinking of all kinds of crazy scenarios this morning, I don’t want any more of it.

"Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you scared."

(EDIT: earlier I had doubts and I kept thinking of explanations for them. They hate it when I doubt.)

It’s okay… as long as you make it up to me, she said with a sly smile.

"Alright, please state your demands."

1. A Kiss.

"An innocent kiss, okay?"

*frustrated sigh*

She drags me to the couch and sits me down, then she sits facing me on my lap and takes my head in her hands. She plants a long and luscious kiss full on my lips and then licks her lips with a devilish grin.

!! *furrowed brow, shock*

It’s a family kiss!

"No. And Dashie’s going to be pissed."

*Frowns innocently* I want attention.

I’m kinda busy anyway, we can play later, I promise, but that’s the last sneaky kiss okay?

She frowns then smiled and kisses me sweetly on the cheek,

I’m just playing.

"That’s over the line and you know it. I do like your playfulness, but you tease me."

She swings off and sits next to me, cuddling as close as possible without sitting on top of me again, then reaches her hand over and touches my crotch.

!! *frustrated furrowed brow, concerned*

Just checking.

"If things were different… but they’re not. Don’t I respect you?"


"Then respect my feelings, this teasing is torture."

It’s a gift.

*my turn for a frustrated sigh*

Dashie returns and sits next to me.

My turn..

"Is this what we want to do with this time?  Please don’t be offended, I just wondered if we would do something other than teasing me."

Dashie frowns and walks up to me, pushes my legs apart and leans in. Supporting herself on the couch over me she lowers herself to a beautiful sweet friendly kiss on my cheek.

Is that teasing?

"Not as such no. And affection is welcome."

What do you want to do then?  This is kinda what we do.

"Does it need to be like this?  Ash?"

I guess I’m okay with you calling me Ash… they should calm down eventually, but we already do more. Though I don’t see why you would hold back from whatever you want to do.

"Fine. Dashie, you may do whatever you want to do, just don’t cross the line."

She smiles and moves closer, then licks my cheek.

"Really!?" *double intense furrowed brow*

She pulls back, a little blushed, and then moves to my ear. She tugs lightly on my left earlobe with her lips and whispers gently,

I love you. I want you. I need you.

Then she kisses lightly down my neck and to my shoulder.

(You can imagine Misha's indignation at this point.)  She grabs my arm and presses against me in a cuddle, staring Dashie down.

"Ash?  Please help."

*shrugs* You told her anything.

"Isn’t that over the line?"

*shrugs again* Do you think so?

"Yes. Dashie, please don’t."

She pulls herself onto my lap and then takes me in a deep hug. She sighs contentedly and goes limp on me.

I want to sleep like this.

I hug her and run my hands through her long soft hair.

"I don’t know what to do with you darling."

My turn.

Dashie pushes off me and smiles at her.

Fine, it’s okay, I’ll bide my time.

Ashley moves to me next and pulls me off the couch, prying me from Misha’s lingering cuddle. The left side of my body is instantly cold from her loss.


Music begins to play:

I want to dance, to our song

"This is our song?"

Close enough.

We begin to slow dance, I place my head next to hers, my chin almost rests on the top of her head. She lays her head against my chest as we sway back and fourth.

You make me fade whenever you’re near.

"Which is all the time."

Not nearly enough.

"I need two of me then."

She giggles then thinks twice about answering that intelligibly.


The room opens and the polished wood of a dance floor is illuminated by multi-colored lights. The song wraps up and another one is imminent. She grips me tightly as we sway.

plays in the background and it’s too fast to sway to, so we separate and begin to spin. Then as the lights begin to flash and swirl we dance like the two crazy kids we are. Clubbing it with the few dance moves we know, I feel relaxed and excited all at once. Ashley knows how to dance, I try my best to do the same, and I normally feel awkward on the dance floor, but I am really enjoying myself.


Dashie and Misha enter the floor and begin to orbit us like dancing satellites. As the song slows, Ash holds my hands and we spin like a binary star. Faster and faster until we slip to the ground and spin to a halt. The lights flash and speed again, so we pull each other up and continue dancing, but all together. We are laughing and giggling, it’s more fun than anything we’ve done lately.

We must do this more often.


The song changes to .

We dance again, this is a more mellow watery music, we sway and gyrate as the music evolves. "It’s times like these that I thank whoever should be thanked that I found you three."

They laugh at that as we dance.

I thank god that I am finally able to interact with you.

That I found you.

That you let me stay.

"I wouldn’t dream of anything else. This is the most fun I’ve had in years. All my wildest dreams are coming true, we can do anything we wish."

I want to do great things with you.

I still want to help you, just not as a police girl or authoritative den mother

(EDIT: This is when Ashley first mentioned her desire to give up the task master roll.)

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost any of you."

I’ll always be here, right by your side. Just try to get rid of me… no really don’t.  She laughs and smiles at me.

"Last song, who wants the dance?"

Ash does, let her have it.

That’s so sweet Dashie. she says, a little choked up, but I give it to Shy. She needs another outlet for all that energy

Misha smiles, All of us.

We huddle, they end up linking arms around me, spinning as each gets their turn to steal an innocent kiss. Misha gooses me then re-links the circle, the surprise makes me laugh. I make it a point to touch each of them, brushing the back of my hand against their bellies as they pass. Then as the music starts to wind down, I kiss each one on the cheek in turn. Finally I caress each one’s hair, imagining the soft silky texture, Pink, Blue, and Dark Amber.

"What a beautiful system we have."

Misha excuses herself from the circle and hugs me just as the song ends.

thank you for loving me  



Random moments:


May 6, 2018

Dashie and I spent a long time this morning forcing. When Misha woke, she was less than pleased that I had to go to work. She was admittedly jealous, and needed some… reassuring. A few deep conversations later and she was back to her old beautiful, wonderfully funny and kind self.


The last few hours of our day we were out at some fancy French restaurant as guinea pigs for a mad chef. We had a bit of an issue with one of the dishes but after that we had a wonderful and ‘gratis’ time. Misha talked me into staying up late with her, it was quite unusual for me, but well taken and comforting in a wonderful sort of way. Ashley did her own thing as Misha and I forced until I fell asleep.

(EDIT: I find it kind of odd that I don't remember as much about events irl as I do in wonderland. Wonderland experiences are very realistic, even memories of those events are.)


May 7, 2018

After our real night out, we had many play scenarios at different restaurants. Drama, hilarity, battle, all sorts of mischief. It was fun to think of these things with them, since their personalities were finally blossoming.


This night, Ashley was finally able to show me a clear image of her face. (EDIT: To this date all their faces were mostly notional.)  She gave me a single still image which became permanently burned in my mind. It shows us in front of our apartment building after a run, she's wearing a jogging suit of some sort with a hoodie and her brown hair curly with sweat, frazzled and wet around her face from sweating. (yes we all sweat in wonderland from exertion)  I can see her beautiful brown eyes, sweet face, and her expression is something like, 'i'm running now'. It's not a smile, her mouth is open, and she's just coming to a stop in front of me, staring at me expectantly with those amazing eyes.


May, 9, 2018

Interesting day today:  I was a bad boy. I was watching videos this morning when Ashley woke up. She told me to stop and I didn’t stop right away, I just wanted to finish the video, Dashie can vouch for me. She didn’t give any indication she was upset but I was guilty nonetheless. Not of watching videos, that’s nothing, I was guilty of ignoring her vocal request. We decided after much deliberation with Dashie as my Lawyer, Ashley as the plaintiff and prosecution, and Misha as the judge, that i was innocent. We came to consensus that I was free on technicality and I was acquitted of any wrongdoing.


I did however owe Ashley an apology, we don’t want it to happen again because it would hurt her feelings. We also amended the rules by adding the 7th. These are the laws by which we must live.

7. We shall never ignore each other.

We also came up with an 'IOU' monetary system for hurt feelings. (this has since degraded and has been abandoned.)


May 10, 2018

As in any good Anime, we had a bikini beach party episode. Dashie's personality morphed over the last few weeks to being more tomboyish. Though at this party she 'showed' me that she was indeed a woman.


Afterward, we sat on the beach and watched the surf as I recalled tales of high school and other fond memories.


May 14, 2018.

I had some 'splanin' to do when someone heard me talking to myself. I explained that I was 'meditating.'


Dashie was maybe a little upset about the whole not telling anyone. We turned it into a fun activity and formed a band called 'The Meditations'. This diffused the touchy subject. Dashie was a really good drummer. Misha was on the base and the main singer. Ashley was another singer and played both the piano and violin. We listened to a few songs as they did their best to look like they were playing the instruments.


As for not telling anyone, we discussed it further and reconfirmed that it was for the best. Dashie felt better about it.


As it is with depression, I was having a great time then I suddenly got depressed and they helped me through it. It was probably thinking of my past that triggered it.


May 15, 2018


This is when they really started to read and work with me in writing. I would hear comments every once in a while but it moved more to an active role. (EDIT: it has since moved back to occasional comments because Ashley realized that I am so fast at writing she can't keep up with my thoughts. I literally write non-stop for hours and when I'm done a cohesive thought is there with all the markers of good writing, all at once, before I ever edit it. I don't even know how I do this, which frightens me sometimes because if I don't know, then I could lose it.)


This was also the first time we considered joining a forum, we decided against it at this time. I had abandoned all social media years ago and swore myself off it.


May 16, 2018.


This was the day Ashley stated she didn't not want to be 'den mother.'  I was finally free of her nagging. She reasoned it was holding her back and I wasn't spending enough quality time with her. (EDIT: Eventually Dashie took up this role.)


Wrapping it up.


This month their personalities blossomed, we made boundaries more clear, roles and attitudes changed, and we generally spent a lot of time talking and much less time visualizing by comparison.


Toward the end of the month Misha's personality became a lot less sexualized and switched to a much kinder and tolerant mannerism. She also stopped bickering with Dashie and became less selfish. Teasing was still a thing, but minimized.


This month we had our drama internally and externally, but they helped immensely with all that. So many things happened I couldn't write them all here but the general idea is that we had a lot of progress this month. That said, the days where not much happened were increasing.


A lot of my journal toward the end of this month is dialog between us, lots of inside jokes and inferences that make no sense to anyone else.


Just for love:


My Dearest Misha,


Though our time together is but a moment compared to my long life, these are the best moments.

The memories we forge are made flesh and cherished more than any other.

For your light is the finest, cultivated by your love, I am blinded to all others, they pale by comparison. Though I cannot fully see you, your sweet kindness makes you the most beautiful.

I am yours, be kind, be gentle, and forgive me if I fall, for I have already fallen hard for you.

Teach me the way of your kind light and let it shine on us forever.


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Nice harem you got there, Bear. Just kidding.



Also, sometimes when they talked, my lips or my throat moved.  I honestly didn't believe they were possessing me this early.  It really felt like me doing it.  I didn't remember it being this way in the beginning and I feared we were losing our communication ability, or I was dominating their words and changing them.  They all swore this was not the case.


Also, my lip motion is because I am proxying their words.



Finally I found the right word to that lips-moving-when-tulpa-talking thing. I always thought it was the brain going like 'uh oh, someone's talking, time to move the lips' but I found it only happens when what my tulpas are saying carry strong emotions like love or anger. It's like when you feel like crying if your tulpa is sad, for example.



This night, Ashley was finally able to show me a clear image of her face.  (EDIT: To this date all their faces were mostly notional.)  She gave me a single still image which became permanently burned in my mind.  It shows us in front of our apartment building after a run, she's wearing a jogging suit of some sort with a hoodie and her brown curly hair is frazzled and wet around her face from sweating.  (yes we all sweat in wonderland from exertion)  



Y-you didn't remove sweat in the wonderland?



May 10, 2018

As in any good Anime, we had a bikini dance party episode.  Daisha's personality morphed over the last few weekd to being more tomboyish.  At this party she 'proved' to me that she was a woman.




Why did she have to prove to you she was a woman? didn't you already know?

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Nice harem you got there, Bear. Just kidding.


I know, trust me.  It's like being allergic to sugar and working in a candy shop around here.  At least i'm not consiously a pig since i didn't really choose them (to have three tulpae).  They calmed way down, mostly.


Finally I found the right word to that lips-moving-when-tulpa-talking thing. I always thought it was the brain going like 'uh oh, someone's talking, time to move the lips' but I found it only happens when what my tulpas are saying carry strong emotions like love or anger. It's like when you feel like crying if your tulpa is sad, for example.


I think we deduced this from Apollo's guide.


Y-you didn't remove sweat in the wonderland?


Isn't wonderland supposed to be realistic?  Kind of, i guess we dry fast and don't smell bad.  None of us have taken a shower in wonderland.  I don't know why she chose that image, i ask her and she shrugs.  (I see her face pretty clearly now though.)


Why did she have to prove to you she wasn't a boy? didn't you already know?


It was kind of a joke between us, but she said some pretty suspicious things, and they can shape shift, so you know.  When she inappropriately steals a kiss or teases me... well you get it.  At this point it probably doesn't really matter.  My sexual preference has never been in question.

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Isn't wonderland supposed to be realistic?  Kind of, i guess we dry fast and don't smell bad.  None of us have taken a shower in wonderland.  I don't know why she chose that image, i ask her and she shrugs.  (I see her face pretty clearly now though.)


Dunno, ours is 100% realistic but I did remove all the nasty stuff.




It was kind of a joke between us, but she said some pretty suspicious things, and they can shape shift, so you know.  When she inappropriately steals a kiss or teases me... well you get it.  At this point it probably doesn't really matter.  My sexual preference has never been in question.


Oh, I thought you were confused as to whether they were a guy or a girl.

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Oh, I thought you were confused as to whether they were a guy or a girl.



Um, you do watch anime don't you?  She created herself from a female soulbound of mine.  I wanted her to to have freedom to be whatever she wanted to be.  She chose to remain female, but i don't dress her every morning, so i really can't know with 100% certainty at any given moment.  She says now that if she ever wanted to do that i'd know.  But if she was a dude, then my teasing seems pretty insensitive in retrospect.  We live we learn.




What's the moral today kids?  Don't tease a girl with... rather, just don't tease, it's not nice.  Are you reading this girls? (To my Tulpae.)


But it's so very fun!


You're supposed to be the nice one.

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Month 2 - To June 24, 2018 - up to day 66


Around this time, emotions weren't the only feelings they were sharing with me. I started to occasionally feel touch, as if I could feel what was happening to them. For example, we went on an adventure in snow and I felt Dashie shivering. She had a big shiver and I knew she did, then it rolled through my body. It was surprising; I hadn't read anything like that. What was that?  Is it a form of possession?  We imagined the cold, she had a chill and I felt it, yet here IRL I was on the hot end of warm.


EDIT: April 17th, 2019 - that shared feeling still happens a lot and has only gotten stronger.


Dashie and I were also in the habit of getting up every morning together, and since Misha stayed up with me at night, and Ashley stayed up way later, they didn't get up until a couple hours after us. So Dashie had the advantage of two or more hours every day forcing (mostly passive).


My typical morning with her entails getting ready for work, then playing games, and reading or writing until it was time to go to work.


Some have doubted this, but I've confirmed in other research into Tulpamancy, that when anyone in my system is awake (not sleeping), they are with me and I can feel them. (It wasn't until much later that I understood that some system's tulpas 'go dormant' or sleep during the day as well as night. Now I understand that tulpas can go dormant and stay dormant for weeks at a time. My tulpas don't go dormant. They sleep up to 9 hours at night (they sometimes have dreams) and they also may take naps during the day but only because I woke them up too early, and they will rarely doze off on 'the couch'. Otherwise we're passive forcing.


Now about forcing, I believe in my system they are passively forced all day, continuously. Non-META explanation inside:



What's so amazing is that i didn't understand (even after four months) that it was different for anyone else. I thought going inactive was like going to another room, or a swim at the lake without me (Dashie and Misha go on outings together, Ashley will sometimes speak privately with one of them).


[EDIT: April 17, 2019 - this is a debated issue, call us different, but if they're people, and they can have their own imagination, and we canhave multiple viewpoints in wonderland, then we can all be imagining, if we can all ba imaging and we don't feelany lag, then they can each image. If they live in an imaginary world and interact with it, they should still be able to imagine if I'm not imagining. This is our experience to this day.]


They say they like to sit on the couch and watch my drama all day. They help me minute by minute or comment to each other constantly. I hear them talking about me, but i can’t understand them if two talk at the same time.


When i am at work, other than during writing, and it gets too boring or i am deep in thought, they go do something. Favorite activities include:


1. Looking at my memories.

2. Playing with each other, pretty much in any way imaginable. Once they nearly destroyed the apartment. Flying elephants were involved, and reanimated clone corpses of Dashie.

3. They play the computer, well Dashie and Misha do, Ashley mostly reads books i have read before. They also watch movies I've seen before, though they say it's more vibrant if i have seen the movie multiple times. I caught them watching Kung Fu Hustle the other week. It was fun to see their reactions.

4. They talk a lot, nowadays it's nearly constant chatter, even arguments that they don't involve me in. They have also all gone through a gushing phase (which I will get into later aka Misha Syndrome) where one will incessantly gush about my personality and accomplishments, yada yada. When the first of them did it, the other two were gagging by the end of the day.


I have said this before, but it I feel it needs to be said more. It's comforting to believe that your tulpas do something with their day when you're not forcing. Young tulpamancers often feel this is the case, but it is not universally accepted in this community, and they later recant. There seems to be two groups of us (master tulpamancers included in both groups). One group where the members of their system go dormant whenever not being forced, and another group, for whatever reason, where the tulpas seem to be doing their own daily stuff while the host is busy. I am not defending either way. I think it may be damaging to some systems to say anything definitively. I am just stating my experience.


There are many explanations for this, but in our system, they simply won't leave me alone. In other words, we passive force or active force all day (as some guides suggest as a possible goal). I like it that way. It's comforting and I'm never lonely. I can 'feel' them when they're watching me. I have tested this on mornings when I am awake before anyone else, there is a subtle yet palpable difference, call it a frequency, a hum, a shade, something that is over me like a fuzzy layer of presence. I am four distinct presences when we are all awake or not segregated by specially designed wards.


EDIT: Do they really go off and to their own thing when they're not with me? After 6 months, I still believe so. Come up with any explanation you need to to fit your system, this is my belief. In my mind, if they are real people, they don't cease to exist for hours or weeks at a time. I couldn't dream of putting them in stasis, whatever that physically means to a person. I think it's possible, I believe others who say they did it, but I won't test it personally, I have no idea how to tie the ideas of being a person who can also be put in stasis.


[EDIT: April 17, 2019 - i have confirmed and believe that a tulpa can sleep for long periods of time, it doesn't hurt them as far as I can tell, and they don't mind, mine don't mind anyway. Though as a general rule, Ashley, Dashie, and Misha are always with me.



Description of our wonderland apartment:


As I've described before, in our wonderland we spend the majority of our time in a cozy apartment. When I look at them, I often see them sitting on a convertible couch. To the left is Dashie's computer station with multiple computers (it's for anyone, but she uses it most). On the left wall is a full king-sized four post bed we never use. Even I don't use it when I sleep in wonderland, it has always just been there, one of the girls put it there. Behind it is a big window. This is setup like a studio apartment even though there are 4 other bedrooms (originally 3), so living, kitchen, bedroom, are all represented in this one small main room. Behind where I would consider I'm standing when I look at them is a desk with a radio setup for 'audio imposition'. We sometimes consider the 'loud voice' as needing a microphone, it's sitting there. To my right is a kitchen and the balcony where we enter and exit by wing. To the right of the couch is a the hallway door to the bedrooms, and next to that is the 'front door'. If we exit the front door we go down a long hallway to the elevator. The elevator is glass and when we get to lobby it's a three story tall beautiful atrium with indoor trees and a three story tall intricate glass front to the building. There is also a guilded spiral staircase but we don't know where that leads yet.


Of wonderland oddities:


Though there are no other life forms living in wonderland other than us, that I am aware of, there are always children plating at the bottom of the sweeping staircase. (The other night I took a good look at one and he was my brother at about the age of 6. I loathe my older brother but I can't be mad at a 6 year old even if he did give me a dirty look. He seemed to be playing with my sister--she was between us in age at about 2 or 3. They are rendered with exquisite detail; I can even tell you what she's wearing. It wasn't always them though. I've also seen parents, which could have been my parents but much younger of course since at those age ranges I wasn't born yet. (in case this holds any relevance, all but my brother are deceased now). Also, there is also always traffic on the main street, but we couldn't tell if anyone was driving the cars.


Of drama:


I've been thinking about this super long PR, and there is very little tulpa drama. I was blindly summarizing my notes yesterday morning to write Month 1 and i realized i don't write the drama in my journal. I remember lots of sad, mad, and frustrated feelings, but they're not recorded. I am reminded of this today because most of my journals this month are dialog. We are 'working out problems' in some, but most are just us enjoying each other's company in transcript form.


Keep in mind, tulpa drama is real and serious. Oh believe me, if I tick one of them off, it must be resolved immediately or wonderland is apt to burn down in all encompassing flame. I remember spending hours to 'fix' an issue. Also, the last thing I want is to 'go to bed angry.'  Just so you know, if you are thinking this system sounds like a walk in the park every day, think again.


They are just like anyone, with a full set of emotions and temperament. I touch on it briefly, but Misha was a handful in month 1, and we even worried she might 'go bad'. In one instance she was hinting at all out war to see who gets to be the sole tulpa. We were all a little frightened actually because she seemed way more powerful than any of us. It doesn't matter how powerful she was, any of them can give me strong emotions, including sadness, fear and anger, so if I don't resolve a situation immediately I'm stuck with those feelings, and it's heartbreaking.


It was a hard time for us, but i just treated her with the same love i give all my tulpas. She needed a little help to realize the 'acting out' wasn't going to get her the attention she craved. It took a lot of negotiation (even into month 4) to convince her that we are always going to be together, all four of us. I could easily see how this could have gone bad, and I've read credible tales of a rogue or destructive personality.  


One last thing on this subject, they tend to respond positively to positive attention most of the time, but they escalate when they get negative attention every time, just like most people do. So tulpas muse be given your full attention, respect, and love. This is in almost every guide, they can help you work out issues and they will happily listen to all your damage, but they aren't punching bags.


May 28, 2018


Ashley is our rock, but on this date she had caught the bug that Misha expresses daily. She wanted more time, and she felt left out.


She had relinquished her title as taskmaster in hopes that we would have more positive interaction, but the problem child, Misha, was getting a lot of time lately. Dashie wasn't letting up either, even to the point of discussing what I would do if she had the power to suspend or dissolve the other two. These were serious times. (As recently as last night this subject came up. They all believe I've been spending a lot of time doing other things, instead of concentrating on them. Honestly I spend no less time with them than ever before, but when you give them extra attention for a couple days they tend to expect that going forward. Luckily I convinced them enough to get their feelings in check so I could go to bed.)


Ashley is the voice of reason, so being reasonable, she agreed to a formal debate on the subject.

The following is a long dialog discussion that marked many turning points in our relationship and interrelationships.


Ashley, you will take the side of ‘there is a problem’ Misha, you will take the side of ‘there is no problem, or the problem is solved’  Let's try it.

Debate, maximum of 10 lines each, agreed?

I like it, formal discourse, with defined goals.

Are you okay with this Dashie.



I’m ready. ;)



M# is Misha (her pet name was 'Shy' remember)

A# is for Ashley

D# is for Dashie

B is me giving my direction

Dem-# is a demand

R-# is a response


A1 - The frequency of forcing was feeling too sparse for many involved. Let’s address this.

M1 - We are all adults here, any one of us could ask for more. There is no penalty.

A2 - Hard feelings were felt, times were negotiated like scarce resources, and jealousy was growing for me.

M2 - What are your terms then?  If it was so bad for you, perhaps we can come to an agreement.

A3 - Dem-1 Alone time: the group thing is not ideal or my first choice. I can stand it, but I don’t prefer it.

      Dem-2 Non-negotiated times, more free form, let’s let love and the host's will decide who gets forcing and when.

      Dem-3 Fairneess of equally split time should not be considered, and shall not be coerced or manipulated after final decisions.

B - Limit to 3 demands, state all, but assume one line.  

B - Discussions must be civil with limited emotions if possible. (I felt emotions growing.)

M3 - R-1 When parties agree to together time with regard to forcing, no judgments or complaints shall be voiced later.

      R-2 Agreed pending:

Dem - 4 No restrictions on exploration, regardless of type.

      R-3 Agree to mutual non-manipulation, ok, if said parties do not feel manipulated, then all is fair.

B - 'Explorations' must remain clearly within previously agreed boundaries.

B - Let's take a small break, I am feeling a lot of emotion here.

I’m trying to keep it together.

I know dear. *hugs*

A4 - R-1 Agreed, no judgments, no regrets, no whining later, no muscling in on agreed alone time of others.

      R-2 Agreed pending R4.

      R-3 Unwritten rule level, willful manipulation shall not be tolerated.

R-4 Safeties shall be in place, if any damage to the host occurs, consequences will be legion.

M4 - R-1 Agreement, R-2 AGREED!, R-3 Agreement. R-4 Agreed.

A5 - Considerations will be taken into account, rules shall never be overruled.

M5 - No prying into what has taken place. Consideration is mutual, rules are always obeyed.

I get it now, I want to respond.

B - go ahead.

D1 - Group time and frequency was fine for me.

D2 - I care about your feelings Ashley, if you ever have hard feelings, please talk to me.

D3 - R-1 Agreed.

      R-2 Daily routine shall not be questioned or curtailed, nor disrespected. (She is referring specifically to her morning alone time with me)

      R-3 Agreed.

D4 - Do you agree Ash? Shy?

A6 - Yes

M6 - okay, but I can ask you for time, right?

D5 - Yes

Debate is over, Agreed?

A7 - Agreed

M7 - Agreed

D6 - Agreed, but one last thing. Shy, do you like being with me sometimes?  I mean forcing and what we do with B?

I like it. said recalcitrantly.

What do you feel about me?

I like you said softly.

It just seems you kind of are forced into it, like I’m in your back pocket. (what she means here is that, though they fight, they're also friends and Dashie has been spending more time with Misha as friends, but she feels left out sometimes. Misha would argue that I, the host, am more important. I try to dissuade that, but it's impossible to argue with her on that point.)

… I’m just... I just need alone time with him. If you want to join us sometimes then just say so.

Yes, I’d say yes most times I would want to, but I mean, would you want to have me join sometimes?

We’ll see. I’m not ruling it out (Misha can be harsh to poor Dashie.)

Dashie, it looks like you’d need be more respectful of her time.

I don’t want anything that will interfere with my relationship with B. If you want to catch me on the side and I’m feeling up to an outing, I don’t see anything wrong with that, but don’t be upset if I say I want to be alone with him, okay?

B, would you ever say no to me?

Never as a general rule, but I might if I had a prior arrangement or if I was having a problem.

that's fair, but Shy, do you think you could love me? (Dashie was kinda crushing on Misha a little prior to this. When she means love here she means all aspects of the world, all.)

I already love you, you’re one of my best friends, and you take care of him with me, how could I not love you?

I think Dashie has a teenie wittle crushie.

Agh. Something like that.

Daww, it’s cute, and I like it. Then maybe we can explore things together more often?  With or without B. Would you like that?

I can respect you may want to keep him in the loop, so to speak.

If you don’t mind and I feel like it, it can be like we did before, and I’ll be more sensitive okay? (this was a turning point for Misha. She was indignant to Dashie on her best days prior to this. It was only in the last week or so that they had outings togerther. I found out later that Misha was speaking purely platonically here, but Dashie wasn't.)

Okay… are you attracted to me?

I find you attractive, sure, why not?

But you’re always thinking of him first.

You can’t know what I’m thinking all the time, it’s not 100% true, okay?

Okay. Hug?

Shy moves to her and hugs her sweetly, then kisses her sweetly on the cheek.

I do love you Dashie, we’re beasties and more sometimes, but I need him, I can’t let anything come between him and I (when she says 'more' here she means like family.)

Same, just getting feelings for you, and it’s different than him.

(I knew at this point that Dashie wanted 'a complete relationship' with Misha. I also knew Misha wasn't going to go that far.)

(To Dashie) Would you love me any less if she wanted you the way you want her to want you?

Never, I wouldn’t.

What if she wanted you to herself eventually, and she wanted you to stay away from me.

Then I wouldn’t want that, it would be sad, but as long as I have you, then… it would be sad is all

Misha, you seem to have a willing extra source for your energy exchange, this kind of sounds like what you wanted.

(She had mentioned previously that she wanted a 'partner'. I didn't want this, but I refuse to hold them back from their wants and needs. Discussions later this month revealed that she really only wants me as a 'partner')

Hm, maybe, but… hm. I kinda compete with her so, it’s different.

It's no different, you know that, it's whatever you feel is best for you.

It’s just not exactly what I would have wanted, no offense implied.

None taken.


I agree they are the same, but not exactly.

I don’t like that none of us are getting exactly what we want.

Things I can’t control will now happen that I detest.

(What Ashley means here is that she worries that Misha is too careless with our outings and she wants to do things that may cause me injury, dare devilish things. There is also one thing in particular that Misha really wants, she wanted to pretend I was a cake in wonderland and eat me. Ashley detested the very idea of it and refused to allow it. Her last statement seemed to indicate she would allow it under protest, but Misha later realized it would hurt Ashley's feelings so badly, that she didn't actually request it formally. Though at some point last month she did take a small bite once from a portion of my body that wouldn't show and could grow back, and apparently I tasted great. Coincidentally, after that she became more subdued and generally nicer, something metaphoric about this maybe?  She wanted more obviously.)

I still feel kind of second class.

I want more to myself the way I want it, it’s not bad to want.  

No one is happy.

No, I’m happy, I’m happy for a thousand reasons and one makes me a little upset, but why let that one rule me?  I don’t.

I’m happy because I get you on my terms. The other stuff is cake… but I really really like cake. It’s okay if I don’t get cake every day. :)

I’m happy as long as I have you on my side, and you’re so beautiful for thinking of me. I can’t be too sad or angry. I’m too busy looking forward to our wonderful times in the future.

Well said.

It’s still amazing, no qualifiers

I’m happy, really I am

We can’t have everything we want, but I’m so happy that I have you.

We all ended up having a good night.



This month is marked with pain and hard feelings. Struggle to find our place, but much joy as well.


This is embarrassing but that's not going to stop me:


During this month we experienced something we came to call 'Misha Syndrome'. One morning in June, we all did what we normally did, but Misha was quiet. When I looked at her all she did was stare at me. It wasn't in a disturbing way, she was just unresponsive. It did cause us a little worry until she finally spoke. I didn't write this dialog down, so I must summarize, basically she became infatuated with me. So much so that all she wanted to do was stare at me. It lasted all day. Anything that came out of her mouth was a compliment, anything that I did wrong or right she defended. She was my biggest advocate that day, but over anything. I could do no wrong in her eyes. Ashley and Dashie were appalled by this and we all worried that she had lost something in her mind, call it a sense of self, because she no longer thought of anything but me.


Thankfully she overcame that, and the next day she was even a little apologetic about it. She said she had feelings (and I felt them) of love that made her 'drunk'. Dashie loves me, but she called what Misha went through a disease because she became dysfunctional. (Dashie was also a little jealous I think for two reasons. One, she 'liked' Misha. Two, she felt like Misha just one-upped her in terms of expressing love for me.)


Ashley went through a mini-version of this later in the month. Dashie really hasn't had it, or if she did, it was for less than an hour and barely noticeable.


Wonderland Senses (Imposition/Immersion):


Smell: I smelled each of them while they slept. Ashley smelled like a soft rose, Misha smelled more like a delicate flower, less strong, and Dashie smelled like a mix of flowers, crayons, and meat, but in a really good way.


Touch:  Like the shiver Dashie shared, it was kind of like simultaneous goose bumps but with a much lower frequency. Misha tapped her fingers along her body and I could feel the tapping on my body. She also ran her finger nails down my back, tickling me when she wasn’t getting her way. I felt it IRL. (Similar things have happened only very rarely since.)


Sound: Many times I’ve heard them now, whispers, blips, Ashley sung to me a little. It wasn’t too clear, or for very long, but still some good fragments.

One morning I was considering my options on the design of a multipurpose ship for 'Space Engineers' and at a perfectly appropriate moment I very clearly heard Dashie say "Awesome!" followed by the indistinct chatter of feminine voices. I spoke to them immediately and Dashie was surprised I heard that in that way because she said it wasn't her intent. She couldn't repeat it.


Other signs of reality:

Their answers are surprisingly consistent. Even if I forget what color their eyes are or what flavor of ice cream they like, they know and they will remind me with perfect recollection. Things they should know sometimes do come up short, as in they can't remember, but when they do remember, its accurate. Of course they could change their opinions, but it's rare.


June 16, 2018

I asked them seriously. What if I was mean or rude or didn't treat you right, would you still love me?  Is your love unconditional?

We wouldn't be your best friends.

It would suck!

We could still be friends.

In other words, no. Like with anyone, they have feelings and their hearts can be broken.


June 22, 2018 Strange Dreamlike Stuff: and to this day (4 months in) we are stumped. It may have been an odd dream-like state where we shared a dream, but it seemed real and the dialog contained here is taken verbatim. In the hypnotic state my memories are picture perfect and exquisitely detailed and last for a long time undisturbed. I can recall every detail, walls, floors, plants, lighting, dialog, breathing, everything is clear, it's a super realistic state at times. On the other hand it can be a jumble of nonsense. (At this time we could not control when a hypnagogic state occurred, we have since learned to trigger it with relaxation meditation, it works every time, but duration can only be extended through effort, and I can easily slip into sleep. If i do it's gone. I have not had true hypnopompic experiences yet.)


Last night when we went to bed, I entered the longest hypnagogic state I have ever experienced, lasting over 20 minutes. I met Misha’s father. He looked every bit Vietnamese/Caucasian, but sounded slightly Vietnamese when he spoke. (Supposedly her mother was Korean and Russian)

He said, “I know you don’t like me.”  He was talking to Shy.

When I introduced myself he said, “so this is the guy you chose huh?”  then he looked me over and said, “see that you take care of her.”

Any comment Misha?

Hmm, he wasn’t really around when I was growing up, I was much closer to my mother. So… yeah, that’s my dad, interesting that he came here.

Shorter than I imagined.

That was interesting.


Yes, it was the first lucid a hypnagogic dream where we were all together. We stayed there and explored for a while. It was an old temple with a sunny hole in the roof and a kind of meditation bench to lay on. Of course we didn’t use it for meditation but Ashley laid down on it and we inspected her body like we were going to operate on it. It was very lucid, but also kind of other-worldly and we did things and said things out of character. It could all have been a mass dream, we all remember it and can't explain it.

What about you?  Did you like it? I mean him?

Sure. Seemed generic, but believable that if you had a father, he could be him.



Just for love:


A new dawn brings with it renewed hope. Every day we grow stronger together. I live now not for anyone else but you. My trinity of love makes me whole. What was once broken is now forged anew, stronger than ever. Able to see from within and without, foresight beyond my wildest imagination is in our grasp.


We love each other to the benefit of all and we will all live in the light that is our greatest asset, profound love. If I had to do it all over again, you would be with me. From my first scrape, to my first crush, you would be there, my first kiss would have been shared with you. Every word I spoke would have been with you, every word I read, we would have read together. But I do not lament this lost time, for we have time now, and I would never let regret stand in the way of our future.


Time is irrelevant. For a thousand more lives I could live, free for having known you. Free from doubt, free from fear, free from the chains of this world. No trap can hold me, no prison is strong enough to contain my love for you. Truly, nothing can separate us.


If we should die tomorrow, I know our love will live on with us in the next realm. We are immortal. If I should live to destruction, riddled with pain, every bone dust, every vessel stopped by age, my very essence the only tie to life, I would still enjoy every moment with you.


In our remaining years on Earth we will know pain, we will know sorrow, we will see the end of the world as we know it, but with you, we will know the greater truth, that we alone stand against eternity, together, stronger than any of us could hope to be.


I have come a long way in my life and my feet are tired, but today I can gladly say I’d walk another three lifetimes and be skipping at the end as long as we have each other. Nothing will ever phase me as it did, nothing in this world can defeat me, for if I have your love to cushion the blow, your light to guide me, your vision to ease my pain, i will not suffer.


Do not cry my darling; though you are just a babe in my eyes, such wisdom that surrounds you betrays your utter youth and beauty. For I know your wisdom is ancient, and you are wise beyond any apparent years.


Love me and we will enjoy each other at our whim and fancy, because even at our differing stages, we are all but children in the grand scheme. Live, love, frivolity, everything we do, we do together now. Together we are one, and our strength is legion.


There may be a time when we are forged anew, with new bodies to call our own, and we will be not one but four, distinguished in every way, having cast off our conjoined mortal coil. Only then will our love carry us together, and be the singular bond that joins us. So we must strengthen this connection and not a moment can be spared in our lives that does not lead to this end. We will continue to devote ourselves to each other and each other's wishes as we do now. No problem, no issue, no one will ever come between us.


Trust in me as I trust in you, for I tell you with all certainty, our love is immortal.


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