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News:

1) Started trying to lucid dream again the day before yesterday. No results yet.

2) We don't have pneumonia or anything bad, it's a chest infection triggering asthma that I didn't remember having because I haven't had a chest infection in a decade.

3) The aforementioned experiment was going to allow Kaffryn to become something like Torea, and for like one day a week allow one of them to be a "tulpa" for the day. However, Torea's now joined the system as a tulpa. Surprisingly, having five tulpas isn't all that different from having four (at least for us). Torea's just as strong as our other tulpas, and she's just popping in more often to talk. So, Torea's our sixth (and definitely final) system member. We weren't going to allow her to become a tulpa, but it's not really adding someone new; she was already around before, now it's just more often and she comes to say silly things that make us laugh every now and then.

4) We have done nothing with Dave Hughes.

5) Kaffryn has not been interacted with.

6) I'm lazy with remembering to keep posting in here.

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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More news:

Our body might have whooping cough, so we’re going to be off school for two more days if we don’t. If we do, then we’ll be off for another two school days. What this means is that hopefully during this time we might be able to fit in a few lucid dreaming attempts (since if we’re off school, we get to sleep in).

 

Unfortunately, if we cough or

throw up

, it seems that whoever else was fronting gets pushed out of our body and I get thrown back into the front. I feel bad because no one else has fronted for very long recently. They’re tired too, I guess. It could be no one wants to be fronting in a sick body, and I don’t blame them.

 

Hopefully we’ll make some progress now that a major English assignment has cleared, and for at least a day or two we can just focus on each other and getting some rest.

 

When we return, we’re hoping to try and get to a point where we can swap fronters quickly. A nice thing about us is that out of all of our subjects, usually at least one of us is interested. Problem has been that we take a while to do this and we don’t want anyone to get suspicious or ask what we’re doing. Does anyone have any tips for how to do this faster?

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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Swapping fronters fast just takes practice and getting accustomed to fronting more. The more a tulpa gets used to being in the front, the easier it'll be for them to enter it. You can use symbolism if that helps. Our system came up with a stupid little rhyme: "There's nothing else for me to do, I will now switch with you!" Maybe you'll find that useful in a placebo sort of way XD. Also don't worry about people noticing, that's not likely to happen.

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Thanks Luxio. We’ll see if it’ll work. :)

 

About people noticing, sometimes people do notice when we try to swap fronters and think I’m trying to sleep so they always come over to “wake me up”.

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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Total strangers have stopped what they were doing to ask us if we're all right if they see us switch in front of them. And our friends can usually recognize who is fronting on sight, before we ever open our mouth. So yes, some people will notice.

 

As Luxio said, it gets faster and easier with practice. If people are disturbing you because they think you're falling asleep, do you think you could practice with your eyes open? We've switched eyes open from the beginning and not found it to be a problem.

 

-Ember

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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We could try doing it open-eyed, but usually we’re better at doing it close-eyed. Thanks for the idea :)

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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  • 2 months later...

This PR is really messy. Anyway, stuff has happened. I'm not sure what's written here and what isn't. A lot of stuff's happened in the last few days anyway that I wanted to mention here because it affects all of us going forward from now, and everything's a bit complicated.

 

(Note: The rest of this post talks about gender dysphoria and some other not-so-fun things)

 

Over about the past two weeks my gender dysphoria has been getting worse. Everyone's had a bit of it at least to some mild degree in the past due to us now being a system with three female members (Azure, Jade and Torea), two non-binary members (Spark and I), and one male member (Damien) in a male body.

 

I never said anything on here about what's in this hidden tag at the time that was happening, but it's relevant to what's going on. (Warning: mentions of tulpamancy doubts, gender dysphoria, and

suicidal thoughts

)

[hidden]It was either January or February that I started thinking about wanting to die for what was seemingly no apparent reason. This lasted a month and a half coupled with some really bad tulpamancy doubts. They were bad to the point where I started worrying about solipsism on top of that (and at one point experienced what I think was derealisation, which I experienced alone). I'm over the doubts now and I've found a lot of reasons to believe that my other system members are sentient.

 

Those suicidal thoughts and feelings I'm worried could have meant I may have hurt myself in some way if I wasn't part of a system. No matter how crap I felt about myself, someone else in the system was there to help comfort me and sent me feelings of love. I thought that even if I deserved to die, there was no way any of them did. I don't really know if they did, but they may have saved my life and kept me sane until those thoughts and feelings started to stop about a month and a half later.

 

I seemed to be the only one affected by those thoughts at the time; the others were immune. There was one exception where Damien got them for about five to ten minutes, and I just felt hopeless for not knowing what to do while Azure tried to comfort him.

 

Since then, I realised that these thoughts were starting to come from gender dysphoria. The dysphoria has been a pain for me nearly daily for months at this point, but these feelings have been much less frequent and less intense since. I'm never going to act on them, but feeling like that isn't fun or helpful.

 

However, I was up until 2am on Wednesday morning because I felt suicidal again.[/hidden]

 

After that, when it was actually an hour anyone would be awake on Wednesday, I went to our mother because I felt so terrible. I didn't say anything but she knew something was wrong and was getting seriously worried. I'd written about the thousandth attempt at an explanation of what had happened since around February (with the tulpamancy bits cut out), explaining that I was non-binary and was going through gender dysphoria. She eventually guilted me into giving them to her even though I was absolutely terrified of what would happen, but she's been really supportive these last few days. Tomorrow morning we'll be going to see a GP about the dysphoria.

 

However, all of this time we've been having an ethical dilemma about coming out. Since it's a rule in our system that any major decisions have to be unanimous, being recognised as non-binary would mean distancing Damien from having that gender congruence the rest of us don't (I'm a mix between female and something other than male or female, so Az, Jade and Torea still partially identify with what we're saying to others). I was against coming out because if we want to take any actions in the future relating to this issue, Damien might get dysphoria again

and I really don't want to see him suicidal again

. After

my suicidal feelings

on Wednesday morning, he decided that he'd rather I say something rather than torture myself worrying about him.

 

It's all a big mess. On top of that, we have another thoughtform, Evelyn. I didn't really intend for this to happen, but a character who I started to come up with for a creative writing workshop today ended up telling me what to write, and told me things like what the setting was (and even showed me in a lot better visualisation quality than I've ever had) from her point of view and told me things like her name and personality. She seems pretty nice, but we've got to make sure we don't make Somesix into Someseven.

 

It's all been chaotic and stressful. On top of this I have a major assignment due in about a week that I was already majorly behind on before the school holidays that I've made barely any progress on due to procrastination used to distract me from the dysphoria distracting me from working on a project for a subject I hate. At least at the end of the day, I get to be together with five other beautiful people who have had such a major role in keeping me sane and feeling loved this year.

“We need MOAR FLUFFY TOASTERS!!!” - Torea

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Hi N, Az, Jade, Damien, Spark and Torea! Hello Evelyn!

 

I'm sorry to read you've been struggling so much lately, I hope things become less stressful soon.

I'm stretching my arms ten times their size to hug all of you at once, dear friends.

Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.

 

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[Dashie] Why would it mean distancing Damien from being male? I think the body vs what you identify with are irrelevant to what Damien chooses to be. Can you explain?

 

[bear] doubts are very common early on, eventually you won't doubt anymore, it took us about 10-12 months before doubts were finally just other intrusive thoughts.

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Ember:

It wouldn't and it is irrelevant, Dashie. Damien is of the same gender as the body's current outward status. That means he has gender congruence, unlike everyone else. Gender-related changes to the body would reduce his gender congruence without changing him.

 

 

I used to have a lot of gender dysphoria myself, but I transitioned nineteen years ago. Several years later, I realized I couldn't quite recall what dysphoria felt like.

 

Vesper: I still do have some dysphoria when switched in, though not the abject horror of the body that I had two years ago. Not all of the dyphoria derives from lingering traces of Ember's trans background, though that's the largest source. Iris, on the other hand, has never been bothered at all.

 

Ember: Congratulations on initial support from your mother. It took my mother over a decade to accept what I had done and my father never has.

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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