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Aiming at Self Deception


Florence

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Oh! I never looked at your profile, i didn't know how Zia knew it was your birthday recently.

 

Happy belated birthday, hopefully you get more progress soon.

 

Thanks bear! :)  Way too busy recently, probably need to carefully rebalance work & life to get any progress. I chose freelance working style for being free in choosing when to work and when to not, don't know how it becomes workaholic style all of a sudden.  xD

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Same here, I do know the feeling of being hungry, so yes, I take more jobs than I can handle regularly. It's a compulsion of a sort I think.

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Same here, I do know the feeling of being hungry, so yes, I take more jobs than I can handle regularly. It's a compulsion of a sort I think.

 

Wish I knew how to feel hungry. Whether it's work or games/hobbies, I just fail to feel hunger or fatigue whenever I get focused. Food or sleep tend to get put off for hours or even a whole day, *sigh* Even the "bad food" type becomes good for me due to the high fat and sugar which all becomes energy instead of piling up.  xD

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Record of Dec 21st-31th

 

Previous: #37

 

Dec 21st

13 mins

Finally got some breathing space! I hope. Mental status is immediately improving! :)

 

Dec 22nd

14 mins

Sorted a ton of things. Summer shoes are back inside their boxes now so this is a very good sign. Tomorrow I should finally have time to draw the pic I mentioned on Dec 10th. That's actually quite important because it's the birthday pic... Can't believe I spent 2 weeks working instead, meh.

 

Dec 23rd

0 min

Got fully occupied with painting pic and chatting with friends (For some reason some of my friends keep contacting me. Oh well. Those are interesting people so that's at least worthy of putting energy into)

 

The thoughts that come with the pic:

----

It hasn't rained for a couple of years,

Sunlight is warm, days are calm

So won't you come to me? With preparation please

Defend yourself, defend yourself from

----

Edited by Florence
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  • 1 month later...

Finalllllly! Finally not busy any more! No wait, I'm still busy. I just got it under control (hopefully). The freelance jobs are so damn abundant that I've finally learnt how bad it is to take too many of them.

 

So yes, I think I will keep EVERYTHING under control as best as I can, and have time for this tulpa project again - also have time to properly sleep/eat/play/exercise again.

 

Will pick up writing the record tomorrow  :)

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Please accept my offer of good luck to you.

 

Thanks~  :)  Shouldn't be any problem anyway, since it's just a free-time-for-fun project after all. Apparently I already prioritize dollars over this project, lol   xD

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2.5

10 mins

Just picking it up. Honestly not going to be any real progress for at least a week, I think

(Besides I'm currently back home for spring festival - I will have less time for it than usual)

 

2.6

8 mins

Good... Still having time for this. Need to pick up exercise too... *Frowning unhappily when realizing how many things in my life that I actually plan to do*

 

2.7

10 mins

Slowly getting the correct feeling back. Can get to see yellow/blue or light dots again (and again: visual fatigue or sth, yeah).

 

2.8

0 min

Urm, well. Can still get busy on Fridays, apparently...

 

2.9

0 min

Taking a day off

 

2.10

17 mins

Interesting stuff! Saw some "colors". I could even say those are almost like real colors. Could be visual fatigue or sth but they look different from what I used to see. It changed from dark blue to slightly brighter dark blue, then half purple half blue.

I checked on wikipedia; the (almost) exact sequence was "Indigo dye" - "Indigo" - "Electric indigo". WOW that's cool, why do they all have "indigo" in their names...

 

Summary:

 

Saw some colors

Could this be reliable? Very hard to say. It seemed so vivid at the time but it only lasted for maybe 1~2 minutes. Further attempts on that day haven't shown anything like that yet. But never mind, we have time. We'll see if we can make it happen again.

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2.11

8 mins

Nothing special.

 

2.12

5 mins

Short, but I think I'm seeing some kind of color again...? Quite unreliable though. I'll not say I saw anything unless things get "real" enough in front of me.

 

2.13

10 mins

Nope, nothing

 

2.14

0 min

Too busy

 

2.15

7 min

Nope

 

2.16

0 min

Taking a day off

 

2.17

0 min

Same

 

2.18

14 mins

OK! STH insteresting!!! I didn't see anything, alright. But that night I dreamt of "closing my eyes and seeing sth in front of me" scenario. It was just half a minute, but I can certainly say to "imagine to see sth" and to "see it" is totally different. In my dream I could perfectly see a small gray circle in front of my eyes. It had small layers on the edge and it kept spinning.

So yes - I would only say "I can see it" if I can see sth like in my dreams. None of the previous experience is enough! I need to make it happen.

 

2.19

9 mins

Nope

 

2.20

13 mins

Nope

 

Summary:

 

Dream hint

Yes, to "see" sth is totally different. My dream told me so and I'll aim at such a phenomenon.

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  • 3 weeks later...

2.21

6mins

Suddenly caught a bad cold; still functional though

 

2.22

0min

 

2.23

12 mins

Nothing special... But during the practice I started to think about "birds" for no reason, or more like bird chirps all around like a chorus. No, those aren't real sounds or hallucinations, just a mere thought, like the kind of "intrusive music/songs" that happens to most people. The memory-born chirps are quite lovely though.

And there's sth else I need to mention. I couldn't make sure before, but now I think it's certain - I think my forehead skin sensitivity during such practices is rising. I can feel the air flow in the room that isn't detectable in normal circumstances. I wonder why just the forehead skin though? What about other parts of the skin? If I try to focus elsewhere will I be able to feel the air with other skin as well? Interesting stuff but not priority at the moment.

 

2.24/25/26/27/28

0 mins

Because busy and such... No actually half of it was busy; the other half was "hell yeah I have time to play again, before more jobs come in"

 

Summary:

Not doing much these couple of days, but well, interesting stuff on 23rd. Honestly, the progress cannot be ideal if I waver around in the eternal cycle of "busy/play/back to normal but busy again soon". I'll see how well I can fix this habit of mine (oh damn... I also need to get that Valentine's pic done some time later. *sigh*)

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