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Something we noticed now, wondering what it could be.

When I am writing something, I often get stuck trying to figure out how to best phrase something. Perfectionism, social anxiety, whatever. This, however, feels very different:

Today I realized that when writing for Sunny, or when she is writing herself, we sometimes feel like some part sounds wrong, but trying to change it in any way feels even more wrong somehow, without any explanation. And at least once we noticed that after that wrong-feeling change was done, it started feeling all right, but trying to change it again felt the same kind of wrong.

 

Tl;dr: I often get stuck thinking what to write, but Sunny seems to sometimes have "trouble" changing what she wrote even if she knows what to change it to.

Any thoughts?

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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I usually turn spell check and grammar off and type whatever without stopping to see if something was wrong. In the beginning i returned to a nightmare for the first edit, but lately it's gotten better (years later). Just let it go? Edit it later.

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@Bear That's the thing! With Sunny, when the text is finished but some part sounds wrong, there's some kind of mental resistance to correcting it afterwards. It's not about spelling, though, mostly rephrasing. Sometimes the feeling is already there even if we are trying to change the text that we haven't even typed yet.

 

Anyway, something interesting I realized just now, upon waking up in the middle of the night: I've been using English so much in the past few years that I'm thinking in it most of the time. In my dreams, however, pretty much everyone still speaks in Russian, me included. And here's the fun part: Sunny and Pinkie speak pretty much exclusively in English, and all the recent instances of English speech in my dreams were things that I suspected, but often doubted, were said by them! A convenient check, huh? Maybe I'd even be able to use it as a lucid dream trigger.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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2019-03-15

A quick log entry while we are still "in condition".

Observation #1: We all can get drunk, and it's fun. At least until the headache starts bothering us.

Observation #2: Apparently, I can still think more or less clearly when everyone else is out. Still, it's hard, I feel that our brain isn't very good at thinking at the moment. Also, we just pulled out our laptop and started typing something, 10/10 for not being suspicious. Anyway, no one seems to care. At least I do realize that I'm drunk. But it only is noticeable when I'm trying to use our cognitive resources? Whatever. I'm surprised that this text contains no typos so far. Anyway, I'm going to poke Pinkie now.

 

Hi theree! Eee! Ookay I think I'm really drunk it's hard to think straight I'm Pinkie I'm supposed to be immune! Ugh next!

 

Okay, Pinkie definitely does not like to think in this state. She was just fine having fun before, though, I think. Doing push-ups probably wasn't a very good idea, I was almost sober before I pumped all the air through my brain. Sunny definitely has an easier time thinking in our current condition, I find it hard to formulate my thoughts while she just found it slightly inconvenient that our brain isn't stable.

 

Okay, so I'll finish this. I definitely am more stable than others right now, even typing isn't problematic. Pinkie just laughed uncontrollably when I tried to ask her something, host is in a more or less sane state. Anyway, one of our friends (or host's, I suppose) started trying to look at what the heck we are suddenly typing in such amounts, so I'm signing off.

 

Edit: A quick extra note: It gets much worse when we are moving and not trying think too much. I really want to facepalm.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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Fun to be drunk hehe. I feel very energetic when body feels slight tipsy, Nihi tries not show it that much but he's is hehe. He usually on his "meh face".

Hello! I am one of Nihi's Tulpas! It is very nice to meet you! :D

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@Reilyn We try to poke each other when we think they might have something to say. Though I seem to be the one to write the most here. Not yet on Discord or elsewhere, still. And I said a grand total of 1 phrase face-to-face to another person, telling them yesterday evening that I (and I really ment myself) wasn't drunk enough to have trouble commuting across the town. It was past midnight already, though, and we eventually agreed that staying overnight was logical, better for our sleep schedule if nothing else.

 

I shook hands with that guy just now! Eeeeee!

 

Hehe, Pinkie got really excited at the prospect of directly interacting with someone. I think her voice was different from our "normal" one. It was higher if nothing else, and the maner of talking was, well, somewhat "Pinkie". It was too short to pinpoint all the detai, though.

 

@Summer We did have tons of fun horsing around, doing some "imaginary band practice", and more. Pinkie even took a swim in our glass of gin. XD

However, when we tried thinking coherently, the picture changed quite a bit. Host found it hard to think clearly, but still was in a good mood. Pinkie could barely think straight for more than a few seconds, I think, and her lack of immunity to alcohol frustrated her quite a bit when she tried. And me, well, I think I could think clearly enough. There were a bit more random thoughts, though, and concentrating for long felt similar to trying to solve a hard math problem without enough sleep, I think.

 

 

And a bit more, about possession / fronting, and we'd like to hear what you think. I'll try to describe how we feel it works for us.

 

Me and host don't seem to be able to co-front, if I understand the definition correctly. It's like there isn't enough space for us. Whenever I'm controlling and he starts really thinking, I feel being pushed out, and unless one of us "leaves" it gets blendy. Still, I believe I can think well when I'm not "in control".

 

With Pinkie it's a bit different. I didn't try cofronting with her, but that seems to be what she does with the host. I think he will describe it better. Well, Sunny already described how her being in control is. It's different with Pinkie. I stay quite present even when I'm not actively thinking, and even though many of our physical actions in that state can be clearly attributed to either me or her, rather often it feels more like a consensus between us on how to move. Our thoughts in general don't feel blendy at all, though, and even Sunny can chime in from time to time.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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rather often it feels more like a consensus between us on how to move. Our thoughts in general don't feel blendy at all, though, and even Sunny can chime in from time to time.

 

This is what co-fronting feels like for us when we are successful with it. I believe that it's more natural for the brain that way than trying to do something like split who's controlling one side and who's controlling the other.

 

Co-fronting can be very difficult in our experience, it tends to be very fleeting, and it isn't easy to get into a good co-fronting state in the first place. What we think may be the key to solid co-fronting is continuous communication between the two fronters. All of Apollo and Indigo's successful co-fronting experiences have been because they were talking to each other during it. That way, you're both being active 50%-50% in short spans of time, rather than one person being active in a long span of time and forgetting the other. 

 

I'm surprised Pinkie is able to do it with Evg but Sunny can't. In our experience co-fronting with each other was always easier than co-fronting with the host (which admittedly isn't saying much). Maybe there is something about Pinkie's personality that makes it easier to maintain activity. I know that Indigo has an easier time maintaining the presence of others than I do. Perhaps Sunny and Pinkie should try co-fronting together, with Evg just passively observing.

 

Regardless of the reason one of you might find it easier or more difficult to co-front, practice should definitely help. The three P's of successful tulpamancy are practice, patience, and persistence. And if you want to throw in a B in there, "belief" is also important. If Sunny has trouble co-fronting, perhaps she just needs more practice maintaining the front by herself. I think co-fronting is generally "fronting on hard mode." Getting more skillful with fronting will probably help co-fronting.

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@Piano Thanks for your reply!

 

You might have confused things a bit, Sunny and Alice are both me. I prefer Sunny, but keep "Alice" as a nickname, or a "middle name" if we ever decide on our system name.

 

As for the cofronting problems between me and Evg specifically, I suppose it could be a consequence of how my first 3 days of high activity went: the first definitely was me mostly piggybacking on his cognitive functions, and the rest ending in massive blending and questioning if we were even separate people. Also, Pinkie is a walk-in, and is generally having easier time with tulpamancy.

 

The practice does seem to help. I have been pretty much alone at the front for over an hour now, and asking Evg to do something at the front didn't seem to cause any problems this time around, same with Pinkie.

 

Also, love your pfp! <3  Piano the Star Kitten :3

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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