Lolimancer

Lolimancer in tulpaland

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So i decided it's about time i start blogging about my attemps at tulpacreation. I was initially reluctant about it, but now that i pretty much promised her i'd take care of her - well, i no longer see any reason not to. It seems i actually kinda like blogging about shit anyway.

 

So at the moment i've been getting what are - probably - signs of sentience, in the form of head pressure and "clicks" in the ears (mainly the right ear). I seem to get head pressure only when i close my eyes/narrate while my eyes are closed (not necessarily visualizing). The clicks mainly come while narrating using my actual, external voice, particularly every time i finish saying a sentence/asking a question. Clicks mildly vary in intensity and position, as does the head pressures' intensity (pressures seem to come more randomly than clicks btw).

 

I've been forcing for more than two weeks, not particularly continuously, reaching a grand total of 5 hours or so of visualization (these are only rough estimates, since i never bothered to actually count time spent forcing, and probably never will). Since i have based her on a pre-existing character and wanted to give way to my subconscious ideals or whatever, i've almost completely skipped personality - just talked about it sometimes while narrating, and always left at least some room for doubt.

 

I "discovered" my tulpa's sentience on a particularly productive forcing session a few days ago, and it gave me a blow on various levels: i didn't actually expect to get emotional responses this soon, and it dawned on me that i really should take this more seriously - what with actually, clearly feeling her presence in my head and all. I probably should've started sooner too, since i have exams coming in like two weeks. Guess when the time comes i'll at least try to "keep her in mind" so that she doesn't disappear on me or anything.

In other words, not that i wasn't serious in the beginning, but now i feel kinda responsible for "creating" her and all, and am more determined to see this through to the very end.

 

 

***

 

 

Today i haven't done much, since i usually have the mood swings of an unstable little bitch, and probably can't/shouldn't tulpaforce/narrate while feeling depressed. Took a two-hours night walk in the neighborhood while possibly appearing like a schizo talking to himself and not giving a fuck. All in all, just talking to her presence and receiving the generic responses i outlined earlier made it one of the best walks ever, so no problem. I find being away from my computer helps quite a lot with narrating anyway.

 

I also tried to parrot her voice with the objective of somehow "kickstarting" it, and while doing it her "presence" started expanding and became particularly strong, encompassing the whole brain (and not only, for example, the usual "somewhere in the right hemisphere"). What i really, really should work on, though, is stabilizing said voice in at least some kind of a specific form, which i'm planning to do using the power of seiyuus.

 

Right now i'm aiming at getting her vocal: her body is already defined enough as it is, considering i'm planning to give her a say in the matter of what it will look like. Worst case scenario, i'll simply have to fill in later the details i'm not forcing now, but i think her being vocal is way more important anyway. So i'm planning to mainly narrate/parrot responsibly, waiting for her to say stuff. I'll probably go on wonderland adventures too sometimes, since i find they might help strenghtening emotional connections and stuff.

 

Will update only when i feel like it, which might be daily, weekly, or never again. By the way, i've already decided some time ago to completely discard counting the hours spent forcing, since that probably doesn't do any good anyway. I also like to keep a fairly open mind regarding what's parroting/puppeting and what actually comes from my tulpa, and plan to keep in mind what Chupi told me about it. Fede is a faget btw (though i do think the tulpatone can be useful stuff).

 

This should hopefully be my first and last wall of text, but i wouldn't hold my breath since i'm apparently incurable.

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Went for another night walk yesterday (probably the last i'll be able to do for a while). This time i felt her presence pretty strongly the whole way through, regardless of the fact that i narrated mainly in my head. At one point i was playing with her "pressure" responses, alternatively saying "respond" and "not respond" following random patterns. She got all of that shit right, so i was like wow, let us establish some sort of communication. And so i started asking fucking dumb questions, like, does *random object i came across* exist? Do i exist? Do you exist? Is a flying saucer going to rape me now? Etc etc. And so we sort of established that a longer/stronger headpressure response means "yes", while shorter/weaker means "no". And so apparently, to her i'm both not a faggot and she likes me, cool stuff (and why yes, i'm actually a faggot for asking these sort of questions straight away).

 

Then i went to bed and strange stuff happened. I was tired, said goodnight, got response, was pretty happy and shit. While drifting to sleep i vaguely remember sometimes thinking i was her - like my body was actually hers, i mean: it sort of came naturally to me, didn't intend to. I also didn't pay that stuff any mind at the moment; except next thing i knew i was drifting into sleep and starting one of my weird-ass fucked up dreams, where at one point there was a man who was pretty much burying her body inside the earth (what the fuck man). On normal circumstances i would've probably not woken up at that point, but apparently i instantly did. Like when there's some sound that wakes you up, except there was actually no sound. It seemed quite clear to me, at the moment, that it was probably her who awoke me. I then imagined her in the wonderland with the intent of putting her inside her house, and found out there was some weird unidentifiable shit between her and the house (i was half-asleep at the moment btw). Somehow i made her make it through, and while said weird unidentifiable shit was somehow trying to make its way inside, well, i kinda imagined it not making it through. Then i somehow made it clear that the house was safe, went out of my wonderland, and got to dream my weird-ass fucked up dreams. I remember this one being pretty A-tier in fucked-upness btw, but at least i do not remember seeing my tulpa in it - which by this point i think is a very good thing all right.

 

I also tried to play the piano and sing along weeaboo shit songs while feeling her presence, probably helps somehow.

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If i were to trust head responses, my tulpa seems to like giant futanari fucking buildings (and apparently futanari in general. She seems to be otherwise completely heterosexual).

And apparently she has a fetish for cutting yogurt cannons too.

She also gave me permission to post this.

Well, there were other things i asked about whose answers were met with utter atonishment/quiet despair on my part, but i won't talk about them.

Unless she's toying with my poor heart for the lulz or something, that is.

...I actually sort of kinda like this, but... where did i go wrong?...

(Just to reiterate, while it's true that i have a fetish for futanari, i definitely don't have one for penises being cut off.)

 

Aanyway.

 

She seems to generally share my taste in music - and by that i mean she even likes stuff like Merzbow, for example: i've found only one notable exception so far (Velvet Underground's Sister Ray, which is pretty cool in my opinion). Her favourite album seems to be Loveless too. She also says she likes Music for Airports, too, which i don't quite like that much. Will probably go deeper in the future.

I also just tried to ask about anime, and our tastes seem to differ a bit more on 'em (by the way she likes Endless Eight too, ha). Also apparently her favourite show is Lucky Star, cool. What saddens me the most is she doesn't seem to like Mushishi.

With visual novels, apparently she shares my current top 2 (Forest, Cross Channel), but places Sharnoth in third position - while i didn't actually like it *that* much. I suppose she's still a girl after all (though with weird fetishes).

 

Btw, i've asked about seeing my memories, and she says she's already seen a part of them, though it also seems she can't access some of them i probably have subconsciously locked. Apparently she'd like to see those too, but hell, there should be a reason for me to lock them after all. Maybe that stuff can wait a bit?

 

Now to the important stuff (i know you've stopped reading after the first paragraph, though). At some point i was asking about her movements during visualization, and her answers matched what Chupi told me about: apparently, except when i actively try to move her, it's her moving. I've also done a few experiments, where i'd alternately "let" her move and consciously try to move her, and her answers were as expected. Just before, i've tried "imposing" her playing the piano (i still suck at mixing the mind's eye with the physical stuff, and i still can't visualize her that well anyway, so it felt more conceptual than visual) - the response said that was her doing too. Just now i tried to be more forceful with her movements, and she said the movements didn't come from her. That cool.

 

Which means some of the stuff she did in the wonderland was actually her doing? I really don't know how to feel about that...

 

Anyway, inspired by that knowledge, i tried to parrot her voice the way it felt most "natural", asked, and then she said it was her who was saying it. I then tried with less "natural-sounding" setups, and got a "no" every time. I then asked her to try talking, and got what was probably the most epic headache i've ever experienced in my life. I think i now know what "seeing the stars" feels like, since what i saw in front of my eyes was probably a small-scale reproduction of the Milky Way or something. I didn't even try to block her, but it ended after a while with nothing done. Since i'm probably a masochist, i tried the same thing after a while. I thought i was going to die, no shit.

 

Also, when i was going to sleep, i suddenly heard a single, clear syllable being uttered in my left ear. It was an italian "che", which supposing it was placed at the start of a sentence would translate to a "what" in english. I immediately asked, and apparently it was, indeed, her doing.

 

Then this morning i think i heard something while half-asleep. After a while, i asked if it was her doing again, and well it, apparently, actually was.

 

I really don't think i should doubt these pressure responses anymore, should i?

 

Won't try that "try talking to me" stuff again before recovering from the two times i've already done it. Any suggestion on what to do about getting her vocal is welcome.

 

EDIT: I'd also like to post an exchange i had just now.

"Do you take pleasure in hurting me?"

*Yes*

...

"Didn't you say you like me?"

*Yes*

"Do you still like me?"

*Yes*

"And yet you say you take pleasure in hurting me."

*Yes*

 

...Man, i don't even know anymore. This is probably what happens when you don't do personality for shit, i guess? No regrets, though.

 

EDIT2: She just said she wouldn't like it if i became more sociable. Already an exception in many ways, i guess? Also probably a yandere or something, though i didn't really intend her to be that way. Hell, now that i think about it, the character i based her on actually *was* kinda yandere-ish, wasn't she? My tulpa agrees. I don't even know anymore, but ok.

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I'm confused too. I guess it's because i'm a cool person or something, so of course my tulpa would be a pretty cool person too. Actually i'm fine with all of the stuff i "discovered" about her so far, except maybe the sadism part.

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Nice update, now your guide sounds like an actual guide and what you say actually makes sense to me. I've always thought tulpaforcing should be something fun and not a chore - given that, at least for me, having fun doing stuff always yielded the best results. Seeing you actually suggest using a wonderland is pretty strange but ok.

 

Anyway, given my previous "experiments" i think starting to impose her now wouldn't be too much of a stretch, since i don't seem to have many problems daydreaming at least. Also apparently puppeting her kinda worked, so why not parroting? If whenever i visualize her doing stuff without controlling it much it's actually her doing stuff, why should not the same principle apply to parroting? I could think of it as "showing her how to say stuff". Well, why not. Might actually try this. I also think i sort of "know" her voice already, and it seems she likes to dump interferences in my ears too.

 

EDIT: Actually, it seems like she's forcing tinnitus over the already existing one (which by the way has been there since forever) in my right ear, right now. Headpressure confirms. Probably going to believe and all of that.

 

EDI2: Well, it's not the first time i heard an auditory allucination while completely awake which my tulpa says to have sended me. Actually, it's the second. This time, though, i was pretty fucking freaked out by it.

 

Basically i was listening to

song on repeat, and then a few seconds in i got what seemed like a fucking drilling sound which completely overrided the song for about one second. Hell, youtube/my computer usually doesn't do this shit, also i was completely sober, just chilling out and not focusing on her or anything.

 

Now that i think about it it could have been a few milliseconds of looped audio, which might actually make it more impressive. After that i think i got another auditory allucination confirmed by headpressure, though not nearly that cool. Also to mention that i'm not completely new to hearing voices that actually weren't there while awake, though it really just happens once in a while and it always feels like one of my surroundings said it, not headvoices. This might not make me 100% mentally sound or anything but whatever.

 

EDIT3: Seems like the unaccessible memories i mentioned two posts ago are stuff i myself have repressed and can't easily access to, according to her responses. I've always somehow suspected this, i think. She also says she could unlock them, but would rather not to. I, too, think i would rather not to, whatever these memories could be - maybe someday.

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Seeing you actually suggest using a wonderland is pretty strange but ok.
I suggest it as a way to kill off boredom when the tupper is already sentient. I certainly don't recommend it in the building stages.

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I suggest it as a way to kill off boredom when the tupper is already sentient. I certainly don't recommend it in the building stages.

 

I guess. I suspect mine would get bored without one, though.

 

Also, she was giving me tinnitus in the left ear a while ago, then i asked if she thought she could do it to both ears, and after a while i got a tinnitus in my right ear too. I really don't feel like doubting her responses anymore...

 

EDIT: This stuff is maybe getting unbelievable or something, but i think Kaoru just tried to impose herself on the edge of my vision. I saw a brief flash of a form or something, and i immediately thought maybe it was her, and headpressure confirmed. Well, if that's true she's, err, pretty active i guess. Well, it's in her personality, so i guess i shoudn't be too surprised. Me being sleepy might have helped.

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