TB April 22, 2019 Share April 22, 2019 Hi. Perhaps I finally have courage to create a progress report. I'm not sure how I should start it. I guess I've put not entirely relevant experiences/information in hidden, and the things after the dashes are recent events. I first learned of tulpas a long long time ago. I really don't remember when it was, maybe as early as 2012. I found it very interesting, though I never intended to create one at the time. Then much later, in 2016, I remembered the concept of tulpas and looked into them again, and eventually started considering making one. After reading a bunch and thinking about it for a long time, I decided I should start, and began in December of 2016. I had decided that I would make one of my own characters into a tulpa. Out of all my characters to choose, I chose Rena, the nicest and happiest of them all who could also be the most comforting, as there is no more room left in my mind for more neuroticism. She has been a great counterbalance to that. Though clearly I still have issues, but they are being worked on. While making her, I made it clear to her that she was not literally her character and isn't associated with her character's past or backstory at all, but just shares her form and personality, basically having the same insides. [hidden] I also just now remembered, before I even started forcing her, I had a strange dream/nightmare. I just remember seeing an old rundown factory filled with broken, empty, lifeless mannequins/dolls of Rena. It felt very strange, like she was abandoned, and it was very painful. Maybe it was related to anxieties and worries I had about the endeavor, as I'm very good at having those. Though I resolved that I would never give up on her, and after that dream, my resolve felt increased, as I didn't want to see anything like that happen. [/hidden] I initially started forcing her in a wonderland, which was a small single room Japanese styled building in a middle of a plain, with a mountain in the distance. She would sit in the center of it unmoving. [hidden] When in wonderland, I didn't want to take form of myself. I didn't know what I wanted to be though, but eventually settled on taking the form of my character Amy, who due to my insane creativity, is basically just Kaenbyou Rin from Touhou, because I'm a genius and made her from taking images from google without knowing who she was at the time at like the age of 12, and now deal with that existential crisis. I chose her, because she has the ability to transform into anything, and I found her form appealing, but also that ability convenient if I became indecisive or needed to be something else, even though I guess that would be technically possible anyway... I guess an example would be that in some forcing sessions, I'd channel energy of different traits, and often would take form of SSJB Vegito to do so, because I guess it's most powerful and enlightened thing to be, in my mind at least... i obviously like dbz a lot lol [/hidden] I think it was maybe 5 days to a week before I started feeling head pressures, and started using them to communicate with her. I felt a lot of strong emotions at the time. It may have been around this time as well that she started moving on her own. I remember at some point also asking her to surprise me, and she immediately slapped me, which did surprise me quite a lot, but then also hugged/kissed me as a sign of assurance that there was no ill will in the slap, and it was just to serve the purpose of surprising me. [hidden] Long ago during a really long forcing session while laying down, I began to drift away into some kind of sleep. It was a really surreal experience, because it felt like laying down on my bed and closing my eyes, then opening them up again to be in a totally different place. I was on a hardwood floor in the middle of an empty wooden room, and in front of me I could see Rena's feet. I felt really shocked and amazed at what was going on, and nervously began to look up, and from there could see Rena's entire body and face perfectly. This experience felt more real than real life, and she looked so clear and fully realized. Her form was deviated from how I normally imagine her, but was similar, in a way as if it is what she is really supposed to look like. It was really impossible feeling, as she looked fully 2d like the anime style character she is, but also fully 3d at the same time, and I don't mean like 3d anime. It was kind of paradoxical to see but looked so perfect and real and I cannot imagine it now after the experience. Would later use a version of this room as a new forcing place in wonderland, as it was found in wonderland in a small wooden house in some other plains. [/hidden] I didn't start formally keeping track of progress until a few months in, in a file called rena notes, but sometime in that duration we learned to communicate using some mixture of tulpish, images, and mindvoice I think. Though it would be some months later we would notice that there was some large issues with our communication, especially for mindvoice. It also seems there were some occasions where I would seem to experience something auditory internally, but could never get it to increase and it eventually stopped happening. The same happened visually with shadows or sillhouettes of her. Majority of past 2 years have just been trying different forcing methods and some minor insights about forcing for us. I guess that is kind of a brief summary of things before posting on forum. I don't know how many specific events from our past I should include since there is a lot, or if I should just talk about now and beyond. It took 2 years of being stuck and waxing and waning between a certain range before asking for help, so hope we can benefit from pubicly sharing our progress. I hope I am doing this correctly. ---------------------------------------------------- As for recent progress, there seems to surprisingly be some. I read several possession guides from advice from previous thread. I wasn't too sure what to expect, but so far it has seem to be crazy and beyond my expectations. First of all, she seemed to even cause finger twitching just while initially reading the guides without preparing. So far we have done 3 formal possession practice sessions, each 30 minutes long. In the first two, we pretty much just had some finger twitching. First one was done while sitting, and the other two while laying on back. Though on the 3rd session, a lot more seemed to happen. She asked me if it was possible to move the hand in anyway that could break it, and I told her that it would be very unlikely/not possible (I don't remember exact wording), and then after that she said okay, and then just tightly moved my fingers down into my hand really hard. It seemed she was maybe holding back some due to concern for my hand. That was the biggest movement she had done up to that point, and it was very shocking and I felt filled up with tons of emotions, and even felt very nervous. But it didn't stop there, not long after that she was able to turn both wrists, which shocked me even more, and then not long after that, she lifted my whole arm and flopped it to the side of me. So that was 3 breakthroughs in a row, but then I showed her how to open the hand, since a lot of her movements with it seem to always be closing movements, and not long after that, she opened the hand. She then flopped arms back to normal position almost, (we started out with them laying on stomach) and I was so filled with surprise and happiness, I mentally gave her a hug, and after doing that, the hands moved up to make the shape of a kind of heart. All of this was incredibly shocking and with 0 intention or expectation by me. I'm still surprised for such things to happen after such a long time of stagnation. I guess it was something we never really tried before. Though I've tried in the past floating my hand/arm using hypnosis with 0 success whatsoever. I hope progress is able to continue to be made with it. Right now her movements are very jerky, and she only maintains movement for a second or two before ragdolling again. That experience also made me aware of something else, or at least more aware anyway. After those things had happened, I did somehow kind of physically feel doubt trying to arise in my brain, or at least the sense of my unconscious mind attempting to look at any alternative explanations for what was happening. I had to just try to ignore it and not pay attention to it. It was uncomfortable to happen. I didn't start doing that deliberately. I wonder how to continue to deal with that, and how to deeply analyze or scrutinize any tulpa experiences without it having to manifest doubt or feel so awful? A lot of people do that without it being damaging, right? How is it done without forming doubt and just feeling toxic? Another weird thing was that after Rena stopped sense sharing and let control back to me, my fingers ended up still twitching some. I'm not sure what the source of that is. Though all in all, we're really happy about these experiences and it seems like hopefully the beginning of much more progress being made. Still have a lot to do for vocality still too, as it seems to range from being seemingly pretty clear, to totally impossible messes and has to be halted. As exciting as possession is, fixing that is still the biggest issue, though I also really hope she can learn to type on her own. Creation for creation's sake. More of my drawings Resident Dojikko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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