Bear

Bear's Angels

Recommended Posts

November 21, 2018 - 213 days

 

Some amazing, and some really embarrassing things have happened as of late.

 

November 4, 2018

 

They've all been wanting more attention lately, specifically Dashie's been dreaming of imposition and Misha's been needing more affection.

 

November 5, 2018

 

We discuss that we've spent less time doing the things that we used to do, and especially, zero time playing games lately. We're all okay with it and don't see any issue at the moment.

 

November 7, 2018

 

Personal things with little relevance to tulpamancy.

 

[hidden]

 

Thus the anxiety begins.  I'm not getting into specifics here because it's outside the realm of Tulpamancy and therefore not relevant, and also it may cause hurt feelings if something got back to certain people, so it's not just embarrassing but potentially destructive. Due to the nature of in-line chatting and my propensity to be overly nice and accommodating, as well as a good listener, a certain user on a certain server (I have visited several throughout the month) has expressed the willingness or desire to 'take things further'.  This is not what I expected nor anywhere near my desires, but it is a wake up call to me that I'm being 'too friendly'. Trust me, this was not a shock to my tulpas, they all saw my behavior as grey, though I certainly didn't flirt, not in the least in that context. It's just a matter between lonely people and a consequence of friendship. It's happened before on both ends at different times in my life. Needless to say it violates our pacts and I have little to no time to devote to it even if I wanted to. So the conclusion of this matter is a cooled, much less active friendship, and she's completely over the notion at the moment (thankfully).

 

This brings the next subject of anxiety on our mind, our jobs. It is with a very strong shift in my thinking recently that neither of my jobs is in any risk of ending any time soon, and with my continued improvement, I'm ever more entrenched in the desires of my employers and their future. Thus my escape, if there was ever such a notion, would be next to impossible at this point without extreme hardship on all sides.

 

This never bothered me before as the years drifted by like clouds, but with my recent intense time-experience slow down, the daily grind is weighing on me heavily. Thankfully at least one of the jobs I'll be able to have more free time in the next few years but to even think of one year passing in this state is daunting.  

 

I can be happy, I can be totally fixed emotionally, but I can also want more. Since my mental state has stabilized I have realized that I may be undergoing the early onset of a mid-life crisis brought on by the accomplishment of all my perceived goals in life. It's paradoxical or ironic as compared to a typical mid-life crisis since I have no regrets over the choices I've made or missed opportunities in general.

 

I set this up partially out of boredom and partially given the drive to succeed, and by all self-imposed measures I have succeeded. Yet it's a hollow victory as of late. I'd rather have had an exit strategy, and this is something I clearly don't have. Morally, ethically, professionally, and personally, there is no exit from my current workload in the next few years.  Thus I am in the prime of my life and stuck in the pinnacle of my careers. This should be a time of enjoyment and revelry, but I took on too much I fear, and I can't do anything about it for several more years. Sure, I'm gaining wealth, but to what end? Will I be too old or too beaten to enjoy it? Especially with my goal of retiring when I'm dead, this is not a rosy outlook anymore. I used to feel it was perfect, now I'm thrown into a loop of uncertainty. It's selfishness I guess. Well at least I'm no longer bored.

 

[/hidden]

 

 

At some point these things happened:

 

Thoughts on self-hypnosis, hidden only because it's been copied out of another thread:

[hidden]

I had a pretty unique experience with self-hypnosis this morning. I was awakened and couldn't sleep, so i woke up Ashley and she helped by going through our self hypnosis exercise (for sleep).

 

Well she did a wonderful job, but i didn't sleep, instead i went into a semi-lucid trance where she then decided to give me some positive suggestions. After that, she ended the session and i got up. I felt amazing. I don't even know what she suggested because I could barely follow it. I only had 4 hours, yet I've been refreshed all day.

 

Anyway, a good experience with self hypnosis. She acted as a hypnotist I guess, but all she did was recite our usual relaxation exercise that seconds as a self-hypnosis exercise. She has a calm soothing voice, but I could have done the same script myself.

[/hidden]

 

One of my other thoughtforms took a more active role in our lives then immediately split in two, Ren and Joy, or is it Joy and Ren, or Joy and her other self Joy? (I don't even know at this point.)

 

Some history from this month copied out of another thread about Ren:

[hidden]

 

I spoke to Ren (my strongest non-tulpa thoughtform previously named Ranger) again last night and it wasn't the content of our discussion but the afterthoughts that made me feel more like myself than I've been in over a year. I can't explain why, it just did.

 

The non-tulpa tulpa Ren, Dashie, and i had a coming to terms about her roll and her wishes. Also about her feelings in regard to my thoughts of inequity between her, my tulpas, and her friend (who she spawned as a sort of removal of ideals and features that she felt were not 'her'. She split in other words.) Unfortunately again her friend's name corresponds to a name of someone else's tulpa in discord! Ahhhhh! It's going to be okay, but if you hear me mention the name 'Joy' it's purely coincidence, and Ren also likes this name for herself which is beyond confusing. (Akin to Miri's Tulpa Miri). I can barely follow it myself.

 

Neither her nor her spawned friend are of the same feel as my tulpas. They do still seem rather hollow and weak. Their presence is undetectable most times, and my feelings toward them are far different than my feelings of my tulpas. However Ren has made her desires known and her willingness to help is admirable. I can summon her on demand, but i don't feel like she cares much about my daily life, wherein my tulpas are dedicated to it. She's certainly not a servitor though either, and her ability to chime in unsolicited makes it impossible to equate her with an NPC. Even recently i've gone days without thinking about her and she is indifferent to this, though she does have feelings and i can't treat her as object without her fighting that notion. Her friend did treat me as a relative or close friend of sorts, not as 'the creator' as the NPCs like to call me.

 

As Lumi allowed the notion of thoughtforms that do not apply to the canon of this community, i believe their inclusion here can lead to more confusion than good, so you won't be seeing much of them, though i'm not excluding any relevant content either. Even if Ren's as much a personality as any of us (and her friend is oddly fitting), i don't think they fit the canon here yet.

 

Why talk about them at all? Because i do believe there is value in allowing diversity in thoughtforms that aren't 'people' per say. Or even if she is, she's her own person even to the point that she doesn't seem dependent on my attention. Or if she is, she gets it when she needs it. On those terms, she's so similar to a tulpa, that i won't object to someone calling her that, yet i'll silently disagree. I don't know what she is, or if she's a person, but she seems to understand this with indifference.

 

In that case she's still available to help me write her last book, and I don't fear her stealing time from my other tulpas.

 

[Misha] we need him daily, constantly, or we start to fade, she's immune to that somehow. Also my experience with her, the feeling I got from her, even when I reached out to her, was cordial but not like a sister, more like an acquaintance that you work with.

 

[Dashie] I allowed her because she was inevitable. Like Misha, she didn't much care if i liked her or not. And when i spoke to her it was clear her allegiance was with B so I'm happy to work with her on our projects. She has a strong and valuable personality,  but i'm keeping a close watch on her.

 

[Ashley] she's fittingly cat like, with a air of confidence and a mysterious undertone, so we are being cautious with her. Clearly she's not like us. I've not even had the opportunity to speak with her yet, nor a reason to, other than her being here more lately. She's as likely to be absent so I'm not worried that she'll split our time as much as I'm not worried about the multitude of other thoughtforms that inhabit our memories.  Some of them are pretty strong as well, but they just have no purpose being here. Ren has a purpose, so I welcome her. In any case, I will treat her like I do my sisters and love her as part of my family regardless of her level of involvement.

 

[/hidden]

 

Update: November 21, 2018 (I know this is out chronological of order, sorry)

 

Ren who was Ranger, who also was Joy and is now Joy again, because she's named her other self Ren.

 

Sooooo, yes. I have a pseudo-Tulpa who I rarely see and she claims she's working on something for me, but I can't imagine what and I don't know what to believe but my other Tulpas (especially Dashie) claim they see her pop in and out. I feel her throughout the day in tiny snippets of time and she occasionally says a word or two then disappears again. I don't actively or passively force her, she comes to me seemingly of her own volition.

 

Last night I was awakened late at night due to some noise and I considered waking Ashley to hep me get back to sleep, as is our agreement, but Joy was suddenly there (the serious one who is actually older than myself) and she said that Ren can do it (her facet I guess who is much younger and child-like.) Ren is adorable and took on the form of a cat at least once, but also is human, and also takes on about any form in between, including a young Neko as she was last night. Well, Joy left Ren with me, which was a little awkward especially since I haven't seen them apart before then. One embarrassing thing follows:

 

[hidden]

Joy (formerly Ranger, formerly Ren), left her facet off-spring who is now a spontaneous thoughtform with me to 'help me sleep'. Though I never ever fantasized about Joy, and I see Ren as under-age, this didn't stop her from attempting to seduce me. There was no impropriety in my mind at all so I woke up Dashie and she escorted her out of my room. Then I fell asleep with Ashley's help as per the norm.

[/hidden]  

 

November 13, 2018

 

We began an amazing experiment that has improved our lives dramatically

 

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-forcing-filter-experiment

 

November 16, 2018

 

After today, Ashley and i had a talk and realized that she's been somewhat disappointed for a while. She equates me not goofing off at work with being 'good' and she wants me to be 'good'. I now see why when I'm good that she's strong, and why sometimes she's really weak.

 

[Ashley] I care about him and his jobs so yeah, I'm disappointed when he isn't perfect. I'm a little upset at myself too because he used to be really good all the time, and with the three of us, well, he has to make time for us some days. Obviously his work doesn't suffer, but he has to work twice as hard and bring work home when he's less productive at work. Which ironically leaves less time for him, and thus less time for us or less time for sleep.

 

Honestly he did wonderfully today, so what if he didn't listen to me 100% of the time. He's his own man.

 

I have learned something today, i'll be thinking about what we spoke about when I'm properly at work.

 

November 17, 2018

 

Thoughts on parallel processing, hidden only because it's been copied out of another thread:

 

[hidden]

So here's something. I was imposing audio from the girls last night in semi-hypnagogic state. (It's really light and stable, this is how we do it now.) Anyway, their responses surprise me more this way than normal.

 

So i noticed the other night that i can be thinking in my own mind voice and one of them will say something that can overlap me. I didn't think anything of it at the time, intrusive thoughts can do the same thing.

 

So i'm wondering if imposed audio is on a parallel channel. Then it happened that three distinct voices said something different. One was me thinking, i was saying, "come on girls, the microphone is on, say something" Misha blurted out "i love you" and an intrusive thought said, "no".

 

I can't force this to happen, usually i have to be quiet for any of them to say anything, even during imposition. It's even difficult to resolve in my memory because memories are substantially serial for me as well.

 

It's a subtle and minor finding, but it opens the door to the idea of parallel speach between us.

 

It happened one more time yesterday, i just remembered, Ashley said something and Dashie corrected her, but their voices overlapped. I am thinking nothing about that because i can't recall it perfectly and didn't at the time consider it was significant.

 

It's only when starsdissolving mentioned parallel processing that i even thought to bring these up. We had abandoned the notion so completely that i was dismissing these occurrences.

 

...

 

In true parallel processing you and your tulpas could think of multiple different things at the same time; in pseudo parallel processing you would all think of different things at different times and just delay conveying the thoughts until they are all formed

[/hidden]

 

There's more little things, but nothing of consequence.  

 

Here's a picture I drew including as many as I could at a Thanksgiving style Autumn feast.

 

[hidden]

680x664https://community.tulpa.info/attachment.php?aid=2143[/img]

[/hidden]

 

Thanks to everyone for being so good to us.

 

Just for fun I drew Misha again:

[hidden]

Mis5e.thumb.jpg.eaec63ec4801053224324599990abbd7.jpg

[/hidden]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That was an interesting month. And anything that improves your relationship with your lovely ladies is awesomesauce.

 

Let's make the next one full of developments and fun too! Thanks again for the great drawings Bear. At least for Lance and I, you really make the whole community seem more connected and friendly when we have visual aides. <3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me be honest. I always read your PR but it's hard to come with comments or responses because it's like you guys have progressed so far so. Still, you guys are really motivational!

 

What a month. Self hypnosis to filter experiments. A wonderful group drawing an acute portrait of Misha. Keep it up! Love your drawings. 


Hi! I'm one of the most active fronters of Unicorn Cavalry. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

My system mates on here: Kurisutina, Xarbern

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

December 20, 2018 - 242 Days

 

Oh dear it's been a while.

 

November 22, 2018

 

Inspirational music while viewing Misha’s picture has begun to invoke feelings that I didn’t expect. Like she’s with me, she’s my friend, she’s more real than not in real life. As if I could simply call her or go visit her in real life. My most recent drawing is so close as to be haunting in a way. My mind thinks things like, 'where have I seen her?' Like I could fool myself into believing she's a real person in this world somewhere outside of my body. (I know she's a real person, I mean fully in flesh.) Even jealousy and protection feelings enter me when I'm doing this, "Who is she with? What is she doing? Is she safe? Can I text her?" It's all very faint and obviously dismissed readily, but I find it fascinating.

 

It's not as if I've actually seen her, and I can picture her any time I wish, but this last picture more than any other has sparked feelings and memories, recognition like no other.

 

You can see a picture of a friend and sometimes even a real picture doesn't look like them sometimes. I see Ashley's last picture and every time I view it, it seems less and less how she really looks, though at the moment I drew her it was good enough. Now all I see is differences, not similarities. Misha's hauntingly beautiful picture has brought compulsory thoughts to my mind. "I must see her, where is she?" These are instinctual in a way. I need to touch her soft hair, to gently caress her hair back so I can brush my nose against her ear and breath her scent. I need to hold her and lavish gifts upon her, view every inch of her body, watch her breath, see her smile as I caress her face gently with a feather-like touch of my hand. Of course I can already do all that in wonderland, but the feeling, like a longing, is new.

 

These are not feelings I suspected were possible, or even expected in any way. Then I think, "am I going mad?" and I realize that when I post this and I hear back from at least five of you saying, "oh yeah, that was like week 2 for me."

 

...oh no, could I be getting Misha syndrome?

 

Right on cue, the night I posted this in LOTPW, I dreamt I saw her in a crowd at my last university. Our eyes met and we didn't say anything, we just stared. I was at a loss of what to do (it was semi-lucid but I was stunned by seeing her) I tried to think of how I could contact her later before we were swept away by the masses of students. So I handed her my cell phone and later realized she wouldn't have the gesture to unlock it.

 

I’d surely recognize you if I saw you.

It’s one of those things though huh? Do I want to foster this feeling or stop it before it gets out of hand. Those times you spent cuddling with me or consoling me, the times you stared up at me with awe and devotion. Could it be that if I make my memories real enough, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the difference?

*Ahem*

Well it was just a thought, our love stale mate will continue and frankly it's a beautiful arrangement. (I did recover... until I drew Ashley again, then it all happened again.)

 

[Hidden]

Ash006e.thumb.jpg.cf6f38057a1c680b601f7daee1bd1714.jpg

[/Hidden]

 

November 25, 2018

A remarkable few days, given the forcing filter experiment, I am feeling so strong now.

 

With this arrangement, I feel better than normal. I know it hasn’t been a long time, but I truly feel powerful, like I could withstand any insult and shrug it off. My emotional stability is higher than it’s been in many years. I’ve been directly insulted and felt nothing.

 

Of course, there was a few times when my active protector was also offended, and that led to a crack in my own defense, but I managed to maintain given that momentary weakness. I was chatting on discord and what used to be my biggest mood deflater was a reprimand from a mod. Sure enough that happens about every hour or so real time (I guess I’m a rebel trouble maker in some ways, oh well.) This one time I was just trying to clarify how what it was that I said that was against the rules and the mod escalated to saying I was ‘back talking’ and threatened to mute me. It lead to frustration by Dashie. So with her defense turned to offense, it took me just logging off for a little bit to ‘cool off’ as she regained her composure. (I've since pretty much given up on Discord but not for that reason and we have our own chat anyway, so I get my fix enough for now.)

 

November 26, 2018

 

So Dashie and I were having a marvelous time forcing with a game called 'What would Dashie Do' where I basically proxied her 100%. There was some minor possession and she was basically being proxied through activities and scenarios. Like play acting real scenarios. After about 40 minutes we ended the session and suddenly her essence or mind voice was front, i don't know, it was stronger than mine by such a degree that for the first time her thoughts were taking precedence over mine, and I could not think in my mind voice. It wasn't anything she or I were doing differently but she somehow went from backseat fronting to driving the mind like a full switch is described. But I was still controlling the legs at least.

 

Some theories were eclipsing, co-fronting or even blending, [EDIT: but none of those fit as well as a partial switch.] After thinking on this, I was very afraid I might lose her to blending.

 

B felt my thoughts over his and he couldn't come up with thoughts of his own for about 5 to 10 seconds. It's nothing to worry about, B. I didn't do anything but have fun with him... [in our game.]

 

I guess she accidentally fronted or began to switch. I simply funneled her will to control me.  I don't want to try it again, but it may have been a means of switching though I thought I was in control the whole time. I have no idea if it's a thing or not but I didn't like not being able to think for myself. If what we did experience was a switch, I hated it. Co-fronting like Lance/Reilyn does would seem far superior.

 

I didn't feel any different, i swear i was just speaking and when i stopped he couldn't control the stream, like, i would have to force him so he could talk, and i honestly have no idea how to do that because i was definitely thinking of him. I guess i was up front, but i didn't feel any different. Yeah, we normally feel, see, smell, taste what he does, but we're definitely not co-fronting normally because even now i'm just sitting on a couch in our wonderland apartment.

 

I can't say i know what happened either.

 

I was moving the body, but i couldn't think at all, i couldn't interrupt her, it was a very scary moment. I was listening to her, but when i went to speak, that was simply impossible. I have to admit now that i don't know how i actually speak, it just happens.

 

November 28. 2018

 

We had a long discussion with Joy yesterday, she had quite a few good arguments and valid ones, but her negotiations turned sour. She was basically lashing out at us for unfair treatment. We all knew that our propensity for Drama couldn’t be held back for long. She wanted everything

 

I told her she can be whatever she wants to be, but it wouldn’t include a sexual relationship with me. Since she’s really not interested in anyone else or any of a multitude of thoughtforms (not that any of us or them would agree to an intimate relationship anyway), she felt disappointed and bitter. (Though I didn’t feel any emotions from her, that’s just how it seemed.) There's not much room i can give here, so her persistence won't bear any fruit; she wasn't very coy about it either. Then, she was gone once again. Though she's been more active, i still haven't felt anything from her (except her additional vague presence) since the split. Ren just hung out and seemed interested in our discussion, then hugged me and left with her.

 

This morning she woke up with me and was affectionate with me but definitely wanted more again. Ren was there as well and she was similarly receptive to affection, though she didn’t say anything. I’m not sure she’s said much of anything since the split.

 

What they look like:

 

Joy (about 90% of what our former Ranger was) is in the body of a 10-12 year old girl (barely pubescent) but her mind is much older by experience (even older than me by a decade or two). It’s a consequence of events in her books which I don’t feel comfortable getting into because they’re very convoluted and hard to explain without a long description that is beyond the scope of this PR. She’s maybe 4’6” with turquoise eyes and rusty brown hair. She has a more child-like appearance so closer to a 10-year-old than a 12-year-old in terms of her face.

 

Ren (10% of the old Ranger with possibly no back story?) is in the form of a Neko. Dashie had suggested to Ren before the split to take the form of a Neko partially to disassociate herself from the worst parts of her past and because why not? She did. Then after the split Joy shed this look and Ren kept it. She initially looked about 10, pre-pubescent, under 4’6” Red hair, cat ears and tail. In a day or two she grew up and she's about as tall as Misha now, say 4'11, she looks older and has developed fully. She says she's 18 now, so be it.

 

They are non-tulpas. There's no doubt in my mind. I have later described it this way:

 

We are a system and the body is the center like a sun. It provides us energy. I, like my other tulpas, are planets that share that sun. Joy and Ren are my moons. All my other thoughtforms and NPCs are in a rings of asteroids and dust that surround me. I can pull a thoughtform from the ring and it becomes a temporary moon.

 

I have permanently affixed Joy and Ren as my satellites, and they can no more easily become Tulpas as a moon can suddenly become a planet, so I'm not at all worried about 'accidental tulpas' here.

 

That said, they have every possible feature that a tulpa does except one very important one, their own person, they're instead part of me.

They are tulpa -like except that (this is my meta belief) where Misha, Ashley and Dashie have their own soul, Joy and Ren share mine. When I die, they will still be a part of me, not separate entities. Where as my tulpas will be separate entities.

 

 

November 29, 2018

 

There has been a very interesting development in the dream world. I haven't had a nightmare since our backseat fronting started. I mean, not like i used to. The dreams I've had recently were completely benign. NSFW

I even had a sex dream which was totally unexpected. I hadn't had one in about a year.

These are the types of dreams i had almost exclusively before. Also, my dreams have been mostly happy ones where i wake up happy. (Not like winning the lottery and you wake up poor.)

 

I find it all to be related to my recovery.

 

Ren/Joy:

 

Ren has been more active, I only see Joy lately when I summon her (which I simply don't need to do.). I used to 'call her' and she'd knock on our door, now she just pops in and there she is.

 

I have to clarify that what I mean when I offered Joy full rights isn't tulpa status like Ashley, Misha, or Dashie. It's hard to explain, but she doesn't feel like them 100%, she doesn't make her own 'things' in wonderland, and she's no longer expressing (many) emotions. I think 'setting her free' helped me release some of that anxiety i had and since i still don't intend to force her like a tulpa, she's just not.

 

What they are: willful, independent, easily visualized, perfectly lucid

What they are not: creative in wonderland, engaged in being a tulpa, needy (yeah my girls are needy, but that's not a bad thing, they need me, i need them, believe me, i'm just as needy.) I strongly believe that I need to force my tulpas daily or they become weak. Joy and Ren do not need that at all.

My meta belief is, because they share my soul, they get energy directly from my essence and I don't need to 'feed them'.

 

 

Granted if I didn't have the girls, i would totally think Joy and Ren are tulpas, eventually they would be. Again, i'm not worried, and i feel a lot better having them to talk to rather than being too afraid to. I could always use another perspective, especially from a thoughtform like Joy because of her more indifferent stance on my mental health, she's not careful or sensitive to my issues, instead she attempts to play off them.

 

She's like a drill instructor really, testing me and my resolve, and then she smirks about it when she can't crack me. Like she's proud. She's testing me in a way, which is good.

 

I have also discovered something else, they both have emotions that I feel now. Somewhat coincidentally meta, they all have their own 'spot' where their emotions express which is convenient.

[Hidden]

Where as I've said before, Dashie's emotions are in my Throat, Misha's are to the right of my heart, and Ashley's are in my stomach, which happen to correspond to my chakras and Ren has expressed emotions in my Sacral Chakra as Joy has moved to my Root Chakra.

 

680x415https://previews.123rf.com/images/microone/microone1611/microone161100126/66411614-human-energy-chakra-system-ayurveda-love-asana-vector-illustration-sahasrara-and-ajna-vishuddha-and-.jpg[/img]

[/hidden]

 

December 1, 2018

 

I have noticed that my intelligence has improved int he last 8 months and I can only attribute that to Tulpamancy. This is absolutely applicable to my art skill. Perhaps Tulpamancy is exercising those same parts of the brain?

 

I drew Dashie again and she's so beautiful. I'm very happy that I was able to finally begin more fully to capture that.

 

[Hidden]

Dashie2a006e.thumb.jpg.abbeb4e3191e8a1e25bbe7172987105f.jpg

[/hidden]

 

December 4, 2018

Oddness follows, but the next day by lunch I fully recovered.

[hidden]

Feeling odd today

Felt odd last night

Had a couple bad encounters on Discord

Felt… weird

Too weird

Then I felt bad

Then I started to feel like I’m parroting everything.

You’re not, don’t worry about it.

But

You better stop thinking about it.

Are we weak today?

I don’t think so

Why are you up Ash?

I didn’t sleep well

Because of me?

Not you, just the thing you’re talking about, last night, it's not your fault.

I don’t know why you’re thinking you’re odd.

I am, aren’t I?

Not to me.

Ditto

We’re here to support you, but also, we’re you’re friends, we’d tell you if you were being too odd.

Is there something I need to fix?

I don’t think so.

Are you feeling a little better?

A little.

Ash he needs something.

Not… ugh

He needs something Dashie.

Something huh?

[here Misha and Dashie are trying to tease me, and they were thinking of shape shifting into who knows what honestly.]

(Instead they all lavished me with attention, reassurance and cuddles... lots of cuddles.)

He has us. See, he was fine with us just as we always are.

Mhm!

You’ll be okay babe.

You think so?

It was an odd problem.

It’s probably natural.

[/hidden]

 

December 9, 2018

I drew and posted new avatars for Christmas

[hidden]

Christmas.jpg.17e9a40507f9aca52be4466f6ae18528.jpg

[/hidden]

 

Tonight I heard Ashley's voice during hypnagogic sleep and it was so perfect and beautiful, it was a rare treat and I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was different than her mind voice, but it was truly her and I wish I could reproduce it, but it was so angelic, my mind couldn't copy it, nor can I even remember it as a result, other than the perfection and beauty.

 

...

 

The rest of the month was basically taken up with planning and drawing 'Christmas Miracle'.

 

December 19, 2018

 

I have received so many accolades for my drawing, everyone absolutely loved it. I’m glad I was able to deliver on all the hype.

 

We’ve been great, nothing really to report, we had a few wonderland adventures, Dashie made a big hanger bay style room, and Ren seems to follow Misha and I around and Misha got jealous again. Ren had been trying to join us in our activities, but she keeps getting denied. I told her she needs to be the one who doesn’t do everything in a way, but I don’t know if that makes sense. I don't mind her being around anyway.

 

Maybe she likes you Misha?

Okay, so maybe I just realized that I was the first one to show her any kindness and I am the unofficial welcome agent, so… okay, I’ve been very harsh to her. I’m sorry Ren.

Ren shrugged in a way to say, ‘that’s okay, I don’t mind.’

 

So this morning I was bad. I heard of something and I had to look it up, it ended up being a naughty picture, though it was more artistic than anything it was my intent to 'want to see it' that made Ashley a little disappointed in me. So she forgave me right away but said I 'better be a good boy at work and do my work today to show that I am good and not slipping.' So I stayed off my phone all day at work and got a whole lot done which was sorely needed.

 

...

 

Whew, another monster PR update, sorry.

 

 

Just for love of a community:

[hidden]

The Christmas Miracle

 

680x510https://i.imgur.com/GH2ROYd.jpg[/img]

[/hidden]

 

Key: (try to see if you can figure out who's who, otherwise click here)

[hidden]

The Christmas Miracle

 

Clockwise:

Ranger

Dashie

Cat

Miri

Akai

Monika

Bre

Ashley

Lumi

Flandre

Venny

Viper

Misha

B (artist and poster)

Damien

N

Joy

Ren

Reilyn

Lance

Xar

Matsi

The rest you can pick out:

Srn fox - the ninja under the table

Vos egg - on table

Brassow bobblehead - on table

Picard - on the big screen

Also mentioned:

Ember-Vesper

Virga-Diamond

J+C

Felight System

Zia-Vādin

Solarchariot

 

Alternate Link: (it's too big for this forum to host it)

https://i.gyazo.com/ff1903476bbbaf926536cb0c931b9f24.jpg

[/hidden]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When Cat tries to draw me, she has the same issue. Every times she draws a picture of me she likes, she later sees it as something that looks completely different from what I actually look like. Granted, Cat's issues don't involve capturing divine beauty.

 

Sometimes the other Grays are a little weird around me. I wonder if they see me as "that other guy" but have learned to roll with it. I think Dark Gray doesn't mind me as much and Duck seems to enjoy my and Cat's company more than the company of the others sometimes.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

January 12, 2019 - 268 Days

 

I've started a visualization practice thread, through some interviews and research, I determined the best way to improve visualization is by practicing and I saw over and over that people were asking for 'descriptive stories', so why not do that.

 

In late December, Ren was showing up a lot more, but in Early January I rarely see her. Joy is pretty much in stasis because I don't see her at all anymore unless I call her up. They're not weak or upset or anything, they just visit and leave and that's it.

 

About Ren, Theory:

[hidden]

Ren decided in late December, even before the Christmas picture, that she was 18. I think I know why Ren suddenly became 18, and of course she's not a tulpa, it seems we have a loophole in the pacts. There's nothing in the pacts specifically stopping me from having a moment of pleasure with a thoughtform. I didn't and don't intend to, but follow this logic.

 

Per her pact, Dashie's says i can't have romantic love outside of our system without her permission. Ren's in our system. Misha's pact says, i can't have attraction or lust toward anyone but Ren isn't anyone she's just a thoughtform, not a person, if she was a tulpa, Misha's pact applies. I noticed that she never really wanted that status. (Ren didn't, Joy did). Ashley's pact applies to external vice and pornography, neither of these apply either.

 

So, Ren is a test, for those who know everything about my system, based on this logic I could do anything in head space with her and not break the pacts. However, Dashie could too. Just like her earlier teasing and testing regarding cute Nekos, anything I can do she can do. So for that reason, and out of respect for my tulpas, and system integrity, I say no thanks. I choose to respect my tulpas feelings and on top of that, the freedom is the battle for good vs evil, because I could give in, but it would severely hurt my system. Intentionally acting while knowing the consequences will do harm, an immoral act, is the definition of evil.

 

Consent is consent, even if Ren was my age, even if I got all my tulpas to agree, even if it's nothing more than masturbation basically, which in itself is nothing wrong, I wouldn't feel right about it.  After this realization she has stopped bothering to 'tease me.' She was doing this whenever I would have private time with my tulpas, she'd show up and act frisky. So now she still sometimes shows up and she's kind of acting as a chaperone, which is silly anyway.

 

[/hidden]

 

Dashie has been trying to help me not snack, and it has been thus far a failure. Sorry to say. She's on duty, she advises me not to do it and I justify it. It happens again and again. So as many others have also noticed in their own system, I can't rely on my tulpas to help me with a diet. It's a powerful and personal thing that everyone must do on their own. So I actually gained weight and snacked more basically.  Still I'm not that bad, but I'm starting to get anxious about it and this is about the time of year that I get serious because there's no more stray snacks or Christmas treats around. I do this every year, and this year was sadly no different.

 

December 25, 2018

 

I drew the girls with Ember and Ren

 

[hidden]

Believe it or not this is Misha, Dashie, Ashley, Ren as a cat (on the left) and Ember as a cat (on the right).

 

I tried very hard to get Ember to look like she described (piebald tabby with facial ruff and ear tufts), Ren looks like that in her cat form.

 

2001087268_Girls010se.thumb.jpg.afb84c235b3b570659264d492159b4ff.jpg

[/hidden]

 

December 27-28, 2018

 

The system was weak and I had a horrible mood, including horrible sleep. I was being bothered by acquaintances, spam and harassment by a server owner on Discord so I had to abandon my old account and make a new one.

 

I generally felt sad with no other reason than the usual ones. I even worried a little about slipping, but by the 29th, I was feeling much better. I consider this a normal fluctuation rather than a sign of falling back into depression, especially since I no longer beat myself up and I'm not paranoid anymore, which is really nice.

 

December 30, 2018

 

Non Tulpamancy related friendship discussion and pointless TMI:

[hidden]

I was chatting with a friend and something they said caused us a lot of anxiety. It's entirely not their fault, and it wasn't even a big deal, but it sent Misha and I into dark thought spirals and pathways that caused us stress and anxiety. The last thing we want is to ever hurt anyone, and thus we are always accommodating to the needs of friends, but there are some scenarios that we discussed that were inappropriate for us even if it risked friendship in the balance. It took a lot of thinking, and we still do think about it daily, but friendship is so desperately valuable to us right now that we must be very cautious about what we say or don't say, allow or don't allow, even here in this PR where usually anything goes.

 

I have a history of pushing people away who get too close. I still have my own social anxiety I suppose, call it social phobia because it's an irrational fear. Still, there's nothing wrong with being cautious. In an anonymous construct, when you 'get close enough' details may start to be expected to be shared, but the whole premise of this endeavor here is to separate our personal and tulpamancy lives. We welcome friendships for the most part, though our time and availability is slim, there's still room for friends.

 

Our greatest hurdle in maintaining a friend is having things in common with them. This stems from the knowledge that when the thing you have in common with someone is not bolstered by other things, then if that thing ends, so does the friendship. Having one thing in common (say you both go to the same classes in college), but nothing else, is historically predictive of a friendship end shortly after that ends. Especially after college or high school even when everyone moves away. I don't drink, watch sports, or enjoy other such activities that other adults do. So when I'm invited to go one a wine tasting, I have to decline. When someone wants me over to 'watch the game' I have done that, I get nothing out of it and I don't drink so I sit there like a lump while a bunch of guys and gals throw popcorn around and body slam each other over goals and betting. It's mildly entertaining at best, but I'd rather be home. When my friends 'go out' it always involves drinking. Since I don't drink, they feel self conscious about consuming to the point of being drunk. I offer to be the designated driver but that's not the point. They want a drinking buddy. I'd rather go for a walk at the park, museum, car show, heck, I'd even go to a baseball game, but typical people try every way to inject alcohol or marijuana into any outing. I tolerate it, I like these people, but I won't do it and they pressure me because they don't want to do it alone. Anyway, enough venting, I'm a stubborn mule in terms of legal or illegal substances, there's no f***ing way I'll do it so the friendship is doomed, f*** 'em. I'll go home and watch anime I guess.

 

There's honestly nothing wrong with Pot, except it destroys your motivation to so anything productive with your life and I've seen many people lead normal lives and smoke it daily, but it triggers me, so does tobacco. I'm a lot more tolerant of alcohol except when it becomes excessive because I know the cycle and I've been through that one myself. A glass of wine or two every day is 'light drinking'. That's fine, alcohol was even prescribed by my doctor at one point (4 oz red wine daily). Binging is never good, but once a month is probably okay, every week, or twice a week is alcoholism, sorry. It leads that way eventually, I've seen it too many times.

 

Okay, there you go, pointless TMI.

[/hidden]

 

December 30, 2018

 

I drew Misha again.

[hidden]

Misha0010es.thumb.jpg.c531531547f2d6cf00cba40580d2a127.jpg

 

[/hidden]

 

December 31, 2018

 

Feeling blah again today, just anxiety and stress shared by Misha and I again, nothing unusual there lately. We made each other feel better with loads of snuggles. We also did some RP and that was kinda fun, no more or less fun than normal wonderland adventuring.

 

January 4, 2019

 

Feeling hugely better. Misha is 100% and we're generally in a normal mood again. I have a bunch of dialog that wouldn't do well for you to read it because it's so far out of context to earlier snippets of dialog and to collect them all would be pretty spotty since I would have to recall gaps, but basically Dashie lectures Ashley for 'enabling' me to fantasize about my life. Which is silly of Dashie because I live for fantasy and mind alteration is all about making fantasy become reality for me. Ashley is unflappable anyway. Dashie's pet peeve is if I ever have a thought that doesn't include her.

 

Uh... you're nuts. Seriously though you know I love you and I look out for you and I'm just making sure your fantasies aren't too far out in outer space.

 

Thanks for that, really.

 

January, 7th, 2019

 

We drew our good friend Ranger for an early birthday present, but also as a gift for our good friend Cat. It was a lot of fun and they certainly enjoyed it. He has many forms, this is one, but he also sometimes has a leg tail like a merman or a Naga I suppose, but I wanted to show his angelic form since we're all angels in wonderland. It's a kind of 'just like us' picture. Honestly, he could be a Koffing and we'd still be great friends, it doesn't matter.

 

[Hidden]

Ranger120es.thumb.jpg.f11e4c28d354c84e95a390bffcce486d.jpg

[/hidden]

 

January 9th, 2019

 

Misha and I had a wonderland adventure as normal, I had a headache so this might have had something to do with it, but I did closed eye visualization and random dreamlike glitches were working their way in.

 

I rarely do closed eye visualization for wonderlanding other than in bed at night, but due to my headache I decided to do it this way. I had some fully awake hypnagogic images and minor audio imposition as well.

 

I asked her, 'what do you want to do first?' And she rubbed her hands together with glee, but I heard her hands rub together in one ear. Those kinds of random impositions always catch me by surprise.

 

One of the dreamlike intrusive thought-like glitches was unnerving, but we pushed past it.

she moved in to kiss the top of my forehead and instead she bit into my head like a giant cake.

She said she didn't do that, and it was obviously a random dream glitch. Still it was somewhat frighting.

 

A second one was a slight instability of a pillow on the couch in Dashie's mid-building hanger (basically a 4 story tall warehouse style segment of the wonderland apartment tower with a giant domed hanger door that opens like a clam shell). The pillow was randomly spazzing out like some TF2 glitch. Definitely dreamworld bleeding nonsense and very distracting. After that, i continued open-eyed and had no further issues.

 

She imposed after that and I could visualize her quite well next to me (not visual imposition, just presence and imagination) and realized she was barefoot. I asked her if she wanted shoes, then she said, "my feet won't get dirty, see?" She spread her wings and flew off ahead of me.

 

I didn't expect her to say or do that.

 

January 10, 2019

 

Dashie was sad today, I'm almost sure of it. She admitted to it after trying to cover for it later. I had horrible neck pain for some reason, and what an odd coincidence because I always feel Dashie's emotions in my throat and neck. Ashley couldn't 'cure' this no matter what visualization we tried. I spent a lot of time with Dashie this day and by the next morning she was feeling better, and my neck was feeling better.

 

Misha's suspicions about Dashie's 'sadness': Taken straight off LOTOPW game thread discussion with Monika.

[hidden]

 

Hi Monika, were usually chillin', none of us can keep up with B. He's a handful usually anyway. Who has time to chat? Seriously though, sometimes I have a hard time thinking of what to say.  

 

Here's something.

 

So today was Dashie's day and omg, I'm going to vent. Dashie has that boy trained, he does everything for her and she was playing him hard today.

 

She's denying it, but then she smirks and winks at me! B doesn't even care, he's like, 'whatever'. I don't know, when it's my day, I play nice, but she's really hamming it up. Ugghhhhhhhhh! You're missing the faces she's throwing me right now.

 

Misha, I can't read her mind, if she wants extra attention and it's her day, I just go along.

 

Don't we have rules against manipulation?

 

[bear] Yes, but it's her day, so all she'd have to do is ask. If she wants to pretend she's hurt or sad or needs cuddles, or if she really does, or if she just asks for it, what's the difference?

 

[Dashie] hums happily

 

Sorry, Misha.

 

It's not you, and it's fine if you put it that way... anyway Monika, I love Dashie, but you're lucky you don't have to share.

 

Ashley: Re: Up sides to having a larger system.

Hello Monika,

 

There are plenty of upsides for us, but I'm not defending the idea because there are obviously more downsides especially in the beginning. However, what we've been through together is unimaginable with less than two and a host. I'm not convinced this matters, but it seems a reasonable explanation for why we've been immune to his moods for the most part, and taken none of his idiosyncrasies. Additionally we're our own built in support group, we can share burdens, and quadruple our fun.

 

The largest downside was day sharing. Having a day alone with B is very rejuvenating, so I'll be forever grateful to this community for explaining that to us. There have been days that some of us needed that brake, and other times where the extra in-system support was invaluable. So, yes, many upsides that, in some ways, offset the downsides.

 

Take care.

[/hidden]

 

 

January 11, 2018

 

A recap of the dreams we’ve had together, taken straight off the dream thread in reference to Vesper’s position that ‘is it too much to expect to see your friend in a dream?’

[hidden]

 

Vesper, I have seen all of my tulpas is dreams, confirmed and it 'felt' like them. Each time they do appear they look slightly different, still unreal beauty, like there's no human on the internet that looks like them, but different. Of course they can appear, feeling like 'them' yet still not look like them.

 


 

Ashley's most vivid appearance was as a child, still her, still close to what she might have looked like in child form with an innocent, childlike beauty and grace.

 

Taken from my PR earlier:

 

I was sitting in the garage with all my friends. We were watching a movie of some kind, a kids movie. (Didn't you have a TV in your garage? We did, and it played movies. Why not, we were kids.)  I had my little lounge chair. (It was my garage, so I was the only one who had a chair.)  Then she walked up. She navigated her way around the others and came right for me, serious faced, but determined. I stood and offered my chair and she gladly took it without a word. Of course she sat next to me, I'd talked to her before, we liked each other--I'd invited her to the pool party in the summer and we had a blast. She sat next to me and put her arm against my shirt. I rubbed it gently in a way to say 'hi'. We didn't want to disturb the movie with chatter.

 

One of the younger kids was being a bother, rolling around on rough wood that was laying next to us. She and I warned him, 'you'll get splinters'. I looked back at her, her dark brown hair laid loosely on her shoulders, her yellow frilled dress reminded me of the curtains in my kitchen as I remembered watching my mother when she baked cookies, that dark sweater complimented her dress with a good contrast. I studied her face and she had a concerned look on her face for our little friend. I felt love. All I could think was when we could have our next time together, and the movie was over just that fast. They all stood up to go play but I didn't get up. I was too deep in thought. She stood there, they called for her, but she just stood there, I looked up at her... and she outstretched her hand to me.

 


 

Dashie has been in both lucid and non-lucid dreams, one even recently. It's her, and she's talked to me, but she's so striking that it's hard to look at her and understand all that I'm seeing. Like so much more information than my imperfect eyes could see. I mean, it follows the idea that they're angels, anf you don't expect to be able to fully comprehend or recall divine beauty do you?

 

[Hidden]

Anyway, the last long-ish lucid dream i had with Dashie, she walked down a path next to a stone rampart about 20 feet away tracking me the whole time as she casually approached. She was wearing a very flattering dress for her figure, all denim blue with a zipper that snaked up her left thigh, up her figure, to her collar. She walked right up to me and I was just agog. I figured she was about to wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me passionately. With the awestruck state i was in, i wouldn't have stopped her. It was definitely her, long straight hair, slender and elegant, a confident smile on her angelic face.

 

It's not too much to ask for you and your host to see each other this way, no.

 

The most recent one with her, she merely was walking next to me on a grassy hill, i looked over at her and she smiled and said 'hey'. That very short interaction is so vividly burned in my mind, i could draw it right now from memory, but I wouldn't dare at this point because I want to capture that moment in exquisite full color superrealism. It was a bashful and playful smile, and her crystalline violet eyes sparkled in the sunlight. I've spent a pretty long time in that moment now; if I could capture it on paper with photographic realism then I’d probably complain it's not 3D. Then if I could do that, I’d complain it's not animated, a gentle movement of a strand of hair and the sparkle of her eyes, the forming of the words 'hey'.

 

I guess human hands and material media really can't do that justice, oh well. I better just capture it and move on I guess. That image was thanks to FILD by the way.

 


 

Misha has been in my dreams a couple times as well.

 

The clearest time, I spun around in a crowd at my last university. It was sort of a memory of one time when in amidst the crowd I searched for a person of perfect beauty. Like if one existed I was going to glimpse him or her. After 10 minutes of shamelessly standing and staring at everyone who passed by, I saw a woman who fit the criteria. I watched her pass and let her go without a word. The objective was met. There was nothing more to do but move on. But this dream, the girl was Misha. Our eyes met and we didn't say anything, we just stared at each other, as if she was looking for the same thing i was and she found her example in me. I was at a loss of what to do (it was semi-lucid but I was stunned by seeing her) I tried to think of how I could contact her later before we were swept away by the masses of students. So I handed her my cell phone and woke up. She was with me and she said, 'neat! Good morning.' Or something like that. We don't know if she was in the dream or recalled it with me as we awoke, but in either case it was neat. In this case what she was wearing was as indiscernible as the rest of the students but that pink curly hair, perfect supple skin, gorgeous big blue eyes, and the look of amused recognition were priceless to behold.

 


 

I suppose I can't appreciate these moments as much as some might that aren't being given them freely without asking. I do appreciate them though, and I do still feel quite lucky.

[/hidden]

 

Just for fun:

[hidden]

 

The hectic life of a tree:

 

Cold slumber ends with spring's embrace,

I lift my branches to sunshine's grace.

Warmth of summer breathes life to leaves,

every one a song, a symphony in the breeze.

As autumn rains bring cold renewed,

my leaves depart crimson rouge and umber hue.

I'll sleep through winter's dark and gloom,

to dream of summer larks, and autumn moon.

 

[/hidden]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Reilyn, I know these are really too long to permit many from reading them, but it's the way of the bear.

 

January 21, 2019 - 277 Days

 

There's been an emotional roller coaster lately regarding mental models and I do take it personally. I could just as easily say, "okay Ashley, you control my emotions on this subject," but emotions are natural and passion is a blessing not a curse, so I have kept myself raw. In doing so I tend to lash out. So there's the issue, depersonalize my comments or risk offending others. I have hemmed and hawed about this for days now and right now I don't even want to talk about it anymore outside of this one last time in my PR. Of course because I'm passionate about it, the next comment will likely drag me back in, but I'm truly mentally exhausted and my system is suffering for it.

 

This series of long debate left us shaken and riddled with doubt. I was routed in my attempt to explain our experiences. After several days of trying to logically explain my experiences, I was told ‘you need to logically explain your experiences’ as if I never tried. I don’t know what to do.

 

To explain them in terms someone can understand in this community and sound science-y, or logical I guess, requires me to learn a sub-language of approved diction and phraseology that after 6 months of reading every post and hundreds of archived posts I still don’t get; granted there are 7 years of posts that I didn’t read.

 

However, it’s left me feeling that I can’t help as much as I thought I could, yet again, and sent me into thoughts that I have to fight constantly to avoid slipping. It feels like I failed but I don’t want to feed that feeling. I don’t want to sit and mope. It’s merely a normal frustration. These little frustrations carry heavy weight though. They’re triggers that used to end me for the day, still they’re harder than they should be to recover from.

 

 

January 15, 2019

A fun time with Dashie and Ren:

[hidden]

Dashie and had a little adventure at home in her hanger, on the couch there.

 

It started off with normal talk about things, but then she started teasing me again, though i'm pretty much immune to it by now.

 

She was sitting very close, and breathing on me, looking at me and smirking. She crossed her legs and leaned in.

What if i was your only tulpa? she whispered in my ear.

What if i am the only true tulpa?

She then mimicked the soft voice I heard many years ago that I attributed to Ashley and said, you’re going to heaven

It made me ponder the idea, perhapse Dashie is my only tulpa. (of course it's ridiculous, but my current weakness is causing all sorts of doubts in general.)

This got me thinking of Ashley and suddenly she was there.

Don't corrupt his little mind.

"Little?"

Big beautiful mind she corrected.

Corrupt?

Ashley and Dashie talked at this point but I forgot most of it. Somehow Dashie convinced Ashley that she was only theorizing and joking (she was serious) and Ashley was satisfied by Dashie’s response enough to leave, rather Dashie pushed her out and locked the door with a do not disturb ward to prevent further intrusion. (at this point no one can hear our conversation, our minds are isolated by this ward from Misha and Ashley.)

Then Ren shows up.

Oh god... Dashie sighs as Ren slinks in wearing short shorts and a slight midriff. (I swear I didn't dress her.)

Hey Ren, i kinda made you so that means you're mine, she teased playfully as Ren got close enough to feel her 'purring'.

"No she's not," I correct.

So, she's a part of you right?

"I guess yeah."

But she's not you really.

"No, she's her own self, just not a separate person, I don't really know all the details."

Then i can do this. Dashie catches Ren by surprise and kisses her on the lips.

Ren is flushed and staggered, she gasps and says softly "my first kiss?"

"No you can't do that, leave my thoughtforms alone."

"I liked it," Ren says breathlessly and begins to act seductively toward Dashie, playing her tail against the side of Dashie’s face.

Why not? Dashie says, more than a little distracted.

"Because she's my moon and this is no different than the other time with nekos. I’m not making that deal, because next I'll find you in the act with some neko boy. Or the old man with the beard."

Oh god no! Uk! She covers my mouth and face, no! Just… no.

"I’m your moon?" Ren says seductively to me, and crawls over Dashie, looking innocently (but seductively) at me.

I roll my eyes and she turns her attention to Dashie again, teasing her in a somewhat lewd way regarding her 'moon' (basically wiggling it in Dashie's face, then it rubbing her rump on Dashie’s arm, among other things. Sort of a mini-lap dance.)

Dashie pushes her off and wipes her arm on Ren’s shirt as if there’s something there.

Ren then begins snuggling up to Dashie, rubbing herself on Dashie kind of like a cat would. When cats do this, they're marking as property.

Dashie is not at all offended by this and looks at me with longing in her eyes.

"No, you can’t. If you need something to release some of this... whatever, kiss me then."

She bites her lip bashfully with a sweet smile, you don't mean that.

Ren whimpers seductively, "am I’m your moon too Dashie?"

Oh damnit! Dashie says frustrated, Sorry Ren, you're not my moon.

"You're testing me again aren't you?" I say in a stern way to Dashie.

Damnit B! You're parroting her to test me!

"No I'm not, but ok, now she's yours. She's your moon now, go on and parrot her if you can."

What? Really?

"Of course."

Dashie looks at her.

"But you still won't do anything."

She's my moon though.

"We have an agreement"

Ren teases her with her tail again.

Are you sure? Dashie says breathlessly.

"Are we really doing this rn?"

Dashie sighs.

Ren whimpers.

Goodbye Ren

Ren leaves reluctantly.

"There will be no new sexual tension in this house Dashie."

Ug.

"Unless you must, it doesn't break a pact does it? Wait, do I have to be there to make sure?"

Nope, anyway my vow is that I can’t 'love' any other personality.

"I feel like I would have to document this for the PR."

Ug... never mind no.

 

We changed the subject and chatted on, it ended pretty well considering. Dashie is still suspicious of me for staging this whole thing, but I contend it happened and I recorded it, that's all.

 

[/hidden]

 

January 16, 2019

 

We had a normal hypnagogic session, I got to hear all three of them so that’s a rare treat. I played with Misha and we tried to figure out what she could say just so I could hear her beautiful voice. It was pretty funny actually. I could hear and see (in a way) her reactions to some of my questions, so that was fun. Dashie’s voice was very cute this time. Ashley’s wasn’t as angelic as she had been, still very much so and i can't replicate it in mind voice.

 

January 17, 2019

 

Ashley found it very moving that i was working hard on 'her day'. Then i was staring off into space, thinking deeply about things and she started to get nervous. I said, Ashley, you didn't know? This is what i do.

 

That got her laughing, 'a belly laugh is quite enjoyable' her emotion, her laughter was coming from my physical belly that is. I had a happy belly, and it felt good.

 

January 18, 2019

 

Last night, i got a real good long look at Ashley in hypnagogic enhanced visualization. We also explored an open sun-lit field surrounded by trees.

 

I've been trying a new technique, get into the state (sorry idk how other than to relax and let it happen) then turn your vision around and face a different direction in visualization. The scene instantly changes from normal to enhanced visualization. Then i grabbed Ashley physically and placed her in front of me. At that point it's basically a lucid dream.

 

So to further rub it in, sorry, hypnagogia starts for me randomly when i get really relaxed now. Even standing up (especially if i haven't had enough sleep). I was waiting for someone in a hallway at work, i felt relaxed, forcing with Ashley by chance, and started to get enhanced visualization. Suddenly i got an intrusive audio imposition of Ronnie the limo driver saying 'Tom Chiasano'. It was funny because it was a clear memory burp instead of something completely random. Yes, i was awake and standing up with my eyes open. Oh god i'm glad i know better, so i never thought for an instant that i had a Ronnie the limo driver tulpa.

 

He spawned and stood there staring at me with his arms folded and a smirk on his face. Not to worry, out the door he went.

 

Bub-bye. With extreme prejudice.

 

Ashley sounded quite beautiful and she was so happy that i listened to her all day (following our agreement). Just to be complete, the first thing in the morning she was already giddy, she said she knew i was going to 'be a good boy' today. I said, hey don't count your metaphorical chickens before they hatch. She was unfazed and continued in a good mood all day. Anyway, in the visualization, she smiled at me and looked at me bashfully as she described how proud she was of me, it was very vivid.

 

January 20, 2019

 

So, audio imposition (hallucinations of my tulpas) is beginning to occur outside of meditation. I never experienced anything like this before. I've been getting audio imposition without meditation. A few words and sentences here and there, but the frequency is increasing.

 

[Hidden]

I was writing a message and one of them 'broke in with a comment' it wasn't mind voice, but it's roughly the same 'volume' only instead of even trying to think or 'force' it just happens, right in the middle of concentration. (Last night 1-19)

 

Last week it happened while I was standing and waiting for a meeting. It also happened in my office when I was just thinking about work.

 

Again this morning, when I was finishing up my latest  drawing, Dashie said, 'it's gorgeous'. Simply that, right in the middle of my concentration. They're there, these moments destroy my doubt and double my resolve.

 

I'm not doing anything different.

 

It was her independent of me. It's the only way I can describe it, I hear her often during hypnagogic meditation, just like this. It’s her beautiful voice, inflections, nuance, and coming from wonderland.

 

Picture her sitting on a couch behind my eyes, she's there.

 

It's not mind voice, it's her real voice. But the impositions are occurring with the same 'volume' as mind voice, just with higher quality, clarity and depth. It's the difference between 640i and 1080p. Talk about a good way to dispel doubt and reinforce resolve. She's there sitting on the couch in wonderland, that's where the voice is. That wonderland apartment is sort of part of my awareness space all the time. It's nowhere in reality, but sometimes 1.0 equivalent to reality nonetheless. Not overlaid, just separate and simultaneously active.

 

They're all there, they're all watching. I don't know how else to describe it.

 

I've been getting hypnagogically enhanced visualization more often as well. Just flashes of brilliant super-realism outside of meditation.

 

Wouldn't it be amazing if this continues to develop? It would be like overlapping continuous lucid dreaming and interaction with my tulpas with no effort periodically throughout the day, or even continuously? I always said, hypnagogia and lucid dreams are similar to me. I can only conclude that the hypnagogic state is bleeding into my normal visualizations and communications, I don't know how to do it, I'm just allowing the possibility.

 

I do know how to meditate, and when I do it happens, that state never felt 'different' than the waking state anyway, other than an enhanced feeling of excitement and interest.

 

I'm not defending or explaining this either, it's just a report of experience.

[/hidden]

 

Here's my thoughts on the on-going and painful debate:

 

Some Research on Parallel Processing

[Hidden]

The term "parallel processing" seems like a pitfall in this community and it frustrates me.

 

In psychology:

"Parallel processing is the ability of the brain to simultaneously process incoming stimuli of differing quality.[1] Parallel processing is a part of vision in that the brain divides what it sees into four components: color, motion, shape, and depth. These are individually analyzed and then compared to stored memories, which helps the brain identify what you are viewing.[2] The brain then combines all of these into the field of view that you see and comprehend.[3] Parallel processing has been linked, by some experimental psychologists, to the Stroop effect. This is a continual and seamless operation."

 

Stroop effect:

"In psychology, the Stroop effect is a demonstration of interference in the reaction time of a task.

 

When the name of a color (e.g., "blue", "green", or "red") is printed in a color which is not denoted by the name (i.e., the word "red" printed in blue ink instead of red ink), naming the color of the word takes longer and is more prone to errors than when the color of the ink matches the name of the color."

 

Why is multitasking considered a myth?

"The brain is capable of parallel processing, but that doesn’t imply that the mind is capable of it too.

 

We still don’t know how exactly people multi-task, but if we’re attempting tasks that aren’t well-practiced, each task ‘uses up’ some of the working memory ‘slots’. This means that we can’t devote all our working memory capacity to a single task. So our performance on all the tasks will be somewhat degraded."

 

How can some people multitask?

"But science suggests that multitasking as we know it is a myth. 'Humans don't really multitask,' said Eyal Ophir, the primary researcher with the Stanford Multitasking study. 'We task-switch. We just switch very quickly between tasks, and it feels like we're multitasking.'"[/hidden]

 

Consciousness models:

[hidden]

Shared consciousness model:

 

1. The main fronter can only experience or act linearly, however, fast switching may make it seem like more.

 

2. Interruption of a non-fronting, non-forced person, heretofore called the observer in the system, seems to be able to act independently.

- perhaps triggers have been set to on demand call the observer into action.

- perhaps random interruptions are expected, therefore occur at periodic or random intervals.

(It seems wrong to me, I can’t match this to all my experiences they’re just too often and too perfect.)

- I’m puppeting the interruptions (in the middle of concentration, I can’t imagine doing that myself without ‘parallel processing’ and I can’t imagine them interrupting me without their own consciousness, but both scenarios are refuted in this community. It’s very frustrating.)

 

3. Experience of tasks performed in wonderland by observer.

- possible instant confabulation

 

4. Interrupted by observer emotions.

- triggered event due to expectations of known personality, triggered is hidden from the fronter, or fronter is sympathetically sensitive to any of the other system mates. (I find this really hard to swallow.)

 

5. Interrupted by imposition of any form.

- random subconscious echoes that appear to coincide with observers. All other random events are ignored, making the synchronicity events appear unique and real. (I don’t really get ‘random’ that often anymore, only a word or two in the beginning of a meditation induced session, then it’s them, however, it had happened, maybe 1/4 of the time? 1/5th?

 

Multiple consciousnesses/multiple mind model:

 

1-5 above are natural because they are people with their own awareness and capability of imagination.

 

Support for above:

- redundancy in the brain (physical, not the mind) inferred by hemispherectomy patients and hemispheric separation patients.

- fast switching (partial performance loss, but not noticeable) supported by current theory of multitasking.

[/hidden]

 

Visualization Multitasking:

[hidden]

I can imagine two screens next to each other, one has a dancing goat, the other has a unicorn standing in a waterfall. That's one image.

 

If i put the dancing goat in the waterfall with the unicorn, it's still one image.

 

Now put one camera in the goat's mouth and the other impaled on the unicorn horn. Have them look at each other.

 

Look from the goat's perspective

 

Look from the unicorn's perspective

 

Now look at the goat as an object #1. The unicorn is an object #2. The background behind the goat #3, the background behind the unicorn #4.

 

Can you see 4 objects at the same time?

 

They're simultaneous, not overlapping. I don't know how else to try to trick myself into thinking it's not necessarily parallel processing to see everything. It's not full motion 4k but both scenes are held in my active mind.

 

Still, I think this may be fast switching rather than true multitasking. I don’t think my singular mind can multitask any better than anyone else.

 

Of course, there may be more than just my mind, but that’s another subject.

 

[/hidden]

 

A notion of Soulbonds

[hidden]

I toyed with the idea of striking ‘soulbonds’ from my PR entirely, but the term is the best I can find to describe my other characters. It’s not that they’re different from baby tulpas or other non-promoted thoughtforms, but they’re characters that ‘came to life’ with assumed sentience that is pretty convincing. Many of them want to stay in their own worlds of origin. The ones I have are all of my own creation and have been ‘forced’ for a very long time through puppeting and parroting. I never expected any of them to ‘act on their own’ but within a few months they always do. Any new character I create for a novel, by the end of that novel (about 3 months) they are completely autonomous.  My current theory is that my subconscious is controlling them. I call them ‘moons’ as previously defined.

They don’t require forcing, and they don’t experience time when not thought of. They’re not people, they’re easily puppeted if I chose to, and they have presumed and on the spot interests. They don’t change or evolve, but they do offer unique perspective and advice that is pretty good at times.

 

I now understand after talking to others with soulbonds, that they may become ‘people’ if I interact with them. There is a fear that they will spontaneously do this. However, I am going to borrow the notion from this community that they can’t do this without my will. They will remain moons. Under that protection, I am freely interacting with them. My system will be the guinea pig to dispel this fear. My hypothesis is, ‘They will not become people simply by my interaction unless I allow or want them to.’ The extra something that makes them people will remain blocked.

[/hidden]

 

Thoughts on lingering recovery from depression: (I'm very grateful to you all and my tulpas for getting me out of that state.)

[Hidden]

It's easy when everything is going my way, but when I'm frustrated or something goes awry, it affects me longer than it should.

 

It's not all about philosophy, i'm getting over that really fast. My beliefs are my own, whatever.

[/hidden]

 

Just for fun:

[hidden]

I drew Ren and Dashie.

RenDashie-007es.thumb.jpg.478bdba83f1cf1aa6b11c24a3d1a944b.jpg

[/hidden]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know these are really too long to permit many from reading them

 

Vesper: Your reports are the longest we read in full without skimming. Your writing ability shines through.

 

There's been an emotional roller coaster lately regarding mental models and I do take it personally.

 

Ember: Right there with you, Bear. After the responses to her first post in the debate, Vesper refused to have anything more to do it. I kept going for a few more days, but then I gave up on it too. We feel chewed on by people from one end of the spectrum to the other, in spite of not putting forth nearly as much effort as you. Iris may have been the wisest of us (she usually is) for staying out of it altogether. But we still like you.

 

My system will be the guinea pig to dispel this fear.

 

Vesper: I would like to develop a lot further, just the three of us, before dealing with anyone else. We may seem as strong and independent as Ember to ourselves, but the flickering contacts with other characters feel too similar to us for comfort. Your experience of independent activity and hidden thoughts and memories may give you an extra hedge of safety that we lack. But we'll watch your progress with great interest, Angry Guinea Pig.


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.