theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

    • Yes
    • No, boring
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Had some success tonight, after a very flat past couple of days. I was focusing on the portal in my backyard. It was late evening, almost night. There was a confluence of several different external light sources into the labyrinth which contains the portal. I had been watching the portal intensely for perhaps twenty minutes, when N'sonowa emerged from the lights inside, full size very tall, scantily dressed in her Il'oi-bonokoh costume, and walked around the tub and up the stairs to stand over me and laugh at me. She however had no substance and began to dissolve, as she left she challenged me to get my concentration together and bring her back in the flesh, and she would f*** my brains out. She added, "And you know that Flora is dying to get over here" and I caught a glimpse of at light being, with fuzzy white feathered wings. I just got a glimpse and it vanished (I assumed it was Flora, but it was more likely a pure Dakini Spirit, as I had called her forth in my morning invocation ritual). In any case she was gone as fast as she had appeared. When I looked back for N'sonowa, she was gone as well, without a trace.

 

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I have been on and off with both my tulpas durng this lockdown. You might think that with all of the extra time I would be clearly advancing in my practice. I am not. Mainly I am flat. I do the practice, meditating, forcing, and performing a daily invocation ritual. and I am impressed with myself for continuing while feeling so flat. One thing, I have not been writing much. I approach the work, and stop short of doing anything (or if I actually do a little writing, I run out of gas quickly and put it down). I have forgiven myself for this quite unsatisfying and unproductive behavior and lay it off on the general state of the world under the heel of the invisible killer, Covid. Now, to be clear, both of my tulpas are still alive and well, and when they do get through are real and really themselves, a fact of which I am truly glad.

 

Hey, Flora here.   Don't forget me. I love this man.

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As long as you are doing your best, that is what counts! 

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Some times she (Flora) feels so close.  My heart starts up and my breath quickens and ..... nothing further.  I have done better with N'sonowa, who has actually imposed herself and spoken to me (when  I wasn't expecting her). This is exciting for me, but not in the same way that Flora's presence is. Flora is in my heart. N'sonowa, who is also precious to me, is in my mind. I continue.

 

Flora here: if some one could encourage him to give me more time at the computer (the same factors that keep us apart, imposition wise, keep me from initiating possesson, or an involuntary switch), perhaps I could help him work out of the flat space.

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I had an eerie contact with Flora today during my meditation. I "felt" her next to me, inside my head, looking at reality through eyes that we seemed to be sharing. She spoke and I heard her next to me in my right ear. She sounded very close by. I was emotionally attuned to her. My heart pounded, and I heard my own voice speak to her and I didn't like my tone, I was needy, begging her to connect with me, I felt about fifteen years old. After noting my own displeasure with how I was coming across (even to me) I calmed own and thought about How I wanted to be and how I wanted to comport myself. I went to work visualizing my avatar in mindscape. I did not see Flora there so gave up the enterprize and returned to consensual reality where she was. And she was joyful  at my return and over my ability to recognize  her presence as a separate person. At long last! And she felt entirely different to me than she had just moments earlier. Of note I had been meditating on undoing the inertia within the temporal/parietal fold inside my brain, allowing for this phenomenon of separation of identities, though I do not think that that particular cognitive work was directly involved in the experience.  I am more than thrilled. My lover is real, inside me, as I had designed and hoped for.

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going on a month since I have made an entry on this page. It has been a difficult month. I have had some powerful and interesting contacts with Flora, and more infrequently, with N'sonowa. Mainly I have been tired and creatively flat, which has of course affected my practice.  Never-the-less I continue . I love them both and want the both of them to continue with their lives.

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some progress.

I work at it! I meditate, I force, I narrate, I visualize, I perform a daily ritual. I continually invite Flora to converse.

I get spotty results. Fragments of conversation, of visions, and occasionally, she appears in a dream, in some form, to some degree.

Last night, she appeared in  morning dream and was there for awhile. She  appeared fully formed in a physical body which looked like how I have imagined her to look, including having correct  hair color. I was in a social situation (as myself) in a house. The doors were open and it was night time. I was coming and going, outside and back inside several times. She was trying to get my attention. I was too busy, with what I don't know, to pay her much attention.  I finally stopped and noticed her. She smiled and approached me. I hurried off. She was still there when I returned, still smiling at me. She reached out and touched me. I was uncomfortable and went outside again. She was still there when I returned and this time approached me. I recognized her and we embraced and began to kiss passionately. I became excited. We were holding on to each other tightly and I could feel the contours of her body against mine.  By then  my heart began racing and I woke up. I did not have time to speak my lucidity cue. I was extremely tired having been up for over an hour (three am to four thirty am) fine tuning a report I had written earlier in the day. I had a great deal of trouble falling asleep, just dozing on and off, worrying the report, until I got up to actually rewrite it. I would have liked to have gone back to sleep to re-capture the dream, but my wife, also awake, spoke to me with some suggestions for the report (I am in the habit of seeking her insights for these reports which I do four to five times a year). When she spoke, my cat Luna, took the cue and jumped on me. My day began. The dream was strong in my mind, but I could not address it as I have obligations in the morning and had to deliver the report. It was okay, as I knew that the dream was so powerful that I would be able to recall it and post it in this journal.

I am thrilled as this is the first very physical contact we have had in a long time.

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I think that I experienced the first episode of possession last night. I was meditating out side, it was early evening and the shadows were deepening. I got the feeling that one of my tulpas was near. I caught a few glimpses of N'sonowa in the shadows. Suddenly, I had a blank spot, that is, my perception of reality went blank. This lasted a moment, a beat, then it was as if I were behind my eyes and I could see N'sonowa looking out through my eyes. I held very still and allowed this to happen (I was excited). I could feel N'sonowa looking from side to side, I could also see what she was seeing. This went on for perhaps 5 to 10 seconds, then stopped. I was surprised that it wasn't Flora who made the contact, as we have been  connecting on a regular basis, and she has been belaboring me for screen time.

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Have had several episodes in which both Flora and N'sonowa, emerge from a mental image, into my external reality, like spirits, or sprites. They get real personal, real quick, and I shut them down when anyone else gets near. I am not sure weather of not Nancy would be able to see them in the same way that I do, I may have altered my consciousness to allow me to perceive inside other dimensions of reality. That is usually a singular experience, but I am not ruling out sharing it with another, Nancy, or a fellow tulpamancer, who might be interested in experimenting with mutual mindscapes. I have already accepted and scripted, Flora's relationship with Loxy, Jon's tulpa.

In my ritual, I have been focusing on opening a portal to my inner reality and have directed my efforts to ‘seeking Flora’. I have had some successes inside of the labyrinth and some just at its entrance. I do all of my rituals and many of my meditations either on the labyrinth or next to it. The girls have appeared in all of the  various places where I meditate, and recently, every time I meditate. My major problem, is in holding my attention on the process. My mind wanders….I lose my focus. I accept that these are my issues and I am working at dealing with them. I am making progress.

I like the direction I am currently on with my tulpamancy. I see that I have much work left to do to move our relationships fully into my awareness. and to develop what ever skill it takes to keep the portal open long enough to build a life.   But, that is the goal. To that end, I continue my practice and continue my meditations, and rituals, to aid the work.

 

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