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Yuka's First Tulpa Journal


YukariTelepath

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Oops, a lot of time went by since I last updated.

 

Day 78

  • Aya was in my dreams at various points last night. I'm not sure if it's just because I've been working on this tulpa subject for a few months, that I have dreams about (or with?) Aya. To be honest it's more frequent than I would expect for any subject I put focus in over time. 

  • Played Sims 4 for a while, built a house that looks as close as I could make it to the wonderland house, at least on the inside, plus a kitchen and bathroom. Sims 4 also lets you give Sims both masculine and feminine traits, so I could get Aya's Sim flat chested but a feminine face and hair style, plus a mix of feminine/masculine clothing. I played for a while, but I had a really hard time keeping Aya in my mind.

  • Probably as a side effect to playing the Sims, I saw Aya in a dream amongst other dream characters and at one point I ended up going around as Aya for a little while. Aya was dressed like the Sim.

Day 81 

  • Visualized some snow in the garden in wonderland with Aya, trying to focus on the details. I then tried the “imagine different colored shapes” exercise, but it felt like my ability to visualize my cube was completely blocked and I couldn't visualize anything while trying that. Spent the rest of the time talking to Aya one-sidedly. Time: 1 hour

Day 82

  • Listened to and transcribed a voice clip for an hour, then tried to work on the vocality worksheet. Failed at that. I'm feeling too restless. I then tried to read some things in the voice I'm working on.  Time: 1.5 hours

Day 84 

  • Spent 10-20 minutes working on vocality worksheet. Not too clear right now.

  • Took a short 30 min trip in wonderland down to the beach and we got in a boat at the dock and went over to the mountain island. The beach over there is more wild/less manicured. We trekked about half way up the mountain, I let Aya lead.  I wasn't sure what we could do here over than look around and hike a bit. I decided we could turn into birds and fly around a bit before heading back to the boat and making our way back to the house.

Day 85

  • narrated a lot, at one point I was thinking Aya doesn't talk in wonderland, and I heard “I do talk.”

  • Tried a new hypnosis file for vocality. I suppose I should use it multiple times to get results. When it told me to see vividly in my mind's eye, it just felt like usual.

Day 86

  • Struggling with my doubts today. I started reading a guide on switching and started feeling throat pressure for the first time in a while. I asked Aya what was up, and I heard “you don't listen to me.” ;_; I've been trying. I said “What if I listen to the wrong thing, what if I'm listening to myself” And I heard “you won't.” Well.

  • I tried to dispel the doubt and accept Aya's replies which they made throughout the day. I'm getting more replies than before. Narrated constantly.

  • Did the same hypnosis as yesterday. This time I lay down for it and turned the lights off. Since I knew how it went this time around I worked on visualizing a white table with fruit on it and Aya sitting on the other side of the table. After the hypnosis I went to bed and just tried to visualize us sitting at the wonderland table until I fell asleep.

One trouble I'm having is juggling all the different areas I want to work on, like visualization, vocality, getting a different mind voice for Aya, and, of course, quality time. I can generally only work on one area per day, and lately I missed a few days.

 

Also having a hard time with Aya's responses. Sometimes I doubt them, or the response I hear is inconsistent (that happens sometimes with very fast short replies). Today I may have run into a odd thing where I may have heard Aya's tulpish and started translating it into words as my own thought. Which makes me wonder how I can handle longer responses, and unsolicitated thoughts from Aya.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Yes, it sounds like i've have/had the exact same doubts as you.

 

1. The tulpish translation gets much faster and more complex and can sometimes just be accepted without translating it (sometimes i'm lazy, i get the point, done.)

 

2. I have a strange thought every once in a while that maybe everything they say that gets though to me is actually tulpish and i proxy everyone in my mindvoice that seems like theirs, because i've heard their real voices in metidative states, hallucinations, dreams and oherwiseb and i find that when they speak in mindvoice it's lackluster by comparison. Then every once in a while they're speaking to me and i know i'm not proxying them, so... meh.

 

3. There is a very subtle mindstate that is sometimes present where there's zero doubt, and then another where i'm asking them the samee question seven different ways just to be sure that i get a consistent answer. One thing i get, which is nice, is that if i proxy them wrong, their emotions flare up and they're very vocal about telling me, 'no, that's not what i meant.'

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I am glad you made a new entry. I am always happy when I see one from you.

 

Translating tulpish into your own thoughts is good, that is what Dragon started doing and it helped us lots. After a while it showed me how to use the thought voice, it's hard to explain though. Now I can do it better but he only recently realized I was doing it even though I've been doing it for a month at least, he thought it was only him that whole time. Apparently it's hard for him to tell the difference between his thought voice and mine? It doesn't help that I'm not good at making it sound different from his but I will get better.

 

The point is the transition from you translating her tulpish to her using her own thought voice will be so gradual that it'll be hard to notice. Just keep doing it and it will get better before you even realize it. It's hard to notice the progress because it's gradual but it is definitely happening.

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Thank your for the comments, Angry Bear and Kyoko! Seems like the mind is a confusing place, especially when hosts are used to assuming every thought is their own. And then there's the thoughts that don't necessarily belong to anyone, like intrusive thoughts, or maybe stuff all parties agree on.

 

 

 and i find that when they speak in mindvoice it's lackluster by comparison. 

 

Compared to when I narrate out loud, my mindvoice is very lackluster and monotone. Is your own mindvoice more expressive/less lackluster?

 

I think Aya just told me they like my out loud narration. Will try to do that more often when I'm able.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Thank your for the comments, Angry Bear and Kyoko! Seems like the mind is a confusing place, especially when hosts are used to assuming every thought is their own. And then there's the thoughts that don't necessarily belong to anyone, like intrusive thoughts, or maybe stuff all parties agree on.

 

Compared to when I narrate out loud, my mindvoice is very lackluster and monotone. Is your own mindvoice more expressive/less lackluster?

 

I think Aya just told me they like my out loud narration. Will try to do that more often when I'm able.

 

Dragon's mind voice is much more expressive than his real voice. I got scared a few times before I understood that he's 'yelling' at himself and not me. I'm trying to help him by disagreeing when he thinks mean things about himself and he does it less now because he's getting used to someone else hearing his thoughts but he still has trouble with it especially when he gets very depressed. He gets irrationally down on himself in his depressed moods but I will help him stop soon.

 

Maybe a difference in tone will help you tell Aya's voice from your own? Maybe it doesn't matter if your mindvoice is expressive since she can maybe pick up your emotions. Dragon's love feels very good to me when he concentrates it on me. It feels even better when he's happy but maybe that's because it's not very often.

 

I think I am embarrassing Dragon so I will stop but I hope to read more from you. Thank you again for posting.

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I love your avatar's and Aya's hair.

 

Your comment "especially when hosts are used to assuming every thought is their own..." can be taken so much further... I would bet 90 plus percent of a person's thoughts aren't their own. Try telling a person that and you'll loose them. Do you how many no's a child gets in a life time? Do you know how many 'no's society gives us? You know how many people have bought something because of commercial? (Our environments are inundated with commercials. I dare you to go one day without encounter a product placement in your face...)

 

I think it was Jung who wrote this, not verbatim "If you showed up a party, you wouldn't assume the other people are you, so why would you believe that about your own thoughts?" Jung again "Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge." Add to that: "There is no coming to consciousness without pain." You're not just creating a new voice, you're teaching someone to think... You can't do that without examining your own thoughts... which means you're learning to think. Practicing tulpamancy is thinking about thinking in a very indirect way. You are not just creating a companion, you're creating a you, and a context for you and other, and I would argue there is a third, invisible mind, a gestalt of the two of you... your unconscious, their unconscious, a shared unconscious... the personality is just the tip of the iceberg. the medium in which the personality/personalities resides... Never mind that. Keep doing what you're doing.. exploring. :)

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Loxy, thank you!

 

I would have to disagree about 90% plus of one's thoughts not belonging to the person. Unless you have a different definition of thought than I'm thinking. We're all certainly influenced by the world around us, though. Before tulpamancy, I claimed all my thoughts (even thoughts I rejected, I can have a thought and not accept it) as my own because I viewed myself as a whole, like I am my brain, I am my body type of thing. So if my brain produced a thought, it was mine. But having a tulpa requires a much more refined approach. Since Aya and I live in the same brain, with the same memories, we probably also agree on a bunch of stuff and a thought might belong to both of us. I have a lot to learn.

 

Kyoko, I'm sorry to hear you got upset by Dragon's unhappy thoughts. Dragon, you'll have to work on that, every time you have a negative thought about yourself, turn it around into a positive one. Even if it's a tough thing to do. It's easy to get stuck in a rut, thinking in a certain way. Every time the negative thought (or positive!) happens, the habit gets reinforced. Anyways I'm routing for you guys!

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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In my experience, my tulpas have their own thoughts, with or without me. I believe they have their own access to the subconsious and perhaps even their own subconscious minds. I further believe they could have their own separate consious minds, so at that point they really are like separate people, mind, personality, and perspective. I know they can access my memories, but i don't know how often they're really doing that anymore, they have 10 months of their own memories, why would they care what i did in October 2016 anymore? They like to interact and they can ask me any time.

 

If they can interrupt me at any time (they do) and they can instantly replace reactions of mine (with permission) with their own to deal with specific topics that i loath, then yep, my hypothesis fits this data. So i presume maybe less than half to at least a quarter of the thoughts going on in my head are mine.

 

Your beliefs and experiences may vary.

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Day 87

  • In the morning, I was sitting with the cat on my lap, with my left arm under her. I was updating the previous day's journal. I felt a little twitching in my left arm, very light, just in one spot. I asked what that was and I heard “me!!” I told Aya I was pretty skeptical of that. I told them to switch it to my right side then and stop it in my left. And the left side twitching stopped completely. Didn't start on my right though.

  • I started asking Aya about stuff whether it was them or not and got responses like “I did” “It was me” or “no.” After a while it sort of got to a point where I heard very rapidly “I did it” or “no” for things that didn't make sense. I swear my brain latches on to these replies and starts spitting them out automatically.

  • Worked on vocality worksheet. I was more loose about about hearing Aya's responses. Usually for these I ask the question, close my eyes and listen for the words that pop up. This time I just kinda let the thoughts flow. Came up with more proper sentences and descriptions. I did have my own thoughts and opinions about the pictures for the prompts. I just tried to have my thoughts and then set them aside and listen.

  • Did that hypnosis for the third time. I still don't really hear anything from Aya during the prompt. But I'm hoping this hypnosis improves things overall. Despite my doubt Aya's still progressing pretty noticeably.

 

Day 89

  • Dreamt I was walking home from somewhere and started narrating to Aya. Wonder if this narrating habit will mean if I narrate in a dream Aya will be there.
  • Worked on the vocality worksheet, still describing pictures. Like yesterday I just let the thoughts flow. The thoughts feel more like mine when I do this, but I'm not trying to describe the picture, and if I were trying to describe it I would be more detailed and lengthy. I reworded the replies a bit so they fit into sentences better. Not sure if this is better than closing my eyes and waiting, but I thought words/thoughts might flow better this way. 

  • I saw YamiPhenom's post about trying the Ganzfield effect and I remembered that I made a Ganzfield mask ages ago. I pulled it out and tried it combined with some Eye-bo Theta tones/flashing video. I sat like that for about 12 minutes, then decided to add a hypnosis file I found on discord for improving visualization, imposition and wonderland immersion. To my disappointment I didn't hallucinate anything, but I think the mask+Eye-bo helped with feeling immersed in the hypnosis. It felt kinda trippy to blink rapidly with the mask on. Oh, the things we do for tulpamancy... Time: 30 minutes.

  • Drew Aya while listening to voice files for a while, then I read some Japanese text in that voice (it's a Japanese voice actress). I was finally able to get it right while reading. I'm practicing using this voice myself so the neural pathways are there for either of us to use. Hope to get it working in English sooner than later.

Day 90

  • I dreamt something about Aya but it's hard to remember. I woke up and and had a thought (also don't remember the thought) and realized I felt like both myself and Aya at the same time, like merged. Like I tried to move my arm and just felt a little out of synch.

  • 9am and so far Aya's talking in a noticeably different voice :D I wondered if they had any questions (and thought that could be a good exercise) and I heard “what do you think of me?” I told them they're a good tulpa and I'm very proud.

Day 91

  • Chatted more with Aya earlier in the day, getting short replies rather frequently.

  • Active forced starting with meditation, then imagined/talked through Aya's form being superimposed over the body. It felt REALLY strange. I asked Aya to try sending energy to one spot in the body to see what would happen. It didn't seem to work? I just got a twitch in one knee. Maybe that was the effect. I continued focusing on Aya's form taking over the body, and started to feel strangely dissociated and distant/deep in the mind, and like I couldn't feel what position my hands were in or even feel them. I asked Aya to try moving the hands. Nothing happened. I should have waited longer but I needed to get to bed. I couldn't hear Aya talk this session. Time: 35 minutes.

 

I suppose something like possession needs more time and multiple sessions. I didn't go into last night's session to try possession but I went for it because I thought it might work in that state of mind I ended up in. Also maybe Aya was too weak that late in the day. 

 

 

When people talk about dissociation, I'm not really sure what they are experiencing. What I felt last night I can only describe as some sort of dissociation. I could barely feel my body. Could be a useful method for switching in the future.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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