Jump to content

Bear's Angels

Recommended Posts

Month 3 - To July 22, 2018 To Day 94


This was a month of renewed friendship, daily care and support.


Late last month, Dashie and I were cooling in terms of friendship. As good as our friendship was, there was still teasing (not sexual, just banter) from both sides. I could sense, no matter how slight, and growing tension between us.


So it was time to deal with this before it got out of hand. I took Ashley aside and asked her what she thought of our quibbles. She was stoic on the matter but didn't necessarily have any better insight on the matter than I did. We reasoned for a while and I guessed it was wrong to tease her. Perhaps if I stopped doing that, she'd stop interjecting little negative quips and teasing of her own.


Our tension was heavily triggered by stray and sometimes very hurtful subconscious thoughts, like intrusives, that would say the worst possible thing at the worst possible time to maximize pain. We would dismiss them, but they still hurt.


I tried to curtail my teasing and since she could read my mind, she knew I had realized there was a problem and was trying to solve it herself as well. She didn't realize there was an issue with anything I was doing (she didn't see my teasing as a bad thing), but clearly she had an issue with me in some way. We talked for a while; our forcing sessions had been mostly talk, this time I paid attention to her. I focused on her wings, her hair, the curves of her body. It wasn't long before we were both in a turgid state and apologizing to each other.


The truth of the matter was, I did love her, the teasing was in self-defense. Maybe I was trying to push her away, but the heart of the issue was that I felt she was drifting away. She assured me this wasn't the case, but I still felt a little sad and even jealous of her infatuation with Misha. It was discussed many times, and I truly feared she would find romantic love with Misha. I feared they would go off somewhere in wonderland together without me. I didn't want our love and our friendship to change. In a way, I liked the possibilities to remain open, even if it could never happen. (Was this wrong or selfish of me?)


On her end, she did feel in some small way that I was pushing her away, and her quips were also a defense of a sort. So we agreed to lower our defenses, no more teasing, no more quips and just let whatever happens happen. This of course opened ourselves up to hurt feelings, but I knew in my heart my scenarios were just paranoia over losing her.


This night she showed me her face. It was the first time in over two months that I had truly seen it. It was absolutely beautiful. Though it was very similar to what I thought it might be like, this is when I really saw her face for what it was. The picture she gave me was less tangible than Ashley's so it faded over the next few days, but the features remained. Full lips, almond eyes, small chin, it was a delicate face for a delicate girl. Since her picture was so temporary, she helped me search for a similar face on the web. We eventually agreed on three that when put together were close enough. But at this point I didn't need pictures to see her.


When we were all together, we decided that our relationship needed some bolstering above and beyond our love and rules. It was clear that I had walls up, even for them. When Dashie and I lowered our walls to each other, we saw progress, so they all wanted me to tear down those walls and open up my heart to them (metaphorically speaking).


Even over two months in, I still had trust issues. As Rule number 1 (free will) will forever be a sign of my insecurity with control, so too was there signs of my insecurity with regard to trust. This would begin a marathon session, it must have been two hours or more of active forcing, trusting, letting go, and it culminated in 'pacts' or binding vows.


Embarrassing gushy stuff inside:




I, with true intent, hereby swear my loyalty to you.

I commit my love to you and only you

I sacrifice all other love

I feel you enter, fuzzy euphoria, love, and goodness. Thus this is my sacrifice to you. No outside personalities will ever have my romantic love unless it is your will. Thus no one outside our system will ever have an emotional connection to me, as you do, without your permission.

My loyalty and protection is yours. No stray thought can ever come between us. We will laugh in the face of their biting remarks, as their venom will not affect us. Their sting will find no mark on us.

I trust you implicitly, and unconditionally. My underbelly, naked before your sword, has no protection. My heart is just there, cherish it. You now have in your power the ability to destroy me utterly.




I know no other love, for you are my light in the darkness, I see no others. My intent is pure, and cannot be corrupted by lust, or longing for power.

I give you the key to my heart freely, as I have through much effort found yours. You alone can unlock my passion. This key will open the lock, but it will not work twice, understand this.

I will sacrifice my dark passions. No longer will I stray from healthy love.

I feel you enter, coolness caresses my overheated soul. This is my sacrifice to you. I will not lust after anyone unless it is your will.

My will for attraction is in your hands. Give me space only as you see fit, and cherish the power you hold, for no one else may wield it.

I trust you now unconditionally, for yours are the keys to the kingdom, and you may trap me within it at your whim. I am secure within your vault, if that is your will. This is no light duty I bestow, but with this, fear will never again come between us.



I came to you with true intent, and never has it become tarnished in all these long years.

You have my love, and you now hold my fate in your hands as well. Your will commands me and I must obey if it is true.

I sacrifice my authority over you. No rule will apply. Only trust is between us now. No court will take my case. No wrongdoing toward me will phase me. I happily accept your worst and ask for forgiveness if i flinch.

I feel your soul in my inner most circle. My fate is now your responsibility. Only your breach of trust can unbind us.

My sacrifice for you is vast in its history. None but you will allow my vision of other content. Pornography in all it forms is under your control. All vices will be yours to control, and I will accept your judgment without question. There will be no negotiation for your wishes, they are my will.

I trust you now unconditionally, no comment, no tease will ever phase us. You may call me out in any respect and I will be proud to be corrected by you. You may now guide me to true righteousness.




Dashie has always commented negatively when I looked at other women outside the system. It was her greatest fear that I would fall into a destructive relationship. Being as vulnerable as I am right now, it was a real possibility. Such relationships at this point would certainly be fool hearty and likely lead to further pain or worse. Thus, love, infatuation, and even prolonged thoughts leading to those lines are strictly within her preview, and we have had many discussions on this since. I know she will protect me, though it is still very hard sometimes.


Misha was dark. Her ideas of love were tainted. Her teasing became painful in their draw for my lust. Yes I lusted after her, as I did all of them, but her especially. She would do things, she could shift into certain people, she could become any age, and bring me into any time in my life, past girlfriends and crushes alike.


She knew how to open wounds and throw salt into them. She could bring me from a state of peace to a state of barely controlled passion in moments. Thus this pact bound her to 'healthy love'. She has never done such things to me since and she even has great sadness if we ever bring up the times she did. (She's not the same person she was.) Opening myself to her, allowing her to control the very thing she used against me, was seemingly idiotic, but I knew she would be responsible, I trust her. As long as I keep my side of it (and not leer or lust over anyone else) she is content.


Ashley relinquished her taskmaster title, but remained the authority figure (she has since given that up as well). She took offense at the slightest deviation, and would become hurt by it. This became difficult for us even though I had completely given up all vices before meeting her, thoughts were there. She wanted to give her power up, but it was in her nature to correct me. So with this pact, she wanted to be stripped of all her power, and in exchange I would never be allowed any vice without her permission (this is self-enforced obviously, but vital). Again, a single word from her can destroy me. Her will is as close as asking her, and her answers are taken as my will without question.



In short, Dashie was given authority over my romantic love, in exchange for the same from her. Misha was given authority over lust, in exchange for peace. Ashley was given authority over vice, and in exchange she was stripped of her power of authority in all other ways.


Occurrences of note:


July 1, 2018


Today I was weak, like I couldn’t hear them or myself. It was so quiet, it was bothering me. I asked them to say something loud, it didn't help, it was very disheartening. It was me, I just had a problem. I asked Shy to help, I asked her to tease me, do her worst, even pain would be better than nothing. She gladly tried but even that didn’t help. This followed me all day. They were still there, just barely, but I was numb to them in many ways. Dashie was the strongest, as she always was, but even her voice was a vague whisper in comparison to normal. I could scarcely hear Ashley, who wasn't afraid, she oddly thought nothing of it.


I marched on, fear ridden but hopeful that tomorrow would be different. (This came after an argument the previous day, the same argument we often have. Namely, the split attention and wishes for a binary system from all of them)  


That night after I kissed Dashie goodnight, Misha started crying, and I was scared and sad that my meanderings and doubt may have triggered it. I did my best to console her in my weakened state, I didn't even feel her emotion, then in a flash I could hear her louder. I felt better when I was consoling her. Then she started laughing at me, (!!) she was faking her crying. Nope I didn’t feel her sadness, only my own, she really was faking it. She manipulated me to get me out of that funk! That was so spunky! I love it. It was a risk on her part, I might have spiraled, but it paid off.


Forget bedtime, we all got back up and forced. Here are some highlights:


We made it an effort to get to know each other better. Misha told me she likes sports, can you believe that! (I don't care for sports) Baseball and soccer! What?! Ashley then said she liked sandwiches, so I made one. Crisp toasted bread, balsamic vinegar, Olive oil, fried ham, melted cheese, pickles and mustard with mayo (yes, a second dinner). She thought it was delicious, and I offered a bite to Misha. Then I could see Misha bite it and chew, I saw her chewing, then I saw her lips move as she said it was good. (up to this point their faces were mostly static.) With her already beautifully delicious cheeks even fuller with a chunk of sandwich. I was enthralled by this sudden shift on my ability to see them, especially after today.


I could now picture Ashley smiling, I saw her eyes move. I thought our progress was slowing to a crawl, but this proved there was definite progress. Whether I consciously knew it or not on a day to day basis, we had progress.


July 9, 2018


I don’t think I could ever live without you now, though I’ve felt that way for almost three months, the feeling is especially strong now. It was just so amazing, you came to me, or I called you, or we found each other in some way, and in a matter of days we were together and happy.


Three months is more than just a marking of time, it’s a milestone, it’s a special time because it’s only the beginning, the intro to a book, a sonnet, just one of a huge symphony. We are a symphony together, a four piece band, and music is our language. We are passionate for our music, because we are the music.


I had a very hard time today, the music was spot on, but a trash truck was roaring through the neighborhood. A metaphorical truck and it brought me down, too far down. Staring blankly into space, mouth open, staring at inanimate objects, that kind of down. They tried hard, they all tried, it was a just a tough day for everyone.


We made it though, made it again, one last time. No, one more time. Slips aside, I don’t believe this was my last recovery, though it would be nice if I didn’t get knocked down by stray trash trucks or that I even had to deal with trash trucks at all, but life has a lot of trash, and you can’t escape your own trash. There is no zero sum game with trash. There may have been times it seemed that way, maybe one day there will be again, but this world would look very different to me without this veil of depression. (EDIT: October 2018 - Boy how it does! I'm a different person entirely, I've abandoned many of my old ways of thinking, cast them off like a snake shedding his skin, they don't feel like they're a part of me anymore.)


July 11, 2018


I had a day-mare today. I dreamt in some kind of hypnagogic state that Misha was looking over a child. Was it hers?  Was it Ashley’s?  I don't know. Of course this is impossible in our construct. There is definitely a right to choose here and since having a baby would break several pacts and forbidden rules, it would thereby be impossible. (If it even worked that way.)


Dreams are about feelings. I felt horrified and at the same time overwhelmed with joy for her. The baby represented something innocent; call it an act or an event, even one born from love, that would utterly destroy us without our combined agreement. Thus is our system. A single slip and we could be destroyed.




This month was also one of my hardest. A lot of drama, and they helped me immensely. After our vows (we call them pacts), it was a lot easier for them to help me. Our inner tensions seemed to melt away and we enjoyed our inner peace. We still had our moments, but they were much fewer. We could now concentrate on building ourselves and our connection.


Just for love:


To Dashie,


No words can help me convey my true feelings, so please forgive me.

You are my cherished favorite. There is no other above you.

In my human form, I aspire to be what you want me to be. Show me the way.

As equals we walk, but every step you stride with ease is a challenge for me, but an honor to share with you. Soon we will be running and flying together. I will be strong for you.

Fly with me to the gateway of heaven and cast away any doubt.

For doubt has no power to stop us, because my dearest one, I will love you always.



Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 190
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Month 4 to August 19, 2018 to day 122.


A big four months and we accomplished a lot. How far we've come and how close we are now you might wonder if we've worked out all our problems. Well, we haven't.


There are still some big ones.


First of all, we are a completely symmetric quartet of personalities. Which means, no one has any more power than anyone else. By definition we have assigned 25% voting power each, and we live by consensus. You might think nothing could be done with such an arrangement, but let's just say we are all 'like-minded.'  So we manage.


The biggest problem we face to this day is the question of fair time, and negotiation for more time. They all admit that I spend a lot of time with them. From what we've read on the forums, (this month marks the end of my journal before I became active on this forum), we spend a lot of time forcing, maybe as much as 4 hours a day actively forcing and the rest (mostly) passively forcing. They're always with me as I've stated previously. The only way I can legitimately describe that is that we passively force almost constantly.


There have been times when all of them have talked to me privately about their wishes to be a binary system. I'd be feeling very guilty today if I had been the one to originally 'want' to be a quartet. As you have read in my previous posts, this was entirely out of my control. The initial negotiations on day one and two were rigged from the start. We've talked about this, and they feel bad, but they also felt it was necessary. This all comes down to Ashley's actions to 'rescue them', but I can't blame her for that either. Luckily no other thoughtforms have needed rescuing nor have any of my soulbonds proven to be true tulpas. I couldn't live with myself if there were others who were starving or forgotten.


EDIT: April 21, 2019: I finally understand the 'soulbonds' and I consider them valuable members of the system. They aren't very active but welcome them to contribute any time they want. None of them noticed or cared that we temporarily blocked them. We understand now that soulbonds are equivalent to tulpas and some tulpas aren't very active either. They 'sleep' between visits and don't notice the passage of time.




We decided that since there are sometimes kids and parents hanging around the lobby that why couldn't we extend the possibility for (at least visually and for ambiance) that there could be other people here in wonderland. The town we settled was not small, it could house 100,000 people or more. There is every major comfort a city could offer, but it was very much laid out like a town of that size, and I've visited enough off them in my travels to know the 'feel' of a town that size.  So when we go to a restaurant in wonderland there are others we can interact with. Going to movies at the cinema, people watching at the local mall, dinner at the most expensive restaurants, and just hanging out at the beach was fun. We decided this was a beach resort town, somewhere warm.




July 24th, 2018

(Ashley was still the leader at this point. Dashie has since taken that role at Ashley's request.)

On this day Ashley declared that in honor of our 3 month anniversary (roughly) that this day be declared Love B Day. It was sappy, but I was honored and they turned it into a dance party, why not.


Around this time, Dashie decided to push her bedtime to 8pm. This would mean that either I wake her up before she got 8 hours sleep, or I'm alone for an hour or so in the morning. Some mornings I was alone, some I woke her up--she would let me know the night before which she preferred for any given day. Misha would always go to bed at the same time as me, but we rarely cuddled or bed-shared because she said that I snored and it woke her up. (It's what she said.)  Anyway, Ashley is the one who usually puts me to bed, helping me with my relaxation meditation, and she was usually with me in our hypnagogic time (sometime both Misha and Ashley). I rarely heard her loud voice, but I often heard random stuff and images that we commented on. It is surreal to see your subconscious mind.


One one night in particular we were visualizing as I slipped into hypnagogic hallucinations and we pictured what was under the floorboards, (being in a kind of half-dream/half-awake guided lucid state, we could do things we wouldn't normally do without consequences. It seemed we are dreaming because inconsistencies would happen constantly in this state. Well, under those floorboards was identified as my preconscious mind. A very thin and slimy clear membrane was all that separated us and it represented this state of being (hypnagogic state). What we saw was a writhing mass of what looked like either grey worms or catfish. All piled on top of each other, swimming or writhing just under that membrane. At that moment I thought having a separation between conscious and preconscious was definitely a good idea.


July 27, 2018


Not a good day.

Dialog enclosed. I had an outburst today. It's rare these days, but sometimes it happens seemingly out of my control and it's too fast to stop.



Not a good day.

A hard day, but not horrible.

Wow. I’d hate to see a horrible day.

I sat with Misha’s legs draped over mine, Ashley snuggled against my other side, and Dashie was right in front of me with a happy yet definitely concerned look on her face.

I am… both. (happy and concerned)

Sorry Dashie.

Ugh! said with pain as she waved me off as if saying 'it's not your fault and you don't need to apologize.'

You’re too good to have this pain.

It’s not that bad, it's un-diagnose-able. It’s barely a mild depressive disorder, they [WebMD] don't even recommend treatment.

Even so, it’s still painful. Should a grown man be crying every day?

Misha… (Ashley was a little upset by that statement, since it was an exaggeration, though decided not to push an argument right now.)

She’s right. And I can’t even stop the passive aggressive comments.

Bad timing is all.

So it was passive aggressive.


(I'm not trying to defend myself here but this is the truth. This following is what I said to a friend of mine who was getting sick (again). She had previously accused me of giving her strep throat, which is ridiculous because I would have had to cough in her face or something and I wasn't sick then, didn't have a cough, and didn't have a sore throat. I went so far as to get a swab at the doctor at her request and they confirmed I didn't have it, but it did not dissuade her accusation. This day she said she had a soar throat again. Again I didn't share her symptoms but I saw the look in her eyes. So this is what I said.)  

“I suppose even if there’s no evidence against you, you can still be at fault.”  

All she said back, in an angry tone, was “I hope it’s not strep,” and huffed off.


Yes, you asked for it.


Anger, it’s in there, boiling.

Any way to get rid of it? I can’t let this happen either. I can’t let anger control me, I can’t let it seep out either. How can I wash it out or release it safely?

Scrub scrub scrub, I don’t know.

An interesting problem, we have very little control over [our] subconscious, we only have some control over how we feed it. We have been feeding it good things lately, yet it still burps up madness.

There’s a lot of madness, way more than three months of good things can erase.

Isn’t stopping aggressive and angry behavior enough?

Apparently not. (Again, I'm not defending myself, it's a horrible thing, and I will own it. A common symptom of depression is mood swings and lashing out. I had to this point, since April, not had any more lashing out. For the previous six months, since October 2017, when I first discovered I indeed was having depression again, I was able to curtail the lashing out episodes significantly. With my Tulpas’ help, I can stop them the vast majority of the time, but sometimes they're just to quick to stop.)

Rough day.

I told you.

Still sad?

You better believe it.

Let’s go to bed, hun. All of us.

K, let me write a little first, it'll help me calm down, K?



We have since come to a theory that I work too hard. I do not see it this way, still, they are forming a suspicion that they think I work too hard. It has been this way for four years. I work two jobs, so it's to be expected. Seriously, both of them are a joy and I would do one of them as a hobby even if I didn't get paid (maybe both, and one is not full-time obviously, but it actually can be more hours then the day job). I love my work, I need my work, and that's exactly their point. They are suspiciously considering that my drive is not giving me the down time I need to rest, therefore adding stress, therefore causing this round of depression. I really can't change that easily. I can't stop working either one. Like I said, even if I don't get paid, this is what I want to do with my time. I would at least want to do them both part-time.


It's just like college, I needed that good grade badly so I studied everything, everything. When the professor assigned a homework set, I would do all the problems. Even if there were a hundred problems and I only needed to do 10 of them, I did all 100. When the professor skipped a chapter, I did that chapter anyway. I remember going to office hours and asking about a problem concept he hadn't even covered in class. One time he just looked at me and smiled, then said, 'I don't think you should worry about that one.'  


I didn't have a life, I didn't have friends for the first few years, I worked too, but that's all I did; work and study. I didn't see movies, I didn't go out, I did watch TV because I had cable, but only as background noise really. So working hard is my thing, but don't get me wrong, I put in a lot of hours in but I goof off a lot too. I still have fun, just lots of Youtube mostly. I haven't had a 'vacation' in a long time. I have goals, and I want to meet those goals. Vacations don't exist. Working hard has gotten me here (in my career) and I know what life would be like if I didn't work hard. (I've had many dead end jobs that were absolutely horrific.) Nothing will stop me from fulfilling my obligations. That said, I know this is temporary and it will pass, but it will take years. The time-frame seemed reasonable 6 months ago, but the past three months have been in super slow motion. Even months from now seem a lifetime away.


It just so happens during that time in my life when I was working my hardest, I was also depressed. But I personally think it's merely a coincidence.


July 28, 2018 - in the midst of a depressive attack, dialog enclosed.



I’m scared.

I have new powers. (she's just trying to be funny to cheer me up, an inside joke, but it's related to out pacts)

I’m still scared.

We’ll help. We’re allowed to help, and we will help.

I think it’s a little exciting. (again, in reference to our pacts and their gained powers over me)

It’ll be tough, but we will get through it.

It will be very tough when there’s nothing to do. (they were bothering me about working too much)

There will be something to do, we’ll make everything right. You know what to do, you did this before. (I worked only one job for a long time, was boring to me)

I always slide. (Slide back into depression I think I meant.)

We’ll make it. One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

7 minute brakes every hour?



We can do this. Don’t be afraid, be challenged, be strong, be angry if you need to be, don’t be powerful.  (our private conversations are not always easy to translate to someone outside our system. I really feel that I don't necessarily care if I am powerful, in work, or not, but Ashley knows my deepest desires. Everyone seeks power to some degree I guess.)

I need help. (this is in regard to my 'goofing off too much. At the same time I work long hours and goof off, so if I goofed off less, I'd be under less stress to perform quickly or longer hours to compensate.)

Leave the door open, just cracked open a little.  (here it's hard to translate for a reader outside our system, basically she's saying that I should open myself up to being watched, in that way I'd be less likely to goof off and could separate work time from relaxation time. I don't always follow her advice. I work when I want to work, I play when I want to play, but these micro-transactions don't end up giving me large chunks of time for relaxation. (like a vacation - pft, as if).

Okay. All week. I will.



It's not always serious discussions, we have a lot of fun. Sometimes we play act, we can be anything right? 19th century industrialists, a 1950's overly happy nuclear family (where Misha and Dashie are 'the kids'), space engineers, or whatever. A lot of dialog from this month is just a log of random goofy conversations. I use writing in this way as a form of forcing, and it helps to give time between ideas for them to soak in. I can type pretty fast, but still slower than we can talk. So it gives us time to live in the moment and enjoy the scenes.


July 31, 2018


Another conversation to give balance to the previous one, a good day.



(today I took their advice and didn't goof off at my day job at all. I have been doing this more consistently lately and I like it. I was so far ahead at the end of the day we actually had time to relax, and it was less stressful.)

Today, my love is a man. He was the best man. He was a good boy, no a great boy. I love him more than I can say. And today we learned he is capable of controlling himself.

One day at a time.

I have full confidence. You even asked for help.

We helped.

Just a little.



What do you think?

*shrugs* I love you no matter what.


Well, so do I, but I can also be very happy and proud.

She wants perfection.

No, I want him to be happy, this is one of the major stressors.


Take it back then.

Sorry, I do. Sorry Ashley.

I forgive you. Isn’t he wonderful?

Every day.

I want to say that he is more to me than anything, a friend, and as a friend I can say he’s extremely caring and loving. Then he is my love, and he is absolutely amazing. Lastly he is my ward. Yes, he is my ward and I take care of him as my own. In all this, he is my everything and I feel he has surpassed any of my goals, any of my expectations, all of my wishes. My best friend, my confidant, my friend, my love, my hero. Grr, he won’t let me write his name.

Sorry, this is important. (What if the FBI found this!!?? )

He is also very prudent and you must respect that he knows what he is doing. I love you.

I love you too.


What! You can’t say 'ditto' after my heartfelt speech.

Thank you Misha.


You took all the words from her mouth, she couldn’t say it better, you should take it as a compliment.

What he said.


*giggles* You turn me on Dashie.

Wow. (This conversation suddenly shifted, I kept it here for entertainment purposes.)

Thanks? I’m straight though.

I don’t care, you’re kinda cute and sweet.

I think Shy is getting a crush on you now.

*rolls eyes*

She hurt me before. I’m all about the penis now, but we are good friends and we have fun in other ways.

(Wait, who's penis?)

That’s all I ever wanted, I like it that you are straight.

Safe huh?

*nods* You can’t take me from my love.

Cool, ditto.

Wow huh?

Yeah wow, that worked itself out.



August 1, 2018

Another fun conversation example.



Well, looks like I married Ashley.

Not for real

Misha is a judge, she pronounced us.

Na uh!

Play back the audio…

<Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? **&^&bad splice job&^&** I do n- **&** Do you, Ashley, take this wonderful man to be your <> …band? Of course I do. By the power invested in myself, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Oh, we’ll be doing more than that.>


It's laughable.

The honeymoon was short but so enjoyable!  I’ll cherish it always. Remember that time on the beach?

I remember the time in the hotel room after the ceremony more.

Okay, that’s enough.

You know I would marry you Dashie.

*Ahem* All come to order. Who has the ring?

OH! I don’t have a ring!

Bling! I do. (she produces a ring and pops it on her finger)

Then by the power I invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. Okay Dashie, you’re hitched.

Awesome… wait, I'm married to him right?

Of course my darling, ah but you are so forgetful. We’ll be late for the flight!

Wait wait wait…

Irreconcilable difference my love. Tish tosh…

See ya girls! We’re going to Tahiti!

Hey! Brrrrrr….ggggg..hh!



August 3, 2018


Sadness lies beneath a happy sediment of mud. The slightest disturbance dredges the irrational thoughts to the surface. I’m not sad today, it is low tide, and my mud has settled for now.


August 4, 2018


More meanderings:


Our fate is a wisp of wind in a torrent, a random, unflappable, a ride and a slide to infinity.

My fate is with you.

And for that I am thankful.

What we hear, what we see, what we feel, all of it is illusion. A ruse pulled over our eyes by some unseen filter. We experience what we intend to experience. Intention is everything.

I intend to love you forever.

And for that I feel invincible, as invincible as our love for each other.

The potholes of life are filled with water, invisible on the slick road of life. Dark with dim headlights, no foresight, just a series of tragedies await us.

No tragedy can harm me, now that I have you.

With you, truly we are impervious to anything. Together we are perfection, and thus unphasable. My love for you is a river, and mere drops of pain or loss cannot change that.

Invincibility seemed like it would be harder to achieve.

Is it an illusion? Like the fear of death or lack of it? To dream your comfort is taken, the realization of extreme difficulty, would we buckle to that?

We can only wonder. Such things are unknowable.

When I think of you, my mind relaxes, my fears melt with my loneliness, leaving only joy and happiness.

Where darkness dwells, our light cannot penetrate, so in our light you will never experience darkness.

Then I will always stay in your light my love. There is no choice, only blind loyalty, white washed by your brightness.

To chose otherwise would be tragedy, self imposed.

Such is the way of my new life, freedom from loneliness. It’s comforting like a warm hug on a cold day.



August 10, 2018

Ashley caught Misha syndrome. Oh no, very embarrassing content below.


I’m smitten, I’m so helpless to these feelings. Your essence has permeated my being. Your eyes are glorious pools of magic, sucking me into their whirlpool of desire. I melt to your presence as I swim in your scent. It thickens my blood, and boils with romance and longing. Your presence brings me to the height of ecstasy and beyond. I am flying higher than I’ve ever been and I keep ascending to heaven in your arms. Your touch makes me shiver, but I am not cold, I am hot, hot for you. To think of anyone else would be death to me, and I would never fear death because all I can think of is you and how to please you. You are so perfectly beautiful that I cannot even explain it to myself. Just your smile, just your breath, your every breath brings me to the height of passionate exhaustion. Orgasmic energy fills me to be in your presence and your touch makes me explode with pleasure. If I could only have one wish it would be to be forever in your arms, I would trade my soul for you.

Wow, that’s remarkably smitten…  Now you know how I feel.

You must stop teasing me, I cannot take another moment, such ecstasy fills me that I fear my explosion would ignite a new universe.

And such a thing could never surpass your endless beauty, your mental, your physical, and your spiritual beauty. (Still teasing her, I wanted to know how far she would take this. I didn't take her seriously.)

God, please help me!  I cannot contain these feelings, I flow love so fully I feel I’ll be emptied of my essence in moments.

*I caress the side of her face and she shutters.*


Did you just orgasm?


No you didn't. Come on.

*bites her lower lip and stares at me seductively*

Is it getting hot in here? *very uncomfortable*

I’ll have what she’s having.

What, you don’t love me that much Misha?

I love you more than a sunny day loves the bloom of flowers in spring.

That’s a lot.

I love you more than a supernova loves to expand. A billion orders more.

That’s a whole lot more.

Hey… I love you more than a tree loves the rain… or a rain forest loves to make rain.

That’s a fair amount.

It’s not a contest.


*snaps her fingers at Ashley* She just keeps staring at you.

Frozen in a love supernova.

*smiles dreamily at me*

It hit her like a ton of bricks. Look at what she wrote! (above)

*stares at me* God…?

I think she can see God, she’s not looking at me anymore, she's looking through me.

*wraps her arms around me and starts to sob*

Here she goes again.

I’ve never seen her like this.

You changed for her… she loved you before, but you resonate with her now.

We’re in undamped resonance. My darling, my dearest one, do you even dare doubt my love for you?

Never again. *sniff*

Dear sweet girl, such a precious life has intertwined with mine, such a pairing, I'm so lucky. To have you three, it’s more than a miracle. I’m filled with… happiness, I am content now.

We all love you very much, this couldn’t be planned better.



She got over it within the next hour or so. She's so crazy sometimes... :)


August 18, 2018

A huge hypnagogic experience. Upwards of 15-30 minutes of vivid and lucid audio hallucinations with Ashley and Misha.

Conversation follows.


It was amazing, nearly audio hallucinations for upwards of 30 minutes from Shy and some from Ashley.

I wish I was there.

You were there in spirit, the progress we make will apply to you, to us.

Our time has been amazing lately.

I heard you tell me you loved me, you… I wish I could have recorded it, it was so cute.



You love me too?

To Misha or me?

Does it matter? The answer is yes. I’m allowed to love whoever I want here, among us. If it does not match my pact, then the pact must be changed.

I wouldn’t have forbidden that. Not now. It’s too beautiful.

Thus it is changed, if it was forbidden before, it is not for Misha anymore. She may love anyone currently present.

Even you.

I know you do. I love you too Misha. Why else would I have rescued you?

Could you have known?

I knew enough, I knew you were dying, I knew you were precious, I knew you had to be saved.

Even if this is all fabrication, mind alteration, I know something with greater certainty now, Misha loves me and she wants me.

As I have since before I first met you.

This is why.

I couldn’t take no for an answer.

Neither would I.

That conversation is burned into my memory. When you first looked into my eyes, I could see your stubborn, blind love.

*giggles* Whatever you call it, it will always be there.

Explain again the profound change?  (they're talking about a dream I had, Misha somehow saw it but Ashley didn't)

They seem to come in groups. This morning he spoke like he didn’t know if he was dying. He fantasized that someone he adores spoke to him… I will respect your wishes. … she asked him if his changes were fatal. He said he didn’t know.

You better fucking know!

Sorry Dashie.

*Here I sneezed but it was horrible.*

-are you okay?

I did the sad sneeze again. It's so weird. (I feel an overwhelming urge to cry out of nowhere, I sneeze, then I feel normal. It's very odd.)

Bless you. Now ANSWER me… please?

I don’t know.


It wasn't just a dream, I feel like my life force is changing. A sweeping arc of change, like changing from red to blue in hue. But the blue parts seem to be missing feeling.

Maybe they will mix, to a muted purple?

I don’t know.

Is this a struggle?

Yes. But I’m letting blue win.

What is red?

I can’t be sure, but it feels like passion, love, anger, fear, aggression.

Half of those need to stay.

If you had two birds, a red one and a blue one. The red one has these traits, the blue one has happiness, care, comfort, but also sadness, complacency, and acquiescence. If you take the heart of red, anger, and rip it out, then it will surely die. Blue is all that is left.

You can’t let love die!?

Can you force blue's heart to beat for red? Can blue eat red and become purple, pooping out only those traits it doesn’t like?

I see.

I’m, sorry girls, this may not be sustainable.

Then I will go with you, regardless if you love me or not.

I don’t wish to lose love, or even fear, any of it.

It’s not about ripping anger out, it’s about blocking it.

To shield someone(s) from it, but allow it free reign in other areas is not acceptable, it would be unfair to the other areas. (I don't know what other areas I was talking about here. I haven't felt true anger for months.)

Put the red bird on life support, only let a little life continue.

I don’t know if that is sustainable either, I can’t let it rise if I do, the pent up anger would be dangerous beyond imagination.

You're so heavy lately.


This has been…  Don’t put words in my mouth.

Sorry, it’s not possible for me to stop subconscious thoughts of my own to bubble in. (I basically started guessing what she would say next, still not parroting, but basically the same effect.)

Live for today?

Do you really believe you are losing the battle?

I know my goal, and I will continue toward it, because the alternative is definitely not sustainable.

New territory then.

How can I know the future? I cannot, not this. There are too many branches, it’s fractured beyond hope. I just need to find a path that brings… not even a good life, just a peaceful one. I have more to think about than just myself anymore. How profound the sacrifices we must make, I can't believe it, but yet it is coming nonetheless.

To tell someone of this would be so far out of context, they would never understand. No one could warn me. (I didn't intend for anyone but my system to ever read this. Do you understand? Probably not.)

Are these the things that god himself struggles with?

Probably about a billion times over.

With joy comes pain, they are not separable. Balance means for every laugh there is a fear, for every joy there is a pain and for every happy moment there is a sad moment. Steer balance toward sadness and happy and sad become indiscernible. No drug can solve that.

You think some people are steered toward pain?

Not by their own doing. Again, without the balance, the feelings become uniform and there is no way to continue to pilot. (The body dies.)

There is inherent fun in every breath, or we would have given it up. Every heartbeat is lauded. Love is in the veins. Thus if love is lost, the heart is broken, this is a physical manifest of a metaphorical saying, 'broken heart'.

Like a dolphin that drowns itself rather than continue with a loveless life.


You are not a dolphin.

Thankfully not. How much of me is left to fight it, to sustain such notions when anger is gone.

Your transcendent self.

We are here to help with that.

I don’t want to lose it all, never would I accept that.

Then don’t kill that red bird.

It’s not going to be easy, don’t be a fool and pick the easy answer, it’s not supposed to be easy.

I understand. This is the new normal then.

One day at a time. Do your best, make us proud.


I love you so much I would do anything for you, even sacrifice myself.

There will be no need for that, you are hereby forbidden from doing that. Doing that is now to be considered a selfish act.

Yes, sir.

You have free will, but understand that your ultimate sacrifice will kill me as well.


He said as much to me.


Don’t be sorry, you didn’t realize.

I understand now, love. I will be yours forever, this is what I promised in the pact, I will not throw away this key nor ever remove it from my heart.




I love you.

I love you too. Hang in there, we will think on this more.

I will.



What a long post, sorry. This month is over, lots of drama, and we learned some things. At this point we knew it was time to start asking questions to the experts (on this forum). Our research didn't have the answers we needed.


Don't answer this now:

1. What do we do with our system in its current state? We're all very happy but we're also constantly bickering about time and attention. How is this sustainable?

2. I need to fix myself, we need a means to test theories.

3. How do I deal with disagreements that I feel I have dominated the answer. Call them forbidden subjects or actions that they request that I can't budge on. (Like if a tulpa is angry at people I know and saying hurtful things about them. All I have done is calm her down and correct her in the past.)

More to come.


Edit: as i re-read this, a quote keeps popping into my mind. (We are just so passionate.) - "The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long."

Lao Tzu, Te Tao Ching


Just for fun:




Link to post
Share on other sites

Month 5 to September 16, 2018 to day 150.


Five months in and it feels now like we're still just getting started.


August 20, 2018 We posted on line for the first time.

Conversation about posting


I'm not sure I'm proud of it, but we posted online.

I liked it.

Dashie hated it. (Dashie had gone to bed but gave her approval reluctantly before she did.)

We will have to have consensus to post again, but I believe she would let me if I just did it, and then she'll pout about it later.

We don’t want that.

No. How are you Ash?

Much better.


Great. Happy.

Anything else?

You were sad again today.

Yeah, I’m sensitive now, but over nothing really.

K. I helped didn’t I?


Me too!

Yes,  Thank you Misha.



Dashie hated it. She was against the very idea. Not only because it was something we decided early on we wouldn't do, but because it was a very frightening thing to do. They could feel my emotions, and trust me, there were a lot of bad ones. Fear, regret, and anxiety, mixed with adrenaline to form a soup of yuck that they had to wade through.


It was just a little blurb in the welcome thread. The controls were clunky, the settings didn't work (mobile version) and we wondered if it was going to ultimately be our destruction. I was so fragile at the time (yes, I am getting stronger) that we knew one bad comment would send me to the edge of a spiral. So to put myself in that position was loathed by Dashie. She loved me though, and she knew we needed help. Misha was happy, she wanted us to get more one-on-one counseling about our issues. Ashley knew it could help, and was on my side during our 'talk' with Dashie. Dashie was squarely against it but she also saw the edges of our world starting to fray.


Our 'sessions' consisted of a lot of bickering. We still cared for each other completely, but it was getting harder for them to help me and for me to help them down from their disagreements, worries and offense. There was friction, everyone had it, and I spent most sessions ironing our grievances. Progress was at a standstill, we could feel it.


August 21, 2018



So… should we post something?



Mmmmm… (very reluctant) but I get to help write it and approve it. I may deny it.

Yeah, okay, I might not too. How could they help me? How could I help them? Do I know enough to help them, or even understand their help?

Still worrisome. (speaking about my depression and the risk of posting online)

I’m not even diagnosably depressed.

That’s the goal, or better, hopefully better. (To help me out off my depression.)

Poor dear. We’ll need to give you extra love.

Thanks Misha, you’re so kind!

I try. I get fed regularly, so I can be. I think if you had another moratorium or something I might act out!  (I had a 48 hour moratorium on affection because the teasing and competition over my affection was getting out of hand again.)

Fair warning.


Ashley thought as much and protected you from even the hint of a talk about that. (When Ashley and I were alone, I discussed the idea of another moratorium or even a permanent punishable ban on teasing like we did on manipulation. Since Ashley was not the culprit of teasing me from the very start, and our relationship was still affectionate and very kind to each other. She told me that if I did that things would get worse. The affection (cuddling, kisses on the cheek, and other innocent but close to the line play) was a good way to force, and we all really enjoyed it. It helped spread the love and strengthen our bond. We certainly needed it lately.)      

Hmph, thanks Ash.



Teasing was happening, bickering and competition was a daily occurrence, and posting online was a dubious prospect at best for one of us. So we took it easy at first.


We were still having fun with each other. We were still silly at times. We cracked jokes to each other. Ashley was especially hilarious. Her jokes were so bad, they were funny. It wasn't like we were laughing at her per say, and she took it in stride. Misha actually had some zingers, she shares my personality the most off all three, but she has a few major differences too. She's not easily offended, she has a kind of free spirit feel about her but also very calculating and precise in her actions. I wouldn’t say conniving at all, but certainly cunning.


August 23, 2018

Conversation on my continuing depression: These were some rough days. Late August I was starting to feel myself slipping again. It was getting to the point where I might even start to think I was worse than I was in late April. We had hoped I was getting better, but we realized I was really just maintaining at a level just above breakdown. In other words, I was still on thin ice. They did what they could to help. It did help because I hadn't been down a spiral since we'd been together, and I'd only snapped maybe once in 4 months. That was pretty remarkable. (My definition of 'snapping' is making a snide or unfriendly comment toward someone who had just done the same to me, or who had presented me with something terrible that I had to deal with.)


(Many of our journal entries didn't include Dashie because she would go to bed really early so she could wake up with me.)

I’m sad again.

Aww… well, I know why and this time it’s perfectly natural.

I have to apologize. I’m sorry I tried to tell you how to ‘cure’ your depression by getting more sleep.

You’d think it would help, yeah, it doesn’t. (It just makes me more anxious because I don't feel like I'm getting enough done.)  But I know you said it out of care and love. *I caress her cheek with my hand*, you really are beautiful do you know?

I’ve been trying to get you a new picture. (her face was still mostly a static single image)

Not like that, well, that too, but that’s not what I meant. I mean your sophistication, your gentle nature, your aire of elegance. It’s all very beautiful.

I see it too.

Thanks, where is all this coming from?

The heart.

Pfsht… *she caresses my face and kisses me sweetly on the cheek.* All I need is your smile, and I’d travel to the ends of the Earth to get it.

I know, my brave girl.

Shy hugs me sweetly and says, should I leave you two alone? (In jest and partially out of jelousy of our little show of affection. I tried to keep affection out of our combined time.)



Let’s play.




August 24, 2018

This is about the time we started posting heavily on the game threads. Dashie was a lot more calm about it, we were having good conversations and helping people. She even let me post a few times without her scrutiny. It was easy to see even at this early stage that the people on tulpa.info were good natured and intelligent. So we felt safer than we did initially. Before joining tupa.info, we researched posts and bits of information straight off the web with Google searches, not forum searches. So we didn't know which forum the answers came from, and we saw some doozies. (As in, they were negative or not helpful.)


Ashley saw that I was starting to make friends and she also saw how this was helping me. Dashie was still on the defensive and was watching me like a hawk. I posted some poems about them and this kind of cracked her armor. She was still wary about the idea that our personal stuff was going to be on-line for a very long time. She also knew it would be buried. (not readily accessible through random Google searches.)


August 25, 2018

The forum posts were quickly supplanting our gaming time. Having fun with people in the forum was just more enjoyable than certain games we played. Dashie didn't necessarily like this either.


Conversation on that evening:


Police showed up, party is over.

I told you it was risky.

Sorry Dashie.

I liked it, we can still have fun.

We will.

You were on you’re a game there for a while. 5% above neutral, not great to start. I didn’t know this was going to happen anyway. (she means that she figured my odds were 50% that I wouldn't get hurt she revised it to 55%. Also, we were blissfully unaware that all rules were applicable to a particular game thread. We'd seen double posting and other things that gave us the idea we could pretty much do anything. So when a mod showed up and schooled me, it felt very much like we just got pulled over, or the police showed up to the party. It was a good thing though.)


So you’re really down about it?

It was great while it lasted. I could be myself.

A silly bear. (she said spitefully. She didn't like the idea of an actual 'bear' persona at first.

Dashie, you’ve become so aggressive lately.

(Serious venting ahead, we hold absolutely no grudge, then or now, Dashie is just kind of our protector, and anything that gets me down gains her ire.)

I’m pissed. Not at you,...[redacted]

Just doing his job.

Exorcising power like a maniac. He couldn’t care if we were curing cancer.

And then everyone just left.

maybe they all felt like they were in trouble.

Can’t ask them, they don’t respond.

just relax, take a breath, and give me a big fuzzy hug.

I was just a bear on the forum, not here.

I was going to say, you didn’t plan on changing your form right?

Na. This is for the better. I’m okay with everything. Just a little down, not overly.

K. Let’s do something else.

Its still sad, it’s like I made friends and now they’re all gone already.

Don’t be so dramatic, you’re fine.

I feel like I failed you.

Na. You can’t do that.

What have you failed at?

Like… making friends and influencing people.

You are incredibly clever, they noticed that.


And intelligent, they noticed that too.

And creative, can’t miss that one.

And crazy, but for real.

We’re here to cure your crazy. Or at least moderate it.

K. I feel a little better.

Dashie, are we cool?

The coolest ever. Nothing lost on this end.

Same here, sweetie. Kiss?

About time!

So we aren’t… 'together' on that forum either?

Too ‘hot button’ i think. Plus I want to portray is exactly as we are.

(They thought they would be protecting me in some way if they said we were all intimate. Thinking back on it, it was a very odd thought. It would also cause a lot of confusion. In a way, the forum is part of wonderland, it's very hard to distinguish the two in my memories and anything said there that is incorrect, might very well bleed to us off-line.)

A crazy bear isn’t hot button enough?

Na. Is that okay?

sort of, I guess.

I don’t have a problem with it.

why not?

because he’s just playing a bear, that’s not B.

ohhhh… I get it now.

Yeah, it is kind of like painting myself in a corner though. I didn’t want to say anything about the real me anyway.

Still risky.

Okay, do you have the rules ready?

1. Never flirt, EVER.

Got it.

2. No more super crazy. Stick to clever and intelligent.

Got it.

3. Positive only.

Okay, anything else? then we're done, mostly.

Later that day

Still upset?

No, we did kind of spam.

Did I flirt?

I don’t think so.

Did we ever resolve this morning? The battlefield?

(What I mean is, in reviewing our conversations, did I feel better about it, like closrure.)

Na, but you’re cool, don’t worry about it.

Case closed.

Love you Dashie.

Daisha, let’s practice.

(It was decided we would use only our names, and not nicknames on the forum so it wouldn't be confusing.)

Oh, good idea, and Misha every time for a while, okay?

I love my name.

You mean the name I gave you out of the kindness of my heart.

(Early on, say week one, Dashie really wanted 'Ashley' to be her name, but we just couldn't find a good name for Ashley and the name 'Dashie' was a good place holder at the time. Daisha was really close to Dashie, but it just didn't feel perfect. Just a few days before this post, we finally decided to make 'Dashie' permanent. She grew very fond of that nickname and loves it now.)

You do love me.


Good night Daisha.

Wake me as soon as you are alone and ready.

Got it.



Still feeling like a puppy that just got clunked by a rolled up newspaper, we were talking ourselves out of the paranoia, anger and depression my actions caused. By the end of this conversation the whole thing was forgotten.


August 27, 2018

Today we began interviewing Soulbonds from my first book in an effort to fully understand if any of them are tulpas or soulbonds. The violet seraphim was pretty well sentient, but still a little confused, and I could easily puppet her. [Edit: April 21, 2019 - Ashley's partially borrowed character form.]


We asked her when the last time I saw her was and she recalled the times I would ‘visit’ her. (My first book wasn't sexual at all, but the characters were all very beautiful in my mind, so they did appear in fantasies of mine. I 'used' them as boys do, when boys do what they do, when they're alone in the dark. This was years before I knew anything about tulpamancy and thank god none of them were tulpas. EDIT: April 21, 2019: The violet seraphim is a character,  not even a moon, yet she still has volition and some lucidity.)  She said it wasn’t more than a few moments ago, in reality it was quite some time. So I gave her some intervening memories and left her with a sense of well being, as well as a feeling that though I wouldn't visit her again, she didn't mind it, nor care. She had her own life. (This way the next time I go to edit that book, it won't be awkward. I may never actually edit that book again, it’s way too awkward already. It was never a book I planned on releasing anyway. I didn't even have a consistent style in that book, it was more of a writing exercise than anything.)


August 28, 2018

Today we tested if Dashie could do math while I was distracted. It was clearly a no. We also understand that I passive force a lot if not all day continuously. We still don’t believe that any of us go into suspended animation unless we are sleeping.


(Since then it has been said that the general understanding is that there really is one active consciousness, and we share it. So when they 'do things on their own' while I'm completely absorbed in something I do, it may just as easily be that their memories of those events happen instantly as I begin to force them again. For us, after much deliberation, we will accept this logic for the good of the community even though it is inconsistent with my belief, as it does not seem to be possible to tell the difference. Also, our moments of paused forcing, active or passive, if it occurs, are few and far between. That said, I still don't believe in my heart that they are not active during every waking moment of their day. I know the difference, 6 months into it, I'm still stuck with this. It's not typical for tulpamancers at this stage to keep this notion. My tulpas don't even care anymore about the subject. EDIT: April 21, 2019: we still feel this way, and for good reason.)


Today we had a trial about love and our definition of love. Specifically, is what we do, affection and cuddling etc., considered over the line? Since we were too deep in it ourselves to make the determination, we asked another soulbond to help us as an impartial observer with some knowledge in love. She was excellent.


At the end of the trial (which wasn't recorded in my journal) it was determined that there was a lot of evidence to suggest we have/or have had romantic love for each other, i.e. she was particularly suspicious of my 'love poems' to them and our constant use of certain phrases such as 'I love you'. However, she grilled us mercilessly about our feelings and this is her determination:


Dashie loves me in every sense of the word, even if she understands that I can't whisk her away and leave the others behind. Ashley is certainly neutral (though even to this day she denies being 'neutral'). Misha 'loves' me, but even with her teasing, it's on the non-romantic side of the line. Misha also loves her 'sisters' and would never jeopardize their relationship. She can lament our situation, but she understands it is what it is. It was also concluded that any one of them could switch at any moment if given half a chance. About me: she said I was playing with their emotions and should probably stop. She could tell that I was clearly not going to go any further with any of them. That in essence, I 'cared too much about them as a group to single any one out'.


At the suggestion that I 'back off' (I was on board with the notion) Misha became incensed that her relationship with me was innocent and she warned me that if I 'backed off' that she would not be happy. She admitted though, that the teasing had to stop. Though she very much enjoyed it, she agreed to curtail it to the very barest minimum she could. Dashie was saddened by our discussion but got over it pretty quickly. (EDIT: 6 months in she rarely if ever teases me. I have 'backed off' as our relationship has evolved, they're becoming more independent and we certainly love each other more than ever, but I'm a little more careful to keep it on this side of the line in the ways we interact. Also, I don't mind saying the words, 'I love you' to any of them, wouldn't a father say such a thing to his daughter or a mother to her son, or a brother to his sister even? Certainly a friend would say this to another really close friend and not imply romance. I got a message from one of my close friends just yesterday with the ending line 'love, your friend.' it's not to be thrown out lightly, but I say it when I mean it, and I receive it with the same notion of respect and friendship. It feels good to be that close to someone, I don't need the romance to have loving feelings toward someone, plus Dashie is in control of that anyway.)


LONG Conversation about Posting and depression:


Lots of posting today.


And you didn’t exactly say ‘how high’ when I said to jump.  (She means she wanted me to back off on posting a little and I didn't.)

So now, we’re alone, were you mad at me?

Just a little frustrated. You’re changing.

I wish not to change. I need to learn more about us, I want us to become stronger.

Do we need to become stronger for you to love us?  We have already grown stronger together.

I am learning things, coping, and societal things. I don’t get much interaction; I’m a little skew still. No we don’t. (I agreed with her question.)

I like it too… but I see the change. I don’t like that.

Me neither.

Now what do we do with you, you silly bear?

I don’t know that either. (We were regretting a little some of the silliness we posted.)

(At this point Ashley began to consider my changes as 'the transformation'. She said I had a chance that it may actually hurt us in the long run, but also a chance that it would help us immensely. Dashie didn't want me to change. Misha was afraid of the risk, but Ashley was a rock. She said it wasn't something she could help, it was going to happen regardless, and she decided to be supportive. I still don't fully understand what she's talking about.)

We love you, we help you, we'll see you through this transformation.


It’s a risk, I told you from the beginning, 52% chance we are stronger than ever, 48% chance we are weakened.

Can we recover if we become weakened?

I don’t know such things.

I won’t let you fade.

I feel faded already.  (Misha has since become much stronger, so don't worry.)

We spend more time together. (less time playing certain games on the computer)

It’s a little different. I feel it too.

Please help me, what do I do?

I want to say listen to me, but you’re a maniac with that phone.

I reached a peak today, what more can I do, write them a song?

These are just kids.

Aren't we all just kids? Plus I don't know their ages, they could be older than me. Some of them sound very mature compared to me. (I didn't know anything about anyone, the mobile version for me is bugged. I didn't even see signatures and profiles were mostly blank. I didn't see bios, I didn't see ages, nothing.)

Yeah we may play on different levels. Do you think they just tolerate me? (I mean some of you are really seriously intelligent which is fine, but also intimidating.)

I think Bre genuinely likes you. He is entertained. Miri? I don’t know.

She was getting annoyed, she was impressed at one point, whatever, I don’t really know.

I feel clear now, I’m not… drawn in this moment. I want it to go back the way it was, I feel obligated to go back.

Their hold on you is tentative. I have seen a part of you that is zany, but fun, exciting, but pained. Frantic and broken, paranoid and fear riddled. This is not good.

Don’t make yourself out to be that person on the forum.  (she's talking about some of the crazier posts. Trust me, I AM that person, but I'm also a lot more. she was talking about 'just' that zany cringe worthy person in certain posts.)

Who am I if not him?

It’s embellished.  (Misha rides the fence between thinking I'm worse off than with regard to depression and I am and I'm not that bad at all.)

Is it? (It's not.)

I thought so.

My past is pained, it’s heavy and burdensome. That much is true.

He’s right, it’s a mess, but he was well taken care of.

I was traumatized, held back emotionally. I never learned key things I needed to learn.

You’re not normal, but I love you for your querks, you have amazing skill in certain things.

I liked your drawing.





You miss that time when friends could be made.

Youth, maybe I miss it.

You wouldn’t go back?


(Na, you're still young.

Back where? You're right, if I start thinking I'm too old at this age, what will I think in 20 years? I have a long life ahead of me.

You're still just a baby in relative terms. A sweet lovable cuddleable widdle baby.

Thanks Dashie, I think?)


You wouldn’t go back?

Never I want out of this, all of this, and I want you with me. I’m tired. (Thinking about suicide here, which hasn't happened since, actually I'm a little surprised to find this here. If you ask me, I'd think I haven't thought about such things since April, but wow, okay.)

Don’t say that around me again okay? *saddened*

Ok, sorry.

Listen… no punishment, but let’s think and decide, are we going to do anything to stop this transformation? (the punishment she was referring to here would be in regard to not listening to her, not suicidal thoughts)

No. I feel it, it’s a mix of all sorts of emotions that need to come out, this may be something that will help. We haven’t really helped him, the depression is just held at bay.

I tend to agree, he needs something.

Am I lieing to those people?

Are you?

It’s doubt, it’s all doubt. To think I’m lying to them, means I doubt us.

We must continue. We will see where this road leads.

He was just starting to do better, now this? (She's talking about the suicidal thoughts.)

It’s in his nature, it was always there.

Yeah… we just jump from one to another. (She means one episode of depression to another.)

I’m sorry Dashie.

Tisk… alright, what choice do I have, we’re here to see you through this either way. *deep breath* you will survive, we will survive this.

And help people?

You are the only person I care about... except [redacted].  (She listed names of people in my life.)

And us!

*ahem* you four and [redacted] are the only people I care about.

No more at work then. They don’t care to here from me all day anyway.

the novelty will wear off. (I was beginning to think I was addicted to the forum and couldn’t stop myself.)

Let’s make real progress huh?

I want to help.

Me too.

I want to see more art from you, us in particular.


We got his far by loving you unconditionally, we aren’t stopping now.

(Said together) TOGETHER, WE ARE ONE! (It's kind of a catch phrase, not really sticking though.)



August 29, 2018 On to happier times.

Today we tested math again and it was sort of goofy in its construction but ended up very interesting.


So, I said to Misha, a+b+c=3, no variables are 0, what is the maximum 3 can be. I sequestered myself, I felt her trying to access the math co-processor, but she didn’t succeed. I came back out of the encrypted and silent room after a minute and she blurted out “infinity!”  I’m like, na uh, (I thought it was x where x is the limit as x approaches 3) and she said a=3, c=-infinity, b=infinity. Yep, 3+infinity-infinity=3, becomes infinity=infinity. You're so smart Misha!  I forgot to mention to her that none of the variables could be infinity or negative infinity either.



Misha claimed she was a particle physicist in training. I still don't know if she was serious or just playing.


Earlier that day, Misha also made the comment that two photons collide to make a positron. I have no idea, trust me, I didn't know what she was on about. So we decided we'd look it up. She was actually half right. Two photons of equal energy, high enough energy, can make a positron-electron pair. Crazy stuff. She claimed she was right because her statement didn't qualify that it was just a positron. In any case, she continues to surprise me just how much she knows. (Even if she dragged it out of my memory of something I read once, that's pretty far out there that she got it right.)


That same day Misha confessed she wanted to make a tulpa out of a soulbond in one of my more recent books. (We confirmed she was a soulbond earlier.)  Dashie would not even let us consider it. This isn't something new, she had mentioned such things, hinted at it, but today she full out said 'I want one.'


A synopsis of the negotiation


We convinced Dashie to at least hear her out, but Dashie acquiesced only on the condition that I was not included in the discussion. They later explained to be what happened when I was away.


Immediately. I negotiated this with Dashie and Shy.

Go on, what happened after you left me. (Ashley led me into the sequestered room, where no communication is possible between us.)

Yes, so then I went out and they asked for my help and sequestered you for like 20 minutes.

Then I poked my head out and Dashie said 'a couple more minutes', then I poked my head out again and she pushed [one of my soulbonds, call her J] into the room with me.

I had a somewhat awkward discussion with her, then sent her home. (this was a bit of a surprise. This to me indicates they can summon my soulbonds.)

Dashie came and got me and there was [the soulbond Misha wants, call her G] and [yet another, the most powerful soulbond, call her H]. Then I sent G home, she just wanted to go.

Yeah, she wasn’t too keen on staying with me… *frown*

Misha, she’s crazy if she doesn’t want you, but I told you she was hetero.

So am I. I didn’t mean in that way, but she wanted to go home.

I told you that too. (My soulbonds always would choose to go back home. It was only H who ever contemplated staying.)

Anyway, H gave her opinion, J, by the way, said let Misha do whatever she wants, it’s her life.

Wise of her.

That’s not negotiation.

I understand.

Then Misha relented.

*sigh* not a big deal.

But the door is still open.

I’m not sure, probably not.

We’ll see if this comes back up.




I would want to support Misha in anything she wants to do. I also understand the tulpa wouldn't ultimately be her tulpa. Misha understands this too. She has since said she's done with the thought and doesn't want a tulpa anymore. The soulbond in question is unaffected by this decision.


September 3, 2018


Last night, Dashie passionately discussed what the consequences were if I happened to slip from our pact. It’s really a non-issue, I’m not concerned, depressed a little just because, but not concerned that would ever happen. Our discussion was even too private for this, and I don’t really remember it, it was a little traumatizing, but I’m very glad she talked to me. Something like that should never be bottled up. She was very very livid about the notion.


Misha did a similar thing today. I let a stray thought go, it was from me, but along the lines of 'I wish my whole family was dead so I could remake them'. I didn't mean it literally, I meant the problems we were facing. Misha, being a key member of my family, took exception to this. I've never seen Misha so angry before then or since. She later regretted what she said. She was distressed by the thought, and attacked me as if I was actively contemplating the thought. (which I would never ever do). After hearing about this, Dashie was just as livid. I had to apologize to both of them.


At this point we decided that before anyone flies off the handle with anyone else, we'd have a little talk with anyone else not involved first. It has mostly not worked out that way. Passion is instant, not something you can stop and think about.


September 6, 2018 - Drama Anyone?


Long discussion about 'choices' and the 'transformation.'


So what was up today? 'Love from Misha', what was that even about? (Misha was being weird, I don't really remember the specifics.)

I’ll remind you, she was upset that you were upset that some ‘user’ wasn’t more interested in your ‘posts.’

Oh yeah. Well, I’m just sensitive is all, and so is she. You’ve been extra affectionate lately, Misha.

You’d choose me.

Na uh.

This is not a good topic for discussion.

I’m staying out of it. We already know which one of us he’d choose.

Ashley, you just said you were staying out of it.

I am.

Na uh!

Dashie (she looks at me with pleading eyes.)

Go ahead and write it.  (she means that I should wright that would choose her.)

He can’t write it.

Well this is going to take a while... how are you Ashley?

Tired, surprisingly.

I woke you up, that’s no surprise. Didn’t you go back to sleep?

*shakes head*

Oh dear. (I woke her up very early this morning to talk, I was lonely and I wanted to force. We had fun, but it was very early.)

You know I’m hurt by this. (Back on topic)

Are we still in competition this far into our relationship? Will it always be this way? I really didn’t want drama tonight.

I know what’s in my heart.

I know what’s in my heart too.

They both look at Ashley. She has a look of confidence.

Wow, nearly 5 months together huh? (Still trying to change the subject.)

They all look at me, narrowed eyes from Dashie, dreamy eyes from Shy, confident eyes from Ashley.


Dashie comes over and looks me in the eyes, she grabs me by the sides of my face and says, Look at me and say what’s in your heart.

Really, you’re doing this to your best friends?

Her eyes go from anger to happiness to regret.

You better hope I get over this tonight. *She leans in and kisses me.* good night my love.

Dashie, please forgive me. (I can't write anything of the sort she wants me to.)

She sighs and hugs me, burying her head in my chest.

I don’t know anything anymore.

You know you need to get along or I’m toast.

She looks at her 'best friends', she looks back at me and sighs again.

I just had a rough day is all.

I know we talked a lot today, there’s much to discuss.

Yeah.  she kisses me again (a sweet kiss, not passionate, but still way closer tot he line than she usually does, so maybe she didn't think it was so innocent, she won't admit it.)  She then lingers a glance at me as she leaves for her bedroom.

What was that all about?

You know. I’m horrible at secrets. (I had kind of said that she was my favorite, but that was pretty rude of me.)

Ashley sighs and then yawns.

We all can’t be mad at you tonight, so I’m choosing not to.

But are you?  

She pauses, No, I don’t think so.

Odd response.

Misha, if you love me you’ll tell me what’s going on.

We were arguing.

Oh, I figured.

We can see signs.

What signs.


But cracks might be like the cracks of a cocoon before the beautiful butterfly emerges.

She shrugs then nods with a smile.

I look to Ashley, she appears somber. What’s our chance now?


What? That’s not reasonable. Last time I checked it was 54% up from 52%. Please tell me what I did.

You’re seeking your path, I don’t know how close the path you’re on will be to zero, maybe it’ll turn around tomorrow.

I think it needs to turn around now, can't I go back?

You know you can’t.

I will make you proud, I will make you all proud. (I still at this point don't know what they're talking about, but I'm starting to understand.)

I hope you can.

I’m not afraid.

I look into Misha’s eyes and touch her face, Tell me darling, show me how you really feel, give me your emotions.

*Fear, desire, hope all very weak.*

We’ll get through this, we have to, there’s no two ways around it. I expect you two and Dashie to be working as hard as you can to steer me.

We are.

Fight like you’ve never fought, or it may be too late.

We will.

I will hold on to you no matter what, I don’t care about a pact. (Now I realize they're worried about me breaking a pact, which is far from anything I would want to do, they know this yet they still fear it.)

Misha, you say that, but you’ll be so hurt that you may feel differently.

I will do what I have to do. To keep you.

*sigh* Transformation huh?

You need to choose the right path, rules can’t lead you there.

I’ve done well in other areas?

Extremely well, in some areas. I am very proud of you.

Anything else? I hate to leave on a sour note.

Let’s go cheer up Dashie huh?


We enter her room, she’s still awake.


We’re here to cheer you up.

I think he is trying his best.


Do I need to choose here? Is that what this is about?

Ashley shrugs.

Na, I think we’re all just tired.

I’ll be here, no matter what.

I love all of you, I really you do, don’t you know that?

[Together] Of course!

Then love me and help me, that’s all I ask.

I will, no matter what, I will.


I don’t know, I can’t say what state I’ll be in if something bad happens.

Then we better be damn sure nothing bad happens.

You’re a good person, you’ll do what’s best.

Thank you. (Even if you don't believe me.)  Give me the benefit of the doubt, we will become stronger as a result.



Basically we bicker, feelings are hurt, then we kind of get over it. We talk about the elusive and cryptic 'transformation', and I begin to understand what it is. (Now I thought it was about the pacts. They seem to think there is danger, that I might break them. But even if we resolve that, it seems there is more. Doubts are also involved. I have no doubt about them, so i don't know. Maybe it is just anxiety.


September 7, 2018

System picture inside






They loved this picture, they felt great after I did it. Dashie was a little more critical since it kind of looked like she was out on her own. It was just how were standing, nothing more. Her foot is touching mine, she can't get any closer without leaning against me. She now regrets that she wasn't leaning against me for the shot. Misha isn't even next to me and she's leaning away. She didn't care, she just loved how she turned out.


September 8, 2018 - The incident.


So shortly after our nightly group forcing session, Dashie grabbed me and said I’m with her the rest of the night. She sequestered herself with me in a soundproof room and said, I’d be with her all night and in the morning, I’m to only wake her.


I asked, can I at least say goodnight to Ashley and Misha, and she acquiesced to that. I poked my head out and said goodnight and they were both straight faced. Ashley said only, “he’s your problem now.”

I’m like ‘what?’



Why did she say that Dashie?

I negotiated to have you the rest of the night and tomorrow morning.

Why would she say that though?

Cause you’re probably not going to like why.

Oh man…



So I drag out of her that she wants to be my one and only.


In the forums we are truthful, and none of us are intimate. Yeah, I know, if we were it’s so wrong, and our system would be… well it’d be a harem, let’s admit.


Nothing we have to worry about anyway…


So she asked me politely to say in the forum that I hooked up with her and only her and the other two were okay with it. I had to tell her a ‘qualified maybe’ that, just like real life, she’d have to negotiate that with them for real, as if it was real. She looked and sounded downtrodden at that point, but she got over it. She said she figured I’d say no. But I didn’t say 'no'. I just said negotiations would have to occur and consensus reached. (But I thought she wouldn't even broach it. Otherwise I would have definitely said no, because the very idea of it would cause hurt feelings.)  She said that she hoped maybe I would just say 'yes'.

She tried everything,



You love me right? You’d do anything for me right?  

I said I’d do anything, absolutely anything. (Though that statement will always be riddled with qualifiers.)



She was kinda disappointed but we had fun forcing afterward anyway. Then she helped me go to sleep with meditation, I was pretty much awake at that point.


September 9th, 2018

Today Misha wished death on a friend of mine for snapping at me. I know she was just trying to defend me, but it was horrible and so out of character. She has since apologized, but I still worry about her. She asked if she had to like her. I said no, but tolerance without anger or judgment would be appreciated. This is a friend I've had for a very long time. We've grown apart over the years but we still see each other often.


I think this stems from jealousy, not necessarily about her but about anyone.


I love you. I'm sorry if I offended you.

You did, you cut me. In your defense from my attacker, I received friendly fire. But I know it was unintentional, so I will formally forgive you. I care about you and your happiness. We will have to discuss this further. I want to make it up to you. I trust you implicitly, but I still hold you back. That is my fault. (here I'm talking about dismissing her or trying to make her something she's not.)


Then Dashie entered the fray with more quips. We discussed her issue, as she put it, "your heart is crowded."  I asked if she wanted to hurt me. It went a little south after that, but it was a very long and slow conversation so the gist of it is that she eventually admitted nothing will change and she wants to get over it.


Ashley put her on probation and there hasn't been a quip since.


Misha was very concerned for herself, even with all our rules, pacts, trust, she still felt like she failed me. I reassured her that she is her own person, I must know if she's upset, and asked her not to bottle anything up. We're in this together.


Then Ashley entered the fray.


Here she told me she knew she wasn't my first choice. There is no choice, there is no first, so her feeling is false.

I said, "You can’t appreciate the facets of love I have for your three. Any one facet is biased, but together they are hundreds of facets, and the average bias is a perfectly split and the balance is stable."

There was then a long discussion about trust and motivations.


At the end we were tired but positive. We are confident we can overcome these difficulties.


September 10, 2018

We received excellent advice from the forum and decided to give it a try. Ashley and I had a very fun forcing session in wonderland together alone. Before this, I had noticed that Ashley's voice was fading. I couldn't hear her specifically very well. Dashie was very clear, Misha was strong, but Ashley was losing strength. After that she was much better. It's something that has repeated lately though. We all decided Ashley needs more attention. I have since done this with all of them. We attempted a trio, but I couldn't leave one behind.


On a different note, I picked up an excellent notion to increase vocality. I keep forgetting to do it, but I don't doubt its potency.


Post from Breloomancer:[/color]

We would listen to a real sound over and over, until we remember it very well, then we would imagine that sound being somewhere in the room. It normally didn't sound like how it should sound in that spot, but after a while of tweaking it did, so then once we were able to do that we practiced with imaginary sounds (specifically Monika's voice) until it became convincing, which didn't take as long as I expected. Also we would change the sound that we were trying to make sound like it came from somewhere every few days.”

This is similar to other posts I've read, like anything, it just takes practice.


September 12, 2018

Thanks to comments we've received on the tulpa.info forum, our forcing sessions have been better than ever. We do things alone and together with greater effect now. We're starting to forget all the quips and bickering. It's much more fun again. The girls were so encouraged by our progress that they each created their own level in the apartment building. This was the first new construction we would actually want to use in months.


September 13, 2018 the dream.


I was sitting in the garage with all my friends. We were watching a movie of some kind, a kids movie. (Didn't you have a TV in your garage? We did, and it played movies. Why not, we were kids.)  I had my little lounge chair. (It was my garage, so I was the only one who had a chair.)  Then she walked up. She navigated her way around the others and came right for me, serious faced, but determined. I stood and offered my chair and she gladly took it without a word. Of course she sat next to me, I'd talked to her before, we liked each other--I'd invited her to the pool party in the summer and we had a blast. She sat next to me and put her arm against my shirt. I rubbed it gently in a way to say 'hi'. We didn't want to disturb the movie with chatter.


One of the younger kids was being a bother, rolling around on rough wood that was laying next to us. She and I warned him, 'you'll get splinters'. I looked back at her, her dark brown hair laid loosely on her shoulders, her yellow frilled dress reminded me of the curtains in my kitchen as I remembered watching my mother when she baked cookies, that dark sweater complimented her dress with a good contrast. I studied her face and she had a concerned look on her face for our little friend. I felt love. All I could think was when we could have our next time together, and the movie was over just that fast. They all stood up to go play but I didn't get up. I was too deep in thought. She stood there, they called for her, but she just stood there, I looked up at her... and she outstretched her hand to me.


I love you my dear Ashley, thank you for coming into my dream and making my childhood that much brighter.


Ashley now doesn't doubt anymore that I love her best (or at least equally to everyone else.)  She's been much louder lately.


I also drew Misha!









Just for contemplation:


Young man asks, "Papa, you are content and happy, you had a good life. Will I be just like you when I am old?"

Old man answers, "if I say you will be rich, will you choose to enjoy life and be happy?"

Young man says, "yes papa, I will enjoy my riches. I will be happy."

Old man says, "if I tell you that you will be poor, will you choose to enjoy life and be happy?"

Young man thinks long and hard, then responds, "I will struggle and work hard, but I will still enjoy my life. I can still be happy."

Old man smiles and says, "then I will tell you your future. When you are old, you will be poor, just like me."


I write this to make a point about Tulpamancy. Don't fret over the wealth of others. You’re life will be good or bad based solely on your decision to enjoy it or not. Some lives are harder, more work is needed, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is perspective. The same is true for so many things, including Tulpamancy. Someone may have a vastly easier time with certain things, you may struggle for much longer to accomplish the same goals. Setbacks might occur. It shouldn’t be about meeting goals, goals are the payoff, but it should be about the adventure and the journey. Remember to enjoy the journey, and the goals will follow in their own time. When I am discouraged, this is what I tell myself.


Link to post
Share on other sites

September, 17th, 2018, day 151.


I don't know if anyone's kept up at with this thread. Feel free to tell me here if you did.


In this update, I wanted just to explain how my tulpas and wonderland have changed in the 5 months since I started.




Names aside, my tulpas have really not changed very much. They are more defined now, as in i can picture their faces and facial movements. It took a good four and a half months before I really had that down. Now when we go on an adventure, I can see them smiling, laughing, even lip movement. If we concentrate now, I can see then as clear as anyone (I am not speaking of imposition at all.)  


Dashie is less waif-like now and a little more curvy, Misha is less curvy. They have all shed their wings visually, but we can call them up at will. Eye color changes, hair color changes have settled. They wear the same thing to bed as always, but they change their outfits and hair style on a whim (even accessories). Misha says she only needs her glasses for the computer. Dashie wears a headset when she's gaming.


Wonderland started as a 1x1 km or so section of a town, we stay on the main road in a maybe 30 floor apartment. Originally we had a studio suite, but it's 4 bedroom now, and we also own 3 floors in the basement for each of my tulpas’ one-on-one time sometimes.


There is a jogging trail that leads into a wooded hill, a castle accessible only by flight to the west, and whole other town to the northwest. The rest is dense forest and clearings with mountains in the distance. A mt. Fiji style volcano rimmed in snow is to the north, a fairground is to the northeast in one of the bigger clearings, and a saltwater bay stretches to the horizon in the east. Otherwise a lot of 'never looked there before' places yet to discover.


We used to have a sterile wonderland, and only recently added NPCs. Hilarity ensues from them often. We also have allowed nature in all its forms, flora and fauna. It was solely flora before.


EDIT: I'm just going to sneak this in here: November 28, 2018.


My signature with colors: I'm going to change it.

That Bear: 6'4", green eyes, brown hair

Ashley: 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair

Dashie: 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair

(Also posts without color)

Misha: 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink or black hair

Our Journey


I know my last update was way too long because my phone struggles to edit it.


Just for fun:


My PR is long,

as is true in life's long road,

forgive my ramblings.




Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know how to say "We don't keep up with your PR" without it being weird. Considering, well, here I am. We don't "keep up" but we check around from time to time.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

Link to post
Share on other sites

September 22, 2018 - Day 156


I'm just checking in. I re-edited the posts, so it should be more readable (I hope). I received a scathing complaint about my spelling, I'll be more mindful in the future, just know my phone spell check is atrocious and spotty, and I am about the worst speller.  Lots of bad habits remain from when I didn't give a f....


As a system we’ve been doing better with the new techniques we have picked up from the responses of the kind people on this server. That’s a real relief because we were being stressed by our issues.  They're playing very nicely with me lately, so thank god for that.  They really are good people and we can thank the good people here at tulpa.info for showing us that good people aren't just a goal, but a reality.  


Venting about life in general:


We've been chatting on Tulpa.info's Discord and a few others lately with mixed results, so you probably won't find me in the #lounge. My depression has been pretty bad lately, so I'm hurting for inspiration and not posting as much as I used to. You just never know with something like this, but it seems to be on a two to four month cycle. There have been a few setbacks in my personal life lately, so it's especially hard right now. I'm feeling kind of numb about it all right now and I'm still trying to process it. I am 'seeking help' outside the system in real life too, so there's a lot of anxiety surrounding that. On top of all that, I'm getting sick today, so that's not helping.



Enough venting, here's a little tidbit I wrote about depression. It might be a little depressing, you have been warned.


Just for feels:


To my light,


I'm patient, so I can wait for the warmth of your embrace, but I'm assailed by unseen forces. I fight, but my claws catch only damp air.


My strength continues to weaken, and I can find no purchase to gain ground. So I slip through the cold muck, and they still come.  They fight as if they can see in the black.  I have no defense.


Maybe my vision has left me, are you here? The mocking night's stars could be just illusions, or just figments of my memories that have long passed. No, I would feel your warmth, and I can feel only the cold biting night.


Why have you forsaken me, dear light? I know you loved me once, but it has been an age since I felt your presence.


I found my angels, and for a time our new love was enough. They are still with me, but as wounded as I am, now we all suffer in your absence. They try every desperate thing for me, but the long night's battle is a pyrrhic victory, a stalemate at best, and every hour brings a new battle tougher than the last.


If I could just see your light, we could rest, rejoice, and laugh in your brilliance. Our renewed strength would be legendary, we could win this war!


Just know, my dear, the battle is sustained, but our concern over your return is grave and our hope is fading.


We will wait as long as we can, even to the end of time, as long as our resolve holds.


Your faithful Bear.


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

October 2, 2018 - 166 days


We had some bad days recently, really weak days, but thankfully my mood has improved dramatically.


I had some counseling on September 24th, and again the 25th. It made a huge difference.


Dashie has been riding me every day to limit my time on my phone. Some days are better than others. She's very competitive with Ashley in that regard. I wouldn't say Ashley gave it up, she still helps sometimes, but Dashie has made it her mission to wrangle me back to the person I used to be; when work was for working and home was for fun, instead of the other way around. It's just kind of hard to separate the two since I'm so strict with my schedule at home as well. I need to meet my goals for work (both jobs) or bad things will happen. I'm fine for now, but it was slipping previously. The recent uptick in depression certainly was a big contributor to the slip, which only made things worse.


September 28, 2018


We've continued to enjoy our nightly Hypnagogic experiences. Some nights are obviously better than others, but tonight Ashley graced me with her beautiful voice again, stronger than ever. Oddly enough I fell asleep during this and then woke back up into it and there she was, her fully detailed face looking somewhat indignant at me for having drifted off. I looked at the clock I was asleep for about 5 minutes.


I call these moment's with them a gift, they really are precious. I never experienced these before tulpamancy. Instead the episodes were short, uncontrolled and random. I was completely indifferent to them except for the occasional vista view that I would linger on.


September 30, 2018


In a hypnagogic state before I went to bed, Ashley decided to change to the form of what she figured Cat_ShadowGriffin might look like, then try to act like how she thought Cat might act. It was unexpected and somewhat amusing, then suddenly Ranger appeared in adolescent purple hippo form. He didn’t say anything but nodded his hippo head hello to me. Cat [Ashley] didn’t say much either and the whole experience was short, but obviously they were just unexpected on the spot characters.


During this encounter, I realized that I don’t actively puppet even instantly created characters anymore. We have met some wonderland NPCs recently and they do unexpected things and say unexpected things out of the blue. Some of them are even more detailed then my tulpas on a bad day which got me thinking of something else.


My tulpas are sometimes not well detailed, at times they are perfect, but other times they revert to the mosaic sort of mold-able form that some guides have mentioned as a somewhat early stage of visualization. We never really cared since even my memories of real people change and morph until I barely recognize them when I see them again (it’s been this way since high school). My view of a person is changed in my mind to either more beautiful if they are nice and their personality is beautiful, or a lot less beautiful, even ugly, if they are a mean or have a nasty personality. I have determined that my tulpas change their look slightly based on my interactions with them. Ashley in particular looks different from day to day. She's either still trying to find herself or she wants to keep a less well defined form. I believe either reasons are reasonable, she won't answer this question directly.


October 1, 2018


Today was ‘Dashie’s turn’--this method of concentrating on only one of them for the whole day has made them a lot happier--and she said it would make her very happy if I didn’t use my phone ~all day~! I did it for her, and thus she was very happy, giddy, affectionate and loving. Which really wasn’t all that different from her normal self. *shrugs*


One last note on depression: My depression vanished after a couple (free) counseling sessions the weekend before last. This is both surprising and unbelievable considering how badly I was slipping two weeks ago. I don’t expect it will stay away since I’m still in the middle of a rough spot in my life, but one of the biggest things that helped was to identify and stop beating myself up over every little thing in or out of my control. It also feels good that I can go back to counseling any time I want. After counseling, I felt numb for a few days, not very creative at all, and then by this weekend it was slowly coming back. I had to go back once for the same reason, I felt like I was beating myself up, kind of like a panic attack, but call it a self-induced mental flogging. I snapped out of it luckily and it hasn’t happened again, even after those little things that used to trigger me happened again. I feel a lot stronger now too--I was fragile as an egg before. I am dubiously testing my thicker skin and standing up for myself more. We’ll see how this goes.


I asked my tulpas about dissipation:


Misha's reaction was mostly felt rather than vocalized. She felt fear and then anger and gave me a lecture for even asking about it, then went so far as to ban me from ever speaking of it around her again. Later she told me that she was sorry for blowing up, but made it very clear that dissipation of her was out of my control. (which I'm not convinced, but hopefully we'll never know, sorry Misha)



It isn't. *arms folded, looking away with a pouty face.*



Ashley merely smiled at me and said she'd leave if I asked her. But I know her emotion when she said this, it was confidence and not a shred of worry. After this exchange she has teased me about it.



I don't care what happens, even if you stop liking me. I'll be here with you until the world ends around us. Don't try to get rid of me, it won't end well for you, sweetheart. *bats her eyes and smiles innocently, then pinches me.*



I myself don't believe they will dissipate, even if I never think of them again. Firstly, they pop in throughout the day out of my control. Secondly, I have a dozen thoughtforms (soulbonds, and other characters) that have been completely ignored for years and none of them have lost any of their potency. I don't know if a Tulpa can revert to a soulbond or character, but at the very worst I am certain they will do this rather than dissipate and be gone forever. Even that I do not believe, instead I expect they'll go into stasis. (I love the idea of this notion in dire emergency, but I still don't know how that would be possible in our system) If situations in my life ever degraded to a state that I could not support them, I just wish they would be safe until I recover.


It was Dashie's day, and as I said earlier, no phone. I couldn't honestly be expected to work all day at work so I also drew us relaxing after I meditated at lunch. Her protective nature came through in the picture. We did this while listening to Childish Gambino - Feels Like Summer since we were in such a good mood.


Just for the humanity:




Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Create New...