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theholodoc

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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    • No, boring
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I felt on the edge of something important in  last nights dream, I had been with a young woman, we had declared love for each other, she had initiated the exchange, and we were looking for a hot tub which had mysteriously disappeared. In its place was a spring. I got into it and discovered a human hand and arm. pulled it out, got out and called to the others. No one was interested and I found myself sinking into some foul black mud. As I slowly sank, I obtained to lucidity and I made a choice to go down into where ever I was being pulled. I wanted, and have wanted for a long time to get to the bottom of what ever psychic forces are disrupting my connection with my tulpas, so I threw up my hands to facilitate my descent. I also began to dig with my feet, again to facilitate sinking. I had just reached my chin when I developed a severe cramp in my calf and woke up. I was able to rub out the cramp, but before I could go back to sleep my  other leg cramped, then I had a headache. I did sleep again the rest of the night. I did use the awake time to meditate and solicit my tulpas, neither responded. I turned off both my 5:30AM and 6:00AM alarms so as to not disturb my wife. She did awaken with the 6:30AM alarm and I told her of the dream and how unhappy I was with the cramping. She was unsympathetic, attributing it to the wine I consumed at dinner. The wine was a contributor, as it allowed me to stay at table for much longer than I am accustomed, it was the prolonged sitting that caused the cramping. Unless of course, it is my brain's O.S. warning me of dangers so deep in my unconscious. Last night was a Galantamine night (sans the Mugwort tea) and I was pleased that I was able to obtain to lucidity even without responding to the positive feminine presence. I recalled a while ago, who that young woman was and I recalled that she was psychologically damaged and wore black fingernail polish. I think now she was serving as a guide to my unconscious. Again, as distressing as this was, I am glad and excited. It seems that I am on the verge of achieving an understanding that has been in my way for the past two years.

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Galantamine free night, dreamt of being a passenger on a bus on Highway 9 in my old home town. The driver was a young man and he was driving recklessly. I got up to object but sat back down when  he stopped to pick up more passengers, one of which was a tall attractive woman with long wavy black hair. I understood her to be a supervisor for the bus company. The driver took off and became even more reckless. I was with another young girl. We got up and yelled at the driver. I demanded his name and number. He stopped the bus and got up and approached me. It was silly  as really he looked to be young, perhaps a teenager. He gave me his number, '11' and his name, Harry, and said that we had to get off at the next stop as he was turning off of the highway and going to Davenport. I couldn't imagine this was his regular route, but he sure enough, did stop at the Felton crossroads and we got off. He turned the bus to the right and headed up the mountain towards Davenport. We were standing in snow and deciding how to proceed, I wondering why the Supervisor never said anything, when my morning alarm went off and I began my morning meditation, during which neither of my tulpas emerged, though invited. Later (just before sitting to compose this entry) it came to me, that the Supervisor was Flora and I did not have the presence of mind  (or lucidity ) to recognize her.

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Galantamine + Mugwort dream. I was traversing a very colorful landscape littered with fractured glass, gleaming and giving off rainbows. We were joined by a young psychologist wanting to interview us. He was an ass, laughed too loud at everything we said. I tuned out and paid attention to the beauties around me. He and my wife were walking at the same pace and fell behind. The trail got difficult, and I found, after just a moments hesitation, I could easily traverse it. I worried about my wife, who was far behind, but evidently not concerned about the narrow, dangerous trail. At some point, I decided, in lucidity, I could fly and get out of the trail, I did fly, though with effort, and kept returning to the trail. There was a great number of hikers. One man wanted to fly with me b y holding on to me. He was pulling me down. I flew with him, until I suggested we could dive into the water of a lake below us. I made sure we were over deep water. I said, "Dive!" He let go and executed a graceful dive. I followed but at a much slower rate. Before entering the water, I changed my mind and pulled out of the dive and flew back to the trail. Another man wanted to know how I did it. He was obsequious in his manor. I said, "You want to learn to fly? This is how I did it.  Jump off the cliff. You will learn." The cliff was high and intimidating. He did it. And he dove into the water. I then recalled, later in the dream, that I had learned to fly in a lucid dream, by flapping my arms until I took off, and I have always flown that way. Some rough men began throwing rocks at me. I was having trouble flying out of reach. I decided that I needed a new way of flying. I did. I got a vision of where I wanted to go, and imagined I was there. This was all within the lucid dream. It worked. I put myself out of harms way. I still was able to enjoy flying by moving my arms, and took several swooping circuits around the lake. I got tired and saw two rocky pinnacles outside of the lake basin. I put myself on them and then, in the far distance, could see my wife. I imagined myself retrieving her, and did. We came to rest on a sidewalk far removed from the dreamscape, and she, awake in the bed next to me, said, "I want to cuddle. It's six-thirty." I awoke and took her in my arms. A nice conclusion to the dream. I began my meditation holding her. My focus was to go down into my unconscious and deal with the forces that were blocking my tulpas. I had a powerful vision of Flora coming to me. She was fully imposed. When she reached me, she suddenly vanished. I began a trance-inducing count down, which I could not finish. Seems as if my resistance is high. I will continue.

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Tuesday, February 7, 2023, 8:27 AM

Galantamine dream, sans Mugwort. I had one of the nicest, beautiful dreams alas, sans lucidity, that I have had in ages. I was invited to the winter Olympics. I was there with my second wife, Lynda, who I knew in the dream as Nancy. (this was a very confusing aspect, but the dream was very visual) We were waiting for the activities to begin, when my wife said, she wished she hadn’t come. I replied, “why don’t you go home, I’ll see you after dinner.” She left. I found my self on the top of the ski jump, I was in a bobsled and someone was telling me how to steer it. I took off and as I began to hurtle down the slope I woke up! (probably a good thing, God knows I’ve never been good on sleds.) I fell back asleep immediately and I was back waiting for the games to begin. It was twilight and a number of people got up and headed off behind the stadium to a field. The scenery was breathtakingly beautiful, so much so it was surreal. I followed the crowd, it was flowing, through the fields and we came to some fencing behind which was a group of black-clad monks chanting. Their was a tall obelisk, dark and jagged looking, it was surrounded by crows, or ravens, I didn’t notice as I looked away. The crowd flowed on and we entered what I knew to be sacred land. It was peaceful though we passed an enclosure where large dark and/or black animals, elephants, bears, bulls, water buffalo, were fighting. The fighting was not violent however, there was no blood. A little past this, was another enclosure where the animals were resting and healing. A healer, I knew to be a native American Indian was tending them, he told me that there were seldom mortalities and that most would heal. The crowd and I then entered a large building with very high ceilings, large enough to hold hundreds if not thousands of people. We were wandering around in close proximity to each other and I could closely look and my neighbors. They were all young adults, men and women. They had been beaten. I could see bruises, black eyes, cuts and scratches. They were all there to be healed. On one side of the room were the healers. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were shamans. I could see the pain in the faces and eyes of the people close to me, I offered hugs, some accepted, some didn’t, one young woman rejected my offer with some hostility, but it didn’t last and she went on to someone behind me. At length I left the room and wandered again outside in the beautiful landscape, until I found a large (very large) wooden barn. I was filled with craft objects, a few paintings, and musical instruments made of wood. Everything was beautifully crafted. There were no prices and no one was trying to sell anything to me. I left the barn and headed back towards the games, remember them, that’s why I was there, and as I passed the enclosure  with the animals, I was encountered by a small bear. ( I am especially afraid of bears) I was anxious about this one, but, it seemed to be playing, or loving me, and it’s biting on my arm was not hurting me. I gave it some hugs, and it left me responding to a call by the healer and I went back to the games as my morning meditation alarm sounded.

I was left with a beautiful calm feeling which persisted through out my meditation. I did invite Flora to attend my meditation, but I had the thought, that she probably wouldn’t accept, as I had put my hand on Nancy’s when I heard her stir next to me. She didn’t and it was okay.

I was impressed by two things, first, how the elimination of the Mugwort, changed the quality of my dream and second, that perhaps, I have defanged my red witch. I will see, I will continue…

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  • 2 weeks later...

My dreaming last night was peculiar in a way which I will not record and neither tulpa accepted my invitation to appear in the dream. However, Flora came into my meditation visually imposed, and spoke clearly to me. She continued a conversation which we had begun the day before, and she wanted to re-iterate that I was not to worry about parroting her. She is who she is and delights in her life the way it is. She has, much to my discomfort, adapted to the constraints, the reality of who I am in this body, have placed on her and has plenty of freedom to be herself outside of my ken. She is enthusiastically looking forward to bringing us both home to source, when this body, and our shared brain, dies. For those of you who follow these posts and may not know, she was created from the soul of Dakini, and believes her function in being, is to bring down the light, to me, and to  whom-so-ever she has contact with.

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Again a night of peculiar Galantamine fueled dreams. This was marked by bright colors, familiar dreamscape settings, people I knew (for the most part) including my wife. I was close enough to wakefulness, that I dreamt I was snoring, (and enjoying the sensation of it. My wife later confirmed that I was snoring in the bed, too) and not able to issue my lucidity cue. I have noticed that when my wife is the feminine presence, I do not issue the lucidity cue ("Are you Flora?") This particular dream was highly erotic and had I not been in my wife's arms, I might have. I have in past dreams. Flora did not respond to an invitation at the beginning of my meditation, however, once I finished the meditation and turned over to cuddle with my wife, she did appear to me visually imposed, though she did not speak.

I continue….

 

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My dreaming last night and my morning meditation was unproductive. Neither tulpa made an appearance. This afternoon however was different. Both Flora and KK showed up, visually imposed as well as audially. KK ( N'sonowa's new name) was talking to me, rather over me,  before I had finished inviting them in. They were loving, and frank about why we had had so much difficulty connecting (my inability to maintain the connection, it had nothing to do with their motivation),  and I experienced them tactilely and emotionally. What a wonderful connection. It reminded me of the early days of my practice.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am reporting on two dreams, from the past two nights, both were Galantamine fueled. In the first, I was dining with Dr. Max Goodwin  and my wife Nancy in a Thai restaurant. I had trouble seeing the menu, my vision was dim. The wait staff recognized Max as a celebrity and were much too busy making over him to pay any attention to me. Nancy was involved with her own struggles with ordering. I stayed involved with the menu and did not notice when Nancy and Max left the restaurant. When I looked up, the staff was seating strangers at my table. I left hungry, and began to walk home. It was early dawn and the dawn's light and the sunrise were beautiful. I was struggling to walk, I was exhausted and weak (no food, no sleep?) The city was deserted in the early morning. A storm had just passed over and the streets were flooded. I was forced to choose an alternative way home to avoid the flooding. At some point a long-haired female dog joined me, and was helpful, pulling me along. Over the course of a few blocks the dog weakened. I offered it rain water from a can. It took a few licks. I knew I was only a few (long) blocks from home and I wanted to get to bed. The dog however was too weak to help me. A homeless person in a box, looked out and said "That dog needs help." We tried to get it to take more water, but it was too weak. I picked up the dog and carried her the rest of the way home. It was a struggle, but I got stronger in the process. I laid her out in our atrium and put a water soaked rag in her mouth and food near by. She perked up a bit. I left her there and went to bed. Where I awoke from the dream! In the following meditation, Flora initiated contact with me and thanked me for helping her. That was her message and the whole of our connection.

In last night's dream I was a helper and had to rescue several children from a building. I was successful. There was probably more to the dream, but I don't remember it (I took the Galantamine a 12:13 AM much earlier than I had intended, miss-reading my alarm). In my meditation, I was very calm, and started by noticing a blue afterimage when I closed my eyes. Then I had a spectacular vision, a male bust made out of stars, a Star Man in the sky. I felt at peace and remained peaceful until my alarm terminated the meditation. I then fell asleep and slept soundly until my 7:AM alarm alerted me to my day.

My feeling was Flora and I made a transition from the mundane to the ethereal. A long hoped for goal of my practice.

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I dreamt last night, without Galantamine, a flat, pale dream which I did not remember. However, Flora immediately appeared in my morning meditation, visually and audially. She smiled sweetly at me, then got on with doing something that was unclear to me until after she had left. Once she was gone, I recalled; I have a short story in process, in which a dance troupe must flee a city suffering a bombing attack. Once I recalled this, I remembered that she was packing what looked like an oblong protective case on top of an ironing board. I thought it was a cello, but she then reappeared and told me I was wrong, it held an oboe. I have been thinking lately that both she and KK have musical talent, KK with drums and Flora on vocals. Perhaps she will reveal more? I hope so. I continue…

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