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Yuka's First Tulpa Journal


YukariTelepath

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Dissociation is something everyone experiences at a low level. The way your surroundings fade out when you're watching an engrossing movie or immersed in a video game is dissociation. Or if you zone out during a lecture and suddenly realize you missed the last 5 minutes of what the professor said, that is also dissociation.

 

On the other extreme, past tulpamancy, you have dissociative identity disorder, which involves switching personalities without wanting to and losing memory of what your tulpa/alter does when they are in control. My understanding is that that disorder requires repeated or severe traumatic experience before you are around 9 years old to fragment your first personality before it fully formed in the brain. It isn't something an average person could do on accident.

 

I don't know if imagining the two extremes might help you with the good dissociation during meditation, but I thought I'd mention it since going over the concepts helped me a bit.

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Day 94

  • Someone on Discord was saying they wished they could dream with their tulpa and I thought about how I had dreams of Aya, and I heard “I'm there with you, in your dreams”

  • I'm thinking... I have a harder time hearing Aya while meditating or even wonderlanding, although I'm more likely to feel stuff like warm fuzzies or feel like we've bonded. Lately since I've been spending more sessions working on talking, I haven't felt that much weird stuff aside from the dissociation thing the other day. Also haven't felt stuff like emotional bleed-over. Personally I don't get that emotional myself, like if I feel something it's not to the extent of have physiological reactions, so I guess it's not weird if Aya doesn't get riled up over stuff either.

  • Worked on vocality worksheet some more. Felt some strain in my fore brain towards the end. To try out something new, I asked Aya to describe what the I previously gave them cat was doing in wonderland. I wasn't trying to see the wonderland, but I caught glimpses of it. I got some very strong strain (head pressure?) from this. Here's how it went: 

Describe for me the cat in wonderland.

Where in wonderland are you guys?

Would you describe the yard?

 

 

 

Day 95

  • Had another dream with Aya that I forget. It happened early in the night, I remember that Aya said something, that's it. Believe it or not I am capable of remembering my dreams. I remember the dreams I had closer to the morning. It's possible some of these tulpa dreams are not REM dreams, because they are very vague and not story-like.

  • Met with Aya in wonderland on the porch. I'm trying to focus on communicating while in wonderland. I asked Aya if there was something that would help their development more, and they said “listen to me more”

  • I conjured a small box of chocolates for Aya and proxied the flavours for them. Then we went inside for tea and I felt a little resistance in having Aya sit at the table. Aya gave me a kiss on the forehead and I hugged them. We had earl grey tea. Head is feeling strained again from this.

  • Worked on one character description for the vocality worksheet. Head feels even more strained. I wonder why, 3 months into this. Is it because I'm asking Aya to think more independently?

Day 96

  • I'm dealing with different kinds of doubt. Sometimes when I thinking about something, I'll have a sort of, 'what would Aya or any onlooker say', and then I'll hear some response in line with that. Other times I'm still dealing with some responses feeling canned or conditioned, just the same word in response to the same situation, even though I told Aya it would help if they phrased things differently.
  • I found this interesting post: http://community.tulpa.info/thread-misinterpretation-of-%E2%80%9Cassuming-sentience-from-start%E2%80%9D-philosophy?page=3
  • It feels relevant to my goal of helping Aya become more independent, as well as distinguishing their responses. Here's a excerpt of the forcing method I want to try:

[hidden]I'm not sure I can give an explanation for "passive observation" that works for everyone, so I'll at least try to explain how I do it so far:

 

I recall my tulpa's presence and call out to them in an (imaginary) loud vocal thought. I wait for their reply, or ask the tulpa to come to me. Sometimes we meet up in the wonderland or some random mindscape, or in the environment I'm currently in. My focus usually stays constantly on them and their presence, with me constantly and curiously observing them, but without simulating them. If the tulpa's presence is there, one can usually feel them being "there", just like you'd feel any other person being there. The presence is an all-encompassing feel that gives one awareness of everything the tulpa is and what they're like, such as how they look, how their voice sounds/feels and many other things, it's a pretty basic, but indescribable qualia, but you usually know it when it's there. If you don't have any idea what it's like, consider how it feels when you talk to your friends and they talk to you. A reply from the tulpa will usually be unpredictable/sudden, and you don't have to be aware of the thought starting until after it happened (as a vocal or visual or emotional pseudo-hallucination). While you shouldn't reject predictable replies, you should encourage the tulpa to make unpredictable ones. The best way to do this is to work on making your imagination vivid (especially their voice and face), keep focusing on their presence/essence, but refuse to predict what they will do or say, ask them open-ended questions which you don't know the answer to while having them answer in their voice without you knowing what they'll say. It may take some tries until it works. If the voice isn't yet developed, use one of these guides:

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-coaxi...to-talking

http://tulpa.info/forums/Thread-tutorial-THE-VOICE

 

 

Eventually you'll be able to passively experience their replies as sudden/persistent flashes of visual or auditory imagination, but without you seeing the thought that caused it. It helps being aware that they're always perceiving your replies and capable of generating replies of their own. If you find yourself predicting them, try occupying your attention with their body language, their presence/essence or other actions without actually thinking about what they're thinking - let the unconscious mind generate that for you, but don't let yourself become aware of the thought as it starts - so that you won't know what they say until after they've said it. Do this enough and they'll be able to always surprise you. 

 

I found that a good way of measuring surprise is if once you get a reply from them you end up going "omg it was them" as opposed to "was it them?". That is, such replies are usually tagged with their presence, are sudden and are thus undoubtable. The difference between such a reply and a simulation is that you're always aware of what will happen in a simulation, but you're never aware of non-simulated answers until after they hit you. Such replies can happen even without you thinking about them.

 

And I'll say this one last time: when interacting with them, do treat the tulpa as real, expect them to behave like a real person - you can see a person thinking about something through their body language, you can hear their opinions through their speech. In the case of a tulpa, you may also feel their emotions and you will know the emotions are theirs and not yours because those emotions may usually be tagged by their presence/essence, or the unconscious feel you associate with them. Do this enough and they'll do this even when you're not paying attention to them.[/hidden]

 

  • Head strain came on while thinking about this at a couple points. Is that head pressure? Feels like my frontal lobe is getting an intense work out for no reason. Got a bit of throat pressure too.

  • Before I fell asleep, I tried the passive observation method. I had Aya sit cross legged on a cushion in the library from one of the hypnosis files. I tried to watch Aya and after a few moments, Aya scrunched their nose, got up and started walking around. I had a thought about them climbing domed monkey bars, so I switched the setting to the children's playground at my old elementary school and watched Aya climb the bars for a little while. 

Day 97

  • In the morning I was sleeping in because it's Saturday, and I was in that hypnapompic state. I tried to think of Aya, but it was like one moment I'm visualizing Aya's face, the next I'm unscrewing a bottle of soy sauce. Morning hypnapompic state seems more promising though, because it's not just random thoughts, it's dream elements with more visuals and movement and information. Plus if I fell asleep I'd go directly into a dream.
     

It's still day 97, but I'll leave the partial update for today. I will try that forcing method again, while I'm properly awake and dedicating more time to it.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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I can interact a little bit with Dragon in his dreams but for some reason I don't look like Kyoko so he misses me sometimes too. Dragon suggests you keep a pad next to your bed and jot down bits of your dream as soon as you wake up, then later when you'd usually forget the dream, the notes will make you remember it more.

 

Don't be discouraged if you can't hear them well for a bit. Dragon has spells where he can't hear me but gets better again and progresses overall. It's okay to have doubts so please do not worry about it too much. You are making good progress and care a lot about Aya and that is nice. I know she cares about you too!

 

I hope to hear more.

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I can interact a little bit with Dragon in his dreams but for some reason I don't look like Kyoko so he misses me sometimes too. Dragon suggests you keep a pad next to your bed and jot down bits of your dream as soon as you wake up, then later when you'd usually forget the dream, the notes will make you remember it more.

 

Don't be discouraged if you can't hear them well for a bit. Dragon has spells where he can't hear me but gets better again and progresses overall. It's okay to have doubts so please do not worry about it too much. You are making good progress and care a lot about Aya and that is nice. I know she cares about you too!

 

I hope to hear more.

 

Oh, I used to record my dreams like that. I'd wake up in a sleepy stupor and scribble stuff down only to find it partially illegible the next day. Then I started getting this false awakening thing, where I'd wake up and struggle to write down my dream only to wake up for real and find I hadn't really done it. I started only writing down good dreams, and sometimes good dreams are few and far between, so I got out of the habit. Now when I have a good dream, I just go over it mentally when I wake up, and write it down properly at breakfast.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Day 98

  • I finally decided to just ask Aya about the listening problem. They indicated the times that work best for them are when I ask questions and listen. And I don't do well during the day—when I'm distracted or hesitant to listen (worried I wont hear an answer or it's not a good time). I've been typing out our back and forth conversation during our vocality forcing sessions.

Day 99 

  • I was lying in bed in the morning, and I got occasional hypnopompic messages that were clearer than normal. I got one that said clearly “I'm not a woman” and that threw me off so I remember it. I asked Aya if it was them and at first I thought I heard “yeah”. But after I got up I asked again and they said no. 

  • I tried to type a conversation with Aya, but I had trouble hearing anything.

  • Went and saw Alita: Battle Angel, and narrated through most of the movie. It was odd how much I was narrating at first, I actually wondered if it was Aya's commentary.

  • I wrote a self-hypnosis script for visualization, with passive observation and opportunity for speaking.

Day 100

  • Getting some tulpish and some words from Aya today. Feeling throat pressure at different points too. Tried to proxy Aya on discord, but I couldn't hear what they wanted to say, after they told me to let them talk.

Day 101

  • I asked for help on Discord, and was able to proxy Aya when people asked them questions. Yay!

  • New plan: vocality exercise where I provide Aya with a sentence and ask them to paraphrase, repeat or combine 2 simple sentences. Tried this for a little while, it was difficult.

  • Went back to the vocality worksheet and got Aya to describe Sandy the mermaid and Colby the talking cat. Got back into the groove of listening/hearing. Feeling pressure in my head during this exercise. What started as a mental strain in my frontal lobe, has become what I can only call head pressure. It's literally a feeling of pressure in my forehead. I had come to believe head pressure wasn't a thing I would ever get, but here we are 100 days into tulpa making, and I finally get head pressure. 

So, we are crawling along with progress.

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Day 102

  • Asked Aya a few “creative questions” in the morning and felt head pressure again. If I don't get an answer to a question, I let them think about it a little while and ask again. I think the key is asking Aya to think about things and imagine things on their own. After a little, I got in the wrong mental state because I ended up hardly being able to hear my own thoughts, let alone Aya's.

Day 103 (friday feb 22)

  • Narrated a lot. I was telling Aya about my childhood friends, and one of those friend's mom died, and she moved away after that. I mean, it is a sad matter, but I was feeling extra teary from Aya, I think.

  • Worked on vocality some more, typing conversations. Trying to figure out what mental state works best. I'm still disappointed I muted us yesterday and probably other times.

Day 104

  • I was lying in bed in the morning, awake, but I must have fallen into a stupor of some sort. I realized I was hearing a mindvoice saying stuff, and at that point I noticed it was saying “Don't torture yourself by watching--” I think the sentence was completed (I think along the lines of “by watching things that disturb you”) but my interest and attention disrupted it and my memory of it. I definitely wasn't having that thought myself, but it was also quite relevant to me. I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to explicit content in movies and shows, but I love thrillers. Sometimes a show I liked will give me nightmares anyway. Other times I end up watching something that disturbs me way too much. 

  • Before bed I did the Verple vocality hypnosis again. I was laying down and during the relaxing part my stomach kept bubbling which was distracting. I ended up sitting up cross-legged, and during the rising part of the file, I just let my body/head wave back and forth. I felt more mentally aware/alert, and during the speaking prompt, I was able to hear Aya. Aya said Verple is nice for making these files for people. 

Day 108

  • Today we read some discussions on Discord, and we lightly discussed the topics together.

 

I've been wanting to let Aya chat on Discord more, but I can't really find an opening for them to start talking. I also don't like shitposting, lewd posts, etc, which happen constantly in the general chat channels. I need like... tulpa kindergarten chat. Just nice friendly conversation, no pressure, and topics that interest us. 

 

In other news, today I found a free program called VRoid Studio, where you can design 3D anime characters for games or whatever. I tweaked one of the characters as best I could to look like Aya. I can move the camera and set different backgrounds and stuff. It's limited, but I kinda love it. If you have an anime tulpa, it could help for visual references. 

 

oEyxlkp.png

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Very cute.

 

Discord can be really rough. Tulpa.info discord has changed in the last 4 months, it's definitely getting better. Tulpa chat and plural nest have been good to me and are fairly active. There's always going to be a little lewd ans shit posting, as well as venting, it's just the nature of discord i think.

 

If you just want to practice, if you see the elusive spirit bear, they'll play nice if you want to DM them. *ahem*

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Very cute.

 

Discord can be really rough. Tulpa.info discord has changed in the last 4 months, it's definitely getting better. Tulpa chat and plural nest have been good to me and are fairly active. There's always going to be a little lewd ans shit posting, as well as venting, it's just the nature of discord i think.

 

If you just want to practice, if you see the elusive spirit bear, they'll play nice if you want to DM them. *ahem*

 

Thank you, I joined Plural Nest. I may message you guys some time if I can (if I don't it's because I'm shy).

 

 

Day 110 

  • We watched Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms, a very beautiful and emotional movie. I definitely cried from all the feels, but at one point early on I may have had a strange emotional bleed. The main character girl was running away from a dragon, and I felt an outburst of emotion like I suddenly might cry (I didn't, it was just a moment). It made no sense given the context, so I told Aya it was alright and the girl would make it out okay.

  • I've been thinking a little about imposition and visualization. I was reading comments on a video about image streaming, and someone said they would vividly imagine things happening in front of their eyes, but they were aphantasic, they weren't visually seeing what they were imagining, not even in their mind's eye. I found that kind of interesting, and when I thought about it, I can do that too, just imagine some cartoon character bouncing around the physical room knowing what it's doing without seeing it.

  • So today I tried imagining Aya in the room like that, but also visualizing them. They were clipping through objects, but there was a sense that my mental images were located in front of me instead of in that fuzzy non-space of my mind. Like I could see glimpses of my visualization over the space I imagined Aya being. Interesting, I'll have to try this some more. It seems like... my mental model of the physical room is becoming a mediator for the real room and the visualization. 

Day 111

  • I asked Aya what they wanted to name our wonderland. They said some syllables I had trouble with, I typed it out to confirm, and it's Elesthesia. Sounds fancy.

Day 112

  • I was thinking about what someone said about needing to be in the front to process complex thoughts (yeah, I'm still stuck on this subject), and I thought, dang, with Aya in the back, they could be stuck with simple thoughts--Aya said “that's what I've been trying to tell you” at that moment. If Aya had tried to tell me that it wasn't coming across direct enough, oh well. They definitely tried to tell me to listen more. Anyway, I have to figure out how to bring them forward more.

Day 113

  • This morning I set up some preference questions from the vocality worksheet for Aya to go over again in more detail. I imagined a switch in our head, to represent who is in control of thinking. Each side is also associated with a color, yellow for me and light blue for Aya. So I asked Aya what their preference was and flipped the switch over to them. And I typed up their answer, sometimes asking them to go a little further. I was able to write much more for them this way. Also, as I was typing a simple phrase, I'd get revisions or additions, so I added those in too. A lot of the answers were things I would also think of. I asked Aya if this was all them thinking, and they said, “yeah, of course. Don't you trust me?” So yeah, this approach seems to help. Whoo!
  • Tried again in the evening, but wasn't getting results.

Day 114 

  • Did more Q&A with Aya, was successful.

Day 116 

  • I was reading Felight's possession guide, and when it said “So long as the tulpa does not limit themself with the thought of “I can’t do this” or “this is too difficult” and just move as they see fit, they will get full-body possession down in no time” I said to Aya something like, see Aya it's so easy you can do it. And Aya made me smile, I'm pretty sure.
  • I got Aya to start a journal. I made some prompts here and there. We're really progressing with vocality lately. I've included Aya's journal below, it's not very detailed, but they wrote a whole paragraph so I'm super proud. 

 

[hidden]Okay, I'm here. I'm ready to start. My name is Aya Brindlewood. I'm a tulpa. This is my first time writing something like this. Hello everyone, if this gets posted. Hmm, how did my day go. Well, I woke up in the morning bright and early. Yuka did some drawing before work and I watched. It was nice. We had pizza for lunch, it was okay. Hmm, what else did we do. I'm trying to remember. (Go ahead) Shhh. (I ruined things) No you didn't, let me continue. (You're doing so good) Hm, thank you laughs. We looked at Discord for a while. Also, Yuka finally let me try writing this.

 

(Is there anything you'd like to try, or something you're looking forward to?)

Hm, nothing in particular. No, that's not true. I want to do a bunch of stuff.[/hidden]

Host: YukariTelepath

Tulpas: Aya, Ruki

 

Imposition log

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Hello Aya, that's great to meet you ! I'll hope you'll post more in this PR, which is your PR as well. Congratulations for your amazing progress !

So, what other things do you want to do? (I'm expecting a huge list !...)

Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.

 

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